No More Learning

)

"It makes no difference," she said suddenly, after a brief silence.

"No, it's horrid. " (I yawned again). "The gravediggers must have
sworn at getting drenched by the snow. And there must have been water
in the grave. "

"Why water in the grave? " she asked, with a sort of curiosity, but
speaking even more harshly and abruptly than before.

I suddenly began to feel provoked.

"Why, there must have been water at the bottom a foot deep. You can't
dig a dry grave in Volkovo Cemetery. "

"Why? "

"Why? Why, the place is waterlogged. It's a regular marsh. So they
bury them in water. I've seen it myself . . . many times. "

(I had never seen it once, indeed I had never been in Volkovo, and had
only heard stories of it. )

"Do you mean to say, you don't mind how you die? "

"But why should I die? " she answered, as though defending herself.

"Why, some day you will die, and you will die just the same as that
dead woman. She was . . . a girl like you. She died of consumption. "

"A wench would have died in hospital . . . " (She knows all about it
already: she said "wench," not "girl. ")

"She was in debt to her madam," I retorted, more and more provoked by
the discussion; "and went on earning money for her up to the end,
though she was in consumption. Some sledge-drivers standing by were
talking about her to some soldiers and telling them so. No doubt they
knew her. They were laughing. They were going to meet in a pot-house
to drink to her memory. "

A great deal of this was my invention. Silence followed, profound
silence. She did not stir.

"And is it better to die in a hospital? "

"Isn't it just the same? Besides, why should I die? " she added
irritably.

"If not now, a little later. "

"Why a little later? "

"Why, indeed? Now you are young, pretty, fresh, you fetch a high
price. But after another year of this life you will be very
different--you will go off. "

"In a year? "

"Anyway, in a year you will be worth less," I continued malignantly.
"You will go from here to something lower, another house; a year
later--to a third, lower and lower, and in seven years you will come to
a basement in the Haymarket. That will be if you were lucky. But it
would be much worse if you got some disease, consumption, say . . . and
caught a chill, or something or other. It's not easy to get over an
illness in your way of life. If you catch anything you may not get rid
of it. And so you would die. "

"Oh, well, then I shall die," she answered, quite vindictively, and she
made a quick movement.

"But one is sorry. "

"Sorry for whom? "

"Sorry for life. " Silence.

"Have you been engaged to be married? Eh? "

"What's that to you? "

"Oh, I am not cross-examining you. It's nothing to me. Why are you so
cross? Of course you may have had your own troubles. What is it to
me? It's simply that I felt sorry. "

"Sorry for whom? "

"Sorry for you. "

"No need," she whispered hardly audibly, and again made a faint
movement.

That incensed me at once. What! I was so gentle with her, and she. . . .

"Why, do you think that you are on the right path? "

"I don't think anything. "

"That's what's wrong, that you don't think. Realise it while there is
still time. There still is time. You are still young, good-looking;
you might love, be married, be happy. . . . "

"Not all married women are happy," she snapped out in the rude abrupt
tone she had used at first.

"Not all, of course, but anyway it is much better than the life here.
Infinitely better. Besides, with love one can live even without
happiness. Even in sorrow life is sweet; life is sweet, however one
lives. But here what is there but . . . foulness? Phew! "

I turned away with disgust; I was no longer reasoning coldly. I began
to feel myself what I was saying and warmed to the subject. I was
already longing to expound the cherished ideas I had brooded over in my
corner. Something suddenly flared up in me. An object had appeared
before me.

"Never mind my being here, I am not an example for you. I am, perhaps,
worse than you are. I was drunk when I came here, though," I hastened,
however, to say in self-defence. "Besides, a man is no example for a
woman. It's a different thing. I may degrade and defile myself, but I
am not anyone's slave. I come and go, and that's an end of it. I
shake it off, and I am a different man. But you are a slave from the
start. Yes, a slave! You give up everything, your whole freedom. If
you want to break your chains afterwards, you won't be able to; you
will be more and more fast in the snares. It is an accursed bondage.
I know it. I won't speak of anything else, maybe you won't understand,
but tell me: no doubt you are in debt to your madam? There, you see,"
I added, though she made no answer, but only listened in silence,
entirely absorbed, "that's a bondage for you! You will never buy your
freedom. They will see to that. It's like selling your soul to the
devil. . . . And besides . . . perhaps, I too, am just as unlucky--how do
you know--and wallow in the mud on purpose, out of misery? You know,
men take to drink from grief; well, maybe I am here from grief. Come,
tell me, what is there good here? Here you and I . . . came together . . .
just now and did not say one word to one another all the time, and it
was only afterwards you began staring at me like a wild creature, and I
at you. Is that loving? Is that how one human being should meet
another? It's hideous, that's what it is! "

"Yes! " she assented sharply and hurriedly.

I was positively astounded by the promptitude of this "Yes. " So the
same thought may have been straying through her mind when she was
staring at me just before. So she, too, was capable of certain
thoughts? "Damn it all, this was interesting, this was a point of
likeness! " I thought, almost rubbing my hands. And indeed it's easy to
turn a young soul like that!

It was the exercise of my power that attracted me most.

She turned her head nearer to me, and it seemed to me in the darkness
that she propped herself on her arm. Perhaps she was scrutinising me.
How I regretted that I could not see her eyes. I heard her deep
breathing.

"Why have you come here? " I asked her, with a note of authority already
in my voice.

"Oh, I don't know. "

"But how nice it would be to be living in your father's house! It's
warm and free; you have a home of your own. "

"But what if it's worse than this? "

"I must take the right tone," flashed through my mind. "I may not get
far with sentimentality. " But it was only a momentary thought. I
swear she really did interest me. Besides, I was exhausted and moody.
And cunning so easily goes hand-in-hand with feeling.

"Who denies it! " I hastened to answer. "Anything may happen. I am
convinced that someone has wronged you, and that you are more sinned
against than sinning. Of course, I know nothing of your story, but
it's not likely a girl like you has come here of her own inclination. . . . "

"A girl like me? " she whispered, hardly audibly; but I heard it.

Damn it all, I was flattering her. That was horrid. But perhaps it
was a good thing. . . . She was silent.

"See, Liza, I will tell you about myself. If I had had a home from
childhood, I shouldn't be what I am now. I often think that. However
bad it may be at home, anyway they are your father and mother, and not
enemies, strangers. Once a year at least, they'll show their love of
you. Anyway, you know you are at home. I grew up without a home; and
perhaps that's why I've turned so . . . unfeeling. "

I waited again. "Perhaps she doesn't understand," I thought, "and,
indeed, it is absurd--it's moralising.
"

"If I were a father and had a daughter, I believe I should love my
daughter more than my sons, really," I began indirectly, as though
talking of something else, to distract her attention. I must confess I
blushed.

"Why so? " she asked.

Ah! so she was listening!

"I don't know, Liza. I knew a father who was a stern, austere man, but
used to go down on his knees to his daughter, used to kiss her hands,
her feet, he couldn't make enough of her, really. When she danced at
parties he used to stand for five hours at a stretch, gazing at her.
He was mad over her: I understand that! She would fall asleep tired at
night, and he would wake to kiss her in her sleep and make the sign of
the cross over her. He would go about in a dirty old coat, he was
stingy to everyone else, but would spend his last penny for her, giving
her expensive presents, and it was his greatest delight when she was
pleased with what he gave her. Fathers always love their daughters more
than the mothers do. Some girls live happily at home! And I believe I
should never let my daughters marry. "

"What next? " she said, with a faint smile.

"I should be jealous, I really should. To think that she should kiss
anyone else! That she should love a stranger more than her father!
It's painful to imagine it. Of course, that's all nonsense, of course
every father would be reasonable at last. But I believe before I
should let her marry, I should worry myself to death; I should find
fault with all her suitors. But I should end by letting her marry whom
she herself loved. The one whom the daughter loves always seems the
worst to the father, you know. That is always so. So many family
troubles come from that. "

"Some are glad to sell their daughters, rather than marrying them
honourably. "

Ah, so that was it!

"Such a thing, Liza, happens in those accursed families in which there
is neither love nor God," I retorted warmly, "and where there is no
love, there is no sense either. There are such families, it's true,
but I am not speaking of them. You must have seen wickedness in your
own family, if you talk like that. Truly, you must have been unlucky.
H'm! . . . that sort of thing mostly comes about through poverty. "

"And is it any better with the gentry? Even among the poor, honest
people who live happily? "

"H'm . . . yes. Perhaps. Another thing, Liza, man is fond of reckoning
up his troubles, but does not count his joys. If he counted them up as
he ought, he would see that every lot has enough happiness provided for
it. And what if all goes well with the family, if the blessing of God
is upon it, if the husband is a good one, loves you, cherishes you,
never leaves you! There is happiness in such a family! Even sometimes
there is happiness in the midst of sorrow; and indeed sorrow is
everywhere. If you marry YOU WILL FIND OUT FOR YOURSELF. But think of
the first years of married life with one you love: what happiness, what
happiness there sometimes is in it! And indeed it's the ordinary thing.
In those early days even quarrels with one's husband end happily. Some
women get up quarrels with their husbands just because they love them.
Indeed, I knew a woman like that: she seemed to say that because she
loved him, she would torment him and make him feel it. You know that
you may torment a man on purpose through love. Women are particularly
given to that, thinking to themselves 'I will love him so, I will make
so much of him afterwards, that it's no sin to torment him a little
now. ' And all in the house rejoice in the sight of you, and you are
happy and gay and peaceful and honourable. . . . Then there are some
women who are jealous. If he went off anywhere--I knew one such woman,
she couldn't restrain herself, but would jump up at night and run off
on the sly to find out where he was, whether he was with some other
woman. That's a pity. And the woman knows herself it's wrong, and her
heart fails her and she suffers, but she loves--it's all through love.
And how sweet it is to make up after quarrels, to own herself in the
wrong or to forgive him! And they both are so happy all at once--as
though they had met anew, been married over again; as though their love
had begun afresh. And no one, no one should know what passes between
husband and wife if they love one another. And whatever quarrels there
may be between them they ought not to call in their own mother to judge
between them and tell tales of one another. They are their own judges.
Love is a holy mystery and ought to be hidden from all other eyes,
whatever happens. That makes it holier and better. They respect one
another more, and much is built on respect. And if once there has been
love, if they have been married for love, why should love pass away?
Surely one can keep it! It is rare that one cannot keep it. And if the
husband is kind and straightforward, why should not love last? The
first phase of married love will pass, it is true, but then there will
come a love that is better still. Then there will be the union of
souls, they will have everything in common, there will be no secrets
between them. And once they have children, the most difficult times
will seem to them happy, so long as there is love and courage. Even
toil will be a joy, you may deny yourself bread for your children and
even that will be a joy, They will love you for it afterwards; so you
are laying by for your future. As the children grow up you feel that
you are an example, a support for them; that even after you die your
children will always keep your thoughts and feelings, because they have
received them from you, they will take on your semblance and likeness.
So you see this is a great duty. How can it fail to draw the father and
mother nearer? People say it's a trial to have children. Who says
that? It is heavenly happiness! Are you fond of little children,
Liza? I am awfully fond of them. You know--a little rosy baby boy at
your bosom, and what husband's heart is not touched, seeing his wife
nursing his child! A plump little rosy baby, sprawling and snuggling,
chubby little hands and feet, clean tiny little nails, so tiny that it
makes one laugh to look at them; eyes that look as if they understand
everything. And while it sucks it clutches at your bosom with its
little hand, plays. When its father comes up, the child tears itself
away from the bosom, flings itself back, looks at its father, laughs,
as though it were fearfully funny, and falls to sucking again. Or it
will bite its mother's breast when its little teeth are coming, while
it looks sideways at her with its little eyes as though to say, 'Look,
I am biting! ' Is not all that happiness when they are the three
together, husband, wife and child? One can forgive a great deal for
the sake of such moments. Yes, Liza, one must first learn to live
oneself before one blames others! "

"It's by pictures, pictures like that one must get at you," I thought
to myself, though I did speak with real feeling, and all at once I
flushed crimson. "What if she were suddenly to burst out laughing,
what should I do then? " That idea drove me to fury. Towards the end of
my speech I really was excited, and now my vanity was somehow wounded.
The silence continued. I almost nudged her.

"Why are you--" she began and stopped. But I understood: there was a
quiver of something different in her voice, not abrupt, harsh and
unyielding as before, but something soft and shamefaced, so shamefaced
that I suddenly felt ashamed and guilty.

"What? " I asked, with tender curiosity.

"Why, you. . . "

"What? "

"Why, you . . . speak somehow like a book," she said, and again there was
a note of irony in her voice.

That remark sent a pang to my heart. It was not what I was expecting.

I did not understand that she was hiding her feelings under irony, that
this is usually the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people when
the privacy of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded, and that
their pride makes them refuse to surrender till the last moment and
shrink from giving expression to their feelings before you. I ought to
have guessed the truth from the timidity with which she had repeatedly
approached her sarcasm, only bringing herself to utter it at last with
an effort. But I did not guess, and an evil feeling took possession of
me.

"Wait a bit! " I thought.



VII

"Oh, hush, Liza! How can you talk about being like a book, when it
makes even me, an outsider, feel sick? Though I don't look at it as an
outsider, for, indeed, it touches me to the heart. . . . Is it possible,
is it possible that you do not feel sick at being here yourself?
Evidently habit does wonders! God knows what habit can do with anyone.
Can you seriously think that you will never grow old, that you will
always be good-looking, and that they will keep you here for ever and
ever? I say nothing of the loathsomeness of the life here. . . . Though
let me tell you this about it--about your present life, I mean; here
though you are young now, attractive, nice, with soul and feeling, yet
you know as soon as I came to myself just now I felt at once sick at
being here with you! One can only come here when one is drunk. But if
you were anywhere else, living as good people live, I should perhaps be
more than attracted by you, should fall in love with you, should be
glad of a look from you, let alone a word; I should hang about your
door, should go down on my knees to you, should look upon you as my
betrothed and think it an honour to be allowed to. I should not dare
to have an impure thought about you. But here, you see, I know that I
have only to whistle and you have to come with me whether you like it
or not. I don't consult your wishes, but you mine. The lowest
labourer hires himself as a workman, but he doesn't make a slave of
himself altogether; besides, he knows that he will be free again
presently. But when are you free? Only think what you are giving up
here? What is it you are making a slave of? It is your soul, together
with your body; you are selling your soul which you have no right to
dispose of! You give your love to be outraged by every drunkard!
Love! But that's everything, you know, it's a priceless diamond, it's
a maiden's treasure, love--why, a man would be ready to give his soul,
to face death to gain that love. But how much is your love worth now?
You are sold, all of you, body and soul, and there is no need to strive
for love when you can have everything without love. And you know there
is no greater insult to a girl than that, do you understand? To be
sure, I have heard that they comfort you, poor fools, they let you have
lovers of your own here. But you know that's simply a farce, that's
simply a sham, it's just laughing at you, and you are taken in by it!
Why, do you suppose he really loves you, that lover of yours? I don't
believe it. How can he love you when he knows you may be called away
from him any minute? He would be a low fellow if he did! Will he have
a grain of respect for you? What have you in common with him? He
laughs at you and robs you--that is all his love amounts to! You are
lucky if he does not beat you. Very likely he does beat you, too. Ask
him, if you have got one, whether he will marry you. He will laugh in
your face, if he doesn't spit in it or give you a blow--though maybe he
is not worth a bad halfpenny himself. And for what have you ruined
your life, if you come to think of it? For the coffee they give you to
drink and the plentiful meals? But with what object are they feeding
you up? An honest girl couldn't swallow the food, for she would know
what she was being fed for. You are in debt here, and, of course, you
will always be in debt, and you will go on in debt to the end, till the
visitors here begin to scorn you. And that will soon happen, don't
rely upon your youth--all that flies by express train here, you know.
You will be kicked out. And not simply kicked out; long before that
she'll begin nagging at you, scolding you, abusing you, as though you
had not sacrificed your health for her, had not thrown away your youth
and your soul for her benefit, but as though you had ruined her,
beggared her, robbed her. And don't expect anyone to take your part:
the others, your companions, will attack you, too, win her favour, for
all are in slavery here, and have lost all conscience and pity here
long ago. They have become utterly vile, and nothing on earth is
viler, more loathsome, and more insulting than their abuse. And you
are laying down everything here, unconditionally, youth and health and
beauty and hope, and at twenty-two you will look like a woman of
five-and-thirty, and you will be lucky if you are not diseased, pray to
God for that! No doubt you are thinking now that you have a gay time
and no work to do! Yet there is no work harder or more dreadful in the
world or ever has been. One would think that the heart alone would be
worn out with tears. And you won't dare to say a word, not half a word
when they drive you away from here; you will go away as though you were
to blame. You will change to another house, then to a third, then
somewhere else, till you come down at last to the Haymarket. There you
will be beaten at every turn; that is good manners there, the visitors
don't know how to be friendly without beating you. You don't believe
that it is so hateful there? Go and look for yourself some time, you
can see with your own eyes. Once, one New Year's Day, I saw a woman at
a door. They had turned her out as a joke, to give her a taste of the
frost because she had been crying so much, and they shut the door
behind her. At nine o'clock in the morning she was already quite
drunk, dishevelled, half-naked, covered with bruises, her face was
powdered, but she had a black-eye, blood was trickling from her nose
and her teeth; some cabman had just given her a drubbing. She was
sitting on the stone steps, a salt fish of some sort was in her hand;
she was crying, wailing something about her luck and beating with the
fish on the steps, and cabmen and drunken soldiers were crowding in the
doorway taunting her. You don't believe that you will ever be like
that? I should be sorry to believe it, too, but how do you know; maybe
ten years, eight years ago that very woman with the salt fish came here
fresh as a cherub, innocent, pure, knowing no evil, blushing at every
word. Perhaps she was like you, proud, ready to take offence, not like
the others; perhaps she looked like a queen, and knew what happiness
was in store for the man who should love her and whom she should love.
Do you see how it ended? And what if at that very minute when she was
beating on the filthy steps with that fish, drunken and
dishevelled--what if at that very minute she recalled the pure early
days in her father's house, when she used to go to school and the
neighbour's son watched for her on the way, declaring that he would
love her as long as he lived, that he would devote his life to her, and
when they vowed to love one another for ever and be married as soon as
they were grown up! No, Liza, it would be happy for you if you were to
die soon of consumption in some corner, in some cellar like that woman
just now. In the hospital, do you say? You will be lucky if they take
you, but what if you are still of use to the madam here? Consumption is
a queer disease, it is not like fever. The patient goes on hoping till
the last minute and says he is all right. He deludes himself And that
just suits your madam.