No More Learning

KHELSTAKOV: Go down and ask for something to eat.

OSIP: No. The landlord will not let us have it. He says we are
swindlers, and he threatens to have you put in prison.

KHELSTAKOV: Go to the devil! Call the landlord. (OSIP _goes_. ) How
fearfully hungry I am. And I was cheated at cards and cleaned right out
at Penza by that infantry captain. What a miserable little town this
is. They give no credit at the provision shops.

[_Enter_ WAITER.

WAITER: The landlord asks what you want.

KHELSTAKOV: Please bring my dinner at once. I must be busy directly
I have dined.

The waiter replies that the landlord refuses to supply anything more,
and seems likely to complain to the governor. But presently dinner is
brought in. To Khlestakov's great consternation Osip announces that
the governor has come and is asking for him.

KHELSTAKOV: What? The landlord has reported me! I'll put on an
aristocratic air, and ask him how he dares----

Governor, entering in trepidation and saluting humbly, astonishes him
by profuse offers of hospitality and entertainment, though when at
first mention is made of taking him to other quarters, the guest in
horror ejaculates that he supposes the gaol is meant, and he asks what
right the governor has to hint at such a thing.

KHELSTAKOV (_indignantly_): How dare you? I--I--I am a government
official at St. Petersburg. I--I--I----

GOVERNOR (_aside_): Good heavens, what a rage he is in! He knows
everything. Those confounded merchants have told him all.

Banging the table, Khlestakov declares he will _not_ go to the
gaol, but will complain to the Minister of the Interior; and the
governor, trembling and terrified, pleads that he has a wife and
little children, and begs that he may not be ruined. The ridiculous
misunderstanding on both sides grows more confused every minute. The
governor pours forth the most abject apologies; declares that if the
people accuse him of oppression and extortion, and even of flogging
women, they are a slandering mob.

KHELSTAKOV: What have I to do with your enemies or the women you have
flogged? Don't attempt to flog me. Now, look here, I will pay this
landlord's account, but just now I have not the money. That is why I am
staying here.

GOVERNOR (_aside_): Sly rogue, trying to mystify me! (_Aloud_) If you
really are short of money, I am ready to serve you at once.

The visitor says that he will in that case borrow 200 roubles, and the
money is readily handed over; in fact, the governor quietly slips in
200 extra roubles. The governor, convinced that the inspector-general
is simply determined to keep up his _incognito_, resolves to act
accordingly, and to tell falsehoods appropriate for mutual deception.
He invites the guest to visit Various institutions, and a round is
made.


ACT III

SCENE. --_A room in the_ GOVERNOR'S _house_. GOVERNOR, KHELSTAKOV, _and
other functionaries_.

KHELSTAKOV: Fine establishments! In other towns they showed me
nothing.

GOVERNOR: In other towns I venture to say that the officials
think most about their own profit; here we only aim at winning the
approbation of the government.

KHELSTAKOV: That lunch was very good! The fish was delicious! Where
was it that we lunched? Was it not at the hospital? I saw the beds,
but there were not many patients. Have the sick recovered?

GOVERNOR: Yes. Since I became governor they all get well like flies,
not so much by doctoring as by honesty and regularity. Thank God,
everything goes satisfactorily here! Another governor would undoubtedly
look after his own advantage; but, believe me, when I lie down to
sleep, my prayer is, "O Thou my Lord, may the government perceive my
zeal and be satisfied. " So I have an easy conscience.

KHELSTAKOV: Are there any clubs here where a game at cards could be
had?

GOVERNOR: God forbid! Here such a thing as a card-club is never heard
of. I am disgusted at the sight of a card, and never dealt one in my
life. Once to amuse the children I built a house of cards, and had
accursed dreams all night.

LUKA (_aside_): But the villain cheated me yesterday out of a hundred
roubles!

Introduced to the governor's wife and daughter, Khlestakov addresses
them in the manner of a gallant from the metropolis, and chatters
boastfully of his influence, his position, and his connections.
His house is the first in St. Petersburg. Meantime, the various
functionaries meet in the house of the governor to concert measures
for propitiating this great courtier. They resolve to present him with
a substantial token of regard. With great trepidation they wait on him.

JUDGE (_entering very nervously_): I have the honour to present
myself. I have been judge here since 1816, and have been decorated
with the Vladimir of the Fourth Class.

KHELSTAKOV: What have you there in your hand?

JUDGE (_in bewilderment drops banknotes on the floor_): Nothing.

KHELSTAKOV: How nothing? I see some money has been dropped.

JUDGE (_trembling and aside_): O heaven, I am already before the
tribunal, and they have brought the cart to take me into exile.

Khlestakov picks up the notes, and asks that the money may be lent
him, as he has spent all his cash on the journey. He promises to
return it as soon as he reaches home, but the judge protests that the
honour of lending it is enough, and he begs that there shall be no
injunction against him.

Next to present himself is the postmaster, in full uniform, sword in
hand. After a little conversation with this functionary, Khlestakov
thinks he may just as well borrow of him also, and he forthwith
mentions that a singular thing has happened to him, for he has lost
all his money on the way, and would be glad to be obliged with the
loan of three hundred roubles. It is instantly counted out with
alacrity, and the postmaster hastily retires. Also, in a very nervous
state, Luka, the School Director, the Charity Commissioner, Bobchinski
and Dobchinski, come to pay their homage, and Khlestakov borrows
easily from each in turn.

KHELSTAKOV _(alone):_ There are many officials here; it seems to me,
however, that they take me for a government functionary. What fools! I
must write about it all to Tryapitchkin at Petersburg; he will write
sketches of it in the papers. Here, Osip, bring me paper and ink! I
will just see how much money I have got. Oh, more than a thousand!

While he is writing a letter Osip interrupts him with earnest
assurances that it will be prudent to depart speedily from the town;
for people have been mistaking him for somebody else, and awkward
complications may ensue. It is really time to go. There are splendid
horses here, and these can be secured for the journey. Khlestakov
consents, tells Osip to take the letter to the post, and to obtain
good posthorses. Suddenly some merchants present themselves with
petitions, bringing with them gifts of sugar-loaves and wine. They
pour forth bitter complaints against the governor. They accuse him
of constant and outrageous extortion. They beg Khlestakov to secure
his deposition from office. When they offer the sugar-loaves and the
wine, Khlestakov protests that he cannot accept bribes, but if they
would offer him a loan of three hundred roubles that would be another
matter. They do so and go out.

[_Enter_ MARYA _nervously_.

MARYA: Ach!

KHELSTAKOV: Why are you so frightened?

MARYA: No; I am not frightened. I thought mamma might be here. I am
disturbing you in your important business.

KHELSTAKOV: But your eyes are more attractive than important
business.

MARYA: You are talking in St. Petersburg style.

KHELSTAKOV: May I venture to be so happy as to offer you a chair?
But no; you should be offered a throne, not a chair! I offer you my
love, which ever since your first glance----

MARYA: Love! I do not understand love!

He kisses her on the shoulder, and, when she rises angrily to go,
falls on his knees. At that moment her mother enters. With a show of
indignation she orders Marya away.

KHELSTAKOV (_kneeling at her feet_): Madame, you see I burn with
love.

ANNA ANDREYEVNA: But permit me, I do not quite comprehend you. If I
am not mistaken, you were making a proposal to my daughter?

KHELSTAKOV: No; I am in love with you.

ANNA ANDREYEVNA: But I am married!

KHELSTAKOV: That is nothing. Let us flee under the canopy of heaven.
I crave your hand!

Marya enters, and seeing Khlestakov on his knees, shrieks. The mother
scolds her for her bad manners, and declares that he was, after
all, asking for the daughter's hand. Then enters the governor. He
breathlessly begins to bewail the base, lying conduct of the merchants
who have been slandering him, and swears he is innocent of oppressing
anybody.

To his profound amazement, Anna informs her husband that the great man
has honoured them by asking for their daughter's hand. On recovering
from his amazement, he sees the couple kissing, and gives them his
blessing. Osip enters at this juncture to say the horses are ready,
and Khlestakov informs the governor that he is only off to visit for a
day a rich uncle. He will quickly return. He presently rides off after
affectionate farewell expressions on both sides.


ACT IV

SCENE. --_As before. The_ GOVERNOR, ANNA ANDREYEVNA, _and_ MARYA. _A
police-officer enters_.

GOVERNOR (_addressing the policeman_): Ivan Karpovitch, summon the
merchants here, brother. Complaining of me, indeed! Cursed lot of Jews!
Little turtle doves! Ascertain who brought petitions; and take care to
let them know how heaven has honoured the governor. His daughter is
going to marry a man without an equal in the world; who can achieve
everything, everything, everything. Let everybody know! Shout it out to
everybody! Ring the bells! Devil take it; now that at length I triumph,
triumph I will!

The police-officer retires. The governor and Anna indulge in roseate
prospects of their coming prosperity. Of course they will not stay
in these mean surroundings, but will remove to St. Petersburg.
Suddenly the merchants enter. The governor receives them with the
utmost indignation, assails them with a shower of vituperation. They
abjectly entreat pardon. They promise to make amends by sending very
handsome presents, and they are enjoined not to forget to do so. The
wedding gifts are to be worthy of the occasion. The merchants retire
crestfallen, and callers stream in with profuse congratulations. Anna,
with studied haughtiness, makes them fully understand that the family
will now be far above them all. All the people secretly express to
each other their hatred and contempt for the governor and his family.

POSTMASTER (_breathlessly entering with an open letter in his hand_):
An astonishing fact, gentlemen! The official which we took for an
inspector-general is not one! I have discovered this from a letter
which he wrote and which I saw was addressed "Post Office Street. "
So, as I said to myself that he had been reporting to the authorities
something he had found wrong in the postal department, I felt a
supernatural impulse constraining me to open the letter.

GOVERNOR: You dared to open the letter of so powerful a personage?

POSTMASTER: That is just the joke; that he is neither powerful nor
a personage. I will read the letter. (_Reads_) "I hasten to inform
you, my dear Tryapitchkin, of my experiences. I was cleared out of
everything on the way by an infantry captain, so that an innkeeper
wanted to put me in prison; when, owing to my Petersburg appearance
and dress, the whole town suddenly took me for the governor-general.
So now I am living with the governor, enjoy myself, and flirt with his
wife and daughter. These people all lend me as much money as ever I
please. The governor is as stupid as a grey gelding. The postmaster is
a tippler. The charity commissioner is a pig in a skull-cap. "

GOVERNOR: I am crushed--crushed--completely crushed. Catch him!

POSTMASTER: How can we catch him? I, as if purposely, specially
ordered for him the very best post-carriage and three horses.

GOVERNOR: What an old fool I am! I have been thirty years in the
service; not a tradesman nor contractor could cheat me; rogues upon
rogues have I outwitted; three governors-general have I deceived!

ANNA ANDREYEVNA: But this cannot be, Antosha. He is engaged to
Mashenka.

GOVERNOR (_enraged_): Engaged! Rubbish! Look, look; all the world,
all Christendom, all of you look how the governor is fooled! Fool,
fool; old driveller that I am! (_Shakes his fist at himself_) Ah, you
fat-nose! Taking a rag for a man of rank! And now he is jingling his
bells along the road. Who first said he was an inspector-general?
Answer!

[_All point to_ BOBCHINSKI _and_ DOBCHINSKI, _who fall to
accusing each other. A gendarme enters_.

GENDARME: The inspector-general sent by imperial command has
arrived, and requires you to attend him immediately. He awaits you at
the inn.

[_Thunderstruck at this announcement, the whole group
remained as if petrified, and the curtain falls_.


FOOTNOTES:

[C] Nicolai Vasilieyitch Gogol is famous not only as the
prince of Russian humorists, but as the real founder of both the
modern drama and the novel in Russian literature. He was born on
March 31, 1809, in the province of Poltava, in South, or "Little,"
Russia, and died at Moscow on March 3, 1852. His life was replete
with romantic episodes. After a short career on the stage, in St.
Petersburg, followed by the tenure of a minor Government office, he
returned to the South, and at once found his true vocation and achieved
a wide popularity by a collection of stories and sketches of Cossack
life, entitled "Evenings at a Farm House," which appeared in 1830.
Other "Cossack Tales" rapidly followed, including the famous "Taras
Bulba"; in recognition of which, and of his project for writing a
history of Russia in the Middle Ages, he was rewarded with a chair of
history at St. Petersburg. This he held but for a short time, however.
Turning his attention to comedy, Gogol now produced the drama "The
Inspector-General" ("Revizor") in 1836, the play achieving a tremendous
success on the stage in the spring of the same year, whilst in 1842 his
novel entitled "Dead Souls" embodied the fruits of the same idea in
fiction. The play is intended to bring a scathing indictment against
the corruptions and abuses of officialism and administration. The
following epitome has been prepared from the original Russian.




OLIVER GOLDSMITH[D]




She Stoops to Conquer


_Persons in the Play_

MR. HARDCASTLE MARLOW

TONY LUMPKIN KATE HARDCASTLE

HASTINGS SIR CHARLES MARLOW

MRS. HARDCASTLE CONSTANCE NEVILLE

SERVANTS


ACT I

SCENE I. --MR. HARDCASTLE'S _house_. MR. _and_ MRS. HARDCASTLE.

MRS. HARDCASTLE: I vow, Mr. Hardcastle, I hate such old-fashioned
trumpery.

HARDCASTLE: And I love it; old friends, old times, old manners, old
books, old wine, and I believe you'll own I've been pretty fond of an
old wife.

MRS. HARDCASTLE: Oh, you're for ever at your old wife. I'm not so old
as you'd make me. I was twenty when my son Tony was born, and he's not
come to years of discretion yet.

HARDCASTLE: Nor ever will, I dare answer; you've taught him finely.
Alehouse and stable are his only schools.

MRS. HARDCASTLE: Poor boy, anyone can see he's consumptive.
[TONY _is heard hallooing_.

HARDCASTLE: Oh, very consumptive!

[TONY _crosses, and_ MRS. HARDCASTLE _follows him out. Enter_
KATE HARDCASTLE.

HARDCASTLE: Blessings on my pretty innocence! What a quantity of
superfluous silk hast thou got about thee, girl!

KATE: But in the evening I am to wear my housewife's dress to please
you; you know our agreement, sir.

HARDCASTLE: By the bye, I shall have to try your obedience this very
evening. In fact, Kate, I expect the young gentleman I have chosen
to be your husband, this very day; and my old friend his father, Sir
Charles Marlow, soon after him. I shall not control your choice, but I
am told that he is of an excellent understanding.

KATE: Is he?

HARDCASTLE: Very generous.

KATE: I believe I shall like him.

HARDCASTLE: Young and brave.

KATE: I'm sure I shall like him.

HARDCASTLE: And very handsome.

KATE: Say no more; he's mine.

HARDCASTLE: And, to crown all, he's one of the most reserved and
bashful young fellows in the world.

KATE: That word has undone all the rest, still I think I'll have him.
(_Exit_ HARDCASTLE. ) Reserved and sheepish. Can't he be cured? (_Enter_
MISS NEVILLE. ) I'm glad you came, my dear. I am threatened with a
lover, the son of Sir Charles Marlow.

MISS NEVILLE: The most intimate friend of Mr. Hastings, my admirer;
and such a character. Among ladies of reputation the modestest man
alive, but with others----

MISS HARDCASTLE: And has my mother been courting you for my brother
Tony, as usual? I could almost love him for hating you so.

MISS NEVILLE: It is a good-natured creature at bottom, and I'm sure
would wish to see me married to anyone but himself. [_Exeunt_.


SCENE II. --_An alehouse_. TONY LUMPKIN _carousing with the village
riff-raff_. MARLOW _and_ HASTINGS _arrive, and inquire the
way to_ MR. HARDCASTLE'S _house_. TONY _tells them they
cannot possibly reach the house that night, but directs them
to it as an inn_.

TONY: The old Buck's Head on the hill, one of the best inns in the
whole county. But the landlord is rich and just going to leave off
business; so he wants to be thought a gentleman, and will be for giving
you his company. Ecod, he'll persuade you that his mother was an
alderman, and his aunt a justice of the peace. I'll just step myself,
and show you a piece of the way.
[_Exeunt. _


ACT II

SCENE. --_The hall of_ HARDCASTLE'S _house_. MARLOW _and_ HASTINGS
_have just arrived at the supposed inn, and the supposed
innkeeper is paying hospitable attention to their belongings.
Enter_ MARLOW _and_ HASTINGS.

HASTINGS: Upon my word, a very well-looking house; antique, but
creditable.

MARLOW: The usual fate of a large mansion. Having just ruined the
master by good housekeeping, it at last comes to levy contributions as
an inn.

HASTINGS: Good and bad, you have lived pretty much among them; and
yet, with all your experience you have never acquired any show of
assurance. How shall you behave to the lady you have come down to visit?

MARLOW: As I behave to all other ladies. A barmaid, or a milliner--but
to me a modest woman dressed out in her finery is the most tremendous
object in creation. An impudent fellow may counterfeit modesty, but
I'll be hanged if a modest man can counterfeit impudence. I shall bow
very low, answer yes and no, and I don't think I shall venture to look
her in the face. The fact is, I have really come down to forward your
affair, not mine. Miss Neville loves you, the family don't know you, as
my friend you are sure of a reception, and----Here comes mine host to
interrupt us.

[_Enter_ HARDCASTLE.

HARDCASTLE: Heartily welcome once more, gentlemen; which is Mr.
Marlow? Sir, you are heartily welcome.

MARLOW: He has got our names from the servants already.

[MARLOW _and_ HASTINGS _converse together, ostentatiously
ignoring_ HARDCASTLE'S _attempts to join in
with a story of Marlborough at the siege of Denain_.

MARLOW: My good friend, a glass of that punch would help us to carry
on the siege.

HARDCASTLE: Punch sir! (_Aside_) This is the most unaccountable kind
of modesty I ever met with. Well, here, Mr. Marlow, here's to our better
acquaintance.

MARLOW: A very impudent fellow, but a character; I'll humour him.
Sir, my service to you. (_They drink_. ) Well, now, what have you in the
house for supper?

HARDCASTLE: For supper! (_Aside_) Was ever such a request to a man in
his own house!

MARLOW: Yes, sir; supper. I begin to feel an appetite.

HARDCASTLE: Sure, such a brazen dog----Sir, I believe the bill of fare
is drawn out; you shall see it. (_The menu is produced and discussed in
scathing terms. Then_ MARLOW _insists on seeing himself that the beds
are properly aired_. ) Well, sir, I will attend you. This may be modern
modesty, but I never saw anything so like old-fashioned impudence.

[_Exeunt_ HARDCASTLE _and_ MARLOW.

HASTINGS: This fellow's civilities begin to grow troublesome.
(_Enter_ MISS NEVILLE. ) Miss Neville, by all that's happy!

MISS NEVILLE: My dear Hastings!

HASTINGS: But how could I have hoped to meet my dearest Constance
at an inn?

MISS NEVILLE: An inn! You mistake. My aunt, my guardian, lives here.
How could you think this house an inn?

HASTINGS: My friend, Mr. Marlow, and I were directed hither by a
young fellow----

MISS NEVILLE: One of my hopeful cousin's tricks.

HASTINGS: We must keep up the deception with Marlow; else he will
fly.

Hastings has planned to elope with Miss Neville; she wishes first to
get into her own hands her jewelry, which is in Mrs. Hardcastle's
possession. As they complete their plot Marlow enters.

HASTINGS: My dear Marlow, the most fortunate event! Let me present
Miss Constance Neville. She and Miss Hardcastle have just alighted to
take fresh horses. Miss Hardcastle will be here directly. Isn't it
fortunate?

MARLOW: Oh, yes; very fortunate, a most joyful encounter; but
our dresses, George! To-morrow will be every bit as convenient. Let it
be to-morrow.

HASTINGS: Pshaw, man! Courage, courage! It is but the first plunge.

[_Enter_ KATE _as from a walk_. HASTINGS _introduces them_.

KATE (_after a pause_): I am glad of your safe arrival, sir. I am
told you had some accidents by the way.

MARLOW: A few, madam. Yes, we had some. Yes, a good many. But should
be sorry, madam--I mean glad--of any accidents that are so agreeably
concluded. George, sure you won't go?

HASTINGS: You don't consider, man, that we are to manage a little
_tete-a-tete_ of our own.

[_Exeunt_ HASTINGS _and_ MISS NEVILLE.

MARLOW: I am afraid, madam, I--hem--grow tiresome.

KATE: Not at all, sir; there is nothing I like so much as grave
consideration. You were going to observe----

MARLOW: I was about to observe, madam--I was--I protest, I forgot----

KATE: Something about hypocrisy--this age of hypocrisy.

MARLOW: Ah, yes. In this age of hypocrisy there are few who--a--a----
But I see Miss Neville expects us; shall I----

KATE: I'll follow you. If I could teach him a little confidence!
[_Exeunt_.

Mrs. Hardcastle, Miss Neville, Hastings and Tony enter. In pursuance
of their plot, Constance engages Tony in a determined flirtation, to
his extreme disgust, while Hastings wins the heart of Mrs. Hardcastle
by extravagant flatteries. On the pretext of bringing the "dear,
sweet, pretty, provoking, undutiful boy" to a better mind, Hastings
gets rid of the ladies, and then offers to take Miss Neville off
Tony's hands. Tony joyfully engages to help the elopement, and procure
Miss Neville's jewels.


ACT III

SCENE. --_As before. Enter_ TONY _with a casket_.

TONY: Ecod, I've got 'em. Cousin Con's necklaces, bobs and all. My
mother shan't cheat the poor souls out of their fortin. Here's (_enter_
HASTINGS) your sweetheart's jewels. If I hadn't a key to every drawer
in my mother's bureau---- Never you mind me. Zounds, here she comes.
Keep 'em. Morrice! Prance!

[_Exit_ HASTINGS. _Enter_ MISS NEVILLE, _and_ MRS. HARDCASTLE,
_who refuses to let her ward have her jewels_.

MRS. HARDCASTLE: They are missing, I assure you. My son knows they
are missing, and not to be found.

TONY: I can bear witness to that. I'll take my oath on't.

MRS. HARDCASTLE: In the meantime you can use my garnets. [_Exit. _

MISS NEVILLE: I detest garnets.

TONY: Don't be a fool! If she gives 'em you, take what you can get.
I've stolen your jewels out of the bureau. She's found it out, ecod,
by the noise. Fly to your spark, and he'll tell you all about it.
Vanish!
[_Exit_ MISS NEVILLE.

Kate has reported Marlow's bashfulness to Hardcastle, who has told
another tale. She has since learnt Marlow's blunder, and that he has
taken her in her "housewife's dress" for the barmaid. She has resolved
to test him in this character. She enters at the same time as Marlow,
who is studying his notebook.

KATE: Did you call, sir?

MARLOW (_not looking up_): No, child.

KATE: Perhaps it was the other gentleman?

MARLOW: No, no, child, I tell you! (_Looking up_. ) That is--yes, I
think I did call. I vow, child, you're vastly handsome.

KATE: Oh, la, sir, you'll make me ashamed!

MARLOW: Suppose I should call for a taste of the nectar of your lips?

KATE: Nectar?