No More Learning

All I
had was nine roubles, I had to give seven of that to my servant,
Apollon, for his monthly wages. That was all I paid him--he had to
keep himself.

Not to pay him was impossible, considering his character. But I will
talk about that fellow, about that plague of mine, another time.

However, I knew I should go and should not pay him his wages.

That night I had the most hideous dreams. No wonder; all the evening I
had been oppressed by memories of my miserable days at school, and I
could not shake them off. I was sent to the school by distant
relations, upon whom I was dependent and of whom I have heard nothing
since--they sent me there a forlorn, silent boy, already crushed by
their reproaches, already troubled by doubt, and looking with savage
distrust at everyone. My schoolfellows met me with spiteful and
merciless jibes because I was not like any of them. But I could not
endure their taunts; I could not give in to them with the ignoble
readiness with which they gave in to one another. I hated them from
the first, and shut myself away from everyone in timid, wounded and
disproportionate pride. Their coarseness revolted me. They laughed
cynically at my face, at my clumsy figure; and yet what stupid faces
they had themselves. In our school the boys' faces seemed in a special
way to degenerate and grow stupider. How many fine-looking boys came
to us! In a few years they became repulsive. Even at sixteen I
wondered at them morosely; even then I was struck by the pettiness of
their thoughts, the stupidity of their pursuits, their games, their
conversations. They had no understanding of such essential things,
they took no interest in such striking, impressive subjects, that I
could not help considering them inferior to myself. It was not wounded
vanity that drove me to it, and for God's sake do not thrust upon me
your hackneyed remarks, repeated to nausea, that "I was only a
dreamer," while they even then had an understanding of life. They
understood nothing, they had no idea of real life, and I swear that
that was what made me most indignant with them. On the contrary, the
most obvious, striking reality they accepted with fantastic stupidity
and even at that time were accustomed to respect success. Everything
that was just, but oppressed and looked down upon, they laughed at
heartlessly and shamefully. They took rank for intelligence; even at
sixteen they were already talking about a snug berth. Of course, a
great deal of it was due to their stupidity, to the bad examples with
which they had always been surrounded in their childhood and boyhood.
They were monstrously depraved. Of course a great deal of that, too,
was superficial and an assumption of cynicism; of course there were
glimpses of youth and freshness even in their depravity; but even that
freshness was not attractive, and showed itself in a certain
rakishness. I hated them horribly, though perhaps I was worse than any
of them. They repaid me in the same way, and did not conceal their
aversion for me. But by then I did not desire their affection: on the
contrary, I continually longed for their humiliation. To escape from
their derision I purposely began to make all the progress I could with
my studies and forced my way to the very top. This impressed them.
Moreover, they all began by degrees to grasp that I had already read
books none of them could read, and understood things (not forming part
of our school curriculum) of which they had not even heard. They took
a savage and sarcastic view of it, but were morally impressed,
especially as the teachers began to notice me on those grounds. The
mockery ceased, but the hostility remained, and cold and strained
relations became permanent between us. In the end I could not put up
with it: with years a craving for society, for friends, developed in
me. I attempted to get on friendly terms with some of my schoolfellows;
but somehow or other my intimacy with them was always strained and soon
ended of itself. Once, indeed, I did have a friend. But I was already
a tyrant at heart; I wanted to exercise unbounded sway over him; I
tried to instil into him a contempt for his surroundings; I required of
him a disdainful and complete break with those surroundings. I
frightened him with my passionate affection; I reduced him to tears, to
hysterics. He was a simple and devoted soul; but when he devoted
himself to me entirely I began to hate him immediately and repulsed
him--as though all I needed him for was to win a victory over him, to
subjugate him and nothing else. But I could not subjugate all of them;
my friend was not at all like them either, he was, in fact, a rare
exception. The first thing I did on leaving school was to give up the
special job for which I had been destined so as to break all ties, to
curse my past and shake the dust from off my feet. . . . And goodness
knows why, after all that, I should go trudging off to Simonov's!

Early next morning I roused myself and jumped out of bed with
excitement, as though it were all about to happen at once. But I
believed that some radical change in my life was coming, and would
inevitably come that day. Owing to its rarity, perhaps, any external
event, however trivial, always made me feel as though some radical
change in my life were at hand. I went to the office, however, as
usual, but sneaked away home two hours earlier to get ready. The great
thing, I thought, is not to be the first to arrive, or they will think
I am overjoyed at coming. But there were thousands of such great
points to consider, and they all agitated and overwhelmed me. I
polished my boots a second time with my own hands; nothing in the world
would have induced Apollon to clean them twice a day, as he considered
that it was more than his duties required of him. I stole the brushes
to clean them from the passage, being careful he should not detect it,
for fear of his contempt. Then I minutely examined my clothes and
thought that everything looked old, worn and threadbare. I had let
myself get too slovenly. My uniform, perhaps, was tidy, but I could
not go out to dinner in my uniform. The worst of it was that on the
knee of my trousers was a big yellow stain. I had a foreboding that
that stain would deprive me of nine-tenths of my personal dignity. I
knew, too, that it was very poor to think so. "But this is no time for
thinking: now I am in for the real thing," I thought, and my heart
sank. I knew, too, perfectly well even then, that I was monstrously
exaggerating the facts. But how could I help it? I could not control
myself and was already shaking with fever. With despair I pictured to
myself how coldly and disdainfully that "scoundrel" Zverkov would meet
me; with what dull-witted, invincible contempt the blockhead
Trudolyubov would look at me; with what impudent rudeness the insect
Ferfitchkin would snigger at me in order to curry favour with Zverkov;
how completely Simonov would take it all in, and how he would despise
me for the abjectness of my vanity and lack of spirit--and, worst of
all, how paltry, UNLITERARY, commonplace it would all be. Of course,
the best thing would be not to go at all. But that was most impossible
of all: if I feel impelled to do anything, I seem to be pitchforked
into it. I should have jeered at myself ever afterwards: "So you
funked it, you funked it, you funked the REAL THING! " On the contrary,
I passionately longed to show all that "rabble" that I was by no means
such a spiritless creature as I seemed to myself. What is more, even in
the acutest paroxysm of this cowardly fever, I dreamed of getting the
upper hand, of dominating them, carrying them away, making them like
me--if only for my "elevation of thought and unmistakable wit. " They
would abandon Zverkov, he would sit on one side, silent and ashamed,
while I should crush him. Then, perhaps, we would be reconciled and
drink to our everlasting friendship; but what was most bitter and
humiliating for me was that I knew even then, knew fully and for
certain, that I needed nothing of all this really, that I did not
really want to crush, to subdue, to attract them, and that I did not
care a straw really for the result, even if I did achieve it. Oh, how
I prayed for the day to pass quickly! In unutterable anguish I went to
the window, opened the movable pane and looked out into the troubled
darkness of the thickly falling wet snow. At last my wretched little
clock hissed out five. I seized my hat and, trying not to look at
Apollon, who had been all day expecting his month's wages, but in his
foolishness was unwilling to be the first to speak about it, I slipped
between him and the door and, jumping into a high-class sledge, on
which I spent my last half rouble, I drove up in grand style to the
Hotel de Paris.



IV

I had been certain the day before that I should be the first to arrive.
But it was not a question of being the first to arrive. Not only were
they not there, but I had difficulty in finding our room. The table
was not laid even. What did it mean? After a good many questions I
elicited from the waiters that the dinner had been ordered not for
five, but for six o'clock. This was confirmed at the buffet too. I
felt really ashamed to go on questioning them. It was only twenty-five
minutes past five. If they changed the dinner hour they ought at least
to have let me know--that is what the post is for, and not to have put
me in an absurd position in my own eyes and . . . and even before the
waiters. I sat down; the servant began laying the table; I felt even
more humiliated when he was present. Towards six o'clock they brought
in candles, though there were lamps burning in the room. It had not
occurred to the waiter, however, to bring them in at once when I
arrived. In the next room two gloomy, angry-looking persons were
eating their dinners in silence at two different tables. There was a
great deal of noise, even shouting, in a room further away; one could
hear the laughter of a crowd of people, and nasty little shrieks in
French: there were ladies at the dinner. It was sickening, in fact. I
rarely passed more unpleasant moments, so much so that when they did
arrive all together punctually at six I was overjoyed to see them, as
though they were my deliverers, and even forgot that it was incumbent
upon me to show resentment.

Zverkov walked in at the head of them; evidently he was the leading
spirit. He and all of them were laughing; but, seeing me, Zverkov drew
himself up a little, walked up to me deliberately with a slight, rather
jaunty bend from the waist. He shook hands with me in a friendly, but
not over-friendly, fashion, with a sort of circumspect courtesy like
that of a General, as though in giving me his hand he were warding off
something. I had imagined, on the contrary, that on coming in he would
at once break into his habitual thin, shrill laugh and fall to making
his insipid jokes and witticisms. I had been preparing for them ever
since the previous day, but I had not expected such condescension, such
high-official courtesy. So, then, he felt himself ineffably superior
to me in every respect! If he only meant to insult me by that
high-official tone, it would not matter, I thought--I could pay him
back for it one way or another. But what if, in reality, without the
least desire to be offensive, that sheepshead had a notion in earnest
that he was superior to me and could only look at me in a patronising
way? The very supposition made me gasp.

"I was surprised to hear of your desire to join us," he began, lisping
and drawling, which was something new. "You and I seem to have seen
nothing of one another. You fight shy of us. You shouldn't. We are
not such terrible people as you think. Well, anyway, I am glad to
renew our acquaintance. "

And he turned carelessly to put down his hat on the window.

"Have you been waiting long? " Trudolyubov inquired.

"I arrived at five o'clock as you told me yesterday," I answered aloud,
with an irritability that threatened an explosion.

"Didn't you let him know that we had changed the hour? " said
Trudolyubov to Simonov.

"No, I didn't. I forgot," the latter replied, with no sign of regret,
and without even apologising to me he went off to order the HORS
D'OEUVRE.

"So you've been here a whole hour? Oh, poor fellow! " Zverkov cried
ironically, for to his notions this was bound to be extremely funny.
That rascal Ferfitchkin followed with his nasty little snigger like a
puppy yapping. My position struck him, too, as exquisitely ludicrous
and embarrassing.

"It isn't funny at all! " I cried to Ferfitchkin, more and more
irritated. "It wasn't my fault, but other people's. They neglected to
let me know. It was . . . it was . . . it was simply absurd. "

"It's not only absurd, but something else as well," muttered
Trudolyubov, naively taking my part. "You are not hard enough upon it.
It was simply rudeness--unintentional, of course. And how could
Simonov . . . h'm! "

"If a trick like that had been played on me," observed Ferfitchkin, "I
should . . . "

"But you should have ordered something for yourself," Zverkov
interrupted, "or simply asked for dinner without waiting for us. "

"You will allow that I might have done that without your permission," I
rapped out. "If I waited, it was . . . "

"Let us sit down, gentlemen," cried Simonov, coming in. "Everything is
ready; I can answer for the champagne; it is capitally frozen. . . . You
see, I did not know your address, where was I to look for you? " he
suddenly turned to me, but again he seemed to avoid looking at me.
Evidently he had something against me. It must have been what happened
yesterday.

All sat down; I did the same. It was a round table. Trudolyubov was
on my left, Simonov on my right, Zverkov was sitting opposite,
Ferfitchkin next to him, between him and Trudolyubov.

"Tell me, are you . . . in a government office? " Zverkov went on
attending to me. Seeing that I was embarrassed he seriously thought
that he ought to be friendly to me, and, so to speak, cheer me up.

"Does he want me to throw a bottle at his head? " I thought, in a fury.
In my novel surroundings I was unnaturally ready to be irritated.

"In the N---- office," I answered jerkily, with my eyes on my plate.

"And ha-ave you a go-od berth? I say, what ma-a-de you leave your
original job? "

"What ma-a-de me was that I wanted to leave my original job," I drawled
more than he, hardly able to control myself. Ferfitchkin went off into
a guffaw. Simonov looked at me ironically. Trudolyubov left off
eating and began looking at me with curiosity.

Zverkov winced, but he tried not to notice it.

"And the remuneration? "

"What remuneration? "

"I mean, your sa-a-lary? "

"Why are you cross-examining me? " However, I told him at once what my
salary was. I turned horribly red.

"It is not very handsome," Zverkov observed majestically.

"Yes, you can't afford to dine at cafes on that," Ferfitchkin added
insolently.

"To my thinking it's very poor," Trudolyubov observed gravely.

"And how thin you have grown! How you have changed! " added Zverkov,
with a shade of venom in his voice, scanning me and my attire with a
sort of insolent compassion.

"Oh, spare his blushes," cried Ferfitchkin, sniggering.

"My dear sir, allow me to tell you I am not blushing," I broke out at
last; "do you hear? I am dining here, at this cafe, at my own expense,
not at other people's--note that, Mr. Ferfitchkin. "

"Wha-at? Isn't every one here dining at his own expense? You would
seem to be . . .
" Ferfitchkin flew out at me, turning as red as a
lobster, and looking me in the face with fury.

"Tha-at," I answered, feeling I had gone too far, "and I imagine it
would be better to talk of something more intelligent. "

"You intend to show off your intelligence, I suppose? "

"Don't disturb yourself, that would be quite out of place here. "

"Why are you clacking away like that, my good sir, eh? Have you gone
out of your wits in your office? "

"Enough, gentlemen, enough! " Zverkov cried, authoritatively.

"How stupid it is! " muttered Simonov.

"It really is stupid. We have met here, a company of friends, for a
farewell dinner to a comrade and you carry on an altercation," said
Trudolyubov, rudely addressing himself to me alone. "You invited
yourself to join us, so don't disturb the general harmony. "

"Enough, enough! " cried Zverkov. "Give over, gentlemen, it's out of
place. Better let me tell you how I nearly got married the day before
yesterday. . . . "

And then followed a burlesque narrative of how this gentleman had
almost been married two days before. There was not a word about the
marriage, however, but the story was adorned with generals, colonels
and kammer-junkers, while Zverkov almost took the lead among them. It
was greeted with approving laughter; Ferfitchkin positively squealed.

No one paid any attention to me, and I sat crushed and humiliated.

"Good Heavens, these are not the people for me! " I thought. "And what
a fool I have made of myself before them! I let Ferfitchkin go too
far, though. The brutes imagine they are doing me an honour in letting
me sit down with them. They don't understand that it's an honour to
them and not to me! I've grown thinner! My clothes! Oh, damn my
trousers! Zverkov noticed the yellow stain on the knee as soon as he
came in. . . . But what's the use! I must get up at once, this very
minute, take my hat and simply go without a word . . . with contempt!
And tomorrow I can send a challenge. The scoundrels! As though I
cared about the seven roubles. They may think. . . . Damn it! I don't
care about the seven roubles. I'll go this minute! "

Of course I remained. I drank sherry and Lafitte by the glassful in my
discomfiture. Being unaccustomed to it, I was quickly affected. My
annoyance increased as the wine went to my head. I longed all at once
to insult them all in a most flagrant manner and then go away. To
seize the moment and show what I could do, so that they would say,
"He's clever, though he is absurd," and . . . and . . . in fact, damn them
all!

I scanned them all insolently with my drowsy eyes. But they seemed to
have forgotten me altogether. They were noisy, vociferous, cheerful.
Zverkov was talking all the time. I began listening. Zverkov was
talking of some exuberant lady whom he had at last led on to declaring
her love (of course, he was lying like a horse), and how he had been
helped in this affair by an intimate friend of his, a Prince Kolya, an
officer in the hussars, who had three thousand serfs.

"And yet this Kolya, who has three thousand serfs, has not put in an
appearance here tonight to see you off," I cut in suddenly.

For one minute every one was silent. "You are drunk already. "
Trudolyubov deigned to notice me at last, glancing contemptuously in my
direction. Zverkov, without a word, examined me as though I were an
insect. I dropped my eyes. Simonov made haste to fill up the glasses
with champagne.

Trudolyubov raised his glass, as did everyone else but me.

"Your health and good luck on the journey! " he cried to Zverkov. "To
old times, to our future, hurrah! "

They all tossed off their glasses, and crowded round Zverkov to kiss
him. I did not move; my full glass stood untouched before me.

"Why, aren't you going to drink it? " roared Trudolyubov, losing
patience and turning menacingly to me.

"I want to make a speech separately, on my own account . . . and then
I'll drink it, Mr. Trudolyubov. "

"Spiteful brute! " muttered Simonov. I drew myself up in my chair and
feverishly seized my glass, prepared for something extraordinary,
though I did not know myself precisely what I was going to say.

"SILENCE! " cried Ferfitchkin. "Now for a display of wit! "

Zverkov waited very gravely, knowing what was coming.

"Mr. Lieutenant Zverkov," I began, "let me tell you that I hate
phrases, phrasemongers and men in corsets . . . that's the first point,
and there is a second one to follow it. "

There was a general stir.

"The second point is: I hate ribaldry and ribald talkers. Especially
ribald talkers! The third point: I love justice, truth and honesty. "
I went on almost mechanically, for I was beginning to shiver with
horror myself and had no idea how I came to be talking like this. "I
love thought, Monsieur Zverkov; I love true comradeship, on an equal
footing and not . . . H'm . . . I love . . . But, however, why not? I will
drink your health, too, Mr. Zverkov. Seduce the Circassian girls,
shoot the enemies of the fatherland and . . . and . . . to your health,
Monsieur Zverkov! "

Zverkov got up from his seat, bowed to me and said:

"I am very much obliged to you. " He was frightfully offended and
turned pale.

"Damn the fellow! " roared Trudolyubov, bringing his fist down on the
table.

"Well, he wants a punch in the face for that," squealed Ferfitchkin.

"We ought to turn him out," muttered Simonov.

"Not a word, gentlemen, not a movement! " cried Zverkov solemnly,
checking the general indignation. "I thank you all, but I can show him
for myself how much value I attach to his words. "

"Mr. Ferfitchkin, you will give me satisfaction tomorrow for your
words just now! " I said aloud, turning with dignity to Ferfitchkin.

"A duel, you mean? Certainly," he answered. But probably I was so
ridiculous as I challenged him and it was so out of keeping with my
appearance that everyone including Ferfitchkin was prostrate with
laughter.

"Yes, let him alone, of course! He is quite drunk," Trudolyubov said
with disgust.

"I shall never forgive myself for letting him join us," Simonov
muttered again.

"Now is the time to throw a bottle at their heads," I thought to
myself. I picked up the bottle . . . and filled my glass. . . . "No, I'd
better sit on to the end," I went on thinking; "you would be pleased,
my friends, if I went away. Nothing will induce me to go. I'll go on
sitting here and drinking to the end, on purpose, as a sign that I
don't think you of the slightest consequence. I will go on sitting and
drinking, because this is a public-house and I paid my entrance money.
I'll sit here and drink, for I look upon you as so many pawns, as
inanimate pawns. I'll sit here and drink . . . and sing if I want to,
yes, sing, for I have the right to . . . to sing . . . H'm! "

But I did not sing. I simply tried not to look at any of them. I
assumed most unconcerned attitudes and waited with impatience for them
to speak FIRST. But alas, they did not address me! And oh, how I
wished, how I wished at that moment to be reconciled to them! It
struck eight, at last nine. They moved from the table to the sofa.
Zverkov stretched himself on a lounge and put one foot on a round
table. Wine was brought there. He did, as a fact, order three bottles
on his own account. I, of course, was not invited to join them. They
all sat round him on the sofa. They listened to him, almost with
reverence. It was evident that they were fond of him. "What for?
What for? " I wondered. From time to time they were moved to drunken
enthusiasm and kissed each other. They talked of the Caucasus, of the
nature of true passion, of snug berths in the service, of the income of
an hussar called Podharzhevsky, whom none of them knew personally, and
rejoiced in the largeness of it, of the extraordinary grace and beauty
of a Princess D. , whom none of them had ever seen; then it came to
Shakespeare's being immortal.

I smiled contemptuously and walked up and down the other side of the
room, opposite the sofa, from the table to the stove and back again. I
tried my very utmost to show them that I could do without them, and yet
I purposely made a noise with my boots, thumping with my heels. But it
was all in vain. They paid no attention. I had the patience to walk
up and down in front of them from eight o'clock till eleven, in the
same place, from the table to the stove and back again. "I walk up and
down to please myself and no one can prevent me. " The waiter who came
into the room stopped, from time to time, to look at me. I was
somewhat giddy from turning round so often; at moments it seemed to me
that I was in delirium. During those three hours I was three times
soaked with sweat and dry again. At times, with an intense, acute pang
I was stabbed to the heart by the thought that ten years, twenty years,
forty years would pass, and that even in forty years I would remember
with loathing and humiliation those filthiest, most ludicrous, and most
awful moments of my life. No one could have gone out of his way to
degrade himself more shamelessly, and I fully realised it, fully, and
yet I went on pacing up and down from the table to the stove. "Oh, if
you only knew what thoughts and feelings I am capable of, how cultured
I am! " I thought at moments, mentally addressing the sofa on which my
enemies were sitting. But my enemies behaved as though I were not in
the room.