Why, you little
insignificant
reptile!
Richard Brinsley Sheridan
Clara_.
I must help to stay thee,
And thy wrath assuage.
_Don. Louisa_.
Couldst thou not discover
One so dear to thee?
_Don. Clara_.
Canst thou be a lover,
And thus fly from me? [_Both unveil_. ]
_Don Ferd_. How's this? My sister! Clara, too--I'm confounded.
_Don. Louisa_. 'Tis even so, good brother.
_Paul_. How! what impiety? did the man want to marry his own sister?
_Don. Louisa_. And ar'n't you ashamed of yourself not to know your own
sister?
_Don. Clara_. To drive away your own mistress----
_Don. Louisa_. Don't you see how jealousy blinds people?
_Don. Clara_. Ay, and will you ever be jealous again?
_Don Ferd_. Never--never! --You, sister, I know will forgive me--but
how, Clara, shall I presume----
_Don. Clara_. No, no; just now you told me not to tease you--"Who do
you want, good signor? " "Not you, not you! " Oh you blind wretch! but
swear never to be jealous again, and I'll forgive you.
_Don Ferd_. By all----
_Don. Clara_. There, that will do--you'll keep the oath just as well.
[_Gives her hand_. ]
_Don. Louisa_. But, brother, here is one to whom some apology is due.
_Don Ferd_. Antonio, I am ashamed to think----
_Don Ant_. Not a word of excuse, Ferdinand--I have not been in love
myself without learning that a lover's anger should never be resented.
But come--let us retire, with this good father, and we'll explain to
you the cause of this error.
GLEE AND CHORUS.
Oft does Hymen smile to hear
Wordy vows of feign'd regard;
Well, he knows when they're sincere,
Never slow to give reward
For his glory is to prove
Kind to those who wed for love. [_Exeunt_. ]
SCENE VII--_A Grand Saloon in_ DON JEROME'S _House_.
_Enter_ DON JEROME, LOPEZ, _and_ SERVANTS.
_Don Jer_. Be sure, now, let everything be in the best order--let all
my servants have on their merriest faces: but tell them to get as
little drunk as possible, till after supper. --[_Exeunt_ SERVANTS. ] So,
Lopez, where's your master? shan't we have him at supper?
_Lop_. Indeed, I believe not, sir--he's mad, I doubt! I'm sure he has
frighted me from him.
_Don Jer_. Ay, ay, he's after some wench, I suppose: a young rake!
Well, well, we'll be merry without him. [_Exit_ LOPEZ. ]
_Enter a_ SERVANT.
_Ser_. Sir, here is Signor Isaac. [_Exit_. ]
_Enter_ ISAAC.
_Don Jer_. So, my dear son-in-law--there, take my blessing and
forgiveness. But where's my daughter? where's Louisa?
_Isaac_. She's without, impatient for a blessing, but almost afraid to
enter.
_Don Jer_. Oh, fly and bring her in. --[_Exit_ ISAAC. ] Poor girl, I
long to see her pretty face.
_Isaac_. [_Without_. ] Come, my, charmer! my trembling angel!
_Re-enter_ ISAAC _with_ DUENNA; DON JEROME _runs to meet them; she
kneels_.
_Don Jer_. Come to my arms, my--[_Starts back_. ] Why, who the devil
have we here?
_Isaac_. Nay, Don Jerome, you promised her forgiveness; see how the
dear creature droops!
_Don Jer_. Droops indeed! Why, Gad take me, this is old Margaret! But
where's my daughter? where's Louisa?
_Isaac_. Why, here, before your eyes--nay, don't be abashed, my sweet
wife!
_Don Jer_. Wife with a vengeance! Why, zounds! you have not married
the Duenna!
_Duen_. [_Kneeling_. ] Oh, dear papa! you'll not disown me, sure!
_Don Jer_. Papa! papa! Why, zounds! your impudence is as great as your
ugliness!
_Isaac_. Rise, my charmer, go throw your snowy arms about his neck,
and convince him you are----
_Duen_. Oh, sir, forgive me! [_Embraces him_. ]
_Don Jer_. Help! murder!
_Enter_ SERVANTS.
_Ser_. What's the matter, sir?
_Don Jer_. Why, here, this damned Jew has brought an old harridan to
strangle me.
_Isaac_. Lord, it is his own daughter, and he is so hard-hearted he
won't forgive her!
_Enter_ DON ANTONIO _and_ DONNA LOUISA; _they kneel_.
_Don Jer_. Zounds and fury! what's here now? who sent for you, sir,
and who the devil are you?
_Don Ant_. This lady's husband, sir.
_Isaac_. Ay, that he is, I'll be sworn; for I left them with a priest,
and was to have given her away.
_Don Jer_. You were?
_Isaac_. Ay; that's my honest friend, Antonio; and that's the little
girl I told you I had hampered him with.
_Don Jer_. Why, you are either drunk or mad--this is my daughter.
_Isaac_. No, no; 'tis you are both drunk and mad, I think--here's your
daughter.
_Don Jer_. Hark ye, old iniquity! will you explain all this, or not?
_Duen_. Come then, Don Jerome, I will--though our habits might inform
you all. Look on your daughter, there, and on me.
_Isaac_. What's this I hear?
_Duen_. The truth is, that in your passion this morning you made a
small mistake; for you turned your daughter out of doors, and locked
up your humble servant.
_Isaac_. O Lud! O Lud! here's a pretty fellow, to turn his daughter
out of doors, instead of an old Duenna!
_Don Jer_. And, O Lud! O Lud! here's a pretty fellow, to marry an old
Duenna instead of my daughter! But how came the rest about?
_Duen_. I have only to add, that I remained in your daughter's place,
and had the good fortune to engage the affections of my sweet husband
here.
_Isaac_. Her husband! why, you old witch, do you think I'll be your
husband now? This is a trick, a cheat! and you ought all to be ashamed
of yourselves.
_Don Ant_. Hark ye, Isaac, do you dare to complain of tricking? Don
Jerome, I give you my word, this cunning Portuguese has brought all
this upon himself, by endeavouring to overreach you, by getting your
daughter's fortune, without making any settlement in return.
_Don Jer_. Overreach me!
_Don. Louisa_. 'Tis so, indeed, sir, and we can prove it to you.
_Don Jer_. Why, Gad, take me, it must be so, or he never could put up
with such a face as Margaret's--so, little Solomon, I wish you joy of
your wife, with all my soul.
_Don. Louisa_. Isaac, tricking is all fair in love--let you alone for
the plot!
_Don Ant_. A cunning dog, ar'n't you? A sly little villain, eh?
_Don. Louisa_. Roguish, perhaps; but keen, devilish keen!
_Don Jer_. Yes, yes; his aunt always called him little Solomon.
_Isaac_. Why, the plagues of Egypt upon you all! but do you think I'll
submit to such an imposition?
_Don Ant_. Isaac, one serious word--you'd better be content as you
are; for, believe me, you will find that, in the opinion of the world,
there is not a fairer subject for contempt and ridicule than a knave
become the dupe of his own art.
_Isaac_. I don't care--I'll not endure this. Don Jerome, 'tis you have
done this--you would be so cursed positive about the beauty of her you
locked up, and all the time I told you she was as old as my mother,
and as ugly as the devil.
_Duen_.
Why, you little insignificant reptile! ----
_Don Jer_. That's right! --attack him, Margaret.
_Duen_. Dare such a thing as you pretend to talk of beauty? --A walking
rouleau? --a body that seems to owe all its consequence to the dropsy!
a pair of eyes like two dead beetles in a wad of brown dough! a beard
like an artichoke, with dry, shrivelled jaws that would disgrace the
mummy of a monkey?
_Don Jer_. Well done, Margaret!
_Duen_. But you shall know that I have a brother who wears a sword--
and, if you don't do me justice--
_Isaac_. Fire seize your brother, and you too! I'll fly to Jerusalem
to avoid you!
_Duen_. Fly where you will, I'll follow you.
_Don Jer_. Throw your snowy arms about him, Margaret. --[_Exeunt_ ISAAC
_and_ DUENNA. ] But, Louisa, are you really married to this modest
gentleman?
_Don. Louisa_. Sir, in obedience to your commands, I gave him my hand
within this hour.
_Don Jer_. My commands!
_Don Ant_. Yes, sir; here is your consent, under your own hand.
_Don Jer_. How! would you rob me of my child by a trick, a false
pretence? and do you think to get her fortune by the same means? Why,
'slife! you are as great a rogue as Isaac!
_Don Ant_. No, Don Jerome; though I have profited by this paper in
gaining your daughter's hand, I scorn to obtain her fortune by deceit.
There, sir--[_Gives a letter_. ] Now give her your blessing for a
dower, and all the little I possess shall be settled on her in return.
Had you wedded her to a prince, he could do no more.
_Don Jer_. Why, Gad, take me, but you are a very extraordinary fellow!
But have you the impudence to suppose no one can do a generous action
but yourself? Here, Louisa, tell this proud fool of yours that he's
the only man I know that would renounce your fortune; and, by my soul!
he's the only man in Spain that's worthy of it. There, bless you both:
I'm an obstinate old fellow when I'm in the wrong; but you shall now
find me as steady in the right.
_Enter_ DON FERDINAND _and_ DONNA CLARA.
Another wonder still! Why, sirrah! Ferdinand, you have not stole a
nun, have you?
_Don Fred_. She is a nun in nothing but her habit, sir--look nearer,
and you will perceive 'tis Clara d'Almanza, Don Guzman's daughter;
and, with pardon for stealing a wedding, she is also my wife.
_Don Jer_. Gadsbud, and a great fortune! Ferdinand, you are a prudent
young rogue, and I forgive you: and, ifecks, you are a pretty little
damsel. Give your father-in-law a kiss, you smiling rogue!
_Don. Clara_. There, old gentleman; and now mind you behave well to
us.
_Don Jer_. Ifecks, those lips ha'n't been chilled by kissing beads!
Egad, I believe I shall grow the best-humoured fellow in Spain. Lewis!
Sancho! Carlos! d'ye hear? are all my doors thrown open? Our
children's weddings are the only holidays our age can boast; and then
we drain, with pleasure, the little stock of spirits time has left
us. --[_Music within_. ] But, see, here come our friends and neighbours!
_Enter_ MASQUERADERS.
And, i'faith, we'll make a night on't, with wine, and dance, and
catches--then old and young shall join us.
FINALE.
_Don Jer_.
Come now for jest and smiling,
Both old and young beguiling,
Let us laugh and play, so blithe and gay,
Till we banish care away.
_Don. Louisa_.
Thus crown'd with dance and song,
The hours shall glide along,
With a heart at ease, merry, merry glees
Can never fail to please.
_Don Ferd_.
Each bride with blushes glowing,
Our wine as rosy flowing,
Let us laugh and play, so blithe and gay,
Till we banish care away.
_Don Ant_.
Then healths to every friend
The night's repast shall end,
With a heart at ease, merry, merry glees
Can never fail to please.
_Don. Clar_.
Nor, while we are so joyous,
Shall anxious fear annoy us;
Let us laugh and play, so blithe and gay,
Till we banish care away.
_Don Jer_.
For generous guests like these
Accept the wish to please,
So we'll laugh and play, so blithe and gay,
Your smiles drive care away.
[_Exeunt omnes_.
I must help to stay thee,
And thy wrath assuage.
_Don. Louisa_.
Couldst thou not discover
One so dear to thee?
_Don. Clara_.
Canst thou be a lover,
And thus fly from me? [_Both unveil_. ]
_Don Ferd_. How's this? My sister! Clara, too--I'm confounded.
_Don. Louisa_. 'Tis even so, good brother.
_Paul_. How! what impiety? did the man want to marry his own sister?
_Don. Louisa_. And ar'n't you ashamed of yourself not to know your own
sister?
_Don. Clara_. To drive away your own mistress----
_Don. Louisa_. Don't you see how jealousy blinds people?
_Don. Clara_. Ay, and will you ever be jealous again?
_Don Ferd_. Never--never! --You, sister, I know will forgive me--but
how, Clara, shall I presume----
_Don. Clara_. No, no; just now you told me not to tease you--"Who do
you want, good signor? " "Not you, not you! " Oh you blind wretch! but
swear never to be jealous again, and I'll forgive you.
_Don Ferd_. By all----
_Don. Clara_. There, that will do--you'll keep the oath just as well.
[_Gives her hand_. ]
_Don. Louisa_. But, brother, here is one to whom some apology is due.
_Don Ferd_. Antonio, I am ashamed to think----
_Don Ant_. Not a word of excuse, Ferdinand--I have not been in love
myself without learning that a lover's anger should never be resented.
But come--let us retire, with this good father, and we'll explain to
you the cause of this error.
GLEE AND CHORUS.
Oft does Hymen smile to hear
Wordy vows of feign'd regard;
Well, he knows when they're sincere,
Never slow to give reward
For his glory is to prove
Kind to those who wed for love. [_Exeunt_. ]
SCENE VII--_A Grand Saloon in_ DON JEROME'S _House_.
_Enter_ DON JEROME, LOPEZ, _and_ SERVANTS.
_Don Jer_. Be sure, now, let everything be in the best order--let all
my servants have on their merriest faces: but tell them to get as
little drunk as possible, till after supper. --[_Exeunt_ SERVANTS. ] So,
Lopez, where's your master? shan't we have him at supper?
_Lop_. Indeed, I believe not, sir--he's mad, I doubt! I'm sure he has
frighted me from him.
_Don Jer_. Ay, ay, he's after some wench, I suppose: a young rake!
Well, well, we'll be merry without him. [_Exit_ LOPEZ. ]
_Enter a_ SERVANT.
_Ser_. Sir, here is Signor Isaac. [_Exit_. ]
_Enter_ ISAAC.
_Don Jer_. So, my dear son-in-law--there, take my blessing and
forgiveness. But where's my daughter? where's Louisa?
_Isaac_. She's without, impatient for a blessing, but almost afraid to
enter.
_Don Jer_. Oh, fly and bring her in. --[_Exit_ ISAAC. ] Poor girl, I
long to see her pretty face.
_Isaac_. [_Without_. ] Come, my, charmer! my trembling angel!
_Re-enter_ ISAAC _with_ DUENNA; DON JEROME _runs to meet them; she
kneels_.
_Don Jer_. Come to my arms, my--[_Starts back_. ] Why, who the devil
have we here?
_Isaac_. Nay, Don Jerome, you promised her forgiveness; see how the
dear creature droops!
_Don Jer_. Droops indeed! Why, Gad take me, this is old Margaret! But
where's my daughter? where's Louisa?
_Isaac_. Why, here, before your eyes--nay, don't be abashed, my sweet
wife!
_Don Jer_. Wife with a vengeance! Why, zounds! you have not married
the Duenna!
_Duen_. [_Kneeling_. ] Oh, dear papa! you'll not disown me, sure!
_Don Jer_. Papa! papa! Why, zounds! your impudence is as great as your
ugliness!
_Isaac_. Rise, my charmer, go throw your snowy arms about his neck,
and convince him you are----
_Duen_. Oh, sir, forgive me! [_Embraces him_. ]
_Don Jer_. Help! murder!
_Enter_ SERVANTS.
_Ser_. What's the matter, sir?
_Don Jer_. Why, here, this damned Jew has brought an old harridan to
strangle me.
_Isaac_. Lord, it is his own daughter, and he is so hard-hearted he
won't forgive her!
_Enter_ DON ANTONIO _and_ DONNA LOUISA; _they kneel_.
_Don Jer_. Zounds and fury! what's here now? who sent for you, sir,
and who the devil are you?
_Don Ant_. This lady's husband, sir.
_Isaac_. Ay, that he is, I'll be sworn; for I left them with a priest,
and was to have given her away.
_Don Jer_. You were?
_Isaac_. Ay; that's my honest friend, Antonio; and that's the little
girl I told you I had hampered him with.
_Don Jer_. Why, you are either drunk or mad--this is my daughter.
_Isaac_. No, no; 'tis you are both drunk and mad, I think--here's your
daughter.
_Don Jer_. Hark ye, old iniquity! will you explain all this, or not?
_Duen_. Come then, Don Jerome, I will--though our habits might inform
you all. Look on your daughter, there, and on me.
_Isaac_. What's this I hear?
_Duen_. The truth is, that in your passion this morning you made a
small mistake; for you turned your daughter out of doors, and locked
up your humble servant.
_Isaac_. O Lud! O Lud! here's a pretty fellow, to turn his daughter
out of doors, instead of an old Duenna!
_Don Jer_. And, O Lud! O Lud! here's a pretty fellow, to marry an old
Duenna instead of my daughter! But how came the rest about?
_Duen_. I have only to add, that I remained in your daughter's place,
and had the good fortune to engage the affections of my sweet husband
here.
_Isaac_. Her husband! why, you old witch, do you think I'll be your
husband now? This is a trick, a cheat! and you ought all to be ashamed
of yourselves.
_Don Ant_. Hark ye, Isaac, do you dare to complain of tricking? Don
Jerome, I give you my word, this cunning Portuguese has brought all
this upon himself, by endeavouring to overreach you, by getting your
daughter's fortune, without making any settlement in return.
_Don Jer_. Overreach me!
_Don. Louisa_. 'Tis so, indeed, sir, and we can prove it to you.
_Don Jer_. Why, Gad, take me, it must be so, or he never could put up
with such a face as Margaret's--so, little Solomon, I wish you joy of
your wife, with all my soul.
_Don. Louisa_. Isaac, tricking is all fair in love--let you alone for
the plot!
_Don Ant_. A cunning dog, ar'n't you? A sly little villain, eh?
_Don. Louisa_. Roguish, perhaps; but keen, devilish keen!
_Don Jer_. Yes, yes; his aunt always called him little Solomon.
_Isaac_. Why, the plagues of Egypt upon you all! but do you think I'll
submit to such an imposition?
_Don Ant_. Isaac, one serious word--you'd better be content as you
are; for, believe me, you will find that, in the opinion of the world,
there is not a fairer subject for contempt and ridicule than a knave
become the dupe of his own art.
_Isaac_. I don't care--I'll not endure this. Don Jerome, 'tis you have
done this--you would be so cursed positive about the beauty of her you
locked up, and all the time I told you she was as old as my mother,
and as ugly as the devil.
_Duen_.
Why, you little insignificant reptile! ----
_Don Jer_. That's right! --attack him, Margaret.
_Duen_. Dare such a thing as you pretend to talk of beauty? --A walking
rouleau? --a body that seems to owe all its consequence to the dropsy!
a pair of eyes like two dead beetles in a wad of brown dough! a beard
like an artichoke, with dry, shrivelled jaws that would disgrace the
mummy of a monkey?
_Don Jer_. Well done, Margaret!
_Duen_. But you shall know that I have a brother who wears a sword--
and, if you don't do me justice--
_Isaac_. Fire seize your brother, and you too! I'll fly to Jerusalem
to avoid you!
_Duen_. Fly where you will, I'll follow you.
_Don Jer_. Throw your snowy arms about him, Margaret. --[_Exeunt_ ISAAC
_and_ DUENNA. ] But, Louisa, are you really married to this modest
gentleman?
_Don. Louisa_. Sir, in obedience to your commands, I gave him my hand
within this hour.
_Don Jer_. My commands!
_Don Ant_. Yes, sir; here is your consent, under your own hand.
_Don Jer_. How! would you rob me of my child by a trick, a false
pretence? and do you think to get her fortune by the same means? Why,
'slife! you are as great a rogue as Isaac!
_Don Ant_. No, Don Jerome; though I have profited by this paper in
gaining your daughter's hand, I scorn to obtain her fortune by deceit.
There, sir--[_Gives a letter_. ] Now give her your blessing for a
dower, and all the little I possess shall be settled on her in return.
Had you wedded her to a prince, he could do no more.
_Don Jer_. Why, Gad, take me, but you are a very extraordinary fellow!
But have you the impudence to suppose no one can do a generous action
but yourself? Here, Louisa, tell this proud fool of yours that he's
the only man I know that would renounce your fortune; and, by my soul!
he's the only man in Spain that's worthy of it. There, bless you both:
I'm an obstinate old fellow when I'm in the wrong; but you shall now
find me as steady in the right.
_Enter_ DON FERDINAND _and_ DONNA CLARA.
Another wonder still! Why, sirrah! Ferdinand, you have not stole a
nun, have you?
_Don Fred_. She is a nun in nothing but her habit, sir--look nearer,
and you will perceive 'tis Clara d'Almanza, Don Guzman's daughter;
and, with pardon for stealing a wedding, she is also my wife.
_Don Jer_. Gadsbud, and a great fortune! Ferdinand, you are a prudent
young rogue, and I forgive you: and, ifecks, you are a pretty little
damsel. Give your father-in-law a kiss, you smiling rogue!
_Don. Clara_. There, old gentleman; and now mind you behave well to
us.
_Don Jer_. Ifecks, those lips ha'n't been chilled by kissing beads!
Egad, I believe I shall grow the best-humoured fellow in Spain. Lewis!
Sancho! Carlos! d'ye hear? are all my doors thrown open? Our
children's weddings are the only holidays our age can boast; and then
we drain, with pleasure, the little stock of spirits time has left
us. --[_Music within_. ] But, see, here come our friends and neighbours!
_Enter_ MASQUERADERS.
And, i'faith, we'll make a night on't, with wine, and dance, and
catches--then old and young shall join us.
FINALE.
_Don Jer_.
Come now for jest and smiling,
Both old and young beguiling,
Let us laugh and play, so blithe and gay,
Till we banish care away.
_Don. Louisa_.
Thus crown'd with dance and song,
The hours shall glide along,
With a heart at ease, merry, merry glees
Can never fail to please.
_Don Ferd_.
Each bride with blushes glowing,
Our wine as rosy flowing,
Let us laugh and play, so blithe and gay,
Till we banish care away.
_Don Ant_.
Then healths to every friend
The night's repast shall end,
With a heart at ease, merry, merry glees
Can never fail to please.
_Don. Clar_.
Nor, while we are so joyous,
Shall anxious fear annoy us;
Let us laugh and play, so blithe and gay,
Till we banish care away.
_Don Jer_.
For generous guests like these
Accept the wish to please,
So we'll laugh and play, so blithe and gay,
Your smiles drive care away.
[_Exeunt omnes_.
