No More Learning

FIRST CITIZEN. But if admission is forbidden you?

SECOND CITIZEN. I shall duck my head and slip in.

FIRST CITIZEN. And if the women have you beaten?

SECOND CITIZEN. I shall summon them.

FIRST CITIZEN. And if they laugh you in the face?

SECOND CITIZEN. I shall stand near the door . . .

FIRST CITIZEN. And then?

SECOND CITIZEN. . . . and seize upon the dishes as they pass.

FIRST CITIZEN. Then go there, but after me. Sicon and Parmeno,[715] pick
up all the baggage.

SECOND CITIZEN. Come, I will help you carry it.

FIRST CITIZEN. No, no, I should be afraid of your pretending to the
leader that what I am depositing belonged to you.

SECOND CITIZEN. Let me see! let me think of some good trick by which I
can keep my goods and yet take my share of the common feast. Ha! that's a
good notion! Quick! I'll go and dine, ha, ha! [_Exit laughing_.

FIRST OLD WOMAN. How is this? no men are coming? And yet it must be fully
time! 'Tis then for naught that I have painted myself with white lead,
dressed myself in my beautiful yellow robe, and that I am here,
frolicking and humming between my teeth to attract some passer-by! Oh,
Muses, alight upon my lips, inspire me with some soft Ionian love-song!

A YOUNG GIRL. You rotten old thing, you have placed yourself at the
window before me. You were expecting to strip my vines during my absence
and to trap some man in your snares with your songs. If you sing, I shall
follow suit; all this singing will weary the spectators, but is
nevertheless very pleasant and very diverting.

FIRST OLD WOMAN. Ha! here is an old man; take him and lead him away. As
for you, you young flute-player, let us hear some airs that are worthy of
you and me. Let him who wishes to taste pleasure come to my side. These
young things know nothing about it; 'tis only the women of ripe age who
understand the art of love, and no one could know how to fondle the lover
who possessed me so well as myself; the young girls are all flightiness.

YOUNG GIRL. Don't be jealous of the young girls; voluptuousness resides
in the pure outline of their beautiful limbs and blossoms on their
rounded bosoms; but you, old woman, you who are tricked out and perfumed
as if for your own funeral, are an object of love only for grim Death
himself.

FIRST OLD WOMAN. May your hole be stopped; may you be unable to find your
couch when you want to be fucked. And on your couch, when your lips seek
a lover, may you embrace only a viper!

YOUNG GIRL. Alas! alas! what is to become of me? There is no lover! I am
left here alone; my mother has gone out and the rest care little for me.
Oh! my dear nurse, I adjure you to call Orthagoras, and may heaven bless
you.

FIRST OLD WOMAN. Ah! poor child, desire is consuming you like an Ionian
woman; I think you are no stranger to the wanton arts of the Lesbian
women, but you shall not rob me of my pleasures; you will not be able to
reduce or filch the time that first belongs to me, for your own gain.
Sing as much as you please, peep out like a cat lying in wait, but none
shall pass through your door without first having been to see me.

YOUNG GIRL. If anyone enter your house, 'twill be to carry out your
corpse.

FIRST OLD WOMAN. That's new to me.

YOUNG GIRL. What! you rotten wretch, can anything be new to an old hag
like you?

FIRST OLD WOMAN. My old age will not harm you.

YOUNG GIRL. Ah! shame on your painted cheeks!

FIRST OLD WOMAN. Why do you speak to me at all?

YOUNG GIRL. And why do you place yourself at the window?

FIRST OLD WOMAN. I am singing to myself about my lover, Epigenes.

YOUNG GIRL. Can you have any other lover than that old fop Geres?

FIRST OLD WOMAN. Epigenes will show you that himself, for he is coming to
me. See, here he is.

YOUNG GIRL. He's not thinking of you in the least, you old witch.

FIRST OLD WOMAN. Aye, but he is, you little pest.

YOUNG GIRL. Let's see what he will do. I will leave my window.

FIRST OLD WOMAN. And I likewise. You will see I am not far wrong.

A YOUNG MAN. Ah! could I but sleep with the young girl without first
satisfying the old flat-nose! 'Tis intolerable for a free-born man.

FIRST OLD WOMAN. Willy nilly, you must first gratify my desire. There
shall be no nonsense about that, for my authority is the law and the law
must be obeyed in a democracy. But come, let me hide, to see what he's
going to do.

YOUNG MAN. Ah! ye gods, if I were to find the sweet child alone! for the
wine has fired my lust.

YOUNG GIRL. I have tricked that cursed old wretch; she has left her
window, thinking I would stay at home.

FIRST OLD WOMAN. Ah! here is the lover we were talking of. This way, my
love, this way, come here and haste to rest the whole night in my arms. I
worship your lovely curly hair; I am consumed with ardent desire. Oh!
Eros, in thy mercy, compel him to my bed.

YOUNG MAN (_standing beneath the young girl's window and singing_). [716]
Come down and haste to open the door unless you want to see me fall dead
with desire. Dearest treasure, I am burning to yield myself to most
voluptuous sport, lying on your bosom, to let my hands play with your
buttocks. Aphrodite, why dost thou fire me with such delight in her? Oh!
Eros, I beseech thee, have mercy and make her share my couch. Words
cannot express the tortures I am suffering. Oh! my adored one, I adjure
you, open your door for me and press me to your heart; 'tis for you that
I am suffering. Oh! my jewel, my idol, you child of Aphrodite, the
confidante of the Muses, the sister of the Graces, you living picture of
Voluptuousness, oh! open for me, press me to your heart, 'tis for you
that I am suffering.

FIRST OLD WOMAN. Are you knocking? Is it I you seek?

YOUNG MAN. What an idea!

FIRST OLD WOMAN. But you were tapping at the door.

YOUNG MAN. Death would be sweeter.

FIRST OLD WOMAN. Why do you come with that torch in your hand?

YOUNG MAN. I am looking for a man from Anaphlystia. [717]

FIRST OLD WOMAN. What's his name?

YOUNG MAN. Oh! 'tis not Sebinus,[718] whom no doubt you are expecting.

FIRST OLD WOMAN. By Aphrodite, you _must_, whether you like it or not.

YOUNG MAN. We are not now concerned with cases dated sixty years back;
they are remanded for a later day; we are dealing only with those of less
than twenty. [719]

FIRST OLD WOMAN. That was under the old order of things, sweetheart, but
now you must first busy yourself with us.

YOUNG MAN. Aye, _if I want to_, according to the rules of draughts, where
we may either take or leave.

FIRST OLD WOMAN. But 'tis not according to the rules of draughts that you
take your seat at the banquet. [720]

YOUNG MAN. I don't know what you mean; 'tis at this door I want to knock.

FIRST OLD WOMAN. Not before knocking at mine first.

YOUNG MAN. For the moment I really have no need for old leather.

FIRST OLD WOMAN. I know that you love me; perhaps you are surprised to
find me at the door. But come, let me kiss you.

YOUNG MAN. No, no, my dear, I am afraid of your lover.

FIRST OLD WOMAN. Of whom?

YOUNG MAN. The most gifted of painters.

FIRST OLD WOMAN. Why, whom do you mean to speak of?

YOUNG MAN. The artist who paints the little bottles on coffins. [721] But
get you indoors, lest he should find you at the door.

FIRST OLD WOMAN. I know what you want.

YOUNG MAN. I can say as much of you.

FIRST OLD WOMAN. By Aphrodite, who has granted me this good chance, I
won't let you go.

YOUNG MAN. You are drivelling, you little old hag.

FIRST OLD WOMAN. Rubbish! I am going to lead you to my couch.

YOUNG MAN. What need for buying hooks? I will let her down to the bottom
of the well and pull up the buckets with her old carcase, for she's
crooked enough for that.

FIRST OLD WOMAN. A truce to your jeering, poor boy, and follow me.

YOUNG MAN.
Nothing compels me to do so, unless you have paid the levy of
five hundredths for me. [722]

FIRST OLD WOMAN. Look, by Aphrodite, there is nothing that delights me as
much as sleeping with a lad of your years.

YOUNG MAN. And I abhor such as you, and I will never, never consent.

FIRST OLD WOMAN. But, by Zeus, here is something will force you to it.

YOUNG MAN. What's that?

FIRST OLD WOMAN. A decree, which orders you to enter my house.

YOUNG MAN. Read it out then, and let's hear.

FIRST OLD WOMAN. Listen. "The women have decreed, that if a young man
desires a young girl, he can only possess her after having satisfied an
old woman; and if he refuses and goes to seek the maiden, the old women
are authorized to seize him by his privates and so drag him in. "

YOUNG MAN. Alas! I shall become a Procrustes. [723]

FIRST OLD WOMAN. Obey the law.

YOUNG MAN. But if a fellow-citizen, a friend, came to pay my ransom?

FIRST OLD WOMAN. No man may dispose of anything above a medimnus. [724]

YOUNG MAN. But may I not enter an excuse?

FIRST OLD WOMAN. There's no evasion.

YOUNG MAN. I shall declare myself a merchant and so escape service. [725]

FIRST OLD WOMAN. Beware what you do!

YOUNG MAN. Well! what is to be done?

FIRST OLD WOMAN. Follow me.

YOUNG MAN. Is it absolutely necessary?

FIRST OLD WOMAN. Yes, as surely as if Diomedes had commanded it. [726]

YOUNG MAN. Well then, first spread out a layer of origanum[727] upon four
pieces of wood; bind fillets round your head, bring phials of scent and
place a bowl filled with lustral water before your door. [728]

FIRST OLD WOMAN. Will you buy a chaplet for me too?

YOUNG MAN. Aye, if you outlast the tapers; for I expect to see you fall
down dead as you go in.

YOUNG GIRL. Where are you dragging this unfortunate man to?

FIRST OLD WOMAN. 'Tis my very own property that I am leading in.

YOUNG GIRL. You do ill. A young fellow like him is not of the age to suit
you. You ought to be his mother rather than his wife. With these laws in
force, the earth will be filled with Oedipuses. [729]

FIRST OLD WOMAN. Oh! you cursed pest! 'tis envy that makes you say this;
but I will be revenged.

YOUNG MAN. By Zeus the Deliverer, what a service you have done me, by
freeing me of this old wretch! with what ardour I will show you my
gratitude in a form both long and thick!

SECOND OLD WOMAN. Hi! you there! where are you taking that young man to,
in spite of the law? The decree ordains that he must first sleep with me.

YOUNG MAN. Oh! what a misfortune! Where does _this_ hag come from? 'Tis a
more frightful monster than the other even.

SECOND OLD WOMAN. Come here.

YOUNG MAN (_to the young girl_). Oh! I adjure you, don't let me be led
off by her!

SECOND OLD WOMAN. 'Tis not I; 'tis the law that leads you off.

YOUNG MAN. No, 'tis not the law, but an Empusa[730] with a body covered
with blemishes and blotches.

SECOND OLD WOMAN. Follow me, my handsome little friend, come along quick
without any more ado.

YOUNG MAN. Oh! let me first do the needful, so that I may gather my wits
somewhat. Else I should be so terrified that you would see me letting out
something yellow.

SECOND OLD WOMAN. Never mind! you can stool, if you want, in my house.

YOUNG MAN. Oh! I fear doing more than I want to; but I offer you two good
securities.

SECOND OLD WOMAN. I don't require them.

THIRD OLD WOMAN. Hi! friend, where are you off to with that woman?

YOUNG MAN. I am not going with her, but am being dragged by force. Oh!
whoever you are, may heaven bless you for having had pity on me in my
dire misfortune. (_Turns round and sees the Third Old Woman. _) Oh
Heracles! oh Heracles! oh Pan! Oh ye Corybantes! oh ye Dioscuri! Why, she
is still more awful! Oh! what a monster! great gods! Are you an ape
plastered with white lead, or the ghost of some old hag returned from the
dark borderlands of death?

THIRD OLD WOMAN. No jesting! Follow me.

SECOND OLD WOMAN. No, come this way.

THIRD OLD WOMAN. I will never let you go.

SECOND OLD WOMAN. Nor will I.

YOUNG MAN. But you will rend me asunder, you cursed wretches.

SECOND OLD WOMAN. 'Tis I he must go with according to the law.

THIRD OLD WOMAN. Not if an uglier old woman than yourself appears.

YOUNG MAN. But if you kill me at the outset, how shall I afterwards go to
find this beautiful girl of mine?

THIRD OLD WOMAN. That's your business. But begin by obeying.

YOUNG MAN. Of which one must I rid myself first?

SECOND OLD WOMAN. Don't you know? Come here.

YOUNG MAN. Then let the other one release me.

THIRD OLD WOMAN. Come to my house.

YOUNG MAN. If this dame will let me go.

SECOND OLD WOMAN. No, by all the gods, I'll not let you go.

THIRD OLD WOMAN. Nor will I.

YOUNG MAN. You would make very bad boatwomen.

SECOND OLD WOMAN. Why?

YOUNG MAN. Because you would tear your passengers to pieces in dragging
them on board.

SECOND OLD WOMAN. Then come along, do, and hold your tongue.

THIRD OLD WOMAN. No, by Zeus, come with me.

YOUNG MAN. 'Tis clearly a case of the decree of Cannonus;[731] I must cut
myself in two in order to fuck you both. But how am I to work two oars at
once?

SECOND OLD WOMAN. Easily enough; you have only to eat a full pot of
onions. [732]

YOUNG MAN. Oh! great gods! here I am close to the door and being dragged
in!

THIRD OLD WOMAN (_to Second Old Woman_). You will gain nothing by this,
for I shall rush into your house with you.

YOUNG MAN. Oh, no! no! 'twould be better to suffer a single misfortune
than two.

THIRD OLD WOMAN. Ah! by Hecate, 'twill be all the same whether you wish
it or not.

YOUNG MAN. What a fate is mine, that I must gratify such a stinking
harridan the whole night through and all day; then, when I am rid of her,
I have still to tackle a hag of brick-colour hue! Am I not truly
unfortunate? Ah! by Zeus the Deliverer! under what fatal star must I have
been born, that I must sail in company with such monsters! But if my bark
sinks in the sewer of these strumpets, may I be buried at the very
threshold of the door; let this hag be stood upright on my grave, let her
be coated alive with pitch and her legs covered with molten lead up to
the ankles, and let her be set alight as a funeral lamp.

A SERVANT-MAID TO PRAXAGORA (_she comes from the banquet_). What
happiness is the people's! what joy is mine, and above all that of my
mistress! Happy are ye, who form choruses before our house! Happy all ye,
both neighbours and fellow-citizens! Happy am I myself! I am but a
servant, and yet I have poured on my hair the most exquisite essences.
Let thanks be rendered to thee, oh, Zeus! But a still more delicious
aroma is that of the wine of Thasos; its sweet bouquet delights the
drinker for a long enough, whereas the others lose their bloom and vanish
quickly. Therefore, long life to the wine-jars of Thasos! Pour yourselves
out unmixed wine, it will cheer you the whole night through, if you
choose the liquor that possesses most fragrance. But tell me, friends,
where is my mistress's husband?

CHORUS. Wait for him here; he will no doubt pass this way.

MAID-SERVANT. Ah!