No More Learning

" I
was going to repeat my remonstrances; but just then we heard a footman's
rap at the door, and the two ladies cried out, "As sure as death, there
is our master and mistress come home! " It seems my entertainer was all
this while only the butler, who, in his master's absence, had a mind to
cut a figure, and be for a while the gentleman himself; and, to say the
truth, he talked politics as well as most country gentlemen do. But
nothing could now exceed my confusion upon seeing the gentleman and his
lady enter; nor was their surprise, at finding such company and good
cheer, less than ours. "Gentlemen," cried the real master of the house
to me and my companion, "my wife and I are your most humble servants;
but I protest this is so unexpected a favour, that we almost sink under
the obligation. " However unexpected our company might be to them,
theirs, I am sure, was still more so to us, and I was struck dumb with
the apprehensions of my own absurdity, when whom should I next see enter
the room but my dear Miss Arabella Wilmot, who was formerly designed to
be married to my son George; but whose match was broken off, as already
related! As soon as she saw me, she flew to my arms with the utmost joy.
"My dear sir," cried she, "to what happy accident is it that we owe so
unexpected a visit? I am sure my uncle and aunt will be in raptures when
they find they have got the good Dr. Primrose for their guest. " Upon
hearing my name, the old gentleman and lady very politely stepped up,
and welcomed me with most cordial hospitality. Nor could they forbear
smiling on being informed of the nature of my present visit; but the
unfortunate butler, whom they at first seemed disposed to turn away, was
at my intercession forgiven.

Mr. Arnold and his lady, to whom the house belonged, now insisted upon
having the pleasure of my stay for some days; and as their niece, my
charming pupil, whose mind, in some measure, had been formed under my
own instructions, joined in their entreaties, I complied. That night I
was shown to a magnificent chamber, and the next morning early, Miss
Wilmot desired to walk with me in the garden, which was decorated in the
modern manner. After some time spent in pointing out the beauties of the
place, she inquired, with seeming unconcern, when last I had heard from
my son George. "Alas! madam," cried I, "he has now been nearly three
years absent, without ever writing to his friends or me. Where he is I
know not; perhaps I shall never see him or happiness more. No, my dear
madam, we shall never more see such pleasing hours as were once spent by
our fireside at Wakefield. My little family are now dispersing very
fast, and poverty has brought not only want, but infamy, upon us. " The
good-natured girl let fall a tear at this account; but as I saw her
possessed of too much sensibility, I forbore a more minute detail of our
sufferings. It was, however, some consolation to me to find that time
had made no alteration in her affections, and that she had rejected
several offers that had been made her since our leaving her part of the
country. She led me round all the extensive improvements of the place,
pointing to the several walks and arbours, and at the same time catching
from every object a hint for some new question relative to my son. In
this manner we spent the forenoon, till the bell summoned us to dinner,
where we found the manager of the strolling company that I mentioned
before, who was come to dispose of tickets for the _Fair Penitent_,
which was to be acted that evening: the part of Horatio by a young
gentleman who had never appeared on any stage. He seemed to be very warm
in the praise of the new performer, and averred that he never saw any
one who bade so fair for excellence. Acting, he observed, was not
learned in a day; "but this gentleman," continued he, "seems born to
tread the stage. His voice, his figure, and attitudes, are all
admirable. We caught him up accidentally in our journey down. " This
account in some measure excited our curiosity, and, at the entreaty of
the ladies, I was prevailed upon to accompany them to the play-house,
which was no other than a barn. As the company with which I went was
incontestably the chief of the place, we were received with the greatest
respect, and placed in the front seat of the theatre; where we sat for
some time with no small impatience to see Horatio make his appearance.
The new performer advanced at last; and let parents think of my
sensations by their own, when I found it was my unfortunate son! He was
going to begin, when, turning his eyes upon the audience, he perceived
Miss Wilmot and me, and stood at once speechless and immoveable.

The actors behind the scenes, who ascribed this pause to his natural
timidity, attempted to encourage him; but, instead of going on, he burst
into a flood of tears, and retired off the stage. I don't know what were
my feelings on this occasion, for they succeeded with too much rapidity
for description; but I was soon awakened from this disagreeable reverie
by Miss Wilmot, who, pale and with a trembling voice, desired me to
conduct her back to her uncle's. When got home, Mr. Arnold, who was as
yet a stranger to our extraordinary behaviour, being informed that the
new performer was my son, sent his coach and an invitation for him; and,
as he persisted in his refusal to appear again upon the stage, the
players put another in his place, and we soon had him with us. Mr.
Arnold gave him the kindest reception, and I received him with my usual
transport; for I could never counterfeit false resentment. Miss Wilmot's
reception was mixed with seeming neglect, and yet I could perceive she
acted a studied part. The tumult in her mind seemed not yet abated; she
said twenty giddy things that looked like joy, and then laughed loud at
her own want of meaning. At intervals she would take a sly peep at the
glass, as if happy in the consciousness of irresistible beauty; and
often would ask questions, without giving any manner of attention to the
answers.




_CHAPTER XX. _

_The History of a Philosophic Vagabond pursuing novelty,
but losing content. _


After we had supped, Mrs. Arnold politely offered to send a couple of
her footmen for my son's baggage, which he at first seemed to decline;
but, upon her pressing the request, he was obliged to inform her, that a
stick and a wallet were all the moveable things upon this earth which he
could boast of.

[Illustration:

"_As I was one day sitting on a bench in
St. James's Park, a young gentleman of
distinction, who had been my intimate
acquaintance at the university, approached me. _"—_p. _ 93.
]


"Why, ay, my son," cried I, "you left me but poor; and poor, I find, you
are come back; and yet, I make no doubt, you have seen a great deal of
the world. " "Yes, sir," replied my son; "but travelling after fortune is
not the way to secure her: and, indeed, of late I have desisted from the
pursuit. "

"I fancy, sir," cried Mrs. Arnold, "that the account of your adventures
would be amusing: the first part of them I have often heard from my
niece; but could the company prevail for the rest, it would be an
additional obligation. " "Madam," replied my son, "I promise you the
pleasure you have in hearing will not be half so great as my vanity in
repeating them; and yet in the whole narrative I can scarcely promise
you one adventure, as my account is rather of what I saw than what I
did. The first misfortune of my life, which you all know, was great; but
though it distressed, it could not sink me. No person ever had a better
knack of hoping than I. The less kind I found Fortune at one time, the
more I expected from her at another; and being now at the bottom of her
wheel, every new revolution might lift, but could not depress me. I
proceeded, therefore, towards London on a fine morning, no way uneasy
about to-morrow, but cheerful as the birds that carolled by the road;
and comforted myself with reflecting that London was the mart where
abilities of every kind were sure of meeting distinction and reward.

"Upon my arrival in town, sir, my first care was to deliver your letter
of recommendation to our cousin, who was himself in little better
circumstances than I. My first scheme, you know, sir, was to be usher at
an academy, and I asked his advice on the affair. Our cousin received
the proposal with a true sardonic grin. 'Ay,' cried he, 'this is,
indeed, a very pretty career that has been chalked out for you. I have
been an usher to a boarding-school myself; and may I die by an anodyne
necklace, but I had rather be an under-turnkey in Newgate! I was up
early and late: I was browbeat by the master, hated for my ugly face by
the mistress, worried by the boys within, and never permitted to stir
out to meet civility abroad. But are you sure you are fit for a school?
Let me examine you a little. Have you been bred apprentice to the
business? ' 'No. ' 'Then you won't do for a school. Can you dress the
boys' hair? ' 'No. ' 'Then you won't do for a school. Have you had the
small-pox? ' 'No. ' 'Then you won't do for a school. Can you lie three in
a bed? ' 'No. ' 'Then you will never do for a school. Have you got a good
stomach? ' 'Yes. ' 'Then you will by no means do for a school. No, sir; if
you are for a genteel, easy profession, bind yourself seven years as an
apprentice to turn a cutler's wheel; but avoid a school by any means.
Yet come,' continued he, 'I see you are a lad of spirit and some
learning; what do you think of commencing author, like me? You have read
in books, no doubt, of men of genius starving at the trade; at present
I'll show you forty very dull fellows about town that live by it in
opulence—all honest jog-trot men, who go on smoothly and dully, write
history and politics, and are praised: men, sir, who, had they been bred
cobblers, would all their lives have only mended shoes, but never made
them. '

"Finding that there was no great degree of gentility affixed to the
character of an usher, I resolved to accept his proposal; and, having
the highest respect for literature, hailed the _Antiqua Mater_ of
Grub-street with reverence. I thought it my glory to pursue a track
which Dryden and Otway trod before me. I considered the goddess of this
region as the parent of excellence; and, however an intercourse with the
world might give us good sense, the poverty she entailed I supposed to
be the nurse of genius. Big with these reflections I sat down, and,
finding that the best things remained to be said on the wrong side, I
resolved to write a book that should be wholly new. I therefore dressed
up three paradoxes with some ingenuity. They were false, indeed, but
they were new. The jewels of truth have been so often imported by
others, that nothing was left for me to import but some splendid things
that, at a distance, looked every bit as well. Witness, you powers, what
fancied importance sat perched upon my quill while I was writing! The
whole learned world, I made no doubt, would rise to oppose my systems;
but then I was prepared to oppose the whole learned world. Like the
porcupine, I sat self-collected, with a quill pointed against every
opposer. "

"Well said, my boy! " cried I; "and what subject did you treat upon? I
hope you did not pass over the importance of monogamy? But I interrupt:
go on. You published your paradoxes; well, and what did the learned
world say to your paradoxes? "

"Sir," replied my son, "the learned world said nothing to my paradoxes;
nothing at all, sir. Every man of them was employed in praising his
friends and himself, or condemning his enemies; and, unfortunately, as I
had neither, I suffered the cruellest mortification—neglect.

"As I was meditating one day, in a coffee-house, on the fate of my
paradoxes, a little man happening to enter the room, placed himself in
the box before me; and, after some preliminary discourse, finding me to
be a scholar, drew out a bundle of proposals, begging me to subscribe to
a new edition he was going to give the world of Propertius, with notes.
This demand necessarily produced a reply that I had no money; and that
concession led him to inquire into the nature of my expectations.
Finding that my expectations were just as great as my purse, 'I see,'
cried he, 'you are unacquainted with the town. I'll teach you a part of
it. —Look at these proposals; upon these very proposals I have subsisted
very comfortably for twelve years. The moment a nobleman returns from
his travels, a Creolian arrives from Jamaica, or a dowager from her
country-seat, I strike for a subscription. I first besiege their hearts
with flattery, and then pour in my proposals at the breach. If they
subscribe readily the first time, I renew my request to beg a dedication
fee; if they let me have that, I smite them once more for engraving
their coat of arms at the top. Thus,' continued he, 'I live by vanity,
and laugh at it. But, between ourselves, I am now too well known; I
should be glad to borrow your face a bit: a nobleman of distinction has
just returned from Italy; my face is familiar to his porter: but, if you
bring this copy of verses, my life for it, you succeed, and we divide
the spoil. '"

"Bless us! George," cried I, "and is this the employment of poets now?
Do men of their exalted talents thus stoop to beggary? Can they so far
disgrace their calling as to make a vile traffic of praise for bread? "

"Oh, no, sir," returned he; "a true poet can never be so base; for,
wherever there is genius there is pride. The creatures I now describe
are only beggars in rhyme. The real poet, as he braves every hardship
for fame, so is he equally a coward to contempt: and none but those who
are unworthy of protection condescend to solicit it.

"Having a mind too proud to stoop to such indignities, and yet a fortune
too humble to hazard a second attempt for fame, I was now obliged to
take a middle course, and write for bread. But I was unqualified for a
profession where mere industry alone was to insure success. I could not
suppress my lurking passion for applause; but usually consumed that time
in efforts after excellence, which takes up but little room, when it
should have been more advantageously employed in the diffusive
productions of fruitful mediocrity. My little piece would, therefore,
come forth in the midst of periodical publications, unnoticed and
unknown. The public were more importantly employed than to observe the
easy simplicity of my style, or the harmony of my periods. Sheet after
sheet was thrown off to oblivion. My essays were buried among the essays
upon liberty, eastern tales, and cures for the bite of a mad dog; while
Philautos, Philalethes, and Philelutheros, and Philanthropos, all wrote
better, because they wrote faster than I.

"Now, therefore, I began to associate with none but disappointed authors
like myself, who praised, deplored, and despised each other. The
satisfaction we found in every celebrated writer's attempts was
inversely as their merits. I found that no genius in another could
please me: my unfortunate paradoxes had entirely dried up that source of
comfort. I could neither read nor write with satisfaction; for
excellence in another was my aversion, and writing was my trade.

[Illustration:

"_And without taking further notice
he went out of the room. _"—_p. _ 95
]


"In the midst of these gloomy reflections, as I was one day sitting on a
bench in St. James's Park, a young gentleman of distinction, who had
been my intimate acquaintance at the university, approached me. We
saluted each other with some hesitation: he almost ashamed of being
known to one who made so shabby an appearance, and I afraid of a
repulse. But my suspicions soon vanished; for Ned Thornhill was at the
bottom a very good-natured fellow. "

"What did you say, George? " interrupted I. "Thornhill! was not that his
name? It can certainly be no other than my landlord. " "Bless me! " cried
Mrs. Arnold, "is Mr. Thornhill so near a neighbour of yours? He has long
been a friend in our family, and we expect a visit from him shortly. "

"My friend's first care," continued my son, "was to alter my appearance
by a very fine suit of his own clothes, and then I was admitted to his
table upon the footing of half friend, half underling. My business was
to attend him at auctions, to put him in spirits when he sat for his
picture, to take the left hand in his chariot when not filled by
another, and to assist at tattering a kip, as the phrase was, when he
had a mind for a frolic. Besides this, I had twenty other little
employments in the family. I was to do many small things without
bidding; to carry the corkscrew; to stand godfather to all the butler's
children; to sing when I was bid; to be never out of humour; always to
be humble; and, if I could, to be very happy.

"In this honourable post, however, I was not without a rival. A captain
of marines, who was formed for the place by nature, opposed me in my
patron's affections. His mother had been laundress to a man of quality,
and thus he early acquired a taste for pimping and pedigree. As this
gentleman made it the study of his life to be acquainted with lords,
though he was dismissed from several for his stupidity, yet he found
many of them, who were as dull as himself, that permitted his
assiduities. As flattery was his trade, he practised it with the easiest
address imaginable; but it came awkward and stiff from me; and as every
day my patron's desire of flattery increased, so every hour, being
better acquainted with his defects, I became more unwilling to give it.
Thus I was once more fairly going to give up the field to the captain,
when my friend found occasion for my assistance. This was nothing less
than to fight a duel for him with a gentleman whose sister it was
pretended he had used ill. I readily complied with his request, and
though I see you are displeased at my conduct, yet, as it was a debt
indispensably due to friendship, I could not refuse. I undertook the
affair, disarmed my antagonist, and soon after had the pleasure of
finding that the lady was only a woman of the town, and the fellow her
bully and a sharper. This piece of service was repaid with the warmest
professions of gratitude; but as my friend was to leave town in a few
days, he knew no other method of serving me but by recommending me to
his uncle, Sir William Thornhill, and another nobleman of great
distinction, who enjoyed a post under the government. When he was gone,
my first care was to carry his recommendatory letter to his uncle, a man
whose character for every virtue was universal, yet just. I was received
by his servants with the most hospitable smiles, for the looks of the
domestics ever transmit their master's benevolence. Being shown into a
grand apartment, where Sir William soon came to me, I delivered my
message and letter, which he read, and after pausing some minutes,
'Pray, sir,' cried he, 'inform me what you have done for my kinsman to
deserve this warm recommendation. But I suppose, sir, I guess your
merits: you have fought for him; and so you would expect a reward from
me for being the instrument of his vices. I wish, sincerely wish, that
my present refusal may be some punishment for your guilt; but still more
that it may be some inducement to your repentance. ' The severity of this
rebuke I bore patiently, because I knew that it was just. My whole
expectations now, therefore, lay in my letter to the great man. As the
doors of the nobility are almost ever beset with beggars, all ready to
thrust in some sly petition, I found it no easy matter to gain
admittance. However, after bribing the servants with half my worldly
fortune, I was at last shown into a spacious apartment, my letter being
previously sent up for his lordship's inspection. During this anxious
interval I had full time to look around me. Everything was grand and of
happy contrivance: the paintings, the furniture, the gildings, petrified
me with awe, and raised my idea of the owner. Ah! thought I to myself,
how very great must the possessor of all these things be, who carries in
his head the business of the state, and whose house displays half the
wealth of a kingdom; sure his genius must be unfathomable! During these
awful reflections I heard a step come heavily forward. Ah, this is the
great man himself! No, it was only a chambermaid. Another foot was heard
soon after. This must be he! No, it was only the great man's
_valet-de-chambre_. At last his lordship actually made his appearance.
'Are you,' cried he, 'the bearer of this here letter? ' I answered with a
bow. 'I learn by this,' continued he, 'as how that—' But just at that
instant a servant delivered him a card; and without taking further
notice he went out of the room, and left me to digest my own happiness
at leisure. I saw no more of him, till told by a footman that his
lordship was going to his coach at the door. Down I immediately
followed, and joined my voice to that of three or four more, who came
like me to petition for favours. His lordship, however, went too fast
for us, and was gaining his chariot-door with large strides, when I
hallooed out to know if I was to have any reply. He was by this time got
in, and muttered an answer, half of which only I heard, the other half
was lost in the rattling of his chariot-wheels. I stood for some time
with my neck stretched out, in the posture of one that was listening to
catch the glorious sounds, till, looking round me, I found myself alone
at his lordship's gate.

"My patience," continued my son, "was now quite exhausted. Stung with
the thousand indignities I had met with, I was willing to cast myself
away, and only wanted the gulf to receive me. I regarded myself as one
of those vile things that Nature designed should be thrown by into her
lumber-room, there to perish in obscurity. I had still, however,
half-a-guinea left, and of that I thought Fortune herself should not
deprive me; but, in order to be sure of this, I was resolved to go
instantly and spend it while I had it, and then trust to occurrences for
the rest. As I was going along with this resolution, it happened that
Mr. Crispe's office seemed invitingly open to give me a welcome
reception. In this office Mr. Crispe kindly offers all his majesty's
subjects a generous promise of thirty pounds a-year, for which promise
all they give in return is their liberty for life, and permission to let
him transport them to America as slaves. I was happy at finding a place
where I could lose my fears in desperation, and entered this cell, for
it had the appearance of one, with the devotion of a monastic. Here I
found a number of poor creatures, all in circumstances like myself,
expecting the arrival of Mr. Crispe, presenting a true epitome of
English impatience. Each untractable soul at variance with fortune
wreaked her injuries on their own hearts; but Mr. Crispe at last came
down, and all our murmurs were hushed.
He deigned to regard me with an
air of peculiar approbation, and indeed he was the first man who, for a
month past, talked to me with smiles. After a few questions, he found I
was fit for everything in the world. He paused awhile upon the properest
means of providing for me, and slapping his forehead as if he had found
it, assured me that there was at that time an embassy talked of from the
synod of Pennsylvania to the Chickasaw Indians, and that he would use
his interest to get me made secretary. I knew in my own heart that the
fellow lied, and yet his promise gave me pleasure, there was something
so magnificent in the sound. I fairly, therefore, divided my
half-guinea, one-half of which went to be added to his thirty thousand
pounds, and with the other half I resolved to go to the next tavern, to
be there more happy than he.

"As I was going out with that resolution, I was met at the door by the
captain of a ship, with whom I had formerly some little acquaintance,
and he agreed to be my companion over a bowl of punch. As I never chose
to make a secret of my circumstances, he assured me that I was upon the
very point of ruin, in listening to the office-keeper's promises; for
that he only designed to sell me to the plantations. 'But,' continued
he, 'I fancy you might by a much shorter voyage be very easily put into
a genteel way of bread. Take my advice. My ship sails to-morrow for
Amsterdam; what if you go in her as a passenger? The moment you land,
all you have to do is to teach the Dutchmen English, and I warrant
you'll get pupils and money enough. I suppose you understand English,'
added he, 'by this time, or the deuce is in it. '

[Illustration:

"_Whenever I approached a peasant's house
towards nightfall, I played one of my most
merry tunes, and this procured me not only
a lodging, but subsistence for the next day. _"—_p. _ 99.
]

I confidently assured him of that; but expressed a doubt whether the
Dutch would be willing to learn English. He affirmed, with an oath, that
they were fond of it to distraction; and upon that affirmation I agreed
with his proposal, and embarked with him the next day to teach the Dutch
English in Holland. The wind was fair, our voyage short; and, after
having paid my passage with half my moveables, I found myself, as fallen
from the skies, a stranger in one of the principal streets of Amsterdam.
In this situation I was unwilling to let any time pass unemployed in
teaching. I addressed myself, therefore, to two or three of those I met,
whose appearance seemed most promising; but it was impossible to make
ourselves mutually understood. It was not till this very moment I
recollected that, in order to teach Dutchmen English, it was necessary
that they should first teach me Dutch. How I came to overlook so obvious
an objection is to me amazing; but certain it is I overlooked it.

"This scheme thus blown up, I had some thoughts of fairly shipping back
to England again; but falling into company with an Irish student who was
returning from Louvain, our conversation turning upon topics of
literature (for by the way, it may be observed, that I always forgot the
meanness of my circumstances when I could converse on such subjects),
from him I learned that there were not two men in his whole university
who understood Greek. This amazed me: I instantly resolved to travel to
Louvain, and there live by teaching Greek; and in this design I was
heartened by my brother-student, who threw out some hints that a fortune
might be got by it.

"I set boldly forward the next morning. Every day lessened the burthen
of my moveables, like Æsop and his basket of bread; for I paid them for
my lodgings to the Dutch as I travelled on. When I came to Louvain, I
was resolved not to go sneaking to the lower professors, but openly
tendered my talents to the principal himself. I went, had admittance,
and offered him my service as a master of the Greek language, which I
had been told was a desideratum in his university. The principal seemed,
at first, to doubt of my abilities; but of these I offered to convince
him, by turning a part of any Greek author he should fix upon into
Latin. Finding me perfectly earnest in my proposal, he addressed me
thus: 'You see me, young man: I never learned Greek, and I don't find
that I have ever missed it. I have had a doctor's cap and gown without
Greek; I have ten thousand florins a-year without Greek; I eat heartily
without Greek; and, in short,' continued he, 'as I don't know Greek, I
do not believe there is any good in it. '

"I was now too far from home to think of returning, so I resolved to go
forward. I had some knowledge of music, with a tolerable voice; I now
turned what was once my amusement into a present means of subsistence. I
passed among the harmless peasants of Flanders, and among such of the
French as were poor enough to be very merry; for I ever found them
sprightly in proportion to their wants. Whenever I approached a
peasant's house towards nightfall, I played one of my most merry tunes,
and that procured me not only a lodging, but subsistence for the next
day. I once or twice attempted to play for people of fashion; but they
always thought my performance odious, and never rewarded me even with a
trifle. This was to me the more extraordinary, as whenever I used in
better days to play for company, when playing was my amusement, my music
never failed to throw them into raptures, and the ladies especially;
but, as it was now my only means, it was received with contempt: a proof
how ready the world is to underrate those talents by which a man is
supported.

"In this manner I proceeded to Paris, with no design but just to look
about me, and then to go forward. The people of Paris are much fonder of
strangers that have money than of those that have wit. As I could not
boast much of either, I was no great favourite. After walking about the
town four or five days, and seeing the outsides of the best houses, I
was preparing to leave this retreat of venal hospitality; when, passing
through one of the principal streets, whom should I meet but our cousin,
to whom you first recommended me! This meeting was very agreeable to me,
and I believe not displeasing to him. He inquired into the nature of my
journey to Paris, and informed me of his own business there, which was
to collect pictures, medals, intaglios, and antiques of all kinds, for a
gentleman in London, who had just stepped into taste and a large
fortune. I was the more surprised at seeing our cousin pitched upon for
this office, as he himself had often assured me he knew nothing of the
matter. Upon asking how he had been taught the art of a _cognoscento_ so
very suddenly, he assured me that nothing was more easy. The whole
secret consisted in a strict adherence to two rules: the one, always to
observe that the picture might have been better if the painter had taken
more pains; and the other, to praise the works of Pietro Perugino.
'But,' says he, 'as I once taught you how to be an author in London,
I'll now undertake to instruct you in the art of picture-buying in
Paris. '

"With this proposal I very readily closed, as it was a living; and now
all my ambition was to live. I went therefore to his lodgings, improved
my dress by his assistance; and, after some time, accompanied him to
auctions of pictures, where the English gentry were expected to be
purchasers. I was not a little surprised at his intimacy with people of
the best fashion, who referred themselves to his judgment upon every
picture or medal, as to an unerring standard of taste. He made very good
use of my assistance upon these occasions; for when asked his opinion,
he would gravely take me aside and ask mine, shrug, look wise, return,
and assure the company that he could give no opinion upon an affair of
so much importance. Yet there was sometimes an occasion for a more
supported assurance. I remember to have seen him, after giving his
opinion that the colouring of a picture was not mellow enough, very
deliberately take a brush with brown varnish that was accidentally lying
by, and rub it over the piece with great composure before all the
company, and then ask if he had not improved the tints.

"When he had finished his commission in Paris, he left me strongly
recommended to several men of distinction, as a person very proper for a
travelling tutor; and, after some time, I was employed in that capacity
by a gentleman who brought his ward to Paris in order to set him forward
on his tour through Europe. I was to be the young gentleman's governor,
but with a proviso that he should always be permitted to govern himself.
My pupil, in fact, understood the art of guiding in money concerns much
better than I. He was heir to a fortune of about two hundred thousand
pounds, left him by an uncle in the West Indies; and his guardians, to
qualify him for the management of it, had bound him apprentice to an
attorney. Thus avarice was his prevailing passion: all his questions on
the road were, how much money might be saved; which was the least
expensive course of travelling; whether anything could be bought that
would turn to account when disposed of again in London. Such curiosities
on the way as could be seen for nothing he was ready enough to look at;
but if the sight of them was to be paid for, he usually asserted that he
had been told they were not worth seeing. He never paid a bill that he
would not observe how amazingly expensive travelling was! And all this
though he was not yet twenty-one. When arrived at Leghorn, as we took a
walk to look at the port and shipping, he inquired the expense of the
passage by sea home to England. This he was informed was but a trifle
compared to his returning by land: he was therefore unable to withstand
the temptation; so, paying me the small part of my salary that was due,
he took leave, and embarked with only one attendant for London.

"I now therefore was left once more upon the world at large; but then it
was a thing I was used to. However, my skill in music could avail me
nothing in a country where every peasant was a better musician than I;
but by this time I had acquired another talent which answered my purpose
as well, and this was a skill in disputation. In all the foreign
universities and convents there are, upon certain days, philosophical
theses maintained against every adventitious disputant; for which, if
the champion opposes with any dexterity, he can claim a gratuity in
money, a dinner, and a bed for one night. In this manner, therefore, I
fought my way towards England; walked along from city to city; examined
mankind more nearly; and, if I may so express it, saw both sides of the
picture. My remarks, however, are but few; I found that monarchy was the
best government for the poor to live in, and commonwealths for the rich.
I found that riches in general were in every country another name for
freedom; and that no man is so fond of liberty himself as not to be
desirous of subjecting the will of some individuals in society to his
own.

[Illustration:

"_Walked along from city to city. _"—_p. _ 101.
]

"Upon my arrival in England, I resolved to pay my respects first to you,
and then to enlist as a volunteer in the first expedition that was going
forward; but on my journey down my resolutions were changed by meeting
an old acquaintance, who I found belonged to a company of comedians that
were going to make a summer campaign in the country. The company seemed
not much to disapprove of me for an associate. They all, however,
apprised me of the importance of the task at which I aimed; that the
public was a many-headed monster, and that only such as had very good
heads could please it; that acting was not to be learnt in a day; and
that without some traditional shrugs, which had been on the stage, and
only on the stage, these hundred years, I could never pretend to please.
The next difficulty was in fitting me with parts, as almost every
character was in keeping. I was driven for some time from one character
to another, till at last Horatio was fixed upon, which the presence of
the present company has happily hindered me from acting. "




_CHAPTER XXI. _

_The short continuance of friendship among the vicious,
which is coeval only with mutual satisfaction. _


My son's account was too long to be delivered at once; the first part of
it was begun that night, and he was concluding the rest after dinner the
next day, when the appearance of Mr. Thornhill's equipage at the door
seemed to make a pause in the general satisfaction. The butler, who was
now become my friend in the family, informed me in a whisper that the
squire had already made some overtures to Miss Wilmot, and that her aunt
and uncle seemed highly to approve the match. Upon Mr. Thornhill's
entering, he seemed, at seeing my son and me, to start back: but I
readily imputed that to surprise, and not displeasure. However, upon our
advancing to salute him, he returned our greeting with the most apparent
candour; and after a short time his presence served only to increase the
general good humour.

After tea, he called me aside to inquire after my daughter; but upon my
informing him that my inquiry was unsuccessful, he seemed greatly
surprised, adding that he had since been frequently at my house in order
to comfort the rest of my family, whom he left perfectly well. He then
asked if I had communicated her misfortune to Miss Wilmot or my son; and
upon my replying that I had not told them as yet, he greatly approved my
prudence and precaution, desiring me by all means to keep it a secret.
"For at best," cried he, "it is but divulging one's own infamy; and
perhaps Miss Livy may not be so guilty as we all imagine. " We were here
interrupted by a servant, who came to ask the squire in, to stand up at
country-dances, so that he left me quite pleased with the interest he
seemed to take in my concerns. His addresses, however, to Miss Wilmot,
were too obvious to be mistaken; and yet she seemed not perfectly
pleased, but bore them rather in compliance to the will of her aunt than
from real inclination. I had even the satisfaction to see her lavish
some kind looks upon my unfortunate son, which the other could neither
extort by his fortune nor assiduity. Mr. Thornhill's seeming composure,
however, not a little surprised me. We had now continued here a week, at
the pressing instances of Mr. Arnold; but each day, the more tenderness
Miss Wilmot showed my son, Mr. Thornhill's friendship seemed
proportionably to increase for him.

He had formerly made us the most kind assurances of using his interest
to serve the family; but now his generosity was not confined to promises
alone. The morning I designed for my departure Mr. Thornhill came to me
with looks of real pleasure, to inform me of a piece of service he had
done for his friend George. This was nothing less than his having
procured him an ensign's commission in one of the regiments that were
going to the West Indies, for which he had promised but one hundred
pounds, his interest having been sufficient to get an abatement of the
other two. "As for this trifling piece of service," continued the young
gentleman, "I desire no other reward but the pleasure of having served
my friend; and as for the hundred pounds to be paid, if you are unable
to raise it yourselves, I will advance it, and you shall repay me at
your leisure. " This was a favour we wanted words to express our sense
of; I readily, therefore, gave my bond for the money, and testified as
much gratitude as if I never intended to pay.

George was to depart for town the next day to secure his commission, in
pursuance of his generous patron's directions, who judged it highly
expedient to use despatch, lest in the meantime another should step in
with more advantageous proposals. The next morning, therefore, our young
soldier was early prepared for his departure, and seemed the only person
among us that was not affected by it. Neither the fatigues and dangers
he was going to encounter, nor the friends and mistress (for Miss Wilmot
actually loved him) he was leaving behind, any way damped his spirits.
After he had taken leave of the rest of the company, I gave him all that
I had—my blessing. "And now, my boy," cried I, "thou art going to fight
for thy country, remember how thy brave grandfather fought for his
sacred king, when loyalty among Britons was a virtue. Go, my boy, and
imitate him in all but his misfortunes—if it was a misfortune to die
with Lord Falkland. Go, my boy, and if you fall, though distant,
exposed, and unwept by those that love you, the most precious tears are
those with which Heaven bedews the unburied head of a soldier. "

The next morning I took leave of the good family that had been kind
enough to entertain me so long, not without several expressions of
gratitude to Mr. Thornhill for his late bounty. I left them in the
enjoyment of all that happiness which affluence and good breeding
procure, and returned towards home, despairing of ever finding my
daughter more, but sending a sigh to Heaven to spare and to forgive her.
I was now come within about twenty miles of home, having hired a horse
to carry me, as I was yet but weak, and comforted myself with the hopes
of soon seeing all I held dearest upon earth. But the night coming on, I
put up at a little public-house by the road-side, and asked for the
landlord's company over a pint of wine. We sat beside his kitchen fire,
which was the best room in the house, and chatted on politics and the
news of the country. We happened, among other topics, to talk of young
Squire Thornhill, who, the host assured me, was hated as much as his
uncle, Sir William, who sometimes came down to the country, was loved.
He went on to observe that he made it his whole study to betray the
daughters of such as received him to their houses, and after a fortnight
or three weeks' possession turned them out unrewarded and abandoned to
the world. As we continued our discourse in this manner, his wife, who
had been out to get change, returned, and perceiving that her husband
was enjoying a pleasure in which she was not a sharer, she asked him in
an angry tone what he did there, to which he only replied in an ironical
way by drinking her health. "Mr. Symonds," cried she, "you use me very
ill, and I'll bear it no longer. Here three parts of the business is
left for me to do, and the fourth left unfinished, while you do nothing
but soak with the guests all day long; whereas, if a spoonful of liquor
were to cure me of a fever, I never touch a drop. " I now found what she
would be at, and immediately poured her out a glass, which she received
with a courtesy, and drinking towards my good health.

[Illustration:

"_Out, I say; pack out this moment_! "—_p. _ 106.
]


"Sir," resumed she, "it is not so much for the value of the liquor I am
angry, but one cannot help it when the house is going out of the
windows. If the customers or guests are to be dunned, all the burden
lies upon my back: he'd as leave eat that glass as budge after them
himself. There, now, above stairs we have a young woman who has come to
take up her lodgings here, and I don't believe she has got any money, by
her over-civility. I am certain she is very slow of payment, and I wish
she were put in mind of it. " "What signifies minding her? " cried the
host; "if she be slow she's sure. " "I don't know that," replied the
wife, "but I know that I am sure she has been here a fortnight, and we
have not yet seen the cross of her money. " "I suppose, my dear," cried
he, "we shall have it all in a lump. " "In a lump! " cried the other, "I
hope we may get it any way; and that I am resolved we will this very
night, or out she tramps, bag and baggage. " "Consider, my dear," cried
the husband, "she is a gentlewoman, and deserves more respect. " "As for
the matter of that," returned the hostess, "gentle or simple, out she
shall pack with a sassarara. Gentry may be good things where they take;
but for my part, I never saw much good of them at the sign of the
Harrow. " Thus saying, she ran up a narrow flight of stairs that went
from the kitchen to a room overhead, and I soon perceived by the
loudness of her voice, and the bitterness of her reproaches, that no
money was to be had from her lodger. I could hear her remonstrances very
distinctly. "Out, I say; pack out this moment! tramp, thou infamous
strumpet, or I'll give thee a mark thou won't be the better for these
three months. What! you trumpery, to come and take up an honest house
without cross or coin to bless yourself with! Come along, I say. " "Oh,
dear madam," cried the stranger, "pity me, pity a poor abandoned
creature for one night, and death will soon do the rest. " I instantly
knew the voice of my poor ruined child Olivia. I flew to her rescue,
while the woman was dragging her along by the hair, and I caught the
dear forlorn wretch in my arms. "Welcome, any way welcome, my dearest
lost one, my treasure, to your poor old father's bosom! Though the
vicious forsake thee, there is yet one in the world that will never
forsake thee; though thou hadst ten thousand crimes to answer for, he
will forgive them all. " "Oh, my own dear"—for minutes she could say no
more—"my own dearest, good papa! Could angels be kinder? How do I
deserve so much? The villain, I hate him and myself, to be a reproach to
so much goodness. You can't forgive me—I know you cannot. " "Yes, my
child, from my heart I do forgive thee: only repent, and we both shall
yet be happy. We shall see many pleasant days yet, my Olivia. " "Ah!
never, sir, never! The rest of my wretched life must be infamy abroad,
and shame at home. But alas! papa, you look much paler than you used to
do. Could such a thing as I am give you so much uneasiness? surely you
have too much wisdom to take the miseries of my guilt upon yourself! "
"Our wisdom, young woman—" replied I. "Ah! why so cold a name, papa? "
cried she, "this is the first time you ever called me by so cold a
name. " "I ask pardon, my darling," returned I; "but I was going to
observe, that wisdom makes but a slow defence against trouble, though at
last a sure one. "

The landlady now returned to know if we did not choose a more genteel
apartment; to which assenting, we were shown to a room where we could
converse more freely. After we had talked ourselves into some
tranquillity, I could not avoid desiring some account of the gradations
that led to her present wretched situation. "That villain, sir," said
she, "from the first day of our meeting, made me honourable though
private proposals. "

"Villain, indeed! " cried I; "and yet it in some measure surprises me how
a person of Mr. Burchell's good sense and seeming honour could be guilty
of such deliberate baseness, and thus step into a family to undo it. "

"My dear papa," returned my daughter, "you labour under a strange
mistake. Mr. Burchell never attempted to deceive me. Instead of that, he
took every opportunity of privately admonishing me against the artifices
of Mr. Thornhill, who, I now find, was even worse than he represented
him. " "Mr. Thornhill! " interrupted I, "can it be? " "Yes, sir," returned
she, "it was Mr. Thornhill who seduced me; who employed the two ladies,
as he called them, but who in fact were abandoned women of the town
without breeding or pity, to decoy us up to London. Their artifices, you
may remember, would certainly have succeeded, but for Mr. Burchell's
letter, who directed those reproaches at them which we all applied to
ourselves. How he came to have so much influence as to defeat their
intentions, still remains a secret to me; but I am convinced he was ever
our warmest, sincerest friend. "

"You amaze me, my dear," cried I; "but now I find my first suspicions of
Mr. Thornhill's baseness were too well grounded: but he can triumph in
security; for he is rich and we are poor. But tell me, my child; sure it
was no small temptation that could thus obliterate all the impressions
of such an education and so virtuous a disposition as thine? "

"Indeed, sir," replied she, "he owes all his triumph to the desire I had
of making him, and not myself, happy. I knew that the ceremony of our
marriage, which was privately performed by a popish priest, was no way
binding, and that I had nothing to trust to but his honour. " "What! "
interrupted I, "and were you indeed married by a priest, and in orders? "
"Indeed, sir, we were," replied she, "though we were both sworn to
conceal his name. " "Why then, my child, come to my arms again; and now
you are a thousand times more welcome than before; for you are his wife
to all intents and purposes; nor can all the laws of man, though written
upon tables of adamant, lessen the force of that sacred connexion. "

"Alas! papa," replied she, "you are but little acquainted with his
villainies; he has been married already, by the same priest, to six or
eight wives more, whom, like me, he has deceived and abandoned. "

"Has he so? " cried I, "then we must hang the priest, and you shall
inform against him to-morrow.