J
[Illustration]
J was a jackdaw
Who hopped up and down
In the principal street
Of a neighboring town.
[Illustration]
J was a jackdaw
Who hopped up and down
In the principal street
Of a neighboring town.
Lear - Nonsense
"
[Illustration]
And so, in truth, it was: and they soon found that what they had taken for
an immense wig was in reality the top of the Cauliflower; and that he had
no feet at all, being able to walk tolerably well with a fluctuating and
graceful movement on a single cabbage-stalk,--an accomplishment which
naturally saved him the expense of stockings and shoes.
Presently, while the whole party from the boat was gazing at him with
mingled affection and disgust, he suddenly arose, and, in a somewhat
plumdomphious manner, hurried off towards the setting sun,--his steps
supported by two superincumbent confidential Cucumbers, and a large number
of Waterwagtails proceeding in advance of him by three and three in a
row,--till he finally disappeared on the brink of the western sky in a
crystal cloud of sudorific sand.
[Illustration]
So remarkable a sight, of course, impressed the four children very deeply;
and they returned immediately to their boat with a strong sense of
undeveloped asthma and a great appetite.
Shortly after this, the travellers were obliged to sail directly below some
high overhanging rocks, from the top of one of which a particularly odious
little boy, dressed in rose-colored knickerbockers, and with a pewter plate
upon his head, threw an enormous pumpkin at the boat, by which it was
instantly upset.
[Illustration]
But this upsetting was of no consequence, because all the party knew how to
swim very well: and, in fact, they preferred swimming about till after the
moon rose; when, the water growing chilly, they sponge-taneously entered
the boat. Meanwhile the Quangle-Wangle threw back the pumpkin with immense
force, so that it hit the rocks where the malicious little boy in
rose-colored knickerbockers was sitting; when, being quite full of
lucifer-matches, the pumpkin exploded surreptitiously into a thousand bits;
whereon the rocks instantly took fire, and the odious little boy became
unpleasantly hotter and hotter and hotter, till his knickerbockers were
turned quite green, and his nose was burnt off.
Two or three days after this had happened, they came to another place,
where they found nothing at all except some wide and deep pits full of
mulberry-jam. This is the property of the tiny, yellow-nosed Apes who
abound in these districts, and who store up the mulberry-jam for their food
in winter, when they mix it with pellucid pale periwinkle-soup, and serve
it out in wedgewood china-bowls, which grow freely all over that part of
the country. Only one of the yellow-nosed Apes was on the spot, and he was
fast asleep; yet the four travellers and the Quangle-Wangle and Pussy were
so terrified by the violence and sanguinary sound of his snoring, that they
merely took a small cupful of the jam, and returned to re-embark in their
boat without delay.
What was their horror on seeing the boat (including the churn and the
tea-kettle) in the mouth of an enormous Seeze Pyder, an aquatic and
ferocious creature truly dreadful to behold, and, happily, only met with in
those excessive longitudes! In a moment, the beautiful boat was bitten into
fifty-five thousand million hundred billion bits; and it instantly became
quite clear that Violet, Slingsby, Guy, and Lionel could no longer
preliminate their voyage by sea.
The four travellers were therefore obliged to resolve on pursuing their
wanderings by land: and, very fortunately, there happened to pass by at
that moment an elderly Rhinoceros, on which they seized; and, all four
mounting on his back,--the Quangle-Wangle sitting on his horn, and holding
on by his ears, and the Pussy-Cat swinging at the end of his tail,--they
set off, having only four small beans and three pounds of mashed potatoes
to last through their whole journey.
[Illustration]
They were, however, able to catch numbers of the chickens and turkeys and
other birds who incessantly alighted on the head of the Rhinoceros for the
purpose of gathering the seeds of the rhododendron-plants which grew
there; and these creatures they cooked in the most translucent and
satisfactory manner by means of a fire lighted on the end of the
Rhinoceros's back. A crowd of Kangaroos and gigantic Cranes accompanied
them, from feelings of curiosity and complacency; so that they were never
at a loss for company, and went onward, as it were, in a sort of profuse
and triumphant procession.
Thus in less than eighteen weeks they all arrived safely at home, where
they were received by their admiring relatives with joy tempered with
contempt, and where they finally resolved to carry out the rest of their
travelling-plans at some more favorable opportunity.
As for the Rhinoceros, in token of their grateful adherence, they had him
killed and stuffed directly, and then set him up outside the door of their
father's house as a diaphanous doorscraper.
[Illustration]
THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN FAMILIES OF
THE LAKE PIPPLE-POPPLE.
CHAPTER I.
INTRODUCTORY.
In former days,--that is to say, once upon a time,--there lived in the Land
of Gramble-Blamble seven families. They lived by the side of the great Lake
Pipple-Popple (one of the seven families, indeed, lived _in_ the lake), and
on the outskirts of the city of Tosh, which, excepting when it was quite
dark, they could see plainly. The names of all these places you have
probably heard of; and you have only not to look in your geography-books to
find out all about them.
Now, the seven families who lived on the borders of the great Lake
Pipple-Popple were as follows in the next chapter.
CHAPTER II.
THE SEVEN FAMILIES.
There was a family of two old Parrots and seven young Parrots.
[Illustration]
There was a family of two old Storks and seven young Storks.
[Illustration]
There was a family of two old Geese and seven young Geese.
[Illustration]
There was a family of two old Owls and seven young Owls.
[Illustration]
There was a family of two old Guinea Pigs and seven young Guinea Pigs.
[Illustration]
There was a family of two old Cats and seven young Cats.
[Illustration]
And there was a family of two old Fishes and seven young Fishes.
[Illustration]
CHAPTER III.
THE HABITS OF THE SEVEN FAMILIES.
The Parrots lived upon the Soffsky-Poffsky trees, which were beautiful to
behold, and covered with blue leaves; and they fed upon fruit, artichokes,
and striped beetles.
The Storks walked in and out of the Lake Pipple-Popple, and ate frogs for
breakfast, and buttered toast for tea; but on account of the extreme length
of their legs they could not sit down, and so they walked about
continually.
The Geese, having webs to their feet, caught quantities of flies, which
they ate for dinner.
The Owls anxiously looked after mice, which they caught, and made into
sago-puddings.
The Guinea Pigs toddled about the gardens, and ate lettuces and Cheshire
cheese.
The Cats sate still in the sunshine, and fed upon sponge biscuits.
The Fishes lived in the lake, and fed chiefly on boiled periwinkles.
And all these seven families lived together in the utmost fun and felicity.
CHAPTER IV.
THE CHILDREN OF THE SEVEN FAMILIES ARE SENT AWAY.
One day all the seven fathers and the seven mothers of the seven families
agreed that they would send their children out to see the world.
So they called them all together, and gave them each eight shillings and
some good advice, some chocolate-drops, and a small green morocco
pocket-book to set down their expenses in.
They then particularly entreated them not to quarrel; and all the parents
sent off their children with a parting injunction.
"If," said the old Parrots, "you find a cherry, do not fight about who
should have it. "
"And," said the old Storks, "if you find a frog, divide it carefully into
seven bits, but on no account quarrel about it. "
And the old Geese said to the seven young Geese, "Whatever you do, be sure
you do not touch a plum-pudding flea. "
And the old Owls said, "If you find a mouse, tear him up into seven slices,
and eat him cheerfully, but without quarrelling. "
And the old Guinea Pigs said, "Have a care that you eat your lettuces,
should you find any, not greedily, but calmly. "
And the old Cats said, "Be particularly careful not to meddle with a
clangle-wangle if you should see one. "
And the old Fishes said, "Above all things, avoid eating a blue boss-woss;
for they do not agree with fishes, and give them a pain in their toes. "
So all the children of each family thanked their parents; and, making in
all forty-nine polite bows, they went into the wide world.
CHAPTER V.
THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG PARROTS.
The seven young Parrots had not gone far, when they saw a tree with a
single cherry on it, which the oldest Parrot picked instantly; but the
other six, being extremely hungry, tried to get it also. On which all the
seven began to fight; and they
scuffled,
and huffled,
and ruffled,
and shuffled,
and puffled,
and muffled,
and buffled,
and duffled,
and fluffled,
and guffled,
and bruffled,
and screamed, and shrieked, and squealed,
and squeaked, and clawed, and snapped, and bit, and bumped, and thumped,
and dumped, and flumped each other, till they were all torn into little
bits; and at last there was nothing left to record this painful incident
except the cherry and seven small green feathers.
And that was the vicious and voluble end of the seven young Parrots.
[Illustration]
CHAPTER VI.
THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG STORKS.
When the seven young Storks set out, they walked or flew for fourteen weeks
in a straight line, and for six weeks more in a crooked one; and after that
they ran as hard as they could for one hundred and eight miles; and after
that they stood still, and made a himmeltanious chatter-clatter-blattery
noise with their bills.
About the same time they perceived a large frog, spotted with green, and
with a sky-blue stripe under each ear.
So, being hungry, they immediately flew at him, and were going to divide
him into seven pieces, when they began to quarrel as to which of his legs
should be taken off first. One said this, and another said that; and while
they were all quarrelling, the frog hopped away. And when they saw that he
was gone, they began to
chatter-clatter,
blatter-platter,
patter-blatter,
matter-clatter,
flatter-quatter,
more violently than ever; and after they
had fought for a week, they pecked each other all to little pieces, so that
at last nothing was left of any of them except their bills.
And that was the end of the seven young Storks.
[Illustration]
CHAPTER VII.
THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG GEESE.
When the seven young Geese began to travel, they went over a large plain,
on which there was but one tree, and that was, a very bad one.
So four of them went up to the top of it, and looked about them; while the
other three waddled up and down, and repeated poetry, and their last six
lessons in arithmetic, geography, and cookery.
Presently they perceived, a long way off, an object of the most interesting
and obese appearance, having a perfectly round body exactly resembling a
boiled plum-pudding, with two little wings, and a beak, and three feathers
growing out of his head, and only one leg.
So, after a time, all the seven young Geese said to each other, "Beyond all
doubt this beast must be a Plum-pudding Flea! "
On which they incautiously began to sing aloud,
"Plum-pudding Flea,
Plum-pudding Flea,
Wherever you be,
Oh! come to our tree,
And listen, oh! listen, oh! listen to me! "
And no sooner had they sung this verse than the Plum-pudding Flea began to
hop and skip on his one leg with the most dreadful velocity, and came
straight to the tree, where he stopped, and looked about him in a vacant
and voluminous manner.
On which the seven young Geese were greatly alarmed, and all of a
tremble-bemble: so one of them put out his long neck, and just touched him
with the tip of his bill; but no sooner had he done this than the
Plum-pudding Flea skipped and hopped about more and more, and higher and
higher; after which he opened his mouth, and, to the great surprise and
indignation of the seven Geese, began to bark so loudly and furiously and
terribly, that they were totally unable to bear the noise; and by degrees
every one of them suddenly tumbled down quite dead.
So that was the end of the seven young Geese.
[Illustration]
CHAPTER VIII.
THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG OWLS.
When the seven young Owls set out, they sate every now and then on the
branches of old trees, and never went far at one time.
And one night, when it was quite dark, they thought they heard a mouse;
but, as the gas-lamps were not lighted, they could not see him.
So they called out, "Is that a mouse? "
On which a mouse answered, "Squeaky-peeky-weeky! yes, it is! "
And immediately all the young Owls threw themselves off the tree, meaning
to alight on the ground; but they did not perceive that there was a large
well below them, into which they all fell superficially, and were every one
of them drowned in less than half a minute.
So that was the end of the seven young Owls.
[Illustration]
CHAPTER IX.
THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG GUINEA PIGS.
The seven young Guinea Pigs went into a garden full of goose-berry-bushes
and tiggory-trees, under one of which they fell asleep. When they awoke,
they saw a large lettuce, which had grown out of the ground while they had
been sleeping, and which had an immense number of green leaves. At which
they all exclaimed,--
"Lettuce! O lettuce
Let us, O let us,
O lettuce-leaves,
O let us leave this tree, and eat
Lettuce, O let us, lettuce-leaves! "
And instantly the seven young Guinea Pigs rushed with such extreme force
against the lettuce-plant, and hit their heads so vividly against its
stalk, that the concussion brought on directly an incipient transitional
inflammation of their noses, which grew worse and worse and worse and
worse, till it incidentally killed them all seven.
And that was the end of the seven young Guinea Pigs.
[Illustration]
CHAPTER X.
THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG CATS.
The seven young Cats set off on their travels with great delight and
rapacity. But, on coming to the top of a high hill, they perceived at a
long distance off a Clangle-Wangle (or, as it is more properly written,
Clangel-Wangel); and, in spite of the warning they had had, they ran
straight up to it.
(Now, the Clangle-Wangle is a most dangerous and delusive beast, and by no
means commonly to be met with. They live in the water as well as on land,
using their long tail as a sail when in the former element. Their speed is
extreme; but their habits of life are domestic and superfluous, and their
general demeanor pensive and pellucid. On summer evenings, they may
sometimes be observed near the Lake Pipple-Popple, standing on their heads,
and humming their national melodies. They subsist entirely on vegetables,
excepting when they eat veal or mutton or pork or beef or fish or
saltpetre. )
The moment the Clangle-Wangle saw the seven young Cats approach, he ran
away; and as he ran straight on for four months, and the Cats, though they
continued to run, could never overtake him, they all gradually _died_ of
fatigue and exhaustion, and never afterwards recovered.
And this was the end of the seven young Cats.
[Illustration]
CHAPTER XI.
THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG FISHES.
The seven young Fishes swam across the Lake Pipple-Popple, and into the
river, and into the ocean; where, most unhappily for them, they saw, on the
fifteenth day of their travels, a bright-blue Boss-Woss, and instantly swam
after him. But the Blue Boss-Woss plunged into a
perpendicular,
spicular,
orbicular,
quadrangular,
circular depth of soft mud;
where, in fact, his house was.
And the seven young Fishes, swimming with great and uncomfortable velocity,
plunged also into the mud quite against their will, and, not being
accustomed to it, were all suffocated in a very short period.
And that was the end of the seven young Fishes.
[Illustration]
CHAPTER XII.
OF WHAT OCCURRED SUBSEQUENTLY.
After it was known that the
seven young Parrots,
and the seven young Storks,
and the seven young Geese,
and the seven young Owls,
and the seven young Guinea Pigs,
and the seven young Cats,
and the seven young Fishes,
were all dead, then the Frog, and the Plum-pudding Flea, and the Mouse, and
the Clangle-Wangle, and the Blue Boss-Woss, all met together to rejoice
over their good fortune. And they collected the seven feathers of the seven
young Parrots, and the seven bills of the seven young Storks, and the
lettuce, and the cherry; and having placed the latter on the lettuce, and
the other objects in a circular arrangement at their base, they danced a
hornpipe round all these memorials until they were quite tired; after which
they gave a tea-party, and a garden-party, and a ball, and a concert, and
then returned to their respective homes full of joy and respect, sympathy,
satisfaction, and disgust.
[Illustration]
CHAPTER XIII.
OF WHAT BECAME OF THE PARENTS OF THE FORTY-NINE CHILDREN.
BUT when the two old Parrots,
and the two old Storks,
and the two old Geese,
and the two old Owls,
and the two old Guinea Pigs,
and the two old Cats,
and the two old Fishes,
became aware, by reading in the newspapers, of the calamitous extinction of
the whole of their families, they refused all further sustenance; and,
sending out to various shops, they purchased great quantities of Cayenne
pepper and brandy and vinegar and blue sealing-wax, besides seven immense
glass bottles with air-tight stoppers. And, having done this, they ate a
light supper of brown-bread and Jerusalem artichokes, and took an
affecting and formal leave of the whole of their acquaintance, which was
very numerous and distinguished and select and responsible and ridiculous.
CHAPTER XIV.
CONCLUSION.
And after this they filled the bottles with the ingredients for pickling,
and each couple jumped into a separate bottle; by which effort, of course,
they all died immediately, and became thoroughly pickled in a few minutes;
having previously made their wills (by the assistance of the most eminent
lawyers of the district), in which they left strict orders that the
stoppers of the seven bottles should be carefully sealed up with the blue
sealing-wax they had purchased; and that they themselves, in the bottles,
should be presented to the principal museum of the city of Tosh, to be
labelled with parchment or any other anti-congenial succedaneum, and to be
placed on a marble table with silver-gilt legs, for the daily inspection
and contemplation, and for the perpetual benefit, of the pusillanimous
public.
And if you ever happen to go to Gramble-Blamble, and visit that museum in
the city of Tosh, look for them on the ninety-eighth table in the four
hundred and twenty-seventh room of the right-hand corridor of the left wing
of the central quadrangle of that magnificent building; for, if you do not,
you certainly will not see them.
[Illustration]
* * * * *
NONSENSE COOKERY.
Extract from "The Nonsense Gazette," for August, 1870.
"Our readers will be interested in the following communications from our
valued and learned contributor, Prof. Bosh, whose labors in the fields of
culinary and botanical science are so well known to all the world. The
first three articles richly merit to be added to the domestic cookery of
every family: those which follow claim the attention of all botanists; and
we are happy to be able, through Dr. Bosh's kindness, to present our
readers with illustrations of his discoveries. All the new flowers are
found in the Valley of Verrikwier, near the Lake of Oddgrow, and on the
summit of the Hill Orfeltugg. "
THREE RECEIPTS FOR DOMESTIC COOKERY.
TO MAKE AN AMBLONGUS PIE.
Take 4 pounds (say 4-1/2 pounds) of fresh Amblongusses, and put them in a
small pipkin.
Cover them with water, and boil them for 8 hours incessantly; after which
add 2 pints of new milk, and proceed to boil for 4 hours more.
When you have ascertained that the Amblongusses are quite soft, take them
out, and place them in a wide pan, taking care to shake them well
previously.
Grate some nutmeg over the surface, and cover them carefully with powdered
gingerbread, curry-powder, and a sufficient quantity of Cayenne pepper.
Remove the pan into the next room, and place it on the floor. Bring it back
again, and let it simmer for three-quarters of an hour. Shake the pan
violently till all the Amblongusses have become of a pale purple color.
Then, having prepared the paste, insert the whole carefully; adding at the
same time a small pigeon, 2 slices of beef, 4 cauliflowers, and any number
of oysters.
Watch patiently till the crust begins to rise, and add a pinch of salt from
time to time.
Serve up in a clean dish, and throw the whole out of window as fast as
possible.
TO MAKE CRUMBOBBLIOUS CUTLETS.
Procure some strips of beef, and, having cut them into the smallest
possible slices, proceed to cut them still smaller,--eight, or perhaps
nine times.
When the whole is thus minced, brush it up hastily with a new
clothes-brush, and stir round rapidly and capriciously with a salt-spoon
or a soup-ladle.
Place the whole in a saucepan, and remove it to a sunny place,--say the
roof of the house, if free from sparrows or other birds,--and leave it
there for about a week.
At the end of that time add a little lavender, some oil of almonds, and a
few herring-bones; and then cover the whole with 4 gallons of clarified
Crumbobblious sauce, when it will be ready for use.
Cut it into the shape of ordinary cutlets, and serve up in a clean
table-cloth or dinner-napkin.
TO MAKE GOSKY PATTIES.
Take a pig three or four years of age, and tie him by the off hind-leg to a
post. Place 5 pounds of currants, 3 of sugar, 2 pecks of peas, 18 roast
chestnuts, a candle, and 6 bushels of turnips, within his reach: if he eats
these, constantly provide him with more.
Then procure some cream, some slices of Cheshire cheese, 4 quires of
foolscap paper, and a packet of black pins. Work the whole into a paste,
and spread it out to dry on a sheet of clean brown waterproof linen.
When the paste is perfectly dry, but not before, proceed to beat the pig
violently with the handle of a large broom. If he squeals, beat him again.
Visit the paste and beat the pig alternately for some days, and ascertain
if, at the end of that period, the whole is about to turn into Gosky
Patties.
If it does not then, it never will; and in that case the pig may be let
loose, and the whole process may be considered as finished.
* * * * *
NONSENSE BOTANY.
[Illustration: Baccopipia Gracilis. ]
[Illustration: Bottlephorkia Spoonifolia. ]
[Illustration: Cockatooca Superba. ]
[Illustration: Fishia Marina. ]
[Illustration: Guittara Pensilis. ]
[Illustration: Manypeeplia Upsidownia. ]
[Illustration: Phattfacia Stupenda. ]
[Illustration: Piggiwiggia Pyramidalis. ]
[Illustration: Plumbunnia Nutritiosa. ]
[Illustration: Pollybirdia Singularis. ]
* * * * *
NONSENSE ALPHABETS.
A
[Illustration]
A was an ant
Who seldom stood still,
And who made a nice house
In the side of a hill.
a!
Nice little ant!
B
[Illustration]
B was a book
With a binding of blue,
And pictures and stories
For me and for you.
b!
Nice little book!
C
[Illustration]
C was a cat
Who ran after a rat;
But his courage did fail
When she seized on his tail.
c!
Crafty old cat!
D
[Illustration]
D was a duck
With spots on his back,
Who lived in the water,
And always said "Quack! "
d!
Dear little duck!
E
[Illustration]
E was an elephant,
Stately and wise:
He had tusks and a trunk,
And two queer little eyes.
e!
Oh, what funny small eyes!
F
[Illustration]
F was a fish
Who was caught in a net;
But he got out again,
And is quite alive yet.
f!
Lively young fish!
G
[Illustration]
G was a goat
Who was spotted with brown:
When he did not lie still
He walked up and down.
g!
Good little goat!
H
[Illustration]
H was a hat
Which was all on one side;
Its crown was too high,
And its brim was too wide.
h!
Oh, what a hat!
I
[Illustration]
I was some ice
So white and so nice,
But which nobody tasted;
And so it was wasted.
i!
All that good ice!
J
[Illustration]
J was a jackdaw
Who hopped up and down
In the principal street
Of a neighboring town.
j!
All through the town!
K
[Illustration]
K was a kite
Which flew out of sight,
Above houses so high,
Quite into the sky.
k
Fly away, kite!
L
[Illustration]
L was a light
Which burned all the night,
And lighted the gloom
Of a very dark room.
l!
Useful nice light!
M
[Illustration]
M was a mill
Which stood on a hill,
And turned round and round
With a loud hummy sound.
m!
Useful old mill!
N
[Illustration]
N was a net
Which was thrown in the sea
To catch fish for dinner
For you and for me.
n!
Nice little net!
O
[Illustration]
O was an orange
So yellow and round:
When it fell off the tree,
It fell down to the ground.
o!
Down to the ground!
P
[Illustration]
P was a pig,
Who was not very big;
But his tail was too curly,
And that made him surly.
p!
Cross little pig!
Q
[Illustration]
Q was a quail
With a very short tail;
And he fed upon corn
In the evening and morn.
q!
Quaint little quail!
R
[Illustration]
R was a rabbit,
Who had a bad habit
Of eating the flowers
In gardens and bowers.
r!
Naughty fat rabbit!
S
[Illustration]
S was the sugar-tongs,
Nippity-nee,
To take up the sugar
To put in our tea.
s!
Nippity-nee!
T
[Illustration]
T was a tortoise,
All yellow and black:
He walked slowly away,
And he never came back.
t!
Torty never came back!
U
[Illustration]
U was an urn
All polished and bright,
And full of hot water
At noon and at night.
u!
Useful old urn!
V
[Illustration]
V was a villa
Which stood on a hill,
By the side of a river,
And close to a mill.
v!
Nice little villa!
W
[Illustration]
W was a whale
With a very long tail,
Whose movements were frantic
Across the Atlantic.
w!
Monstrous old whale!
X
[Illustration]
X was King Xerxes,
Who, more than all Turks, is
Renowned for his fashion
Of fury and passion.
x!
Angry old Xerxes!
Y
[Illustration]
Y was a yew,
Which flourished and grew
By a quiet abode
Near the side of a road.
y!
Dark little yew!
Z
[Illustration]
Z was some zinc,
So shiny and bright,
Which caused you to wink
In the sun's merry light.
z!
Beautiful zinc!
A
[Illustration]
a
A was once an apple-pie,
Pidy,
Widy,
Tidy,
Pidy,
Nice insidy,
Apple-pie!
B
[Illustration]
b
B was once a little bear,
Beary,
Wary,
Hairy,
Beary,
Taky cary,
Little bear!
C
[Illustration]
c
C was once a little cake,
Caky,
Baky,
Maky,
Caky,
Taky caky,
Little cake!
D
[Illustration]
d
D was once a little doll,
Dolly,
Molly,
Polly,
Nolly,
Nursy dolly,
Little doll!
E
[Illustration]
e
E was once a little eel,
Eely,
Weely,
Peely,
Eely,
Twirly, tweely,
Little eel!
F
[Illustration]
f
F was once a little fish,
Fishy,
Wishy,
Squishy,
Fishy,
In a dishy,
Little fish!
G
[Illustration]
g
G was once a little goose,
Goosy,
Moosy,
Boosey,
Goosey,
Waddly-woosy,
Little goose!
H
[Illustration]
h
H was once a little hen,
Henny,
Chenny,
Tenny,
Henny.
Eggsy-any,
Little hen?
I
[Illustration]
i
I was once a bottle of ink
Inky,
Dinky,
Thinky,
Inky,
Blacky minky,
Bottle of ink!
J
[Illustration]
j
J was once a jar of jam,
Jammy,
Mammy,
Clammy,
Jammy,
Sweety, swammy,
Jar of jam!
K
[Illustration]
k
K was once a little kite,
Kity,
Whity,
Flighty,
Kity,
Out of sighty,
Little kite!
L
[Illustration]
l
L was once a little lark,
Larky,
Marky,
Harky,
Larky,
In the parky,
Little lark!
M
[Illustration]
m
M was once a little mouse,
Mousy,
Bousy,
Sousy,
Mousy,
In the housy,
Little mouse!
N
[Illustration]
n
N was once a little needle,
Needly,
Tweedly,
Threedly,
Needly,
Wisky, wheedly,
Little needle!
O
[Illustration]
o
O was once a little owl,
Owly,
Prowly,
Howly,
Owly,
Browny fowly,
Little owl!
P
[Illustration]
p
P was once a little pump,
Pumpy,
Slumpy,
Flumpy,
Pumpy,
Dumpy, thumpy,
Little pump!
Q
[Illustration]
q
Q was once a little quail,
Quaily,
Faily,
Daily,
Quaily,
Stumpy-taily,
Little quail!
R
[Illustration]
r
R was once a little rose,
Rosy,
Posy,
Nosy,
Rosy,
Blows-y, grows-y,
Little rose!
S
[Illustration]
s
S was once a little shrimp,
Shrimpy,
Nimpy,
Flimpy,
Shrimpy.
Jumpy, jimpy,
Little shrimp!
T
[Illustration]
t
T was once a little thrush,
Thrushy,
Hushy,
Bushy,
Thrushy,
Flitty, flushy,
Little thrush!
U
[Illustration]
u
U was once a little urn,
Urny,
Burny,
Turny,
Urny,
Bubbly, burny,
Little urn!
V
[Illustration]
v
V was once a little vine,
Viny,
Winy,
Twiny,
Viny,
Twisty-twiny,
Little vine!
W
[Illustration]
w
W was once a whale,
Whaly,
Scaly,
Shaly,
Whaly,
Tumbly-taily,
Mighty whale!
X
[Illustration]
x
X was once a great king Xerxes,
Xerxy,
Perxy,
Turxy,
Xerxy,
Linxy, lurxy,
Great King Xerxes!
Y
[Illustration]
y
Y was once a little yew,
Yewdy,
Fewdy,
Crudy,
Yewdy,
Growdy, grewdy,
Little yew!
Z
[Illustration]
z
Z was once a piece of zinc,
Tinky,
Winky,
Blinky,
Tinky,
Tinkly minky,
Piece of zinc!
A
[Illustration]
A was an ape,
Who stole some white tape,
And tied up his toes
In four beautiful bows.
a!
Funny old ape!
B
[Illustration]
B was a bat,
Who slept all the day,
And fluttered about
When the sun went away.
b!
Brown little bat!
C
[Illustration]
C was a camel:
You rode on his hump;
And if you fell off,
You came down such a bump!
c!
What a high camel!
D
[Illustration]
D was a dove,
Who lived in a wood,
With such pretty soft wings,
And so gentle and good!
d!
Dear little dove!
E
[Illustration]
E was an eagle,
Who sat on the rocks,
And looked down on the fields
And the-far-away flocks.
e!
Beautiful eagle!
F
[Illustration]
F was a fan
Made of beautiful stuff;
And when it was used,
It went puffy-puff-puff!
f!
Nice little fan!
G
[Illustration]
G was a gooseberry,
Perfectly red;
To be made into jam,
And eaten with bread.
g!
Gooseberry red!
H
[Illustration]
H was a heron,
Who stood in a stream:
The length of his neck
And his legs was extreme.
h!
Long-legged heron!
I
[Illustration]
I was an inkstand,
Which stood on a table,
With a nice pen to write with
When we are able.
i!
Neat little inkstand!
J
[Illustration]
J was a jug,
So pretty and white,
With fresh water in it
At morning and night.
j!
Nice little jug!
K
[Illustration]
K was a kingfisher:
Quickly he flew,
So bright and so pretty! --
Green, purple, and blue.
k!
Kingfisher blue!
L
[Illustration]
L was a lily,
So white and so sweet!
To see it and smell it
Was quite a nice treat.
l!
Beautiful lily!
M
[Illustration]
M was a man,
Who walked round and round;
And he wore a long coat
That came down to the ground.
m!
Funny old man!
N
[Illustration]
N was a nut
So smooth and so brown!
And when it was ripe,
It fell tumble-dum-down.
n!
Nice little nut!
O
[Illustration]
O was an oyster,
Who lived in his shell:
If you let him alone,
He felt perfectly well.
o!
Open-mouthed oyster!
P
[Illustration]
P was a polly,
All red, blue, and green,--
The most beautiful polly
That ever was seen.
p!
Poor little polly!
Q
[Illustration]
Q was a quill
Made into a pen;
But I do not know where,
And I cannot say when.
q!
Nice little quill!
R
[Illustration]
R was a rattlesnake,
Rolled up so tight,
Those who saw him ran quickly,
For fear he should bite.
r!
Rattlesnake bite!
S
[Illustration]
S was a screw
To screw down a box;
And then it was fastened
Without any locks.
s!
Valuable screw!
T
[Illustration]
T was a thimble,
Of silver so bright!
When placed on the finger,
It fitted so tight!
t!
Nice little thimble!
U
[Illustration]
U was an upper-coat,
Woolly and warm,
To wear over all
In the snow or the storm.
u!
What a nice upper-coat!
V
[Illustration]
V was a veil
With a border upon it,
And a ribbon to tie it
All round a pink bonnet.
v!
Pretty green veil!
W
[Illustration]
W was a watch,
Where, in letters of gold,
The hour of the day
You might always behold.
w!
Beautiful watch!
X
[Illustration]
X was King Xerxes,
Who wore on his head
A mighty large turban,
Green, yellow, and red.
x!
Look at King Xerxes!
Y
[Illustration]
Y was a yak,
From the land of Thibet:
Except his white tail,
He was all black as jet.
y!
Look at the yak!
Z
[Illustration]
Z was a zebra,
All striped white and black;
And if he were tame,
You might ride on his back.
z!
Pretty striped zebra!
* * * * *
MORE NONSENSE
Pictures, Rhymes, Botany, etc.
by
EDWARD LEAR
[Illustration]
CONTENTS.
NONSENSE BOTANY
ONE HUNDRED NONSENSE PICTURES AND RHYMES
TWENTY-SIX NONSENSE RHYMES AND PICTURES
[Illustration]
INTRODUCTION.
In offering this little book--the third of its kind--to the public, I am
glad to take the opportunity of recording the pleasure I have received at
the appreciation its predecessors have met with, as attested by their wide
circulation, and by the universally kind notices of them from the Press. To
have been the means of administering innocent mirth to thousands, may
surely be a just motive for satisfaction, and an excuse for grateful
expression.
At the same time, I am desirous of adding a few words as to the history of
the two previously published volumes, and more particularly of the first or
original "Book of Nonsense," relating to which many absurd reports have
crept into circulation, such as that it was the composition of the late
Lord Brougham, the late Earl of Derby, etc. ; that the rhymes and pictures
are by different persons; or that the whole have a symbolical meaning,
etc. ; whereas, every one of the Rhymes was composed by myself, and every
one of the Illustrations drawn by my own hand at the time the verses were
made. Moreover, in no portion of these Nonsense drawings have I ever
allowed any caricature of private or public persons to appear, and
throughout, more care than might be supposed has been given to make the
subjects incapable of misinterpretation: "Nonsense," pure and absolute,
having been my aim throughout.
As for the persistently absurd report of the late Earl of Derby being the
author of the "First Book of Nonsense," I may relate an incident which
occurred to me four summers ago, the first that gave me any insight into
the origin of the rumor.
I was on my way from London to Guildford, in a railway carriage,
containing, besides myself, one passenger, an elderly gentleman: presently,
however, two ladies entered, accompanied by two little boys. These, who had
just had a copy of the "Book of Nonsense" given them, were loud in their
delight, and by degrees infected the whole party with their mirth.
"How grateful," said the old gentleman to the two ladies, "all children,
and parents too, ought to be to the statesman who has given his time to
composing that charming book! "
(The ladies looked puzzled, as indeed was I, the author. )
"Do you not know who is the writer of it? " asked the gentleman.
"The name is 'Edward Lear,'" said one of the ladies.
"Ah! " said the first speaker, "so it is printed; but that is only a whim of
the real author, the Earl of Derby. 'Edward' is his Christian name, and, as
you may see, LEAR is only EARL transposed. "
"But," said the lady, doubtingly, "here is a dedication to the
great-grandchildren, grand-nephews, and grand-nieces of Edward, thirteenth
Earl of Derby, by the author, Edward Lear. "
"That," replied the other, "is simply a piece of mystification; I am in a
position to know that the whole book was composed and illustrated by Lord
Derby himself. In fact, there is no such a person at all as Edward Lear. "
"Yet," said the other lady, "some friends of mine tell me they know Mr.
Lear. "
"Quite a mistake! completely a mistake! " said the old gentleman, becoming
rather angry at the contradiction; "I am well aware of what I am saying: I
can inform you, no such a person as 'Edward Lear' exists! "
Hitherto I had kept silence; but as my hat was, as well as my handkerchief
and stick, largely marked inside with my name, and as I happened to have in
my pocket several letters addressed to me, the temptation was too great to
resist; so, flashing all these articles at once on my would-be
extinguisher's attention, I speedily reduced him to silence.
The second volume of Nonsense, commencing with the verses, "The Owl and the
Pussy-Cat," was written at different times, and for different sets of
children: the whole being collected in the course of last year, were then
illustrated, and published in a single volume, by Mr. R. J. Bush, of 32
Charing Cross.
The contents of the third or present volume were made also at different
intervals in the last two years.
Long years ago, in days when much of my time was passed in a country house,
where children and mirth abounded, the lines beginning, "There was an old
man of Tobago," were suggested to me by a valued friend, as a form of verse
lending itself to limitless variety for rhymes and pictures; and
thenceforth the greater part of the original drawings and verses for the
first "Book of Nonsense" were struck off with a pen, no assistance ever
having been given me in any way but that of uproarious delight and welcome
at the appearance of every new absurdity.
Most of these Drawings and Rhymes were transferred to lithographic stones
in the year 1846, and were then first published by Mr. Thomas McLean, of
the Haymarket. But that edition having been soon exhausted, and the call
for the "Book of Nonsense" continuing, I added a considerable number of
subjects to those previously-published, and having caused the whole to be
carefully reproduced in woodcuts by Messrs. Dalzell, I disposed of the
copyright to Messrs. Routledge and Warne, by whom the volume was published
in 1843.
EDWARD LEAR.
[Illustration]
And so, in truth, it was: and they soon found that what they had taken for
an immense wig was in reality the top of the Cauliflower; and that he had
no feet at all, being able to walk tolerably well with a fluctuating and
graceful movement on a single cabbage-stalk,--an accomplishment which
naturally saved him the expense of stockings and shoes.
Presently, while the whole party from the boat was gazing at him with
mingled affection and disgust, he suddenly arose, and, in a somewhat
plumdomphious manner, hurried off towards the setting sun,--his steps
supported by two superincumbent confidential Cucumbers, and a large number
of Waterwagtails proceeding in advance of him by three and three in a
row,--till he finally disappeared on the brink of the western sky in a
crystal cloud of sudorific sand.
[Illustration]
So remarkable a sight, of course, impressed the four children very deeply;
and they returned immediately to their boat with a strong sense of
undeveloped asthma and a great appetite.
Shortly after this, the travellers were obliged to sail directly below some
high overhanging rocks, from the top of one of which a particularly odious
little boy, dressed in rose-colored knickerbockers, and with a pewter plate
upon his head, threw an enormous pumpkin at the boat, by which it was
instantly upset.
[Illustration]
But this upsetting was of no consequence, because all the party knew how to
swim very well: and, in fact, they preferred swimming about till after the
moon rose; when, the water growing chilly, they sponge-taneously entered
the boat. Meanwhile the Quangle-Wangle threw back the pumpkin with immense
force, so that it hit the rocks where the malicious little boy in
rose-colored knickerbockers was sitting; when, being quite full of
lucifer-matches, the pumpkin exploded surreptitiously into a thousand bits;
whereon the rocks instantly took fire, and the odious little boy became
unpleasantly hotter and hotter and hotter, till his knickerbockers were
turned quite green, and his nose was burnt off.
Two or three days after this had happened, they came to another place,
where they found nothing at all except some wide and deep pits full of
mulberry-jam. This is the property of the tiny, yellow-nosed Apes who
abound in these districts, and who store up the mulberry-jam for their food
in winter, when they mix it with pellucid pale periwinkle-soup, and serve
it out in wedgewood china-bowls, which grow freely all over that part of
the country. Only one of the yellow-nosed Apes was on the spot, and he was
fast asleep; yet the four travellers and the Quangle-Wangle and Pussy were
so terrified by the violence and sanguinary sound of his snoring, that they
merely took a small cupful of the jam, and returned to re-embark in their
boat without delay.
What was their horror on seeing the boat (including the churn and the
tea-kettle) in the mouth of an enormous Seeze Pyder, an aquatic and
ferocious creature truly dreadful to behold, and, happily, only met with in
those excessive longitudes! In a moment, the beautiful boat was bitten into
fifty-five thousand million hundred billion bits; and it instantly became
quite clear that Violet, Slingsby, Guy, and Lionel could no longer
preliminate their voyage by sea.
The four travellers were therefore obliged to resolve on pursuing their
wanderings by land: and, very fortunately, there happened to pass by at
that moment an elderly Rhinoceros, on which they seized; and, all four
mounting on his back,--the Quangle-Wangle sitting on his horn, and holding
on by his ears, and the Pussy-Cat swinging at the end of his tail,--they
set off, having only four small beans and three pounds of mashed potatoes
to last through their whole journey.
[Illustration]
They were, however, able to catch numbers of the chickens and turkeys and
other birds who incessantly alighted on the head of the Rhinoceros for the
purpose of gathering the seeds of the rhododendron-plants which grew
there; and these creatures they cooked in the most translucent and
satisfactory manner by means of a fire lighted on the end of the
Rhinoceros's back. A crowd of Kangaroos and gigantic Cranes accompanied
them, from feelings of curiosity and complacency; so that they were never
at a loss for company, and went onward, as it were, in a sort of profuse
and triumphant procession.
Thus in less than eighteen weeks they all arrived safely at home, where
they were received by their admiring relatives with joy tempered with
contempt, and where they finally resolved to carry out the rest of their
travelling-plans at some more favorable opportunity.
As for the Rhinoceros, in token of their grateful adherence, they had him
killed and stuffed directly, and then set him up outside the door of their
father's house as a diaphanous doorscraper.
[Illustration]
THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN FAMILIES OF
THE LAKE PIPPLE-POPPLE.
CHAPTER I.
INTRODUCTORY.
In former days,--that is to say, once upon a time,--there lived in the Land
of Gramble-Blamble seven families. They lived by the side of the great Lake
Pipple-Popple (one of the seven families, indeed, lived _in_ the lake), and
on the outskirts of the city of Tosh, which, excepting when it was quite
dark, they could see plainly. The names of all these places you have
probably heard of; and you have only not to look in your geography-books to
find out all about them.
Now, the seven families who lived on the borders of the great Lake
Pipple-Popple were as follows in the next chapter.
CHAPTER II.
THE SEVEN FAMILIES.
There was a family of two old Parrots and seven young Parrots.
[Illustration]
There was a family of two old Storks and seven young Storks.
[Illustration]
There was a family of two old Geese and seven young Geese.
[Illustration]
There was a family of two old Owls and seven young Owls.
[Illustration]
There was a family of two old Guinea Pigs and seven young Guinea Pigs.
[Illustration]
There was a family of two old Cats and seven young Cats.
[Illustration]
And there was a family of two old Fishes and seven young Fishes.
[Illustration]
CHAPTER III.
THE HABITS OF THE SEVEN FAMILIES.
The Parrots lived upon the Soffsky-Poffsky trees, which were beautiful to
behold, and covered with blue leaves; and they fed upon fruit, artichokes,
and striped beetles.
The Storks walked in and out of the Lake Pipple-Popple, and ate frogs for
breakfast, and buttered toast for tea; but on account of the extreme length
of their legs they could not sit down, and so they walked about
continually.
The Geese, having webs to their feet, caught quantities of flies, which
they ate for dinner.
The Owls anxiously looked after mice, which they caught, and made into
sago-puddings.
The Guinea Pigs toddled about the gardens, and ate lettuces and Cheshire
cheese.
The Cats sate still in the sunshine, and fed upon sponge biscuits.
The Fishes lived in the lake, and fed chiefly on boiled periwinkles.
And all these seven families lived together in the utmost fun and felicity.
CHAPTER IV.
THE CHILDREN OF THE SEVEN FAMILIES ARE SENT AWAY.
One day all the seven fathers and the seven mothers of the seven families
agreed that they would send their children out to see the world.
So they called them all together, and gave them each eight shillings and
some good advice, some chocolate-drops, and a small green morocco
pocket-book to set down their expenses in.
They then particularly entreated them not to quarrel; and all the parents
sent off their children with a parting injunction.
"If," said the old Parrots, "you find a cherry, do not fight about who
should have it. "
"And," said the old Storks, "if you find a frog, divide it carefully into
seven bits, but on no account quarrel about it. "
And the old Geese said to the seven young Geese, "Whatever you do, be sure
you do not touch a plum-pudding flea. "
And the old Owls said, "If you find a mouse, tear him up into seven slices,
and eat him cheerfully, but without quarrelling. "
And the old Guinea Pigs said, "Have a care that you eat your lettuces,
should you find any, not greedily, but calmly. "
And the old Cats said, "Be particularly careful not to meddle with a
clangle-wangle if you should see one. "
And the old Fishes said, "Above all things, avoid eating a blue boss-woss;
for they do not agree with fishes, and give them a pain in their toes. "
So all the children of each family thanked their parents; and, making in
all forty-nine polite bows, they went into the wide world.
CHAPTER V.
THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG PARROTS.
The seven young Parrots had not gone far, when they saw a tree with a
single cherry on it, which the oldest Parrot picked instantly; but the
other six, being extremely hungry, tried to get it also. On which all the
seven began to fight; and they
scuffled,
and huffled,
and ruffled,
and shuffled,
and puffled,
and muffled,
and buffled,
and duffled,
and fluffled,
and guffled,
and bruffled,
and screamed, and shrieked, and squealed,
and squeaked, and clawed, and snapped, and bit, and bumped, and thumped,
and dumped, and flumped each other, till they were all torn into little
bits; and at last there was nothing left to record this painful incident
except the cherry and seven small green feathers.
And that was the vicious and voluble end of the seven young Parrots.
[Illustration]
CHAPTER VI.
THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG STORKS.
When the seven young Storks set out, they walked or flew for fourteen weeks
in a straight line, and for six weeks more in a crooked one; and after that
they ran as hard as they could for one hundred and eight miles; and after
that they stood still, and made a himmeltanious chatter-clatter-blattery
noise with their bills.
About the same time they perceived a large frog, spotted with green, and
with a sky-blue stripe under each ear.
So, being hungry, they immediately flew at him, and were going to divide
him into seven pieces, when they began to quarrel as to which of his legs
should be taken off first. One said this, and another said that; and while
they were all quarrelling, the frog hopped away. And when they saw that he
was gone, they began to
chatter-clatter,
blatter-platter,
patter-blatter,
matter-clatter,
flatter-quatter,
more violently than ever; and after they
had fought for a week, they pecked each other all to little pieces, so that
at last nothing was left of any of them except their bills.
And that was the end of the seven young Storks.
[Illustration]
CHAPTER VII.
THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG GEESE.
When the seven young Geese began to travel, they went over a large plain,
on which there was but one tree, and that was, a very bad one.
So four of them went up to the top of it, and looked about them; while the
other three waddled up and down, and repeated poetry, and their last six
lessons in arithmetic, geography, and cookery.
Presently they perceived, a long way off, an object of the most interesting
and obese appearance, having a perfectly round body exactly resembling a
boiled plum-pudding, with two little wings, and a beak, and three feathers
growing out of his head, and only one leg.
So, after a time, all the seven young Geese said to each other, "Beyond all
doubt this beast must be a Plum-pudding Flea! "
On which they incautiously began to sing aloud,
"Plum-pudding Flea,
Plum-pudding Flea,
Wherever you be,
Oh! come to our tree,
And listen, oh! listen, oh! listen to me! "
And no sooner had they sung this verse than the Plum-pudding Flea began to
hop and skip on his one leg with the most dreadful velocity, and came
straight to the tree, where he stopped, and looked about him in a vacant
and voluminous manner.
On which the seven young Geese were greatly alarmed, and all of a
tremble-bemble: so one of them put out his long neck, and just touched him
with the tip of his bill; but no sooner had he done this than the
Plum-pudding Flea skipped and hopped about more and more, and higher and
higher; after which he opened his mouth, and, to the great surprise and
indignation of the seven Geese, began to bark so loudly and furiously and
terribly, that they were totally unable to bear the noise; and by degrees
every one of them suddenly tumbled down quite dead.
So that was the end of the seven young Geese.
[Illustration]
CHAPTER VIII.
THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG OWLS.
When the seven young Owls set out, they sate every now and then on the
branches of old trees, and never went far at one time.
And one night, when it was quite dark, they thought they heard a mouse;
but, as the gas-lamps were not lighted, they could not see him.
So they called out, "Is that a mouse? "
On which a mouse answered, "Squeaky-peeky-weeky! yes, it is! "
And immediately all the young Owls threw themselves off the tree, meaning
to alight on the ground; but they did not perceive that there was a large
well below them, into which they all fell superficially, and were every one
of them drowned in less than half a minute.
So that was the end of the seven young Owls.
[Illustration]
CHAPTER IX.
THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG GUINEA PIGS.
The seven young Guinea Pigs went into a garden full of goose-berry-bushes
and tiggory-trees, under one of which they fell asleep. When they awoke,
they saw a large lettuce, which had grown out of the ground while they had
been sleeping, and which had an immense number of green leaves. At which
they all exclaimed,--
"Lettuce! O lettuce
Let us, O let us,
O lettuce-leaves,
O let us leave this tree, and eat
Lettuce, O let us, lettuce-leaves! "
And instantly the seven young Guinea Pigs rushed with such extreme force
against the lettuce-plant, and hit their heads so vividly against its
stalk, that the concussion brought on directly an incipient transitional
inflammation of their noses, which grew worse and worse and worse and
worse, till it incidentally killed them all seven.
And that was the end of the seven young Guinea Pigs.
[Illustration]
CHAPTER X.
THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG CATS.
The seven young Cats set off on their travels with great delight and
rapacity. But, on coming to the top of a high hill, they perceived at a
long distance off a Clangle-Wangle (or, as it is more properly written,
Clangel-Wangel); and, in spite of the warning they had had, they ran
straight up to it.
(Now, the Clangle-Wangle is a most dangerous and delusive beast, and by no
means commonly to be met with. They live in the water as well as on land,
using their long tail as a sail when in the former element. Their speed is
extreme; but their habits of life are domestic and superfluous, and their
general demeanor pensive and pellucid. On summer evenings, they may
sometimes be observed near the Lake Pipple-Popple, standing on their heads,
and humming their national melodies. They subsist entirely on vegetables,
excepting when they eat veal or mutton or pork or beef or fish or
saltpetre. )
The moment the Clangle-Wangle saw the seven young Cats approach, he ran
away; and as he ran straight on for four months, and the Cats, though they
continued to run, could never overtake him, they all gradually _died_ of
fatigue and exhaustion, and never afterwards recovered.
And this was the end of the seven young Cats.
[Illustration]
CHAPTER XI.
THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG FISHES.
The seven young Fishes swam across the Lake Pipple-Popple, and into the
river, and into the ocean; where, most unhappily for them, they saw, on the
fifteenth day of their travels, a bright-blue Boss-Woss, and instantly swam
after him. But the Blue Boss-Woss plunged into a
perpendicular,
spicular,
orbicular,
quadrangular,
circular depth of soft mud;
where, in fact, his house was.
And the seven young Fishes, swimming with great and uncomfortable velocity,
plunged also into the mud quite against their will, and, not being
accustomed to it, were all suffocated in a very short period.
And that was the end of the seven young Fishes.
[Illustration]
CHAPTER XII.
OF WHAT OCCURRED SUBSEQUENTLY.
After it was known that the
seven young Parrots,
and the seven young Storks,
and the seven young Geese,
and the seven young Owls,
and the seven young Guinea Pigs,
and the seven young Cats,
and the seven young Fishes,
were all dead, then the Frog, and the Plum-pudding Flea, and the Mouse, and
the Clangle-Wangle, and the Blue Boss-Woss, all met together to rejoice
over their good fortune. And they collected the seven feathers of the seven
young Parrots, and the seven bills of the seven young Storks, and the
lettuce, and the cherry; and having placed the latter on the lettuce, and
the other objects in a circular arrangement at their base, they danced a
hornpipe round all these memorials until they were quite tired; after which
they gave a tea-party, and a garden-party, and a ball, and a concert, and
then returned to their respective homes full of joy and respect, sympathy,
satisfaction, and disgust.
[Illustration]
CHAPTER XIII.
OF WHAT BECAME OF THE PARENTS OF THE FORTY-NINE CHILDREN.
BUT when the two old Parrots,
and the two old Storks,
and the two old Geese,
and the two old Owls,
and the two old Guinea Pigs,
and the two old Cats,
and the two old Fishes,
became aware, by reading in the newspapers, of the calamitous extinction of
the whole of their families, they refused all further sustenance; and,
sending out to various shops, they purchased great quantities of Cayenne
pepper and brandy and vinegar and blue sealing-wax, besides seven immense
glass bottles with air-tight stoppers. And, having done this, they ate a
light supper of brown-bread and Jerusalem artichokes, and took an
affecting and formal leave of the whole of their acquaintance, which was
very numerous and distinguished and select and responsible and ridiculous.
CHAPTER XIV.
CONCLUSION.
And after this they filled the bottles with the ingredients for pickling,
and each couple jumped into a separate bottle; by which effort, of course,
they all died immediately, and became thoroughly pickled in a few minutes;
having previously made their wills (by the assistance of the most eminent
lawyers of the district), in which they left strict orders that the
stoppers of the seven bottles should be carefully sealed up with the blue
sealing-wax they had purchased; and that they themselves, in the bottles,
should be presented to the principal museum of the city of Tosh, to be
labelled with parchment or any other anti-congenial succedaneum, and to be
placed on a marble table with silver-gilt legs, for the daily inspection
and contemplation, and for the perpetual benefit, of the pusillanimous
public.
And if you ever happen to go to Gramble-Blamble, and visit that museum in
the city of Tosh, look for them on the ninety-eighth table in the four
hundred and twenty-seventh room of the right-hand corridor of the left wing
of the central quadrangle of that magnificent building; for, if you do not,
you certainly will not see them.
[Illustration]
* * * * *
NONSENSE COOKERY.
Extract from "The Nonsense Gazette," for August, 1870.
"Our readers will be interested in the following communications from our
valued and learned contributor, Prof. Bosh, whose labors in the fields of
culinary and botanical science are so well known to all the world. The
first three articles richly merit to be added to the domestic cookery of
every family: those which follow claim the attention of all botanists; and
we are happy to be able, through Dr. Bosh's kindness, to present our
readers with illustrations of his discoveries. All the new flowers are
found in the Valley of Verrikwier, near the Lake of Oddgrow, and on the
summit of the Hill Orfeltugg. "
THREE RECEIPTS FOR DOMESTIC COOKERY.
TO MAKE AN AMBLONGUS PIE.
Take 4 pounds (say 4-1/2 pounds) of fresh Amblongusses, and put them in a
small pipkin.
Cover them with water, and boil them for 8 hours incessantly; after which
add 2 pints of new milk, and proceed to boil for 4 hours more.
When you have ascertained that the Amblongusses are quite soft, take them
out, and place them in a wide pan, taking care to shake them well
previously.
Grate some nutmeg over the surface, and cover them carefully with powdered
gingerbread, curry-powder, and a sufficient quantity of Cayenne pepper.
Remove the pan into the next room, and place it on the floor. Bring it back
again, and let it simmer for three-quarters of an hour. Shake the pan
violently till all the Amblongusses have become of a pale purple color.
Then, having prepared the paste, insert the whole carefully; adding at the
same time a small pigeon, 2 slices of beef, 4 cauliflowers, and any number
of oysters.
Watch patiently till the crust begins to rise, and add a pinch of salt from
time to time.
Serve up in a clean dish, and throw the whole out of window as fast as
possible.
TO MAKE CRUMBOBBLIOUS CUTLETS.
Procure some strips of beef, and, having cut them into the smallest
possible slices, proceed to cut them still smaller,--eight, or perhaps
nine times.
When the whole is thus minced, brush it up hastily with a new
clothes-brush, and stir round rapidly and capriciously with a salt-spoon
or a soup-ladle.
Place the whole in a saucepan, and remove it to a sunny place,--say the
roof of the house, if free from sparrows or other birds,--and leave it
there for about a week.
At the end of that time add a little lavender, some oil of almonds, and a
few herring-bones; and then cover the whole with 4 gallons of clarified
Crumbobblious sauce, when it will be ready for use.
Cut it into the shape of ordinary cutlets, and serve up in a clean
table-cloth or dinner-napkin.
TO MAKE GOSKY PATTIES.
Take a pig three or four years of age, and tie him by the off hind-leg to a
post. Place 5 pounds of currants, 3 of sugar, 2 pecks of peas, 18 roast
chestnuts, a candle, and 6 bushels of turnips, within his reach: if he eats
these, constantly provide him with more.
Then procure some cream, some slices of Cheshire cheese, 4 quires of
foolscap paper, and a packet of black pins. Work the whole into a paste,
and spread it out to dry on a sheet of clean brown waterproof linen.
When the paste is perfectly dry, but not before, proceed to beat the pig
violently with the handle of a large broom. If he squeals, beat him again.
Visit the paste and beat the pig alternately for some days, and ascertain
if, at the end of that period, the whole is about to turn into Gosky
Patties.
If it does not then, it never will; and in that case the pig may be let
loose, and the whole process may be considered as finished.
* * * * *
NONSENSE BOTANY.
[Illustration: Baccopipia Gracilis. ]
[Illustration: Bottlephorkia Spoonifolia. ]
[Illustration: Cockatooca Superba. ]
[Illustration: Fishia Marina. ]
[Illustration: Guittara Pensilis. ]
[Illustration: Manypeeplia Upsidownia. ]
[Illustration: Phattfacia Stupenda. ]
[Illustration: Piggiwiggia Pyramidalis. ]
[Illustration: Plumbunnia Nutritiosa. ]
[Illustration: Pollybirdia Singularis. ]
* * * * *
NONSENSE ALPHABETS.
A
[Illustration]
A was an ant
Who seldom stood still,
And who made a nice house
In the side of a hill.
a!
Nice little ant!
B
[Illustration]
B was a book
With a binding of blue,
And pictures and stories
For me and for you.
b!
Nice little book!
C
[Illustration]
C was a cat
Who ran after a rat;
But his courage did fail
When she seized on his tail.
c!
Crafty old cat!
D
[Illustration]
D was a duck
With spots on his back,
Who lived in the water,
And always said "Quack! "
d!
Dear little duck!
E
[Illustration]
E was an elephant,
Stately and wise:
He had tusks and a trunk,
And two queer little eyes.
e!
Oh, what funny small eyes!
F
[Illustration]
F was a fish
Who was caught in a net;
But he got out again,
And is quite alive yet.
f!
Lively young fish!
G
[Illustration]
G was a goat
Who was spotted with brown:
When he did not lie still
He walked up and down.
g!
Good little goat!
H
[Illustration]
H was a hat
Which was all on one side;
Its crown was too high,
And its brim was too wide.
h!
Oh, what a hat!
I
[Illustration]
I was some ice
So white and so nice,
But which nobody tasted;
And so it was wasted.
i!
All that good ice!
J
[Illustration]
J was a jackdaw
Who hopped up and down
In the principal street
Of a neighboring town.
j!
All through the town!
K
[Illustration]
K was a kite
Which flew out of sight,
Above houses so high,
Quite into the sky.
k
Fly away, kite!
L
[Illustration]
L was a light
Which burned all the night,
And lighted the gloom
Of a very dark room.
l!
Useful nice light!
M
[Illustration]
M was a mill
Which stood on a hill,
And turned round and round
With a loud hummy sound.
m!
Useful old mill!
N
[Illustration]
N was a net
Which was thrown in the sea
To catch fish for dinner
For you and for me.
n!
Nice little net!
O
[Illustration]
O was an orange
So yellow and round:
When it fell off the tree,
It fell down to the ground.
o!
Down to the ground!
P
[Illustration]
P was a pig,
Who was not very big;
But his tail was too curly,
And that made him surly.
p!
Cross little pig!
Q
[Illustration]
Q was a quail
With a very short tail;
And he fed upon corn
In the evening and morn.
q!
Quaint little quail!
R
[Illustration]
R was a rabbit,
Who had a bad habit
Of eating the flowers
In gardens and bowers.
r!
Naughty fat rabbit!
S
[Illustration]
S was the sugar-tongs,
Nippity-nee,
To take up the sugar
To put in our tea.
s!
Nippity-nee!
T
[Illustration]
T was a tortoise,
All yellow and black:
He walked slowly away,
And he never came back.
t!
Torty never came back!
U
[Illustration]
U was an urn
All polished and bright,
And full of hot water
At noon and at night.
u!
Useful old urn!
V
[Illustration]
V was a villa
Which stood on a hill,
By the side of a river,
And close to a mill.
v!
Nice little villa!
W
[Illustration]
W was a whale
With a very long tail,
Whose movements were frantic
Across the Atlantic.
w!
Monstrous old whale!
X
[Illustration]
X was King Xerxes,
Who, more than all Turks, is
Renowned for his fashion
Of fury and passion.
x!
Angry old Xerxes!
Y
[Illustration]
Y was a yew,
Which flourished and grew
By a quiet abode
Near the side of a road.
y!
Dark little yew!
Z
[Illustration]
Z was some zinc,
So shiny and bright,
Which caused you to wink
In the sun's merry light.
z!
Beautiful zinc!
A
[Illustration]
a
A was once an apple-pie,
Pidy,
Widy,
Tidy,
Pidy,
Nice insidy,
Apple-pie!
B
[Illustration]
b
B was once a little bear,
Beary,
Wary,
Hairy,
Beary,
Taky cary,
Little bear!
C
[Illustration]
c
C was once a little cake,
Caky,
Baky,
Maky,
Caky,
Taky caky,
Little cake!
D
[Illustration]
d
D was once a little doll,
Dolly,
Molly,
Polly,
Nolly,
Nursy dolly,
Little doll!
E
[Illustration]
e
E was once a little eel,
Eely,
Weely,
Peely,
Eely,
Twirly, tweely,
Little eel!
F
[Illustration]
f
F was once a little fish,
Fishy,
Wishy,
Squishy,
Fishy,
In a dishy,
Little fish!
G
[Illustration]
g
G was once a little goose,
Goosy,
Moosy,
Boosey,
Goosey,
Waddly-woosy,
Little goose!
H
[Illustration]
h
H was once a little hen,
Henny,
Chenny,
Tenny,
Henny.
Eggsy-any,
Little hen?
I
[Illustration]
i
I was once a bottle of ink
Inky,
Dinky,
Thinky,
Inky,
Blacky minky,
Bottle of ink!
J
[Illustration]
j
J was once a jar of jam,
Jammy,
Mammy,
Clammy,
Jammy,
Sweety, swammy,
Jar of jam!
K
[Illustration]
k
K was once a little kite,
Kity,
Whity,
Flighty,
Kity,
Out of sighty,
Little kite!
L
[Illustration]
l
L was once a little lark,
Larky,
Marky,
Harky,
Larky,
In the parky,
Little lark!
M
[Illustration]
m
M was once a little mouse,
Mousy,
Bousy,
Sousy,
Mousy,
In the housy,
Little mouse!
N
[Illustration]
n
N was once a little needle,
Needly,
Tweedly,
Threedly,
Needly,
Wisky, wheedly,
Little needle!
O
[Illustration]
o
O was once a little owl,
Owly,
Prowly,
Howly,
Owly,
Browny fowly,
Little owl!
P
[Illustration]
p
P was once a little pump,
Pumpy,
Slumpy,
Flumpy,
Pumpy,
Dumpy, thumpy,
Little pump!
Q
[Illustration]
q
Q was once a little quail,
Quaily,
Faily,
Daily,
Quaily,
Stumpy-taily,
Little quail!
R
[Illustration]
r
R was once a little rose,
Rosy,
Posy,
Nosy,
Rosy,
Blows-y, grows-y,
Little rose!
S
[Illustration]
s
S was once a little shrimp,
Shrimpy,
Nimpy,
Flimpy,
Shrimpy.
Jumpy, jimpy,
Little shrimp!
T
[Illustration]
t
T was once a little thrush,
Thrushy,
Hushy,
Bushy,
Thrushy,
Flitty, flushy,
Little thrush!
U
[Illustration]
u
U was once a little urn,
Urny,
Burny,
Turny,
Urny,
Bubbly, burny,
Little urn!
V
[Illustration]
v
V was once a little vine,
Viny,
Winy,
Twiny,
Viny,
Twisty-twiny,
Little vine!
W
[Illustration]
w
W was once a whale,
Whaly,
Scaly,
Shaly,
Whaly,
Tumbly-taily,
Mighty whale!
X
[Illustration]
x
X was once a great king Xerxes,
Xerxy,
Perxy,
Turxy,
Xerxy,
Linxy, lurxy,
Great King Xerxes!
Y
[Illustration]
y
Y was once a little yew,
Yewdy,
Fewdy,
Crudy,
Yewdy,
Growdy, grewdy,
Little yew!
Z
[Illustration]
z
Z was once a piece of zinc,
Tinky,
Winky,
Blinky,
Tinky,
Tinkly minky,
Piece of zinc!
A
[Illustration]
A was an ape,
Who stole some white tape,
And tied up his toes
In four beautiful bows.
a!
Funny old ape!
B
[Illustration]
B was a bat,
Who slept all the day,
And fluttered about
When the sun went away.
b!
Brown little bat!
C
[Illustration]
C was a camel:
You rode on his hump;
And if you fell off,
You came down such a bump!
c!
What a high camel!
D
[Illustration]
D was a dove,
Who lived in a wood,
With such pretty soft wings,
And so gentle and good!
d!
Dear little dove!
E
[Illustration]
E was an eagle,
Who sat on the rocks,
And looked down on the fields
And the-far-away flocks.
e!
Beautiful eagle!
F
[Illustration]
F was a fan
Made of beautiful stuff;
And when it was used,
It went puffy-puff-puff!
f!
Nice little fan!
G
[Illustration]
G was a gooseberry,
Perfectly red;
To be made into jam,
And eaten with bread.
g!
Gooseberry red!
H
[Illustration]
H was a heron,
Who stood in a stream:
The length of his neck
And his legs was extreme.
h!
Long-legged heron!
I
[Illustration]
I was an inkstand,
Which stood on a table,
With a nice pen to write with
When we are able.
i!
Neat little inkstand!
J
[Illustration]
J was a jug,
So pretty and white,
With fresh water in it
At morning and night.
j!
Nice little jug!
K
[Illustration]
K was a kingfisher:
Quickly he flew,
So bright and so pretty! --
Green, purple, and blue.
k!
Kingfisher blue!
L
[Illustration]
L was a lily,
So white and so sweet!
To see it and smell it
Was quite a nice treat.
l!
Beautiful lily!
M
[Illustration]
M was a man,
Who walked round and round;
And he wore a long coat
That came down to the ground.
m!
Funny old man!
N
[Illustration]
N was a nut
So smooth and so brown!
And when it was ripe,
It fell tumble-dum-down.
n!
Nice little nut!
O
[Illustration]
O was an oyster,
Who lived in his shell:
If you let him alone,
He felt perfectly well.
o!
Open-mouthed oyster!
P
[Illustration]
P was a polly,
All red, blue, and green,--
The most beautiful polly
That ever was seen.
p!
Poor little polly!
Q
[Illustration]
Q was a quill
Made into a pen;
But I do not know where,
And I cannot say when.
q!
Nice little quill!
R
[Illustration]
R was a rattlesnake,
Rolled up so tight,
Those who saw him ran quickly,
For fear he should bite.
r!
Rattlesnake bite!
S
[Illustration]
S was a screw
To screw down a box;
And then it was fastened
Without any locks.
s!
Valuable screw!
T
[Illustration]
T was a thimble,
Of silver so bright!
When placed on the finger,
It fitted so tight!
t!
Nice little thimble!
U
[Illustration]
U was an upper-coat,
Woolly and warm,
To wear over all
In the snow or the storm.
u!
What a nice upper-coat!
V
[Illustration]
V was a veil
With a border upon it,
And a ribbon to tie it
All round a pink bonnet.
v!
Pretty green veil!
W
[Illustration]
W was a watch,
Where, in letters of gold,
The hour of the day
You might always behold.
w!
Beautiful watch!
X
[Illustration]
X was King Xerxes,
Who wore on his head
A mighty large turban,
Green, yellow, and red.
x!
Look at King Xerxes!
Y
[Illustration]
Y was a yak,
From the land of Thibet:
Except his white tail,
He was all black as jet.
y!
Look at the yak!
Z
[Illustration]
Z was a zebra,
All striped white and black;
And if he were tame,
You might ride on his back.
z!
Pretty striped zebra!
* * * * *
MORE NONSENSE
Pictures, Rhymes, Botany, etc.
by
EDWARD LEAR
[Illustration]
CONTENTS.
NONSENSE BOTANY
ONE HUNDRED NONSENSE PICTURES AND RHYMES
TWENTY-SIX NONSENSE RHYMES AND PICTURES
[Illustration]
INTRODUCTION.
In offering this little book--the third of its kind--to the public, I am
glad to take the opportunity of recording the pleasure I have received at
the appreciation its predecessors have met with, as attested by their wide
circulation, and by the universally kind notices of them from the Press. To
have been the means of administering innocent mirth to thousands, may
surely be a just motive for satisfaction, and an excuse for grateful
expression.
At the same time, I am desirous of adding a few words as to the history of
the two previously published volumes, and more particularly of the first or
original "Book of Nonsense," relating to which many absurd reports have
crept into circulation, such as that it was the composition of the late
Lord Brougham, the late Earl of Derby, etc. ; that the rhymes and pictures
are by different persons; or that the whole have a symbolical meaning,
etc. ; whereas, every one of the Rhymes was composed by myself, and every
one of the Illustrations drawn by my own hand at the time the verses were
made. Moreover, in no portion of these Nonsense drawings have I ever
allowed any caricature of private or public persons to appear, and
throughout, more care than might be supposed has been given to make the
subjects incapable of misinterpretation: "Nonsense," pure and absolute,
having been my aim throughout.
As for the persistently absurd report of the late Earl of Derby being the
author of the "First Book of Nonsense," I may relate an incident which
occurred to me four summers ago, the first that gave me any insight into
the origin of the rumor.
I was on my way from London to Guildford, in a railway carriage,
containing, besides myself, one passenger, an elderly gentleman: presently,
however, two ladies entered, accompanied by two little boys. These, who had
just had a copy of the "Book of Nonsense" given them, were loud in their
delight, and by degrees infected the whole party with their mirth.
"How grateful," said the old gentleman to the two ladies, "all children,
and parents too, ought to be to the statesman who has given his time to
composing that charming book! "
(The ladies looked puzzled, as indeed was I, the author. )
"Do you not know who is the writer of it? " asked the gentleman.
"The name is 'Edward Lear,'" said one of the ladies.
"Ah! " said the first speaker, "so it is printed; but that is only a whim of
the real author, the Earl of Derby. 'Edward' is his Christian name, and, as
you may see, LEAR is only EARL transposed. "
"But," said the lady, doubtingly, "here is a dedication to the
great-grandchildren, grand-nephews, and grand-nieces of Edward, thirteenth
Earl of Derby, by the author, Edward Lear. "
"That," replied the other, "is simply a piece of mystification; I am in a
position to know that the whole book was composed and illustrated by Lord
Derby himself. In fact, there is no such a person at all as Edward Lear. "
"Yet," said the other lady, "some friends of mine tell me they know Mr.
Lear. "
"Quite a mistake! completely a mistake! " said the old gentleman, becoming
rather angry at the contradiction; "I am well aware of what I am saying: I
can inform you, no such a person as 'Edward Lear' exists! "
Hitherto I had kept silence; but as my hat was, as well as my handkerchief
and stick, largely marked inside with my name, and as I happened to have in
my pocket several letters addressed to me, the temptation was too great to
resist; so, flashing all these articles at once on my would-be
extinguisher's attention, I speedily reduced him to silence.
The second volume of Nonsense, commencing with the verses, "The Owl and the
Pussy-Cat," was written at different times, and for different sets of
children: the whole being collected in the course of last year, were then
illustrated, and published in a single volume, by Mr. R. J. Bush, of 32
Charing Cross.
The contents of the third or present volume were made also at different
intervals in the last two years.
Long years ago, in days when much of my time was passed in a country house,
where children and mirth abounded, the lines beginning, "There was an old
man of Tobago," were suggested to me by a valued friend, as a form of verse
lending itself to limitless variety for rhymes and pictures; and
thenceforth the greater part of the original drawings and verses for the
first "Book of Nonsense" were struck off with a pen, no assistance ever
having been given me in any way but that of uproarious delight and welcome
at the appearance of every new absurdity.
Most of these Drawings and Rhymes were transferred to lithographic stones
in the year 1846, and were then first published by Mr. Thomas McLean, of
the Haymarket. But that edition having been soon exhausted, and the call
for the "Book of Nonsense" continuing, I added a considerable number of
subjects to those previously-published, and having caused the whole to be
carefully reproduced in woodcuts by Messrs. Dalzell, I disposed of the
copyright to Messrs. Routledge and Warne, by whom the volume was published
in 1843.
EDWARD LEAR.
