They are
exploited
to cure rheumatism.
Adams-Great-American-Fraud
waters would cure cancer in thirty days, all these statements having been publicly used by the Wizard to push the sale of his product.
Isham's Medicine Makes Good Ice-Water.
Some of the recipients of my inquiry became alarmed, and sent the letter to Isham. Those who replied answered the questions in the nega- tive. One bank president loftily characterized the queries as "absurd. " Apparently the initial absurdity of his lending his name to the purposes of a preposterous quack like Isham had not occurred to him. At the close of my interview Avith Isham, after he had fervently harangued me on the supernal A^rtues of his Avater, declaring that it Avould make the drunkfird a model of sobriety, reform the A'icious and restore youth to the senilev he exhorted me to be fair and dispassionate in my judgment of him and his product. I shall try to be. As to the "Waters of Life," they are prob- ably a fairly good mineral Avater, as useful perhaps in minor stomach, kidney or uric-acid troubles as the average mineral spring Avater, and no more useful. They Avill no more cure cancer, Brighf^s disease, diabetes or paralysis than Avill Croton Avater. To Isham himself I giA^e the benefit of the doubt. I belieA'e him to be mentally unsound. On any other premise he is the most arrant and blasphemous faker noAV before the public.
Isham may perhaps find food for thought in the career of a felloAv-Avizard, "Dr. " Theodore H. White of Baltimore, AA^ho has recently relinquished the presidency of "Dr. WTiite's College of Science" to serA'e a three years' sentence in a, J'ederal jail for fraudulent i;se of the mails. The "doctor's"
? 88
qualifications for the headship of the college were derived from his previous career as an oyster-shucker, spiritualist medium and "patent-medicine" agent. By ingenious advertising of a sort of book of knowledge he worked up a business which produced from 500 to 1,000 letters of inquiry per day. This book "tells you how to heal yourself and others of all dis- eases," and to perform various other useful and surprising functions, and is, also, "the key of everlasting life, a godsend to suffering humanity. "
C. J. THACHER, M. D. King of the Magnetic Quacks.
The Post-Office Gets After White.
In the course of time the Post-Office Department became interested in "Dr. " White and his scheme, to the extent of instituting inquiries, which the "doctor" was unable to answer. A fraud order stopped his mail, and his prosecution and conviction followed. The book which was the Col- lege of Science's main stock in trade is a fearsome hash of old witch-lore and alchemy, and modern spiritualism, stolen from various sources. Apparently the ex-oyster-shucker's mantle has fallen upon Prof. F. T.
? 89
I\rclntyre of 12G West 34tli Street, New York City, who exploits the world as his bivalve througli a system bearing the esoteric and hypnotic title of "Ucchatana and Bidwesana," whereby the "eminent exponent of the occult and psychic" (meaning Mclntyre) teaches all and sundry "to heal the sick and suffering without doctors or drugs. " This he pretends to do free, and he will doubtless continue the pretense until the over- worked fraud-order section of the Post-Office Department attends to him.
Some months ago the Post-Office authorities descended, with blighting result, upon "Prof. " Thos. J. Adkin, sometime of Rochester, where he established the "New York Institute of Physicians and Surgeons" for the practice of "Vitaopathy," whatever that may be. Judging from external evidence it consists chiefly in persuading, by some mysterious influence, the business managers of not-too-particular newspapers to print as "spe- cial correspondence" such headings as the following:
DEAD MEX TALKED BACK TO LIFE.
Rescued ou Way to Grave--Professor Stops Funeral--Restores Woman to Life^ Does He Possess Divine Power?
The most eminent physicians and specialists in the Avorld were, accord- ing to Professor iVdkin, his associates in the practice of Vitaopathy. In addition to his professional qualifications, the professor seems to have been a truly hynotic financier, since he succeeded in securing his world- beating physicians at a maximum wage of $. 30 a week, while the most that any "specialist," called in from without to treat extraordinary cases, was able to wrest from the New York Institute cf Physicians and Surgeons was about $5 a month.
"In Prof. Adkin's laboratory his chemists are daily engiged in extract- ing the life-and-health-giving principle from rare vegetables, fruits and plants. "
Thus one of the Vitaopathist's advertisements. \Vhen called upon to give details. Professor Adkin could produce neither laboratory, chemists, vegetables, fruits nor plants. Under pressure he bashfully explained that his "treatment" consisted of tablets put up to his order by Parke, Davis & Co. of Detroit. This testimony should be interesting to phvsicians, since Parke, Davis & Co, are the largest manufacturers of "ethical" prepara- tions advertised to the medical profession in the country, and are earnest claimants of high professional standing. How their ethics comport with this acting as supply to a proven and self-convicted quack, I leave for them to explain. In the general stir that accompanied the Post-Office Department's action against Adkin, resulting in his retirement from public life, the regular medical profession of Rochester did not come off unscathed. One of the allegations against the Vitaopathist was that he diagnosed and prescribed for cases by mail. Believing that the local medical profession was the agent of his discomfiture (a misapprehension on his part) and keen for revenge, Adkin sent out decoy letters to a considerable number of local physicians in good and regular standing, and got responses from a dozen or more agreeing to prescribe by mail for cases they had never seen. This unpleasant evidence the "Professor" usedinamannerverytryingtotheethicalpractitioners. Asharplesson for them, but a salutary one. There will be very little of the long-dis- tance-diagnosis form cf quackery practiced by the regular profession in Rochester for some time to come, I fancy. On the records of the fraud- order hearing, there is noted as being present (doubtless with a fellow- feeling for the defendant) Gen. James R. O'Beirne, who has held several posts of honor in New York City, and one of conspicuous dishonor, the presidency of the Force of Life Company, a swindle so open and bold
? 90
that its recent whitewashing by a prominent Federal official of New York has been a source equally of amazement and speculation to these who followed the proceedings against it. One of its fakes was a "Life-Ray Capsule," said to contain radium, but in reality simply a mixture of corn starch and calcium sulfid.
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BLASPHEMY COMBINED WITH QUACKERY.
The "Professor" Hadley is also Medical Director of the Force of Life fake.
Science, ingeniously perverted, is made the agent of the miracle-work- ing quack. Should some scientist authoritatively announce to-morrow a method of conserving the light and heat of the sun, within a few weeks we should read in the papers that "Bottled Sunlight" is a sure cure for
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any and all ills. So radium, having occupied the public mind and excited the public fancy, has furnished material for the lively commer- cial imagination of the quacks. Eupert Wells, ? M,. D. , early perceived its possibilities, and appointed himself Professor of Radio-Therapy in the "Post-Graduate College of Electro-Therapeutics of St. Louis," a chair which has no existence, in a college which is purely mythical.
Religious Rupert, the Fireside Faker.
Rupert Wells, M. D. , is very religious--in his advertisements. He loves tlie church papers. The weeklies with smug and pious editorials, and no conscience whatever in the matter of paid advertising, are his green pastures. He is a home-and-fireside cuddler, is Rupert. He is also ^ grcand-and-lofty liar of the most complete and soul-satisfying description, Yju can read whole pages of his literature and not come upon one single statement tainted with truth. To illustrate, by a brief capitulation of the main points of one of his "come-on" letters: By virtue of his pro- found studies in radium-administration (lie No. 1) at the college wherein he is professor (compound lie, No. 2) he can cure consumption (lie No. 3) and cancer (No. 4) by a method which he wishes to tell you about free (No. 5), consisting of the internal and external application of Radol, which is radium in fluid form (No. 6), which he himself has discovered (No. 7), and by which he has effected many cures (No. 8), as follows
(Nos. 9, 10, 11, etc. , to the extent of the testimonials). Recently a Philadelphia woman emulating the anxious gentleman in Mr. Wallace Irwin's engaging poem,
"/ wrote Dr. Rharho and got as an answer: 'The loart on your thumh is incipient cancer,'
consulted Rupert Wells, M. D. , by mail. He sent her a form letter, ingeniously devised so that besides date, name and address only one word need be written in. This word gives the location of the alleged cancer, and the sentence is: "Your letter convinces me that you have cancer of the . " In this instance the word "temple" was obviously typed in. Of course, the symptoms, whatever they may be, will always "con- vince" Rupert, M. D. , that his correspondent has cancer (unless the reply is to a consumption advertisement), to be cured only by Radol. Of late the Professor of Radio-Therapy has grown quite painfully cautious. Attempts to purchase Radol of him direct, have proved rftiavailing; he will send it by mail alone, and then only after receiving a diagnosis blank. However, the Lederle Laboratories succeeded by a roundabout process in obtaining the precious fluid for analysis, which showed that Radol contains exactly as much radium as dishwater does, and is about as efficacious for cancer or consumption.
More Radio-Quackery.
Some time ago I received a circular inviting me to become rich without effort by investing in the stock of the Dr. Warner Remedy Co. of Chicago, 111. , proprietors of Radium Rings and Radiozone. Radium Rings, I I'-arned from the accompanying literature, "are circular adhesive plas- ters, self-retaining to any part of the body, and a positive cure for all germ diseases" by a process whereby "the germs and decayed tissues are promptly flooded with emanation from the radio-active compound. " "Radiozone tablets," so the prospective investor is further informed, "carry the radio-active properties (internally) and possess all of the vir- tues of Radium Rings. " Very alluring as a financial proposition, but I restrained my cupidity, and went to call on the Dr. Warner Remedy Co. , which I found to consist of one Bird Collins, a graduate from the fraudu-
? 93
lent nostrum school as exemplified by Wine of Cardiii. Mr. Collins is a frank and businesslike person as will be seen by the following dialogue:
"Are Radium Rings radiimi? " "No. "
"Is there anv radium in them? " "No. "
"Then why do you call them Radium Rings? " "It's a trade name. "
"Is Radiozone'radium? "
"No. "
"Is there any radium in it? "
"No. "
"Then wh. y do you call it Radiozone? "
"It's a trade name. "
"Is Dr. Warner here? "
"No. "
"Is there anv Dr. Warner in vour Company? " "No. "
^ DR. WATSON'S ANGELIC LETTER-HEAD.
The Post-OfBce has interfered with this Quack's activity by issuing a fraud order against him.
"Then why do you call it the Dr. Warner Medical Company? " "It's a trade name. "
"Is vour name Collins? "
"N--yes. "
"Is it a trade name? "
"No. "
"Do you make vour own remedies? "
"No. "
"Who makes them? "
"Seabury and Johnson," (This firm, like Parke, Davis & Co. , is an
"ethical" concern. )
"Is there anything izi them at all? "
"Yes there is," said Mr. Bird Collins earnestly. "There's money in
'em if they're pushed right. " And he proceeded with an impressive line of promoter's argument, Avhich I refrain from reproducing, this not being a financial article.
Radium Radia is another attempt to trade upon the public superstition regarding supposed wonderful qualities of the |_ittle understood element.
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It is really a patent medicine ratlier than a specific form of quackerv. and I mention it onh' to state that it contains no radium, and that its name is typical of its swindling purpose. The same is true of Radiumite, a cure-all which consists of zinc sulfid and lead.
The truly profitable way of furnishing- radium to the public is to find a phu-e where it sjjouts from the ground. Such a spot has been discovered at C'laremore, Indian Territory, by an association of highly respected business men and bunco practitioners from Fort Smith, Arkansas, calling themselves '"The Claremore Radium Wells Co. "
Their circular embodies a picture of a young female exhaling zigzag streaks from her head and hands in a manner to suggest that she has just been short-circuited, the illustration being labeled ""Radium Emana- tions from Human Bcdy after a Bath. " The literature goes on to describe in modest and restrained terms the virtues of the spring.
'"This magic mineral Radium Water has more miraculous and wonder- ful cures to its credit than any other known agency. . . . Hundreds are being cured of all manner of diseases, and no failures with this Magical Mineral Radium Water, icithoiit the use of medicine. Drink the ^Magical Mineral Radium Water for rheumatism, all blood diseases, all kinds lung and stomach troubles and Bright's diseases [sic). It cures quick. ""
The baldness of the fake is enhanced by the inclusion in the circular of a chemical analysis of the water, showing absolutely no radium or radium-producing constituents. As a fitting close to this remarkable instance of swindling, which the correspondent Who calls it to my atten- tion characterizes as "evidently designed to test the limits of human credulity," I can do no better than reproduce in its own form the caution in the Claremore Radium Wells Co. circular:
A WARXIXG TO THE PUBLIC.
BE^VAEE OF FAKE RADIUM WATER W^HEX IN CLAREMORE FOB BATHS.
and to add, lest there be any misapprehension, that the chief "Fake Radium Water" in Claremore is that furnished bv the Claremore Radium Wells Co.
Magnetism is still "good graft. " Its mystical suggestion, appealing to superstitious hope, ofi'ers the proper medium for skilled quackery. Prof. S. Alalcolm Watson, R. S. (whatever that may mean), of Battle Creek, Michigan, operates in this field. Vibro Discs are his wares.
They are exploited to cure rheumatism. Prof, Watson's advertising matter is cal- culated to inspire it. I have seen nothing more ingenious in the realm of patent medicine literature.
The Professor's letters, too, are models of altruism. He yearns to cure you, not so much for his good as yours. The $5 which he proposes to charge you is merely nominal. If, after you have nibbled at his bait the first time, he fails to hook ycu, he lowers his price to ,$"2. 50. Let this letter go unanswered for a fortnight, and he comes after you with a final proposition to throw in a bottle of ^"ibro Oil, although the Vibro Discs and the Vibro Tablets, which are an "infallible cure," would seem to be sufficient. Alark the pathos of this last Watsonian plea:
"I have written you several kind and courteous letters, but so far you do not seem to have made the least reply. All this is very strange and to mg rather painful. Of course there may be a just cause for your silence. But if no such cause exists you must admit that T am not get- ting a fair return for the good I have tried to do and the courtesy I have shown you. "
How to be Your Own Magnetizer.
"Prof. " Watson's Vibro Discs are merely plasters to be affixed to the soles of the feet. Vibro Tablets and Vibro Oil are ordinary preparations
? 94
put up for him by a drug firm. In none of them is there any more curative "vibration" or "galvanism" than in a lump of mud. In the interests of those suffering from rheumatic ailments I will give the fol- lowing prescription free, which I will guarantee to be as efficacious as Prof. Watson's Vibro treatment, and considerably less expensive. Pur- chase at any drug store one two-cent stamp (the one-cent variety will do in incipient cases), afiix it firmly to the base of the spinal column, and while seated upon it take one bread pill (brown or white), whenever you happen to think of it. The stamp will provide fully as much vibra- tion as Prof. Watson's discs, and the bread pill will be better for you than his tablets. Just at present the Vibro-Scientist is under a cloud, his mail having been suppressed as fraudulent, but he will probably
HORRIBLE SIGHT AT CLAREMORE WELLS.
This picture is taken from the circular issued by the Claremore Radium Wells Co. , of Claremore, Indian Territory. No explanation is made of why the lady has had her head and her hands cut off after a hath. It seems a cruel practice
even if the resultant pyrotechnic effects are genuine.
bob up again in some new spot, unless the fraud-empoAvering bill, pending at Washington, ties the hands of the Post-Office Department and gives Prof. Watson a practical license to resume business at the old stand.
Magic Foot Drafts, made at Jackson, Michigan, belong to this same class. Affixed to the soles of the feet they are advertised as drawing out the rheumatic poison from the whole system. Of course they might as well be affixed to the barn door, so far as any uric acid extraction is con- cerned. They are a compound of poke-root, pine tar, and corn meal. Prof. E. C. Goddard, manager of the Crescent Magnetic Appliance Co. of St. Louis, also has a "foot-battery" to be attached to any form of insole and a magnetic (not an electric) belt "guaranteed to throw a magnetic current through six inches of solid glass, stone, wood or other substance. "
)
? This claim is no more preposterous than the company's offer to cure heart disease, epilepsy, paralysis, rheumatism, insomnia, and general debility by means of their contrivances. On this same principle of pasting a label on the outside of oneself to cure something wrong with one's inside is Dr. Young's "Peptopads," which, like the Magic Fcot Drafts, hail from Jackson, Michigan. Aflix one of these to your solar plexus and, according to the advertisement, you will not only recover from any stomach ail- ment, but "you can eat what you want and all you want. " This, I sup- pose, operates on the simple and well-known principle of sticking a piece of court-plaster on the back of a watch to repair a broken mainspring.
But the King of Quackdom in the magnetism field is C. J. Thacher, M. D. , of Chicago. His powers are cribbed, cabined, and confined by no arbitrary limits. He would scorn to restrict himself to any one disease or class of diseases. Thacher will cure anything, paralysis, consumption, Bright's disease, obesity, insanity or senility; it's all one to him. Just let him get the patient inside a set of "the famous Thacher Magnetic Shields," and disease and death must slink away, impotent and ashamed. Hear the trumpet-tones of Thacher, via the New York "Am. erican:"
"I want to say to every man, woman and child within my reach that I can cure any disease that afflicts the human race. I make that state- ment just as broad, sweeping and all-inclusive as I know how. I don't care what the disease is, nor how bad it is, nor how many other diseases are complicated with it, I am as positive that I can cure them all with the famous Thacher Magnetic Shields as I am that the sun will rise in the morning. "
When I called at 161 State Street^ Chicago, to see the worker of these miracles, I found a big, gaunt old man, with a formidable head^ a for- midable voice, and a still more formidable manner. He wore a magnetic cap, a magnetic waistcoat, magnetic insoles, and his legs were sw^athed like a mummy's in magnetic wrappings. It made one perspire to look at him. The outset of the conversation, I regret to report, v>>^as unpropitious. Upon learning of my errand, the aged Thacher proceeded to thunder eloquent denunciations. Because of what he termed "wholesale and un- warranted attacks" he couldn't get his advertisements in the best news- papers, nor would the high-class office buildings accept him as a tenant.
(Real estate men in Chicago seem to be more particular than in New York, where the Flatiron Building accepts Waters-of-Life Isham, the blood-brother in quackery of Thacher, et al. ) He was confounded with every quack that chose to exploit himself. He, -Thacher, was no quack. He defied anyone to call him a quack. At this point, observing that his hearer was properly impressed and alarmed, he became mild and confiden- tial, and delivered a lecture which I think was devised for prospective patients. A few of the gems (unset, of necessity) follow:
"My object is to spread the light: to rescue humanity. I can cure them of anything! I write and I lecture. The people fiock to hear me. In time they will compel the authorities to take notice of my methods. "
( Presumably Dr. Thacher did not have in mind the Post-Office authorities. "I will extend my Magnetic Shield treatment to the Government. I will say, 'Take it! Take it! and set the people free. '
"Insanity! " (Whacking himself on the magnetic-cap. ) "Insanity! Simple as daylight! Let the authorities turn over ten cases to me. I'll put my magnetic shields on 'em and cure 'em. Restore the harmonious vibrations of the brain and everything is well.
"Paralysis! " (Hammering himself on his magnetic leg-swaddlings. "Easy problem. Had five cases. Couldn't wink or speak or move finger or toe. Put suits on 'em and cured 'em. Cured 'em right off. Winked. Spoke. Moved finger and toe. Got up and walked. Paralysis! Pish! "
? 96
Dr. Thacher proceeded to explain that in every square of his magnetic garments is a small magnet, the total lifting power of a full suit being 250 pounds. On this basis there seems to be something wrong with my
sample of magnetic insoles, as the very slightly magnetized steel in them won't lift its own weight. At this rate a full outfit, having the lifting power claimed by the inventor, would be rather cumbrous for summer wear, as it would weigh about a quarter of a ton.
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Of the making of "electric belts" and other fake forms of electric "cures. " there is apparently no end. Most of them purport to relieve general debility. They may have a brief stimulating influence, but the stimulus soon wears off, leaving the dupe worse than he was before. Aa cures for rheumatism, paralysis, and the other diseases which they pre- tend to eradicate, they are simple frauds one and all. Moreover, most of them when worn next the skin produce ugly and poisoned sores, from the chemical action. Extreme instances of swindling claims are afforded by "Tlie Electricure," which modestly offers to cure absolutely "consumption, paralysis, rheumatism, heart disease, and all acute, chronic or organic diseases," and the "Electro-Chemical Ring," which cures diabetes, epi- lepsy and rheumatism merely by being worn on the finger. .
From Quackery to Miracles.
At the apex of the profession of quacker}^ stands the miracle-worker proper. Usually he is an itinerant, traveling after the manner of his fellow parasite, the flea, by long leaps. One week he will be in Cincin- nati, the next in Chattanooga, and a fortnight later in New Orleans. His advertising methods are those of the circus. One of this class, W'ho swings around the circle in western New York, is a singular creature, whose stage name is "The Great Vurpillat. " He travels w-ith a brass band and a six-horse team, duly blanketed with his name, and precedes his "lecture" with a vaudeville show. Newspapers that want his adver- tising must print it as legitimate news, which, to their discredit, many of them do. In the Rochester Union and Advertiser, for instance, I find his three-quarters of a column next to reading matter and with no mark to designate it as advertising. The Great Vurpillat's system is to hire a vacant hall, or, in warm weather, a vacant lot, give his little show, and then proceed to "demonstrate. " For instance, a member of the audience presents himself to be cured of deafness. The Great Vurpillat stands fiifteen feet away from the patient, and in a voice like a dying saint's last whisper inquires: "Can you hear me speak? "
"No," replies the patient in ansAver to the expression of inquiry on the demonstrator's face. - Anointment with some kind of embrocation follows, after which the wonder-worker moves away forty or fifty feet, and thun-
derously bellows: "Can you hear me now? "
"Yes," says the startled victim.
On the following day the Unio7i and Advertiser dutifully announces
that "after the Great Vurpillat had demonstrated upon him with his wonderful new discovery, Mr. Leideeker said he could hear Vurpillat's voice at a distance of sixty feet. "
The New Orleans States sells its space to a species of quackery so blas- phemous that the clergy of that city might well make it the subject of concerted protest. The advertiser is a "Panopathic Professor," Wallace Hadley of New York, who offers to cure all diseases at any distance, and thus exploits himself in huge type:
HAS HE THE POWER DIVINE?
Ministers of the Gospel say he is Gifted of God, and Praise Him for His Help to Suffering Humanity.
Professor Hadley, when not itinerating, is the medical director and working head of the Force of Life Co.
Toledo has a curious quack who describes his alleged successes aa "jNIodern Miracles. " He calls himself "Professor Larmouth," under which name he conducts a "Health Home. " He is cunning, ignorant and with- out genuine medical qualifications, in spite of which he has as partner
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in his noisome enterprise the proprietor of one of Toledo's principal news- paperS;, a gentleman who takes pride in his record as a public influence for good through lectures and Y. M. C. A. addresses; yet who takes profit from a swindle, compared to which three-card monte is respectable and harmless.
Every city has its quacks of the miracle-working kind. Mostly they prey upon the ignorant, and Avhen the field of one locality is worked out they move to another, leaving their former province to some suc- cessor of their kind. For upon this profitable principle all medical bunco is built; that the human sheep once fleeced soon grows another crop for the benefit of the comintTj shearer.
I
? Reprinted from Collier's Weekly, Sept. 1, 1906.
III. THE SPECIALIST HUMBUG,
Specializing is the modern tendency in medical practice. Hence the quack, who is but an exaggerated and grotesque imitation of the regular practitioner, smells money in devoting himself to specific fields of en- deavor. Sedulously he perfects himself in his own department; not by acquiring knowledge of the nature and treatment of disease, indeed, but by studying how most effectively to enmesh the sufferer from a certain class of ailments in the net of his specious promises. Upon his skill here depends his success. Experience teaches him nothing of professional
value, for the vast majority of his "patients'^ he never sees. He diag- noses by mail and doses by express. His "consultation" correspondence is carried on through a series of ingeniously devised form-letters, worded to suit every case and turned out by a corps of typew^riters. The average advertising specialist concern would work just as well if the "doctor" him- self spent his time fishing for finned suckers and left his trained stenog- ; raphers to attend to the human variety.
Blindness and deafness are fattening afflictions for the medical guer- ' rillas. With a little reading, a few borrowed scientific phrases and illustrations wherewdth to garnish his booklet, and an apt catchword for his advertising, your eye or ear specialist, or eye and ear specialist--'- for some of them combine the two--is ready for business. To get his patients he appeals to a deep-rooted and universal instinct, the piteous shrinking of the flesh and spirit from cold steel, so often the cruel neces- sity and the merciful hope of the afflicted. -
Like Mending Chimneys by Mail.
"Don't undergo an ojDeration. Come to me and spare yourself the tor- ture of the knife," loudly invites the quack. What matters, it to him that the time wasted in his futile processes may mean sight or hearing Vv'asted, also, and beyond chance of recovery! He gets his pay; that's his whole concern. For this he will promise to cure you, not only without operation, but without even seeing you. Can the mind conceive any- - thing more preposterous? Here are two instruments of nerve and muscle, infinitely delicate, inscrutably efficient and accurate. The eye is a marvel of mathematical adjustment in angles and curves of vision. Our precious quack proposes to~ solve the problem of its distorted equations without the slighest study of the figures. Could he work out a geometri- cal thesis without a diagram? Could he survey a field by mail? The problems of hearing are almost as intricate and far more obscure than those of seeing. The self-styled "Eminent Aurist'^ will remedy the most difficult defects without a personal examination. Would he essay to repair a defective chimney flue by "home treatment? " The proposition is a far more reasonable one. Yet the eternally hopeful, eternally credu- lous fill the mails with trusting appeals and dollars addressed to these- swindlers, and thus lighten themselves for a swifter flight to darkness and silence.
If I were organizing an American Institute of Quack Specialists I should select Dr. Oren Oneal of Chicago as the first president. The artful plausi- bility of his advertising, his ingenuity in "jollying along" the patient for
his reluctant dollars, the widespread familiarity of his features through the magazine advertising pages, and, above all, his sleek and polished personality, make him the natural candidate. A high-class exponent of the charlatan's art is Dr. Oren. No raw newspaper advertising for him! He prefers the magazines, and the bane of his business existence is that, .
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one by one, they are closing their pages to him.
Isham's Medicine Makes Good Ice-Water.
Some of the recipients of my inquiry became alarmed, and sent the letter to Isham. Those who replied answered the questions in the nega- tive. One bank president loftily characterized the queries as "absurd. " Apparently the initial absurdity of his lending his name to the purposes of a preposterous quack like Isham had not occurred to him. At the close of my interview Avith Isham, after he had fervently harangued me on the supernal A^rtues of his Avater, declaring that it Avould make the drunkfird a model of sobriety, reform the A'icious and restore youth to the senilev he exhorted me to be fair and dispassionate in my judgment of him and his product. I shall try to be. As to the "Waters of Life," they are prob- ably a fairly good mineral Avater, as useful perhaps in minor stomach, kidney or uric-acid troubles as the average mineral spring Avater, and no more useful. They Avill no more cure cancer, Brighf^s disease, diabetes or paralysis than Avill Croton Avater. To Isham himself I giA^e the benefit of the doubt. I belieA'e him to be mentally unsound. On any other premise he is the most arrant and blasphemous faker noAV before the public.
Isham may perhaps find food for thought in the career of a felloAv-Avizard, "Dr. " Theodore H. White of Baltimore, AA^ho has recently relinquished the presidency of "Dr. WTiite's College of Science" to serA'e a three years' sentence in a, J'ederal jail for fraudulent i;se of the mails. The "doctor's"
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qualifications for the headship of the college were derived from his previous career as an oyster-shucker, spiritualist medium and "patent-medicine" agent. By ingenious advertising of a sort of book of knowledge he worked up a business which produced from 500 to 1,000 letters of inquiry per day. This book "tells you how to heal yourself and others of all dis- eases," and to perform various other useful and surprising functions, and is, also, "the key of everlasting life, a godsend to suffering humanity. "
C. J. THACHER, M. D. King of the Magnetic Quacks.
The Post-Office Gets After White.
In the course of time the Post-Office Department became interested in "Dr. " White and his scheme, to the extent of instituting inquiries, which the "doctor" was unable to answer. A fraud order stopped his mail, and his prosecution and conviction followed. The book which was the Col- lege of Science's main stock in trade is a fearsome hash of old witch-lore and alchemy, and modern spiritualism, stolen from various sources. Apparently the ex-oyster-shucker's mantle has fallen upon Prof. F. T.
? 89
I\rclntyre of 12G West 34tli Street, New York City, who exploits the world as his bivalve througli a system bearing the esoteric and hypnotic title of "Ucchatana and Bidwesana," whereby the "eminent exponent of the occult and psychic" (meaning Mclntyre) teaches all and sundry "to heal the sick and suffering without doctors or drugs. " This he pretends to do free, and he will doubtless continue the pretense until the over- worked fraud-order section of the Post-Office Department attends to him.
Some months ago the Post-Office authorities descended, with blighting result, upon "Prof. " Thos. J. Adkin, sometime of Rochester, where he established the "New York Institute of Physicians and Surgeons" for the practice of "Vitaopathy," whatever that may be. Judging from external evidence it consists chiefly in persuading, by some mysterious influence, the business managers of not-too-particular newspapers to print as "spe- cial correspondence" such headings as the following:
DEAD MEX TALKED BACK TO LIFE.
Rescued ou Way to Grave--Professor Stops Funeral--Restores Woman to Life^ Does He Possess Divine Power?
The most eminent physicians and specialists in the Avorld were, accord- ing to Professor iVdkin, his associates in the practice of Vitaopathy. In addition to his professional qualifications, the professor seems to have been a truly hynotic financier, since he succeeded in securing his world- beating physicians at a maximum wage of $. 30 a week, while the most that any "specialist," called in from without to treat extraordinary cases, was able to wrest from the New York Institute cf Physicians and Surgeons was about $5 a month.
"In Prof. Adkin's laboratory his chemists are daily engiged in extract- ing the life-and-health-giving principle from rare vegetables, fruits and plants. "
Thus one of the Vitaopathist's advertisements. \Vhen called upon to give details. Professor Adkin could produce neither laboratory, chemists, vegetables, fruits nor plants. Under pressure he bashfully explained that his "treatment" consisted of tablets put up to his order by Parke, Davis & Co. of Detroit. This testimony should be interesting to phvsicians, since Parke, Davis & Co, are the largest manufacturers of "ethical" prepara- tions advertised to the medical profession in the country, and are earnest claimants of high professional standing. How their ethics comport with this acting as supply to a proven and self-convicted quack, I leave for them to explain. In the general stir that accompanied the Post-Office Department's action against Adkin, resulting in his retirement from public life, the regular medical profession of Rochester did not come off unscathed. One of the allegations against the Vitaopathist was that he diagnosed and prescribed for cases by mail. Believing that the local medical profession was the agent of his discomfiture (a misapprehension on his part) and keen for revenge, Adkin sent out decoy letters to a considerable number of local physicians in good and regular standing, and got responses from a dozen or more agreeing to prescribe by mail for cases they had never seen. This unpleasant evidence the "Professor" usedinamannerverytryingtotheethicalpractitioners. Asharplesson for them, but a salutary one. There will be very little of the long-dis- tance-diagnosis form cf quackery practiced by the regular profession in Rochester for some time to come, I fancy. On the records of the fraud- order hearing, there is noted as being present (doubtless with a fellow- feeling for the defendant) Gen. James R. O'Beirne, who has held several posts of honor in New York City, and one of conspicuous dishonor, the presidency of the Force of Life Company, a swindle so open and bold
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that its recent whitewashing by a prominent Federal official of New York has been a source equally of amazement and speculation to these who followed the proceedings against it. One of its fakes was a "Life-Ray Capsule," said to contain radium, but in reality simply a mixture of corn starch and calcium sulfid.
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BLASPHEMY COMBINED WITH QUACKERY.
The "Professor" Hadley is also Medical Director of the Force of Life fake.
Science, ingeniously perverted, is made the agent of the miracle-work- ing quack. Should some scientist authoritatively announce to-morrow a method of conserving the light and heat of the sun, within a few weeks we should read in the papers that "Bottled Sunlight" is a sure cure for
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any and all ills. So radium, having occupied the public mind and excited the public fancy, has furnished material for the lively commer- cial imagination of the quacks. Eupert Wells, ? M,. D. , early perceived its possibilities, and appointed himself Professor of Radio-Therapy in the "Post-Graduate College of Electro-Therapeutics of St. Louis," a chair which has no existence, in a college which is purely mythical.
Religious Rupert, the Fireside Faker.
Rupert Wells, M. D. , is very religious--in his advertisements. He loves tlie church papers. The weeklies with smug and pious editorials, and no conscience whatever in the matter of paid advertising, are his green pastures. He is a home-and-fireside cuddler, is Rupert. He is also ^ grcand-and-lofty liar of the most complete and soul-satisfying description, Yju can read whole pages of his literature and not come upon one single statement tainted with truth. To illustrate, by a brief capitulation of the main points of one of his "come-on" letters: By virtue of his pro- found studies in radium-administration (lie No. 1) at the college wherein he is professor (compound lie, No. 2) he can cure consumption (lie No. 3) and cancer (No. 4) by a method which he wishes to tell you about free (No. 5), consisting of the internal and external application of Radol, which is radium in fluid form (No. 6), which he himself has discovered (No. 7), and by which he has effected many cures (No. 8), as follows
(Nos. 9, 10, 11, etc. , to the extent of the testimonials). Recently a Philadelphia woman emulating the anxious gentleman in Mr. Wallace Irwin's engaging poem,
"/ wrote Dr. Rharho and got as an answer: 'The loart on your thumh is incipient cancer,'
consulted Rupert Wells, M. D. , by mail. He sent her a form letter, ingeniously devised so that besides date, name and address only one word need be written in. This word gives the location of the alleged cancer, and the sentence is: "Your letter convinces me that you have cancer of the . " In this instance the word "temple" was obviously typed in. Of course, the symptoms, whatever they may be, will always "con- vince" Rupert, M. D. , that his correspondent has cancer (unless the reply is to a consumption advertisement), to be cured only by Radol. Of late the Professor of Radio-Therapy has grown quite painfully cautious. Attempts to purchase Radol of him direct, have proved rftiavailing; he will send it by mail alone, and then only after receiving a diagnosis blank. However, the Lederle Laboratories succeeded by a roundabout process in obtaining the precious fluid for analysis, which showed that Radol contains exactly as much radium as dishwater does, and is about as efficacious for cancer or consumption.
More Radio-Quackery.
Some time ago I received a circular inviting me to become rich without effort by investing in the stock of the Dr. Warner Remedy Co. of Chicago, 111. , proprietors of Radium Rings and Radiozone. Radium Rings, I I'-arned from the accompanying literature, "are circular adhesive plas- ters, self-retaining to any part of the body, and a positive cure for all germ diseases" by a process whereby "the germs and decayed tissues are promptly flooded with emanation from the radio-active compound. " "Radiozone tablets," so the prospective investor is further informed, "carry the radio-active properties (internally) and possess all of the vir- tues of Radium Rings. " Very alluring as a financial proposition, but I restrained my cupidity, and went to call on the Dr. Warner Remedy Co. , which I found to consist of one Bird Collins, a graduate from the fraudu-
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lent nostrum school as exemplified by Wine of Cardiii. Mr. Collins is a frank and businesslike person as will be seen by the following dialogue:
"Are Radium Rings radiimi? " "No. "
"Is there anv radium in them? " "No. "
"Then why do you call them Radium Rings? " "It's a trade name. "
"Is Radiozone'radium? "
"No. "
"Is there any radium in it? "
"No. "
"Then wh. y do you call it Radiozone? "
"It's a trade name. "
"Is Dr. Warner here? "
"No. "
"Is there anv Dr. Warner in vour Company? " "No. "
^ DR. WATSON'S ANGELIC LETTER-HEAD.
The Post-OfBce has interfered with this Quack's activity by issuing a fraud order against him.
"Then why do you call it the Dr. Warner Medical Company? " "It's a trade name. "
"Is vour name Collins? "
"N--yes. "
"Is it a trade name? "
"No. "
"Do you make vour own remedies? "
"No. "
"Who makes them? "
"Seabury and Johnson," (This firm, like Parke, Davis & Co. , is an
"ethical" concern. )
"Is there anything izi them at all? "
"Yes there is," said Mr. Bird Collins earnestly. "There's money in
'em if they're pushed right. " And he proceeded with an impressive line of promoter's argument, Avhich I refrain from reproducing, this not being a financial article.
Radium Radia is another attempt to trade upon the public superstition regarding supposed wonderful qualities of the |_ittle understood element.
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It is really a patent medicine ratlier than a specific form of quackerv. and I mention it onh' to state that it contains no radium, and that its name is typical of its swindling purpose. The same is true of Radiumite, a cure-all which consists of zinc sulfid and lead.
The truly profitable way of furnishing- radium to the public is to find a phu-e where it sjjouts from the ground. Such a spot has been discovered at C'laremore, Indian Territory, by an association of highly respected business men and bunco practitioners from Fort Smith, Arkansas, calling themselves '"The Claremore Radium Wells Co. "
Their circular embodies a picture of a young female exhaling zigzag streaks from her head and hands in a manner to suggest that she has just been short-circuited, the illustration being labeled ""Radium Emana- tions from Human Bcdy after a Bath. " The literature goes on to describe in modest and restrained terms the virtues of the spring.
'"This magic mineral Radium Water has more miraculous and wonder- ful cures to its credit than any other known agency. . . . Hundreds are being cured of all manner of diseases, and no failures with this Magical Mineral Radium Water, icithoiit the use of medicine. Drink the ^Magical Mineral Radium Water for rheumatism, all blood diseases, all kinds lung and stomach troubles and Bright's diseases [sic). It cures quick. ""
The baldness of the fake is enhanced by the inclusion in the circular of a chemical analysis of the water, showing absolutely no radium or radium-producing constituents. As a fitting close to this remarkable instance of swindling, which the correspondent Who calls it to my atten- tion characterizes as "evidently designed to test the limits of human credulity," I can do no better than reproduce in its own form the caution in the Claremore Radium Wells Co. circular:
A WARXIXG TO THE PUBLIC.
BE^VAEE OF FAKE RADIUM WATER W^HEX IN CLAREMORE FOB BATHS.
and to add, lest there be any misapprehension, that the chief "Fake Radium Water" in Claremore is that furnished bv the Claremore Radium Wells Co.
Magnetism is still "good graft. " Its mystical suggestion, appealing to superstitious hope, ofi'ers the proper medium for skilled quackery. Prof. S. Alalcolm Watson, R. S. (whatever that may mean), of Battle Creek, Michigan, operates in this field. Vibro Discs are his wares.
They are exploited to cure rheumatism. Prof, Watson's advertising matter is cal- culated to inspire it. I have seen nothing more ingenious in the realm of patent medicine literature.
The Professor's letters, too, are models of altruism. He yearns to cure you, not so much for his good as yours. The $5 which he proposes to charge you is merely nominal. If, after you have nibbled at his bait the first time, he fails to hook ycu, he lowers his price to ,$"2. 50. Let this letter go unanswered for a fortnight, and he comes after you with a final proposition to throw in a bottle of ^"ibro Oil, although the Vibro Discs and the Vibro Tablets, which are an "infallible cure," would seem to be sufficient. Alark the pathos of this last Watsonian plea:
"I have written you several kind and courteous letters, but so far you do not seem to have made the least reply. All this is very strange and to mg rather painful. Of course there may be a just cause for your silence. But if no such cause exists you must admit that T am not get- ting a fair return for the good I have tried to do and the courtesy I have shown you. "
How to be Your Own Magnetizer.
"Prof. " Watson's Vibro Discs are merely plasters to be affixed to the soles of the feet. Vibro Tablets and Vibro Oil are ordinary preparations
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put up for him by a drug firm. In none of them is there any more curative "vibration" or "galvanism" than in a lump of mud. In the interests of those suffering from rheumatic ailments I will give the fol- lowing prescription free, which I will guarantee to be as efficacious as Prof. Watson's Vibro treatment, and considerably less expensive. Pur- chase at any drug store one two-cent stamp (the one-cent variety will do in incipient cases), afiix it firmly to the base of the spinal column, and while seated upon it take one bread pill (brown or white), whenever you happen to think of it. The stamp will provide fully as much vibra- tion as Prof. Watson's discs, and the bread pill will be better for you than his tablets. Just at present the Vibro-Scientist is under a cloud, his mail having been suppressed as fraudulent, but he will probably
HORRIBLE SIGHT AT CLAREMORE WELLS.
This picture is taken from the circular issued by the Claremore Radium Wells Co. , of Claremore, Indian Territory. No explanation is made of why the lady has had her head and her hands cut off after a hath. It seems a cruel practice
even if the resultant pyrotechnic effects are genuine.
bob up again in some new spot, unless the fraud-empoAvering bill, pending at Washington, ties the hands of the Post-Office Department and gives Prof. Watson a practical license to resume business at the old stand.
Magic Foot Drafts, made at Jackson, Michigan, belong to this same class. Affixed to the soles of the feet they are advertised as drawing out the rheumatic poison from the whole system. Of course they might as well be affixed to the barn door, so far as any uric acid extraction is con- cerned. They are a compound of poke-root, pine tar, and corn meal. Prof. E. C. Goddard, manager of the Crescent Magnetic Appliance Co. of St. Louis, also has a "foot-battery" to be attached to any form of insole and a magnetic (not an electric) belt "guaranteed to throw a magnetic current through six inches of solid glass, stone, wood or other substance. "
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? This claim is no more preposterous than the company's offer to cure heart disease, epilepsy, paralysis, rheumatism, insomnia, and general debility by means of their contrivances. On this same principle of pasting a label on the outside of oneself to cure something wrong with one's inside is Dr. Young's "Peptopads," which, like the Magic Fcot Drafts, hail from Jackson, Michigan. Aflix one of these to your solar plexus and, according to the advertisement, you will not only recover from any stomach ail- ment, but "you can eat what you want and all you want. " This, I sup- pose, operates on the simple and well-known principle of sticking a piece of court-plaster on the back of a watch to repair a broken mainspring.
But the King of Quackdom in the magnetism field is C. J. Thacher, M. D. , of Chicago. His powers are cribbed, cabined, and confined by no arbitrary limits. He would scorn to restrict himself to any one disease or class of diseases. Thacher will cure anything, paralysis, consumption, Bright's disease, obesity, insanity or senility; it's all one to him. Just let him get the patient inside a set of "the famous Thacher Magnetic Shields," and disease and death must slink away, impotent and ashamed. Hear the trumpet-tones of Thacher, via the New York "Am. erican:"
"I want to say to every man, woman and child within my reach that I can cure any disease that afflicts the human race. I make that state- ment just as broad, sweeping and all-inclusive as I know how. I don't care what the disease is, nor how bad it is, nor how many other diseases are complicated with it, I am as positive that I can cure them all with the famous Thacher Magnetic Shields as I am that the sun will rise in the morning. "
When I called at 161 State Street^ Chicago, to see the worker of these miracles, I found a big, gaunt old man, with a formidable head^ a for- midable voice, and a still more formidable manner. He wore a magnetic cap, a magnetic waistcoat, magnetic insoles, and his legs were sw^athed like a mummy's in magnetic wrappings. It made one perspire to look at him. The outset of the conversation, I regret to report, v>>^as unpropitious. Upon learning of my errand, the aged Thacher proceeded to thunder eloquent denunciations. Because of what he termed "wholesale and un- warranted attacks" he couldn't get his advertisements in the best news- papers, nor would the high-class office buildings accept him as a tenant.
(Real estate men in Chicago seem to be more particular than in New York, where the Flatiron Building accepts Waters-of-Life Isham, the blood-brother in quackery of Thacher, et al. ) He was confounded with every quack that chose to exploit himself. He, -Thacher, was no quack. He defied anyone to call him a quack. At this point, observing that his hearer was properly impressed and alarmed, he became mild and confiden- tial, and delivered a lecture which I think was devised for prospective patients. A few of the gems (unset, of necessity) follow:
"My object is to spread the light: to rescue humanity. I can cure them of anything! I write and I lecture. The people fiock to hear me. In time they will compel the authorities to take notice of my methods. "
( Presumably Dr. Thacher did not have in mind the Post-Office authorities. "I will extend my Magnetic Shield treatment to the Government. I will say, 'Take it! Take it! and set the people free. '
"Insanity! " (Whacking himself on the magnetic-cap. ) "Insanity! Simple as daylight! Let the authorities turn over ten cases to me. I'll put my magnetic shields on 'em and cure 'em. Restore the harmonious vibrations of the brain and everything is well.
"Paralysis! " (Hammering himself on his magnetic leg-swaddlings. "Easy problem. Had five cases. Couldn't wink or speak or move finger or toe. Put suits on 'em and cured 'em. Cured 'em right off. Winked. Spoke. Moved finger and toe. Got up and walked. Paralysis! Pish! "
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Dr. Thacher proceeded to explain that in every square of his magnetic garments is a small magnet, the total lifting power of a full suit being 250 pounds. On this basis there seems to be something wrong with my
sample of magnetic insoles, as the very slightly magnetized steel in them won't lift its own weight. At this rate a full outfit, having the lifting power claimed by the inventor, would be rather cumbrous for summer wear, as it would weigh about a quarter of a ton.
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Of the making of "electric belts" and other fake forms of electric "cures. " there is apparently no end. Most of them purport to relieve general debility. They may have a brief stimulating influence, but the stimulus soon wears off, leaving the dupe worse than he was before. Aa cures for rheumatism, paralysis, and the other diseases which they pre- tend to eradicate, they are simple frauds one and all. Moreover, most of them when worn next the skin produce ugly and poisoned sores, from the chemical action. Extreme instances of swindling claims are afforded by "Tlie Electricure," which modestly offers to cure absolutely "consumption, paralysis, rheumatism, heart disease, and all acute, chronic or organic diseases," and the "Electro-Chemical Ring," which cures diabetes, epi- lepsy and rheumatism merely by being worn on the finger. .
From Quackery to Miracles.
At the apex of the profession of quacker}^ stands the miracle-worker proper. Usually he is an itinerant, traveling after the manner of his fellow parasite, the flea, by long leaps. One week he will be in Cincin- nati, the next in Chattanooga, and a fortnight later in New Orleans. His advertising methods are those of the circus. One of this class, W'ho swings around the circle in western New York, is a singular creature, whose stage name is "The Great Vurpillat. " He travels w-ith a brass band and a six-horse team, duly blanketed with his name, and precedes his "lecture" with a vaudeville show. Newspapers that want his adver- tising must print it as legitimate news, which, to their discredit, many of them do. In the Rochester Union and Advertiser, for instance, I find his three-quarters of a column next to reading matter and with no mark to designate it as advertising. The Great Vurpillat's system is to hire a vacant hall, or, in warm weather, a vacant lot, give his little show, and then proceed to "demonstrate. " For instance, a member of the audience presents himself to be cured of deafness. The Great Vurpillat stands fiifteen feet away from the patient, and in a voice like a dying saint's last whisper inquires: "Can you hear me speak? "
"No," replies the patient in ansAver to the expression of inquiry on the demonstrator's face. - Anointment with some kind of embrocation follows, after which the wonder-worker moves away forty or fifty feet, and thun-
derously bellows: "Can you hear me now? "
"Yes," says the startled victim.
On the following day the Unio7i and Advertiser dutifully announces
that "after the Great Vurpillat had demonstrated upon him with his wonderful new discovery, Mr. Leideeker said he could hear Vurpillat's voice at a distance of sixty feet. "
The New Orleans States sells its space to a species of quackery so blas- phemous that the clergy of that city might well make it the subject of concerted protest. The advertiser is a "Panopathic Professor," Wallace Hadley of New York, who offers to cure all diseases at any distance, and thus exploits himself in huge type:
HAS HE THE POWER DIVINE?
Ministers of the Gospel say he is Gifted of God, and Praise Him for His Help to Suffering Humanity.
Professor Hadley, when not itinerating, is the medical director and working head of the Force of Life Co.
Toledo has a curious quack who describes his alleged successes aa "jNIodern Miracles. " He calls himself "Professor Larmouth," under which name he conducts a "Health Home. " He is cunning, ignorant and with- out genuine medical qualifications, in spite of which he has as partner
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in his noisome enterprise the proprietor of one of Toledo's principal news- paperS;, a gentleman who takes pride in his record as a public influence for good through lectures and Y. M. C. A. addresses; yet who takes profit from a swindle, compared to which three-card monte is respectable and harmless.
Every city has its quacks of the miracle-working kind. Mostly they prey upon the ignorant, and Avhen the field of one locality is worked out they move to another, leaving their former province to some suc- cessor of their kind. For upon this profitable principle all medical bunco is built; that the human sheep once fleeced soon grows another crop for the benefit of the comintTj shearer.
I
? Reprinted from Collier's Weekly, Sept. 1, 1906.
III. THE SPECIALIST HUMBUG,
Specializing is the modern tendency in medical practice. Hence the quack, who is but an exaggerated and grotesque imitation of the regular practitioner, smells money in devoting himself to specific fields of en- deavor. Sedulously he perfects himself in his own department; not by acquiring knowledge of the nature and treatment of disease, indeed, but by studying how most effectively to enmesh the sufferer from a certain class of ailments in the net of his specious promises. Upon his skill here depends his success. Experience teaches him nothing of professional
value, for the vast majority of his "patients'^ he never sees. He diag- noses by mail and doses by express. His "consultation" correspondence is carried on through a series of ingeniously devised form-letters, worded to suit every case and turned out by a corps of typew^riters. The average advertising specialist concern would work just as well if the "doctor" him- self spent his time fishing for finned suckers and left his trained stenog- ; raphers to attend to the human variety.
Blindness and deafness are fattening afflictions for the medical guer- ' rillas. With a little reading, a few borrowed scientific phrases and illustrations wherewdth to garnish his booklet, and an apt catchword for his advertising, your eye or ear specialist, or eye and ear specialist--'- for some of them combine the two--is ready for business. To get his patients he appeals to a deep-rooted and universal instinct, the piteous shrinking of the flesh and spirit from cold steel, so often the cruel neces- sity and the merciful hope of the afflicted. -
Like Mending Chimneys by Mail.
"Don't undergo an ojDeration. Come to me and spare yourself the tor- ture of the knife," loudly invites the quack. What matters, it to him that the time wasted in his futile processes may mean sight or hearing Vv'asted, also, and beyond chance of recovery! He gets his pay; that's his whole concern. For this he will promise to cure you, not only without operation, but without even seeing you. Can the mind conceive any- - thing more preposterous? Here are two instruments of nerve and muscle, infinitely delicate, inscrutably efficient and accurate. The eye is a marvel of mathematical adjustment in angles and curves of vision. Our precious quack proposes to~ solve the problem of its distorted equations without the slighest study of the figures. Could he work out a geometri- cal thesis without a diagram? Could he survey a field by mail? The problems of hearing are almost as intricate and far more obscure than those of seeing. The self-styled "Eminent Aurist'^ will remedy the most difficult defects without a personal examination. Would he essay to repair a defective chimney flue by "home treatment? " The proposition is a far more reasonable one. Yet the eternally hopeful, eternally credu- lous fill the mails with trusting appeals and dollars addressed to these- swindlers, and thus lighten themselves for a swifter flight to darkness and silence.
If I were organizing an American Institute of Quack Specialists I should select Dr. Oren Oneal of Chicago as the first president. The artful plausi- bility of his advertising, his ingenuity in "jollying along" the patient for
his reluctant dollars, the widespread familiarity of his features through the magazine advertising pages, and, above all, his sleek and polished personality, make him the natural candidate. A high-class exponent of the charlatan's art is Dr. Oren. No raw newspaper advertising for him! He prefers the magazines, and the bane of his business existence is that, .
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