No More Learning

What does it all mean?

_Her_. What satisfaction it affords to their friends in Hades, I am
unable to say. But the idea is, that the shades come up, and get as
close as they can, and feed upon the savoury steam of the meat, and
drink the mead in the trench.

_Ch_. Eat and drink, when their skulls are dry bone? But I am wasting
my breath: you bring them down every day;--_you_ can say whether they
are likely ever to get up again, once they are safely underground!
That would be too much of a good thing! You would have your work cut
out for you and no mistake, if you had not only to bring them down,
but also to take them up again when they wanted a drink. Oh, fools and
blockheads! You little know how we arrange matters, or what a gulf is
set betwixt the living and the dead!

The buried and unburied, both are Death's.
He ranks alike the beggar and the king;
Thersites sits by fair-haired Thetis' son.
Naked and withered roam the fleeting shades
Together through the fields of asphodel.

_Her_. Bless me, what a deluge of Homer! And now I think of it, I must
show you Achilles's tomb. There it is on the Trojan shore, at Sigeum.
And across the water is Rhoeteum, where Ajax lies buried.

_Ch_. Rather small tombs, considering. Now show me the great cities,
those that we hear talked about in Hades; Nineveh, Babylon, Mycenae,
Cleonae, and Troy itself. I shipped numbers across from there, I
remember. For ten years running I had no time to haul my boat up and
clean it.

_Her_. Why, as to Nineveh, it is gone, friend, long ago, and has left
no trace behind it; there is no saying whereabouts it may have been.
But there is Babylon, with its fine battlements and its enormous wall.
Before long it will be as hard to find as Nineveh. As to Mycenae and
Cleonae, I am ashamed to show them to you, let alone Troy. You will
throttle Homer, for certain, when you get back, for puffing them so.
They were prosperous cities, too, in their day; but they have gone the
way of all flesh. Cities, my friend, die, just like men; stranger
still, so do rivers! Inachus is gone from Argos--not a puddle left.

_Ch_. Oh, Homer, Homer! You and your 'holy Troy,' and your 'city of
broad streets,' and your 'strong-walled Cleonae'! --By the way, what is
that battle going on over there? What are they murdering one another
about?

_Her_. It is between the Argives and the Lacedaemonians. The general
who lies there half-dead, writing an inscription on the trophy with
his own blood, is Othryades.

_Ch_. And what were they fighting for?

_Her_. For the field of battle, neither more nor less.

_Ch_. The fools! Not to know that though each one of them should win
to himself a whole Peloponnesus, he will get but a bare foot of ground
from Aeacus! As to yonder plain, one nation will till it after
another, and many a time will that trophy be turned up by the plough.

_Her_. Even so. And now let us get down, and put these mountains to
rights again. After which, I must be off on my errand, and you back to
your ferry. You will see me there before long, with the day's
contingent of shades.

_Ch_. I am much obliged to you, Hermes; the service shall be
perpetuated in my records. Thanks to you, my outing has been a
success. Dear, dear, what a world it is! --And never a word of Charon!

F.




OF SACRIFICE


Methinks that man must lie sore stricken under the hand of sorrow, who
has not a smile left for the folly of his superstitious brethren, when
he sees them at work on sacrifice and festival and worship of the
gods, hears the subject of their prayers, and marks the nature of
their creed. Nor, I fancy, will a smile be all. He will first have a
question to ask himself: Is he to call them devout worshippers or very
outcasts, who think so meanly of God as to suppose that he can require
anything at the hand of man, can take pleasure in their flattery, or
be wounded by their neglect? Thus the afflictions of the Calydonians,
that long tale of misery and violence, ending with the death of
Meleager--all is attributed to the resentment of Artemis, at Oeneus's
neglect in not inviting her to a feast. She must have taken the
disappointment very much to heart. I fancy I see her, poor Goddess,
left all alone in Heaven, after the rest have set out for Calydon,
brooding darkly over the fine spread at which she will not be present.
Those Ethiopians, too; privileged, thrice-happy mortals! Zeus, one
supposes, is not unmindful of the handsome manner in which they
entertained him and all his family for twelve days running. With the
Gods, clearly, nothing goes for nothing. Each blessing has its price.
Health is to be had, say, for a calf; wealth, for a couple of yoke of
oxen; a kingdom, for a hecatomb. A safe conduct from Troy to Pylos has
fetched as much as nine bulls, and a passage from Aulis to Troy has
been quoted at a princess. For six yoke of oxen and a robe, Athene
sold Hecuba a reprieve for Troy; and it is to be presumed that a cock,
a garland, a handful of frankincense, will each buy something.

Chryses, that experienced divine and eminent theologian, seems to have
realized this principle. Returning from his fruitless visit to
Agamemnon, he approaches Apollo with the air of a creditor, and
demands repayment of his loan. His attitude is one of remonstrance,
almost, 'Good Apollo,' he cries, 'here have I been garlanding your
temple, where never garland hung before, and burning unlimited thigh-
pieces of bulls and goats upon your altars: yet when I suffer wrong,
you take no heed; you count my benefactions as nothing worth. ' The God
is quite put out of countenance: he seizes his bow, settles down in
the harbour and smites the Achaeans with shafts of pestilence, them
and their mules and their dogs.

And now that I have mentioned Apollo, I cannot refrain from an
allusion to certain other passages in his life, which are recorded by
the sages. With his unfortunate love affairs--the sad end of Hyacinth,
and the cruelty of Daphne--we are not concerned. But when that vote
of censure was passed on him for the slaughter of the Cyclopes, he was
dismissed from Heaven, and condemned to share the fortunes of men upon
earth. It was then that he served Admetus in Thessaly, and Laomedon in
Phrygia; and in the latter service he was not alone. He and Posidon
together, since better might not be, made bricks and built the walls
of Troy; and did not even get their full wages;--the Phrygian, it is
said, remained their debtor for no less a sum than five-and-twenty
shillings Trojan, and odd pence. These, and yet holier mysteries than
these, are the high themes of our poets. They tell of Hephaestus and
of Prometheus; of Cronus and Rhea, and well-nigh all the family of
Zeus. And as they never commence their poems without bespeaking the
assistance of the Muses, we must conclude that it is under that divine
inspiration that they sing, how Cronus unmanned his father Uranus, and
was king in his room; and how, like Argive Thyestes, he swallowed his
own children; and how thereafter Rhea saved Zeus by the fraud of the
stone, and the child was exposed in Crete, and suckled by a goat, as
Telephus was by a hind, and Cyrus the Great by a bitch; and how he
dethroned his father, and threw him into prison, and was king; and of
his many wives, and how finally (like a Persian or an Assyrian) he
married his own sister Hera; and of his love adventures, and how he
peopled the Heaven with gods, ay, and with demi-gods, the rogued for
he wooed the daughters of earth, appearing to them now in a shower of
gold, now in the form of a bull or a swan or an eagle; a very Proteus
for versatility. Once, and only once, he conceived within his own
brain, and gave birth to Athene. For Dionysus, they say, he tore from
the womb of Semele before the fire had yet consumed her, and hid the
child within his thigh, till the time of travail was come.

Similarly, we find Hera conceiving without external assistance, and
giving birth to Hephaestus; no child of fortune he, but a base
mechanic, living all his life at the forge, soot-begrimed as any
stoker. He is not even sound of limb; he has been lame ever since Zeus
threw him down from Heaven. Fortunately for us the Lemnians broke his
fall, or there would have been an end of him, as surely as there was
of Astyanax when he was flung from the battlements. But Hephaestus is
nothing to Prometheus. Who knows not the sorrows of that officious
philanthropist? How he too fell a victim to the wrath of Zeus, and was
carried into Scythia, and nailed up on Caucasus, with an eagle to keep
him company and make daily havoc of his liver? However, _there_ was a
reckoning settled, at any rate. But Rhea, now! We cannot, I think,
pass over her conduct unnoticed. It is surely most discreditable;--a
lady of her venerable years, the mother of such a family, still
feeling the pangs of love and jealousy, and carrying her beloved Attis
about with her in the lion-drawn car,--and he so ill qualified to play
the lover's part! After that, we can but wink, if we find Aphrodite
making a slip, or Selene time after time pulling up in mid-career to
pay a visit to Endymion.

But enough of scandal. Borne on the wings of poesy, let us take flight
for Heaven itself, as Homer and Hesiod have done before us, and see
how all is disposed up there. The vault is of brass on the under side,
as we know from Homer. But climb over the edge, and take a peep up.
You are now actually in Heaven. Observe the increase of light; here is
a purer Sun, and brighter stars; daylight is everywhere, and the floor
is of gold. We arrive first at the abode of the Seasons; they are the
fortresses of Heaven. Then we have Iris and Hermes, the servants and
messengers of Zeus; and next Hephaestus's smithy, which is stocked
with all manner of cunning contrivances. Last come the dwellings of
the Gods, and the palace of Zeus. All are the work of Hephaestus; and
noble work it is.

Hard by the throne of Zeus

(I suppose we must adapt our language to our altitude)

sit all the gods.

Their eyes are turned downwards; intently they search every corner of
the earth; is there nowhere a fire to be seen, or the steam of burnt-
offerings

. . . in eddying clouds upborne?

If a sacrifice is going forward, all mouths are open to feast upon the
smoke; like flies they settle on the altar to drink up the trickling
streams of blood. If they are dining at home, nectar and ambrosia is
the bill of fare. In ancient days, mortals have eaten and drunk at
their table. Such were Ixion and Tantalus; but they forgot their
manners, and talked too much. They are paying the penalty for it to
this day; and since then mortals have been excluded from Heaven.

The life of the Gods being such as I have described, our religious
ordinances are in admirable harmony with the divine requirements. Our
first care has been to supply each God with his sacred grove, his holy
hill, and his own peculiar bird or plant. The next step was to assign
them their various sacred cities. Apollo has the freedom of Delphi and
Delos, Athene that of Athens (there is no disputing _her_
nationality); Hera is an Argive, Rhea a Mygdonian, Aphrodite a
Paphian. As for Zeus, he is a Cretan born and bred--and buried, as any
native of that island will show you. It was a mistake of ours to
suppose that Zeus was dispensing the thunder and the rain and the rest
of it;--he has been lying snugly underground in Crete all this time.
As it would never have done to leave the Gods without a hearth and
home, temples were now erected, and the services of Phidias,
Polyclitus, and Praxiteles were called in to create images in their
likeness. Chance glimpses of their originals (but where obtained I
know not) enabled these artists to do justice to the beard of Zeus,
the perpetual youth of Apollo, the down on Hermes's cheek, Posidon's
sea-green hair, and Athene's flashing eyes; with the result that on
entering the temple of Zeus men believe that they see before them, not
Indian ivory, nor gold from a Thracian mine, but the veritable son of
Cronus and Rhea, translated to earth by the hand of Phidias, with
instructions to keep watch over the deserted plains of Pisa, and
content with his lot, if, once in four years, a spectator of the games
can snatch a moment to pay him sacrifice.

And now the altars stand ready; proclamation has been made, and
lustration duly performed. The victims are accordingly brought
forward--an ox from the plough, a ram or a goat, according as the
worshipper is a farmer, a shepherd, or a goatherd; sometimes it is
only frankincense or a honey cake; nay, a poor man may conciliate the
God by merely kissing his hand. But it is with the priests that we are
concerned. They first make sure that the victim is without blemish,
and worthy of the sacrificial knife; then they crown him with garlands
and lead him to the altar, where he is slaughtered before the God's
eyes, to the broken accompaniment of his own sanctimonious bellowings,
most musical, most melancholy. The delight of the Gods at such a
spectacle, who can doubt?

According to the proclamation, no man shall approach the holy ground
with _unclean hands_. Yet there stands the priest himself, wallowing
in gore; handling his knife like a very Cyclops, drawing out entrails
and heart, sprinkling the altar with blood,--in short, omitting no
detail of his holy office. Finally, he kindles fire, and sets the
victim bodily thereon, sheep or goat, unfleeced, unflayed. A godly
steam, and fit for godly nostrils, rises heavenwards, and drifts to
each quarter of the sky. The Scythian, by the way, will have nothing
to do with paltry cattle: he offers _men_ to Artemis; and the offering
is appreciated.

But all this, and all that Assyria, Phrygia, and Lydia can show,
amounts to nothing much. If you would see the Gods in their glory, fit
denizens of Heaven, you must go to Egypt. There you will find that
Zeus has sprouted ram's horns, our old friend Hermes has the muzzle of
a dog, and Pan is perfect goat; ibis, crocodile, ape,--each is a God
in disguise.

And wouldst thou know the truth that lurks herein?

If so, you will find no lack of sages and scribes and shaven priests
to inform you (after expulsion of the _profanum vulgus_) how, when the
Giants and their other enemies rose against them, the Gods fled to
Egypt to hide themselves, and there took the form of goat and ram, of
bird and reptile, which forms they preserve to this day. Of all this
they have documentary evidence, dating from thousands of years back,
stored up in their temples. Their sacrifices differ from others only
in this respect, that they go into mourning for the victim, slaying
him first, and beating their breasts for grief afterwards, and (in
some parts) burying him as soon as he is killed. When their great god
Apis dies, off comes every man's hair, however much he values himself
on it; though he had the purple lock of Nisus, it would make no
difference: he must show a sad crown on the occasion, if he die for
it. It is as the result of an election that each succeeding Apis
leaves his pasture for the temple; his superior beauty and majestic
bearing prove that he is something more than bull.

On such absurdities as these, such vulgar credulity, remonstrance
would be thrown away; a Heraclitus would best meet the case, or a
Democritus; for the ignorance of these men is as laughable as their
folly is deplorable.

F.




SALE OF CREEDS

[Footnote: The distinction between the personified creeds or
philosophies here offered for sale, and their various founders or
principal exponents, is but loosely kept up. Not only do most of the
creeds bear the names of their founders, but some are even credited
with their physical peculiarities and their personal experiences. ]

_Zeus. Hermes. Several Dealers. Creeds_.


_Zeus_. Now get those benches straight there, and make the place fit
to be seen. Bring up the lots, one of you, and put them in line. Give
them a rub up first, though; we must have them looking their best, to
attract bidders. Hermes, you can declare the sale-room open, and a
welcome to all comers. --_For Sale! A varied assortment of Live Creeds.
Tenets of every description. --Cash on delivery; or credit allowed on
suitable security_.

_Hermes_. Here they come, swarming in. No time to lose; we must not
keep them waiting.

_Zeus_. Well, let us begin.

_Her_. What are we to put up first?

_Zeus_. The Ionic fellow, with the long hair. He seems a showy piece
of goods.

_Her_. Step up, Pythagoreanism, and show yourself.

_Zeus_. Go ahead.

_Her_. Now here is a creed of the first water. Who bids for this
handsome article? What gentleman says Superhumanity? Harmony of the
Universe! Transmigration of souls! Who bids?

_First Dealer_. He looks all right. And what can he do?

_Her_. Magic, music, arithmetic, geometry, astronomy, jugglery.
Prophecy in all its branches.

_First D_. Can I ask him some questions?

_Her_. Ask away, and welcome.

_First D_. Where do you come from?

_Py_. Samos.

_First D_. Where did you get your schooling?

_Py_.
From the sophists in Egypt.

_First D_. If I buy you, what will you teach me?

_Py_. Nothing. I will remind you.

_First D_. Remind me?

_Py_. But first I shall have to cleanse your soul of its filth.

_First D_. Well, suppose the cleansing process complete. How is the
reminding done?

_Py_. We shall begin with a long course of silent contemplation. Not a
word to be spoken for five years.

_First D_. You would have been just the creed for Croesus's son! But
_I_ have a tongue in my head; I have no ambition to be a statue. And
after the five years' silence?

_Py_. You will study music and geometry.

_First D_. A charming recipe! The way to be wise: learn the guitar.

_Py_. Next you will learn to count.

_First D_. I can do that already.

_Py_. Let me hear you.

_First D_. One, two, three, four,--

_Py_. There you are, you see. _Four_ (as you call it) is _ten_. Four
the perfect triangle. Four the oath of our school.

_First D_. Now by Four, most potent Four! --higher and holier mysteries
than these I never heard.

_Py_. Then you will learn of Earth, Air, Fire, and Water; their
action, their movement, their shapes.

_First D_. Have Fire and Air and Water _shapes_?

_Py_. Clearly. That cannot move which lacks shape and form You will
also find that God is a number; an intelligence; a harmony.

_First D_. You surprise me.

_Py_. More than this, you have to learn that you yourself are not the
person you appear to be.

_First D_. What, I am some one else, not the I who am speaking to you?

_Py_. You are that you now: but you have formerly inhabited another
body, and borne another name. And in course of time you will change
once more.

_First D_. Why then I shall be immortal, and take one shape after
another? But enough of this. And now what is your diet?

_Py_. Of living things I eat none. All else I eat, except beans.

_First D_. And why no beans? Do you dislike them?

_Py_. No. But they are sacred things. Their nature is a mystery.
Consider them first in their generative aspect; take a green one and
peel it, and you will see what I mean. Again, boil one and expose it
to moonlight for a proper number of nights, and you have--blood. What
is more, the Athenians use beans to vote with.

_First D_. Admirable! A very feast of reason. Now just strip, and let
me see what you are like. Bless me, here is a creed with a golden
thigh! He is no mortal, he is a God. I must have him at any price.
What do you start him at?

_Her_. Forty pounds.

_First D_. He is mine for forty pounds.

_Zeus_. Take the gentleman's name and address.

_Her_. He must come from Italy, I should think; Croton or Tarentum, or
one of the Greek towns in those parts. But he is not the only buyer.
Some three hundred of them have clubbed together.

_Zeus_. They are welcome to him. Now up with the next.

_Her_. What about yonder grubby Pontian? [Footnote: See _Diogenes_ in
Notes. ]

_Zeus_. Yes, he will do.

_Her_. You there with the wallet and cloak; come along, walk round the
room. Lot No. 2. A most sturdy and valiant creed, free-born. What
offers?

_Second D_. Hullo, Mr. Auctioneer, are you going to sell a free man?

_Her_. That was the idea.

_Second D_. Take care, he may have you up for kidnapping. This might
be matter for the Areopagus.

_Her_. Oh, he would as soon be sold as not. He feels just as free as
ever.

_Second D_. But what is one to do with such a dirty fellow? He is a
pitiable sight. One might put him to dig perhaps, or to carry water.

_Her_. That he can do and more. Set him to guard your house, and you
will find him better than any watch-dog. --They call him Dog for short.

_Second D_. Where does he come from? and what is his method?

_Her_. He can best tell you that himself.

_Second D_. I don't like his looks. He will probably snarl if I go
near him, or take a snap at me, for all I know. See how he lifts his
stick, and scowls; an awkward-looking customer!

_Her_. Don't be afraid. He is quite tame.

_Second D_. Tell me, good fellow, where do you come from?

_Dio_. Everywhere. _Second D_. What does that mean?

_Dio_. It means that I am a citizen of the world.

_Second D_. And your model?

_Dio_. Heracles.

_Second D_. Then why no lion's-skin? You have the orthodox club.

_Dio_. My cloak is my lion's-skin. Like Heracles, I live in a state of
warfare, and my enemy is Pleasure; but unlike him I am a volunteer. My
purpose is to purify humanity.

_Second D_. A noble purpose. Now what do I understand to be your
strong subject? What is your profession?

_Dio_. The liberation of humanity, and the treatment of the passions.
In short, I am the prophet of Truth and Candour.

_Second D_. Well, prophet; and if I buy you, how shall you handle my
case?

_Dio_. I shall commence operations by stripping off yours
superfluities, putting you into fustian, and leaving you closeted with
Necessity. Then I shall give you a course of hard labour. You will
sleep on the ground, drink water, and fill your belly as best you can.
Have you money? Take my advice and throw it into the sea. With wife
and children and country you will not concern yourself; there will be
no more of that nonsense. You will exchange your present home for a
sepulchre, a ruin, or a tub. What with lupines and close-written
tomes, your knapsack will never be empty; and you will vote yourself
happier than any king. Nor will you esteem it any inconvenience, if a
flogging or a turn of the rack should fall to your lot.

_Second D_. How! Am I a tortoise, a lobster, that I should be flogged
and feel it not?

_Dio_. You will take your cue from Hippolytus; _mutates mutandis_.

_Second D_. How so?

_Dio_. 'The heart may burn, the tongue knows nought thereof'.
[Footnote: Hippolytus (in Euripides's play of that name) is reproached
with having broken an oath, and thus defends himself: 'The tongue hath
sworn: the heart knew nought thereof. '] Above all, be bold, be
impudent; distribute your abuse impartially to king and commoner. They
will admire your spirit. You will talk the Cynic jargon with the true
Cynic snarl, scowling as you walk, and walking as one should who
scowls; an epitome of brutality. Away with modesty, good-nature, and
forbearance. Wipe the blush from your cheek for ever. Your
hunting-ground will be the crowded city. You will live alone in its
midst, holding communion with none, admitting neither friend nor
guest; for such would undermine your power. Scruple not to perform the
deeds of darkness in broad daylight: select your love-adventures with
a view to the public entertainment: and finally, when the fancy takes
you, swallow a raw cuttle-fish, and die. Such are the delights of
Cynicism.

_Second D_. Oh, vile creed! Monstrous creed! Avaunt!

_Dio_. But look you, it is all so easy; it is within every man's
reach. No education is necessary, no nonsensical argumentation. I
offer you a short cut to Glory.