No More Learning

--But what has brought you to
Scarborough, Tam! --[_To the_ TAILOR. ] Look you, sir, I
shall never be reconciled to this nauseous wrapping-gown,
therefore pray get me another suit with all possible expedition;
for this is my eternal aversion. --[_Exit_ TAILOR. ] Well
but, Tam, you don't tell me what has driven you to Scarborough. --
Mrs. Calico, are not you of my mind?
_Semp_. Directly, my lord. --I hope your lordship is pleased
with your ruffles?
_Lord Fop_. In love with them, stap my vitals! --Bring my
bill, you shall be paid to-morrow.
_Semp_. I humbly thank your worship. [Exit. ]
_Lord Fop_. Hark thee, shoemaker, these shoes aren't ugly,
but they don't fit me.
_Shoe_. My lord, I think they fit you very well.
_Lord Fop_. They hurt me just below the instep.
_Shoe_. [_Feels his foot_. ] No, my lord, they don't
hurt you there.
_Lord Fop_. I tell thee they pinch me execrably.
_Shoe_. Why then, my lord, if those shoes pinch you, I'll be
damned.
_Lord Fop_. Why, will thou undertake to persuade me I cannot
feel?
_Shoe_. Your lordship may please to feel what you think fit,
but that shoe does not hurt you--I think I understand my trade.
_Lord Fop_. Now, by all that's good and powerful, thou art
an incomprehensive coxcomb! --but thou makest good shoes, and so
I'll bear with thee.
_Shoe_. My lord, I have worked for half the people of
quality in this town these twenty years, and 'tis very hard I
shouldn't know when a shoe hurts, and when it don't.
_Lord Fop_. Well, pr'ythee be gone about thy business. --
[_Exit_ SHOEMAKER. ] Mr. Mendlegs, a word with you. --The
calves of these stockings are thickened a little too much; they
make my legs look like a porter's.
_Mend_. My lord, methinks they look mighty well.
_Lord Fop_. Ay, but you are not so good a judge of those
things as I am--I have studied them all my life--therefore pray
let the next be the thickness of a crown-piece less.
_Mend_. Indeed, my lord, they are the same kind I had the
honour to furnish your lordship with in town.
_Lord Fop_. Very possibly, Mr. Mendlegs; but that was in the
beginning of the winter, and you should always remember, Mr.
Hosier, that if you make a nobleman's spring legs as robust as
his autumnal calves, you commit a monstrous impropriety, and make
no allowance Tor the fatigues of the winter. [_Exit--_
MENDLEGS. ]
_Jewel_. I hope, my lord, these buckles have had the
unspeakable satisfaction of being honoured with your lordship's
approbation?
_Lord Fop_. Why, they are of a pretty fancy; but don't you
think them rather of the smallest?
_Jewel_. My lord, they could not well be larger, to keep on
your lordship's shoe.
_Lord Fop_. My good sir, you forget that these matters are
not as they used to be; formerly, indeed, the buckle was a sort
of machine, intended to keep on the shoe; but the case is now
quite reversed, and the shoe is of no earthly use, but to keep on
the buckle. --Now give me my watches [SERVANT _fetches the
watches_,] my chapeau, [SERVANT _brings a dress hat_,] my
handkerchief, [SERVANT _pours some scented liquor on a
handkerchief and brings it_,] my snuff-box [SERVANT _brings
snuff-box_. ] There, now the business of the morning is pretty
well over. [_Exit_ JEWELLER. ]
_Fash_. [_Aside to_ LORY. ] Well, Lory, what dost think
on't? --a very friendly reception from a brother, after three
years' absence!
_Lory_. [_Aside to_ TOM FASHION. ] Why, sir, 'tis your
own fault--here you have stood ever since you came in, and have
not commended any one thing that belongs to him. [SERVANTS _all
go off. _]
_Fash_. [_Aside to_ LORY. ] Nor ever shall, while they
belong to a coxcomb. --[_To_ LORD FOPPINGTON. ] Now your
people of business are gone, brother, I hope I may obtain a
quarter of an hour's audience of you?
_Lord Fop_. Faith, Tam, I must beg you'll excuse me at this
time, for I have an engagement which I would not break for the
salvation of mankind. --Hey! --there! --is my carriage at the door?
--You'll excuse me, brother. [_Going_. ]
_Fash_. Shall you be back to dinner?
_Lord Fop_. As Gad shall jedge me, I can't tell; for it is
passible I may dine with some friends at Donner's.
_Fash_. Shall I meet you there? For I must needs talk with
you.
_Lord Fop_. That I'm afraid mayn't be quite so praper; for
those I commonly eat with are people of nice conversation; and
you know, Tam, your education has been a little at large. --But
there are other ordinaries in town--very good beef ordinaries--I
suppose, Tam, you can eat beef? --However, dear Tam, I'm glad to
see thee in England, stap my vitals!
[_Exit_, LA VAROLE _following_. ]
_Fash_. Hell and furies! is this to be borne?
_Lory_. Faith, sir, I could almost have given him a knock o'
the pate myself.
_Fash_. 'Tis enough; I will now show you the excess of my
passion, by being very calm. --Come, Lory, lay your loggerhead to
mine, and, in cold blood, let us contrive his destruction.
_Lory_. Here comes a head, sir, would contrive it better
than both our loggerheads, if she would but join in the
confederacy.
_Fash_. By this light, Madam Coupler! she seems dissatisfied
at something: let us observe her.
_Enter_ MRS. COUPLER.
_Mrs. Coup_. So! I am likely to be well rewarded for my
services, truly; my suspicions, I find, were but too just. --
What! refuse to advance me a petty sum, when I am upon the point
of making him master of a galleon! but let him look to the
consequences; an ungrateful, narrow-minded coxcomb.
_Fash_. So he is, upon my soul, old lady; it must be my
brother you speak of.
_Mrs. Coup_. Ha! stripling, how came you here? What, hast
spent all, eh? And art thou come to dun his lordship for
assistance?
_Fash_. No, I want somebody's assistance to cut his
lordship's throat, without the risk of being hanged for him.
_Mrs. Coup_. Egad, sirrah, I could help thee to do him
almost as good a turn, without the danger of being burned in the
hand for't.
_Fash_. How--how, old Mischief?
_Mrs. Coup_. Why, you must know I have done you the kindness
to make up a match for your brother.
_Fash_. I am very much beholden to you, truly!
_Mrs. Coup_. You may be before the wedding-day, yet: the
lady is a great heiress, the match is concluded, the writings are
drawn, and his lordship is come hither to put the finishing hand
to the business.
_Fash_. I understand as much.
_Mrs. Coup_. Now, you must know, stripling, your brother's a
knave.
_Fash_. Good.
_Mrs. Coup_. He has given me a bond of a thousand pounds for
helping him to this fortune, and has promised me as much more, in
ready money, upon the day of the marriage; which, I understand by
a friend, he never designs to pay me; and his just now refusing
to pay me a part is a proof of it. If, therefore, you will be a
generous young rogue, and secure me five thousand pounds, I'll
help you to the lady.
_Fash_. And how the devil wilt thou do that?
_Mrs. Coup_. Without the devil's aid, I warrant thee. Thy
brother's face not one of the family ever saw; the whole business
has been managed by me, and all his letters go through my hands.
Sir Tunbelly Clumsy, my relation--for that's the old gentleman's
name--is apprised of his lordship's being down here, and expects
him to-morrow to receive his daughter's hand; but the peer, I
find, means to bait here a few days longer, to recover the
fatigue of his journey, I suppose. Now you shall go to Muddymoat
Hall in his place. --I'll give you a letter of introduction: and
if you don't marry the girl before sunset, you deserve to be
hanged before morning.
_Fash_. Agreed! agreed! and for thy reward--
_Mrs. Coup_. Well, well;--though I warrant thou hast not a
farthing of money in thy pocket now--no--one may see it in thy
face.
_Fash_. Not a sous, by Jupiter!
_Mrs. Coup_. Must I advance, then? Well, be at my lodgings,
next door, this evening, and I'll see what may be done--we'll
sign and seal, and when I have given thee some further
instructions, thou shalt hoist sail and be one.
[_Exit_. ]
_Fash_. So, Lory, Fortune, thou seest, at last takes care of
merit! we are in a fair way to be great people.
_Lory_. Ay, sir, if the devil don't step between the cup and
the lip, as he used to do.
_Fash_. Why, faith, he has played me many a damned trick to
spoil my fortune; and, egad, I am almost afraid he's at work
about it again now; but if I should tell thee how, thou'dst
wonder at me.
_Lory_. Indeed, sir, I should not.
_Fash_. How dost know?
_Lory_. Because, sir, I have wondered at you so often, I can
wonder at you no more.
_Fash_. No! what wouldst thou say, if a qualm of conscience
should spoil my design?
_Lory_. I would eat my words, and wonder more than ever.
_Fash_. Why faith, Lory, though I have played many a roguish
trick, this is so full-grown a cheat, I find I must take pains to
come up to't--I have scruples.
_Lory_. They are strong symptoms of death. If you find they
increase, sir, pray make your will.
_Fash_.
No, my conscience shan't starve me neither: but thus
far I'll listen to it. Before I execute this project, I'll try my
brother to the bottom. If he has yet so much humanity about him
as to assist me--though with a moderate aid--I'll drop my project
at his feet, and show him how I can do for him much more than
what I'd ask he'd do for me. This one conclusive trial of him I
resolve to make.

Succeed or fail, still victory is my lot;
If I subdue his heart,'tis well--if not,
I will subdue my conscience to my plot.

[_Exeunt_. ]




ACT II.

SCENE I. --LOVELESS'S _Lodgings_.
_Enter_ LOVELESS _and_ AMANDA.
_Love_. How do you like these lodgings, my dear? For my
part, I am so pleased with them, I shall hardly remove whilst we
stay here, if you are satisfied.
_Aman_. I am satisfied with everything that pleases you,
else I had not come to Scarborough at all.
_Love_. Oh, a little of the noise and folly of this place
will sweeten the pleasures of our retreat; we shall find the
charms of our retirement doubled when we return to it.
_Aman_. That pleasing prospect will be my chiefest
entertainment, whilst, much against my will, I engage in those
empty pleasures which 'tis so much the fashion to be fond of.
_Love_. I own most of them are, indeed, but empty; yet there
are delights of which a private life is destitute, which may
divert an honest man, and be a harmless entertainment to a
virtuous woman: good music is one; and truly (with some small
allowance) the plays, I think, may be esteemed another.
_Aman_. Plays, I must confess, have some small charms. What
do you think of that you saw last night?
_Love_. To say truth, I did not mind it much--my attention
was for some time taken off to admire the workmanship of Nature
in the face of a young lady who sat at some distance from me, she
was so exquisitely handsome.
_Aman_. So exquisitely handsome!
_Love_. Why do you repeat my words, my dear?
_Aman_. Because you seemed to speak them with such pleasure,
I thought I might oblige you with their echo.
_Love_. Then you are alarmed, Amanda?
_Aman_. It is my duty to be so when you are in danger.
_Love_. You are too quick in apprehending for me. I viewed
her with a world of admiration, but not one glance of love.
_Aman_. Take heed of trusting to such nice distinctions. But
were your eyes the only things that were inquisitive? Had I been
in your place, my tongue, I fancy, had been curious too. I should
have asked her where she lived--yet still without design--who was
she, pray?
_Love_. Indeed I cannot tell.
_Aman_. You will not tell.
_Love_. Upon my honour, then, I did not ask.
_Aman_. Nor do you know what company was with her?
_Love_. I do not. But why are you so earnest?
_Aman_. I thought I had cause.
_Love_. But you thought wrong, Amanda; for turn the case,
and let it be your story: should you come home and tell me you
had seen a handsome man, should I grow jealous because you had
eyes?
_Aman_. But should I tell you he was exquisitely so, and
that I had gazed on him with admiration, should you not think
'twere possible I might go one step further, and inquire his
name?
_Love_. [_Aside_. ] She has reason on her side; I have
talked too much; but I must turn off another way. --
[_Aloud_. ] Will you then make no difference, Amanda, between
the language of our sex and yours? There is a modesty restrains
your tongues, which makes you speak by halves when you commend;
but roving flattery gives a loose to ours, which makes us still
speak double what we think.
_Enter_ SERVANT.
_Ser_. Madam, there is a lady at the door in a chair desires
to know whether your ladyship sees company; her name is
Berinthia.
_Aman_. Oh dear! 'tis a relation I have not seen these five
years; pray her to walk in. --[_Exit_ SERVANT. ] Here's
another beauty for you; she was, when I saw her last, reckoned
extremely handsome.
_Love_. Don't be jealous now; for I shall gaze upon her too.
_Enter_ BERINTHIA.
Ha! by heavens, the very woman! [_Aside_. ]
_Ber_. [_Salutes_ AMANDA. ] Dear Amanda, I did not
expect to meet you in Scarborough.
_Aman_. Sweet cousin, I'm overjoyed to see you. --Mr.
Loveless, here's a relation and a friend of mine, I desire you'll
be better acquainted with.
_Love_. [_Salutes_ BERINTHIA. ] If my wife never desires
a harder thing, madam, her request will be easily granted.
_Re-enter_ SERVANT.
_Ser_. Sir, my Lord Foppington presents his humble service
to you, and desires to know how you do. He's at the next door;
and, if it be not inconvenient to you, he'll come and wait upon
you.
_Love_. Give my compliments to his lordship, and I shall be
glad to see him. --[_Exit_ SERVANT. ] If you are not
acquainted with his lordship, madam, you will be entertained with
his character.
_Aman_. Now it moves my pity more than my mirth to see a man
whom nature has made no fool be so very industrious to pass for
an ass.
_Love_. No, there you are wrong, Amanda; you should never
bestow your pity upon those who take pains for your contempt:
pity those whom nature abuses, never those who abuse nature.
_Enter_ LORD FOPPINGTON.
_Lord Fop_. Dear Loveless, I am your most humble servant.
_Love_. My lord, I'm yours.
_Lord Fop_. Madam, your ladyship's very obedient slave.
_Love_. My lord, this lady is a relation of my wife's.
_Lord Fop_. [_Salutes_ BERINTHIA. ] The beautifullest
race of people upon earth, rat me! Dear Loveless, I am overjoyed
that you think of continuing here: I am, stap my vitals! --
[_To_ AMANDA. ] For Gad's sake, madam, how has your ladyship
been able to subsist thus long, under the fatigue of a country
life?
_Aman_. My life has been very far from that, my lord; it has
been a very quiet one.
_Lord Fop_. Why, that's the fatigue I speak of, madam; for
'tis impossible to be quiet without thinking: now thinking is to
me the greatest fatigue in the world.
_Aman_. Does not your lordship love reading, then?
_Lord Fop_. Oh, passionately, madam; but I never think of
what I read. For example, madam, my life is a perpetual stream of
pleasure, that glides through with such a variety of
entertainments, I believe the wisest of our ancestors never had
the least conception of any of 'em. I rise, madam, when in town,
about twelve o'clock. I don't rise sooner, because it is the
worst thing in the world for the complexion: not that I pretend
to be a beau; but a man must endeavour to look decent, lest he
makes so odious a figure in the side-bax, the ladies should be
compelled to turn their eyes upon the play. So at twelve o'clock,
I say, I rise. Naw, if I find it is a good day, I resalve to take
the exercise of riding; so drink my chocolate, and draw on my
boots by two. On my return, I dress; and, after dinner, lounge
perhaps to the opera.
_Ber_. Your lordship, I suppose, is fond of music?
_Lord Fop_. Oh, passionately, on Tuesdays and Saturdays; for
then there is always the best company, and one is not expected to
undergo the fatigue of listening.
_Aman_. Does your lordship think that the case at the opera?
_Lord Fop_. Most certainly, madam. There is my Lady Tattle,
my Lady Prate, my Lady Titter, my Lady Sneer, my Lady Giggle, and
my Lady Grin--these have boxes in the front, and while any
favourite air is singing, are the prettiest company in the
waurld, stap my vitals! --Mayn't we hope for the honour to see you
added to our society, madam?
_Aman_. Alas! my lord, I am the worst company in the world
at a concert, I'm so apt to attend to the music.
_Lord Fop_. Why, madam, that is very pardonable in the
country or at church, but a monstrous inattention in a polite
assembly. But I am afraid I tire the company?
_Love_. Not at all. Pray go on.
_Lord Fop_. Why then, ladies, there only remains to add,
that I generally conclude the evening at one or other of the
clubs; nat that I ever play deep; indeed I have been for some
time tied up from losing above five thousand paunds at a sitting.
_Love_. But isn't your lordship sometimes obliged to attend
the weighty affairs of the nation?
_Lord Fop_. Sir, as to weighty affairs, I leave them to
weighty heads; I never intend mine shall be a burden to my body.
_Ber. _ Nay, my lord, but you are a pillar of the state.
_Lord Fop_. An ornamental pillar, madam; for sooner than
undergo any part of the fatigue, rat me, but the whole building
should fall plump to the ground!
_Aman_. But, my lord, a fine gentleman spends a great deal
of his time in his intrigues; you have given us no account of
them yet.
_Lord Fop. _ [_Aside_. ] So! she would inquire into my
amours--that's jealousy, poor soul! --I see she's in love with
me. --[_Aloud_. ] O Lord, madam, I had like to have forgot a
secret I must need tell your ladyship. --Ned, you must not be so
jealous now as to listen.
_Love. _ [_Leading_ BERINTHIA _up the stage_. ] Not
I, my lord; I am too fashionable a husband to pry into the
secrets of my wife.
_Lord Fop. _ [_Aside to_ AMANDA _squeezing her
hand_. ] I am in love with you to desperation, strike me
speechless!
_Aman. _ [_Strikes him on the ear_. ] Then thus I return
your passion. --An impudent fool!
_Lord Fop_. God's curse, madam, I am a peer of the realm!
_Love_. [_Hastily returning_. ] Hey! what the devil, do
you affront my wife, sir? Nay, then--
[_Draws. They fight. _]
_Aman_. What has my folly done? --Help! murder! help! Part
them for Heaven's sake.
_Lord Fop_. [_Falls back and leans on his sword. _] Ah!
quite through the body, stap my vitals!
_Enter_ SERVANTS.
_Love_.