Well then, Demos, say now, who has treated you best, you
and your stomach?
and your stomach?
Aristophanes
Read on!
I am listening; let us first see how we are to pay our
sailors. [119]
SAUSAGE-SELLER. "Son of Aegeus,[120] beware of the tricks of the
dog-fox,[121] he bites from the rear and rushes off at full speed; he is
nothing but cunning and perfidy. " Do you know what the oracle intends to
say?
DEMOS. The dog-fox is Philostratus. [122]
SAUSAGE-SELLER. No, no, 'tis Cleon; he is incessantly asking you for
light vessels to go and collect the tributes, and Apollo advises you not
to grant them.
DEMOS. What connection is there between a galley and a dog-fox?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. What connection? Why, 'tis quite plain--a galley travels
as fast as a dog.
DEMOS. Why, then, does the oracle not say dog instead of dog-fox?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Because he compares the soldiers to young foxes, who,
like them, eat the grapes in the fields.
DEMOS. Good! Well then! how am I to pay the wages of my young foxes?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. I will undertake that, and in three days too! But listen
to this further oracle, by which Apollo puts you on your guard against
the snares of the greedy fist.
DEMOS. Of what greedy fist?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. The god in this oracle very clearly points to the hand of
Cleon, who incessantly holds his out, saying, "Fill it. "
CLEON. 'Tis false! Phoebus means the hand of Diopithes. [123] But here I
have a winged oracle, which promises you shall become an eagle and rule
over all the earth.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. I have one, which says that you shall be King of the
Earth and of the Sea, and that you shall administer justice in Ecbatana,
eating fine rich stews the while.
CLEON. I have seen Athene[124] in a dream, pouring out full vials of
riches and health over the people.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. I too have seen the goddess, descending from the
Acropolis with an owl perched upon her helmet; on your head she was
pouring out ambrosia, on that of Cleon garlic pickle.
DEMOS. Truly Glanis is the wisest of men. I shall yield myself to you;
guide me in my old age and educate me anew.
CLEON. Ah! I adjure you! not yet; wait a little; I will promise to
distribute barley every day.
DEMOS. Ah! I will not hear another word about barley; you have cheated me
too often already, both you and Theophanes. [125]
CLEON. Well then! you shall have flour-cakes all piping hot.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. I will give you cakes too, and nice cooked fish; you will
only have to eat.
DEMOS. Very well, mind you keep your promises. To whichever of you twain
shall treat me best I hand over the reins of state.
CLEON. I will be first.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. No, no, _I_ will.
CHORUS. Demos, you are our all-powerful sovereign lord; all tremble
before you, yet you are led by the nose. You love to be flattered and
fooled; you listen to the orators with gaping mouth and your mind is led
astray.
DEMOS. 'Tis rather you who have no brains, if you think me so foolish as
all that; it is with a purpose that I play this idiot's role, for I love
to drink the lifelong day, and so it pleases me to keep a thief for my
minister. When he has thoroughly gorged himself, then I overthrow and
crush him.
CHORUS. What profound wisdom! If it be really so, why! all is for the
best. Your ministers, then, are your victims, whom you nourish and feed
up expressly in the Pnyx, so that, the day your dinner is ready, you may
immolate the fattest and eat him.
DEMOS. Look, see how I play with them, while all the time they think
themselves such adepts at cheating me. I have my eye on them when they
thieve, but I do not appear to be seeing them; then I thrust a judgment
down their throat as it were a feather, and force them to vomit up all
they have robbed from me.
CLEON. Oh! the rascal!
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Oh! the scoundrel!
CLEON. Demos, all is ready these three hours; I await your orders and I
burn with desire to load you with benefits.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. And I ten, twelve, a thousand hours, a long, long while,
an infinitely long while.
DEMOS. As for me, 'tis thirty thousand hours that I have been impatient;
very long, infinitely long that I have cursed you.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Do you know what you had best do?
DEMOS. If I do not, tell me.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Declare the lists open[126] and we will contend abreast
to determine who shall treat you the best.
DEMOS. Splendid! Draw back in line! [126]
CLEON. I am ready.
DEMOS. Off you go!
SAUSAGE-SELLER (_to Cleon_). I shall not let you get to the tape.
DEMOS. What fervent lovers! If I am not to-day the happiest of men, 'tis
because I shall be the most disgusted.
CLEON. Look! 'tis I who am the first to bring you a seat.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. And I a table.
CLEON. Hold, here is a cake kneaded of Pylos barley. [127]
SAUSAGE--SELLER. Here are crusts, which the ivory hand of the goddess has
hallowed. [128]
DEMOS. Oh! Mighty Athene! How large are your fingers!
CLEON. This is pea-soup, as exquisite as it is fine; 'tis Pallas the
victorious goddess at Pylos who crushed the peas herself.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Oh, Demos! the goddess watches over you; she is
stretching forth over your head . . . a stew-pan full of broth.
DEMOS. And should we still be dwelling in this city without this
protecting stew-pan?
CLEON. Here are some fish, given to you by her who is the terror of our
foes.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. The daughter of the mightiest of the gods sends you this
meat cooked in its own gravy, along with this dish of tripe and some
paunch.
DEMOS. 'Tis to thank me for the Peplos I offered to her; 'tis well.
CLEON. The goddess with the terrible plume invites you to eat this long
cake; you will row the harder on it.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Take this also.
DEMOS. And what shall I do with this tripe?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. She sends it you to belly out your galleys, for she is
always showing her kindly anxiety for our fleet. Now drink this beverage
composed of three parts of water to two of wine.
DEMOS. Ah! what delicious wine, and how well it stands the water. [129]
SAUSAGE-SELLER. 'Twas the goddess who came from the head of Zeus that
mixed this liquor with her own hands.
CLEON. Hold, here is a piece of good rich cake.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. But I offer you an entire cake.
CLEON. But you cannot offer him stewed hare as I do.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Ah! great gods! stewed hare! where shall I find it? Oh!
brain of mine, devise some trick!
CLEON. Do you see this, poor fellow?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. A fig for that! Here are folk coming to seek me.
CLEON. Who are they?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Envoys, bearing sacks bulging with money.
CLEON. (_Hearing money mentioned Clean turns his head, and Agoracritus
seizes the opportunity to snatch away the stewed hare. _) Where, where, I
say?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Bah! What's that to you? Will you not even now let the
strangers alone? Demos, do you see this stewed hare which I bring you?
CLEON. Ah! rascal! you have shamelessly robbed me.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. You have robbed too, you robbed the Laconians at Pylos.
DEMOS. An you pity me, tell me, how did you get the idea to filch it from
him?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. The idea comes from the goddess; the theft is all my own.
CLEON. And I had taken such trouble to catch this hare.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. But 'twas I who had it cooked.
DEMOS (_to Cleon_). Get you gone! My thanks are only for him who served
it.
CLEON. Ah! wretch! have you beaten me in impudence!
SAUSAGE-SELLER.
Well then, Demos, say now, who has treated you best, you
and your stomach? Decide!
DEMOS. How shall I act here so that the spectators shall approve my
judgment?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. I will tell you. Without saying anything, go and rummage
through my basket, and then through the Paphlagonian's, and see what is
in them; that's the best way to judge.
DEMOS. Let us see then, what is there in yours?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Why, 'tis empty, dear little father; I have brought
everything to you.
DEMOS. This is a basket devoted to the people.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Now hunt through the Paphlagonian's. Well?
DEMOS. Oh! what a lot of good things! Why! 'tis quite full! Oh! what a
huge great part of this cake he kept for himself! He had only cut off the
least little tiny piece for me.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. But this is what he has always done. Of everything he
took, he only gave you the crumbs, and kept the bulk.
DEMOS. Oh! rascal! was this the way you robbed me? And I was loading you
with chaplets and gifts!
CLEON. 'Twas for the public weal I robbed.
DEMOS (_to Cleon_). Give me back that crown;[130] I will give it to him.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Return it quick, quick, you gallows-bird.
CLEON. No, for the Pythian oracle has revealed to me the name of him who
shall overthrow me.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. And that name was mine, nothing can be clearer.
CLEON. Reply and I shall soon see whether you are indeed the man whom the
god intended. Firstly, what school did you attend when a child?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. 'Twas in the kitchens I was taught with cuffs and blows.
CLEON. What's that you say? Ah! this is truly what the oracle said. And
what did you learn from the master of exercises?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. I learnt to take a false oath without a smile, when I had
stolen something.
CLEON. Oh! Phoebus Apollo, god of Lycia! I am undone! And when you had
become a man, what trade did you follow?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. I sold sausages and did a bit of fornication.
CLEON. Oh! my god! I am a lost man! Ah! still one slender hope remains.
Tell me, was it on the market-place or near the gates that you sold your
sausages?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Near the gates, in the market for salted goods.
CLEON Alas! I see the prophecy of the god is verily come true. Alas! roll
me home. [131] I am a miserable, ruined man. Farewell, my chaplet! 'Tis
death to me to part with you. So you are to belong to another; 'tis
certain he cannot be a greater thief, but perhaps he may be a luckier
one. [132]
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Oh! Zeus, the protector of Greece! 'tis to you I owe this
victory!
DEMOSTHENES. Hail! illustrious conqueror, but forget not, that if you
have become a great man, 'tis thanks to me; I ask but a little thing;
appoint me secretary of the law-court in the room of Phanus.
DEMOS (_to the Sausage-seller_). But what is your name then? Tell me.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. My name is Agoracritus, because I have always lived on
the market-place in the midst of lawsuits. [133]
DEMOS. Well then, Agoracritus, I stand by you; as for the Paphlagonian, I
hand him over to your mercy.
AGORACRITUS. Demos, I will care for you to the best of my power, and all
shall admit that no citizen is more devoted than I to this city of
simpletons.
CHORUS. What fitter theme for our Muse, at the close as at the beginning
of his work, than this, to sing the hero who drives his swift steeds down
the arena? Why afflict Lysistratus with our satires on his poverty,[134]
and Thumantis,[135] who has not so much as a lodging? He is dying of
hunger and can be seen at Delphi, his face bathed in tears, clinging to
your quiver, oh, Apollo! and supplicating you to take him out of his
misery.
An insult directed at the wicked is not to be censured; on the contrary,
the honest man, if he has sense, can only applaud. Him, whom I wish to
brand with infamy, is little known himself; 'tis the brother of
Arignotus. [136] I regret to quote this name which is so dear to me, but
whoever can distinguish black from white, or the Orthian mode of music
from others, knows the virtues of Arignotus, whom his brother,
Ariphrades,[137] in no way resembles. He gloats in vice, is not merely a
dissolute man and utterly debauched--but he has actually invented a new
form of vice; for he pollutes his tongue with abominable pleasures in
brothels licking up that nauseous moisture and befouling his beard as he
tickles the lips of lewd women's private parts. [138] Whoever is not
horrified at such a monster shall never drink from the same cup with me.
At times a thought weighs on me at night; I wonder whence comes this
fearful voracity of Cleonymus. [139] 'Tis said, that when dining with a
rich host, he springs at the dishes with the gluttony of a wild beast and
never leaves the bread-bin until his host seizes him round the knees,
exclaiming, "Go, go, good gentleman, in mercy go, and spare my poor
table! "
'Tis said that the triremes assembled in council and that the oldest
spoke in these terms, "Are you ignorant, my sisters, of what is plotting
in Athens? They say, that a certain Hyperbolus,[140] a bad citizen and an
infamous scoundrel, asks for a hundred of us to take them to sea against
Chalcedon. "[141] All were indignant, and one of them, as yet a virgin,
cried, "May god forbid that I should ever obey him! I would prefer to
grow old in the harbour and be gnawed by worms. No! by the gods I swear
it, Nauphante, daughter of Nauson, shall never bend to his law; 'tis as
true as I am made of wood and pitch. If the Athenians vote for the
proposal of Hyperbolus, let them! we will hoist full sail and seek refuge
by the temple of Theseus or the shrine of the Euminides. [142] No! he
shall not command us! No! he shall not play with the city to this extent!
Let him sail by himself for Tartarus, if such please him, launching the
boats in which he used to sell his lamps. "
AGORACRITUS. Maintain a holy silence! Keep your mouths from utterance!
call no more witnesses; close these tribunals, which are the delight of
this city, and gather at the theatre to chant the Paean of thanksgiving
to the gods for a fresh favour.
CHORUS. Oh! torch of sacred Athens, saviour of the Islands, what good
tidings are we to celebrate by letting the blood of the victims flow in
our market-places?
AGORACRITUS. I have freshened Demos up somewhat on the stove and have
turned his ugliness into beauty.
CHORUS. I admire your inventive genius; but, where is he?
AGORACRITUS. He is living in ancient Athens, the city of the garlands of
violets.
CHORUS. How I should like to see him! What is his dress like, what his
manner?
AGORACRITUS. He has once more become as he was in the days when he lived
with Aristides and Miltiades. But you will judge for yourselves, for I
hear the vestibule doors opening. Hail with your shouts of gladness the
Athens of old, which now doth reappear to your gaze, admirable, worthy of
the songs of the poets and the home of the illustrious Demos.
CHORUS. Oh! noble, brilliant Athens, whose brow is wreathed with violets,
show us the sovereign master of this land and of all Greece.
AGORACRITUS. Lo! here he is coming with his hair held in place with a
golden band and in all the glory of his old-world dress; perfumed with
myrrh, he spreads around him not the odour of lawsuits, but of peace.
CHORUS. Hail! King of Greece, we congratulate you upon the happiness you
enjoy; it is worthy of this city, worthy of the glory of Marathon.
DEMOS. Come, Agoracritus, come, my best friend; see the service you have
done me by freshening me up on your stove.
AGORACRITUS. Ah! if you but remembered what you were formerly and what
you did, you would for a certainty believe me to be a god.
DEMOS. But what did I? and how was I then?
AGORACRITUS. Firstly, so soon as ever an orator declared in the assembly
"Demos, I love you ardently; 'tis I alone, who dream of you and watch
over your interests"; at such an exordium you would look like a cock
flapping his wings or a bull tossing his horns.
DEMOS. What, I?
AGORACRITUS. Then, after he had fooled you to the hilt, he would go.
DEMOS. What! they would treat me so, and I never saw it!
AGORACRITUS. You knew only how to open and close your ears like a
sunshade.
DEMOS. Was I then so stupid and such a dotard?
AGORACRITUS. Worse than that; if one of two orators proposed to equip a
fleet for war and the other suggested the use of the same sum for paying
out to the citizens, 'twas the latter who always carried the day. Well!
you droop your head! you turn away your face?
DEMOS. I redden at my past errors.
AGORACRITUS. Think no more of them; 'tis not you who are to blame, but
those who cheated you in this sorry fashion. But, come, if some impudent
lawyer dared to say, "Dicasts, you shall have no wheat unless you convict
this accused man! " what would you do? Tell me.
DEMOS. I would have him removed from the bar, I would bind Hyperbolus
about his neck like a stone and would fling him into the Barathrum. [143]
AGORACRITUS. Well spoken! but what other measures do you wish to take?
DEMOS. First, as soon as ever a fleet returns to the harbour, I shall pay
up the rowers in full.
AGORACRITUS. That will soothe many a worn and chafed bottom.
DEMOS. Further, the hoplite enrolled for military service shall not get
transferred to another service through favour, but shall stick to that
given him at the outset.
AGORACRITUS. This will strike the buckler of Cleonymus full in the
centre.
DEMOS. None shall ascend the rostrum, unless their chins are bearded.
AGORACRITUS. What then will become of Clisthenes and of Strato? [144]
DEMOS. I wish only to refer to those youths, who loll about the perfume
shops, babbling at random, "What a clever fellow is Pheax! [145] How
cleverly he escaped death!
sailors. [119]
SAUSAGE-SELLER. "Son of Aegeus,[120] beware of the tricks of the
dog-fox,[121] he bites from the rear and rushes off at full speed; he is
nothing but cunning and perfidy. " Do you know what the oracle intends to
say?
DEMOS. The dog-fox is Philostratus. [122]
SAUSAGE-SELLER. No, no, 'tis Cleon; he is incessantly asking you for
light vessels to go and collect the tributes, and Apollo advises you not
to grant them.
DEMOS. What connection is there between a galley and a dog-fox?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. What connection? Why, 'tis quite plain--a galley travels
as fast as a dog.
DEMOS. Why, then, does the oracle not say dog instead of dog-fox?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Because he compares the soldiers to young foxes, who,
like them, eat the grapes in the fields.
DEMOS. Good! Well then! how am I to pay the wages of my young foxes?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. I will undertake that, and in three days too! But listen
to this further oracle, by which Apollo puts you on your guard against
the snares of the greedy fist.
DEMOS. Of what greedy fist?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. The god in this oracle very clearly points to the hand of
Cleon, who incessantly holds his out, saying, "Fill it. "
CLEON. 'Tis false! Phoebus means the hand of Diopithes. [123] But here I
have a winged oracle, which promises you shall become an eagle and rule
over all the earth.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. I have one, which says that you shall be King of the
Earth and of the Sea, and that you shall administer justice in Ecbatana,
eating fine rich stews the while.
CLEON. I have seen Athene[124] in a dream, pouring out full vials of
riches and health over the people.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. I too have seen the goddess, descending from the
Acropolis with an owl perched upon her helmet; on your head she was
pouring out ambrosia, on that of Cleon garlic pickle.
DEMOS. Truly Glanis is the wisest of men. I shall yield myself to you;
guide me in my old age and educate me anew.
CLEON. Ah! I adjure you! not yet; wait a little; I will promise to
distribute barley every day.
DEMOS. Ah! I will not hear another word about barley; you have cheated me
too often already, both you and Theophanes. [125]
CLEON. Well then! you shall have flour-cakes all piping hot.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. I will give you cakes too, and nice cooked fish; you will
only have to eat.
DEMOS. Very well, mind you keep your promises. To whichever of you twain
shall treat me best I hand over the reins of state.
CLEON. I will be first.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. No, no, _I_ will.
CHORUS. Demos, you are our all-powerful sovereign lord; all tremble
before you, yet you are led by the nose. You love to be flattered and
fooled; you listen to the orators with gaping mouth and your mind is led
astray.
DEMOS. 'Tis rather you who have no brains, if you think me so foolish as
all that; it is with a purpose that I play this idiot's role, for I love
to drink the lifelong day, and so it pleases me to keep a thief for my
minister. When he has thoroughly gorged himself, then I overthrow and
crush him.
CHORUS. What profound wisdom! If it be really so, why! all is for the
best. Your ministers, then, are your victims, whom you nourish and feed
up expressly in the Pnyx, so that, the day your dinner is ready, you may
immolate the fattest and eat him.
DEMOS. Look, see how I play with them, while all the time they think
themselves such adepts at cheating me. I have my eye on them when they
thieve, but I do not appear to be seeing them; then I thrust a judgment
down their throat as it were a feather, and force them to vomit up all
they have robbed from me.
CLEON. Oh! the rascal!
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Oh! the scoundrel!
CLEON. Demos, all is ready these three hours; I await your orders and I
burn with desire to load you with benefits.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. And I ten, twelve, a thousand hours, a long, long while,
an infinitely long while.
DEMOS. As for me, 'tis thirty thousand hours that I have been impatient;
very long, infinitely long that I have cursed you.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Do you know what you had best do?
DEMOS. If I do not, tell me.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Declare the lists open[126] and we will contend abreast
to determine who shall treat you the best.
DEMOS. Splendid! Draw back in line! [126]
CLEON. I am ready.
DEMOS. Off you go!
SAUSAGE-SELLER (_to Cleon_). I shall not let you get to the tape.
DEMOS. What fervent lovers! If I am not to-day the happiest of men, 'tis
because I shall be the most disgusted.
CLEON. Look! 'tis I who am the first to bring you a seat.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. And I a table.
CLEON. Hold, here is a cake kneaded of Pylos barley. [127]
SAUSAGE--SELLER. Here are crusts, which the ivory hand of the goddess has
hallowed. [128]
DEMOS. Oh! Mighty Athene! How large are your fingers!
CLEON. This is pea-soup, as exquisite as it is fine; 'tis Pallas the
victorious goddess at Pylos who crushed the peas herself.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Oh, Demos! the goddess watches over you; she is
stretching forth over your head . . . a stew-pan full of broth.
DEMOS. And should we still be dwelling in this city without this
protecting stew-pan?
CLEON. Here are some fish, given to you by her who is the terror of our
foes.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. The daughter of the mightiest of the gods sends you this
meat cooked in its own gravy, along with this dish of tripe and some
paunch.
DEMOS. 'Tis to thank me for the Peplos I offered to her; 'tis well.
CLEON. The goddess with the terrible plume invites you to eat this long
cake; you will row the harder on it.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Take this also.
DEMOS. And what shall I do with this tripe?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. She sends it you to belly out your galleys, for she is
always showing her kindly anxiety for our fleet. Now drink this beverage
composed of three parts of water to two of wine.
DEMOS. Ah! what delicious wine, and how well it stands the water. [129]
SAUSAGE-SELLER. 'Twas the goddess who came from the head of Zeus that
mixed this liquor with her own hands.
CLEON. Hold, here is a piece of good rich cake.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. But I offer you an entire cake.
CLEON. But you cannot offer him stewed hare as I do.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Ah! great gods! stewed hare! where shall I find it? Oh!
brain of mine, devise some trick!
CLEON. Do you see this, poor fellow?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. A fig for that! Here are folk coming to seek me.
CLEON. Who are they?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Envoys, bearing sacks bulging with money.
CLEON. (_Hearing money mentioned Clean turns his head, and Agoracritus
seizes the opportunity to snatch away the stewed hare. _) Where, where, I
say?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Bah! What's that to you? Will you not even now let the
strangers alone? Demos, do you see this stewed hare which I bring you?
CLEON. Ah! rascal! you have shamelessly robbed me.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. You have robbed too, you robbed the Laconians at Pylos.
DEMOS. An you pity me, tell me, how did you get the idea to filch it from
him?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. The idea comes from the goddess; the theft is all my own.
CLEON. And I had taken such trouble to catch this hare.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. But 'twas I who had it cooked.
DEMOS (_to Cleon_). Get you gone! My thanks are only for him who served
it.
CLEON. Ah! wretch! have you beaten me in impudence!
SAUSAGE-SELLER.
Well then, Demos, say now, who has treated you best, you
and your stomach? Decide!
DEMOS. How shall I act here so that the spectators shall approve my
judgment?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. I will tell you. Without saying anything, go and rummage
through my basket, and then through the Paphlagonian's, and see what is
in them; that's the best way to judge.
DEMOS. Let us see then, what is there in yours?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Why, 'tis empty, dear little father; I have brought
everything to you.
DEMOS. This is a basket devoted to the people.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Now hunt through the Paphlagonian's. Well?
DEMOS. Oh! what a lot of good things! Why! 'tis quite full! Oh! what a
huge great part of this cake he kept for himself! He had only cut off the
least little tiny piece for me.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. But this is what he has always done. Of everything he
took, he only gave you the crumbs, and kept the bulk.
DEMOS. Oh! rascal! was this the way you robbed me? And I was loading you
with chaplets and gifts!
CLEON. 'Twas for the public weal I robbed.
DEMOS (_to Cleon_). Give me back that crown;[130] I will give it to him.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Return it quick, quick, you gallows-bird.
CLEON. No, for the Pythian oracle has revealed to me the name of him who
shall overthrow me.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. And that name was mine, nothing can be clearer.
CLEON. Reply and I shall soon see whether you are indeed the man whom the
god intended. Firstly, what school did you attend when a child?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. 'Twas in the kitchens I was taught with cuffs and blows.
CLEON. What's that you say? Ah! this is truly what the oracle said. And
what did you learn from the master of exercises?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. I learnt to take a false oath without a smile, when I had
stolen something.
CLEON. Oh! Phoebus Apollo, god of Lycia! I am undone! And when you had
become a man, what trade did you follow?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. I sold sausages and did a bit of fornication.
CLEON. Oh! my god! I am a lost man! Ah! still one slender hope remains.
Tell me, was it on the market-place or near the gates that you sold your
sausages?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Near the gates, in the market for salted goods.
CLEON Alas! I see the prophecy of the god is verily come true. Alas! roll
me home. [131] I am a miserable, ruined man. Farewell, my chaplet! 'Tis
death to me to part with you. So you are to belong to another; 'tis
certain he cannot be a greater thief, but perhaps he may be a luckier
one. [132]
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Oh! Zeus, the protector of Greece! 'tis to you I owe this
victory!
DEMOSTHENES. Hail! illustrious conqueror, but forget not, that if you
have become a great man, 'tis thanks to me; I ask but a little thing;
appoint me secretary of the law-court in the room of Phanus.
DEMOS (_to the Sausage-seller_). But what is your name then? Tell me.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. My name is Agoracritus, because I have always lived on
the market-place in the midst of lawsuits. [133]
DEMOS. Well then, Agoracritus, I stand by you; as for the Paphlagonian, I
hand him over to your mercy.
AGORACRITUS. Demos, I will care for you to the best of my power, and all
shall admit that no citizen is more devoted than I to this city of
simpletons.
CHORUS. What fitter theme for our Muse, at the close as at the beginning
of his work, than this, to sing the hero who drives his swift steeds down
the arena? Why afflict Lysistratus with our satires on his poverty,[134]
and Thumantis,[135] who has not so much as a lodging? He is dying of
hunger and can be seen at Delphi, his face bathed in tears, clinging to
your quiver, oh, Apollo! and supplicating you to take him out of his
misery.
An insult directed at the wicked is not to be censured; on the contrary,
the honest man, if he has sense, can only applaud. Him, whom I wish to
brand with infamy, is little known himself; 'tis the brother of
Arignotus. [136] I regret to quote this name which is so dear to me, but
whoever can distinguish black from white, or the Orthian mode of music
from others, knows the virtues of Arignotus, whom his brother,
Ariphrades,[137] in no way resembles. He gloats in vice, is not merely a
dissolute man and utterly debauched--but he has actually invented a new
form of vice; for he pollutes his tongue with abominable pleasures in
brothels licking up that nauseous moisture and befouling his beard as he
tickles the lips of lewd women's private parts. [138] Whoever is not
horrified at such a monster shall never drink from the same cup with me.
At times a thought weighs on me at night; I wonder whence comes this
fearful voracity of Cleonymus. [139] 'Tis said, that when dining with a
rich host, he springs at the dishes with the gluttony of a wild beast and
never leaves the bread-bin until his host seizes him round the knees,
exclaiming, "Go, go, good gentleman, in mercy go, and spare my poor
table! "
'Tis said that the triremes assembled in council and that the oldest
spoke in these terms, "Are you ignorant, my sisters, of what is plotting
in Athens? They say, that a certain Hyperbolus,[140] a bad citizen and an
infamous scoundrel, asks for a hundred of us to take them to sea against
Chalcedon. "[141] All were indignant, and one of them, as yet a virgin,
cried, "May god forbid that I should ever obey him! I would prefer to
grow old in the harbour and be gnawed by worms. No! by the gods I swear
it, Nauphante, daughter of Nauson, shall never bend to his law; 'tis as
true as I am made of wood and pitch. If the Athenians vote for the
proposal of Hyperbolus, let them! we will hoist full sail and seek refuge
by the temple of Theseus or the shrine of the Euminides. [142] No! he
shall not command us! No! he shall not play with the city to this extent!
Let him sail by himself for Tartarus, if such please him, launching the
boats in which he used to sell his lamps. "
AGORACRITUS. Maintain a holy silence! Keep your mouths from utterance!
call no more witnesses; close these tribunals, which are the delight of
this city, and gather at the theatre to chant the Paean of thanksgiving
to the gods for a fresh favour.
CHORUS. Oh! torch of sacred Athens, saviour of the Islands, what good
tidings are we to celebrate by letting the blood of the victims flow in
our market-places?
AGORACRITUS. I have freshened Demos up somewhat on the stove and have
turned his ugliness into beauty.
CHORUS. I admire your inventive genius; but, where is he?
AGORACRITUS. He is living in ancient Athens, the city of the garlands of
violets.
CHORUS. How I should like to see him! What is his dress like, what his
manner?
AGORACRITUS. He has once more become as he was in the days when he lived
with Aristides and Miltiades. But you will judge for yourselves, for I
hear the vestibule doors opening. Hail with your shouts of gladness the
Athens of old, which now doth reappear to your gaze, admirable, worthy of
the songs of the poets and the home of the illustrious Demos.
CHORUS. Oh! noble, brilliant Athens, whose brow is wreathed with violets,
show us the sovereign master of this land and of all Greece.
AGORACRITUS. Lo! here he is coming with his hair held in place with a
golden band and in all the glory of his old-world dress; perfumed with
myrrh, he spreads around him not the odour of lawsuits, but of peace.
CHORUS. Hail! King of Greece, we congratulate you upon the happiness you
enjoy; it is worthy of this city, worthy of the glory of Marathon.
DEMOS. Come, Agoracritus, come, my best friend; see the service you have
done me by freshening me up on your stove.
AGORACRITUS. Ah! if you but remembered what you were formerly and what
you did, you would for a certainty believe me to be a god.
DEMOS. But what did I? and how was I then?
AGORACRITUS. Firstly, so soon as ever an orator declared in the assembly
"Demos, I love you ardently; 'tis I alone, who dream of you and watch
over your interests"; at such an exordium you would look like a cock
flapping his wings or a bull tossing his horns.
DEMOS. What, I?
AGORACRITUS. Then, after he had fooled you to the hilt, he would go.
DEMOS. What! they would treat me so, and I never saw it!
AGORACRITUS. You knew only how to open and close your ears like a
sunshade.
DEMOS. Was I then so stupid and such a dotard?
AGORACRITUS. Worse than that; if one of two orators proposed to equip a
fleet for war and the other suggested the use of the same sum for paying
out to the citizens, 'twas the latter who always carried the day. Well!
you droop your head! you turn away your face?
DEMOS. I redden at my past errors.
AGORACRITUS. Think no more of them; 'tis not you who are to blame, but
those who cheated you in this sorry fashion. But, come, if some impudent
lawyer dared to say, "Dicasts, you shall have no wheat unless you convict
this accused man! " what would you do? Tell me.
DEMOS. I would have him removed from the bar, I would bind Hyperbolus
about his neck like a stone and would fling him into the Barathrum. [143]
AGORACRITUS. Well spoken! but what other measures do you wish to take?
DEMOS. First, as soon as ever a fleet returns to the harbour, I shall pay
up the rowers in full.
AGORACRITUS. That will soothe many a worn and chafed bottom.
DEMOS. Further, the hoplite enrolled for military service shall not get
transferred to another service through favour, but shall stick to that
given him at the outset.
AGORACRITUS. This will strike the buckler of Cleonymus full in the
centre.
DEMOS. None shall ascend the rostrum, unless their chins are bearded.
AGORACRITUS. What then will become of Clisthenes and of Strato? [144]
DEMOS. I wish only to refer to those youths, who loll about the perfume
shops, babbling at random, "What a clever fellow is Pheax! [145] How
cleverly he escaped death!
