No More Learning

STREPSIADES. Athens! you are mistaken; I see no courts sitting. [493]

DISCIPLE. Nevertheless it is really and truly the Attic territory.

STREPSIADES. And where are my neighbours of Cicynna?

DISCIPLE. They live here. This is Euboea; you see this island, that is so
long and narrow.

STREPSIADES. I know. 'Tis we and Pericles, who have stretched it by dint
of squeezing it. [494] And where is Lacedaemon?

DISCIPLE. Lacedaemon? Why, here it is, look.

STREPSIADES. How near it is to us! Think it well over, it must be removed
to a greater distance.

DISCIPLE. But, by Zeus, that is not possible.

STREPSIADES. Then, woe to you! And who is this man suspended up in a
basket?

DISCIPLE. 'Tis _he himself_.

STREPSIADES. Who himself?

DISCIPLE. Socrates.

STREPSIADES. Socrates! Oh! I pray you, call him right loudly for me.

DISCIPLE. Call him yourself; I have no time to waste.

STREPSIADES. Socrates! my little Socrates!

SOCRATES. Mortal, what do you want with me?

STREPSIADES. First, what are you doing up there? Tell me, I beseech you.

SOCRATES. I traverse the air and contemplate the sun.

STREPSIADES. Thus 'tis not on the solid ground, but from the height of
this basket, that you slight the gods, if indeed. . . . [495]

SOCRATES. I have to suspend my brain and mingle the subtle essence of my
mind with this air, which is of the like nature, in order to clearly
penetrate the things of heaven. [496] I should have discovered nothing,
had I remained on the ground to consider from below the things that are
above; for the earth by its force attracts the sap of the mind to itself.
'Tis just the same with the water-cress. [497]

STREPSIADES. What? Does the mind attract the sap of the water-cress? Ah!
my dear little Socrates, come down to me! I have come to ask you for
lessons.

SOCRATES. And for what lessons?

STREPSIADES. I want to learn how to speak. I have borrowed money, and my
merciless creditors do not leave me a moment's peace; all my goods are at
stake.

SOCRATES. And how was it you did not see that you were getting so much
into debt?

STREPSIADES. My ruin has been the madness for horses, a most rapacious
evil; but teach me one of your two methods of reasoning, the one whose
object is not to repay anything, and, may the gods bear witness, that I
am ready to pay any fee you may name.

SOCRATES. By which gods will you swear? To begin with, the gods are not a
coin current with us.

STREPSIADES. But what do you swear by then? By the iron money of
Byzantium? [498]

SOCRATES. Do you really wish to know the truth of celestial matters?

STREPSIADES. Why, truly, if 'tis possible.

SOCRATES. . . . and to converse with the clouds, who are our genii?

STREPSIADES. Without a doubt.

SOCRATES. Then be seated on this sacred couch.

STREPSIADES. I am seated.

SOCRATES. Now take this chaplet.

STREPSIADES. Why a chaplet? Alas! Socrates, would you sacrifice me, like
Athamas? [499]

SOCRATES. No, these are the rites of initiation.

STREPSIADES. And what is it I am to gain?

SOCRATES. You will become a thorough rattle-pate, a hardened old stager,
the fine flour of the talkers. . . . But come, keep quiet.

STREPSIADES. By Zeus! You lie not! Soon I shall be nothing but
wheat-flour, if you powder me in this fashion. [500]

SOCRATES. Silence, old man, give heed to the prayers. . . . Oh! most mighty
king, the boundless air, that keepest the earth suspended in space, thou
bright Aether and ye venerable goddesses, the Clouds, who carry in your
loins the thunder and the lightning, arise, ye sovereign powers and
manifest yourselves in the celestial spheres to the eyes of the sage.

STREPSIADES. Not yet! Wait a bit, till I fold my mantle double, so as not
to get wet. And to think that I did not even bring my travelling cap!
What a misfortune!

SOCRATES. Come, oh! Clouds, whom I adore, come and show yourselves to
this man, whether you be resting on the sacred summits of Olympus,
crowned with hoar-frost, or tarrying in the gardens of Ocean, your
father, forming sacred choruses with the Nymphs; whether you be gathering
the waves of the Nile in golden vases or dwelling in the Maeotic marsh or
on the snowy rocks of Mimas, hearken to my prayer and accept my offering.
May these sacrifices be pleasing to you.

CHORUS. Eternal Clouds, let us appear, let us arise from the roaring
depths of Ocean, our father; let us fly towards the lofty mountains,
spread our damp wings over their forest-laden summits, whence we will
dominate the distant valleys, the harvest fed by the sacred earth, the
murmur of the divine streams and the resounding waves of the sea, which
the unwearying orb lights up with its glittering beams. But let us shake
off the rainy fogs, which hide our immortal beauty and sweep the earth
from afar with our gaze.

SOCRATES. Oh, venerated goddesses, yes, you are answering my call! (_To
Strepsiades. _) Did you hear their voices mingling with the awful growling
of the thunder?

STREPSIADES. Oh! adorable Clouds, I revere you and I too am going to let
off _my_ thunder, so greatly has your own affrighted me. Faith! whether
permitted or not, I must, I must shit!

SOCRATES. No scoffing; do not copy those accursed comic poets. Come,
silence! a numerous host of goddesses approaches with songs.

CHORUS. Virgins, who pour forth the rains, let us move toward Attica, the
rich country of Pallas, the home of the brave; let us visit the dear land
of Cecrops, where the secret rites[501] are celebrated, where the
mysterious sanctuary flies open to the initiate. . . . What victims are
offered there to the deities of heaven! What glorious temples! What
statues! What holy prayers to the rulers of Olympus! At every season
nothing but sacred festivals, garlanded victims, are to be seen. Then
Spring brings round again the joyous feasts of Dionysus, the harmonious
contests of the choruses and the serious melodies of the flute.

STREPSIADES. By Zeus! Tell me, Socrates, I pray you, who are these women,
whose language is so solemn; can they be demigoddesses?

SOCRATES. Not at all. They are the Clouds of heaven, great goddesses for
the lazy; to them we owe all, thoughts, speeches, trickery, roguery,
boasting, lies, sagacity.

STREPSIADES. Ah! that was why, as I listened to them, my mind spread out
its wings; it burns to babble about trifles, to maintain worthless
arguments, to voice its petty reasons, to contradict, to tease some
opponent. But are they not going to show themselves? I should like to see
them, were it possible.

SOCRATES. Well, look this way in the direction of Parnes;[502] I already
see those who are slowly descending.

STREPSIADES. But where, where? Show them to me.

SOCRATES. They are advancing in a throng, following an oblique path
across the dales and thickets.

STREPSIADES. 'Tis strange! I can see nothing.

SOCRATES. There, close to the entrance.

STREPSIADES. Hardly, if at all, can I distinguish them.

SOCRATES. You _must_ see them clearly now, unless your eyes are filled
with gum as thick as pumpkins.

STREPSIADES. Aye, undoubtedly! Oh! the venerable goddesses! Why, they
fill up the entire stage.

SOCRATES. And you did not know, you never suspected, that they were
goddesses?

STREPSIADES. No, indeed; methought the Clouds were only fog, dew and
vapour.

SOCRATES. But what you certainly do not know is that they are the support
of a crowd of quacks, both the diviners, who were sent to Thurium,[503]
the notorious physicians, the well-combed fops, who load their fingers
with rings down to the nails, and the baggarts, who write dithyrambic
verses, all these are idlers whom the Clouds provide a living for,
because they sing them in their verses.

STREPSIADES. 'Tis then for this that they praise "the rapid flight of the
moist clouds, which veil the brightness of day" and "the waving locks of
the hundred-headed Typho" and "the impetuous tempests, which float
through the heavens, like birds of prey with aerial wings, loaded with
mists" and "the rains, the dew, which the clouds outpour. "[504] As a
reward for these fine phrases they bolt well-grown, tasty mullet and
delicate thrushes.

SOCRATES. Yes, thanks to these. And is it not right and meet?

STREPSIADES.
Tell me then why, if these really are the Clouds, they so
very much resemble mortals. This is not their usual form.

SOCRATES. What are they like then?

STREPSIADES. I don't know exactly; well, they are like great packs of
wool, but not like women--no, not in the least. . . . And these have noses.

SOCRATES. Answer my questions.

STREPSIADES. Willingly! Go on, I am listening.

SOCRATES. Have you not sometimes seen clouds in the sky like a centaur, a
leopard, a wolf or a bull?

STREPSIADES. Why, certainly I have, but what then?

SOCRATES. They take what metamorphosis they like. If they see a debauchee
with long flowing locks and hairy as a beast, like the son of
Xenophantes,[505] they take the form of a Centaur[506] in derision of his
shameful passion.

STREPSIADES. And when they see Simon, that thiever of public money, what
do they do then?

SOCRATES. To picture him to the life, they turn at once into wolves.

STREPSIADES. So that was why yesterday, when they saw Cleonymus,[507] who
cast away his buckler because he is the veriest poltroon amongst men,
they changed into deer.

SOCRATES. And to-day they have seen Clisthenes;[508] you see . . . they are
women.

STREPSIADES. Hail, sovereign goddesses, and if ever you have let your
celestial voice be heard by mortal ears, speak to me, oh! speak to me, ye
all-powerful queens.

CHORUS. Hail! veteran of the ancient times, you who burn to instruct
yourself in fine language. And you, great high-priest of subtle nonsense,
tell us your desire. To you and Prodicus[509] alone of all the hollow
orationers of to-day have we lent an ear--to Prodicus, because of his
knowledge and his great wisdom, and to you, because you walk with head
erect, a confident look, barefooted, resigned to everything and proud of
our protection.

STREPSIADES. Oh! Earth! What august utterances! how sacred! how wondrous!

SOCRATES. That is because these are the only goddesses; all the rest are
pure myth.

STREPSIADES. But by the Earth! is our Father, Zeus, the Olympian, not a
god?

SOCRATES. Zeus! what Zeus? Are you mad? There is no Zeus.

STREPSIADES. What are you saying now? Who causes the rain to fall? Answer
me that!

SOCRATES. Why, 'tis these, and I will prove it. Have you ever seen it
raining without clouds? Let Zeus then cause rain with a clear sky and
without their presence!

STREPSIADES. By Apollo! that is powerfully argued! For my own part, I
always thought it was Zeus pissing into a sieve. But tell me, who is it
makes the thunder, which I so much dread?

SOCRATES. 'Tis these, when they roll one over the other.

STREPSIADES. But how can that be? you most daring among men!

SOCRATES. Being full of water, and forced to move along, they are of
necessity precipitated in rain, being fully distended with moisture from
the regions where they have been floating; hence they bump each other
heavily and burst with great noise.

STREPSIADES. But is it not Zeus who forces them to move?

SOCRATES. Not at all; 'tis aerial Whirlwind.

STREPSIADES. The Whirlwind! ah! I did not know that. So Zeus, it seems,
has no existence, and 'tis the Whirlwind that reigns in his stead? But
you have not yet told me what makes the roll of the thunder?

SOCRATES. Have you not understood me then? I tell you, that the Clouds,
when full of rain, bump against one another, and that, being inordinately
swollen out, they burst with a great noise.

STREPSIADES. How can you make me credit that?

SOCRATES. Take yourself as an example. When you have heartily gorged on
stew at the Panathenaea, you get throes of stomach-ache and then suddenly
your belly resounds with prolonged growling.

STREPSIADES. Yes, yes, by Apollo! I suffer, I get colic, then the stew
sets a-growling like thunder and finally bursts forth with a terrific
noise. At first, 'tis but a little gurgling _pappax, pappax_! then it
increases, _papapappax! _ and when I seek relief, why, 'tis thunder
indeed, _papapappax! pappax! ! papapappax! ! ! _ just like the clouds.

SOCRATES. Well then, reflect what a noise is produced by your belly,
which is but small. Shall not the air, which is boundless, produce these
mighty claps of thunder?

STREPSIADES. But tell me this. Whence comes the lightning, the dazzling
flame, which at times consumes the man it strikes, at others hardly
singes him. Is it not plain, that 'tis Zeus hurling it at the perjurers?

SOCRATES. Out upon the fool! the driveller! he still savours of the
golden age! If Zeus strikes at the perjurers, why has he not blasted
Simon, Cleonymus and Theorus? [510] Of a surety, greater perjurers cannot
exist. No, he strikes his own Temple, and Sunium, the promontory of
Athens,[511] and the towering oaks. Now, why should he do that? An oak is
no perjurer.

STREPSIADES. I cannot tell, but it seems to me well argued. What is the
thunder then?

SOCRATES. When a dry wind ascends to the Clouds and gets shut into them,
it blows them out like a bladder; finally, being too confined, it bursts
them, escapes with fierce violence and a roar to flash into flame by
reason of its own impetuosity.

STREPSIADES. Forsooth, 'tis just what happened to me one day. 'Twas at
the feast of Zeus! I was cooking a sow's belly for my family and I had
forgotten to slit it open. It swelled out and, suddenly bursting,
discharged itself right into my eyes and burnt my face.

CHORUS. Oh, mortal! you, who desire to instruct yourself in our great
wisdom, the Athenians, the Greeks will envy you your good fortune. Only
you must have the memory and ardour for study, you must know how to stand
the tests, hold your own, go forward without feeling fatigue, caring but
little for food, abstaining from wine, gymnastic exercises and other
similar follies, in fact, you must believe as every man of intellect
should, that the greatest of all blessings is to live and think more
clearly than the vulgar herd, to shine in the contests of words.

STREPSIADES. If it be a question of hardiness for labour, of spending
whole nights at work, of living sparingly, of fighting my stomach and
only eating chick-pease, rest assured, I am as hard as an anvil.

SOCRATES. Henceforward, following our example, you will recognize no
other gods but Chaos, the Clouds and the Tongue, these three alone.

STREPSIADES. I would not speak to the others, even if I should meet them
in the street; not a single sacrifice, not a libation, not a grain of
incense for them!

CHORUS. Tell us boldly then what you want of us; you cannot fail to
succeed, if you honour and revere us and if you are resolved to become a
clever man.

STREPSIADES. Oh, sovereign goddesses, 'tis but a very small favour that I
ask of you; grant that I may distance all the Greeks by a hundred stadia
in the art of speaking.

CHORUS. We grant you this, and henceforward no eloquence shall more often
succeed with the people than your own.

STREPSIADES. May the god shield me from possessing great eloquence! 'Tis
not what I want. I want to be able to turn bad lawsuits to my own
advantage and to slip through the fingers of my creditors.

CHORUS. It shall be as you wish, for your ambitions are modest. Commit
yourself fearlessly to our ministers, the sophists.

STREPSIADES. This will I do, for I trust in you. Moreover there is no
drawing back, what with these cursed horses and this marriage, which has
eaten up my vitals. So let them do with me as they will; I yield my body
to them. Come blows, come hunger, thirst, heat or cold, little matters it
to me; they may flay me, if I only escape my debts, if only I win the
reputation of being a bold rascal, a fine speaker, impudent, shameless, a
braggart, and adept at stringing lies, an old stager at quibbles, a
complete table of the laws, a thorough rattle, a fox to slip through any
hole; supple as a leathern strap, slippery as an eel, an artful fellow, a
blusterer, a villain; a knave with a hundred faces, cunning, intolerable,
a gluttonous dog. With such epithets do I seek to be greeted; on these
terms, they can treat me as they choose, and, if they wish, by Demeter!
they can turn me into sausages and serve me up to the philosophers.

CHORUS. Here have we a bold and well-disposed pupil indeed. When we shall
have taught you, your glory among the mortals will reach even to the
skies.

STREPSIADES. Wherein will that profit me?

CHORUS. You will pass your whole life among us and will be the most
envied of men.

STREPSIADES. Shall I really ever see such happiness?

CHORUS. Clients will be everlastingly besieging your door in crowds,
burning to get at you, to explain their business to you and to consult
you about their suits, which, in return for your ability, will bring you
in great sums. But, Socrates, begin the lessons you want to teach this
old man; rouse his mind, try the strength of his intelligence.

SOCRATES. Come, tell me the kind of mind you have; 'tis important I know
this, that I may order my batteries against you in a new fashion.

STREPSIADES. Eh, what! in the name of the gods, are you purposing to
assault me then?

SOCRATES. No. I only wish to ask you some questions. Have you any memory?

STREPSIADES. That depends: if anything is owed me, my memory is
excellent, but if I owe, alas! I have none whatever.

SOCRATES. Have you a natural gift for speaking?

STREPSIADES. For speaking, no; for cheating, yes.

SOCRATES. How will you be able to learn then?

STREPSIADES. Very easily, have no fear.

SOCRATES. Thus, when I throw forth some philosophical thought anent
things celestial, you will seize it in its very flight?

STREPSIADES. Then I am to snap up wisdom much as a dog snaps up a morsel?

SOCRATES. Oh!