No More Learning

The crack-brained
philosopher became the cynosure of unsophisticated eyes; and he grew
at last to be so unbearable that the city prefect judiciously expelled
him: "we do not require philosophers of your school," he explained.
Even this made for his notoriety: he was in every one's mouth as the
philosopher who was banished for being too outspoken, and saying what
he thought. He took rank with Musonius, Dion, Epictetus, and others who
have been in the same predicament.

'Finally, Proteus arrives in Greece; and what does he do there? He
makes himself offensive in Elis; he instigates Greece to revolt against
Rome; he finds a man of enlarged views and established character[6],
a public benefactor in general, and in particular the originator of
the water-supply to Olympia, which saved that great assembly from
perishing of thirst--and he has nothing but hard words for him; "Greece
is demoralized," he cries; "the spectators of the games should have
done without water, ay, and died if need be,"--and so many of them
would have done, from the violence of the epidemics then raging in
consequence of the drought. And all the time Proteus was drinking of
that very water! At this there was a general rush to stone him, which
pretty nearly succeeded; it was all our magnanimous friend could do,
for the time being, to find salvation at the altar of Zeus. He spent
the four following years in composing a speech, which he delivered in
public at the next Olympic games; it consisted of encomiums on the
donor of the water-supply and explanations of his flight on the former
occasion. But by this time people had lost all curiosity about him;
his prestige was quite gone; everything fell flat, and he could devise
no more novelties for the amazement of chance-comers, nor elicit the
admiration and applause for which he had always so passionately longed.
Hence this last bold venture of the funeral-pyre. So long ago as the
last Olympic Games he published his intention of cremating himself at
the next. That is what all this mystification is about, this digging
of pits we hear of, and collecting of firewood; these glowing accounts
of fortitude hereafter to be shown. Now, in the first place, it seems
to me that a man has no business to run away from life: he ought to
wait till his time comes. But if nothing else will serve, if positively
he must away,--still there is no need of pyres and such-like solemn
paraphernalia: there are plenty of ways of dying without this; let him
choose one of them, and have done with it. Or if a fiery end is so
attractively Heraclean, what was to prevent his quietly selecting some
well-wooded mountain top, and doing his cremation all by himself, with
Theagenes or somebody to play Philoctetes to his Heracles? But no; he
must roast in full concourse, at Olympia, as it might be on a stage;
and, so help me Heracles, he is not far out, if justice is to be done
on all parricides and unbelievers. Nay, if we look at it that way, this
is but dilatory work: he might have been packed into Phalaris's bull
years ago, and he would have had no more than his deserts,--a mouthful
of flame and sudden death is too good for him. For by all I can learn
burning is the quickest of deaths; a man has but to open his mouth, and
all is over.

'But I suppose what runs in his mind is the imposing spectacle of a
man being burnt alive in the holy place, in which ordinary mortality
may not so much as be buried. There was another man, once on a time,
who wanted to be famous. I dare say you have heard of him. When he
found there was no other way, he set fire to the temple of Artemis at
Ephesus. Proteus's design reminds me of that. The passion for fame must
wholly possess him, body and soul. He says, of course, that it is all
for the benefit of the human race,--to teach them to scorn death, and
to show fortitude in trying circumstances. Now I should just like to
ask you a question; it is no use asking him. How would you like it, if
the criminal classes were to profit by his lesson in fortitude, and
learn to scorn death, and burning, and so on? You would not like it at
all. Then how is Proteus going to draw the line? How is he going to
improve the honest men, without hardening and encouraging the rogues?
Suppose it even to be practicable that none should be present at the
spectacle but such as will make a good use of it. Again I ask: do you
want your sons to conceive an ambition of this sort? Of course not.
However, I need not have raised that point: not a soul, even among his
own disciples, will be caught by his enthusiasm. That is where I think
Theagenes is so much to blame: in all else he is a zealous adherent:
yet when his master sets out "to be with Heracles,"--he stops behind,
he won't go! though it is but a single header into the flames, and in a
moment endless felicity is his. It is not zeal, to have the same kind
of stick and coat and scrip as another man; any one can do that; it is
both safe and easy. Zeal must appear in the end, in the consummation:
let him get together his pyre of fig-tree faggots, as green as may
be, and gasp out his last amid the smoke! For as to merely being
burnt, Heracles and Asclepius have no monopoly there: temple-robbers
and murderers may be seen experiencing the same fate in the ordinary
course of law. Smoke is the only death, if you want to have it all to
yourselves.

'Besides, if Heracles really ever did anything so stupendous at all,
he was driven to it by frenzy; he was being consumed alive by the
Centaur's blood,--so the play tells us. But what point is there in
Proteus's throwing himself into the fire? Ah, of course: he wants to
set an example of fortitude, like the Brahmins, to whom Theagenes
thought it necessary to compare him. Well, I suppose there may be
fools and empty-headed enthusiasts in India as elsewhere? Anyhow, he
might stick to his models. The Brahmins never jump straight into the
fire: Onesicritus, Alexander's pilot, saw Calanus burn himself, and
according to him, when the pyre has been got ready, they stand quietly
roasting in front of it, and when they do get on top, there they sit,
smouldering away in a dignified manner, never budging an inch. I see
nothing so great in Proteus's just jumping in and being swallowed by
the flames. As likely as not he would jump out when he was half done;
only, as I understand, he is taking care to have the pyre in a good
deep hole.

'Some say that he is beginning to think better of it; that he reports
certain dreams, to the effect that Zeus will not suffer the holy place
to be profaned. Let him be easy on that score. I dare swear that not a
God of them will have any objection to a rogue's dying a rogue's death.
To be sure, he won't easily get out of it now. His Cynic friends egg
him on and thrust him pyre-wards; they keep his ambition aglow; there
shall be no flinching, if _they_ can help it! If Proteus would take a
couple of them with him in the fatal leap, it would be the first good
action he has ever performed.

'Not even "Proteus" will serve now, they were saying: he has changed
his name to Phoenix; that Indian bird being credited with bringing a
prolonged existence to an end upon a pyre. He tells strange tales too,
and quotes oracles--guaranteed old--to the effect that he is to be a
guardian spirit of the night. Evidently he has conceived a fancy for an
altar, and looks to have his statue set up, all of gold. And upon my
word it is as likely as not that among the simple vulgar will be found
some to declare that Proteus has cured them of the ague, and that in
the darkness they have met with the "guardian spirit of the night. "
And as the ancient Proteus, the son of Zeus, the great original, had
the gift of prophecy, I suppose these precious disciples of the modern
one will be for getting up an oracle and a shrine upon the scene of
cremation. Mark my words: we shall find we have got Protean priests
of the scourge; priests of the branding-iron; priests of some strange
thing or other; or--who knows? --nocturnal rites in his honour, with a
torchlight procession about the pyre. I heard but now, from a friend,
of Theagenes's producing a prophecy of the Sibyl on this subject: he
quoted the very words:

What time the noblest of the Cynic host
Within the Thunderer's court shall light a fire,
And leap into its midst, and thence ascend
To great Olympus--then shall all mankind,
Who eat the furrow's fruit, give honour due
To the Night-wanderer. His seat shall be
Hard by Hephaestus and lord Heracles.

That's the oracle that Theagenes says he heard from the Sibyl. Now I'll
give him one of Bacis's on the same subject. Bacis speaks very much to
the point as follows:

What time the Cynic many-named shall leap,
Stirred in his heart with mad desire for fame,
Into hot fire--then shall the Fox-dogs all,
His followers, go hence as went the Wolf.
And him that shuns Hephaestus' fiery might
Th' Achaeans all shall straightway slay with stones;
Lest, cool in courage, he essay warm words,
Stuffing with gold of usury his scrip;
For in fair Patrae he hath thrice five talents.

What say you, friends? Can Bacis turn an oracle too, as well as the
Sibyl? Apparently it is time for the esteemed followers of Proteus to
select their spots for "evaporation," as they call burning. '

A universal shout from the audience greeted this conclusion: 'Away with
them to the fire! 'tis all they are good for. ' The orator descended,
beaming.

But Nestor marked the uproar--

The shouts no sooner reached Theagenes's ears, than he was back on the
platform, bawling out all manner of scandal against the last speaker
(I don't know what this capital fellow was called). However, I left
Theagenes there, bursting with indignation, and went off to see the
games, as I heard the stewards were already on the course. So much for
Elis.

On our arrival at Olympia, we found the vestibule full of people,
all talking about Proteus. Some were inveighing against him, others
commended his purpose; and most of them had come to blows about it
when, just after the Heralds' contest, in came Proteus himself, with
a multitudinous escort, and gave us a speech, all about himself;--the
life he had lived, the risks he had run, the trials he had undergone
in the cause of philosophy. He had a great deal to say, but I heard
very little of it; there was such a crowd. Presently I began to think
I should be squeezed to death in the crush (I saw this actually happen
to several people), so off I went, having had enough of this sophist
in love with death, and his anticipatory epitaph. Thus much I heard,
however. Upon a golden life he desired to set a golden crown. He had
lived like Heracles: like Heracles he must die, and mingle with the
upper air. ''Tis my aim,' he continued, 'to benefit mankind; to teach
them how contemptible a thing is death. To this end, the world shall
be my Philoctetes. ' The simpler souls among his audience wept, crying
'Live, Proteus; live for Greece! ' Others were of sterner stuff, and
expressed hearty approval of his determination. This discomposed the
old man considerably. His idea had been that they would never let him
go near the pyre; that they would all cling about him and insist on his
continuing a compulsory existence. He had the complexion of a corpse
before: but this wholly unexpected blow of approbation made him turn
several degrees paler: he trembled--and broke off.

Conceive my amusement! Pity it was impossible to feel for such morbid
vanity: among all who have ever been afflicted with this scourge,
Proteus stands pre-eminent. However, he had a fine following, and
drank his fill of notoriety, as he gazed on the host of his admirers;
poor man! he forgot that criminals on the way to the cross, or in the
executioner's hands, have a greater escort by far.

And now the games were over. They were the best I had ever seen,
though this makes my fourth visit to Olympia. In the general rush
of departure, I got left behind, finding it impossible to procure a
conveyance.

After repeated postponements, Proteus had finally announced a late hour
of the night for his exhibition. Accordingly, at about midnight I got
up (I had found lodgings with a friend), and set out for Harpine; for
here was the pyre, just two miles and a half from Olympia, going East
along the racecourse. We found on arrival that the pyre had been placed
in a hole, about six feet deep. To ensure speedy ignition, it had been
composed chiefly of pine-torches, with brushwood stuffed in between.

As soon as the moon had risen--for her presence too was required at the
glorious spectacle--Proteus advanced, in his usual costume, accompanied
by the chiefs of the Cynics; conspicuous among them came the pride of
Patrae, torch in hand; nobly qualified for the part he was to play.
Proteus too had his torch. They drew near to the pyre, and kindled it
at several points; as it contained nothing but torches and brushwood,
a fine blaze was the result. Then Proteus--are you attending,
Cronius? --Proteus threw aside his scrip, and cloak, and club--his club
of Heracles--and stood before us in scrupulously unclean linen. He
demanded frankincense, to throw upon the fire; being supplied he first
threw it on, then, turning to the South (another tragic touch, this
of the South), he exclaimed: 'Gods of my mother, Gods of my father,
receive me with favour. ' And with these words he leapt into the pyre.
There was nothing more to be seen, however; the towering mass of flames
enveloped him completely.

Again, sweet sir, you smile over the conclusion of my tragedy. As for
me, I saw nothing much in his appealing to his mother's Gods, but when
he included his _father's_ in the invocation, I laughed outright; it
reminded me of the parricide story. The Cynics stood dry-eyed about the
pyre, gazing upon the flames in silent manifestation of their grief.
At last, when I was half dead with suppressed laughter, I addressed
them. 'Intelligent sirs,' I said, 'let us go away. No pleasure is to be
derived from seeing an old man roasted, and there is a horrible smell
of burning. Are you waiting for some painter to come along and take a
sketch of you, to match the pictures of Socrates in prison, with his
companions at his side? ' They were very angry and abusive at first, and
some took to their sticks: but when I threatened to pick a few of them
up and throw them on to the fire to keep their master company, they
quieted down and peace was restored.

Curious reflections were running in my mind, Cronius, as I made my way
back. 'How strange a thing is this same ambition! ' I said to myself;
''tis the one irresistible passion; irresistible to the noblest of
mankind, as we account them,--how much more to such as Proteus, whose
wild, foolish life may well end upon the pyre! ' At this point I met
a number of people coming out to assist at the spectacle, thinking
to find Proteus still alive; for among the various rumours of the
preceding day, one had been, that before entering the fire he was
to greet the rising sun, which to be sure is said to be the Brahmin
practice. Most of them turned back when I told them that all was
over; all but those enthusiasts who could not rest without seeing the
identical spot, and snatching some relic from the flames. After this,
you may be sure, my work was cut out for me: I had to tell them all
about it, and to undergo a minute cross-examination from everybody.
If it was some one I liked the look of, I confined myself to plain
prose, as in the present narrative: but for the benefit of the curious
simple, I put in a few dramatic touches on my own account. No sooner
had Proteus thrown himself upon the kindled pyre, than there was a
tremendous earthquake, I informed them; the ground rumbled beneath us;
and a vulture flew out from the midst of the flames, and away into the
sky, exclaiming in human accents

'I rise from Earth, I seek Olympus. '

They listened with amazement and shuddering reverence. 'Did the vulture
fly East or West? ' they wanted to know. I answered whichever came
uppermost.

On getting back to Olympia, I stopped to listen to an old man who was
giving an account of these proceedings; a credible witness, if ever
there was one, to judge by his long beard and dignified appearance in
general. He told us, among other things, that only a short time before,
just after the cremation, Proteus had appeared to him in white raiment;
and that he had now left him walking with serene countenance in the
Colonnade of Echoes, crowned with olive; and on the top of all this he
brought in the vulture, solemnly swore that he had seen it himself
flying away from the pyre,--my own vulture, which I had but just let
fly, as a satire on crass stupidity!

Only think what work we shall have with him hereafter! Significant
bees will settle on the spot; grasshoppers beyond calculation will
chirrup; crows will perch there, as over Hesiod's grave,--and all the
rest of it. As for statues, several, I know, are to be put up at once,
by Elis and other places, to which, I understand, he had sent letters.
These letters, they say, were dispatched to almost all cities of any
importance: they contain certain exhortations and schemes of reform, as
it were a legacy. Certain of his followers were specially appointed by
him for this service: _Couriers to the Grave_ and _Grand Deputies of
the Shades_ were to be their titles.

Such was the end of this misguided man; one who, to give his character
in a word, never to his last day suffered his gaze to rest on Truth;
whose words, whose actions had but one aim,--notoriety and vulgar
applause. 'Twas the love of applause that drove him to the pyre, where
applause could no longer reach his ears, nor gratify his vanity.

One anecdote, and I have done; it will keep you in amusement for some
time to come. I told you long ago, on my return from Syria, how I had
come on the same ship with him from Troas, and what airs he put on
during the voyage, and about the handsome youth whom he converted to
Cynicism, by way of having an Alcibiades all of his own, and how he
woke up one night in mid-ocean to find a storm breaking on us, and a
heavy sea rolling, and how the superb philosopher, for whom Death had
no terrors, was found wailing among the women. All that you know. But
a short time before his death, about a week or so, he had a little
too much for dinner, I suppose, and was taken ill in the night, and
had a sharp attack of fever. Alexander was the physician called in
to attend him, and it was from him I got the story. He said he found
Proteus rolling on the ground, unable to endure the fever, and making
passionate demands for water. Alexander said no to this: and he told
him that if he really wanted to die, here was death, unbidden, at his
very door; he had only to attend the summons; there was no need of a
pyre. 'No, no,' says Proteus; 'any one may die that way; there's no
distinction in it. '

So much for Alexander. I myself, not so long ago, saw Proteus with some
irritant rubbed on his eyes to purge them of rheum. Evidently we are
to infer that there is no admission for blear eyes in the kingdom of
Aeacus. 'Twas as if a man on the way to be crucified were to concern
himself about a sprained finger. Think if Democritus had seen all this!
How would he have taken it? The laughing philosopher might have done
justice to Proteus. I doubt, indeed, whether he ever had such a good
excuse for his mirth.

Be that as it may, you, my friend, shall have your laugh; especially
when you hear Proteus's name mentioned with admiration.

F.

FOOTNOTES:

[5] The allusion to Dionysus is unexplained. The Greek requires a fiery
_death_, not the fiery _birth_, for which see _Dionysus_ and _Semele_
in Notes.

[6] See _Herodes Atticus_ in Notes.




THE RUNAWAYS


_Apollo. Zeus. Philosophy. Heracles. Hermes. Three Masters.
An Innkeeper. Orpheus. Innkeeper's Wife. Three Runaway
Slaves. _

_Apol. _ Father, is this true, about a man's publicly throwing himself
upon a pyre, at the Olympian Games? He was quite an old man, it seems,
and rather a good hand at anything in the sensational line. Selene told
us about it: she says she actually saw him burning.

_Zeus. _ Quite true, my boy; only too true!

_Apol. _ Oh? the old gentleman deserved a better fate?

_Zeus. _ Why, as to that, I dare say he did. But I was alluding to the
smell, which incommoded me extremely; the odour of roast man, I need
hardly tell you, is far from pleasant. I made the best of my way to
Arabia at once, or, upon my word, those awful fumes would have been the
death of me. Even in that fragrant land of frankincense and spices I
could scarcely get the villanous stench out of my nostrils; the mere
recollection of it makes me feel queer.

_Apol. _ But what was his object, father? Was there anything to be got
by jumping on to a pyre, and being converted to cinders?

_Zeus. _ Ah, if you come to that, you must call Empedocles to account
first: _he_ jumped into a crater, in Sicily.

_Apol. _ Poor fellow! he must have been in a sad way. But what was the
inducement in the present case?

_Zeus. _ I'll quote you his own words. He made a speech, explaining his
motives to the public. As far as I remember, he said--but who comes
here in such haste? There must be something wrong: she is crying; some
one has been ill-treating her. Why, it is Philosophy, in a sad way,
calling out to me. Why are you crying, child? and what brings you here,
away from the world?
More misdeeds of the ignorant herd? a repetition
of the Socrates and Anytus affair? is that it?

_Phi. _ No, father, nothing of that kind. The common people
have been most polite and respectful; they are my most devout
admirers,--worshippers, I might almost say; not that they understand
much of what I tell them. No; it was those--I don't know what to call
them--but the people who pretend to be on such friendly terms with me,
and are always using my name;--the wretches!

_Zeus. _ Oh, it's the philosophers who have been misbehaving themselves?

_Phi. _ No, no, father; they have been just as badly treated as I have.

_Zeus. _ Then if it is neither the philosophers nor the common people,
who is it that you complain of?

_Phi. _ There are some people who are between the two: they are not
philosophers, and yet they are not like the rest of mankind. They are
got up to look like philosophers; they have the dress, the walk, the
expression; they call me mistress, write philosopher after their names,
and declare themselves my disciples and followers: but they are evil
men, made up of folly and impudence and wickedness; a disgrace to my
name. It was their misconduct that drove me away.

_Zeus. _ Poor child! it is too bad of them. And what have they been
doing to you exactly?

_Phi. _ Judge for yourself whether the provocation was a slight one.
When formerly you looked down upon the world, and saw that it was
filled with iniquity and transgression, and was become the troubled
abode of sin and folly, you had compassion on the frailty of ignorant
mankind, and sent me down to them: you bade me see to it, that
wickedness and violence and brutality should cease from among them; I
was to lift their eyes upwards to the truth, and cause them to live
together in unity. Remember your words on that occasion: 'Behold, my
daughter, the misdeeds of mankind; behold how ignorance has wrought
upon them. I feel compassion for them, and have chosen you from among
all the Gods to heal their ills; for who else should heal them? '

_Zeus. _ I said that, and more. Yes? and how did they receive you at
your first descent? and what is the trouble now?

_Phi. _ My first flight was not directed towards Greece. I thought it
best to begin with the hardest part of my task, which I took to be
the instruction of the barbarians. With the Greeks I anticipated no
difficulty; I had supposed that they would accept my yoke without
hesitation. First, then, I went to the Indians, the mightiest nation
upon earth. I had little trouble in persuading them to descend
from their elephants and follow me. The Brahmins, who dwell between
Oxydracae and the country of the Nechrei, are mine to a man: they live
according to my laws, and are respected by all their neighbours; and
the manner of their death is truly wonderful.

_Zeus. _ Ah, to be sure: the Gymnosophists. I have heard a great deal of
them. Among other things, they ascend gigantic pyres, and sit quietly
burning to death without moving a muscle. However, that is no such
great matter: I saw it done at Olympia only the other day. You would be
there, no doubt,--when that old man burnt himself?

_Phi. _ No, father: I was afraid to go near Olympia, on account of
those hateful men I was telling you of; I saw that numbers of them
were going there, to make their barking clamour heard in the temple,
and to abuse all comers. Accordingly I know nothing of this cremation.
But to continue: after I had left the Brahmins, I went straight to
Ethiopia, and thence to Egypt, where I associated with the priests and
prophets, and taught them of the Gods. Then to Babylon, to instruct
the Chaldaeans and Mages. Next came Scythia, and after Scythia,
Thrace; here Eumolpus and Orpheus were my companions. I sent them on
into Greece before me; Eumolpus, whom I had thoroughly instructed in
theology, was to institute the sacred mysteries, Orpheus to win men by
the power of music. I followed close behind them. On my first arrival,
the Greeks received me without enthusiasm: they did not, however,
wholly reject my advances; by slow degrees I gained over seven men to
be my companions and disciples, and Samos, Ephesus, and Abdera,[7] each
added one to the little company. And then there sprang up--I scarce
know how--the tribe of sophists: men who had but little of my spirit,
yet were not wholly alien to me; a motley Centaur breed, in whom vanity
and wisdom meeting were moulded into one incongruous whole. They
clung not entirely to ignorance, but theirs was not the steady eye
that could meet the gaze of Philosophy; and if at moments my semblance
flashed phantom-like across their dulled vision, they held that in that
dim shadow they had seen all that was to be seen. It was this pride
that nourished the vain, unprofitable science that they mistook for
invincible wisdom; the science of quaint conceits, ingenious paradoxes,
and labyrinthine dilemmas. My followers would have restrained them, and
exposed their errors: but they grew angry, and conspired against them,
and in the end brought them under the power of the law, which condemned
them to drink of hemlock. Doubtless I should have done well to renounce
humanity there and then, and take my flight: but Antisthenes and
Diogenes, and after them Crates, and our friend Menippus, prevailed
upon me to tarry yet a little longer. Would that I had never yielded! I
should have been spared much pain in the sequel.

_Zeus. _ But, my dear, you are merely giving way to your feelings,
instead of telling me what your wrongs were.

_Phi. _ Then hear them, father. There is a vile race upon the earth,
composed for the most part of serfs and menials, creatures whose
occupations have never suffered them to become acquainted with
philosophy; whose earliest years have been spent in the drudgery
of the fields, in learning those base arts for which they are most
fitted--the fuller's trade, the joiner's, the cobbler's--or in carding
wool, that housewives may have ease in their spinning, and the thread
be fit for warp and woof. Thus employed, they knew not in their youth
so much as the name of Philosophy. But they had no sooner reached
manhood, than they perceived the respect paid to my followers; how
men submitted to their blunt speech, valued their advice, deferred to
their judgement, and cowered beneath their censure; all this they saw,
and held that here was a life for a king. The learning, indeed, that
befits a philosopher would have taken them long to acquire, if it was
not utterly out of their reach. On the other hand, their own miserly
handicrafts barely rewarded their toil with a sufficiency. To some,
too, servitude was in itself an oppression: they knew it, in fact,
for the intolerable thing it is. But they bethought them that there
was still one chance left; their sheet-anchor, as sailors say. They
took refuge with my lady Folly, called in the assistance of Boldness,
Ignorance, and Impudence, ever their untiring coadjutors, and provided
themselves with a stock of bran-new invectives; these they have ever
ready on their tongues; 'tis their sole equipment; noble provision, is
it not, for a philosopher? Nothing could be more plausible than the
philosophic disguise they now assume, reminding one of the fabled ass
of Cyme, in Aesop, who clothed himself in a lion's skin, and, stoutly
braying, sought to play the lion's part; the beast, I doubt not, had
his adherents. The externals of philosophy, as you know, are easily
aped: it is a simple matter to assume the cloak and wallet, walk with
a stick, and bawl, and bark, and bray, against all comers. They know
that they are safe; their cloth protects them. Liberty is thus within
their grasp: no need to ask their master's leave; should he attempt
to reclaim them, their sticks are at his service. No more short
commons for them now, no more of crusts whose dryness is mitigated
only by herbs or salt fish: they have choice of meats, drink the best
of wines, and take money where they will, _shearing the sheep_, as
they call it when they levy contributions, in the certainty that many
will give, from respect to their garb or fear of their tongues. They
foresee, of course, that they will be on the same footing as genuine
philosophers; so long as their exterior is conformable, no one is
likely to make critical distinctions. They take care not to risk
exposure: at the first hint of a rational argument, they shout their
opponent down, withdraw into the stronghold of personal abuse, and
flourish their ever-ready cudgels. Question their practice, and you
will hear much of their principles: offer to examine those principles,
and you are referred to their conduct. The city swarms with these
vermin, particularly with those who profess the tenets of Diogenes,
Antisthenes, and Crates. Followers of the Dog, they care little to
excel in the canine virtues; they are neither trusty guardians nor
affectionate, faithful servants: but for noise and greed and thievery
and wantonness, for cringing, fawning cupboard-love,--there, indeed,
they are perfect. Before long you will see every trade at a standstill,
the workmen all at large: for every man of them knows that, whilst he
is bent over his work from morning to night, toiling and drudging for
a starvation wage, idle impostors are living in the midst of plenty,
commanding charity where they will, with no word of thanks to the
giver, and a curse on him that withholds the gift. Surely (he will say
to himself) the golden age is returned, and the heavens shall rain
honey into my mouth.

And would that that were all! But they have other ways of bringing
discredit upon us, besides the baseness of their origin. When beauty
comes within the reach of these grave and reverend gentlemen, they are
guilty of excesses that I will not pollute my lips with mentioning.
They have been known, like Trojan Paris, to seduce the wives of their
own hosts, and to quote the authority of Plato for leaving these fair
converts at the disposal of all their acquaintance; they little knew
the true meaning of that inspired philosopher's community of women. I
will not tire you with a description of their drunken orgies; observe,
however, that these are the men who preach against drunkenness and
adultery and avarice and lewdness. Could any contrast be greater
than that presented by their words and their deeds? They speak their
detestation of flattery: a Gnathonides and a Struthias are less fulsome
than they. They bid men tell the truth: yet their own tongues cannot
move but to utter lies. To hear them, you would say they were at war
with pleasure, and Epicurus their bitterest foe: yet nothing do they do
but for pleasure's sake. Querulous, irritable, passionate as cradled
babes, they are a derision to the beholder; the veriest trifle serves
to move their ire, to bring the purple to their cheeks, ungoverned fury
to their eyes, foam--call it rather venom--to their lips. Preserve me
from their turbid rantings! _Gold I ask not, nor silver; be one penny
all my wealth, to purchase beans withal. And for my drink, a river, a
spring, shall furnish me. _ But presently it turns out that what they
want is not pence, nor shillings, but whole fortunes. He must be a
thriving merchant, whose cargoes will bring him in such profits as
these men suck out of philosophy. They are sufficiently provided at
last, and then off goes the hated uniform: lands and houses are bought,
and soft raiment, and comely pages. Inquire of them now for Crates's
wallet, Antisthenes's cloak, Diogenes's tub: they know nothing of the
matter. When men see these things, they spit in the face of philosophy;
they think that all philosophers are the same, and blame me their
teacher. It is long since I have won over any to my side. I toil like
Penelope at the loom, and one moment undoes all that I have done.
Ignorance and Wickedness watch my unavailing labours, and smile.

_Zeus. _ Really, Philosophy has been shamefully treated. We must take
some measures with these rascals. Let us think what is to be done. The
single stroke of the thunderbolt is too quick a death.

_Apol. _ Father, I have a suggestion to make. By their neglect of the
Muses, these vile quacks have incurred my own resentment as well as
Philosophy's. They are not worthy to die by your hand. Instead, I would
advise your sending Hermes to them, with full authority to punish them
at his discretion. With his forensic experience, he will be at no
loss to distinguish between the true philosopher and the false. The
former will receive merited praise: on the latter he will inflict such
chastisement as the circumstances demand.

_Zeus. _ A sensible proposal. Heracles, you can go too; take Philosophy
with you, and lose no time. Think: this will make your thirteenth
Labour, and a creditable one too, the extermination of these reptiles.

_Hera. _ Rather than meddle with them, I would give the Augean stables a
second clean-out. However, let us be starting, Philosophy.

_Phi. _ If I must, I must.

_Her. _ Yes, come along, and we will polish off a few to-day. --Which
way, Philosophy? You know where they are to be found. Somewhere in
Greece, of course?

_Phi. _ Oh no; the few that there are in Greece are genuine
philosophers. Attic poverty is not at all to the liking of the
impostors; we must look for them in places where gold and silver mines
abound.

_Her. _ Straight to Thrace, then?

_Hera. _ Yes, Thrace, and I will show you the way. I know every inch of
Thrace; I have been there so often. Look here, this is our route.

_Her. _ Yes?

_Hera. _ You see those two magnificent mountains (the big one is Haemus,
and the other Rhodope), and the fertile plain that spreads between
them, running to the very foot of either? Those three grand, rugged
crests that stand out so proudly yonder form as it were a triple
citadel to the city that lies beneath; you can see it now, look.

_Her. _ Superb! A queen among cities; her splendours reach us even here.
And what is the great river that flows so close beneath the walls?

_Hera. _ The Hebrus, and the city was built by Philip. Well, we have
left the clouds behind us now; let us try our fortune on _terra firma_.

_Her. _ Very good; and what comes next? How do we hunt our vermin down?

_Hera. _ Ah, that is where you come in, Mr. Crier: oblige us by crying
them without loss of time.

_Her. _ There is only one objection to that: I do not know what they are
called. What names am I to say, Philosophy? and how shall I describe
them?

_Phi. _ I am not sure of their names, as I have never come into contact
with them. To judge from their grasping propensities, however, you
can hardly go wrong with Cteso, Ctesippus, Ctesicles, Euctemon,
Polyctetus[8].

_Her. _ To be sure. But who are these men? They seem to be looking for
something too. Why, they are coming up to speak to us.

_Innkeeper and Masters. _ Excuse us, madam, and gentlemen, but have
you come across a company of three rascals conducting a woman--a very
masculine-looking female, with hair cut short in the Spartan fashion?

_Phi. _ Ha! the very people we are looking for!

_Masters. _ Indeed, madam? But these are three runaway slaves. The woman
was kidnapped by them, and we want to get her back.

_Her. _ _Our_ business with them I will tell you afterwards. For the
present, let us make a joint proclamation.

Disappeared. A Paphlagonian slave, formerly of Sinope. Any person
giving information as to his whereabouts will be rewarded; the amount
of the reward to be fixed by the informant. Description. Name: begins
with CTE. Complexion: sallow. Hair: close-cropped, with long beard.

Dress: a coarse cloak with wallet. Temper: bad. Education: none. Voice:
harsh. Manner: offensive.

_First Master. _ Why, what is all this about? His name used to be
Cantharus when he was with me. He had long hair, and no beard, and was
apprenticed to my trade; I am a fuller, and he was in my shop, dressing
cloth.

_Phi. _ Yes, it is the same; but he has dressed to some purpose this
time, and has become a philosopher.

_First Master.