No More Learning

HERRIOTT. (After conversation has risen to proper pitch. ) Ah!
'Didn't see you in the crush in the drawing-room. (Sotto voce. ) Where
have you been all this while, Pip?

CAPTAIN GADSBY. (Turning from regularly ordained dinner partner and
settling hock glasses. ) Good evening. (Sotto voce. ) Not quite so loud
another time. You've no notion how your voice carries. (Aside. ) So much
for shirking the written explanation. It'll have to be a verbal one now.
Sweet prospect! How on earth am I to tell her that I am a respectable,
engaged member of society and it's all over between us?

MRS. H. I've a heavy score against you. Where were you at the Monday
Pop? Where were you on Tuesday? Where were you at the Lamonts' tennis? I
was looking everywhere.

Capt. G. For me! Oh, I was alive somewhere, I suppose. (Aside. ) It's for
Minnie's sake, but it's going to be dashed unpleasant.

Mrs. H. Have I done anything to offend you? I never meant it if I have.
I couldn't help going for a ride with the Vaynor man. It was promised a
week before you came up.

Capt. G. I didn't know--

Mrs. H. It really was.

Capt. G. Anything about it, I mean.

Mrs. H. What has upset you today? All these days? You haven't been near
me for four whole days--nearly one hundred hours. Was it kind of you,
Pip? And I've been looking forward so much to your coming.

Capt. G. Have you?

Mrs. H. You know I have! I've been as foolish as a schoolgirl about it.
I made a little calendar and put it in my card-case, and every time the
twelve o'clock gun went off I scratched out a square and said: "That
brings me nearer to Pip. My Pip! "

Capt. G. (With an uneasy laugh). What will Mackler think if you neglect
him so?

Mrs. H. And it hasn't brought you nearer. You seem farther away than
ever. Are you sulking about something? I know your temper.

Capt. G. No.

Mrs. H. Have I grown old in the last few months, then? (Reaches forward
to bank of flowers for menu-card. )

PARTNER ON LEFT. Allow me. (Hands menu-card. Mrs. H. keeps her arm at
full stretch for three seconds. )

Mrs. H. (To partner. ) Oh, thanks. I didn't see. (Turns right again. ) Is
anything in me changed at all?

Capt. G. For Goodness's sake go on with your dinner! You must eat
something. Try one of those cutlet arrangements. (Aside. ) And I fancied
she had good shoulders, once upon a time! What an ass a man can make of
himself!

Mrs. H. (Helping herself to a paper frill, seven peas, some stamped
carrots and a spoonful of gravy. ) That isn't an answer. Tell me whether
I have done anything.

Capt. G. (Aside. ) If it isn't ended here there will be a ghastly scene
some-where else. If only I'd written to her and stood the racket at long
range! (To Khitmatgar. ) Han! Simpkin do. (Aloud. ) I'll tell you later
on.

Mrs. H. Tell me now. It must be some foolish misunderstanding, and you
know that there was to be nothing of that sort between us. We, of all
people in the world, can't afford it. Is it the Vaynor man, and don't
you like to say so? On my honor--

Capt. G. I haven't given the Vaynor man a thought.

Mrs. H. But how d'you know that I haven't?

Capt. G. (Aside. ) Here's my chance and may the Devil help me through
with it. (Aloud and measuredly. ) Believe me, I do not care how often or
how tenderly you think of the Vaynor man.

Mrs. H. I wonder if you mean that! Oh, what is the good of squabbling
and pretending to misunderstand when you are only up for so short a
time? Pip, don't be a stupid!

Follows a pause, during which he crosses his left leg over his right and
continues his dinner.

Capt. G. (In answer to the thunderstorm in her eyes. ) Corns--my worst.

Mrs. H. Upon my word, you are the very rudest man in the world! I'll
never do it again.

Capt. G. (Aside. ) No, I don't think you will; but I wonder what you will
do before it's all over. (To Khitmatgar. ) Thorah ur Simpkin do.

Mrs. H. Well! Haven't you the grace to apologize, bad man?

Capt. G. (Aside. ) I mustn't let it drift back now. Trust a woman for
being as blind as a bat when she won't see.

Mrs. H. I'm waiting; or would you like me to dictate a form of apology?

Capt. G. (Desperately. ) By all means dictate.

Mrs. H. (Lightly. ) Very well. Rehearse your several Christian names
after me and go on: "Profess my sincere repentance. "

Capt. G. "Sincere repentance. "

Mrs. H. "For having behaved"--

Capt. G. (Aside. ) At last! I wish to Goodness she'd look away. "For
having behaved"--as I have behaved, and declare that I am thoroughly and
heartily sick of the whole business, and take this opportunity of
making clear my intention of ending it, now, henceforward, and forever.
(Aside. ) If any one had told me I should be such a blackguard! --

Mrs. H. (Shaking a spoonful of potato chips into her plate. ) That's not
a pretty joke.

Capt. G. No. It's a reality. (Aside. ) I wonder if smashes of this kind
are always so raw.

Mrs. H. Really, Pip, you're getting more absurd every day.

Capt. G.
I don't think you quite understand me. Shall I repeat it?

Mrs. H. No! For pity's sake don't do that. It's too terrible, even in
fur.

Capt. G. I'll let her think it over for a while. But I ought to be
horsewhipped.

Mrs. H. I want to know what you meant by what you said just now.

Capt. G. Exactly what I said. No less.

Mrs. H. But what have I done to deserve it? What have I done?

Capt. G. (Aside. ) If she only wouldn't look at me. (Aloud and very
slowly, his eyes on his plate. ) D'you remember that evening in July,
before the Rains broke, when you said that the end would have to come
sooner or later--and you wondered for which of US it would come first?

Mrs. H. Yes! I was only joking. And you swore that, as long as there was
breath in your body, it should never come. And I believed you.

Capt. G. (Fingering menu-card. ) Well, it has. That's all.

A long pause, during which Mrs. H. bows her head and rolls the
bread-twist into little pellets; G. stares at the oleanders.

Mrs. H. (Throwing back her head and laughing naturally. ) They train us
women well, don't they, Pip?

Capt. G. (Brutally, touching shirt-stud. ) So far as the expression goes.
(Aside. ) It isn't in her nature to take things quietly. There'll be an
explosion yet.

Mrs. H. (With a shudder. ) Thank you. B-but even Red Indians allow people
to wriggle when they're being tortured, I believe. (Slips fan from
girdle and fans slowly: rim of fan level with chin. )

PARTNER ON LEFT. Very close tonight, isn't it? 'You find it too much for
you?

Mrs. H. Oh, no, not in the least. But they really ought to have punkahs,
even in your cool Naini Tal, oughtn't they? (Turns, dropping fan and
raising eyebrows. )

Capt. G. It's all right. (Aside. ) Here comes the storm!

Mrs. H. (Her eyes on the tablecloth: fan ready in right hand. ) It was
very cleverly managed, Pip, and I congratulate you. You swore--you never
contented yourself with merely Saying a thing--you swore that, as far
as lay in your power, you'd make my wretched life pleasant for me. And
you've denied me the consolation of breaking down. I should have
done it--indeed I should. A woman would hardly have thought of this
refinement, my kind, considerate friend. (Fan-guard as before. ) You have
explained things so tenderly and truthfully, too! You haven't spoken or
written a word of warning, and you have let me believe in you till the
last minute. You haven't condescended to give me your reason yet. No!
A woman could not have managed it half so well. Are there many men like
you in the world?

Capt. G. I'm sure I don't know. (To Khitmatgar. ) Ohe! Simpkin do.

Mrs. H. You call yourself a man of the world, don't you? Do men of the
world behave like Devils when they do a woman the honor to get tired of
her?

Capt. G. I'm sure I don't know. Don't speak so loud!

Mrs. H. Keep us respectable, O Lord, whatever happens. Don't be afraid
of my compromising you. You've chosen your ground far too well, and I've
been properly brought up. (Lowering fan. ) Haven't you any pity, Pip,
except for yourself?

Capt. G. Wouldn't it be rather impertinent of me to say that I'm sorry
for you?

Mrs. H. I think you have said it once or twice before. You're growing
very careful of my feelings. My God, Pip, I was a good woman once! You
said I was. You've made me what I am. What are you going to do with
me? What are you going to do with me? Won't you say that you are sorry?
(Helps herself to iced asparagus. )

Capt. G. I am sorry for you, if you WANT the pity of such a brute as I
am. I'm awf'ly sorry for you.

Mrs. H. Rather tame for a man of the world. Do you think that that
admission clears you?

Capt. G. What can I do? I can only tell you what I think of myself. You
can't think worse than that?

Mrs. H. Oh, yes, I can! And now, will you tell me the reason of all
this? Remorse? Has Bayard been suddenly conscience-stricken?

Capt. G. (Angrily, his eyes still lowered. ) No! The thing has come to an
end on my side. That's all. Mafisch!

Mrs. H. "That's all. Mafisch! " As though I were a Cairene Dragoman. You
used to make prettier speeches. D'you remember when you said? --

Capt. G. For Heaven's sake don't bring that back! Call me anything you
like and I'll admit it--

Mrs. H. But you don't care to be reminded of old lies? If I could
hope to hurt you one-tenth as much as you have hurt me tonight--No, I
wouldn't--I couldn't do it--liar though you are.

Capt. G. I've spoken the truth.

Mrs. H. My dear Sir, you flatter yourself. You have lied over the
reason. Pip, remember that I know you as you don't know yourself. You
have been everything to me, though you are--(Fan-guard. ) Oh, what a
contemptible Thing it is! And so you are merely tired of me?

Capt. G. Since you insist upon my repeating it--Yes.

Mrs. H. Lie the first. I wish I knew a coarser word. Lie seems so
ineffectual in your case. The fire has just died out and there is no
fresh one? Think for a minute, Pip, if you care whether I despise you
more than I do. Simply Mafisch, is it?

Capt. G. Yes. (Aside. ) I think I deserve this.

Mrs. H. Lie number two. Before the next glass chokes you, tell me her
name.

Capt. G. (Aside. ) I'll make her pay for dragging Minnie into the
business! (Aloud. ) Is it likely?

Mrs.