No More Learning

--You couldn't be my
second, could you, Jack?

ABSOLUTE
Why no, Bob--not in this affair--it would not be quite so proper.

ACRES
Well, then, I must get my friend Sir Lucius. I shall have your good
wishes, however, Jack?

ABSOLUTE
Whenever he meets you, believe me.

[Re-enter SERVANT. ]

SERVANT
Sir Anthony Absolute is below, inquiring for the captain.

ABSOLUTE
I'll come instantly. ----

[Exit SERVANT. ]

Well, my little hero, success attend you. [Going. ]

ACRES
----Stay--stay, Jack. --If Beverley should ask you what kind of a man
your friend Acres is, do tell him I am a devil of a fellow--will you,
Jack?

ABSOLUTE
To be sure I shall. I'll say you are a determined dog--hey, Bob!

ACRES
Ah, do, do--and if that frightens him, egad, perhaps he mayn't come. So
tell him I generally kill a man a week; will you, Jack?

ABSOLUTE
I will, I will; I'll say you are called in the country Fighting Bob.

ACRES
Right--right--'tis all to prevent mischief; for I don't want to take
his life if I clear my honour.

ABSOLUTE
No! --that's very kind of you.

ACRES
Why, you don't wish me to kill him--do you, Jack?

ABSOLUTE
No, upon my soul, I do not. But a devil of a fellow, hey? [Going. ]

ACRES
True, true--but stay--stay, Jack--you may add, that you never saw me in
such a rage before--a most devouring rage!

ABSOLUTE
I will, I will.

ACRES
Remember, Jack--a determined dog!

ABSOLUTE
Ay, ay, Fighting Bob!

[Exeunt severally. ]

* * * * * * *


Scene II--Mrs. MALAPROP's Lodgings.
[Mrs. MALAPROP and LYDIA. ]

Mrs. MALAPROP
Why, thou perverse one! --tell me what you can object to him? Isn't he a
handsome man? --tell me that. A genteel man? a pretty figure of a man?

LYDIA
[Aside. ] She little thinks whom she is praising! --[Aloud. ] So is
Beverley, ma'am.

Mrs. MALAPROP
No caparisons, miss, if you please. Caparisons don't become a young
woman. No! Captain Absolute is indeed a fine gentleman!

LYDIA
[Aside. ] Ay, the Captain Absolute you have seen.

Mrs. MALAPROP
Then he's so well bred;--so full of alacrity, and adulation! --and has
so much to say for himself:--in such good language, too! His
physiognomy so grammatical! Then his presence is so noble! I protest,
when I saw him, I thought of what Hamlet says in the play:--
"Hesperian curls--the front of Job himself! --
An eye, like March, to threaten at command! --
A station, like Harry Mercury, new----"
Something about kissing--on a hill--however, the similitude struck me
directly.

LYDIA
[Aside. ] How enraged she'll be presently, when she discovers her
mistake!

[Enter SERVANT. ]

SERVANT
Sir Anthony and Captain Absolute are below, ma'am.

Mrs. MALAPROP
Show them up here. ----

[Exit SERVANT. ]

Now, Lydia, I insist on your behaving as becomes a young woman. Show
your good breeding, at least, though you have forgot your duty.

LYDIA
Madam, I have told you my resolution! --I shall not only give him no
encouragement, but I won't even speak to, or look at him. [Flings
herself into a chair, with her face from the door. ]

[Enter Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE and CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE. ]

Sir ANTHONY
Here we are, Mrs. Malaprop; come to mitigate the frowns of unrelenting
beauty,--and difficulty enough I had to bring this fellow. --I don't
know what's the matter; but if I had not held him by force, he'd have
given me the slip.

Mrs. MALAPROP
You have infinite trouble, Sir Anthony, in the affair. I am ashamed for
the cause! --[Aside to LYDIA. ] Lydia, Lydia, rise, I beseech you! --pay
your respects!

Sir ANTHONY
I hope, madam, that Miss Languish has reflected on the worth of this
gentleman, and the regard due to her aunt's choice, and my
alliance. --[Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE. ] Now, Jack, speak to her.

ABSOLUTE
[Aside. ] What the devil shall I do! --[Aside to Sir ANTHONY. ] You see,
sir, she won't even look at me whilst you are here. I knew she
wouldn't! I told you so. Let me entreat you, sir, to leave us together!
[Seems to expostulate with his father. ]

LYDIA
[Aside. ] I wonder I ha'n't heard my aunt exclaim yet! sure she can't
have looked at him! --perhaps the regimentals are alike, and she is
something blind.

Sir ANTHONY
I say, sir, I won't stir a foot yet!

Mrs. MALAPROP
I am sorry to say, Sir Anthony, that my affluence over my niece is very
small. --[Aside to LYDIA. ] Turn round, Lydia: I blush for you!

Sir ANTHONY
May I not flatter myself, that Miss Languish will assign what cause of
dislike she can have to my son! --[Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE. ] Why don't
you begin, Jack? --Speak, you puppy--speak!

Mrs. MALAPROP
It is impossible, Sir Anthony, she can have any. She will not say she
has. --[Aside to LYDIA. ] Answer, hussy! why don't you answer?

Sir ANTHONY
Then, madam, I trust that a childish and hasty predilection will be no
bar to Jack's happiness. --[Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE. ] Zounds! sirrah!
why don't you speak?

LYDIA
[Aside. ] I think my lover seems as little inclined to conversation as
myself. --How strangely blind my aunt must be!

ABSOLUTE
Hem! hem! madam--hem! --[Attempts to speak, then returns to Sir
ANTHONY. ] Faith! sir, I am so confounded! --and--so--so--confused! --I
told you I should be so, sir--I knew it. --The--the--tremor of my
passion entirely takes away my presence of mind.

Sir ANTHONY
But it don't take away your voice, fool, does it? --Go up, and speak to
her directly!

[CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE makes signs to Mrs. MALAPROP to leave them together. ]

Mrs. MALAPROP
Sir Anthony, shall we leave them together? --[Aside to LYDIA. ] Ah! you
stubborn little vixen!

Sir ANTHONY
Not yet, ma'am, not yet! --[Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE. ] What the devil
are you at? unlock your jaws, sirrah, or----

ABSOLUTE
[Aside. ] Now Heaven send she may be too sullen to look round! --I must
disguise my voice. --[Draws near LYDIA, and speaks in a low hoarse
tone. ] Will not Miss Languish lend an ear to the mild accents of true
love? Will not----

Sir ANTHONY
What the devil ails the fellow? why don't you speak out? --not stand
croaking like a frog in a quinsy!

ABSOLUTE
The--the--excess of my awe, and my--my--my modesty, quite choke me!

Sir ANTHONY
Ah! your modesty again! --I'll tell you what, Jack; if you don't speak
out directly, and glibly too, I shall be in such a rage! --Mrs.
Malaprop, I wish the lady would favour us with something more than a
side-front.

[Mrs. MALAPROP seems to chide LYDIA. ]

ABSOLUTE
[Aside. ] So all will out, I see! --[Goes up to LYDIA, speaks softly. ] Be
not surprised, my Lydia, suppress all surprise at present.

LYDIA
[Aside. ] Heavens! 'tis Beverley's voice! Sure he can't have imposed on
Sir Anthony too! --[Looks round by degrees, then starts up. ] Is this
possible! --my Beverley! --how can this be? --my Beverley?

ABSOLUTE
[Aside. ] Ah! 'tis all over.

Sir ANTHONY
Beverley! --the devil--Beverley! --What can the girl mean? --this is my
son, Jack Absolute.

Mrs. MALAPROP
For shame, hussy! for shame! your head runs so on that fellow, that you
have him always in your eyes! --beg Captain Absolute's pardon directly.

LYDIA
I see no Captain Absolute, but my loved Beverley!

Sir ANTHONY
Zounds! the girl's mad! --her brain's turned by reading.

Mrs. MALAPROP
O' my conscience, I believe so! --What do you mean by Beverley,
hussy? --You saw Captain Absolute before to-day; there he is--your
husband that shall be.

LYDIA
With all my soul, ma'am--when I refuse my Beverley----

Sir ANTHONY
Oh! she's as mad as Bedlam! --or has this fellow been playing us a
rogue's trick! --Come here, sirrah, who the devil are you?

ABSOLUTE
Faith, sir, I am not quite clear myself; but I'll endeavour to
recollect.

Sir ANTHONY
Are you my son or not? --answer for your mother, you dog, if you won't
for me.

Mrs. MALAPROP
Ay, sir, who are you? O mercy!
I begin to suspect! ----

ABSOLUTE
[Aside. ] Ye powers of impudence, befriend me! --[Aloud. ] Sir Anthony,
most assuredly I am your wife's son: and that I sincerely believe
myself to be yours also, I hope my duty has always shown. --Mrs.
Malaprop, I am your most respectful admirer, and shall be proud to add
affectionate nephew. --I need not tell my Lydia, that she sees her
faithful Beverley, who, knowing the singular generosity of her temper,
assumed that name and station, which has proved a test of the most
disinterested love, which he now hopes to enjoy in a more elevated
character.

LYDIA
[Sullenly. ] So! --there will be no elopement after all!

Sir ANTHONY
Upon my soul, Jack, thou art a very impudent fellow! to do you justice,
I think I never saw a piece of more consummate assurance!

ABSOLUTE
Oh, you flatter me, sir--you compliment--'tis my modesty, you know,
sir,--my modesty that has stood in my way.

Sir ANTHONY
Well, I am glad you are not the dull, insensible varlet you pretended
to be, however! --I'm glad you have made a fool of your father, you
dog--I am. So this was your _penitence_, your _duty_ and
_obedience! _--I thought it was damned sudden! --_You never heard their
names before_, not you! --_what, the Languishes of Worcestershire_,
hey? --_if you could please me in the affair it was all you
desired! _--Ah! you dissembling villain! --What! --[Pointing to Lydia]
_She squints, don't she? --a little red-haired girl! _--hey? --Why, you
hypocritical young rascal! --I wonder you ain't ashamed to hold up your
head!

ABSOLUTE
'Tis with difficulty, sir. --I am confused--very much confused, as you
must perceive.

Mrs. MALAPROP
O Lud! Sir Anthony! --a new light breaks in upon me! --hey! --how! what!
captain, did you write the letters then? --What--am I to thank you for
the elegant compilation of _an old weather-beaten she-dragon_--hey! --O
mercy! --was it you that reflected on my parts of speech?

ABSOLUTE
Dear sir! my modesty will be overpowered at last, if you don't assist
me--I shall certainly not be able to stand it!

Sir ANTHONY
Come, come, Mrs. Malaprop, we must forget and forgive;--odds life!
matters have taken so clever a turn all of a sudden, that I could find
in my heart to be so good-humoured! and so gallant! hey! Mrs. Malaprop!

Mrs. MALAPROP
Well, Sir Anthony, since you desire it, we will not anticipate the
past! --so mind, young people--our retrospection will be all to the
future.

Sir ANTHONY
Come, we must leave them together; Mrs. Malaprop, they long to fly into
each other's arms, I warrant! --Jack--isn't the cheek as I said, hey? --
and the eye, you rogue! --and the lip--hey? Come, Mrs. Malaprop, we'll
not disturb their tenderness--theirs is the time of life for
happiness! --_Youth's the season made for joy_--[Sings. ]--hey! --Odds
life! I'm in such spirits,--I don't know what I could not do! --Permit
me, ma'am--[Gives his hand to Mrs. MALAPROP. ] Tol-de-rol--'gad, I
should like to have a little fooling myself--Tol-de-rol! de-rol.

[Exit, singing and handing Mrs. MALAPROP. --LYDIA sits sullenly in her
chair. ]

ABSOLUTE
[Aside. ] So much thought bodes me no good. --[Aloud. ] So grave, Lydia!

LYDIA
Sir!

ABSOLUTE
[Aside. ] So! --egad! I thought as much! --that damned monosyllable has
froze me! --[Aloud. ] What, Lydia, now that we are as happy in our
friends' consent, as in our mutual vows----

LYDIA
[Peevishly. ] Friends' consent indeed!

ABSOLUTE
Come, come, we must lay aside some of our romance--a little wealth and
comfort may be endured after all. And for your fortune, the lawyers
shall make such settlements as----

LYDIA
Lawyers! I hate lawyers!

ABSOLUTE
Nay, then, we will not wait for their lingering forms, but instantly
procure the licence, and----

LYDIA
The licence! --I hate licence!

ABSOLUTE
Oh my love! be not so unkind! --thus let me entreat---- [Kneeling. ]

LYDIA
Psha! --what signifies kneeling, when you know I must have you?

ABSOLUTE
[Rising. ] Nay, madam, there shall be no constraint upon your
inclinations, I promise you. --If I have lost your heart--I resign the
rest--[Aside. ] 'Gad, I must try what a little spirit will do.

LYDIA
[Rising. ] Then, sir, let me tell you, the interest you had there was
acquired by a mean, unmanly imposition, and deserves the punishment of
fraud. --What, you have been treating me like a child! --humouring my
romance! and laughing, I suppose, at your success!

ABSOLUTE
You wrong me, Lydia, you wrong me--only hear----

LYDIA
So, while I fondly imagined we were deceiving my relations, and
flattered myself that I should outwit and incense them all--behold my
hopes are to be crushed at once, by my aunt's consent and
approbation--and I am myself the only dupe at last! --[Walking about in
a heat. ] But here, sir, here is the picture--Beverley's picture!
[taking a miniature from her bosom] which I have worn, night and day,
in spite of threats and entreaties! --There, sir [Flings it to him. ];
and be assured I throw the original from my heart as easily.

ABSOLUTE
Nay, nay, ma'am, we will not differ as to that. --Here [taking out a
picture], here is Miss Lydia Languish. --What a difference! --ay, there
is the heavenly assenting smile that first gave soul and spirit to my
hopes! --those are the lips which sealed a vow, as yet scarce dry in
Cupid's calendar! and there the half-resentful blush, that would have
checked the ardour of my thanks! --Well, all that's past! --all over
indeed! --There, madam--in beauty, that copy is not equal to you, but in
my mind its merit over the original, in being still the same, is
such--that--I cannot find in my heart to part with it. [Puts it up
again. ]

LYDIA
[Softening. ] 'Tis your own doing, sir--I, I, I suppose you are
perfectly satisfied.

ABSOLUTE
O, most certainly--sure, now, this is much better than being in
love! --ha! ha! ha! --there's some spirit in this! --What signifies
breaking some scores of solemn promises:--all that's of no consequence,
you know. To be sure people will say, that miss don't know her own
mind--but never mind that! Or, perhaps, they may be ill-natured enough
to hint, that the gentleman grew tired of the lady and forsook her--but
don't let that fret you.

LYDIA
There is no bearing his insolence. [Bursts into tears. ]

[Re-enter Mrs. MALAPROP and Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE. ]

Mrs. MALAPROP
Come, we must interrupt your billing and cooing awhile.

LYDIA
This is worse than your treachery and deceit, you base ingrate!
[Sobbing. ]

Sir ANTHONY
What the devil's the matter now? --Zounds! Mrs. Malaprop, this is the
oddest billing and cooing I ever heard! --but what the deuce is the
meaning of it? --I am quite astonished!

ABSOLUTE
Ask the lady, sir.

Mrs. MALAPROP
O mercy! --I'm quite analyzed, for my part! --Why, Lydia, what is the
reason of this?

LYDIA
Ask the gentleman, ma'am.

Sir ANTHONY
Zounds! I shall be in a frenzy! --Why, Jack, you are not come out to be
any one else, are you?

Mrs. MALAPROP
Ay, sir, there's no more trick, is there? --you are not like Cerberus,
three gentlemen at once, are you?

ABSOLUTE
You'll not let me speak--I say the lady can account for this much much
better than I can.

LYDIA
Ma'am, you once commanded me never to think of Beverley again--there is
the man--I now obey you: for, from this moment, I renounce him for
ever. [Exit. ]

Mrs. MALAPROP
O mercy! and miracles! what a turn here is--why, sure, captain, you
haven't behaved disrespectfully to my niece.

Sir ANTHONY
Ha! ha! ha! --ha! ha! ha! --now I see it. Ha! ha! ha! --now I see it--you
have been too lively, Jack.

ABSOLUTE
Nay, sir, upon my word----

Sir ANTHONY
Come, no lying, Jack--I'm sure 'twas so.

Mrs. MALAPROP
O Lud! Sir Anthony! --O fy, captain!

ABSOLUTE
Upon my soul, ma'am----

Sir ANTHONY
Come, no excuses, Jack; why, your father, you rogue, was so before
you:--the blood of the Absolutes was always impatient. --Ha! ha! ha!
poor little Lydia! why, you've frightened her, you dog, you have.

ABSOLUTE
By all that's good, sir----

Sir ANTHONY
Zounds! say no more, I tell you--Mrs. Malaprop shall make your peace.
You must make his peace, Mrs. Malaprop:--you must tell her 'tis Jack's
way--tell her 'tis all our ways--it runs in the blood of our family!
Come away, Jack--Ha! ha! ha! --Mrs. Malaprop--a young villain! [Pushing
him out. ]

Mrs. MALAPROP
O! Sir Anthony! --O fy, captain!

[Exeunt severally.