No More Learning

Now Doctor isn't it a wound with a small sword----

CRABTREE. A bullet lodged in the Thorax--for a hundred!

SIR OLIVER. Doctor! --a wound with a small sword! and a Bullet in the
Thorax! --oon's are you mad, good People?

SIR BENJAMIN. Perhaps, Sir, you are not a Doctor.

SIR OLIVER. Truly Sir I am to thank you for my degree If I am.

CRABTREE. Only a Friend of Sir Peter's then I presume--but, sir, you
must have heard of this accident--

SIR OLIVER. Not a word!

CRABTREE. Not of his being dangerously wounded?

SIR OLIVER. The Devil he is!

SIR BENJAMIN. Run thro' the Body----

CRABTREE. Shot in the breast----

SIR BENJAMIN. By one Mr. Surface----

CRABTREE. Aye the younger.

SIR OLIVER. Hey! what the plague! you seem to differ strangely in your
accounts--however you agree that Sir Peter is dangerously wounded.

SIR BENJAMIN. Oh yes, we agree in that.

CRABTREE. Yes, yes, I believe there can be no doubt in that.

SIR OLIVER. Then, upon my word, for a person in that Situation, he is
the most imprudent man alive--For here he comes walking as if nothing at
all was the matter.

Enter SIR PETER

Odd's heart, sir Peter! you are come in good time I promise you, for we
had just given you over!

SIR BENJAMIN. 'Egad, Uncle this is the most sudden Recovery!

SIR OLIVER. Why, man, what do you do out of Bed with a Small Sword
through your Body, and a Bullet lodg'd in your Thorax?

SIR PETER. A Small Sword and a Bullet--

SIR OLIVER. Aye these Gentlemen would have kill'd you without Law or
Physic, and wanted to dub me a Doctor to make me an accomplice.

SIR PETER. Why! what is all this?

SIR BENJAMIN. We rejoice, Sir Peter, that the Story of the Duel is not
true--and are sincerely sorry for your other Misfortune.

SIR PETER. So--so--all over the Town already! [Aside. ]

CRABTREE. Tho', Sir Peter, you were certainly vastly to blame to marry
at all at your years.

SIR PETER. Sir, what Business is that of yours?

MRS. CANDOUR. Tho' Indeed, as Sir Peter made so good a Husband, he's
very much to be pitied.

SIR PETER. Plague on your pity, Ma'am, I desire none of it.

SIR BENJAMIN. However Sir Peter, you must not mind the Laughing and
jests you will meet with on the occasion.

SIR PETER. Sir, I desire to be master in my own house.

CRABTREE. 'Tis no Uncommon Case, that's one comfort.

SIR PETER. I insist on being left to myself, without ceremony,--I insist
on your leaving my house directly!

MRS. CANDOUR. Well, well, we are going and depend on't, we'll make the
best report of you we can.

SIR PETER. Leave my house!

CRABTREE. And tell how hardly you have been treated.

SIR PETER. Leave my House--

SIR BENJAMIN. And how patiently you bear it.

SIR PETER. Friends! Vipers! Furies! Oh that their own Venom would choke
them!

SIR OLIVER. They are very provoking indeed, Sir Peter.

Enter ROWLEY

ROWLEY. I heard high words: what has ruffled you Sir Peter--

SIR PETER. Pshaw what signifies asking--do I ever pass a Day without my
Vexations?

SIR OLIVER. Well I'm not Inquisitive--I come only to tell you, that I
have seen both my Nephews in the manner we proposed.

SIR PETER. A Precious Couple they are!

ROWLEY. Yes and Sir Oliver--is convinced that your judgment was right
Sir Peter.

SIR OLIVER. Yes I find Joseph is Indeed the Man after all.

ROWLEY. Aye as Sir Peter says, He's a man of Sentiment.

SIR OLIVER. And acts up to the Sentiments he professes.

ROWLEY. It certainly is Edification to hear him talk.

SIR OLIVER. Oh, He's a model for the young men of the age! But how's
this, Sir Peter? you don't Join us in your Friend Joseph's Praise as I
expected.

SIR PETER. Sir Oliver, we live in a damned wicked world, and the fewer
we praise the better.

ROWLEY. What do YOU say so, Sir Peter--who were never mistaken in your
Life?

SIR PETER. Pshaw--Plague on you both--I see by your sneering you have
heard--the whole affair--I shall go mad among you!

ROWLEY. Then to fret you no longer Sir Peter--we are indeed acquainted
with it all--I met Lady Teazle coming from Mr. Surface's so humbled,
that she deigned to request ME to be her advocate with you--

SIR PETER. And does Sir Oliver know all too?

SIR OLIVER. Every circumstance!

SIR PETER. What of the closet and the screen--hey[? ]

SIR OLIVER. Yes yes--and the little French Milliner. Oh, I have been
vastly diverted with the story! ha! ha! ha!

SIR PETER. 'Twas very pleasant!

SIR OLIVER. I never laugh'd more in my life, I assure you: ha! ha!

SIR PETER. O vastly diverting! ha! ha!

ROWLEY. To be sure Joseph with his Sentiments! ha! ha!

SIR PETER. Yes his sentiments! ha! ha! a hypocritical Villain!

SIR OLIVER. Aye and that Rogue Charles--to pull Sir Peter out of the
closet: ha! ha!

SIR PETER. Ha! ha! 'twas devilish entertaining to be sure--

SIR OLIVER. Ha! ha! Egad, Sir Peter I should like to have seen your Face
when the screen was thrown down--ha! ha!

SIR PETER. Yes, my face when the Screen was thrown down: ha! ha! ha! O I
must never show my head again!

SIR OLIVER. But come--come it isn't fair to laugh at you neither my old
Friend--tho' upon my soul I can't help it--

SIR PETER. O pray don't restrain your mirth on my account: it does not
hurt me at all--I laugh at the whole affair myself--Yes--yes--I
think being a standing Jest for all one's acquaintance a very happy
situation--O yes--and then of a morning to read the Paragraphs about
Mr. S----, Lady T----, and Sir P----, will be so entertaining! --I shall
certainly leave town tomorrow and never look mankind in the Face again!

ROWLEY. Without affectation Sir Peter, you may despise the ridicule of
Fools--but I see Lady Teazle going towards the next Room--I am sure you
must desire a Reconciliation as earnestly as she does.

SIR OLIVER. Perhaps MY being here prevents her coming to you--well I'll
leave honest Rowley to mediate between you; but he must bring you all
presently to Mr. Surface's--where I am now returning--if not to reclaim
a Libertine, at least to expose Hypocrisy.

SIR PETER. Ah! I'll be present at your discovering yourself there with
all my heart; though 'tis a vile unlucky Place for discoveries.

SIR OLIVER. However it is very convenient to the carrying on of my Plot
that you all live so near one another!

[Exit SIR OLIVER. ]

ROWLEY. We'll follow--

SIR PETER. She is not coming here you see, Rowley--

ROWLEY. No but she has left the Door of that Room open you
perceive. --see she is in Tears--!

SIR PETER. She seems indeed to wish I should go to her. --how dejected
she appears--

ROWLEY. And will you refrain from comforting her--

SIR PETER. Certainly a little mortification appears very becoming in a
wife--don't you think it will do her good to let her Pine a little.

ROWLEY. O this is ungenerous in you--

SIR PETER. Well I know not what to think--you remember Rowley the Letter
I found of her's--evidently intended for Charles?

ROWLEY. A mere forgery, Sir Peter--laid in your way on Purpose--this is
one of the Points which I intend Snake shall give you conviction on--

SIR PETER. I wish I were once satisfied of that--She looks this
way----what a remarkably elegant Turn of the Head she has! Rowley I'll
go to her--

ROWLEY. Certainly--

SIR PETER. Tho' when it is known that we are reconciled, People will
laugh at me ten times more!

ROWLEY. Let--them laugh--and retort their malice only by showing them
you are happy in spite of it.

SIR PETER. Efaith so I will--and, if I'm not mistaken we may yet be the
happiest couple in the country--

ROWLEY. Nay Sir Peter--He who once lays aside suspicion----

SIR PETER.
Hold Master Rowley--if you have any Regard for me--never let
me hear you utter anything like a Sentiment. I have had enough of THEM
to serve me the rest of my Life.

[Exeunt. ]




SCENE THE LAST. --The Library

SURFACE and LADY SNEERWELL

LADY SNEERWELL. Impossible! will not Sir Peter immediately be reconciled
to CHARLES? and of consequence no longer oppose his union with MARIA?
the thought is Distraction to me!

SURFACE. Can Passion--furnish a Remedy?

LADY SNEERWELL. No--nor cunning either. O I was a Fool, an Ideot--to
league with such a Blunderer!

SURFACE. Surely Lady Sneerwell I am the greatest Sufferer--yet you see I
bear the accident with Calmness.

LADY SNEERWELL. Because the Disappointment hasn't reached your
HEART--your interest only attached you to Maria--had you felt for
her--what I have for that ungrateful Libertine--neither your Temper nor
Hypocrisy could prevent your showing the sharpness of your Vexation.

SURFACE. But why should your Reproaches fall on me for this
Disappointment?

LADY SNEERWELL. Are not you the cause of it? what had you to bate in
your Pursuit of Maria to pervert Lady Teazle by the way. --had you not a
sufficient field for your Roguery in blinding Sir Peter and supplanting
your Brother--I hate such an avarice of crimes--'tis an unfair monopoly
and never prospers.

SURFACE. Well I admit I have been to blame--I confess I deviated from
the direct Road of wrong but I don't think we're so totally defeated
neither.

LADY SNEERWELL. No!

SURFACE. You tell me you have made a trial of Snake since we met--and
that you still believe him faithful to us--

LADY SNEERWELL. I do believe so.

SURFACE. And that he has undertaken should it be necessary--to swear and
prove that Charles is at this Time contracted by vows and Honour to
your Ladyship--which some of his former letters to you will serve to
support--

LADY SNEERWELL. This, indeed, might have assisted--

SURFACE. Come--come it is not too late yet--but hark! this is probably
my Unkle Sir Oliver--retire to that Room--we'll consult further when
He's gone. --

LADY SNEERWELL. Well but if HE should find you out to--

SURFACE. O I have no fear of that--Sir Peter will hold his tongue for
his own credit sake--and you may depend on't I shall soon Discover Sir
Oliver's weak side! --

LADY SNEERWELL. I have no diffidence of your abilities--only be constant
to one roguery at a time--

[Exit. ]

SURFACE. I will--I will--So 'tis confounded hard after such bad Fortune,
to be baited by one's confederate in evil--well at all events
my character is so much better than Charles's, that I
certainly--hey--what! --this is not Sir Oliver--but old Stanley
again! --Plague on't that He should return to teaze me just now--I shall
have Sir Oliver come and find him here--and----

Enter SIR OLIVER

Gad's life, Mr. Stanley--why have you come back to plague me at this
time? you must not stay now upon my word!

SIR OLIVER. Sir--I hear your Unkle Oliver is expected here--and tho' He
has been so penurious to you, I'll try what He'll do for me--

SURFACE. Sir! 'tis impossible for you to stay now--so I must beg----come
any other time and I promise you you shall be assisted.

SIR OLIVER. No--Sir Oliver and I must be acquainted--

SURFACE. Zounds Sir then [I] insist on your quitting the--Room
directly--

SIR OLIVER. Nay Sir----

SURFACE. Sir--I insist on't--here William show this Gentleman out. Since
you compel me Sir--not one moment--this is such insolence.

[Going to push him out. ]

Enter CHARLES

CHARLES. Heyday! what's the matter now? --what the Devil have you got
hold of my little Broker here! Zounds--Brother, don't hurt little
Premium. What's the matter--my little Fellow?

SURFACE. So! He has been with you, too, has He--

CHARLES. To be sure He has! Why, 'tis as honest a little----But sure
Joseph you have not been borrowing money too have you?

SURFACE. Borrowing--no! --But, Brother--you know sure we expect Sir
Oliver every----

CHARLES. O Gad, that's true--Noll mustn't find the little Broker here to
be sure--

SURFACE. Yet Mr. Stanley insists----

CHARLES. Stanley--why his name's Premium--

SURFACE. No no Stanley.

CHARLES. No, no--Premium.

SURFACE. Well no matter which--but----

CHARLES. Aye aye Stanley or Premium, 'tis the same thing as you say--for
I suppose He goes by half a hundred Names, besides A. B's at the
Coffee-House. [Knock. ]

SURFACE. 'Sdeath--here's Sir Oliver at the Door----Now I beg--Mr.
Stanley----

CHARLES. Aye aye and I beg Mr. Premium----

SIR OLIVER. Gentlemen----

SURFACE. Sir, by Heaven you shall go--

CHARLES. Aye out with him certainly----

SIR OLIVER. This violence----

SURFACE. 'Tis your own Fault.

CHARLES. Out with him to be sure. [Both forcing SIR OLIVER out. ]

Enter SIR PETER TEAZLE, LADY TEAZLE, MARIA, and ROWLEY

SIR PETER. My old Friend, Sir Oliver! --hey! what in the name of
wonder! --Here are dutiful Nephews! --assault their Unkle at his first
Visit!

LADY TEAZLE. Indeed Sir Oliver 'twas well we came in to rescue you.

ROWLEY. Truly it was--for I perceive Sir Oliver the character of old
Stanley was no Protection to you.

SIR OLIVER. Nor of Premium either--the necessities of the former could
not extort a shilling from that benevolent Gentleman; and with the other
I stood a chance of faring worse than my Ancestors, and being knocked
down without being bid for.

SURFACE. Charles!

CHARLES. Joseph!

SURFACE. 'Tis compleat!

CHARLES. Very!

SIR OLIVER. Sir Peter--my Friend and Rowley too--look on that elder
Nephew of mine--You know what He has already received from my Bounty and
you know also how gladly I would have look'd on half my Fortune as held
in trust for him--judge then my Disappointment in discovering him to be
destitute of Truth--Charity--and Gratitude--

SIR PETER. Sir Oliver--I should be more surprized at this Declaration,
if I had not myself found him to be selfish--treacherous and
Hypocritical.

LADY TEAZLE. And if the Gentleman pleads not guilty to these pray let
him call ME to his Character.

SIR PETER. Then I believe we need add no more--if He knows himself He
will consider it as the most perfect Punishment that He is known to the
world--

CHARLES. If they talk this way to Honesty--what will they say to ME by
and bye!

SIR OLIVER. As for that Prodigal--his Brother there----

CHARLES. Aye now comes my Turn--the damn'd Family Pictures will ruin
me--

SURFACE. Sir Oliver--Unkle--will you honour me with a hearing--

CHARLES. I wish Joseph now would make one of his long speeches and I
might recollect myself a little--

SIR OLIVER. And I suppose you would undertake to vindicate yourself
entirely--

SURFACE. I trust I could--

SIR OLIVER. Nay--if you desert your Roguery in its Distress and try to
be justified--you have even less principle than I thought you had. --[To
CHARLES SURFACE] Well, Sir--and YOU could JUSTIFY yourself too I
suppose--

CHARLES. Not that I know of, Sir Oliver.

SIR OLIVER. What[! ] little Premium has been let too much into the secret
I presume.

CHARLES. True--Sir--but they were Family Secrets, and should not be
mentioned again you know.

ROWLEY. Come Sir Oliver I know you cannot speak of Charles's Follies
with anger.

SIR OLIVER. Odd's heart no more I can--nor with gravity either--Sir
Peter do you know the Rogue bargain'd with me for all his
Ancestors--sold me judges and Generals by the Foot, and Maiden Aunts as
cheap as broken China!

CHARLES. To be sure, Sir Oliver, I did make a little free with the
Family Canvas that's the truth on't:--my Ancestors may certainly rise in
judgment against me there's no denying it--but believe me sincere when I
tell you, and upon my soul I would not say so if I was not--that if I do
not appear mortified at the exposure of my Follies, it is because I
feel at this moment the warmest satisfaction in seeing you, my liberal
benefactor.

SIR OLIVER. Charles--I believe you--give me your hand again: the
ill-looking little fellow over the Couch has made your Peace.

CHARLES. Then Sir--my Gratitude to the original is still encreased.

LADY TEAZLE. [Advancing. ] Yet I believe, Sir Oliver, here is one whom
Charles is still more anxious to be reconciled to.

SIR OLIVER. O I have heard of his Attachment there--and, with the young
Lady's Pardon if I construe right that Blush----

SIR PETER. Well--Child--speak your sentiments--you know--we are going to
be reconciled to Charles--

MARIA. Sir--I have little to say--but that I shall rejoice to hear that
He is happy--For me--whatever claim I had to his Affection--I willing
resign to one who has a better title.

CHARLES. How Maria!

SIR PETER. Heyday--what's the mystery now? while he appeared an
incorrigible Rake, you would give your hand to no one else and now that
He's likely to reform I'll warrant You won't have him!

MARIA. His own Heart--and Lady Sneerwell know the cause.

[CHARLES. ] Lady Sneerwell!

SURFACE. Brother it is with great concern--I am obliged to speak on
this Point, but my Regard to justice obliges me--and Lady Sneerwell's
injuries can no longer--be concealed--[Goes to the Door. ]

Enter LADY SNEERWELL

SIR PETER. Soh! another French milliner egad! He has one in every Room
in the House I suppose--

LADY SNEERWELL. Ungrateful Charles! Well may you be surprised and feel
for the indelicate situation which your Perfidy has forced me into.

CHARLES. Pray Unkle, is this another Plot of yours? for as I have Life I
don't understand it.

SURFACE. I believe Sir there is but the evidence of one Person more
necessary to make it extremely clear.

SIR PETER. And that Person--I imagine, is Mr. Snake--Rowley--you were
perfectly right to bring him with us--and pray let him appear.

ROWLEY. Walk in, Mr. Snake--

Enter SNAKE

I thought his Testimony might be wanted--however it happens unluckily
that He comes to confront Lady Sneerwell and not to support her--

LADY SNEERWELL. A Villain! --Treacherous to me at last! Speak, Fellow,
have you too conspired against me?

SNAKE. I beg your Ladyship--ten thousand Pardons--you paid me extremely
Liberally for the Lie in question--but I unfortunately have been offer'd
double to speak the Truth.

LADY SNEERWELL. The Torments of Shame and Disappointment on you all!

LADY TEAZLE. Hold--Lady Sneerwell--before you go let me thank you for
the trouble you and that Gentleman have taken in writing Letters from me
to Charles and answering them yourself--and let me also request you
to make my Respects to the Scandalous College--of which you are
President--and inform them that Lady Teazle, Licentiate, begs leave to
return the diploma they granted her--as she leaves of[f] Practice and
kills Characters no longer.

LADY SNEERWELL. Provoking--insolent! --may your Husband live these fifty
years!

[Exit. ]

SIR PETER. Oons what a Fury----

LADY TEAZLE. A malicious Creature indeed!