No More Learning

"

"Is it really for love he is going to marry you? " she asked.

I was so hurt by her coldness and scepticism, that the tears rose to my
eyes.

"I am sorry to grieve you," pursued the widow; "but you are so young, and
so little acquainted with men, I wished to put you on your guard. It is
an old saying that 'all is not gold that glitters;' and in this case I do
fear there will be something found to be different to what either you or
I expect. "

"Why? --am I a monster? " I said: "is it impossible that Mr. Rochester
should have a sincere affection for me? "

"No: you are very well; and much improved of late; and Mr. Rochester, I
daresay, is fond of you. I have always noticed that you were a sort of
pet of his. There are times when, for your sake, I have been a little
uneasy at his marked preference, and have wished to put you on your
guard: but I did not like to suggest even the possibility of wrong. I
knew such an idea would shock, perhaps offend you; and you were so
discreet, and so thoroughly modest and sensible, I hoped you might be
trusted to protect yourself. Last night I cannot tell you what I
suffered when I sought all over the house, and could find you nowhere,
nor the master either; and then, at twelve o'clock, saw you come in with
him. "

"Well, never mind that now," I interrupted impatiently; "it is enough
that all was right. "

"I hope all will be right in the end," she said: "but believe me, you
cannot be too careful. Try and keep Mr. Rochester at a distance:
distrust yourself as well as him. Gentlemen in his station are not
accustomed to marry their governesses. "

I was growing truly irritated: happily, Adele ran in.

"Let me go,--let me go to Millcote too! " she cried. "Mr. Rochester
won't: though there is so much room in the new carriage. Beg him to let
me go mademoiselle. "

"That I will, Adele;" and I hastened away with her, glad to quit my
gloomy monitress. The carriage was ready: they were bringing it round to
the front, and my master was pacing the pavement, Pilot following him
backwards and forwards.

"Adele may accompany us, may she not, sir? "

"I told her no. I'll have no brats! --I'll have only you. "

"Do let her go, Mr. Rochester, if you please: it would be better. "

"Not it: she will be a restraint. "

He was quite peremptory, both in look and voice. The chill of Mrs.
Fairfax's warnings, and the damp of her doubts were upon me: something of
unsubstantiality and uncertainty had beset my hopes. I half lost the
sense of power over him. I was about mechanically to obey him, without
further remonstrance; but as he helped me into the carriage, he looked at
my face.

"What is the matter? " he asked; "all the sunshine is gone. Do you really
wish the bairn to go? Will it annoy you if she is left behind? "

"I would far rather she went, sir. "

"Then off for your bonnet, and back like a flash of lightning! " cried he
to Adele.

She obeyed him with what speed she might.

"After all, a single morning's interruption will not matter much," said
he, "when I mean shortly to claim you--your thoughts, conversation, and
company--for life. "

Adele, when lifted in, commenced kissing me, by way of expressing her
gratitude for my intercession: she was instantly stowed away into a
corner on the other side of him. She then peeped round to where I sat;
so stern a neighbour was too restrictive to him, in his present fractious
mood, she dared whisper no observations, nor ask of him any information.

"Let her come to me," I entreated: "she will, perhaps, trouble you, sir:
there is plenty of room on this side. "

He handed her over as if she had been a lapdog. "I'll send her to school
yet," he said, but now he was smiling.

Adele heard him, and asked if she was to go to school "sans
mademoiselle? "

"Yes," he replied, "absolutely sans mademoiselle; for I am to take
mademoiselle to the moon, and there I shall seek a cave in one of the
white valleys among the volcano-tops, and mademoiselle shall live with me
there, and only me. "

"She will have nothing to eat: you will starve her," observed Adele.

"I shall gather manna for her morning and night: the plains and hillsides
in the moon are bleached with manna, Adele. "

"She will want to warm herself: what will she do for a fire? "

"Fire rises out of the lunar mountains: when she is cold, I'll carry her
up to a peak, and lay her down on the edge of a crater. "

"Oh, qu' elle y sera mal--peu comfortable! And her clothes, they will
wear out: how can she get new ones? "

Mr. Rochester professed to be puzzled. "Hem! " said he. "What would you
do, Adele? Cudgel your brains for an expedient. How would a white or a
pink cloud answer for a gown, do you think? And one could cut a pretty
enough scarf out of a rainbow. "

"She is far better as she is," concluded Adele, after musing some time:
"besides, she would get tired of living with only you in the moon. If I
were mademoiselle, I would never consent to go with you. "

"She has consented: she has pledged her word. "

"But you can't get her there; there is no road to the moon: it is all
air; and neither you nor she can fly. "

"Adele, look at that field. " We were now outside Thornfield gates, and
bowling lightly along the smooth road to Millcote, where the dust was
well laid by the thunderstorm, and, where the low hedges and lofty timber
trees on each side glistened green and rain-refreshed.

"In that field, Adele, I was walking late one evening about a fortnight
since--the evening of the day you helped me to make hay in the orchard
meadows; and, as I was tired with raking swaths, I sat down to rest me on
a stile; and there I took out a little book and a pencil, and began to
write about a misfortune that befell me long ago, and a wish I had for
happy days to come: I was writing away very fast, though daylight was
fading from the leaf, when something came up the path and stopped two
yards off me. I looked at it. It was a little thing with a veil of
gossamer on its head. I beckoned it to come near me; it stood soon at my
knee. I never spoke to it, and it never spoke to me, in words; but I
read its eyes, and it read mine; and our speechless colloquy was to this
effect--

"It was a fairy, and come from Elf-land, it said; and its errand was to
make me happy: I must go with it out of the common world to a lonely
place--such as the moon, for instance--and it nodded its head towards her
horn, rising over Hay-hill: it told me of the alabaster cave and silver
vale where we might live. I said I should like to go; but reminded it,
as you did me, that I had no wings to fly.

"'Oh,' returned the fairy, 'that does not signify! Here is a talisman
will remove all difficulties;' and she held out a pretty gold ring. 'Put
it,' she said, 'on the fourth finger of my left hand, and I am yours, and
you are mine; and we shall leave earth, and make our own heaven yonder. '
She nodded again at the moon. The ring, Adele, is in my breeches-pocket,
under the disguise of a sovereign: but I mean soon to change it to a ring
again. "

"But what has mademoiselle to do with it? I don't care for the fairy:
you said it was mademoiselle you would take to the moon? "

"Mademoiselle is a fairy," he said, whispering mysteriously. Whereupon I
told her not to mind his badinage; and she, on her part, evinced a fund
of genuine French scepticism: denominating Mr. Rochester "un vrai
menteur," and assuring him that she made no account whatever of his
"contes de fee," and that "du reste, il n'y avait pas de fees, et quand
meme il y en avait:" she was sure they would never appear to him, nor
ever give him rings, or offer to live with him in the moon.

The hour spent at Millcote was a somewhat harassing one to me. Mr.
Rochester obliged me to go to a certain silk warehouse: there I was
ordered to choose half-a-dozen dresses. I hated the business, I begged
leave to defer it: no--it should be gone through with now. By dint of
entreaties expressed in energetic whispers, I reduced the half-dozen to
two: these however, he vowed he would select himself. With anxiety I
watched his eye rove over the gay stores: he fixed on a rich silk of the
most brilliant amethyst dye, and a superb pink satin. I told him in a
new series of whispers, that he might as well buy me a gold gown and a
silver bonnet at once: I should certainly never venture to wear his
choice. With infinite difficulty, for he was stubborn as a stone, I
persuaded him to make an exchange in favour of a sober black satin and
pearl-grey silk. "It might pass for the present," he said; "but he would
yet see me glittering like a parterre. "

Glad was I to get him out of the silk warehouse, and then out of a
jewellers shop: the more he bought me, the more my cheek burned with a
sense of annoyance and degradation. As we re-entered the carriage, and I
sat back feverish and fagged, I remembered what, in the hurry of events,
dark and bright, I had wholly forgotten--the letter of my uncle, John
Eyre, to Mrs. Reed: his intention to adopt me and make me his legatee.
"It would, indeed, be a relief," I thought, "if I had ever so small an
independency; I never can bear being dressed like a doll by Mr.
Rochester, or sitting like a second Danae with the golden shower falling
daily round me. I will write to Madeira the moment I get home, and tell
my uncle John I am going to be married, and to whom: if I had but a
prospect of one day bringing Mr. Rochester an accession of fortune, I
could better endure to be kept by him now. " And somewhat relieved by
this idea (which I failed not to execute that day), I ventured once more
to meet my master's and lover's eye, which most pertinaciously sought
mine, though I averted both face and gaze. He smiled; and I thought his
smile was such as a sultan might, in a blissful and fond moment, bestow
on a slave his gold and gems had enriched: I crushed his hand, which was
ever hunting mine, vigorously, and thrust it back to him red with the
passionate pressure.

"You need not look in that way," I said; "if you do, I'll wear nothing
but my old Lowood frocks to the end of the chapter. I'll be married in
this lilac gingham: you may make a dressing-gown for yourself out of the
pearl-grey silk, and an infinite series of waistcoats out of the black
satin. "

He chuckled; he rubbed his hands. "Oh, it is rich to see and hear her? "
he exclaimed. "Is she original? Is she piquant? I would not exchange
this one little English girl for the Grand Turk's whole seraglio, gazelle-
eyes, houri forms, and all! "

The Eastern allusion bit me again. "I'll not stand you an inch in the
stead of a seraglio," I said; "so don't consider me an equivalent for
one. If you have a fancy for anything in that line, away with you, sir,
to the bazaars of Stamboul without delay, and lay out in extensive slave-
purchases some of that spare cash you seem at a loss to spend
satisfactorily here. "

"And what will you do, Janet, while I am bargaining for so many tons of
flesh and such an assortment of black eyes? "

"I'll be preparing myself to go out as a missionary to preach liberty to
them that are enslaved--your harem inmates amongst the rest. I'll get
admitted there, and I'll stir up mutiny; and you, three-tailed bashaw as
you are, sir, shall in a trice find yourself fettered amongst our hands:
nor will I, for one, consent to cut your bonds till you have signed a
charter, the most liberal that despot ever yet conferred. "

"I would consent to be at your mercy, Jane. "

"I would have no mercy, Mr. Rochester, if you supplicated for it with an
eye like that. While you looked so, I should be certain that whatever
charter you might grant under coercion, your first act, when released,
would be to violate its conditions. "

"Why, Jane, what would you have? I fear you will compel me to go through
a private marriage ceremony, besides that performed at the altar. You
will stipulate, I see, for peculiar terms--what will they be? "

"I only want an easy mind, sir; not crushed by crowded obligations. Do
you remember what you said of Celine Varens? --of the diamonds, the
cashmeres you gave her? I will not be your English Celine Varens. I
shall continue to act as Adele's governess; by that I shall earn my board
and lodging, and thirty pounds a year besides. I'll furnish my own
wardrobe out of that money, and you shall give me nothing but--"

"Well, but what? "

"Your regard; and if I give you mine in return, that debt will be quit. "

"Well, for cool native impudence and pure innate pride, you haven't your
equal," said he. We were now approaching Thornfield. "Will it please
you to dine with me to-day? " he asked, as we re-entered the gates.

"No, thank you, sir. "

"And what for, 'no, thank you? ' if one may inquire. "

"I never have dined with you, sir: and I see no reason why I should now:
till--"

"Till what? You delight in half-phrases. "

"Till I can't help it. "

"Do you suppose I eat like an ogre or a ghoul, that you dread being the
companion of my repast? "

"I have formed no supposition on the subject, sir; but I want to go on as
usual for another month. "

"You will give up your governessing slavery at once. "

"Indeed, begging your pardon, sir, I shall not. I shall just go on with
it as usual. I shall keep out of your way all day, as I have been
accustomed to do: you may send for me in the evening, when you feel
disposed to see me, and I'll come then; but at no other time. "

"I want a smoke, Jane, or a pinch of snuff, to comfort me under all this,
'pour me donner une contenance,' as Adele would say; and unfortunately I
have neither my cigar-case, nor my snuff-box. But listen--whisper. It
is your time now, little tyrant, but it will be mine presently; and when
once I have fairly seized you, to have and to hold, I'll
just--figuratively speaking--attach you to a chain like this" (touching
his watch-guard). "Yes, bonny wee thing, I'll wear you in my bosom, lest
my jewel I should tyne. "

He said this as he helped me to alight from the carriage, and while he
afterwards lifted out Adele, I entered the house, and made good my
retreat upstairs.

He duly summoned me to his presence in the evening. I had prepared an
occupation for him; for I was determined not to spend the whole time in a
_tete-a-tete_ conversation. I remembered his fine voice; I knew he liked
to sing--good singers generally do. I was no vocalist myself, and, in
his fastidious judgment, no musician, either; but I delighted in
listening when the performance was good. No sooner had twilight, that
hour of romance, began to lower her blue and starry banner over the
lattice, than I rose, opened the piano, and entreated him, for the love
of heaven, to give me a song. He said I was a capricious witch, and that
he would rather sing another time; but I averred that no time was like
the present.

"Did I like his voice? " he asked.

"Very much. " I was not fond of pampering that susceptible vanity of his;
but for once, and from motives of expediency, I would e'en soothe and
stimulate it.

"Then, Jane, you must play the accompaniment. "

"Very well, sir, I will try. "

I did try, but was presently swept off the stool and denominated "a
little bungler. " Being pushed unceremoniously to one side--which was
precisely what I wished--he usurped my place, and proceeded to accompany
himself: for he could play as well as sing. I hied me to the
window-recess. And while I sat there and looked out on the still trees
and dim lawn, to a sweet air was sung in mellow tones the following
strain:--

"The truest love that ever heart
Felt at its kindled core,
Did through each vein, in quickened start,
The tide of being pour.

Her coming was my hope each day,
Her parting was my pain;
The chance that did her steps delay
Was ice in every vein.

I dreamed it would be nameless bliss,
As I loved, loved to be;
And to this object did I press
As blind as eagerly.

But wide as pathless was the space
That lay our lives between,
And dangerous as the foamy race
Of ocean-surges green.

And haunted as a robber-path
Through wilderness or wood;
For Might and Right, and Woe and Wrath,
Between our spirits stood.

I dangers dared; I hindrance scorned;
I omens did defy:
Whatever menaced, harassed, warned,
I passed impetuous by.

On sped my rainbow, fast as light;
I flew as in a dream;
For glorious rose upon my sight
That child of Shower and Gleam.

Still bright on clouds of suffering dim
Shines that soft, solemn joy;
Nor care I now, how dense and grim
Disasters gather nigh.

I care not in this moment sweet,
Though all I have rushed o'er
Should come on pinion, strong and fleet,
Proclaiming vengeance sore:

Though haughty Hate should strike me down,
Right, bar approach to me,
And grinding Might, with furious frown,
Swear endless enmity.

My love has placed her little hand
With noble faith in mine,
And vowed that wedlock's sacred band
Our nature shall entwine.

My love has sworn, with sealing kiss,
With me to live--to die;
I have at last my nameless bliss.
As I love--loved am I! "

He rose and came towards me, and I saw his face all kindled, and his full
falcon-eye flashing, and tenderness and passion in every lineament. I
quailed momentarily--then I rallied. Soft scene, daring demonstration, I
would not have; and I stood in peril of both: a weapon of defence must be
prepared--I whetted my tongue: as he reached me, I asked with asperity,
"whom he was going to marry now? "

"That was a strange question to be put by his darling Jane. "

"Indeed! I considered it a very natural and necessary one: he had talked
of his future wife dying with him. What did he mean by such a pagan
idea? _I_ had no intention of dying with him--he might depend on that. "

"Oh, all he longed, all he prayed for, was that I might live with him!
Death was not for such as I. "

"Indeed it was: I had as good a right to die when my time came as he had:
but I should bide that time, and not be hurried away in a suttee. "

"Would I forgive him for the selfish idea, and prove my pardon by a
reconciling kiss? "

"No: I would rather be excused. "

Here I heard myself apostrophised as a "hard little thing;" and it was
added, "any other woman would have been melted to marrow at hearing such
stanzas crooned in her praise.
"

I assured him I was naturally hard--very flinty, and that he would often
find me so; and that, moreover, I was determined to show him divers
rugged points in my character before the ensuing four weeks elapsed: he
should know fully what sort of a bargain he had made, while there was yet
time to rescind it.

"Would I be quiet and talk rationally? "

"I would be quiet if he liked, and as to talking rationally, I flattered
myself I was doing that now. "

He fretted, pished, and pshawed. "Very good," I thought; "you may fume
and fidget as you please: but this is the best plan to pursue with you, I
am certain. I like you more than I can say; but I'll not sink into a
bathos of sentiment: and with this needle of repartee I'll keep you from
the edge of the gulf too; and, moreover, maintain by its pungent aid that
distance between you and myself most conducive to our real mutual
advantage. "

From less to more, I worked him up to considerable irritation; then,
after he had retired, in dudgeon, quite to the other end of the room, I
got up, and saying, "I wish you good-night, sir," in my natural and
wonted respectful manner, I slipped out by the side-door and got away.

The system thus entered on, I pursued during the whole season of
probation; and with the best success. He was kept, to be sure, rather
cross and crusty; but on the whole I could see he was excellently
entertained, and that a lamb-like submission and turtle-dove sensibility,
while fostering his despotism more, would have pleased his judgment,
satisfied his common-sense, and even suited his taste less.

In other people's presence I was, as formerly, deferential and quiet; any
other line of conduct being uncalled for: it was only in the evening
conferences I thus thwarted and afflicted him. He continued to send for
me punctually the moment the clock struck seven; though when I appeared
before him now, he had no such honeyed terms as "love" and "darling" on
his lips: the best words at my service were "provoking puppet,"
"malicious elf," "sprite," "changeling," &c. For caresses, too, I now
got grimaces; for a pressure of the hand, a pinch on the arm; for a kiss
on the cheek, a severe tweak of the ear. It was all right: at present I
decidedly preferred these fierce favours to anything more tender. Mrs.
Fairfax, I saw, approved me: her anxiety on my account vanished;
therefore I was certain I did well. Meantime, Mr. Rochester affirmed I
was wearing him to skin and bone, and threatened awful vengeance for my
present conduct at some period fast coming. I laughed in my sleeve at
his menaces. "I can keep you in reasonable check now," I reflected; "and
I don't doubt to be able to do it hereafter: if one expedient loses its
virtue, another must be devised. "

Yet after all my task was not an easy one; often I would rather have
pleased than teased him. My future husband was becoming to me my whole
world; and more than the world: almost my hope of heaven. He stood
between me and every thought of religion, as an eclipse intervenes
between man and the broad sun. I could not, in those days, see God for
His creature: of whom I had made an idol.




CHAPTER XXV


The month of courtship had wasted: its very last hours were being
numbered. There was no putting off the day that advanced--the bridal
day; and all preparations for its arrival were complete. _I_, at least,
had nothing more to do: there were my trunks, packed, locked, corded,
ranged in a row along the wall of my little chamber; to-morrow, at this
time, they would be far on their road to London: and so should I
(D. V. ),--or rather, not I, but one Jane Rochester, a person whom as yet I
knew not. The cards of address alone remained to nail on: they lay, four
little squares, in the drawer. Mr. Rochester had himself written the
direction, "Mrs. Rochester, --- Hotel, London," on each: I could not
persuade myself to affix them, or to have them affixed. Mrs. Rochester!
She did not exist: she would not be born till to-morrow, some time after
eight o'clock a. m. ; and I would wait to be assured she had come into the
world alive before I assigned to her all that property. It was enough
that in yonder closet, opposite my dressing-table, garments said to be
hers had already displaced my black stuff Lowood frock and straw bonnet:
for not to me appertained that suit of wedding raiment; the
pearl-coloured robe, the vapoury veil pendent from the usurped
portmanteau. I shut the closet to conceal the strange, wraith-like
apparel it contained; which, at this evening hour--nine o'clock--gave out
certainly a most ghostly shimmer through the shadow of my apartment. "I
will leave you by yourself, white dream," I said. "I am feverish: I hear
the wind blowing: I will go out of doors and feel it. "

It was not only the hurry of preparation that made me feverish; not only
the anticipation of the great change--the new life which was to commence
to-morrow: both these circumstances had their share, doubtless, in
producing that restless, excited mood which hurried me forth at this late
hour into the darkening grounds: but a third cause influenced my mind
more than they.

I had at heart a strange and anxious thought. Something had happened
which I could not comprehend; no one knew of or had seen the event but
myself: it had taken place the preceding night. Mr. Rochester that night
was absent from home; nor was he yet returned: business had called him to
a small estate of two or three farms he possessed thirty miles
off--business it was requisite he should settle in person, previous to
his meditated departure from England. I waited now his return; eager to
disburthen my mind, and to seek of him the solution of the enigma that
perplexed me. Stay till he comes, reader; and, when I disclose my secret
to him, you shall share the confidence.

I sought the orchard, driven to its shelter by the wind, which all day
had blown strong and full from the south, without, however, bringing a
speck of rain. Instead of subsiding as night drew on, it seemed to
augment its rush and deepen its roar: the trees blew steadfastly one way,
never writhing round, and scarcely tossing back their boughs once in an
hour; so continuous was the strain bending their branchy heads
northward--the clouds drifted from pole to pole, fast following, mass on
mass: no glimpse of blue sky had been visible that July day.

It was not without a certain wild pleasure I ran before the wind,
delivering my trouble of mind to the measureless air-torrent thundering
through space. Descending the laurel walk, I faced the wreck of the
chestnut-tree; it stood up black and riven: the trunk, split down the
centre, gasped ghastly. The cloven halves were not broken from each
other, for the firm base and strong roots kept them unsundered below;
though community of vitality was destroyed--the sap could flow no more:
their great boughs on each side were dead, and next winter's tempests
would be sure to fell one or both to earth: as yet, however, they might
be said to form one tree--a ruin, but an entire ruin.

"You did right to hold fast to each other," I said: as if the monster-
splinters were living things, and could hear me. "I think, scathed as
you look, and charred and scorched, there must be a little sense of life
in you yet, rising out of that adhesion at the faithful, honest roots:
you will never have green leaves more--never more see birds making nests
and singing idyls in your boughs; the time of pleasure and love is over
with you: but you are not desolate: each of you has a comrade to
sympathise with him in his decay. " As I looked up at them, the moon
appeared momentarily in that part of the sky which filled their fissure;
her disk was blood-red and half overcast; she seemed to throw on me one
bewildered, dreary glance, and buried herself again instantly in the deep
drift of cloud. The wind fell, for a second, round Thornfield; but far
away over wood and water, poured a wild, melancholy wail: it was sad to
listen to, and I ran off again.

Here and there I strayed through the orchard, gathered up the apples with
which the grass round the tree roots was thickly strewn; then I employed
myself in dividing the ripe from the unripe; I carried them into the
house and put them away in the store-room. Then I repaired to the
library to ascertain whether the fire was lit, for, though summer, I knew
on such a gloomy evening Mr. Rochester would like to see a cheerful
hearth when he came in: yes, the fire had been kindled some time, and
burnt well. I placed his arm-chair by the chimney-corner: I wheeled the
table near it: I let down the curtain, and had the candles brought in
ready for lighting. More restless than ever, when I had completed these
arrangements I could not sit still, nor even remain in the house: a
little time-piece in the room and the old clock in the hall
simultaneously struck ten.

"How late it grows! " I said. "I will run down to the gates: it is
moonlight at intervals; I can see a good way on the road. He may be
coming now, and to meet him will save some minutes of suspense. "

The wind roared high in the great trees which embowered the gates; but
the road as far as I could see, to the right hand and the left, was all
still and solitary: save for the shadows of clouds crossing it at
intervals as the moon looked out, it was but a long pale line, unvaried
by one moving speck.

A puerile tear dimmed my eye while I looked--a tear of disappointment and
impatience; ashamed of it, I wiped it away. I lingered; the moon shut
herself wholly within her chamber, and drew close her curtain of dense
cloud: the night grew dark; rain came driving fast on the gale.

"I wish he would come! I wish he would come! " I exclaimed, seized with
hypochondriac foreboding. I had expected his arrival before tea; now it
was dark: what could keep him? Had an accident happened? The event of
last night again recurred to me. I interpreted it as a warning of
disaster. I feared my hopes were too bright to be realised; and I had
enjoyed so much bliss lately that I imagined my fortune had passed its
meridian, and must now decline.

"Well, I cannot return to the house," I thought; "I cannot sit by the
fireside, while he is abroad in inclement weather: better tire my limbs
than strain my heart; I will go forward and meet him. "

I set out; I walked fast, but not far: ere I had measured a quarter of a
mile, I heard the tramp of hoofs; a horseman came on, full gallop; a dog
ran by his side. Away with evil presentiment! It was he: here he was,
mounted on Mesrour, followed by Pilot. He saw me; for the moon had
opened a blue field in the sky, and rode in it watery bright: he took his
hat off, and waved it round his head. I now ran to meet him.

"There! " he exclaimed, as he stretched out his hand and bent from the
saddle: "You can't do without me, that is evident. Step on my boot-toe;
give me both hands: mount! "

I obeyed: joy made me agile: I sprang up before him. A hearty kissing I
got for a welcome, and some boastful triumph, which I swallowed as well
as I could. He checked himself in his exultation to demand, "But is
there anything the matter, Janet, that you come to meet me at such an
hour? Is there anything wrong? "

"No, but I thought you would never come. I could not bear to wait in the
house for you, especially with this rain and wind. "

"Rain and wind, indeed! Yes, you are dripping like a mermaid; pull my
cloak round you: but I think you are feverish, Jane: both your cheek and
hand are burning hot. I ask again, is there anything the matter? "

"Nothing now; I am neither afraid nor unhappy. "

"Then you have been both? "

"Rather: but I'll tell you all about it by-and-bye, sir; and I daresay
you will only laugh at me for my pains. "

"I'll laugh at you heartily when to-morrow is past; till then I dare not:
my prize is not certain. This is you, who have been as slippery as an
eel this last month, and as thorny as a briar-rose? I could not lay a
finger anywhere but I was pricked; and now I seem to have gathered up a
stray lamb in my arms. You wandered out of the fold to seek your
shepherd, did you, Jane? "

"I wanted you: but don't boast. Here we are at Thornfield: now let me
get down. "

He landed me on the pavement. As John took his horse, and he followed me
into the hall, he told me to make haste and put something dry on, and
then return to him in the library; and he stopped me, as I made for the
staircase, to extort a promise that I would not be long: nor was I long;
in five minutes I rejoined him. I found him at supper.

"Take a seat and bear me company, Jane: please God, it is the last meal
but one you will eat at Thornfield Hall for a long time. "

I sat down near him, but told him I could not eat. "Is it because you
have the prospect of a journey before you, Jane? Is it the thoughts of
going to London that takes away your appetite? "

"I cannot see my prospects clearly to-night, sir; and I hardly know what
thoughts I have in my head. Everything in life seems unreal. "

"Except me: I am substantial enough--touch me. "

"You, sir, are the most phantom-like of all: you are a mere dream. "

He held out his hand, laughing. "Is that a dream? " said he, placing it
close to my eyes. He had a rounded, muscular, and vigorous hand, as well
as a long, strong arm.

"Yes; though I touch it, it is a dream," said I, as I put it down from
before my face. "Sir, have you finished supper? "

"Yes, Jane. "

I rang the bell and ordered away the tray. When we were again alone, I
stirred the fire, and then took a low seat at my master's knee.

"It is near midnight," I said.

"Yes: but remember, Jane, you promised to wake with me the night before
my wedding. "

"I did; and I will keep my promise, for an hour or two at least: I have
no wish to go to bed. "

"Are all your arrangements complete? "

"All, sir. "

"And on my part likewise," he returned, "I have settled everything; and
we shall leave Thornfield to-morrow, within half-an-hour after our return
from church. "

"Very well, sir. "

"With what an extraordinary smile you uttered that word--'very well,'
Jane! What a bright spot of colour you have on each cheek! and how
strangely your eyes glitter! Are you well? "

"I believe I am. "

"Believe! What is the matter? Tell me what you feel. "

"I could not, sir: no words could tell you what I feel. I wish this
present hour would never end: who knows with what fate the next may come
charged? "

"This is hypochondria, Jane. You have been over-excited, or
over-fatigued. "

"Do you, sir, feel calm and happy? "

"Calm? --no: but happy--to the heart's core. "

I looked up at him to read the signs of bliss in his face: it was ardent
and flushed.

"Give me your confidence, Jane," he said: "relieve your mind of any
weight that oppresses it, by imparting it to me. What do you fear? --that
I shall not prove a good husband? "

"It is the idea farthest from my thoughts. "

"Are you apprehensive of the new sphere you are about to enter? --of the
new life into which you are passing? "

"No. "

"You puzzle me, Jane: your look and tone of sorrowful audacity perplex
and pain me. I want an explanation. "

"Then, sir, listen. You were from home last night? "

"I was: I know that; and you hinted a while ago at something which had
happened in my absence:--nothing, probably, of consequence; but, in
short, it has disturbed you. Let me hear it. Mrs. Fairfax has said
something, perhaps? or you have overheard the servants talk? --your
sensitive self-respect has been wounded? "

"No, sir. " It struck twelve--I waited till the time-piece had concluded
its silver chime, and the clock its hoarse, vibrating stroke, and then I
proceeded.

"All day yesterday I was very busy, and very happy in my ceaseless
bustle; for I am not, as you seem to think, troubled by any haunting
fears about the new sphere, et cetera: I think it a glorious thing to
have the hope of living with you, because I love you. No, sir, don't
caress me now--let me talk undisturbed. Yesterday I trusted well in
Providence, and believed that events were working together for your good
and mine: it was a fine day, if you recollect--the calmness of the air
and sky forbade apprehensions respecting your safety or comfort on your
journey. I walked a little while on the pavement after tea, thinking of
you; and I beheld you in imagination so near me, I scarcely missed your
actual presence. I thought of the life that lay before me--_your_ life,
sir--an existence more expansive and stirring than my own: as much more
so as the depths of the sea to which the brook runs are than the shallows
of its own strait channel. I wondered why moralists call this world a
dreary wilderness: for me it blossomed like a rose. Just at sunset, the
air turned cold and the sky cloudy: I went in, Sophie called me upstairs
to look at my wedding-dress, which they had just brought; and under it in
the box I found your present--the veil which, in your princely
extravagance, you sent for from London: resolved, I suppose, since I
would not have jewels, to cheat me into accepting something as costly. I
smiled as I unfolded it, and devised how I would tease you about your
aristocratic tastes, and your efforts to masque your plebeian bride in
the attributes of a peeress. I thought how I would carry down to you the
square of unembroidered blond I had myself prepared as a covering for my
low-born head, and ask if that was not good enough for a woman who could
bring her husband neither fortune, beauty, nor connections. I saw
plainly how you would look; and heard your impetuous republican answers,
and your haughty disavowal of any necessity on your part to augment your
wealth, or elevate your standing, by marrying either a purse or a
coronet. "

"How well you read me, you witch! " interposed Mr. Rochester: "but what
did you find in the veil besides its embroidery? Did you find poison, or
a dagger, that you look so mournful now? "

"No, no, sir; besides the delicacy and richness of the fabric, I found
nothing save Fairfax Rochester's pride; and that did not scare me,
because I am used to the sight of the demon. But, sir, as it grew dark,
the wind rose: it blew yesterday evening, not as it blows now--wild and
high--but 'with a sullen, moaning sound' far more eerie. I wished you
were at home. I came into this room, and the sight of the empty chair
and fireless hearth chilled me. For some time after I went to bed, I
could not sleep--a sense of anxious excitement distressed me. The gale
still rising, seemed to my ear to muffle a mournful under-sound; whether
in the house or abroad I could not at first tell, but it recurred,
doubtful yet doleful at every lull; at last I made out it must be some
dog howling at a distance. I was glad when it ceased. On sleeping, I
continued in dreams the idea of a dark and gusty night. I continued also
the wish to be with you, and experienced a strange, regretful
consciousness of some barrier dividing us. During all my first sleep, I
was following the windings of an unknown road; total obscurity environed
me; rain pelted me; I was burdened with the charge of a little child: a
very small creature, too young and feeble to walk, and which shivered in
my cold arms, and wailed piteously in my ear. I thought, sir, that you
were on the road a long way before me; and I strained every nerve to
overtake you, and made effort on effort to utter your name and entreat
you to stop--but my movements were fettered, and my voice still died away
inarticulate; while you, I felt, withdrew farther and farther every
moment. "

"And these dreams weigh on your spirits now, Jane, when I am close to
you? Little nervous subject! Forget visionary woe, and think only of
real happiness! You say you love me, Janet: yes--I will not forget that;
and you cannot deny it. _Those_ words did not die inarticulate on your
lips. I heard them clear and soft: a thought too solemn perhaps, but
sweet as music--'I think it is a glorious thing to have the hope of
living with you, Edward, because I love you. ' Do you love me,
Jane? --repeat it. "

"I do, sir--I do, with my whole heart. "

"Well," he said, after some minutes' silence, "it is strange; but that
sentence has penetrated my breast painfully.