No More Learning

I didn't like to have the teacher angry at me. A driving force was to keep my teacher satisfied. This makes it happier for everyone, for him
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and for me. . . . I always try to find out what in the other person I could agree with. . . . I don't like people who conjure up big conflicts.
Similarly, he accepted without question the Catholic religion in which he was brought up. He was concerned much less with its dogma than with the loyalties which he felt to its moral principles, and to the family and Church organization around it: "I am the kind of man who must live in some kind of organization or society where I feel the need to do good. "
He thrived on the "simple cultured form of life" of the Youth Movement in which he participated, especially by its "clean," Puri- tanical emphasis, and its single-mindedness; "I like people with strong convictions who stick to them. "
But the one area in which he found active self-expression and which became his true "holy of holies," was science:
I am a scientist by conviction. I have been since very early in life. It is as an artist uses his art. I like to use my hands, my equipment, to ex- periment and to teach others.
He even defied his parents in embarking on this career, as they had a different profession in mind for him; but at the same time, he believed his scientific interests to be an inheritance from his maternal grandfather. He also felt that in his work--in his passion for research, his abilities as a teacher, his originality in construct- ing apparatus--he was, like his mother, a "leading spirit" whom others sought to follow.
He avoided considerations of philosophy and metaphysics ("The more you think about them, the more confused you are"), and had no concern with politics or with abstract ideological principles of any kind; what mattered to him was the operation of a system:
I am not interested in names--monarchy, democracy, dictatorship. 1 am interested in how things are actualized--how they work. I do feel there must be a factor of stability.
Coming to China at the invitation of a missionary university, he found conditions very agreeable to him in both his personal and professional lives. He was devoted enough to his strong-minded wife; but he readily tolerated long separations brought about by European medical treatments which her ailments were said to require, as
? THE OBVIOUSLY CONFUSED 109
long as another equally forceful woman could be found to run his household. Never too drawn to the sensual side of life, he was passionately involved in his teaching and his research. He thrived upon the difficult working conditions, and especially enjoyed the feeling that his professional skills were indispensable. Moreover, he delighted in the slow pace of Chinese life, and in what he called the "spirit of compromise" of the Chinese people. He found himself readily blending with his environment:
It is very interesting how surroundings influence you. . . . The stu- dents had a certain way of eating. I began automatically to eat just like them. . . . I even began to call a dog in the Chinese way.
His evaluation of the political regimes under which he lived depended largely upon those around him. Thus he at first was im- pressed with the Nationalist Government "because I saw the en- thusiasm of the students"; later he shared with them a strong resent- ment of the Japanese invaders, but then he found "a few Japanese who were not bad people," explaining that "in everyone I can see something good. " Mostly, however, he was disinterested in the world about him except as it pertained to his work. He did not care for psychological probing, but "if someone told me something about myself, I always thought, probably he is right--there must be something in it. "
He continued his work after the Communists came to power; but when the new regime took over the running of his university, he decided to leave because "I thought I would not fit. " Several delays occurred in his getting an exit permit, followed by his unex- pected arrest.
His response in prison from the beginning was to confess every- thing he could about his own past actions, and avoid antagoniz- ing his captors. Compared to Father Luca and Dr. Vincent, the pressures applied to him were relatively mild; no chains, no hand- cuffs, and none of the persistently extreme accusation which leads to falsification. On his part, he made a consistent effort to adapt himself as well as he could to this difficult environment, rather than concern himself with moral or ideological issues. "It is hard to say how I felt. I cannot judge these things, although I can easily find a concrete course to take. "
His personal confession was not too greatly emphasized, and he
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was quickly exposed to re-education. To the hsiieh hsi sessions he brought the approach of a scientist:
I paid close attention. I wanted to find what it was about. Mine was the attitude of research.
His approach was made feasible by his captors' failure to make him, as they did most other Europeans, a special target. "They saw at once that I was harmless. If I talked a little, they didn't expect too much. " Moreover, he was ingenious in his ingenuousness.
From the very beginning I said what I thought and this made it easier for me. . . . By nature I am anti-revolutionary. I don't like everything turned upside down. So when the Communists said, "You are anti- revolutionary/' they were right and I admitted it. I said, "I am. " If you admit things openly, they do not make so much fuss about it, they simply preach to you. But the moment you tell them stories, they get mad.
But his "research" (he was, after all, a participant-observer) led him to accept as valid much of the "data. "
I began to understand many things that I did not understand before. . . . It was a logical system in itself--talking about land distribution, why the tenants were poor--about China's losses from the international imperialists--things I've never been interested in before. I saw for the first time how the Chinese themselves felt about these matters. My whole thinking about these problems was enlarged.
Nor could he disentangle himself from the bias of his teachers' jar- gon, although he recognized it for what it was: "Old China was bad, new China good, and America bad--it is an official kind of language. "
He could even begin to accept the Communist point of view about his own criminal guilt, although it was based only upon anti-Communist statements he had previously made: "From the way I talked before, I influenced others against the Communists --so from their point of view I am guilty. " But he was never able to develop a strong inner sense of sinfulness, and his cellmates fre- quently criticized him because he had no "feeling of guilt/' He thought that such a feeling was "too much to expect from a man, because the world is not a religious order, and their requirements
? THE OBVIOUSLY CONFUSED 111
were too high. "
He viewed Communism as a religion, a point he made frequently
during our interviews, yet at the same time he managed to hold on to the general principles of his own Catholic faith. Here he once more made use of the scientist's approach.
I would emphasize the scientific explanation of the world, saying that there must have been a beginning, and therefore religion has a place. They would say, "This is a scientific religion, and it is all right. " Offi- cially, they were just supposed to be against superstition and not against religion.
At the same time, his sense of involvement in the Catholic re- ligion was of profound importance in his holding on to his sense of identity.
I would always figure out whether it was Easter or some other Catholic holy day so that I could stick to their custom. . . . If I had no reli- gious background, it is possible that I would have committed suicide.
He was pleased by the more favorable treatment accorded him as he became increasingly viewed as a "progressive"; but he was disturbed by the moves from one cell to another which this shift in status brought about, "I disliked changing groups. I felt I be- longed to a group like a chicken belongs to its flock. " Moreover, after a period of time, he found his "research" less and less reward- ing:
After I understood the fundamentals, I began to get bored by it all-- then the main thing became avoiding trouble. . . . Ten hours a day is too much, you get overfed, and this kills off deeper interests.
But he always retained the strong need to please his captors, as well as an underlying wish to be free of them--reflected in a re- current dream which he had during his imprisonment.
I would dream I was allowed to go home for an afternoon. I didn't remember whether I was required to return at night or allowed to return the next day. I thought, "You are too stupid--you will do something wrong and the man will be very angry with you. "
In his associations to this dream, he relates it to his lifelong pattern of avoiding conflict through submission.
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I didn't want to displease the official, I would always give in in order to avoid conflict. . . . It was my duty to ask him when to come back and not to break the rule. . . . I have a feeling that I am this kind of person--who does things wrong and who forgets--this could happen to me, . . . I always must satisfy people.
After his release, his "lost" appearance reflected both his emo- tional and ideological confusion. Sometimes, like Vincent, he seemed to be longing for the security he had known in prison. At other times he would criticize the unfair practices of the Com- munists, but then temper his criticism, using the thought reform language: "Of course the people know this/7 Of his former jailers he said: "Objectively speaking they are wrong. But you can't help but have a respect for these men. They work hard and sacrifice and have a certain human value. "
In a personal sense, he was very labile in his emotions. He formed quick attachments to people he met in Hong Kong, especially if they had also just been in a Chinese prison. He was quick to weep when one of these friends left the Colony; he also wept just listen- ing to sad music. But he expressed an optimistic note despite his difficulties, recognizing his need to "absorb and repair," comparing himself to a "business which has gone bankrupt and now has to start up again. " He seemed on the whole less emotionally dis- turbed than either Dr. Vincent or Father Luca, and others among my subjects who knew him told me that they felt he had weathered the experience much better than they had.
One of his ways of dealing with his own confusion was to at- tempt to look at thought reform from a distance, discuss its general principles, its effectiveness, and its economy of manpower. At the same time, he would try to evaluate how useful the experience had been to him; his conclusions were ambivalent, but helpful to him in working out his feelings.
A few months would have been worth it--but not three years. . . . I am not converted so much that I go one hundred percent to their way --but what 1 have seen and learned is worth something.
He sought to maintain a fatalistic attitude toward his imprison- ment: "It can't be helped--like breaking a leg. . . . It wasa revolu- tion, and they had the guns and not I. " And to remain critical of both worlds: "I can't say that it was justice, but I can't say that
? THE OBVIOUSLY CONFUSED 1 1 3
there is justice here in Hong Kong either. "
During the course of his stay in Hong Kong, however, he began
to be more critical of Communists, questioning much of what they had taught him, and especially condemning their police methods.
A person you know must tell all about you--they want to check every- thing. I dislike this police element of the state. I had the attitude of old China--that the best government is one that you don't see or feel at all. . . . There, from the time you get up in the morning until the time you go to bed at night, they control you.
During our last talk together, his words were again conciliatory rather than critical. About his own experience he said:
I don't like it; I have lost^too much. But when you go to a country like that, you must expect that these things can happen. . . , Who can I blame? The whole of China because it is so backward? The KMT [Nationalists] because it was so corrupt? The Communists because they could gain victory?
And about Communism in general:
Communism is good for the Chinese--for countries with primitive economic conditions--but I cannot imagine it for the West. . . . But if it makes the West more conscious of the need for social reform, then it has done some good.
He began to make active efforts to rearrange his personal life, seek- ing a new teaching position in the Far East, again in association with a Catholic missionary group. He realized that his concerns about ideological questions would become much less important to him once he got back to work: "When I find another job, things will be fixed up--then I won't talk about these other things any more/'
The patterns of Professor Castorp's early life, imprisonment, and post-release period suggest the identity of the submissive scientist, He had been consistently submissive in his attempts to please parents, teachers, Western and Chinese associates, his wife, prison officials, friends in Hong Kong who had shared his experience, and, during our interviews, me. Beginning with his parents, he
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could feel sure of love and protection only insofar as he complied with other people's wishes; compliance meant being open to their influence. Consequently, he was deeply influenced by thought re- form, and he retained more of its ideology than had either Dr. Vincent or Father Luca.
This is an apparent contradiction: a man most submissive and open to influence seems to be in the end least emotionally affected by thought reform. The contradiction disappears, however, if we recognize that people like Professor Castorp have the ability to hold on to what is most important, while seeming to surrender so much of themselves. Once he had become a scientist--his solu- tion to the identity crisis of adolescence--this identity became the most precious and the most creative part of his being. Science had for him some of the mystical appeal which medicine had for Dr. Vincent and the priesthood for Father Luca, because it enabled him to channel his energies and find his individual form of self-realiza- tion. It was the one area in which he could show defiance (whether to parents, wife, or existing intellectual principles), become a leader of men, and find a passionate meaning in life.
On the other hand, although being a scientist was the one thing that was specifically his, it also had deep connections with his early family identifications. He felt the scientist in him to be part of his maternal heritage, and he associated this powerful part of himself with his mother. Whatever their demands, his parents had transmitted to him a strong sense of commitment to family, religion, and nationality (the last more cultural than political). This sense of commitment contained the single-mindedness which he admired; and this single-mindedness--enhanced by a repressed sexuality--he brought to his own scientific work. Thus, when un- der fire, he could call upon both his Catholic religion and his scien- tific research attitude 2 for strength; it was not the dogma of either which mattered, but rather the sense of affirmation and the sur- vival techniques which both could supply.
Professor Castorp was also fortunate in the high status accorded the scientist in the thought reform environment. Indeed, the iden- tity of the scientist was one which Communist theorists always claimed for themselves. Thus, as long as he submitted on questions of ideology (which had never had great importance to him), they permitted him to retain what he held most sacred. He could re-
? THE OBVIOUSLY CONFUSED 115
main the empiricist, and keep his gaze on the system, rather than look deeply into himself. To be sure, he could hardly maintain complete scientific accuracy in dealing with thought reform material. Nobody could. But by keeping relatively intact that part of himself dedicated to precision and truth, he could at least maintain a check upon the most gross distortions, and bring into play immediately following his release an unusually effective reality-testing mechanism.
The importance of the mild treatment which Professor Castorp received should not be overlooked. Less bludgeoned--physically and mentally--he did not experience guilt and shame as deeply as did both Dr. Vincent and Father Luca. Had his reformers been more severe, they might have tapped a good deal more guilt and shame in him, too: mild-mannered men like Professor Castorp are likely to feel guilty about the hostilities which they tend to repress. His post-release identity crisis was that of a dependent man deprived of his props, a single-minded man deprived of his raison tf&tre, a creative and a plodding man deprived of his materials and of his routine. Although his emotional balance had been disturbed, and although he had experienced more of a sense of evil than he realized, his basic identity structure had not been overturned. His tendency was clearly to return to his scientific work and let the ideologies take care of themselves.
General Patterns
There were, then, many different responses among the obviously confused. Most of the prisoners fell in this category, and its elements of confusion and search were present in some degree in everyone who experienced thought reform.
But the obviously confused West- erners were distinguished by the fact that their confusion and search were conscious, and therefore openly dealt with, while the reactions of the apparent converts and the apparent resisters were more rigid and hidden. Yet even in this group, much of the reform experience --as well as the older emotions which it revived--had to be quickly repressed.
When I saw most of these people, they had set themselves the task of returning to what was essentially their previous identity while trying to come to grips with, rather than totally accept or totally reject, the influences they had just experienced. One expres-
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sion of this task was the conviction of most of them that certain reforms were necessary and desirable in the non-Communist world, if only to meet the Communist challenge. As Professor Castorp put it:
If there is rivalry between the Communists and the West for social reform, that is very good. . . . Maybe Communism's mission is, by its push and impact, to give special strength to social reform. I have the
impression that the W est should do this. If W estern Germany the living standard, East Germany will die a natural death.
raises
And a businessman, although committed to private enterprise, expressed similar sentiments:
I am in favor of a gradual evolution of social reform rather than Com- munist revolution. . , . But some means must come about in which the rich will be less rich and the poor less poor. . . . It may take hun- dreds of years.
These men had to express such broad convictions to buttress their personal reintegration into the Western world, to give some mean- ing to their escape from the thought reform influence. Having been made painfully aware of the West's (in many cases all too real) shortcomings, each required a sense of alternative to Communism which would include correction of some of these shortcomings. The stress they put upon economic reform may have been in part a use of the prison idiom; but their even greater stress upon the need to maintain personal freedom while accomplishing these reforms was certainly a rejection of the ideas of thought reform and an affirmation of their Western heritage. (It is perhaps unneces- sary to add that my emphasis of underlying psychological factors is not meant to imply that such attitudes toward the West are in- appropriate. 3)
For all of these reasons, the obviously confused Westerners tended to suffer post-release identity crises which were visibly severe-- partly because they had been emotionally stranded between the two worlds, and partly because they had brought to the surface emotions which in others remain buried.
? C H A P TE R 7
V ARIETIES OF RESPONSE:
APP ARENT CONVERTS
Apparent converts were those who made newspaper
headlines, who emerged from prison in a state loudly proclaimed as "brainwashed. " However one may deplore jour- nalistic sensationalism, there is no doubt that these people did undergo a startling personal change in their view of the world. To talk with one of them immediately after his arrival in Hong Kong was, to say the least, an impressive experience. They seemed to speak only in cliches, parroting the Communist stock phrases, and defending the Communist position at every point.
During my stay in Hong Kong, three such people appeared. One of them was a Jesuit priest, who will be discussed in Chapter 11; for reasons involving both his colleagues and himself, I was not able to meet him then. The other two were introduced to me, but the suspicious and defensive emotions engendered by their reform made them wary of talking with a psychiatrist, especially an American psychiatrist, and both refused to discuss their ex- periences with me. From my brief encounters with them, how- ever, and from what others--journalists and old friends from China living in Hong Kong--told me about them, I was able to obtain certain impressions about their behavior.
One of them repeated his stock phrases in an agitated manner,
"7
? I l 8 THOUGHT REFORM
proclaiming his "shame and remorse for the harm I have done to the Chinese people/' and praising the "real democracy of China" and the "free discussion" within the prison. But his extreme tension, as well as his need to protest too much--to repeat the cliches even when not asked--made me feel that he had serious, if unconscious, doubts about his position, and that the structure of his new identity was brittle. This judgment was borne out later on.
The other, a young woman, was quite different, and much more convincing. Rather than nervousness, she exhibited the euphoric calm of a religious convert. In quiet tones she told a friend that should her family and other people in America reject her and fail to understand her views, it would then be necessary for her to take her life, because "this would at least tell the people of the world about my being persecuted and reveal the truth to them. "
(One might speculate that her use of the word "persecuted" was an unconscious reference to her prison experience, but there was no doubt that she was at the time giving expression to an urge to martyrdom, and referring to the hostility which she anticipated --and sought--from the people at home. )
After meeting these two people, I wondered what psychological mechanisms were responsible for their being so much more affected by the reform process than anyone else I had seen. I learned more about the problem later, not from them, but from two others I interviewed after their return to the West: the Jesuit just men- tioned, whom I met three-and-a-half years after his release (my con- tact with him was thus both a first evaluation and a follow-up study); and another young woman I interviewed in Canada three months after her release, whose case is described below.
Jane Darrow: The Missionary's Daughter
A young Canadian teacher had emerged from more than four years of imprisonment with strong praise for her captors. She told reporters that the Communists had been justified in arresting her, that she had "passed information" to Western diplomats, and that she had confessed these crimes fully during her imprisonment. She admitted (rather reluctantly) that she had been in chains; but she said that her failure to confess the truth justified it. She spoke of the prison as a "place of hope" where "new people are made," at
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the same time denouncing the "war-mongering" and "germ warfare" of the Americans. A diplomat expressed the sentiments of most Westerners who met her when he described Miss Darrow as "badly brainwashed. "
Even back in Canada, three months later, Miss Darrow had reser- vations about talking with me, and our meeting was arranged only through the efforts of mutual friends. She was a rather attractive young woman in her midthirties, alert, tense, and unusually articu- late. She was immediately friendly, but at the same time suspicious, and inquired in some detail about who I was and what my purpose was in talking with her. She was also, however, eager to plunge into her story. This was the first time she had told it from beginning to end, and she obviously derived much emotional benefit both from the telling itself, and from the opportunity to discuss her com- plicated feelings with another person who knew something about her experience. During the ten hours we spent together, she re- mained enthusiastically absorbed in her detailed description.
She quickly expressed the opinion that her "Chinese" background had a great deal to do with her response. Born in China of Cana- dian Protestant missionary parents, she had spent more than half of her life there. She looked back very critically on her childhood attitudes toward the Chinese people: "I don't think I had any real feeling for them per se. . . . I liked living in China because life was comfortable"; and she emphasized the "satisfying sense of su- periority," and the "gunboat psychology" which she, as a Westerner in China, had known. Yet this attitude was far from the whole story, since a little later she told me of her deep affection for these same Chinese people: "I loved them tremendously. " When shewas sent to Canada for her secondary school and university education, however, she avoided mentioning her Chinese past, and tried to "hide from my background" in order to find "identity [the word was hers] with the group there. " But whether the foreigner in China or the "Chinese" girl in Canada, she felt she was different from those around her, and when later she returned to China as a teacher, and a student of Chinese culture, she began to be un- comfortably aware of her "lack of roots. "
She spoke of "serious tensions" in her family life; she usually found herself allied with her strong-willed and opinionated mother in a mutual impatience with her well-meaning, but ineffectual
? 12O THOUGHT REFORM
father. She had, early in life, rebelled against austere and dogmatic Protestant religious teachings. She always had difficulty coming to terms with the "iron-clad honesty" which her parents demanded, believing herself to fall far short of this ideal: "I bordered on cheat- ing and was not above the use of a lie. " Her legacy of susceptibility to guilt was, as one might expect, a strong and painful one; "I have always been very quick to feel guilty. " This reached the point where she let letters from her parents lie unopened for several months, because "every letter was a stab , . , and I did not want to read the reprimands. "
Always bright and much interested in the world about her, Jane became deeply concerned with social reform in both China and the West. She felt that missionary influences, as well as lifelong financial difficulties, affected her militant liberalism.
With my missionary background, I've always felt that something should be done to better the world. . . , My lack of economic security has been a driving force in my life. . . . I thought that society was man- made, and should be regulated in the interests of man.
When she returned to China as a teacher after the war, she was highly critical of the Nationalist regime, but at the same time had "an anti-Communist orientation. " She shared these views with Western and Chinese friends, and was in fact more comfortable in such intellectual and ideological matters than in purely social situations. She felt that a tendency to be too outspoken and critical had interfered with many friendships. In her relationships with men, in particular, she believed her forceful intellect to be a disadvantage, and sometimes wished she were "more of a powderpuff. " Always restrained in sexual matters, she was long aware of both discom- fort and unfulfilled longing in her response to masculine overtures.
During the period preceding her imprisonment she found her- self--along with a few other Westerners--leading a beleaguered existence. Increasingly cut off from Chinese friends, she was aware her movements were being observed, and she was not completely surprised when her arrest finally occurred.
Miss Darrow's prison treatment was virtually identical with that described for men. At the beginning she was subjected to the physical and emotional pressures of prolonged interrogations, in- cessant "struggles," chains and handcuffs, and enforced standing
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for as long as thirty-six hours. She resisted for a while, and made up a false story which was not accepted; but within a few days she had produced an "espionage" confession which was a dis- torted reinterpretation of her actual behavior. She did not at the time inwardly accept its validity, but did feel extremely troubled ("I hated myself! ") for having so quickly made this confession and for having supplied detailed information about Chinese ac- quaintances.
This sense of shame and guilt was heightened by her experiences among other women in her cell. A well-educated, Westernized Chinese girl, with whom she closely identified herself, came to the cell apparently fully convinced of the Communist position, and critical of Miss Darrow for her "backwardness. " Cell relationships were highly charged and highly personal; she referred repeatedly to a hated cell chief as "the bitch" and another person as "the fiery woman. "
During these early stages, she felt a number of conflicting emo- tions: initial resentment; embarrassment at being a prisoner and at being in such a low-level all-Chinese environment; guilt ("I had curious regrets at not having written the family"); a "grim curi- osity"; a sense of opportunity ("I thought it might be grist for rny mill and that I would write a book about it"); and perhaps most important, a sense of surrendering herself to the inevitable ("You have the feeling that you are being pushed through something you can't control . . . it breeds a sort of lightheadedness").
But at the same time, she applied herself to the study of the "rhythms" of her environment, and soon concluded that "every- thing I believed about the world was not acceptable. " Then, during a self-examination, she was surprised at the extremely enthusiastic acceptance of her statement that she had been leading a "parasitic life. " Thus encouraged, she continued to express this kind of highly critical judgment on her entire past--an approach which she found came quite naturally to "a guilt-ridden person like myself. " In this and in her general views, she "tried to put on a convincing act of being progressive. . . . and a good show of being honest. " But this "act" became extremely uncomfortable for her, not only be- cause her "veneer" and "lack of sincerity" were criticized by the others, but primarily because she herself found it difficult to tolerate her own "dishonesty. "
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I was a cracked bowl. I didn't ring true. . . . I was inferior to people who really tried to reform . . . they really felt guilty. I was superficial. . . . And I respond to the ideal of being good.
As she felt worse and worse about the "double game" which she was playing (or thought she was playing), she began to look upon herself in general with ever-increasing contempt:
I realized that my professed feeling for liberals was not very deep. I was a scheming, small person . . . with a basically opportunistic phi- losophy. . . . When I reached the bottom, there was nothing more.
She began to not only say, but really feel, that she had been, and was then, evil: in her attitude of "superiority" toward Chinese, and in her "recognition" that she had (despite economic difficul- ties) really been a member of the "upper class," and had unfairly enjoyed all of its advantages. More and more her "tactic"--"I was always trying to establish the fact that I was sincere"--became her reality.
Her change was furthered by much that she saw and "learned": the "proof" of American use of germ warfare--especially when this was "confirmed" by the report of a missionary whom she felt must be reliable, because "I know my father would not tell a lie"; the United Nations "procrastinations" in the truce negotiations of the Korean War; and the progress of the "completely planned" Chinese society ("social and economic accomplishments and getting things done that other governments had promised but never delivered. ") She was especially struck by the realization that what was happen- ing to her was related to the broad Chinese scene: "I had viewed thought reform as a punishment--restricted to prisoners--but here was the reform of all society. " All of this made her feel more com- fortable, as "it gave me the intellectual basis for some things I had already accepted on an emotional basis. "
Yet over the years of her reform, and despite her continuing "progress," she could not get herself to believe fully in her con- fessed "espionage" activities. "I never accepted this as me. " She found it always necessary to make a distinction between her "per- sonal predicament" and "the broad social facts. " While conscious that "there was a discrepancy," she sought to get around it by giv- ing less importance to her own situation: "I did more thinking
? APPARENT CONVERTS 12J
about society than about myself. . . . I worked from outward-in- ward rather than inward-outward. " Using this device, she could begin to accept "the general logic of their position" in viewing her "passing of information" to people who could use it in a way harmful to the Communist regime as "espionage. "
As with other prisoners, her relations with the government dur- ing the last month of her imprisonment were characterized by mutual frankness and co-operation. Miss Darrow found herself able to admit that she could not completely view herself as a spy, and after so doing was praised for her honesty. Transferred to a new cell where her "dark past" was unknown, she had what she considered to be a new opportunity to "make good. " She was even briefly appointed as cell chief, in her view a mixed blessing: "I didn't want it because I was afraid of muffing it, but I was flattered because I had come up from the bottom. " She retained the job long enough to "help" a new prisoner (one with a background of missionary education) to her confession; but because she found herself "feeling guilty" in carrying out the duties of the cell chief, she was unable to be decisive with other prisoners and was finally, at her own request, replaced.
At this time, she was also impressed by the dedication of many of the prison ofEcials (both male and female), by their willingness to extend themselves to solve all problems, their readiness to admit past mistakes, and their "growth as human beings"--which she felt she could recognize over the course of her imprisonment. She was especially influenced by one male prisoner-official assigned to her case, a highly cultivated Westernized Chinese with whom she felt much in common--and who reminded her of a man she had once been fond of,
She was struck by the kindness and patience with which young prisoners were treated after the general improvement in prison conditions, and by the consideration for children, some of whom lived for periods of time with their mothers in the cells. She was grateful for special rations of hot water for the women to wash their hair, and for the issue of new uniforms; she noted the officials' concern with the prisoners' diet and medical care and felt that there was a great effort made to "permit us a sense of dignity. " Finally, Miss Darrow rounded out her re-education through ex- tensive reading of Marxist texts, some of which she had asked for
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as her interest developed.
Shortly before her release, she struggled with the problem of
whether or not she wished to remain in China. She considered stay- ing (or trying to stay) both because of her admiration for the new regime and her love for China:
Lots of things made me generally in admiration of this society. I felt very warmly toward it and couldn't bear the thought that I would always be cut off from it. . . . It seemed right, the way of the future. . , . And after all, I had lived there most of my life, and I adored Peking.
She also felt closer to the Chinese people than ever before: "I had found the real person. " And she believed that, should she re- main, the years spent in prison "would count" and she would be appreciated ("in that society you don't have to be apologetic about having ideas")--while at the same time she felt certain that she would be "out of step" back in the West.
On the other hand, she also thought frequently of her parents and of an older woman who had been like a parent to her. "If my mother and father were dead I would not have come home--but when I thought of the three of them, I decided I would return. " She also remembered things like Christmas in Canada, and in the end it was the West and family ties which prevailed.
At the time of her trial, she could not rid her mind of the feeling that it was all "rigged," and felt greatly embarrassed at be- ing seen as a "spy" by the Chinese spectators, because "I didn't want them to feel this about me. " She was "amazed" at the "light" sentence (expulsion rather than additional time in prison), and at the same time was concerned about the problems of the future. In a last "moving" discussion with her judge, the difficulties of returning were frankly discussed; the judge expressed the hope that she would retain a "realization of what the world was about," and pointed to the example set by a friend of hers, another West- erner who had taken a strong "stand" in favor of his re-education after his release. Prison officials had kept them informed about each other, and this information about his "stand" impressed Miss Darrow very greatly.
It made me feel that I could be as good as he. We felt it together--he put across his case--I could too.
? APPARENT CONVERTS 125
Upon her arrival in Hong Kong, she was aware of the ordeal she had been put through; but her allegiance to her captors was so great that she was determined to present only their position, and to suppress any material which would undermine it. Her at- titude was reinforced by a letter she was handed when she crossed the border, written by the friend who had been previously released, offering advice and encouragement. Her anticipation of difficulty with the press only increased her resolve.
I didn't want to say anything to a hostile press against a group getting such a fine deal for a large section of humanity. . . . I had made up my mind I would not mention the chaining. . . . This showed my identification with the Communists. . . . I asked myself how much they would want me to say.
The more her words were questioned, the more she defended her captors ("I was like a fighting lion"); but the entire experience was deeply disturbing to her ("It was hell! ").