No More Learning

--[Aloud. ] So is
Beverley, ma'am.

Mrs. MALAPROP
No caparisons, miss, if you please. Caparisons don't become a young
woman. No! Captain Absolute is indeed a fine gentleman!

LYDIA
[Aside. ] Ay, the Captain Absolute you have seen.

Mrs. MALAPROP
Then he's so well bred;--so full of alacrity, and adulation! --and has
so much to say for himself:--in such good language, too! His
physiognomy so grammatical! Then his presence is so noble! I protest,
when I saw him, I thought of what Hamlet says in the play:--
"Hesperian curls--the front of Job himself! --
An eye, like March, to threaten at command! --
A station, like Harry Mercury, new----"
Something about kissing--on a hill--however, the similitude struck me
directly.

LYDIA
[Aside. ] How enraged she'll be presently, when she discovers her
mistake!

[Enter SERVANT. ]

SERVANT
Sir Anthony and Captain Absolute are below, ma'am.

Mrs. MALAPROP
Show them up here. ----

[Exit SERVANT. ]

Now, Lydia, I insist on your behaving as becomes a young woman. Show
your good breeding, at least, though you have forgot your duty.

LYDIA
Madam, I have told you my resolution! --I shall not only give him no
encouragement, but I won't even speak to, or look at him. [Flings
herself into a chair, with her face from the door. ]

[Enter Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE and CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE. ]

Sir ANTHONY
Here we are, Mrs. Malaprop; come to mitigate the frowns of unrelenting
beauty,--and difficulty enough I had to bring this fellow. --I don't
know what's the matter; but if I had not held him by force, he'd have
given me the slip.

Mrs. MALAPROP
You have infinite trouble, Sir Anthony, in the affair. I am ashamed for
the cause! --[Aside to LYDIA. ] Lydia, Lydia, rise, I beseech you! --pay
your respects!

Sir ANTHONY
I hope, madam, that Miss Languish has reflected on the worth of this
gentleman, and the regard due to her aunt's choice, and my
alliance. --[Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE. ] Now, Jack, speak to her.

ABSOLUTE
[Aside. ] What the devil shall I do! --[Aside to Sir ANTHONY. ] You see,
sir, she won't even look at me whilst you are here. I knew she
wouldn't! I told you so. Let me entreat you, sir, to leave us together!
[Seems to expostulate with his father. ]

LYDIA
[Aside. ] I wonder I ha'n't heard my aunt exclaim yet! sure she can't
have looked at him! --perhaps the regimentals are alike, and she is
something blind.

Sir ANTHONY
I say, sir, I won't stir a foot yet!

Mrs. MALAPROP
I am sorry to say, Sir Anthony, that my affluence over my niece is very
small. --[Aside to LYDIA. ] Turn round, Lydia: I blush for you!

Sir ANTHONY
May I not flatter myself, that Miss Languish will assign what cause of
dislike she can have to my son! --[Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE. ] Why don't
you begin, Jack? --Speak, you puppy--speak!

Mrs. MALAPROP
It is impossible, Sir Anthony, she can have any. She will not say she
has. --[Aside to LYDIA. ] Answer, hussy! why don't you answer?

Sir ANTHONY
Then, madam, I trust that a childish and hasty predilection will be no
bar to Jack's happiness. --[Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE. ] Zounds! sirrah!
why don't you speak?

LYDIA
[Aside. ] I think my lover seems as little inclined to conversation as
myself. --How strangely blind my aunt must be!

ABSOLUTE
Hem! hem! madam--hem! --[Attempts to speak, then returns to Sir
ANTHONY. ] Faith! sir, I am so confounded! --and--so--so--confused! --I
told you I should be so, sir--I knew it. --The--the--tremor of my
passion entirely takes away my presence of mind.

Sir ANTHONY
But it don't take away your voice, fool, does it? --Go up, and speak to
her directly!

[CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE makes signs to Mrs. MALAPROP to leave them together. ]

Mrs. MALAPROP
Sir Anthony, shall we leave them together? --[Aside to LYDIA. ] Ah! you
stubborn little vixen!

Sir ANTHONY
Not yet, ma'am, not yet! --[Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE. ] What the devil
are you at? unlock your jaws, sirrah, or----

ABSOLUTE
[Aside. ] Now Heaven send she may be too sullen to look round! --I must
disguise my voice. --[Draws near LYDIA, and speaks in a low hoarse
tone. ] Will not Miss Languish lend an ear to the mild accents of true
love? Will not----

Sir ANTHONY
What the devil ails the fellow? why don't you speak out? --not stand
croaking like a frog in a quinsy!

ABSOLUTE
The--the--excess of my awe, and my--my--my modesty, quite choke me!

Sir ANTHONY
Ah! your modesty again! --I'll tell you what, Jack; if you don't speak
out directly, and glibly too, I shall be in such a rage! --Mrs.
Malaprop, I wish the lady would favour us with something more than a
side-front.

[Mrs. MALAPROP seems to chide LYDIA. ]

ABSOLUTE
[Aside. ] So all will out, I see! --[Goes up to LYDIA, speaks softly. ] Be
not surprised, my Lydia, suppress all surprise at present.

LYDIA
[Aside. ] Heavens! 'tis Beverley's voice! Sure he can't have imposed on
Sir Anthony too! --[Looks round by degrees, then starts up. ] Is this
possible! --my Beverley! --how can this be? --my Beverley?

ABSOLUTE
[Aside. ] Ah! 'tis all over.

Sir ANTHONY
Beverley! --the devil--Beverley! --What can the girl mean? --this is my
son, Jack Absolute.

Mrs. MALAPROP
For shame, hussy! for shame! your head runs so on that fellow, that you
have him always in your eyes! --beg Captain Absolute's pardon directly.

LYDIA
I see no Captain Absolute, but my loved Beverley!

Sir ANTHONY
Zounds! the girl's mad! --her brain's turned by reading.

Mrs. MALAPROP
O' my conscience, I believe so! --What do you mean by Beverley,
hussy? --You saw Captain Absolute before to-day; there he is--your
husband that shall be.

LYDIA
With all my soul, ma'am--when I refuse my Beverley----

Sir ANTHONY
Oh! she's as mad as Bedlam! --or has this fellow been playing us a
rogue's trick! --Come here, sirrah, who the devil are you?

ABSOLUTE
Faith, sir, I am not quite clear myself; but I'll endeavour to
recollect.

Sir ANTHONY
Are you my son or not? --answer for your mother, you dog, if you won't
for me.

Mrs. MALAPROP
Ay, sir, who are you? O mercy! I begin to suspect! ----

ABSOLUTE
[Aside. ] Ye powers of impudence, befriend me! --[Aloud. ] Sir Anthony,
most assuredly I am your wife's son: and that I sincerely believe
myself to be yours also, I hope my duty has always shown. --Mrs.
Malaprop, I am your most respectful admirer, and shall be proud to add
affectionate nephew. --I need not tell my Lydia, that she sees her
faithful Beverley, who, knowing the singular generosity of her temper,
assumed that name and station, which has proved a test of the most
disinterested love, which he now hopes to enjoy in a more elevated
character.

LYDIA
[Sullenly. ] So! --there will be no elopement after all!

Sir ANTHONY
Upon my soul, Jack, thou art a very impudent fellow! to do you justice,
I think I never saw a piece of more consummate assurance!

ABSOLUTE
Oh, you flatter me, sir--you compliment--'tis my modesty, you know,
sir,--my modesty that has stood in my way.

Sir ANTHONY
Well, I am glad you are not the dull, insensible varlet you pretended
to be, however! --I'm glad you have made a fool of your father, you
dog--I am. So this was your _penitence_, your _duty_ and
_obedience! _--I thought it was damned sudden! --_You never heard their
names before_, not you! --_what, the Languishes of Worcestershire_,
hey? --_if you could please me in the affair it was all you
desired! _--Ah! you dissembling villain! --What! --[Pointing to Lydia]
_She squints, don't she? --a little red-haired girl! _--hey? --Why, you
hypocritical young rascal! --I wonder you ain't ashamed to hold up your
head!

ABSOLUTE
'Tis with difficulty, sir. --I am confused--very much confused, as you
must perceive.

Mrs. MALAPROP
O Lud! Sir Anthony! --a new light breaks in upon me! --hey! --how! what!
captain, did you write the letters then? --What--am I to thank you for
the elegant compilation of _an old weather-beaten she-dragon_--hey! --O
mercy! --was it you that reflected on my parts of speech?

ABSOLUTE
Dear sir!
my modesty will be overpowered at last, if you don't assist
me--I shall certainly not be able to stand it!

Sir ANTHONY
Come, come, Mrs. Malaprop, we must forget and forgive;--odds life!
matters have taken so clever a turn all of a sudden, that I could find
in my heart to be so good-humoured! and so gallant! hey! Mrs. Malaprop!

Mrs. MALAPROP
Well, Sir Anthony, since you desire it, we will not anticipate the
past! --so mind, young people--our retrospection will be all to the
future.

Sir ANTHONY
Come, we must leave them together; Mrs. Malaprop, they long to fly into
each other's arms, I warrant! --Jack--isn't the cheek as I said, hey? --
and the eye, you rogue! --and the lip--hey? Come, Mrs. Malaprop, we'll
not disturb their tenderness--theirs is the time of life for
happiness! --_Youth's the season made for joy_--[Sings. ]--hey! --Odds
life! I'm in such spirits,--I don't know what I could not do! --Permit
me, ma'am--[Gives his hand to Mrs. MALAPROP. ] Tol-de-rol--'gad, I
should like to have a little fooling myself--Tol-de-rol! de-rol.

[Exit, singing and handing Mrs. MALAPROP. --LYDIA sits sullenly in her
chair. ]

ABSOLUTE
[Aside. ] So much thought bodes me no good. --[Aloud. ] So grave, Lydia!

LYDIA
Sir!

ABSOLUTE
[Aside. ] So! --egad! I thought as much! --that damned monosyllable has
froze me! --[Aloud. ] What, Lydia, now that we are as happy in our
friends' consent, as in our mutual vows----

LYDIA
[Peevishly. ] Friends' consent indeed!

ABSOLUTE
Come, come, we must lay aside some of our romance--a little wealth and
comfort may be endured after all. And for your fortune, the lawyers
shall make such settlements as----

LYDIA
Lawyers! I hate lawyers!

ABSOLUTE
Nay, then, we will not wait for their lingering forms, but instantly
procure the licence, and----

LYDIA
The licence! --I hate licence!

ABSOLUTE
Oh my love! be not so unkind! --thus let me entreat---- [Kneeling. ]

LYDIA
Psha! --what signifies kneeling, when you know I must have you?

ABSOLUTE
[Rising. ] Nay, madam, there shall be no constraint upon your
inclinations, I promise you. --If I have lost your heart--I resign the
rest--[Aside. ] 'Gad, I must try what a little spirit will do.

LYDIA
[Rising. ] Then, sir, let me tell you, the interest you had there was
acquired by a mean, unmanly imposition, and deserves the punishment of
fraud. --What, you have been treating me like a child! --humouring my
romance! and laughing, I suppose, at your success!

ABSOLUTE
You wrong me, Lydia, you wrong me--only hear----

LYDIA
So, while I fondly imagined we were deceiving my relations, and
flattered myself that I should outwit and incense them all--behold my
hopes are to be crushed at once, by my aunt's consent and
approbation--and I am myself the only dupe at last! --[Walking about in
a heat. ] But here, sir, here is the picture--Beverley's picture!
[taking a miniature from her bosom] which I have worn, night and day,
in spite of threats and entreaties! --There, sir [Flings it to him. ];
and be assured I throw the original from my heart as easily.

ABSOLUTE
Nay, nay, ma'am, we will not differ as to that. --Here [taking out a
picture], here is Miss Lydia Languish. --What a difference! --ay, there
is the heavenly assenting smile that first gave soul and spirit to my
hopes! --those are the lips which sealed a vow, as yet scarce dry in
Cupid's calendar! and there the half-resentful blush, that would have
checked the ardour of my thanks! --Well, all that's past! --all over
indeed! --There, madam--in beauty, that copy is not equal to you, but in
my mind its merit over the original, in being still the same, is
such--that--I cannot find in my heart to part with it. [Puts it up
again. ]

LYDIA
[Softening. ] 'Tis your own doing, sir--I, I, I suppose you are
perfectly satisfied.

ABSOLUTE
O, most certainly--sure, now, this is much better than being in
love! --ha! ha! ha! --there's some spirit in this! --What signifies
breaking some scores of solemn promises:--all that's of no consequence,
you know. To be sure people will say, that miss don't know her own
mind--but never mind that! Or, perhaps, they may be ill-natured enough
to hint, that the gentleman grew tired of the lady and forsook her--but
don't let that fret you.

LYDIA
There is no bearing his insolence. [Bursts into tears. ]

[Re-enter Mrs. MALAPROP and Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE. ]

Mrs. MALAPROP
Come, we must interrupt your billing and cooing awhile.

LYDIA
This is worse than your treachery and deceit, you base ingrate!
[Sobbing. ]

Sir ANTHONY
What the devil's the matter now? --Zounds! Mrs. Malaprop, this is the
oddest billing and cooing I ever heard! --but what the deuce is the
meaning of it? --I am quite astonished!

ABSOLUTE
Ask the lady, sir.

Mrs. MALAPROP
O mercy! --I'm quite analyzed, for my part! --Why, Lydia, what is the
reason of this?

LYDIA
Ask the gentleman, ma'am.

Sir ANTHONY
Zounds! I shall be in a frenzy! --Why, Jack, you are not come out to be
any one else, are you?

Mrs. MALAPROP
Ay, sir, there's no more trick, is there? --you are not like Cerberus,
three gentlemen at once, are you?

ABSOLUTE
You'll not let me speak--I say the lady can account for this much much
better than I can.

LYDIA
Ma'am, you once commanded me never to think of Beverley again--there is
the man--I now obey you: for, from this moment, I renounce him for
ever. [Exit. ]

Mrs. MALAPROP
O mercy! and miracles! what a turn here is--why, sure, captain, you
haven't behaved disrespectfully to my niece.

Sir ANTHONY
Ha! ha! ha! --ha! ha! ha! --now I see it. Ha! ha! ha! --now I see it--you
have been too lively, Jack.

ABSOLUTE
Nay, sir, upon my word----

Sir ANTHONY
Come, no lying, Jack--I'm sure 'twas so.

Mrs. MALAPROP
O Lud! Sir Anthony! --O fy, captain!

ABSOLUTE
Upon my soul, ma'am----

Sir ANTHONY
Come, no excuses, Jack; why, your father, you rogue, was so before
you:--the blood of the Absolutes was always impatient. --Ha! ha! ha!
poor little Lydia! why, you've frightened her, you dog, you have.

ABSOLUTE
By all that's good, sir----

Sir ANTHONY
Zounds! say no more, I tell you--Mrs. Malaprop shall make your peace.
You must make his peace, Mrs. Malaprop:--you must tell her 'tis Jack's
way--tell her 'tis all our ways--it runs in the blood of our family!
Come away, Jack--Ha! ha! ha! --Mrs. Malaprop--a young villain! [Pushing
him out. ]

Mrs. MALAPROP
O! Sir Anthony! --O fy, captain!

[Exeunt severally. ]

* * * * * * *


Scene III--The North Parade.
[Enter Sir LUCIUS O'TRIGGER. ]

Sir LUCIUS
I wonder where this Captain Absolute hides himself! Upon my conscience!
these officers are always in one's way in love affairs:--I remember I
might have married Lady Dorothy Carmine, if it had not been for a
little rogue of a major, who ran away with her before she could get a
sight of me! And I wonder too what it is the ladies can see in them to
be so fond of them--unless it be a touch of the old serpent in 'em,
that makes the little creatures be caught, like vipers, with a bit of
red cloth. Ha! isn't this the captain coming? --faith it is! --There is a
probability of succeeding about that fellow, that is mighty provoking!
Who the devil is he talking to? [Steps aside. ]

[Enter CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE. ]

ABSOLUTE
[Aside. ] To what fine purpose I have been plotting! a noble reward for
all my schemes, upon my soul! --a little gipsy! --I did not think her
romance could have made her so damned absurd either. 'Sdeath, I never
was in a worse humour in my life! --I could cut my own throat, or any
other person's, with the greatest pleasure in the world!

Sir LUCIUS
Oh, faith! I'm in the luck of it. I never could have found him in a
sweeter temper for my purpose--to be sure I'm just come in the nick!
Now to enter into conversation with him, and so quarrel
genteelly. --[Goes up to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE. ] With regard to that matter,
captain, I must beg leave to differ in opinion with you.

ABSOLUTE
Upon my word, then, you must be a very subtle disputant:--because, sir,
I happened just then to be giving no opinion at all.

Sir LUCIUS
That's no reason. For give me leave to tell you, a man may think an
untruth as well as speak one.

ABSOLUTE
Very true, sir; but if a man never utters his thoughts, I should think
they might stand a chance of escaping controversy.

Sir LUCIUS
Then, sir, you differ in opinion with me, which amounts to the same
thing.

ABSOLUTE
Hark'ee, Sir Lucius; if I had not before known you to be a gentleman,
upon my soul, I should not have discovered it at this interview: for
what you can drive at, unless you mean to quarrel with me, I cannot
conceive!

Sir LUCIUS
I humbly thank you, sir, for the quickness of your
apprehension. --[Bowing. ] You have named the very thing I would be at.

ABSOLUTE
Very well, sir; I shall certainly not balk your inclinations. --But I
should be glad you would please to explain your motives.

Sir LUCIUS
Pray, sir, be easy; the quarrel is a very pretty quarrel as it stands;
we should only spoil it by trying to explain it. However, your memory
is very short, or you could not have forgot an affront you passed on me
within this week. So, no more, but name your time and place.

ABSOLUTE
Well, sir, since you are so bent on it, the sooner the better; let it
be this evening--here, by the Spring Gardens. We shall scarcely be
interrupted.

Sir LUCIUS
Faith!