No More Learning

horas gar limo
analiscomenon eme athlion, ke en to metaxy me ouk eleis oudamos, zetis de
par emou ha ou chre. Ke homos philologi pantes homologousi tote logous te
ke remata peritta hyparchin, hopote pragma afto pasi delon esti. Entha gar
anankei monon logi isin, hina pragmata (hon peri amphisbetoumen), me
prosphoros epiphenete. ' What? Said Carpalim, Pantagruel's footman, It is
Greek, I have understood him. And how? hast thou dwelt any while in
Greece? Then said the droll again:

'Agonou dont oussys vous desdagnez algorou: nou den farou zamist vous
mariston ulbrou, fousques voubrol tant bredaguez moupreton dengoulhoust,
daguez daguez non cropys fost pardonnoflist nougrou. Agou paston tol
nalprissys hourtou los echatonous, prou dhouquys brol pany gou den bascrou
noudous caguons goulfren goul oustaroppassou. ' (In this and the preceding
speeches of Panurge, the Paris Variorum Edition of 1823 has been followed
in correcting Urquhart's text, which is full of inaccuracies. --M. )
Methinks I understand him, said Pantagruel; for either it is the language
of my country of Utopia, or sounds very like it. And, as he was about to
have begun some purpose, the companion said:

'Jam toties vos per sacra, perque deos deasque omnes obtestatus sum, ut si
quae vos pietas permovet, egestatem meam solaremini, nec hilum proficio
clamans et ejulans. Sinite, quaeso, sinite, viri impii, quo me fata vocant
abire; nec ultra vanis vestris interpellationibus obtundatis, memores
veteris illius adagii, quo venter famelicus auriculis carere dicitur. '
Well, my friend, said Pantagruel, but cannot you speak French? That I can
do, sir, very well, said the companion, God be thanked. It is my natural
language and mother tongue, for I was born and bred in my younger years in
the garden of France, to wit, Touraine. Then, said Pantagruel, tell us
what is your name, and from whence you are come; for, by my faith, I have
already stamped in my mind such a deep impression of love towards you,
that, if you will condescend unto my will, you shall not depart out of my
company, and you and I shall make up another couple of friends such as
Aeneas and Achates were. Sir, said the companion, my true and proper
Christian name is Panurge, and now I come out of Turkey, to which country I
was carried away prisoner at that time when they went to Metelin with a
mischief. And willingly would I relate unto you my fortunes, which are
more wonderful than those of Ulysses were; but, seeing that it pleaseth you
to retain me with you, I most heartily accept of the offer, protesting
never to leave you should you go to all the devils in hell. We shall have
therefore more leisure at another time, and a fitter opportunity wherein to
report them; for at this present I am in a very urgent necessity to feed;
my teeth are sharp, my belly empty, my throat dry, and my stomach fierce
and burning, all is ready. If you will but set me to work, it will be as
good as a balsamum for sore eyes to see me gulch and raven it. For God's
sake, give order for it. Then Pantagruel commanded that they should carry
him home and provide him good store of victuals; which being done, he ate
very well that evening, and, capon-like, went early to bed; then slept
until dinner-time the next day, so that he made but three steps and one
leap from the bed to the board.



Chapter 2. X.

How Pantagruel judged so equitably of a controversy, which was wonderfully
obscure and difficult, that, by reason of his just decree therein, he was
reputed to have a most admirable judgment.

Pantagruel, very well remembering his father's letter and admonitions,
would one day make trial of his knowledge. Thereupon, in all the
carrefours, that is, throughout all the four quarters, streets, and corners
of the city, he set up conclusions to the number of nine thousand seven
hundred sixty and four, in all manner of learning, touching in them the
hardest doubts that are in any science. And first of all, in the Fodder
Street he held dispute against all the regents or fellows of colleges,
artists or masters of arts, and orators, and did so gallantly that he
overthrew them and set them all upon their tails. He went afterwards to
the Sorbonne, where he maintained argument against all the theologians or
divines, for the space of six weeks, from four o'clock in the morning until
six in the evening, except an interval of two hours to refresh themselves
and take their repast. And at this were present the greatest part of the
lords of the court, the masters of requests, presidents, counsellors, those
of the accompts, secretaries, advocates, and others; as also the sheriffs
of the said town, with the physicians and professors of the canon law.
Amongst which, it is to be remarked, that the greatest part were stubborn
jades, and in their opinions obstinate; but he took such course with them
that, for all their ergoes and fallacies, he put their backs to the wall,
gravelled them in the deepest questions, and made it visibly appear to the
world that, compared to him, they were but monkeys and a knot of muffled
calves. Whereupon everybody began to keep a bustling noise and talk of his
so marvellous knowledge, through all degrees of persons of both sexes, even
to the very laundresses, brokers, roast-meat sellers, penknife makers, and
others, who, when he passed along in the street, would say, This is he! in
which he took delight, as Demosthenes, the prince of Greek orators, did,
when an old crouching wife, pointing at him with her fingers, said, That is
the man.

Now at this same very time there was a process or suit in law depending in
court between two great lords, of which one was called my Lord Kissbreech,
plaintiff of one side, and the other my Lord Suckfist, defendant of the
other; whose controversy was so high and difficult in law that the court of
parliament could make nothing of it. And therefore, by the commandment of
the king, there were assembled four of the greatest and most learned of all
the parliaments of France, together with the great council, and all the
principal regents of the universities, not only of France, but of England
also and Italy, such as Jason, Philippus Decius, Petrus de Petronibus, and
a rabble of other old Rabbinists. Who being thus met together, after they
had thereupon consulted for the space of six-and-forty weeks, finding that
they could not fasten their teeth in it, nor with such clearness understand
the case as that they might in any manner of way be able to right it, or
take up the difference betwixt the two aforesaid parties, it did so
grievously vex them that they most villainously conshit themselves for
shame. In this great extremity one amongst them, named Du Douhet, the
learnedest of all, and more expert and prudent than any of the rest, whilst
one day they were thus at their wits' end, all-to-be-dunced and
philogrobolized in their brains, said unto them, We have been here, my
masters, a good long space, without doing anything else than trifle away
both our time and money, and can nevertheless find neither brim nor bottom
in this matter, for the more we study about it the less we understand
therein, which is a great shame and disgrace to us, and a heavy burden to
our consciences; yea, such that in my opinion we shall not rid ourselves of
it without dishonour, unless we take some other course; for we do nothing
but dote in our consultations.

See, therefore, what I have thought upon. You have heard much talking of
that worthy personage named Master Pantagruel, who hath been found to be
learned above the capacity of this present age, by the proofs he gave in
those great disputations which he held publicly against all men. My
opinion is, that we send for him to confer with him about this business;
for never any man will encompass the bringing of it to an end if he do it
not.

Hereunto all the counsellors and doctors willingly agreed, and according to
that their result having instantly sent for him, they entreated him to be
pleased to canvass the process and sift it thoroughly, that, after a deep
search and narrow examination of all the points thereof, he might forthwith
make the report unto them such as he shall think good in true and legal
knowledge. To this effect they delivered into his hands the bags wherein
were the writs and pancarts concerning that suit, which for bulk and weight
were almost enough to lade four great couillard or stoned asses. But
Pantagruel said unto them, Are the two lords between whom this debate and
process is yet living? It was answered him, Yes. To what a devil, then,
said he, serve so many paltry heaps and bundles of papers and copies which
you give me? Is it not better to hear their controversy from their own
mouths whilst they are face to face before us, than to read these vile
fopperies, which are nothing but trumperies, deceits, diabolical cozenages
of Cepola, pernicious slights and subversions of equity? For I am sure
that you, and all those through whose hands this process has passed, have
by your devices added what you could to it pro et contra in such sort that,
although their difference perhaps was clear and easy enough to determine at
first, you have obscured it and made it more intricate by the frivolous,
sottish, unreasonable, and foolish reasons and opinions of Accursius,
Baldus, Bartolus, de Castro, de Imola, Hippolytus, Panormo, Bertachin,
Alexander, Curtius, and those other old mastiffs, who never understood the
least law of the Pandects, they being but mere blockheads and great tithe
calves, ignorant of all that which was needful for the understanding of the
laws; for, as it is most certain, they had not the knowledge either of the
Greek or Latin tongue, but only of the Gothic and barbarian. The laws,
nevertheless, were first taken from the Greeks, according to the testimony
of Ulpian, L. poster. de origine juris, which we likewise may perceive by
that all the laws are full of Greek words and sentences. And then we find
that they are reduced into a Latin style the most elegant and ornate that
whole language is able to afford, without excepting that of any that ever
wrote therein, nay, not of Sallust, Varro, Cicero, Seneca, Titus Livius,
nor Quintilian. How then could these old dotards be able to understand
aright the text of the laws who never in their time had looked upon a good
Latin book, as doth evidently enough appear by the rudeness of their style,
which is fitter for a chimney-sweeper, or for a cook or a scullion, than
for a jurisconsult and doctor in the laws?

Furthermore, seeing the laws are excerpted out of the middle of moral and
natural philosophy, how should these fools have understood it, that have,
by G--, studied less in philosophy than my mule? In respect of human
learning and the knowledge of antiquities and history they were truly laden
with those faculties as a toad is with feathers. And yet of all this the
laws are so full that without it they cannot be understood, as I intend
more fully to show unto you in a peculiar treatise which on that purpose I
am about to publish. Therefore, if you will that I take any meddling in
this process, first cause all these papers to be burnt; secondly, make the
two gentlemen come personally before me, and afterwards, when I shall have
heard them, I will tell you my opinion freely without any feignedness or
dissimulation whatsoever.

Some amongst them did contradict this motion, as you know that in all
companies there are more fools than wise men, and that the greater part
always surmounts the better, as saith Titus Livius in speaking of the
Carthaginians. But the foresaid Du Douhet held the contrary opinion,
maintaining that Pantagruel had said well, and what was right, in affirming
that these records, bills of inquest, replies, rejoinders, exceptions,
depositions, and other such diableries of truth-entangling writs, were but
engines wherewith to overthrow justice and unnecessarily to prolong such
suits as did depend before them; and that, therefore, the devil would carry
them all away to hell if they did not take another course and proceeded not
in times coming according to the prescripts of evangelical and
philosophical equity. In fine, all the papers were burnt, and the two
gentlemen summoned and personally convented. At whose appearance before
the court Pantagruel said unto them, Are you they that have this great
difference betwixt you? Yes, my lord, said they. Which of you, said
Pantagruel, is the plaintiff? It is I, said my Lord Kissbreech. Go to,
then, my friend, said he, and relate your matter unto me from point to
point, according to the real truth, or else, by cock's body, if I find you
to lie so much as in one word, I will make you shorter by the head, and
take it from off your shoulders to show others by your example that in
justice and judgment men ought to speak nothing but the truth. Therefore
take heed you do not add nor impair anything in the narration of your case.
Begin.



Chapter 2. XI.

How the Lords of Kissbreech and Suckfist did plead before Pantagruel
without an attorney.

Then began Kissbreech in manner as followeth. My lord, it is true that a
good woman of my house carried eggs to the market to sell. Be covered,
Kissbreech, said Pantagruel. Thanks to you, my lord, said the Lord
Kissbreech; but to the purpose. There passed betwixt the two tropics the
sum of threepence towards the zenith and a halfpenny, forasmuch as the
Riphaean mountains had been that year oppressed with a great sterility of
counterfeit gudgeons and shows without substance, by means of the babbling
tattle and fond fibs seditiously raised between the gibblegabblers and
Accursian gibberish-mongers for the rebellion of the Switzers, who had
assembled themselves to the full number of the bumbees and myrmidons to go
a-handsel-getting on the first day of the new year, at that very time when
they give brewis to the oxen and deliver the key of the coals to the
country-girls for serving in of the oats to the dogs. All the night long
they did nothing else, keeping their hands still upon the pot, but
despatch, both on foot and horseback, leaden-sealed writs or letters, to
wit, papal commissions commonly called bulls, to stop the boats; for the
tailors and seamsters would have made of the stolen shreds and clippings a
goodly sagbut to cover the face of the ocean, which then was great with
child of a potful of cabbage, according to the opinion of the
hay-bundle-makers. But the physicians said that by the urine they
could discern no manifest sign of the bustard's pace, nor how to eat
double-tongued mattocks with mustard, unless the lords and gentlemen of the
court should be pleased to give by B. mol express command to the pox not to
run about any longer in gleaning up of coppersmiths and tinkers; for the
jobbernolls had already a pretty good beginning in their dance of the
British jig called the estrindore, to a perfect diapason, with one foot in
the fire, and their head in the middle, as goodman Ragot was wont to say.

Ha, my masters, God moderates all things, and disposeth of them at his
pleasure, so that against unlucky fortune a carter broke his frisking whip,
which was all the wind-instrument he had. This was done at his return from
the little paltry town, even then when Master Antitus of Cressplots was
licentiated, and had passed his degrees in all dullery and blockishness,
according to this sentence of the canonists, Beati Dunces, quoniam ipsi
stumblaverunt. But that which makes Lent to be so high, by St. Fiacre of
Bry, is for nothing else but that the Pentecost never comes but to my cost;
yet, on afore there, ho! a little rain stills a great wind, and we must
think so, seeing that the sergeant hath propounded the matter so far above
my reach, that the clerks and secondaries could not with the benefit
thereof lick their fingers, feathered with ganders, so orbicularly as they
were wont in other things to do. And we do manifestly see that everyone
acknowledgeth himself to be in the error wherewith another hath been
charged, reserving only those cases whereby we are obliged to take an
ocular inspection in a perspective glass of these things towards the place
in the chimney where hangeth the sign of the wine of forty girths, which
have been always accounted very necessary for the number of twenty pannels
and pack-saddles of the bankrupt protectionaries of five years' respite.
Howsoever, at least, he that would not let fly the fowl before the
cheesecakes ought in law to have discovered his reason why not, for the
memory is often lost with a wayward shoeing. Well, God keep Theobald
Mitain from all danger! Then said Pantagruel, Hold there! Ho, my friend,
soft and fair, speak at leisure and soberly without putting yourself in
choler. I understand the case,--go on. Now then, my lord, said
Kissbreech, the foresaid good woman saying her gaudez and audi nos, could
not cover herself with a treacherous backblow, ascending by the wounds and
passions of the privileges of the universities, unless by the virtue of a
warming-pan she had angelically fomented every part of her body in covering
them with a hedge of garden-beds; then giving in a swift unavoidable thirst
(thrust) very near to the place where they sell the old rags whereof the
painters of Flanders make great use when they are about neatly to clap on
shoes on grasshoppers, locusts, cigals, and such like fly-fowls, so strange
to us that I am wonderfully astonished why the world doth not lay, seeing
it is so good to hatch.

Here the Lord of Suckfist would have interrupted him and spoken somewhat,
whereupon Pantagruel said unto him, St! by St. Anthony's belly, doth it
become thee to speak without command? I sweat here with the extremity of
labour and exceeding toil I take to understand the proceeding of your
mutual difference, and yet thou comest to trouble and disquiet me. Peace,
in the devil's name, peace. Thou shalt be permitted to speak thy bellyful
when this man hath done, and no sooner. Go on, said he to Kissbreech;
speak calmly, and do not overheat yourself with too much haste.

I perceiving, then, said Kissbreech, that the Pragmatical Sanction did make
no mention of it, and that the holy Pope to everyone gave liberty to fart
at his own ease, if that the blankets had no streaks wherein the liars were
to be crossed with a ruffian-like crew, and, the rainbow being newly
sharpened at Milan to bring forth larks, gave his full consent that the
good woman should tread down the heel of the hip-gut pangs, by virtue of a
solemn protestation put in by the little testiculated or codsted fishes,
which, to tell the truth, were at that time very necessary for
understanding the syntax and construction of old boots. Therefore John
Calf, her cousin gervais once removed with a log from the woodstack, very
seriously advised her not to put herself into the hazard of quagswagging in
the lee, to be scoured with a buck of linen clothes till first she had
kindled the paper. This counsel she laid hold on, because he desired her
to take nothing and throw out, for Non de ponte vadit, qui cum sapientia
cadit. Matters thus standing, seeing the masters of the chamber of
accompts or members of that committee did not fully agree amongst
themselves in casting up the number of the Almany whistles, whereof were
framed those spectacles for princes which have been lately printed at
Antwerp, I must needs think that it makes a bad return of the writ, and
that the adverse party is not to be believed, in sacer verbo dotis. For
that, having a great desire to obey the pleasure of the king, I armed
myself from toe to top with belly furniture, of the soles of good
venison-pasties, to go see how my grape-gatherers and vintagers had pinked
and cut full of small holes their high-coped caps, to lecher it the better,
and play at in and in. And indeed the time was very dangerous in coming
from the fair, in so far that many trained bowmen were cast at the muster
and quite rejected, although the chimney-tops were high enough, according to
the proportion of the windgalls in the legs of horses, or of the malanders,
which in the esteem of expert farriers is no better disease, or else the
story of Ronypatifam or Lamibaudichon, interpreted by some to be the tale of
a tub or of a roasted horse, savours of apocrypha, and is not an authentic
history. And by this means there was that year great abundance, throughout
all the country of Artois, of tawny buzzing beetles, to the no small profit
of the gentlemen-great-stick-faggot-carriers, when they did eat without
disdaining the cocklicranes, till their belly was like to crack with it
again. As for my own part, such is my Christian charity towards my
neighbours, that I could wish from my heart everyone had as good a voice; it
would make us play the better at the tennis and the balloon. And truly, my
lord, to express the real truth without dissimulation, I cannot but say that
those petty subtle devices which are found out in the etymologizing of
pattens would descend more easily into the river of Seine, to serve for ever
at the millers' bridge upon the said water, as it was heretofore decreed by
the king of the Canarians, according to the sentence or judgment given
thereupon, which is to be seen in the registry and records within the
clerk's office of this house.

And, therefore, my lord, I do most humbly require, that by your lordship
there may be said and declared upon the case what is reasonable, with
costs, damages, and interests. Then said Pantagruel, My friend, is this
all you have to say? Kissbreech answered, Yes, my lord, for I have told
all the tu autem, and have not varied at all upon mine honour in so much as
one single word. You then, said Pantagruel, my Lord of Suckfist, say what
you will, and be brief, without omitting, nevertheless, anything that may
serve to the purpose.



Chapter 2. XII.

How the Lord of Suckfist pleaded before Pantagruel.

Then began the Lord Suckfist in manner as followeth. My lord, and you my
masters, if the iniquity of men were as easily seen in categorical judgment
as we can discern flies in a milkpot, the world's four oxen had not been so
eaten up with rats, nor had so many ears upon the earth been nibbled away
so scurvily. For although all that my adversary hath spoken be of a very
soft and downy truth, in so much as concerns the letter and history of the
factum, yet nevertheless the crafty slights, cunning subtleties, sly
cozenages, and little troubling entanglements are hid under the rosepot,
the common cloak and cover of all fraudulent deceits.

Should I endure that, when I am eating my pottage equal with the best, and
that without either thinking or speaking any manner of ill, they rudely
come to vex, trouble, and perplex my brains with that antique proverb which
saith,

Who in his pottage-eating drinks will not,
When he is dead and buried, see one jot.

And, good lady, how many great captains have we seen in the day of battle,
when in open field the sacrament was distributed in luncheons of the
sanctified bread of the confraternity, the more honestly to nod their
heads, play on the lute, and crack with their tails, to make pretty little
platform leaps in keeping level by the ground? But now the world is
unshackled from the corners of the packs of Leicester. One flies out
lewdly and becomes debauched; another, likewise, five, four, and two, and
that at such random that, if the court take not some course therein, it
will make as bad a season in matter of gleaning this year as ever it made,
or it will make goblets. If any poor creature go to the stoves to
illuminate his muzzle with a cowsherd or to buy winter-boots, and that the
sergeants passing by, or those of the watch, happen to receive the
decoction of a clyster or the fecal matter of a close-stool upon their
rustling-wrangling-clutter-keeping masterships, should any because of that
make bold to clip the shillings and testers and fry the wooden dishes?
Sometimes, when we think one thing, God does another; and when the sun is
wholly set all beasts are in the shade. Let me never be believed again, if
I do not gallantly prove it by several people who have seen the light of
the day.

In the year thirty and six, buying a Dutch curtail, which was a middle-sized
horse, both high and short, of a wool good enough and dyed in grain, as the
goldsmiths assured me, although the notary put an &c. in it, I told really
that I was not a clerk of so much learning as to snatch at the moon with my
teeth; but, as for the butter-firkin where Vulcanian deeds and evidences
were sealed, the rumour was, and the report thereof went current, that
salt-beef will make one find the way to the wine without a candle, though it
were hid in the bottom of a collier's sack, and that with his drawers on he
were mounted on a barbed horse furnished with a fronstal, and such arms,
thighs, and leg-pieces as are requisite for the well frying and broiling of
a swaggering sauciness. Here is a sheep's head, and it is well they make a
proverb of this, that it is good to see black cows in burnt wood when one
attains to the enjoyment of his love. I had a consultation upon this point
with my masters the clerks, who for resolution concluded in frisesomorum
that there is nothing like to mowing in the summer, and sweeping clean away
in water, well garnished with paper, ink, pens, and penknives, of Lyons upon
the river of Rhone, dolopym dolopof, tarabin tarabas, tut, prut, pish; for,
incontinently after that armour begins to smell of garlic, the rust will go
near to eat the liver, not of him that wears it, and then do they nothing
else but withstand others' courses, and wryneckedly set up their bristles
'gainst one another, in lightly passing over their afternoon's sleep, and
this is that which maketh salt so dear. My lords, believe not when the said
good woman had with birdlime caught the shoveler fowl, the better before a
sergeant's witness to deliver the younger son's portion to him, that the
sheep's pluck or hog's haslet did dodge and shrink back in the usurers'
purses, or that there could be anything better to preserve one from the
cannibals than to take a rope of onions, knit with three hundred turnips,
and a little of a calf's chaldern of the best allay that the alchemists have
provided, (and) that they daub and do over with clay, as also calcinate and
burn to dust these pantoufles, muff in muff out, mouflin mouflard, with the
fine sauce of the juice of the rabble rout, whilst they hide themselves in
some petty mouldwarphole, saving always the little slices of bacon. Now, if
the dice will not favour you with any other throw but ambes-ace and the
chance of three at the great end, mark well the ace, then take me your dame,
settle her in a corner of the bed, and whisk me her up drilletrille, there,
there, toureloura la la; which when you have done, take a hearty draught of
the best, despicando grenovillibus, in despite of the frogs, whose fair
coarse bebuskined stockings shall be set apart for the little green geese or
mewed goslings, which, fattened in a coop, take delight to sport themselves
at the wagtail game, waiting for the beating of the metal and heating of the
wax by the slavering drivellers of consolation.

Very true it is, that the four oxen which are in debate, and whereof
mention was made, were somewhat short in memory. Nevertheless, to
understand the game aright, they feared neither the cormorant nor mallard
of Savoy, which put the good people of my country in great hope that their
children some time should become very skilful in algorism. Therefore is
it, that by a law rubric and special sentence thereof, that we cannot fail
to take the wolf if we make our hedges higher than the windmill, whereof
somewhat was spoken by the plaintiff. But the great devil did envy it, and
by that means put the High Dutches far behind, who played the devils in
swilling down and tippling at the good liquor, trink, mein herr, trink,
trink, by two of my table-men in the corner-point I have gained the lurch.
For it is not probable, nor is there any appearance of truth in this
saying, that at Paris upon a little bridge the hen is proportionable, and
were they as copped and high-crested as marsh whoops, if veritably they did
not sacrifice the printer's pumpet-balls at Moreb, with a new edge set upon
them by text letters or those of a swift-writing hand, it is all one to me,
so that the headband of the book breed not moths or worms in it. And put
the case that, at the coupling together of the buckhounds, the little
puppies shall have waxed proud before the notary could have given an
account of the serving of his writ by the cabalistic art, it will
necessarily follow, under correction of the better judgment of the court,
that six acres of meadow ground of the greatest breadth will make three
butts of fine ink, without paying ready money; considering that, at the
funeral of King Charles, we might have had the fathom in open market for
one and two, that is, deuce ace. This I may affirm with a safe conscience,
upon my oath of wool.

And I see ordinarily in all good bagpipes, that, when they go to the
counterfeiting of the chirping of small birds, by swinging a broom three
times about a chimney, and putting his name upon record, they do nothing
but bend a crossbow backwards, and wind a horn, if perhaps it be too hot,
and that, by making it fast to a rope he was to draw, immediately after the
sight of the letters, the cows were restored to him. Such another sentence
after the homeliest manner was pronounced in the seventeenth year, because
of the bad government of Louzefougarouse, whereunto it may please the court
to have regard. I desire to be rightly understood; for truly, I say not
but that in all equity, and with an upright conscience, those may very well
be dispossessed who drink holy water as one would do a weaver's shuttle,
whereof suppositories are made to those that will not resign, but on the
terms of ell and tell and giving of one thing for another. Tunc, my lords,
quid juris pro minoribus? For the common custom of the Salic law is such,
that the first incendiary or firebrand of sedition that flays the cow and
wipes his nose in a full concert of music without blowing in the cobbler's
stitches, should in the time of the nightmare sublimate the penury of his
member by moss gathered when people are like to founder themselves at the
mess at midnight, to give the estrapade to these white wines of Anjou that
do the fear of the leg in lifting it by horsemen called the gambetta, and
that neck to neck after the fashion of Brittany, concluding as before with
costs, damages, and interests.

After that the Lord of Suckfist had ended, Pantagruel said to the Lord of
Kissbreech, My friend, have you a mind to make any reply to what is said?
No, my lord, answered Kissbreech; for I have spoke all I intended, and
nothing but the truth. Therefore, put an end for God's sake to our
difference, for we are here at great charge.



Chapter 2. XIII.

How Pantagruel gave judgment upon the difference of the two lords.

Then Pantagruel, rising up, assembled all the presidents, counsellors, and
doctors that were there, and said unto them, Come now, my masters, you have
heard vivae vocis oraculo, the controversy that is in question; what do you
think of it? They answered him, We have indeed heard it, but have not
understood the devil so much as one circumstance of the case; and therefore
we beseech you, una voce, and in courtesy request you that you would give
sentence as you think good, and, ex nunc prout ex tunc, we are satisfied
with it, and do ratify it with our full consents. Well, my masters, said
Pantagruel, seeing you are so pleased, I will do it; but I do not truly
find the case so difficult as you make it. Your paragraph Caton, the law
Frater, the law Gallus, the law Quinque pedum, the law Vinum, the law Si
Dominus, the law Mater, the law Mulier bona, to the law Si quis, the law
Pomponius, the law Fundi, the law Emptor, the law Praetor, the law
Venditor, and a great many others, are far more intricate in my opinion.
After he had spoke this, he walked a turn or two about the hall, plodding
very profoundly, as one may think; for he did groan like an ass whilst they
girth him too hard, with the very intensiveness of considering how he was
bound in conscience to do right to both parties, without varying or
accepting of persons. Then he returned, sat down, and began to pronounce
sentence as followeth.

Having seen, heard, calculated, and well considered of the difference
between the Lords of Kissbreech and Suckfist, the court saith unto them,
that in regard of the sudden quaking, shivering, and hoariness of the
flickermouse, bravely declining from the estival solstice, to attempt by
private means the surprisal of toyish trifles in those who are a little
unwell for having taken a draught too much, through the lewd demeanour and
vexation of the beetles that inhabit the diarodal (diarhomal) climate of an
hypocritical ape on horseback, bending a crossbow backwards, the plaintiff
truly had just cause to calfet, or with oakum to stop the chinks of the
galleon which the good woman blew up with wind, having one foot shod and
the other bare, reimbursing and restoring to him, low and stiff in his
conscience, as many bladder-nuts and wild pistaches as there is of hair in
eighteen cows, with as much for the embroiderer, and so much for that. He
is likewise declared innocent of the case privileged from the knapdardies,
into the danger whereof it was thought he had incurred; because he could
not jocundly and with fulness of freedom untruss and dung, by the decision
of a pair of gloves perfumed with the scent of bum-gunshot at the
walnut-tree taper, as is usual in his country of Mirebalais. Slacking,
therefore, the topsail, and letting go the bowline with the brazen bullets,
wherewith the mariners did by way of protestation bake in pastemeat great
store of pulse interquilted with the dormouse, whose hawk's-bells were made
with a puntinaria, after the manner of Hungary or Flanders lace, and which
his brother-in-law carried in a pannier, lying near to three chevrons or
bordered gules, whilst he was clean out of heart, drooping and crestfallen
by the too narrow sifting, canvassing, and curious examining of the matter
in the angularly doghole of nasty scoundrels, from whence we shoot at the
vermiformal popinjay with the flap made of a foxtail.

But in that he chargeth the defendant that he was a botcher, cheese-eater,
and trimmer of man's flesh embalmed, which in the arsiversy swagfall tumble
was not found true, as by the defendant was very well discussed.

The court, therefore, doth condemn and amerce him in three porringers of
curds, well cemented and closed together, shining like pearls, and
codpieced after the fashion of the country, to be paid unto the said
defendant about the middle of August in May. But, on the other part, the
defendant shall be bound to furnish him with hay and stubble for stopping
the caltrops of his throat, troubled and impulregafized, with gabardines
garbled shufflingly, and friends as before, without costs and for cause.

Which sentence being pronounced, the two parties departed both contented
with the decree, which was a thing almost incredible. For it never came to
pass since the great rain, nor shall the like occur in thirteen jubilees
hereafter, that two parties contradictorily contending in judgment be
equally satisfied and well pleased with the definitive sentence. As for
the counsellors and other doctors in the law that were there present, they
were all so ravished with admiration at the more than human wisdom of
Pantagruel, which they did most clearly perceive to be in him by his so
accurate decision of this so difficult and thorny cause, that their spirits
with the extremity of the rapture being elevated above the pitch of
actuating the organs of the body, they fell into a trance and sudden
ecstasy, wherein they stayed for the space of three long hours, and had
been so as yet in that condition had not some good people fetched store of
vinegar and rose-water to bring them again unto their former sense and
understanding, for the which God be praised everywhere. And so be it.



Chapter 2. XIV.

How Panurge related the manner how he escaped out of the hands of the
Turks.

The great wit and judgment of Pantagruel was immediately after this made
known unto all the world by setting forth his praises in print, and putting
upon record this late wonderful proof he hath given thereof amongst the
rolls of the crown and registers of the palace, in such sort that everybody
began to say that Solomon, who by a probable guess only, without any
further certainty, caused the child to be delivered to its own mother,
showed never in his time such a masterpiece of wisdom as the good
Pantagruel hath done. Happy are we, therefore, that have him in our
country. And indeed they would have made him thereupon master of the
requests and president in the court; but he refused all, very graciously
thanking them for their offer. For, said he, there is too much slavery in
these offices, and very hardly can they be saved that do exercise them,
considering the great corruption that is amongst men. Which makes me
believe, if the empty seats of angels be not filled with other kind of
people than those, we shall not have the final judgment these seven
thousand, sixty and seven jubilees yet to come, and so Cusanus will be
deceived in his conjecture. Remember that I have told you of it, and given
you fair advertisement in time and place convenient.

But if you have any hogsheads of good wine, I willingly will accept of a
present of that. Which they very heartily did do, in sending him of the
best that was in the city, and he drank reasonably well, but poor Panurge
bibbed and boused of it most villainously, for he was as dry as a
red-herring, as lean as a rake, and, like a poor, lank, slender cat, walked
gingerly as if he had trod upon eggs. So that by someone being admonished,
in the midst of his draught of a large deep bowl full of excellent claret
with these words--Fair and softly, gossip, you suck up as if you were mad
--I give thee to the devil, said he; thou hast not found here thy little
tippling sippers of Paris, that drink no more than the little bird called a
spink or chaffinch, and never take in their beakful of liquor till they be
bobbed on the tails after the manner of the sparrows. O companion! if I
could mount up as well as I can get down, I had been long ere this above
the sphere of the moon with Empedocles. But I cannot tell what a devil
this means. This wine is so good and delicious, that the more I drink
thereof the more I am athirst. I believe that the shadow of my master
Pantagruel engendereth the altered and thirsty men, as the moon doth the
catarrhs and defluxions. At which word the company began to laugh, which
Pantagruel perceiving, said, Panurge, what is that which moves you to laugh
so? Sir, said he, I was telling them that these devilish Turks are very
unhappy in that they never drink one drop of wine, and that though there
were no other harm in all Mahomet's Alcoran, yet for this one base point of
abstinence from wine which therein is commanded, I would not submit myself
unto their law. But now tell me, said Pantagruel, how you escaped out of
their hands. By G--, sir, said Panurge, I will not lie to you in one word.

The rascally Turks had broached me upon a spit all larded like a rabbit,
for I was so dry and meagre that otherwise of my flesh they would have made
but very bad meat, and in this manner began to roast me alive. As they
were thus roasting me, I recommended myself unto the divine grace, having
in my mind the good St. Lawrence, and always hoped in God that he would
deliver me out of this torment. Which came to pass, and that very
strangely. For as I did commit myself with all my heart unto God, crying,
Lord God, help me! Lord God, save me! Lord God, take me out of this pain
and hellish torture, wherein these traitorous dogs detain me for my
sincerity in the maintenance of thy law! The roaster or turnspit fell
asleep by the divine will, or else by the virtue of some good Mercury, who
cunningly brought Argus into a sleep for all his hundred eyes. When I saw
that he did no longer turn me in roasting, I looked upon him, and perceived
that he was fast asleep. Then took I up in my teeth a firebrand by the end
where it was not burnt, and cast it into the lap of my roaster, and another
did I throw as well as I could under a field-couch that was placed near to
the chimney, wherein was the straw-bed of my master turnspit. Presently
the fire took hold in the straw, and from the straw to the bed, and from
the bed to the loft, which was planked and ceiled with fir, after the
fashion of the foot of a lamp. But the best was, that the fire which I had
cast into the lap of my paltry roaster burnt all his groin, and was
beginning to cease (seize) upon his cullions, when he became sensible of
the danger, for his smelling was not so bad but that he felt it sooner than
he could have seen daylight. Then suddenly getting up, and in a great
amazement running to the window, he cried out to the streets as high as he
could, Dal baroth, dal baroth, dal baroth, which is as much to say as Fire,
fire, fire. Incontinently turning about, he came straight towards me to
throw me quite into the fire, and to that effect had already cut the ropes
wherewith my hands were tied, and was undoing the cords from off my feet,
when the master of the house hearing him cry Fire, and smelling the smoke
from the very street where he was walking with some other Bashaws and
Mustaphas, ran with all the speed he had to save what he could, and to
carry away his jewels. Yet such was his rage, before he could well resolve
how to go about it, that he caught the broach whereon I was spitted and
therewith killed my roaster stark dead, of which wound he died there for
want of government or otherwise; for he ran him in with the spit a little
above the navel, towards the right flank, till he pierced the third lappet
of his liver, and the blow slanting upwards from the midriff or diaphragm,
through which it had made penetration, the spit passed athwart the
pericardium or capsule of his heart, and came out above at his shoulders,
betwixt the spondyls or turning joints of the chine of the back and the
left homoplat, which we call the shoulder-blade.
True it is, for I will not lie, that, in drawing the spit out of my body I
fell to the ground near unto the andirons, and so by the fall took some
hurt, which indeed had been greater, but that the lardons, or little slices
of bacon wherewith I was stuck, kept off the blow. My Bashaw then seeing
the case to be desperate, his house burnt without remission, and all his
goods lost, gave himself over unto all the devils in hell, calling upon
some of them by their names, Grilgoth, Astaroth, Rappalus, and Gribouillis,
nine several times. Which when I saw, I had above sixpence' worth of fear,
dreading that the devils would come even then to carry away this fool, and,
seeing me so near him, would perhaps snatch me up to. I am already,
thought I, half roasted, and my lardons will be the cause of my mischief;
for these devils are very liquorous of lardons, according to the authority
which you have of the philosopher Jamblicus, and Murmault, in the Apology
of Bossutis, adulterated pro magistros nostros. But for my better security
I made the sign of the cross, crying, Hageos, athanatos, ho theos, and none
came. At which my rogue Bashaw being very much aggrieved would, in
transpiercing his heart with my spit, have killed himself, and to that
purpose had set it against his breast, but it could not enter, because it
was not sharp enough. Whereupon I perceiving that he was not like to work
upon his body the effect which he intended, although he did not spare all
the force he had to thrust it forward, came up to him and said, Master
Bugrino, thou dost here but trifle away thy time, or rashly lose it, for
thou wilt never kill thyself thus as thou doest. Well, thou mayst hurt or
bruise somewhat within thee, so as to make thee languish all thy lifetime
most pitifully amongst the hands of the chirurgeons; but if thou wilt be
counselled by me, I will kill thee clear outright, so that thou shalt not
so much as feel it, and trust me, for I have killed a great many others,
who have found themselves very well after it. Ha, my friend, said he, I
prithee do so, and for thy pains I will give thee my codpiece (budget);
take, here it is, there are six hundred seraphs in it, and some fine
diamonds and most excellent rubies. And where are they? said Epistemon.
By St. John, said Panurge, they are a good way hence, if they always keep
going. But where is the last year's snow? This was the greatest care that
Villon the Parisian poet took. Make an end, said Pantagruel, that we may
know how thou didst dress thy Bashaw. By the faith of an honest man, said
Panurge, I do not lie in one word. I swaddled him in a scurvy
swathel-binding which I found lying there half burnt, and with my cords tied
him roister-like both hand and foot, in such sort that he was not able to
wince; then passed my spit through his throat, and hanged him thereon,
fastening the end thereof at two great hooks or crampirons, upon which they
did hang their halberds; and then, kindling a fair fire under him, did flame
you up my Milourt, as they use to do dry herrings in a chimney. With this,
taking his budget and a little javelin that was upon the foresaid hooks, I
ran away a fair gallop-rake, and God he knows how I did smell my shoulder of
mutton.

When I was come down into the street, I found everybody come to put out the
fire with store of water, and seeing me so half-roasted, they did naturally
pity my case, and threw all their water upon me, which, by a most joyful
refreshing of me, did me very much good. Then did they present me with
some victuals, but I could not eat much, because they gave me nothing to
drink but water after their fashion. Other hurt they did me none, only one
little villainous Turkey knobbreasted rogue came thiefteously to snatch
away some of my lardons, but I gave him such a sturdy thump and sound rap
on the fingers with all the weight of my javelin, that he came no more the
second time. Shortly after this there came towards me a pretty young
Corinthian wench, who brought me a boxful of conserves, of round Mirabolan
plums, called emblicks, and looked upon my poor robin with an eye of great
compassion, as it was flea-bitten and pinked with the sparkles of the fire
from whence it came, for it reached no farther in length, believe me, than
my knees. But note that this roasting cured me entirely of a sciatica,
whereunto I had been subject above seven years before, upon that side which
my roaster by falling asleep suffered to be burnt.

Now, whilst they were thus busy about me, the fire triumphed, never ask
how? For it took hold on above two thousand houses, which one of them
espying cried out, saying, By Mahoom's belly, all the city is on fire, and
we do nevertheless stand gazing here, without offering to make any relief.
Upon this everyone ran to save his own; for my part, I took my way towards
the gate. When I was got upon the knap of a little hillock not far off, I
turned me about as did Lot's wife, and, looking back, saw all the city
burning in a fair fire, whereat I was so glad that I had almost beshit
myself for joy. But God punished me well for it. How? said Pantagruel.
Thus, said Panurge; for when with pleasure I beheld this jolly fire,
jesting with myself, and saying--Ha! poor flies, ha! poor mice, you will
have a bad winter of it this year; the fire is in your reeks, it is in your
bed-straw--out come more than six, yea, more than thirteen hundred and
eleven dogs, great and small, altogether out of the town, flying away from
the fire. At the first approach they ran all upon me, being carried on by
the scent of my lecherous half-roasted flesh, and had even then devoured me
in a trice, if my good angel had not well inspired me with the instruction
of a remedy very sovereign against the toothache. And wherefore, said
Pantagruel, wert thou afraid of the toothache or pain of the teeth? Wert
thou not cured of thy rheums? By Palm Sunday, said Panurge, is there any
greater pain of the teeth than when the dogs have you by the legs? But on
a sudden, as my good angel directed me, I thought upon my lardons, and
threw them into the midst of the field amongst them. Then did the dogs
run, and fight with one another at fair teeth which should have the
lardons. By this means they left me, and I left them also bustling with
and hairing one another. Thus did I escape frolic and lively, gramercy
roastmeat and cookery.



Chapter 2. XV.

How Panurge showed a very new way to build the walls of Paris.

Pantagruel one day, to refresh himself of his study, went a-walking towards
St. Marcel's suburbs, to see the extravagancy of the Gobeline building, and
to taste of their spiced bread. Panurge was with him, having always a
flagon under his gown and a good slice of a gammon of bacon; for without
this he never went, saying that it was as a yeoman of the guard to him, to
preserve his body from harm. Other sword carried he none; and, when
Pantagruel would have given him one, he answered that he needed none, for
that it would but heat his milt. Yea but, said Epistemon, if thou shouldst
be set upon, how wouldst thou defend thyself? With great buskinades or
brodkin blows, answered he, provided thrusts were forbidden. At their
return, Panurge considered the walls of the city of Paris, and in derision
said to Pantagruel, See what fair walls here are! O how strong they are,
and well fitted to keep geese in a mew or coop to fatten them! By my
beard, they are competently scurvy for such a city as this is; for a cow
with one fart would go near to overthrow above six fathoms of them. O my
friend, said Pantagruel, dost thou know what Agesilaus said when he was
asked why the great city of Lacedaemon was not enclosed with walls? Lo
here, said he, the walls of the city! in showing them the inhabitants and
citizens thereof, so strong, so well armed, and so expert in military
discipline; signifying thereby that there is no wall but of bones, and that
towns and cities cannot have a surer wall nor better fortification than the
prowess and virtue of the citizens and inhabitants. So is this city so
strong, by the great number of warlike people that are in it, that they
care not for making any other walls. Besides, whosoever would go about to
wall it, as Strasbourg, Orleans, or Ferrara, would find it almost
impossible, the cost and charges would be so excessive. Yea but, said
Panurge, it is good, nevertheless, to have an outside of stone when we are
invaded by our enemies, were it but to ask, Who is below there? As for the
enormous expense which you say would be needful for undertaking the great
work of walling this city about, if the gentlemen of the town will be
pleased to give me a good rough cup of wine, I will show them a pretty,
strange, and new way, how they may build them good cheap. How? said
Pantagruel. Do not speak of it then, answered Panurge, and I will tell it
you. I see that the sine quo nons, kallibistris, or contrapunctums of the
women of this country are better cheap than stones. Of them should the
walls be built, ranging them in good symmetry by the rules of architecture,
and placing the largest in the first ranks, then sloping downwards
ridge-wise, like the back of an ass. The middle-sized ones must be ranked
next, and last of all the least and smallest. This done, there must be a
fine little interlacing of them, like points of diamonds, as is to be seen
in the great tower of Bourges, with a like number of the nudinnudos,
nilnisistandos, and stiff bracmards, that dwell in amongst the claustral
codpieces. What devil were able to overthrow such walls? There is no metal
like it to resist blows, in so far that, if culverin-shot should come to
graze upon it, you would incontinently see distil from thence the blessed
fruit of the great pox as small as rain. Beware, in the name of the devils,
and hold off. Furthermore, no thunderbolt or lightning would fall upon it.
For why? They are all either blest or consecrated. I see but one
inconveniency in it. Ho, ho, ha, ha, ha! said Pantagruel, and what is that?
It is, that the flies would be so liquorish of them that you would wonder,
and would quickly gather there together, and there leave their ordure and
excretions, and so all the work would be spoiled. But see how that might be
remedied: they must be wiped and made rid of the flies with fair foxtails,
or great good viedazes, which are ass-pizzles, of Provence. And to this
purpose I will tell you, as we go to supper, a brave example set down by
Frater Lubinus, Libro de compotationibus mendicantium.

In the time that the beasts did speak, which is not yet three days since, a
poor lion, walking through the forest of Bieure, and saying his own little
private devotions, passed under a tree where there was a roguish collier
gotten up to cut down wood, who, seeing the lion, cast his hatchet at him
and wounded him enormously in one of his legs; whereupon the lion halting,
he so long toiled and turmoiled himself in roaming up and down the forest
to find help, that at last he met with a carpenter, who willingly looked
upon his wound, cleansed it as well as he could, and filled it with moss,
telling him that he must wipe his wound well that the flies might not do
their excrements in it, whilst he should go search for some yarrow or
millefoil, commonly called the carpenter's herb. The lion, being thus
healed, walked along in the forest at what time a sempiternous crone and
old hag was picking up and gathering some sticks in the said forest, who,
seeing the lion coming towards her, for fear fell down backwards, in such
sort that the wind blew up her gown, coats, and smock, even as far as above
her shoulders; which the lion perceiving, for pity ran to see whether she
had taken any hurt by the fall, and thereupon considering her how do you
call it, said, O poor woman, who hath thus wounded thee? Which words when
he had spoken, he espied a fox, whom he called to come to him saying,
Gossip Reynard, hau, hither, hither, and for cause! When the fox was come,
he said unto him, My gossip and friend, they have hurt this good woman here
between the legs most villainously, and there is a manifest solution of
continuity. See how great a wound it is, even from the tail up to the
navel, in measure four, nay full five handfuls and a half. This is the
blow of a hatchet, I doubt me; it is an old wound, and therefore, that the
flies may not get into it, wipe it lustily well and hard, I prithee, both
within and without; thou hast a good tail, and long. Wipe, my friend,
wipe, I beseech thee, and in the meanwhile I will go get some moss to put
into it; for thus ought we to succour and help one another. Wipe it hard,
thus, my friend; wipe it well, for this wound must be often wiped,
otherwise the party cannot be at ease. Go to, wipe well, my little gossip,
wipe; God hath furnished thee with a tail; thou hast a long one, and of a
bigness proportionable; wipe hard, and be not weary. A good wiper, who, in
wiping continually, wipeth with his wipard, by wasps shall never be
wounded. Wipe, my pretty minion; wipe, my little bully; I will not stay
long. Then went he to get store of moss; and when he was a little way off,
he cried out in speaking to the fox thus, Wipe well still, gossip, wipe,
and let it never grieve thee to wipe well, my little gossip; I will put
thee into service to be wiper to Don Pedro de Castile; wipe, only wipe, and
no more. The poor fox wiped as hard as he could, here and there, within
and without; but the false old trot did so fizzle and fist that she stunk
like a hundred devils, which put the poor fox to a great deal of ill ease,
for he knew not to what side to turn himself to escape the unsavoury
perfume of this old woman's postern blasts. And whilst to that effect he
was shifting hither and thither, without knowing how to shun the annoyance
of those unwholesome gusts, he saw that behind there was yet another hole,
not so great as that which he did wipe, out of which came this filthy and
infectious air. The lion at last returned, bringing with him of moss more
than eighteen packs would hold, and began to put into the wound with a
staff which he had provided for that purpose, and had already put in full
sixteen packs and a half, at which he was amazed. What a devil! said he,
this wound is very deep; it would hold above two cartloads of moss. The
fox, perceiving this, said unto the lion, O gossip lion, my friend, I pray
thee do not put in all thy moss there; keep somewhat, for there is yet here
another little hole, that stinks like five hundred devils; I am almost
choked with the smell thereof, it is so pestiferous and empoisoning.

Thus must these walls be kept from the flies, and wages allowed to some for
wiping of them. Then said Pantagruel, How dost thou know that the privy
parts of women are at such a cheap rate? For in this city there are many
virtuous, honest, and chaste women besides the maids. Et ubi prenus? said
Panurge. I will give you my opinion of it, and that upon certain and
assured knowledge. I do not brag that I have bumbasted four hundred and
seventeen since I came into this city, though it be but nine days ago; but
this very morning I met with a good fellow, who, in a wallet such as
Aesop's was, carried two little girls of two or three years old at the
most, one before and the other behind. He demanded alms of me, but I made
him answer that I had more cods than pence. Afterwards I asked him, Good
man, these two girls, are they maids? Brother, said he, I have carried
them thus these two years, and in regard of her that is before, whom I see
continually, in my opinion she is a virgin, nevertheless I will not put my
finger in the fire for it; as for her that is behind, doubtless I can say
nothing.

Indeed, said Pantagruel, thou art a gentle companion; I will have thee to
be apparelled in my livery. And therefore caused him to be clothed most
gallantly according to the fashion that then was, only that Panurge would
have the codpiece of his breeches three foot long, and in shape square, not
round; which was done, and was well worth the seeing. Oftentimes was he
wont to say, that the world had not yet known the emolument and utility
that is in wearing great codpieces; but time would one day teach it them,
as all things have been invented in time. God keep from hurt, said he, the
good fellow whose long codpiece or braguet hath saved his life! God keep
from hurt him whose long braguet hath been worth to him in one day one
hundred threescore thousand and nine crowns! God keep from hurt him who by
his long braguet hath saved a whole city from dying by famine! And, by G-,
I will make a book of the commodity of long braguets when I shall have more
leisure. And indeed he composed a fair great book with figures, but it is
not printed as yet that I know of.



Chapter 2. XVI.

Of the qualities and conditions of Panurge.

Panurge was of a middle stature, not too high nor too low, and had somewhat
an aquiline nose, made like the handle of a razor. He was at that time
five and thirty years old or thereabouts, fine to gild like a leaden
dagger--for he was a notable cheater and coney-catcher--he was a very
gallant and proper man of his person, only that he was a little lecherous,
and naturally subject to a kind of disease which at that time they called
lack of money--it is an incomparable grief, yet, notwithstanding, he had
three score and three tricks to come by it at his need, of which the most
honourable and most ordinary was in manner of thieving, secret purloining
and filching, for he was a wicked lewd rogue, a cozener, drinker, roister,
rover, and a very dissolute and debauched fellow, if there were any in
Paris; otherwise, and in all matters else, the best and most virtuous man
in the world; and he was still contriving some plot, and devising mischief
against the sergeants and the watch.

At one time he assembled three or four especial good hacksters and roaring
boys, made them in the evening drink like Templars, afterwards led them
till they came under St. Genevieve, or about the college of Navarre, and,
at the hour that the watch was coming up that way--which he knew by putting
his sword upon the pavement, and his ear by it, and, when he heard his
sword shake, it was an infallible sign that the watch was near at that
instant--then he and his companions took a tumbrel or dung-cart, and gave
it the brangle, hurling it with all their force down the hill, and so
overthrew all the poor watchmen like pigs, and then ran away upon the other
side; for in less than two days he knew all the streets, lanes, and
turnings in Paris as well as his Deus det.

At another time he made in some fair place, where the said watch was to
pass, a train of gunpowder, and, at the very instant that they went along,
set fire to it, and then made himself sport to see what good grace they had
in running away, thinking that St. Anthony's fire had caught them by the
legs. As for the poor masters of arts, he did persecute them above all
others. When he encountered with any of them upon the street, he would not
never fail to put some trick or other upon them, sometimes putting the bit
of a fried turd in their graduate hoods, at other times pinning on little
foxtails or hares'-ears behind them, or some such other roguish prank. One
day that they were appointed all to meet in the Fodder Street (Sorbonne),
he made a Borbonesa tart, or filthy and slovenly compound, made of store of
garlic, of assafoetida, of castoreum, of dogs' turds very warm, which he
steeped, tempered, and liquefied in the corrupt matter of pocky boils and
pestiferous botches; and, very early in the morning therewith anointed all
the pavement, in such sort that the devil could not have endured it, which
made all these good people there to lay up their gorges, and vomit what was
upon their stomachs before all the world, as if they had flayed the fox;
and ten or twelve of them died of the plague, fourteen became lepers,
eighteen grew lousy, and about seven and twenty had the pox, but he did not
care a button for it. He commonly carried a whip under his gown, wherewith
he whipped without remission the pages whom he found carrying wine to their
masters, to make them mend their pace. In his coat he had above six and
twenty little fobs and pockets always full; one with some lead-water, and a
little knife as sharp as a glover's needle, wherewith he used to cut
purses; another with some kind of bitter stuff, which he threw into the
eyes of those he met; another with clotburrs, penned with little geese' or
capon's feathers, which he cast upon the gowns and caps of honest people,
and often made them fair horns, which they wore about all the city,
sometimes all their life. Very often, also, upon the women's French hoods
would he stick in the hind part somewhat made in the shape of a man's
member. In another, he had a great many little horns full of fleas and
lice, which he borrowed from the beggars of St. Innocent, and cast them
with small canes or quills to write with into the necks of the daintiest
gentlewomen that he could find, yea, even in the church, for he never
seated himself above in the choir, but always sat in the body of the church
amongst the women, both at mass, at vespers, and at sermon. In another, he
used to have good store of hooks and buckles, wherewith he would couple men
and women together that sat in company close to one another, but especially
those that wore gowns of crimson taffeties, that, when they were about to
go away, they might rend all their gowns. In another, he had a squib
furnished with tinder, matches, stones to strike fire, and all other
tackling necessary for it. In another, two or three burning glasses,
wherewith he made both men and women sometimes mad, and in the church put
them quite out of countenance; for he said that there was but an
antistrophe, or little more difference than of a literal inversion, between
a woman folle a la messe and molle a la fesse, that is, foolish at the mass
and of a pliant buttock.

In another, he had a good deal of needles and thread, wherewith he did a
thousand little devilish pranks. One time, at the entry of the palace unto
the great hall, where a certain grey friar or cordelier was to say mass to
the counsellors, he did help to apparel him and put on his vestments, but
in the accoutring of him he sewed on his alb, surplice, or stole, to his
gown and shirt, and then withdrew himself when the said lords of the court
or counsellors came to hear the said mass; but when it came to the Ite,
missa est, that the poor frater would have laid by his stole or surplice,
as the fashion then was, he plucked off withal both his frock and shirt,
which were well sewed together, and thereby stripping himself up to the
very shoulders showed his bel vedere to all the world, together with his
Don Cypriano, which was no small one, as you may imagine. And the friar
still kept haling, but so much the more did he discover himself and lay
open his back parts, till one of the lords of the court said, How now!
what's the matter? Will this fair father make us here an offering of his
tail to kiss it? Nay, St. Anthony's fire kiss it for us! From thenceforth
it was ordained that the poor fathers should never disrobe themselves any
more before the world, but in their vestry-room, or sextry, as they call
it; especially in the presence of women, lest it should tempt them to the
sin of longing and disordinate desire. The people then asked why it was
the friars had so long and large genitories? The said Panurge resolved the
problem very neatly, saying, That which makes asses to have such great ears
is that their dams did put no biggins on their heads, as Alliaco mentioneth
in his Suppositions. By the like reason, that which makes the genitories
or generation-tools of those so fair fraters so long is, for that they wear
no bottomed breeches, and therefore their jolly member, having no
impediment, hangeth dangling at liberty as far as it can reach, with a
wiggle-waggle down to their knees, as women carry their paternoster beads.
and the cause wherefore they have it so correspondently great is, that in
this constant wig-wagging the humours of the body descend into the said
member. For, according to the Legists, agitation and continual motion is
cause of attraction.

Item, he had another pocket full of itching powder, called stone-alum,
whereof he would cast some into the backs of those women whom he judged to
be most beautiful and stately, which did so ticklishly gall them, that some
would strip themselves in the open view of the world, and others dance like
a cock upon hot embers, or a drumstick on a tabor. Others, again, ran
about the streets, and he would run after them. To such as were in the
stripping vein he would very civilly come to offer his attendance, and
cover them with his cloak, like a courteous and very gracious man.

Item, in another he had a little leather bottle full of old oil, wherewith,
when he saw any man or woman in a rich new handsome suit, he would grease,
smutch, and spoil all the best parts of it under colour and pretence of
touching them, saying, This is good cloth; this is good satin; good
taffeties! Madam, God give you all that your noble heart desireth! You
have a new suit, pretty sir;--and you a new gown, sweet mistress;--God give
you joy of it, and maintain you in all prosperity! And with this would lay
his hand upon their shoulder, at which touch such a villainous spot was
left behind, so enormously engraven to perpetuity in the very soul, body,
and reputation, that the devil himself could never have taken it away.
Then, upon his departing, he would say, Madam, take heed you do not fall,
for there is a filthy great hole before you, whereinto if you put your
foot, you will quite spoil yourself.

Another he had all full of euphorbium, very finely pulverized. In that
powder did he lay a fair handkerchief curiously wrought, which he had
stolen from a pretty seamstress of the palace, in taking away a louse from
off her bosom which he had put there himself, and, when he came into the
company of some good ladies, he would trifle them into a discourse of some
fine workmanship of bone-lace, then immediately put his hand into their
bosom, asking them, And this work, is it of Flanders, or of Hainault? and
then drew out his handkerchief, and said, Hold, hold, look what work here
is, it is of Foutignan or of Fontarabia, and shaking it hard at their nose,
made them sneeze for four hours without ceasing. In the meanwhile he would
fart like a horse, and the women would laugh and say, How now, do you fart,
Panurge? No, no, madam, said he, I do but tune my tail to the plain song
of the music which you make with your nose. In another he had a picklock,
a pelican, a crampiron, a crook, and some other iron tools, wherewith there
was no door nor coffer which he would not pick open. He had another full
of little cups, wherewith he played very artificially, for he had his
fingers made to his hand, like those of Minerva or Arachne, and had
heretofore cried treacle. And when he changed a teston, cardecu, or any
other piece of money, the changer had been more subtle than a fox if
Panurge had not at every time made five or six sols (that is, some six or
seven pence,) vanish away invisibly, openly, and manifestly, without making
any hurt or lesion, whereof the changer should have felt nothing but the
wind.



Chapter 2. XVII.

How Panurge gained the pardons, and married the old women, and of the suit
in law which he had at Paris.

One day I found Panurge very much out of countenance, melancholic, and
silent; which made me suspect that he had no money; whereupon I said unto
him, Panurge, you are sick, as I do very well perceive by your physiognomy,
and I know the disease. You have a flux in your purse; but take no care.
I have yet sevenpence halfpenny that never saw father nor mother, which
shall not be wanting, no more than the pox, in your necessity. Whereunto
he answered me, Well, well; for money one day I shall have but too much,
for I have a philosopher's stone which attracts money out of men's purses
as the adamant doth iron. But will you go with me to gain the pardons?
said he. By my faith, said I, I am no great pardon-taker in this world--if
I shall be any such in the other, I cannot tell; yet let us go, in God's
name; it is but one farthing more or less; But, said he, lend me then a
farthing upon interest. No, no, said I; I will give it you freely, and
from my heart. Grates vobis dominos, said he.

So we went along, beginning at St. Gervase, and I got the pardons at the
first box only, for in those matters very little contenteth me. Then did I
say my small suffrages and the prayers of St. Brigid; but he gained them
all at the boxes, and always gave money to everyone of the pardoners. From
thence we went to Our Lady's Church, to St. John's, to St. Anthony's, and
so to the other churches, where there was a banquet (bank) of pardons. For
my part, I gained no more of them, but he at all the boxes kissed the
relics, and gave at everyone. To be brief, when we were returned, he
brought me to drink at the castle-tavern, and there showed me ten or twelve
of his little bags full of money, at which I blessed myself, and made the
sign of the cross, saying, Where have you recovered so much money in so
little time? Unto which he answered me that he had taken it out of the
basins of the pardons. For in giving them the first farthing, said he, I
put it in with such sleight of hand and so dexterously that it appeared to
be a threepence; thus with one hand I took threepence, ninepence, or
sixpence at the least, and with the other as much, and so through all the
churches where we have been. Yea but, said I, you damn yourself like a
snake, and are withal a thief and sacrilegious person. True, said he, in
your opinion, but I am not of that mind; for the pardoners do give me it,
when they say unto me in presenting the relics to kiss, Centuplum accipies,
that is, that for one penny I should take a hundred; for accipies is spoken
according to the manner of the Hebrews, who use the future tense instead of
the imperative, as you have in the law, Diliges Dominum, that is, Dilige.
Even so, when the pardon-bearer says to me, Centuplum accipies, his meaning
is, Centuplum accipe; and so doth Rabbi Kimy and Rabbi Aben Ezra expound
it, and all the Massorets, et ibi Bartholus. Moreover, Pope Sixtus gave me
fifteen hundred francs of yearly pension, which in English money is a
hundred and fifty pounds, upon his ecclesiastical revenues and treasure,
for having cured him of a cankerous botch, which did so torment him that he
thought to have been a cripple by it all his life. Thus I do pay myself at
my own hand, for otherwise I get nothing upon the said ecclesiastical
treasure. Ho, my friend! said he, if thou didst know what advantage I
made, and how well I feathered my nest, by the Pope's bull of the crusade,
thou wouldst wonder exceedingly. It was worth to me above six thousand
florins, in English coin six hundred pounds. And what a devil is become of
them? said I; for of that money thou hast not one halfpenny. They returned
from whence they came, said he; they did no more but change their master.

But I employed at least three thousand of them, that is, three hundred
pounds English, in marrying--not young virgins, for they find but too many
husbands--but great old sempiternous trots which had not so much as one
tooth in their heads; and that out of the consideration I had that these
good old women had very well spent the time of their youth in playing at
the close-buttock game to all comers, serving the foremost first, till no
man would have any more dealing with them. And, by G--, I will have their
skin-coat shaken once yet before they die.