No More Learning

I
say. --But come, we have no time to squander; knock at the door. --
[LORY _knocks two or three times at the gate. _] What the
devil! have they got no ears in this house? --Knock harder.
_Lory. _ Egad, sir, this will prove some enchanted castle; we
shall have the giant come out by-and-by, with his club, and beat
our brains out. [_Knocks again. _]
_Fash. _ Hush, they come.
_Ser. [Within. ]_ Who is there?
_Lory. _ Open the door and see: is that your country
breeding?
_Ser. _ Ay, but two words to that bargain. --Tummus, is the
blunderbuss primed?
_Fash. _ Ouns! give 'em good words, Lory,--or we shall be
shot here a fortune catching.
_Lory. _ Egad, sir, I think you're in the right on't. --Ho!
Mr. What-d'ye-call-'um, will you please to let us in? or are we
to be left to grow like willows by your moat side?
SERVANT _appears at the window with a blunderbuss. _
_Ser. _ Well naw, what's ya're business?
_Fash. _ Nothing, sir, but to wait upon Sir Tunbelly, with
your leave.
_Ser. _ To weat upon Sir Tunbelly! why, you'll find that's
just as Sir Tunbelly pleases.
_Fash. _ But will you do me the favour, sir, to know whether
Sir Tunbelly pleases or not?
_Ser. _ Why, look you, d'ye see, with good words much may be
done. Ralph, go thy ways, and ask Sir Tunbelly if he pleases to
be waited upon--and dost hear, call to nurse, that she may lock
up Miss Hoyden before the gates open.
_Fash. _ D'ye hear, that, Lory?
_Enter SIR TUNBELLY CLUMSY, with SERVANTS, armed with guns,
clubs, pitchforks, &c_.
_Lory_. Oh! [_Runs behind his master_. ] O Lord! O Lord!
Lord! we are both dead men!
_Fash_. Fool! thy fear will, ruin us. [_Aside to
LORY_. ]
_Lory_. My fear, sir? 'sdeath, Sir, I fear nothing. --
[_Aside_. ] Would I were well up to the chin in a horse-pond!
_Sir Tun_. Who is it here hath any business with me?
_Fash_. Sir, 'tis I, if your name be Sir Tunbelly Clumsy.
_Sir Tun_. Sir, my name is Sir Tunbelly Clumsy, whether you
have any business with me or not. --So you see I am not ashamed of
my name, nor my face either.
_Fash_. Sir, you have no cause that I know of.
_Sir Tun_. Sir, if you have no cause either, I desire to
know who you are; for, till I know your name, I shan't ask you to
come into my house: and when I do know your name,'tis six to four
I don't ask you then.
_Fash_. Sir, I hope you'll find this letter an authentic
passport. [_Gives him a letter_. ]
_Sir Tun_. Cod's my life, from Mrs. Coupler! --I ask your
lordship's pardon ten thousand times. --[_To a SERVANT_. ]
Here, run in a-doors quickly; get a Scotch coal fire in the
parlour, set all the Turkey work chairs in their places, get the
brass candlesticks out, and be sure stick the socket full of
laurel--run! --[_Turns to TOM FASHION_. ]--My lord, I ask your
lordship's pardon. --[_To SERVANT_. ] And, do you hear, run
away to nurse; bid her let Miss Hoyden loose again. --[_Exit
SERVANT_. ] I hope your honour will excuse the disorder of my
family. We are not used to receive men of your lordship's great
quality every day. Pray, where are your coaches and servants, my
lord?
_Fash_. Sir, that I might give you and your daughter a proof
how impatient I am to be nearer akin to you, I left my equipage
to follow me, and came away post with only one servant.
_Sir Tun_. Your lordship does me too much honour--it was
exposing your person to too much fatigue and danger, I protest it
was: but my daughter shall endeavour to make you what amends she
can: and, though I say it that should not say it, Hoyden has
charms.
_Fash_. Sir, I am not a stranger to them, though I am to
her; common fame has done her justice.
_Sir Tun_. My lord, I am common fame's very grateful, humble
servant. My lord, my girl's young--Hoyden is young, my lord: but
this I must say for her, what she wants in art she has in
breeding; and what's wanting in her age, is made good in her
constitution. --So pray, my lord, walk in; pray, my lord, walk in.
_Fash_. Sir, I wait upon you. [_Exeunt_. ]

SCENE IV. --_A Room in_ SIR TUNBELLY CLUMSY'S _House_.
MISS HOYDEN _discovered alone_.
_Miss Hoyd_. Sure, nobody was ever used as I am! I know well
enough what other girls do, for all they think to make a fool o'
me. It's well I have a husband a-coming, or ecod I'd marry the
baker, I would so. Nobody can knock at the gate, but presently I
must be locked up; and here's the young greyhound can run loose
about the house all the day, so she can. --'Tis very well!
_Nurse_. [_Without opening the door_. ] Miss Hoyden!
miss, miss, miss! Miss Hoyden!
_Enter_ NURSE.
_Miss Hoyd_. Well, what do you make such a noise for, eh?
What do you din a body's ears for? Can't one be at quiet for you?
_Nurse_. What do I din your ears for? Here's one come will
din your ears for you.
_Miss Hoyd_. What care I who's come? I care not a fig who
comes, or who goes, so long as I must be locked up like the ale-cellar.
_Nurse_. That, miss, is for fear you should be drank before
you are ripe.
_Miss Hoyd_. Oh, don't trouble your head about that; I'm as
ripe as you, though not so mellow.
_Nurse_. Very well! Now I have a good mind to lock you up
again, and not let you see my lord to-night.
_Miss Hoyd_. My lord: why, is my husband come?
_Nurse_. Yes, marry, is he; and a goodly person too.
_Miss Hoyd_. [_Hugs_ NURSE. ] Oh, my dear nurse, forgive
me this once, and I'll never misuse you again; no, if I do, you
shall give me three thumps on the back, and a great pinch by the
cheek.
_Nurse_. Ah, the poor thing! see now it melts; it's as full
of good-nature as an egg's full of meat.
_Miss Hoyd. _ But, my dear nurse, don't lie now--is he come,
by your troth?
_Nurse. _ Yes, by my truly, is he.
_Miss Hoyd_. O Lord! I'll go and put on my laced tucker,
though I'm locked up for a month for't.
[_Exeunt_. MISS HOYDEN _goes off capering, and twirling
her doll by its leg. _]




ACT IV.

SCENE I. --_A Room in_ SIR TUNBELLY CLUMSY'S _House. _
_Enter_ MISS HOYDEN _and_ NURSE.
_Nurse_. Well, miss, how do you like your husband that is to
be?
_Miss Hoyd_. O Lord, nurse, I'm so overjoyed I can scarce
contain myself!
_Nurse_. Oh, but you must have a care of being too fond; for
men, nowadays, hate a woman that loves 'em.
_Miss Hoyd_. Love him! why, do you think I love him, nurse?
Ecod I would not care if he was hanged, so I were but once
married to him. No, that which pleases me is to think what work
I'll make when I get to London; for when I am a wife and a lady
both, ecod, I'll flaunt it with the best of 'em. Ay, and I shall
have money enough to do so too, nurse.
_Nurse_. Ah, there's no knowing that, miss; for though these
lords have a power of wealth indeed, yet, as I have heard say,
they give it all to their sluts and their trulls, who joggle it
about in their coaches, with a murrain to 'em, whilst poor madam
sits sighing and wishing, and has not a spare half-crown to buy
her a Practice of Piety.
_Miss Hoyd_. Oh, but for that, don't deceive yourself,
nurse; for this I must say of my lord, he's as free as an open
house at Christmas; for this very morning he told me I should
have six hundred a year to buy pins. Now if he gives me six
hundred a year to buy pins, what do you think he'll give me to
buy petticoats?
_Nurse_. Ay, my dearest, he deceives thee foully, and he's
no better than a rogue for his pains! These Londoners have got a
gibberish with 'em would confound a gipsy. That which they call
pin-money, is to buy everything in the versal world, down to
their very shoe-knots. Nay, I have heard some folks say that some
ladies, if they'll have gallants as they call 'em, are forced to
find them out of their pin-money too. --But look, look, if his
honour be not coming to you! --Now, if I were sure you would
behave yourself handsomely, and not disgrace me that have brought
you up, I'd leave you alone together.
_Miss Hoyd_. That's my best nurse; do as you'd be done by.
Trust us together this once, and if I don't show my breeding, I
wish I may never be married, but die an old maid.
_Nurse_. Well, this once I'll venture you. But if you
disparage me--
_Miss Hoyd_. Never fear. [_Exit_ NURSE. ]
_Enter_ TOM FASHION.
_Fash_. Your servant, madam; I'm glad to find you alone, for
I have something of importance to speak to you about.
_Miss Hoyd_. Sir (my lord, I meant), you may speak to me
about what you please, I shall give you a civil answer.
_Fash_. You give so obliging an one, it encourages me to
tell you in a few words what I think, both for your interest and
mine. Your father, I suppose you know, has resolved to make me
happy in being your husband; and I hope I may obtain your consent
to perform what he desires.
_Miss Hoyd_. Sir, I never disobey my father in anything but
eating green gooseberries.
_Fash_. So good a daughter must needs be an admirable wife.
I am therefore impatient till you are mine, and hope you will so
far consider the violence of my love, that you won't have the
cruelty to defer my happiness so long as your father designs it.
_Miss Hoyd_. Pray, my lord, how long is that?
_Fash_. Madam, a thousand years--a whole week.
_Miss Hoyd_. Why, I thought it was to be to-morrow morning,
as soon as I was up. I'm sure nurse told me so.
_Fash_. And it shall be to-morrow morning, if you'll
consent.
_Miss Hoyd_. If I'll consent! Why I thought I was to obey
you as my husband.
_Fash_. That's when we are married. Till then, I'm to obey
you.
_Miss Hoyd_. Why then, if we are to take it by turns, it's
the same thing. I'll obey you now, and when we are married you
shall obey me.
_Fash_. With all my heart. But I doubt we must get nurse on
our side, or we shall hardly prevail with the chaplain.
_Miss Hoyd_. No more we shan't, indeed; for he loves her
better than he loves his pulpit, and would always be a-preaching
to her by his good will.
_Fash_. Why then, my dear, if you'll call her hither we'll
persuade her presently.
_Miss Hoyd_. O Lud! I'll tell you a way how to persuade her
to anything.
_Fash_. How's that?
_Miss Hoyd_. Why tell her she's a handsome comely woman, and
give her half a crown.
_Fash_. Nay, if that will do, she shall have half a score of
'em.
_Miss Hoyd_. O gemini! for half that she'd marry you
herself. --I'll run and call her. [_Exit. ]
Fash_. So! matters go on swimmingly. This is a rare girl,
i'faith. I shall have a fine time on't with her at London.
_Enter_ LORY.
So, Lory, what's the matter?
_Lory_. Here, sir--an intercepted packet from the enemy;
your brother's postilion brought it. I knew the livery, pretended
to be a servant of Sir Tunbelly's, and so got possession of the
letter.
_Fash. [Looks at the letter_. ] Ouns! he tells Sir Tunbelly
here that he will be with him this evening, with a large party to
supper. --Egad, I must marry the girl directly.
_Lory_. Oh, zounds, sir, directly to be sure. Here she
comes. [_Exit_. ]
_Fash_. And the old Jezebel with her.
_Re-enter_ MISS HOYDEN _and_ NURSE.
How do you do, good Mrs. Nurse? I desired your young lady would
give me leave to see you, that I might thank you for your
extraordinary care and kind conduct in her education: pray accept
this small acknowledgment for it at present, and depend upon my
further kindness when I shall be that happy thing, her husband.
[_Gives her money. _]
_Nurse_. [_Aside_. ] Gold, by the maakins! --
[_Aloud_. ] Your honour's goodness is too great. Alas! all I
can boast of is, I gave her pure and good milk, and so your
honour would have said, an you had seen how the poor thing
thrived, and how it would look up in my face, and crow and laugh,
it would.
_Miss Hoyd_. [_To_ NURSE, _taking her angrily
aside_. ] Pray, one word with you. Pr'ythee, nurse, don't stand
ripping up old stories, to make one ashamed before one's love. Do
you think such a fine proper gentleman as he is cares for a
fiddlecome tale of a child? If you have a mind to make him have a
good opinion of a woman, don't tell him what one did then, tell
him what one can do now. --[_To_ Tom FASHION. ] I hope your
honour will excuse my mis-manners to whisper before you. It was
only to give some orders about the family.
_Fash_. Oh, everything, madam, is to give way to business;
besides, good housewifery is a very commendable quality in a
young lady.
_Miss Hoyd_. Pray, sir, are young ladies good housewives at
London-town? Do they darn their own linen?
_Fash_. Oh no, they study how to spend money, not to save.
_Miss Hoyd_. Ecod, I don't know but that may be better
sport, eh, nurse?
_Fash_. Well, you have your choice, when you come there.
_Miss Hoyd_. Shall I? then, by my troth, I'll get there as
fast as I can. --[_To_ NURSE. ] His honour desires you'll be
so kind as to let us be married to-morrow.
_Nurse_. To-morrow, my dear madam?
_Fash_. Ay, faith, nurse, you may well be surprised at
miss's wanting to put it off so long. To-morrow! no, no; 'tis
now, this very hour, I would have the ceremony performed.
_Miss Hoyd_. Ecod, with all my heart.
_Nurse_. O mercy! worse and worse!
_Fash. _ Yes, sweet nurse, now and privately; for all things
being signed and sealed, why should Sir Tunbelly make us stay a
week for a wedding-dinner?
_Nurse. _ But if you should be married now, what will you do
when Sir Tunbelly calls for you to be married?
_Miss Hoyd. _ Why then we will be married again.
_Nurse. _ What twice, my child?
_Miss Hoyd. _ Ecod, I don't care how often I'm married, not
I.
_Nurse. _ Well, I'm such a tender-hearted fool, I find I can
refuse you nothing. So you shall e'en follow your own inventions.
_Miss Hoyd. _ Shall I? O Lord, I could leap over the moon!
_Fash. _ Dear nurse, this goodness of yours shall be still
more rewarded. But now you must employ your power with the
chaplain, that he may do this friendly office too, and then we
shall be all happy. Do you think you can prevail with him?
_Nurse. _ Prevail with him! or he shall never prevail with
me, I can tell him that.
_Fash. _ I'm glad to hear it; however, to strengthen your
interest with him, you may let him know I have several fat
livings in my gift, and that the first that falls shall be in
your disposal.
_Nurse. _ Nay, then, I'll make him marry more folks than one,
I'll promise him!
_Miss Hoyd. _ Faith, do, nurse, make him marry you too; I'm
sure he'll do't for a fat living.
_Fash. _ Well, nurse, while you go and settle matters with
him, your lady and I will go and take a walk in the garden. --
[_Exit_ NURSE. ] Come, madam, dare you venture yourself alone
with me? [_Takes_ MISS HOYDEN _by the hand. ]
Miss Hoyd. _ Oh dear, yes, sir; I don't think you'll do
anythink to me, I need be afraid on. [_Exeunt. _]

SCENE II. --AMANDA's _Dressing-room. _
_Enter_ AMANDA _followed by her_ MAID.
_Maid. _ If you please, madam, only to say whether you'll
have me buy them or not?
_Aman. _ Yes--no--Go, teaser; I care not what you do.
Pr'ythee, leave me. [_Exit_ MAID. ]
_Enter_ BERINTHIA.
_Ber. _ What, in the name of Jove, is the matter with you?
_Aman. _ The matter, Berinthia! I'm almost mad; I'm plagued
to death.
_Ber. _ Who is it that plagues you?
_Aman. _ Who do you think should plague a wife but her
husband?
_Ber. _ O, ho! is it come to that? --We shall have you wish
yourself a widow, by-and-by.
_Aman. _ Would I were anything but what I am! A base,
ungrateful man, to use me thus!
_Ber. _ What, has he given you fresh reason to suspect his
wandering?
_Aman. _ Every hour gives me reason.
_Ber. _ And yet, Amanda, you perhaps at this moment cause in
another's breast the same tormenting doubts and jealousies which
you feel so sensibly yourself.
_Aman. _ Heaven knows I would not.
_Ber. _ Why, you can't tell but there may be some one as
tenderly attached to Townly, whom you boast of as your conquest,
as you can be to your husband?
_Aman. _ I'm sure, I never encouraged his pretensions.
_Ber. _ Psha! psha! no sensible man ever perseveres to love
without encouragement. Why have you not treated him as you have
Lord Foppington?
_Aman. _ Because he presumed not so far. But let us drop the
subject. Men, not women, are riddles. Mr. Loveless now follows
some flirt for variety, whom I'm sure he does not like so well as
he does me.
_Ber. _ That's more than you know, madam.
_Aman. _ Why, do you know the ugly thing?
_Ber. _ I think I can guess at the person; but she's no such
ugly thing neither.