No More Learning

VI--PIG AND PEPPER


For a minute or two she stood looking at the house, when suddenly a
footman in livery came running out of the wood (judging by his face
only, she would have called him a fish)--and rapped loudly at the door
with his knuckles. It was opened by another footman in livery, with a
round face and large eyes like a frog.

[Illustration]

The Fish-Footman began by producing from under his arm a great letter,
and this he handed over to the other, saying, in a solemn tone, "For the
Duchess. An invitation from the Queen to play croquet. " The
Frog-Footman repeated, in the same solemn tone, "From the Queen. An
invitation for the Duchess to play croquet. " Then they both bowed low
and their curls got entangled together.

When Alice next peeped out, the Fish-Footman was gone, and the other was
sitting on the ground near the door, staring stupidly up into the sky.
Alice went timidly up to the door and knocked.

"There's no sort of use in knocking," said the Footman, "and that for
two reasons. First, because I'm on the same side of the door as you are;
secondly, because they're making such a noise inside, no one could
possibly hear you. " And certainly there _was_ a most extraordinary noise
going on within--a constant howling and sneezing, and every now and then
a great crash, as if a dish or kettle had been broken to pieces.

"How am I to get in? " asked Alice.

"_Are_ you to get in at all? " said the Footman. "That's the first
question, you know. "

Alice opened the door and went in. The door led right into a large
kitchen, which was full of smoke from one end to the other; the Duchess
was sitting on a three-legged stool in the middle, nursing a baby; the
cook was leaning over the fire, stirring a large caldron which seemed to
be full of soup.

"There's certainly too much pepper in that soup! " Alice said to herself,
as well as she could for sneezing. Even the Duchess sneezed
occasionally; and as for the baby, it was sneezing and howling
alternately without a moment's pause. The only two creatures in the
kitchen that did _not_ sneeze were the cook and a large cat, which was
grinning from ear to ear.

"Please would you tell me," said Alice, a little timidly, "why your cat
grins like that? "

"It's a Cheshire-Cat," said the Duchess, "and that's why. "

"I didn't know that Cheshire-Cats always grinned; in fact, I didn't know
that cats _could_ grin," said Alice.

"You don't know much," said the Duchess, "and that's a fact. "

Just then the cook took the caldron of soup off the fire, and at once
set to work throwing everything within her reach at the Duchess and the
baby--the fire-irons came first; then followed a shower of saucepans,
plates and dishes. The Duchess took no notice of them, even when they
hit her, and the baby was howling so much already that it was quite
impossible to say whether the blows hurt it or not.

"Oh, _please_ mind what you're doing! " cried Alice, jumping up and down
in an agony of terror.

"Here! You may nurse it a bit, if you like! " the Duchess said to Alice,
flinging the baby at her as she spoke. "I must go and get ready to play
croquet with the Queen," and she hurried out of the room.

Alice caught the baby with some difficulty, as it was a queer-shaped
little creature and held out its arms and legs in all directions. "If I
don't take this child away with me," thought Alice, "they're sure to
kill it in a day or two. Wouldn't it be murder to leave it behind? " She
said the last words out loud and the little thing grunted in reply.

"If you're going to turn into a pig, my dear," said Alice, "I'll have
nothing more to do with you. Mind now! "

Alice was just beginning to think to herself, "Now, what am I to do with
this creature, when I get it home? " when it grunted again so violently
that Alice looked down into its face in some alarm. This time there
could be _no_ mistake about it--it was neither more nor less than a pig;
so she set the little creature down and felt quite relieved to see it
trot away quietly into the wood.

Alice was a little startled by seeing the Cheshire-Cat sitting on a
bough of a tree a few yards off. The Cat only grinned when it saw her.
"Cheshire-Puss," began Alice, rather timidly, "would you please tell me
which way I ought to go from here? "

"In _that_ direction," the Cat said, waving the right paw 'round, "lives
a Hatter; and in _that_ direction," waving the other paw, "lives a March
Hare. Visit either you like; they're both mad. "

"But I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.

"Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat; "we're all mad here. Do you
play croquet with the Queen to-day? "

"I should like it very much," said Alice, "but I haven't been invited
yet. "

"You'll see me there," said the Cat, and vanished.

Alice had not gone much farther before she came in sight of the house of
the March Hare; it was so large a house that she did not like to go near
till she had nibbled some more of the left-hand bit of mushroom.




VII--A MAD TEA-PARTY


There was a table set out under a tree in front of the house, and the
March Hare and the Hatter were having tea at it; a Dormouse was sitting
between them, fast asleep.

The table was a large one, but the three were all crowded together at
one corner of it. "No room! No room! " they cried out when they saw Alice
coming. "There's _plenty_ of room! " said Alice indignantly, and she sat
down in a large arm-chair at one end of the table.

The Hatter opened his eyes very wide on hearing this, but all he said
was "Why is a raven like a writing-desk? "

"I'm glad they've begun asking riddles--I believe I can guess that," she
added aloud.

"Do you mean that you think you can find out the answer to it? " said the
March Hare.

"Exactly so," said Alice.

"Then you should say what you mean," the March Hare went on.

"I do," Alice hastily replied; "at least--at least I mean what I
say--that's the same thing, you know. "

"You might just as well say," added the Dormouse, which seemed to be
talking in its sleep, "that 'I breathe when I sleep' is the same thing
as 'I sleep when I breathe! '"

"It _is_ the same thing with you," said the Hatter, and he poured a
little hot tea upon its nose. The Dormouse shook its head impatiently
and said, without opening its eyes, "Of course, of course; just what I
was going to remark myself. "

[Illustration]

"Have you guessed the riddle yet? " the Hatter said, turning to Alice
again.

"No, I give it up," Alice replied. "What's the answer? "

"I haven't the slightest idea," said the Hatter.

"Nor I," said the March Hare.

Alice gave a weary sigh. "I think you might do something better with the
time," she said, "than wasting it in asking riddles that have no
answers. "

"Take some more tea," the March Hare said to Alice, very earnestly.

"I've had nothing yet," Alice replied in an offended tone, "so I can't
take more. "

"You mean you can't take _less_," said the Hatter; "it's very easy to
take _more_ than nothing. "

At this, Alice got up and walked off. The Dormouse fell asleep instantly
and neither of the others took the least notice of her going, though she
looked back once or twice; the last time she saw them, they were
trying to put the Dormouse into the tea-pot.

[Illustration: The Trial of the Knave of Hearts. ]

"At any rate, I'll never go _there_ again! " said Alice, as she picked
her way through the wood. "It's the stupidest tea-party I ever was at in
all my life! " Just as she said this, she noticed that one of the trees
had a door leading right into it. "That's very curious! " she thought. "I
think I may as well go in at once. " And in she went.

Once more she found herself in the long hall and close to the little
glass table. Taking the little golden key, she unlocked the door that
led into the garden. Then she set to work nibbling at the mushroom (she
had kept a piece of it in her pocket) till she was about a foot high;
then she walked down the little passage; and _then_--she found herself
at last in the beautiful garden, among the bright flower-beds and the
cool fountains.




VIII--THE QUEEN'S CROQUET GROUND


A large rose-tree stood near the entrance of the garden; the roses
growing on it were white, but there were three gardeners at it, busily
painting them red. Suddenly their eyes chanced to fall upon Alice, as
she stood watching them. "Would you tell me, please," said Alice, a
little timidly, "why you are painting those roses? "

Five and Seven said nothing, but looked at Two. Two began, in a low
voice, "Why, the fact is, you see, Miss, this here ought to have been a
_red_ rose-tree, and we put a white one in by mistake; and, if the Queen
was to find it out, we should all have our heads cut off, you know. So
you see, Miss, we're doing our best, afore she comes, to--" At this
moment, Five, who had been anxiously looking across the garden, called
out, "The Queen! The Queen! " and the three gardeners instantly threw
themselves flat upon their faces. There was a sound of many footsteps
and Alice looked 'round, eager to see the Queen.

First came ten soldiers carrying clubs, with their hands and feet at the
corners: next the ten courtiers; these were ornamented all over with
diamonds. After these came the royal children; there were ten of them,
all ornamented with hearts. Next came the guests, mostly Kings and
Queens, and among them Alice recognized the White Rabbit. Then followed
the Knave of Hearts, carrying the King's crown on a crimson velvet
cushion; and last of all this grand procession came THE KING AND THE
QUEEN OF HEARTS.

When the procession came opposite to Alice, they all stopped and looked
at her, and the Queen said severely, "Who is this? " She said it to the
Knave of Hearts, who only bowed and smiled in reply.

"My name is Alice, so please Your Majesty," said Alice very politely;
but she added to herself, "Why, they're only a pack of cards, after
all! "

"Can you play croquet? " shouted the Queen. The question was evidently
meant for Alice.

"Yes! " said Alice loudly.

"Come on, then! " roared the Queen.

"It's--it's a very fine day! " said a timid voice to Alice. She was
walking by the White Rabbit, who was peeping anxiously into her face.

"Very," said Alice. "Where's the Duchess? "

"Hush! Hush! " said the Rabbit. "She's under sentence of execution. "

"What for? " said Alice.

"She boxed the Queen's ears--" the Rabbit began.

"Get to your places! " shouted the Queen in a voice of thunder, and
people began running about in all directions, tumbling up against each
other. However, they got settled down in a minute or two, and the game
began.

Alice thought she had never seen such a curious croquet-ground in her
life; it was all ridges and furrows. The croquet balls were live
hedgehogs, and the mallets live flamingos and the soldiers had to double
themselves up and stand on their hands and feet, to make the arches.

The players all played at once, without waiting for turns, quarrelling
all the while and fighting for the hedgehogs; and in a very short time,
the Queen was in a furious passion and went stamping about and shouting,
"Off with his head! " or "Off with her head! " about once in a minute.

"They're dreadfully fond of beheading people here," thought Alice; "the
great wonder is that there's anyone left alive! "

She was looking about for some way of escape, when she noticed a curious
appearance in the air. "It's the Cheshire-Cat," she said to herself;
"now I shall have somebody to talk to. "

"How are you getting on? " said the Cat.

"I don't think they play at all fairly," Alice said, in a rather
complaining tone; "and they all quarrel so dreadfully one can't hear
oneself speak--and they don't seem to have any rules in particular. "

"How do you like the Queen? " said the Cat in a low voice.

"Not at all," said Alice.

[Illustration]

Alice thought she might as well go back and see how the game was going
on. So she went off in search of her hedgehog. The hedgehog was engaged
in a fight with another hedgehog, which seemed to Alice an excellent
opportunity for croqueting one of them with the other; the only
difficulty was that her flamingo was gone across to the other side of
the garden, where Alice could see it trying, in a helpless sort of way,
to fly up into a tree. She caught the flamingo and tucked it away under
her arm, that it might not escape again.

Just then Alice ran across the Duchess (who was now out of prison). She
tucked her arm affectionately into Alice's and they walked off together.
Alice was very glad to find her in such a pleasant temper. She was a
little startled, however, when she heard the voice of the Duchess close
to her ear. "You're thinking about something, my dear, and that makes
you forget to talk. "

"The game's going on rather better now," Alice said, by way of keeping
up the conversation a little.

"'Tis so," said the Duchess; "and the moral of that is--'Oh, 'tis love,
'tis love that makes the world go 'round! '"

"Somebody said," Alice whispered, "that it's done by everybody minding
his own business! "

"Ah, well! It means much the same thing," said the Duchess, digging her
sharp little chin into Alice's shoulder, as she added "and the moral of
_that_ is--'Take care of the sense and the sounds will take care of
themselves. '"

To Alice's great surprise, the Duchess's arm that was linked into hers
began to tremble. Alice looked up and there stood the Queen in front of
them, with her arms folded, frowning like a thunderstorm!

"Now, I give you fair warning," shouted the Queen, stamping on the
ground as she spoke, "either you or your head must be off, and that in
about half no time. Take your choice! " The Duchess took her choice, and
was gone in a moment.

"Let's go on with the game," the Queen said to Alice; and Alice was too
much frightened to say a word, but slowly followed her back to the
croquet-ground.

All the time they were playing, the Queen never left off quarreling with
the other players and shouting, "Off with his head! " or "Off with her
head! " By the end of half an hour or so, all the players, except the
King, the Queen and Alice, were in custody of the soldiers and under
sentence of execution.

Then the Queen left off, quite out of breath, and walked away with
Alice.

Alice heard the King say in a low voice to the company generally, "You
are all pardoned. "

Suddenly the cry "The Trial's beginning! " was heard in the distance, and
Alice ran along with the others.




IX--WHO STOLE THE TARTS?


The King and Queen of Hearts were seated on their throne when they
arrived, with a great crowd assembled about them--all sorts of little
birds and beasts, as well as the whole pack of cards: the Knave was
standing before them, in chains, with a soldier on each side to guard
him; and near the King was the White Rabbit, with a trumpet in one hand
and a scroll of parchment in the other. In the very middle of the court
was a table, with a large dish of tarts upon it. "I wish they'd get the
trial done," Alice thought, "and hand 'round the refreshments! "

The judge, by the way, was the King and he wore his crown over his great
wig. "That's the jury-box," thought Alice; "and those twelve creatures
(some were animals and some were birds) I suppose they are the jurors. "

Just then the White Rabbit cried out "Silence in the court! "

"Herald, read the accusation! " said the King.

[Illustration]

On this, the White Rabbit blew three blasts on the trumpet, then
unrolled the parchment-scroll and read as follows:

"The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts,
All on a summer day;
The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts
And took them quite away! "

"Call the first witness," said the King; and the White Rabbit blew three
blasts on the trumpet and called out, "First witness! "

The first witness was the Hatter. He came in with a teacup in one hand
and a piece of bread and butter in the other.

"You ought to have finished," said the King. "When did you begin? "

The Hatter looked at the March Hare, who had followed him into the
court, arm in arm with the Dormouse. "Fourteenth of March, I _think_ it
was," he said.

"Give your evidence," said the King, "and don't be nervous, or I'll have
you executed on the spot. "

This did not seem to encourage the witness at all; he kept shifting from
one foot to the other, looking uneasily at the Queen, and, in his
confusion, he bit a large piece out of his teacup instead of the bread
and butter.

Just at this moment Alice felt a very curious sensation--she was
beginning to grow larger again.

The miserable Hatter dropped his teacup and bread and butter and went
down on one knee. "I'm a poor man, Your Majesty," he began.

"You're a _very_ poor _speaker_," said the King.

"You may go," said the King, and the Hatter hurriedly left the court.
"Call the next witness! " said the King.

The next witness was the Duchess's cook. She carried the pepper-box in
her hand and the people near the door began sneezing all at once.

"Give your evidence," said the King.

"Sha'n't," said the cook.

The King looked anxiously at the White Rabbit, who said, in a low voice,
"Your Majesty must cross-examine _this_ witness. "

"Well, if I must, I must," the King said. "What are tarts made of? "

"Pepper, mostly," said the cook.

For some minutes the whole court was in confusion and by the time they
had settled down again, the cook had disappeared.

"Never mind! " said the King, "call the next witness. "

Alice watched the White Rabbit as he fumbled over the list. Imagine her
surprise when he read out, at the top of his shrill little voice, the
name "Alice! "




X--ALICE'S EVIDENCE


"Here! " cried Alice. She jumped up in such a hurry that she tipped over
the jury-box, upsetting all the jurymen on to the heads of the crowd
below.

"Oh, I _beg_ your pardon! " she exclaimed in a tone of great dismay.

"The trial cannot proceed," said the King, "until all the jurymen are
back in their proper places--_all_," he repeated with great emphasis,
looking hard at Alice.

"What do you know about this business? " the King said to Alice.

"Nothing whatever," said Alice.

The King then read from his book: "Rule forty-two. _All persons more
than a mile high to leave the court_. "

"_I'm_ not a mile high," said Alice.

"Nearly two miles high," said the Queen.

[Illustration]

"Well, I sha'n't go, at any rate," said Alice.

The King turned pale and shut his note-book hastily. "Consider your
verdict," he said to the jury, in a low, trembling voice.

"There's more evidence to come yet, please Your Majesty," said the White
Rabbit, jumping up in a great hurry. "This paper has just been picked
up. It seems to be a letter written by the prisoner to--to somebody. " He
unfolded the paper as he spoke and added, "It isn't a letter, after all;
it's a set of verses. "

"Please, Your Majesty," said the Knave, "I didn't write it and they
can't prove that I did; there's no name signed at the end. "

"You _must_ have meant some mischief, or else you'd have signed your
name like an honest man," said the King. There was a general clapping of
hands at this.

"Read them," he added, turning to the White Rabbit.

There was dead silence in the court whilst the White Rabbit read out the
verses.

"That's the most important piece of evidence we've heard yet," said the
King.

"_I_ don't believe there's an atom of meaning in it," ventured Alice.

"If there's no meaning in it," said the King, "that saves a world of
trouble, you know, as we needn't try to find any. Let the jury consider
their verdict. "

"No, no! " said the Queen. "Sentence first--verdict afterwards. "

"Stuff and nonsense! " said Alice loudly. "The idea of having the
sentence first! "

"Hold your tongue! " said the Queen, turning purple.

"I won't! " said Alice.

"Off with her head! " the Queen shouted at the top of her voice. Nobody
moved.

"Who cares for _you_? " said Alice (she had grown to her full size by
this time). "You're nothing but a pack of cards! "

[Illustration]

At this, the whole pack rose up in the air and came flying down upon
her; she gave a little scream, half of fright and half of anger, and
tried to beat them off, and found herself lying on the bank, with her
head in the lap of her sister, who was gently brushing away some dead
leaves that had fluttered down from the trees upon her face.

"Wake up, Alice dear! " said her sister. "Why, what a long sleep you've
had! "

"Oh, I've had such a curious dream! " said Alice. And she told her
sister, as well as she could remember them, all these strange adventures
of hers that you have just been reading about. Alice got up and ran off,
thinking while she ran, as well she might, what a wonderful dream it had
been.

[Illustration]





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