No More Learning

I don't want any breakfast.

Capt. M. (Aside. ) So early! (Aloud) CAPTAIN Gadsby, I order you to eat
breakfast, and a dashed good breakfast, too. None of your bridal airs
and graces with me!

Leads G. downstairs and stands over him while he eats two chops.

Capt. G. (Who has looked at his watch thrice in the last five minutes. )
What time is it?

Capt. M. Time to come for a walk. Light up.

Capt. G. I haven't smoked for ten days, and I won't now. (Takes cheroot
which M. has cut for him, and blows smoke through his nose luxuriously. )
We aren't going down the Mall, are we?

Capt. M. (Aside. ) They're all alike in these stages. (Aloud. ) No, my
Vestal. We're going along the quietest road we can find.

Capt. G. Any chance of seeing Her?

Capt. M. Innocent! No! Come along, and, if you want me for the final
obsequies, don't cut my eye out with your stick.

Capt. G. (Spinning round. ) I say, isn't She the dearest creature that
ever walked? What's the time? What comes after "wilt thou take this
woman"?

Capt. M. You go for the ring. R'c'lect it'll be on the top of my
right-hand little finger, and just be careful how you draw it off,
because I shall have the Verger's fees somewhere in my glove.

Capt. G. (Walking forward hastily. ) D--the Verger! Come along! It's past
twelve and I haven't seen Her since yesterday evening. (Spinning round
again. ) She's an absolute angel, Jack, and She's a dashed deal too good
for me. Look here, does She come up the aisle on my arm, or how?

Capt. M. If I thought that there was the least chance of your
remembering anything for two consecutive minutes, I'd tell you. Stop
passaging about like that!

Capt. G. (Halting in the middle of the road. ) I say, Jack.

Capt. M. Keep quiet for another ten minutes if you can, you lunatic; and
walk!

The two tramp at five miles an hour for fifteen minutes.

Capt. G. What's the time? How about the cursed wedding-cake and the
slippers? They don't throw 'em about in church, do they?

Capt. M. Invariably. The Padre leads off with his boots.

Capt. G. Confound your silly soul! Don't make fun of me. I can't stand
it, and I won't!

Capt. M. (Untroubled. ) So-ooo, old horse You'll have to sleep for a
couple of hours this afternoon.

Capt. G. (Spinning round. ) I'm not going to be treated like a dashed
child, understand that.

Capt. M. (Aside. ) Nerves gone to fiddle-strings. What a day we're
having! (Tenderly putting his hand on G. 's shoulder. ) My David, how long
have you known this Jonathan? Would I come up here to make a fool of
you--after all these years?

Capt. G. (Penitently. ) I know, I know, Jack--but I'm as upset as I can
be. Don't mind what I say. Just hear me run through the drill and see if
I've got it all right:--"To have and to hold for better or worse, as it
was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end, so
help me God. Amen. "

Capt. M. (Suffocating with suppressed laughter. ) Yes. That's about the
gist of it. I'll prompt if you get into a hat.

Capt. G. (Earnestly. ) Yes, you'll stick by me, Jack, won't you? I'm
awfully happy, but I don't mind telling you that I'm in a blue funk!

Capt. M. (Gravely. ) Are you? I should never have noticed it. You don't
look like it.

Capt. G. Don't I? That's all right. (Spinning round. ) On my soul and
honor, Jack, She's the sweetest little angel that ever came down from
the sky. There isn't a woman on earth fit to speak to Her.

Capt. M. (Aside. ) And this is old Gadsby! (Aloud. ) Go on if it relieves
you.

Capt. G. You can laugh! That's all you wild asses of bachelors are fit
for.

Capt. M. (Drawling. ) You never would wait for the troop to come up. You
aren't quite married yet, y'know.

Capt. G. Ugh! That reminds me. I don't believe I shall be able to get
into any boots Let's go home and try 'em on (Hurries forward. )

Capt. M. 'Wouldn't be in your shoes for anything that Asia has to offer.

Capt. G. (Spinning round. ) That just shows your hideous blackness of
soul--your dense stupidity--your brutal narrow-mindedness. There's only
one fault about you. You're the best of good fellows, and I don't know
what I should have done without you, but--you aren't married. (Wags his
head gravely. ) Take a wife, Jack.

Capt. M. (With a face like a wall. ) Ya-as. Whose for choice?

Capt. G. If you're going to be a blackguard, I'm going on--What's the
time?

Capt. M. (Hums. ) An' since 'twas very clear we drank only ginger-beer,
Faith, there must ha' been some stingo in the ginger. Come back, you
maniac. I'm going to take you home, and you're going to lie down.

Capt. G. What on earth do I want to lie down for?

Capt. M. Give me a light from your cheroot and see.

Capt. G. (Watching cheroot-butt quiver like a tuning-fork. ) Sweet state
I'm in!

Capt. M. You are. I'll get you a peg and you'll go to sleep.

They return and M. compounds a four-finger peg.

Capt. G. O bus! bus! It'll make me as drunk as an owl.

Capt. M. 'Curious thing, 'twon't have the slightest effect on you.
Drink
it off, chuck yourself down there, and go to bye-bye.

Capt. G. It's absurd. I sha'n't sleep, I know I sha'n't!

Falls into heavy doze at end of seven minutes. Capt. M. watches him
tenderly.

Capt. M. Poor old Gadsby! I've seen a few turned off before, but never
one who went to the gallows in this condition. 'Can't tell how it
affects 'em, though. It's the thoroughbreds that sweat when they're
backed into double-harness. --And that's the man who went through the
guns at Amdheran like a devil possessed of devils. (Leans over G. ) But
this is worse than the guns, old pal--worse than the guns, isn't it? (G.
turns in his sleep, and M. touches him clumsily on the forehead. ) Poor,
dear old Gaddy! Going like the rest of 'em--going like the rest of
'em--Friend that sticketh closer than a brother--eight years. Dashed
bit of a slip of a girl--eight weeks! And--where's your friend? (Smokes
disconsolately till church clock strikes three. )

Capt. M. Up with you! Get into your kit.

Capt. C. Already? Isn't it too soon? Hadn't I better have a shave?

Capt. M. No! You're all right. (Aside. ) He'd chip his chin to pieces.

Capt. C. What's the hurry?

Capt. M. You've got to be there first.

Capt. C. To be stared at?

Capt. M. Exactly. You're part of the show. Where's the burnisher? Your
spurs are in a shameful state.

Capt. G. (Gruffly. ) Jack, I be damned if you shall do that for me.

Capt. M. (More gruffly. ) Dry up and get dressed! If I choose to clean
your spurs, you're under my orders.

Capt. G. dresses. M. follows suit.

Capt. M. (Critically, walking round. ) M'--yes, you'll do. Only don't
look so like a criminal. Ring, gloves, fees--that's all right for me.
Let your moustache alone. Now, if the ponies are ready, we'll go.

Capt. G. (Nervously. ) It's much too soon. Let's light up! Let's have a
peg! Let's--

Capt. M. Let's make bally asses of ourselves!

BELLS. (Without. )--"Good-peo-ple-all To prayers-we call. "

Capt. M. There go the bells! Come on--unless you'd rather not. (They
ride off. )

BELLS. --"We honor the King And Brides joy do bring--Good tidings we
tell, And ring the Dead's knell. "

Capt. G. (Dismounting at the door of the Church. ) I say, aren't we much
too soon? There are no end of people inside. I say, aren't we much too
late? Stick by me, Jack! What the devil do I do?

Capt. M. Strike an attitude at the head of the aisle and wait for Her.
(G. groans as M. wheels him into position before three hundred eyes. )

Capt. M. (Imploringly. ) Gaddy, if you love me, for pity's sake, for the
Honor of the Regiment, stand up! Chuck yourself into your uniform! Look
like a man! I've got to speak to the Padre a minute. (G. breaks into a
gentle Perspiration. ) If you wipe your face I'll never be your best man
again. Stand up! (G. trembles visibly. )

Capt. M. (Returning. ) She's coming now. Look out when the music starts.
There's the organ beginning to clack.

Bride steps out of 'rickshaw at Church door. G. catches a glimpse of her
and takes heart.

ORGAN. --"The Voice that breathed o'er Eden, That earliest marriage day,
The primal marriage-blessing, It hath not passed away. "

Capt. M. (Watching G. ) By Jove! He is looking well. 'Didn't think he had
it in him.

Capt. G. How long does this hymn go on for?

Capt. M. It will be over directly. (Anxiously. ) (Beginning to bleach and
gulp. ) Hold on, Gabby, and think 'o the Regiment.

Capt. G. (Measuredly. ) I say, there's a big brown lizard crawling up
that wall.

Capt. M. My Sainted Mother! The last stage of collapse!

Bride comes up to left of altar, lifts her eyes once to G. , who is
suddenly smitten mad.

Capt. G. (To himself again and again. ) Little Featherweight's a woman--a
woman! And I thought she was a little girl.

Capt. M. (In a whisper. ) Form the halt--inward wheel.

Capt. G. obeys mechanically and the ceremony proceeds.

PADRE. . . . only unto her as ye both shall live?

Capt. G. (His throat useless. ) Ha-hmmm!

Capt. M. Say you will or you won't. There's no second deal here.

Bride gives response with perfect coolness, and is given away by the
father.

Capt. G. (Thinking to show his learning. ) Jack give me away now, quick!

Capt. M. You've given yourself away quite enough. Her right hand, man!
Repeat! Repeat! "Theodore Philip. " Have you forgotten your own name?

Capt. G. stumbles through Affirmation, which Bride repeats without a
tremor.