No More Learning

_Enter_ CONSTANCE, ISABELLA, _and_ NONSUCH.


_Const_. This is just the knight's hour; and lovers seldom come
after their time.

_Non_. Good night, daughter; I'll to bed, and give you joy
to-morrow morning. [_Exit_.

_Isa_. I'm glad he's gone: What, your train takes?

_Const_. Yes, yes; Loveby will come: Setstone has been with him
in disguise; and promised him golden mountains, if he will not be
wanting to his own fortune.

_Isa_. Is your habit provided too?

_Const_. All is ready.

_Isa_. Away then; for this is the place where we must part like
knights errant, that take several paths to their adventures.

_Const_. 'Tis time, for I hear somebody come along the alley;
without question 'tis Timorous. Farewell; the chaplain stays for me in
the chamber.

_Isa_. And I'll post after you to matrimony; I have laid a fresh
parson at the next stage, that shall carry me tantivy.

[_Exit_ CONSTANCE.

_Enter_ BURR _with_ TIMOROUS'S _coat on_.

_Burr_. My lady Constance!

_Isa_. The same: Sir Timorous?

_Burr_. The same.

_Isa_. Sir Timorous takes me for my cousin.

[_Aside_.

_Burr_. My lady Constance mistakes me for the knight.

[_Aside_.

_Isa_. Here, sir; through the dark walk: 'tis but a little way
about--He's my own beyond redemption--

[_Aside_.

_Burr_. The Indies are mine; and a handsome lady into the
bargain.

[_Excunt_.

_Enter_ FAILER, _dogging them, as they go off_.

_Fail_. He shall be hanged, ere he shall get her. Thus far I have
dogged them, and this way I am sure they must pass, ere they come to
the house. The rogue had got the old dog-trick of a statesman; to fish
things out of wiser heads than his own, and never so much as to take
notice of him that gave the counsel--

_Enter ISABELLA and BURR again_.

Now, if I can but give her the hint without his knowledge! --Madam--my
lady Constance!

_Isa_. What voice is that?

_Fail_. A word in private, or you are undone--Pray step aside.

_Burr. _ Where are you, madam?

_Isa_. Immediately, Sir Timorous.

_Fail_. You are mistaken, madam; 'tis not Sir Timorous, but Burr
in his clothes; he has stripped the knight, gagged him, and locked him
up.

_Isa_. Failer?

_Fail_. The same. I could not but prevent your unhappiness,
though I hazard my person in the discovery, I vow to gad, madam.

_Burr_. Who's that talks to you, my lady Constance?

_Isa_. A maid of my acquaintance, that's come to take her leave
of me before I marry; the poor soul does so pity me.

_Burr_. How will that maid lie, thinking of you and me to-night!

_Isa_. Has he the key about him? [_To FAILER_.

_Fail_. I think so, madam.

_Isa_. Could not you possibly pick his pocket, and give me the
key? then let me alone to release Sir Timorous; and you shall be
witness of the wedding.

_Fail_. Egad, you want your cousin Isabella's wit to bring that
to pass, madam.

_Isa_. I warrant you, my own wit will serve to fool Burr--and you
too, or I am much deceived. [_Aside_.

_Fail_. I am a little apprehensive of the rascal's fingers, since
I felt them last; and yet my fear has not power to resist the sweet
temptation of revenge; I vow to gad I'll try, madam.

_Isa_. Never fear; let me alone to keep him busy.

_Burr_. Come, madam, and let me take off these tasteless kisses
the maid gave you; may we not join lips before we are married?

_Isa_. No; fie, Sir Timorous.

[_They struggle a little, and in that time FAILER picks his pocket
of the key_.

_Fail_. I have it--here it is--now, shift for yourself, as I'll
do; I'll wait you in the alley.

[_Exit_.

_Isa_. Sir Timorous, pray go into my chamber, and make no noise
till I return; I'll but fetch the little man of God, and follow you in
a twinkling.

_Burr_. There's no light, I hope?

_Isa_. Not a spark.

_Burr_. For to light me to the mark--

[_Exit_.

_Isa_. What a scowering have I 'scaped to-night! Fortune, 'tis
thou hast been ingenious for me! Allons, Isabella! Courage! now to
deliver my knight from the enchanted castle.

[_Exit_.

_Enter LOVEBY, led by SETSTONE, antickly habited; with a torch in
one hand, and a wand in the other_.

_Lov_. What art thou, that hast led me this long hour through
lanes and alleys, and blind passages?

_Set_. I am thy genius; and conduct thee to wealth, fame, and
honour; what thou comest to do, do boldly; fear not; with this rod I
charm thee; and neither elf nor goblin now can harm thee.

_Lov_. Well, march on; if thou art my genius, thou art bound to
be answerable for me; I'll have thee hanged, if I miscarry.

_Set_. Fear not, my son.

_Lov_. Fear not, quotha! then, pr'ythee, put on a more familiar
shape:--one of us two stinks extremely: Pr'ythee, do not come so near
me; I do not love to have my face bleached like a tiffany with thy
brimstone.

_Set_. Fear not, but follow me.

_Lov_. 'Faith, I have no great mind to't; I am somewhat godly at
present; but stay a month longer, and I'll be proud, and fitter for
thee. In the mean time, pr'ythee, stay thy stomach with some Dutchman;
an Hollander, with butter, will fry rarely in hell.

_Set_. Mortal, 'tis now too late for a retreat; go on, and live;
step back, and thou art mine.

_Lorn_. So I am, however, first or last; but for once I'll trust
thee. [_Exeunt_.


SCENE II.

_The scene opens, and discovers CONSTANCE, and a Parson by her; she
habited like Fortune.

Enter again_.


_Set_. Take here the mighty queen of good and ill, Fortune; first
marry, then enjoy thy fill Of lawful pleasures; but depart ere morn;
Slip from her bed, or else thou shalt be torn Piecemeal by fiends;
thy blood caroused in bowls, And thy four quarters blown to the top of
Paul's.

_Lov_. By your favour, I'll never venture. Is marrying the
business? I'll none, I thank you.

[_Here CONSTANCE whispers SETSTONE_.

_Set_. Fortune will turn her back if twice denied.

_Lav_. Why, she may turn her girdle too on t'other side[A]. This
is the devil; I will not venture on her.

[Footnote A: A usual expression of indifference for a man's
displeasure. ]

_Set_. Fear not; she swears thou shalt receive no harm.

_Lov_. Ay, if a man durst trust her; but the devil is got into
such an ill name of lying--

_Set_. Whene'er you are not pleased, it shall be lawful to sue
out your divorce.

_Lov_. Ay, but where shall I get a lawyer? there you are
aforehand with me; you have retained most of them already. For the
favours I have received, I am very much her servant; but, in the way
of matrimony, Mr Parson there can tell you 'tis an ordinance, and must
not be entered into without mature deliberation; besides, marriages,
you know, are made in heaven; and that I am sure this was not.

_Set_. She bids you then, at least, restore that gold, which she,
too lavishly, poured out on you, unthankful man.

_Lov_. Faith, I have it not at present; 'tis all gone, as I am a
sinner; but, 'tis gone wickedly; all spent in the devil her father's
service.

_Set_. Where is the grateful sense of all your favours? Come,
fiends, with flesh-hooks, tear the wretch in pieces, And bear his soul
upon your leather wings, Below the fountain of the dark abyss.

_Lov_. What, are you a-conjuring? If you are good at that sport,
I can conjure as well as you--[_Draws his sword_.

_Const_. Hold; for Heaven's sake, hold! I am no spirit; touch but
my hand; ghosts have no flesh and blood. [_Discovering_.

_Lov_. My lady Constance! I began to suspect it might be a trick,
but never could imagine you the author. It seems you are desirous I
should father this _hans en kelder_ here?

_Const_. I know not how, without a blush, to tell you, it was a
cheat I practised for your love.

_Set_. A mere tympany, sir, raised by a cushion; you see 'tis
gone already.

_Const_. Setstone was sent to have acquainted you; but, by the
way, unfortunately missed you.

_Lev_. Twas you, then, that supplied me all this while with
money? pretty familiar, I hope to make thee amends ere I sleep
to-night. Come, parson, pr'ythee make haste and join us. I long to be
out of her debt, poor rogue.

[_The parson takes them to the side of the stage; they turn their
backs to the audience, while he mumbles to them_.

_Set_. I'll be the clerk; Amen--give you joy, Mr Bridegroom, and
Mrs Bride.

_Lov. Const_. Thanks, honest Setstone.

[_BIBBER, FRANCES, and music without--they play_.

_Music_. God give your worship a good even, Mr Loveby.

_Const_. Hark! what noise is that! Is this music of your
providing, Setstone?

_Set_. Alas, madam, I know nothing of it.

_Lov_.
We are betrayed to your father; but the best on't is, he
comes too late to hinder us--fear not, madam, I'll bear you through
them all.

[_As they rush out, BIBBER, FRANCES, and Music are entering in;
BIBBER and FRANCES are beaten down. --Exeunt LOVEBY; CONSTANCE,
SETSTONE, and Parson_.

_All cry out_. Oh the devil! the devil! the devil!

_Bib_. Lord bless us, where are you, Frances!

_Fran_. Here, William! this is a judgment, as they say, upon
you, William, for trusting wits, and calling gentlemen to the tavern,
William.

_Bib_. No; 'twas a judgment upon you, for desiring preferment at
court, Frances. Let's call up the watch, and Justice Trice, to have
the house searched.

_Fran_. Ay, ay; there's more devils there, I warrant you.
[_Exeunt_.

_Enter LOVEBY, CONSTANCE, and SETSTONE again_.

_Lov_. It was certainly Will Bibber and his wife, with music;
for, now I remember myself, I 'pointed him this hour at your father's
house: but we frighted them worse than they frighted us.

_Const_. Our parson ran away too, when they cried out the devil!

_Lov_. He was the wiser; for if the devil had come indeed, he has
preached so long against him, it would have gone hard with him.

_Set_. Indeed, I have always observed parsons to be more fearful
of the devil than other people.

_Lov_. Oh, the devil's the spirit, and the parson's the flesh;
and betwixt those two there must be a war; yet, to do them both right,
I think in my conscience they quarrel only like lawyers for their
fees, and meet good friends in private, to laugh at their clients.

_Const_. I saw him run in at my cousin Isabella's chamber door,
which was wide open; I believe she's returned: We'll fetch a light
from the gallery, and give her joy.

_Lov_. Why, is she married, madam?

_Const_. I'll tell you as we go. [_Exeunt_.


SCENE III.

_BURR and the Parson enter, meeting in the dark_.


_Burr_. My lady Constance, are you come again? That's well; I
have waited sufficiently for you in the dark.

_Par_. Help, help, help, good Christian people! the devil, the
devil's here.

_Burr_. 'Tis I, madam; what do you mean?

_Par_. Avoid, Satan! avoid, avoid.

_Burr_. What have I here, the hairy woman?

_Enter LOVEBY, and CONSTANCE with the light_.

Ha! yonder's my lady Constance! who have I got? a stone priest, by
this good light. How's this, Loveby too!

_Lov_. Burr a-beating my reverend clergy? What makes you here at
this unseasonable hour? I'll know your business. [_Draws_.

_Burr_. Will you, sir? [_They fight_.

_Const. Set. Par_. Help, murder, murder!

_Enter, at one door, TRICE drunk, with the Watch; BIBBER and FRANCES
following; at the other, NONSUCH and Servants, and FAILER_.

_Non_. Murder, murder! beat down their weapons. Will you
murder Sir Timorous, Mr Loveby? --[_They disarm both_. ] Sir
Timorous? --ha, Burr! Thieves, thieves! --sit down, good Mr Justice, and
take their examinations. Now I shall know how my money went.

_Trice_. They shall have justice, I warrant them. [_Goes to
sit, and misses the chair_.

_Bib_. The justice is almost dead drunk, my lord.

_Fran_. But an't please your worship, my lord, this is not the
worst sight that we have seen here to-night in your worship's house;
we met three or four hugeous ugly devils, with eyes like saucers, that
threw down my husband, that threw down me, that made my heart so panck
ever since, as they say! --

_Non_. The devil again in my house?

_Lov_. Nay, here he was, that's certain; he brought me hither, I
know not how myself, and married me; Mr Setstone there can justify it:
But the best is, I have a charm about me, that will lay him yet ere
midnight.

_Fail_. And I vow to gad, my lord, I know as little how I came
hither as any man.

_Burr_. Nor I.

_Trice_. Nor I.

_Lot_. No, I dare swear do'st thou not, Mr Justice.

_Trice_. But I wonder how the devil durst come into our ward,
when he knows I have been at the duties of--my family--this evening.

_Enter one of the Watch, with_ TIMOROUS _and_ ISABELLA.

_Watch_. An please your worship, I met this couple in the street
late, and so, seeing them to be a man and woman, I brought them along
with me, upon suspicion of felony together.

_Fran_. This is the proud minx, that sought shelter in my house
this afternoon, Mr Justice.

_Fail_. Sir Timorous and Madam Isabella! I vow to gad, we are
undone, Burr. --

_Isa_. Do not you know me, Mr Justice?

_Lov_. Justice is blind, he knows nobody.

_Isa_. My name is Isabella.

_Fran_. No, thy name is Jezebella; I warrant you, there's none
but rogues and papists would be abroad at this time of night.

_Bib_. Hold, Frances. --

_Trice_. She's drunk, I warrant her, as any beast. I wonder,
woman, you do not consider what a crying sin drunkenness is: Whom do
you learn it from in our parish? I am sure you never see me worse.

_Isa_. Burr and Failer, acknowledge yourselves a couple of
recreant knights: Sir Timorous is mine: I have won him in fair field
from you.

_Const_. Give you joy, cousin, give you joy!

_Lov_. Married!

_Isa_. And in Diana's grove, boy.

_Lov_. Why, 'tis fine, by Heaven; 'tis wondrous fine; as the poet
goes on sweetly.

_Tim_. I am sure they had gagged me, and bound me, and stripped
me almost stark naked, and locked me up as fast as a butterfly, 'till
she came and made me a man again; and therefore I have reason to love
her the longest day I have to live.

_Isa_. Ay, and the longest night too, or you are to blame. And
you have one argument I love you, if the proverb be true, for I took
you almost in your bare shirt.

_Burr_. So much for us, Failer!

_Const_. Well, my lord, it had as good out at first as at last:
I must beg your lordship's blessing for this gentleman and myself.
[_Both kneel_.

_Non_. Why, you are not married to him, I hope! he's married to
the devil.

_Lov_. 'Twas a white devil of your lordship's getting, then; Mr
Setstone and the reverend here can witness it.

_Set. Par_. We must speak truth, my lord.

_Non_. Would I had another child for your sake! you should ne'er
see a penny of my money.

_Lov_. Thank you, my lord; but methinks 'tis much better as it
is.

_Isa_. Come, nuncle, 'tis in vain to hold out, now 'tis past
remedy: 'Tis like the last act of a play, when people must marry; and
if fathers will not consent then, they should throw oranges at them
from the galleries. Why should you stand off, to keep us from a dance?

_Non_. But there's one thing still that troubles me; that's her
great belly, and my own too.

_Const_. Nay, for mine, my lord, 'tis vanished already; 'twas but
a trick to catch the old one.

_Lov_. But I'll do my best; she shall not be long without
another.

_Isa_. But as for your great belly, nuncle, I know no way to rid
you on't, but by taking out your guts.

_Lov_. 'Tis such a pretty smart rascal, 'tis well I am pleased
with my own choice: but I could have got such Hectors, and poets, and
gamesters, out of thee! --

_Const_. No, no; two wits could never have lived well together;
want would have so sharpened you upon one another.

_Isa_. A wit should naturally be joined to a fortune; by the same
reason your vintners feed their hungry wines.

_Const_. And if Sir Timorous and I had married, we two fortunes
must have built hospitals with our money; we could never have spent it
else.

_Lov_. Or what think you of paying courtiers' debts with it?

_Isa_. Well, to shew I am in charity with my enemies, I'll make
a motion: While we are in town, let us hire a large house, and live
together: Burr and Failer--

_Fail_. Shall be utterly discarded; I knew 'twould come to that,
I vow to gad.

_Isa_. Shall be our guests.

[_BURR and FAILER throw up their caps, and cry, Vive Madam
ISABELLA! _

_Lov_. And Bibber shall make our wedding clothes without
trusting.

_Bib_. No, henceforward I'll trust none but landed men, and such
as have houses and apple-trees in the country, now I have got a place
in the custom-house.

_Fran_. Nothing vexes me, but that this flirting gentlewoman
should go before me; but I'll to the herald's office, and see whether
the queen's majesty's dresser, should not take place of any knight's
wife in Christendom.

_Bib_. Now all will out--no more, good Frances.

_Fran_. I will speak, that I will, so I will: What! shall I be a
dresser to the queen's majesty, and nobody must know on't? I'll
send Mr Church-warden word on't; and, gentlemen, when you come to St
Bride's church (if ever you come to church, gentlemen), you shall see
me in the pew that's next the pulpit; thank Mr Loveby's worship for
it.

_Lov_. Spare your thanks, good landlady; for the truth is, they
came too late, the place is gone; and so is yours, Will; but you shall
have two hundred pounds for one, if that will satisfy you.

_Fran_. This is bitter news, as they say.

_Lov_. Cheer up thy wife, Will.