No More Learning

It is
ten to one, but the dullest writer exceeds the most rigid French critic
who presumes to despise him.

FOLLOWER. Damn the French, the parle vous, and all that belongs to
them.

MISS RICH. Sir!

HONEYW. Ha, ha, ha, honest Mr. Flanigan. A true English officer, madam;
he's not contented with beating the French, but he will scold them too.

MISS RICH. Yet, Mr. Honeywood, this does not convince me but that
severity in criticism is necessary. It was our first adopting the
severity of French taste, that has brought them in turn to taste us.

BAILIFF. Taste us! By the Lord, madam, they devour us. Give Monseers
but a taste, and I'll be damn'd, but they come in for a bellyful.

MISS RICH. Very extraordinary this.

FOLLOWER. But very true. What makes the bread rising? the parle vous
that devour us. What makes the mutton five pence a pound? the parle
vous that eat it up. What makes the beer threepence halfpenny a pot—

HONEYW. Ah! the vulgar rogues, all will be out. Right, gentlemen, very
right upon my word, and quite to the purpose. They draw a parallel,
madam, between the mental taste, and that of our senses. We are injured
as much by French severity in the one, as by French rapacity in the
other. That's their meaning.

MISS RICH. Though I don't see the force of the parallel, yet, I'll own,
that we should sometimes pardon books, as we do our friends, that have
now and then agreeable absurdities to recommend them.

[Illustration:

BAILIFF. —"_Taste us! By the Lord,
madam, they devour us. _"—_p. _ 292.
]


BAILIFF. That's all my eye. The king only can pardon, as the law says;
for set in case——

HONEYW. I'm quite of your opinion, sir. I see the whole drift of your
argument. Yes, certainly our presuming to pardon any work, is
arrogating a power that belongs to another. If all have power to
condemn, what writer can be free?

BAILIFF. By his habus corpus. His habus corpus can set him free at any
time. For set in case—

HONEYW. I'm obliged to you, sir, for the hint. If madam, as my friend
observes, our laws are so careful of a gentleman's person, sure we
ought to be equally careful of his dearer part, his fame.

FOLLOWER. Ay, but if so be a man's nabbed, you know—

HONEYW. Mr. Flanigan, if you spoke for ever, you could not improve the
last observation. For my own part, I think it conclusive.

BAILIFF. As for the matter of that, mayhap——

HONEYW. Nay, sir, give me leave in this instance to be positive. For
where is the necessity of censuring works without genius, which must
shortly sink of themselves: what is it, but aiming our unnecessary blow
against a victim already under the hands of justice?

BAILIFF. Justice! O, by the elevens, if you talk about justice, I think
I am at home there; for, in a course of law—

HONEYW. My dear Mr. Twitch, I discern what you'd be at perfectly, and I
believe the lady must be sensible of the art with which it is
introduced. I suppose you perceive the meaning, madam, of his course of
law?

MISS RICH. I protest, sir, I do not. I perceive only that you answer
one gentleman before he has finished, and the other before he has well
begun.

BAILIFF. Madam, you are a gentlewoman, and I will make the matter out.
This here question is about severity and justice, and pardon, and the
like of they. Now to explain the thing—

HONEYW. O! curse your explanations.

_Aside. _

_Enter_ SERVANT.

SERVANT. Mr. Leontine, sir, below, desires to speak with you upon
earnest business.

HONEYW. That's lucky (_aside. _) Dear madam, you'll excuse me, and my
good friends here, for a few minutes. There are books, madam, to amuse
you. Come, gentlemen, you know I make no ceremony with such friends.
After you, sir. Excuse me. Well, if I must; but I know your natural
politeness.

BAILIFF. Before and behind, you know.

FOLLOWER. Ay, ay, before and behind, before and behind.

[_Exeunt_ HONEYWOOD, BAILIFF, _and_ FOLLOWER.

MISS RICH. What can all this mean, Garnet?

GARNET. Mean, madam? why, what should it mean, but what Mr. Lofty sent
you here to see? These people he calls officers, are officers sure
enough: sheriff's officers; bailiffs, madam.

MISS RICH. Ay, it is certainly so. Well, though his perplexities are
far from giving me pleasure; yet I own there's something very
ridiculous in them, and a just punishment for his dissimulation.

GARNET. And so they are. But I wonder, madam, that the lawyer you just
employed to pay his debts and set him free, has not done it by this
time. He ought at least to have been here before now. But lawyers are
always more ready to get a man into troubles, than out of them.

_Enter_ SIR WILLIAM.

SIR WILL. For Miss Richland to undertake setting him free, I own, was
quite unexpected. It has totally unhinged my schemes to reclaim him.
Yet, it gives me pleasure to find, that, among a number of worthless
friendships, he has made one acquisition of real value; for there must
be some softer passion on her side that prompts this generosity. Ha!
here before me: I'll endeavour to sound her affections. Madam, as I am
the person that have had some demands upon the gentleman of this house,
I hope you'll excuse me, if, before I enlarged him, I wanted to see
yourself.

MISS RICH. The precaution was very unnecessary, sir. I suppose your
wants were only such as my agent had power to satisfy.

SIR WILL. Partly, madam. But, I was also willing you should be fully
apprised of the character of the gentleman you intended to serve.

MISS RICH. It must come, sir, with a very ill grace from you. To
censure it, after what you have done, would look like malice; and to
speak favourably of a character you have oppressed, would be impeaching
your own. And sure, his tenderness, his humanity, his universal
friendship, may atone for many faults.

SIR WILL. That friendship, madam, which is exerted in too wide a
sphere, becomes totally useless. Our bounty, like a drop of water,
disappears when diffused too widely. They, who pretend most to this
universal benevolence, are either deceivers, or dupes—men who desire to
cover their private ill-nature by a pretended regard for all; or men
who, reasoning themselves into false feelings, are more earnest in
pursuit of splendid, than of useful virtues.

MISS RICH. I am surprised, sir, to hear one who has probably been a
gainer by the folly of others, so severe in his censure of it.

SIR WILL. Whatever I may have gained by folly, madam, you see I am
willing to prevent your losing by it.

MISS RICH. Your cares for me, sir, are unnecessary. I always suspect
those services which are denied where they are wanted, and offered,
perhaps, in hopes of a refusal. No, sir, my directions have been given,
and I insist upon their being complied with.

SIR WILL. Thou amiable woman, I can no longer contain the expressions
of my gratitude—my pleasure. You see before you one who has been
equally careful of his interest: one, who has for some time been a
concealed spectator of his follies, and only punished, in hopes to
reclaim them—His uncle.

MISS RICH. Sir William Honeywood! You amaze me! How shall I conceal my
confusion? I fear, sir, you'll think I have been too forward in my
services. I confess I——

SIR WILL. Don't make any apologies, madam. I only find myself unable to
repay the obligation. And yet, I have been trying my interest of late
to serve you. Having learnt, madam, that you had some demands upon
government, I have, though unasked, been your solicitor there.

MISS RICH. Sir, I am infinitely obliged to your intentions; but my
guardian has employed another gentleman, who assures him of success.

SIR WILL. Who, the important little man that visits here? Trust me,
madam, he's quite contemptible among men in power, and utterly unable
to serve you. Mr. Lofty's promises are much better known to people of
fashion than his person, I assure you.

MISS RICH. How have we been deceived! As sure as can be, here he comes.

SIR WILL. Does he? Remember I'm to continue unknown. My return to
England has not as yet been made public. With what impudence he enters!

_Enter_ LOFTY.

LOFTY. Let the chariot—let my chariot drive off, I'll visit to his
grace's in a chair. Miss Richland here before me! Punctual, as usual,
to the calls of humanity. I'm very sorry, madam, things of this kind
should happen, especially to a man I have shown every where, and
carried amongst us as a particular acquaintance.

MISS RICH. I find, sir, you have the art of making the misfortunes of
others your own.

LOFTY. My dear madam, what can a private man like me do? One man can't
do everything; and then, I do so much in this way every day. Let me
see, something considerable might be done for him by subscription; it
could not fail if I carried the list. I'll undertake to set down a
brace of dukes, two dozen lords, and half the lower house, at my own
peril.

SIR WILL. And after all, it is more than probable, sir, he might reject
the offer, of such powerful patronage.

LOFTY. Then, madam, what can we do? You know I never make promises. In
truth, I once or twice tried to do something with him in the way of
business; but as I often told his uncle, Sir William Honeywood, the man
was utterly impracticable.

SIR WILL. His uncle! Then that gentleman, I suppose, is a particular
friend of yours?

LOFTY. Meaning me, sir? —Yes, madam, as I often said, My dear Sir
William, you are sensible I would do anything as far as my poor
interest goes, to serve your family; but what can be done? there's no
procuring first-rate places for ninth-rate abilities.

MISS RICH. I have heard of Sir William Honeywood; he's abroad in
employment; he confided in your judgment, I suppose.

LOFTY. Why, yes, madam; I believe Sir William had some reason to
confide in my judgment; one little reason, perhaps.

MISS RICH. Pray, sir, what was it?

LOFTY.
Why, madam—but let it go no further—it was I procured him his
place.

SIR WILL. Did you, sir?

LOFTY. Either you or I, sir.

MISS RICH. This, Mr. Lofty, was very kind, indeed.

LOFTY. I did love him, to be sure; he had some amusing qualities; no
man was fitter to be toastmaster to a club, or had a better head.

MISS RICH. A better head?

LOFTY. Ay, at a bottle. To be sure he was as dull as a choice spirit;
but hang it, he was grateful, very grateful; and gratitude hides a
multitude of faults.

SIR WILL. He might have reason, perhaps. His place is pretty
considerable, I'm told.

LOFTY. A trifle, a mere trifle, among us men of business. The truth is,
he wanted dignity to fill up a greater.

SIR WILL. Dignity of person, do you mean sir? I'm told he's much about
my size and figure, sir.

LOFTY. Ay, tall enough for a marching regiment; but then he wanted a
something—a consequence of form—a kind of a—I believe the lady
perceives my meaning.

MISS RICH. O perfectly; you courtiers can do any thing, I see.

LOFTY. My dear madam, all this is but a mere exchange; we do greater
things for one another every day. Why as thus, now; let me suppose you
the first lord of the treasury; you have an employment in you that I
want; I have a place in me that you want; do me here, do you there:
interest on both sides, few words, flat, done and done, and it's over.

SIR WILL. A thought strikes me (_aside_). Now you mention Sir William
Honeywood, madam, and as he seems, sir, an acquaintance of yours,
you'll be glad to hear he's arrived from Italy; I had it from a friend
who knows him as well as he does me, and you may depend on my
information.

[Illustration:

LOFTY. —"_Either you or I, sir. _"—_p. _ 296.
]


LOFTY. The devil he is! If I had known that we should not have been
quite so well acquainted (_aside_).

SIR WILL. He is certainly returned; and as this gentleman is a friend
of yours, he can be of signal service to us, by introducing me to him;
there are some papers relative to your affairs, that require dispatch
and his inspection.

MISS RICH. This gentleman, Mr. Lofty, is a person employed in my
affairs: I know you'll serve us.

LOFTY. My dear madam, I live but to serve you. Sir William shall even
wait upon him, if you think proper to command it.

SIR WILL. That would be quite unnecessary.

LOFTY. Well, we must introduce you then. Call upon me—let me see—ay, in
two days.

SIR WILL. Now, or the opportunity will be lost for ever.

LOFTY. Well, if it must be now, now let it be. But damn it, that's
unfortunate; my lord Grig's cursed Pensacola business comes on this
very hour, and I'm engaged to attend—another time—

SIR WILL. A short letter to Sir William will do.

LOFTY. You shall have it; yet, in my opinion, a letter is a very bad
way of going to work; face to face, that's my way.

SIR WILL. The letter sir, will do quite as well.

LOFTY. Zounds, sir, do you pretend to direct me? direct me in the
business of office? Do you know me, sir? who am I?

MISS RICH. Dear Mr. Lofty, this request is not so much his as mine; if
my commands—but you despise my power.

LOFTY. Delicate creature! your commands could even control a debate at
midnight; to a power so constitutional, I am all obedience and
tranquility. He shall have a letter; where is my secretary? Dubardieu!
And yet, I protest, I don't like this way of doing business. I think if
I spoke first to Sir William—But you will have it so.

[_Exit with_ MISS RICH.

SIR WILLIAM _alone_.

SIR WILL. Ha, ha, ha! This too is one of my nephew's hopeful
associates. O vanity, thou constant deceiver, how do all thy efforts to
exalt, serve but to sink us! thy false colourings, like those employed
to heighten beauty, only seem to mend that bloom which they contribute
to destroy. I'm not displeased at this interview; exposing this
fellow's impudence to the contempt it deserves, may be of use to my
design; at least, if he can reflect, it will be of use to himself.

_Enter_ JARVIS.

SIR WILL. How now, Jarvis, where's your master my nephew?

JARVIS. At his wit's end, I believe; he's scarce gotten out of one
scrape, but he's running his head into another.

SIR WILL. How so?

JARVIS. The house has but just been cleared of the bailiffs, and now
he's again engaging tooth and nail in assisting old Croaker's son to
patch up a clandestine match with the young lady that passes in the
house for his sister.

SIR WILL. Ever busy to serve others.

JARVIS. Ay, any body but himself. The young couple, it seems, are just
setting out for Scotland, and he supplies them with money for the
journey.

SIR WILL. Money! how is he able to supply others, who has scarce any
for himself?

JARVIS. Why, there it is; he has no money, that's true; but then, as he
never said No to any request in his life, he has given them a bill
drawn by a friend of his upon a merchant in the city, which I am to get
changed; for you must know that I am to go with them to Scotland
myself.

SIR WILL. How!

JARVIS. It seems the young gentleman is obliged to take a different
road from his mistress, as he is to call upon an uncle of his that
lives out of the way, in order to prepare a place for their reception,
when they return; so they have borrowed me from my master, as the
properest person to attend the young lady down.

SIR WILL. To the land of matrimony! A pleasant journey, Jarvis.

JARVIS. Ay, but I'm only to have all the fatigues on't.

SIR WILL. Well, it may be shorter, and less fatiguing, than you
imagine. I know but too much of the young lady's family and connexions,
whom I have seen abroad, I have also discovered that Miss Richland is
not indifferent to my thoughtless nephew; and will endeavour, though I
fear in vain, to establish that connexion. But, come, the letter I wait
for must be almost finished; I'll let you further into my intentions in
the next room.

[_Exeunt. _

ACT IV.


SCENE. —CROAKER'S _House_.

LOFTY. Well, sure the devil's in me of late, for running my head in
such defiles, as nothing but a genius like my own could draw me from. I
was formerly contented to husband out my places and pensions with some
degree of frugality; but, curse it, of late I have given away the whole
Court Register in less time than they could print the title-page; yet,
hang it, why scruple a lie or two to come at a fine girl, when I every
day tell a thousand for nothing? Ha! Honeywood here before me. Could
Miss Richland have set him at liberty?

_Enter_ HONEYWOOD.

Mr. Honeywood, I'm glad to see you abroad again. I find my concurrence
was not necessary in your unfortunate affairs. I had put things in a
train to do your business; but it is not for me to say what I intended
doing.

HONEYW. It was unfortunate indeed, sir. But what adds to my uneasiness
is, that while you seem to be acquainted with my misfortune, I, myself
continue still a stranger to my benefactor.

LOFTY. How! not know the friend that served you?

HONEYW. Can't guess at the person.

LOFTY. Inquire.

HONEYW. I have, but all I can learn is, that he chooses to remain
concealed, and that all inquiry must be fruitless.

LOFTY. Must be fruitless?

HONEYW. Absolutely fruitless.

LOFTY. Sure of that?

HONEYW. Very sure.

LOFTY. Then I'll be damn'd if you shall ever know it from me.

HONEYW. How, sir!

LOFTY. I suppose now, Mr. Honeywood, you think my rent-roll very
considerable, and that I have vast sums of money to throw away; I know
you do. The world, to be sure says such things of me.

HONEYW. The world, by what I learn, is no stranger to your generosity.
But where does this tend?

LOFTY. To nothing; nothing in the world. The town, to be sure, when it
makes such a thing as me the subject of conversation, has asserted,
that I never yet patronised a man of merit.

HONEYW. I have heard instances to the contrary, even from yourself.

LOFTY. Yes, Honeywood, and there are instances to the contrary that you
shall never hear from myself.

HONEYW. Ha, dear sir, permit me to ask you but one question.

LOFTY. Sir, ask me no questions; I say, sir, ask me no questions; I'll
be damn'd if I answer them.

HONEYW. I will ask no further. My friend, my benefactor, it is, it must
be here, that I am indebted for freedom for honour. Yes, thou worthiest
of men, from the beginning I suspected it, but was afraid to return
thanks; which, if undeserved, might seem reproaches.

LOFTY. I protest I don't understand all this, Mr. Honeywood. You treat
me very cavalierly, I do assure you, sir. —Blood, sir, can't a man be
permitted to enjoy the luxury of his own feelings without all this
parade?

HONEYW. Nay, do not attempt to conceal an action that adds to your
honour. Your looks, your air, your manner, all confess it.

LOFTY. Confess it sir! Torture itself, sir, shall never bring me to
confess it. Mr. Honeywood, I have admitted you upon terms of
friendship. Don't let us fall out; make me happy, and let this be
buried in oblivion. You know I hate ostentation; you know I do. Come
come, Honeywood, you know I always loved to be a friend, and not a
patron. I beg this may make no kind of distance between us. Come, come,
you and I must be more familiar—indeed we must.

HONEYW. Heavens! Can I ever repay such friendship?