No More Learning

As freely tell me, of what honour was
This Cressida in Troy? had she no lovers there,
Who mourn her absence?

_Troil. _ O sir, to such as boasting show their scars,
Reproof is due: she loved and was beloved;
That's all I must impart. Lead on, my lord.
[_Exeunt_ ULYSSES _and_ TROILUS.

_Achil. _ [_To_ PATRO. ]
I'll heat his blood with Greekish wine to-night,
Which with my sword I mean to cool to-morrow.
Patroclus, let us feast him to the height.

_Enter_ THERSITES.

_Patro. _ Here comes Thersites.

_Achil. _ How now, thou core of envy,
Thou crusty batch of nature, what's the news?

_Thers. _ Why, thou picture of what thou seemest, thou idol of ideot
worshippers, there's a letter for thee.

_Achil. _ From whence, fragment?

_Thers. _ Why, thou full dish of fool, from Troy.

_Patro. _ Well said, adversity! what makes thee so keen to-day?

_Thers. _ Because a fool's my whetstone.

_Patro. _ Meaning me?

_Thers. _ Yes, meaning thy no meaning; pr'ythee, be silent, boy, I
profit not by thy talk. Now the rotten diseases of the south,
gut-gripings, ruptures, catarrhs, loads of gravel in the back,
lethargies, cold palsies, and the like, take thee, and take thee
again! thou green sarcenet flap for a sore eye, thou tassel of a
prodigal's purse, thou! Ah how the poor world is pestered with such
water-flies, such diminutives of nature!

_Achil. _ My dear Patroclus, I am quite prevented
From my great purpose, bent on Hector's life.
Here is a letter from my love Polyxena,
Both taxing and engaging me to keep
An oath that I have sworn; and will not break it
To save all Greece. Let honour go or stay,
There's more religion in my love than fame.
[_Exeunt_ ACHILLES _and_ PATROCLUS.

_Thers. _ With too much blood, and too little brain, these two are
running mad before the dog-days. There's Agamemnon, too, an honest
fellow enough, and loves a brimmer heartily; but he has not so much
brains as an old gander. But his brother Menelaus, there's a fellow!
the goodly transformation of Jupiter when he loved Europa; the
primitive cuckold; a vile monkey tied eternally to his brother's
tail,--to be a dog, a mule, a cat, a toad, an owl, a lizard, a herring
without a roe, I would not care; but to be Menelaus, I would conspire
against destiny. --Hey day! Will with a Wisp, and Jack a Lanthorn!

HECTOR, AJAX, AGAMEMNON, DIOMEDE, ULYSSES, TROILUS, _going with
Torches over the Stage. _

_Agam. _ We go wrong, we go wrong.

_Ajax. _ No, yonder 'tis; there, where we see the light.

_Hect. _ I trouble you.

_Ajax. _ Not at all, cousin; here comes Achilles himself, to guide us.

_Enter_ ACHILLES.

_Achil. _ Welcome, brave Hector; welcome, princes all.

_Agam. _ So now, brave prince of Troy, I take my leave; Ajax commands
the guard to wait on you.

_Men. _ Good night, my lord.

_Hect. _ Good night, sweet lord Menelaus.

_Thers. _ [_Aside. _] Sweet, quotha! Sweet sink, sweet sewer, sweet
jakes!

_Achil. _ Nestor will stay; and you, lord Diomede,
Keep Hector company an hour or two.

_Diom. _ I cannot, sir; I have important business.

_Achil. _ Enter, my lords.

_Ulys. _ [_To_ TROIL. ] Follow his torch: he goes to Calchas's tent.
[_Exeunt_ ACHIL. HECT. AJAX, _one way;_ DIOMEDE
_another; and after him_ ULYSSES
_and_ TROILUS.

_Thers. _ This Diomede's a false-hearted rogue, an unjust knave; I will
no more trust him when he winks with one eye, than I will a serpent
when he hisses. He will spend his mouth, and promise, like Brabbler
the hound; but when he performs, astronomers set it down for a
prodigy: though I long to see Hector, I cannot forbear dogging him.
They say he keeps a Trojan drab; and uses Calchas's tent, that
fugitive priest of Troy, that canonical rogue of our side. I'll after
him; nothing but whoring in this age; all incontinent rascals!
[_Exit_ THERSITES.

_Enter_ CALCHAS _and_ CRESSIDA.

_Calch. _ O, what a blessing is a virtuous child!
Thou has reclaimed my mind, and calmed my passions
Of anger and revenge; my love to Troy
Revives within me, and my lost tiara
No more disturbs my mind.

_Cres. _ A virtuous conquest!

_Calch. _ I have a woman's longing to return;
But yet which way, without your aid, I know not.

_Cres. _ Time must instruct us how.

_Calch. _ You must dissemble love to Diomede still:
False Diomede, bred in Ulysses' school,
Can never be deceived,
But by strong arts and blandishments of love.
Put them in practice all; seem lost and won,
And draw him on, and give him line again.
This Argus then may close his hundred eyes,
And leave our flight more easy.

_Cres. _ How can I answer this to love and Troilus?

_Calch. _ Why, 'tis for him you do it; promise largely;
That ring he saw you wear, he much suspects
Was given you by a lover; let him have it.

_Diom. _ [_Within. _] Ho, Calchas, Calchas!

_Calch. _ Hark! I hear his voice.
Pursue your project; doubt not the success.

_Cres. _ Heaven knows, against my will; and yet my hopes,
This night to meet my Troilus, while 'tis truce,
Afford my mind some ease.

_Calch. _ No more: retire. [_Exit_ CRESSIDA.

_Enter_ DIOMEDE: TROILUS _and_ ULYSSES _appear listening at one
Door, and_ THERSITES _watching at another. _

_Diom. _ I came to see your daughter, worthy Calchas.

_Calch. _ My lord, I'll call her to you. [_Exit_ CALCHAS.

_Ulys. _ [_To_ TROIL. ] Stand where the torch may not discover us.

_Enter_ CRESSIDA.

_Troil. _ Cressida comes forth to him!

_Diom. _ How now, my charge?

_Cres. _ Now, my sweet guardian; hark, a word with you. [_Whisper. _

_Troil. _ Ay, so familiar!

_Diom. _ Will you remember?

_Cres. _ Remember? yes.

_Troil. _ Heavens, what should she remember! Plague and madness!

_Ulys. _ Prince, you are moved: let us depart in time,
Lest your displeasure should enlarge itself
To wrathful terms: this place is dangerous;
The time unlit: beseech you, let us go.

_Troil. _ I pray you stay; by hell, and by hell's torments, I will not
speak a word.

_Diom. _ I'll hear no more: good night.

_Cres. _ Nay, but you part in anger!

_Troil. _ Does that grieve thee? O withered truth!

_Diom. _ Farewell, cozener.

_Cres. _ Indeed I am not: pray, come back again.

_Ulys. _ You shake, my lord, at something: will you go?
You will break out.

_Troil. _ By all the gods I will not.
There is, between my will and all my actions,
A guard of patience: stay a little while.

_Thers. _ [_aside. _] How the devil luxury, with his fat rump, and
potato-finger, tickles these together! --Put him off a little, you
foolish harlot! 'twill sharpen him the more.

_Diom. _ But will you then?

_Cres. _ I will, as soon as e'er the war's concluded.

_Diom_ Give me some token, for the surety of it;
The ring I saw you wear.

_Cres. _ [_Giving it. _] If you must have it.

_Troil. _ The ring? nay, then, 'tis plain! O beauty, where's thy faith!

_Ulys. _ You have sworn patience.

_Thers. _ That's well, that's well, the pledge is given; hold her to
her word, good devil, and her soul's thine, I warrant thee.

_Diom. _ Whose was't?

_Cres. _ By all Diana's waiting train of stars,
And by herself, I will not tell you whose.

_Diom. _ Why then thou lov'st him still: farewell for ever:
Thou never shalt mock Diomede again.

_Cres. _ You shall not go: one cannot speak a word,
But straight it starts you.

_Diom. _ I do not like this fooling.

_Thers. _ Nor I, by Pluto: but that, which likes not you, pleases me
best.

_Diom. _ I shall expect your promise.

_Cres. _ I'll perform it.
Not a word more, good night--I hope for ever:
Thus to deceive deceivers is no fraud. [_Aside. _
[_Exeunt_ DIOMEDE _and_ CRESSIDA _severally. _

_Ulys. _ All's done, my lord.

_Troil_ Is it?

_Ulys. _ Pray let us go.

_Troil. _ Was Cressida here?

_Ulys. _ I cannot conjure, Trojan.

_Troil. _ She was not, sure! she was not;
Let it not be believed, for womanhood:
Think we had mothers, do not give advantage
To biting satire, apt without a theme
For defamation, to square all the sex
By Cressid's rule; rather think this not Cressida.

_Thers. _ Will he swagger himself out on's own eyes?

_Troil. _ This she! no, this was Diomede's Cressida.
If beauty have a soul, this is not she:--
I cannot speak for rage;--that ring was mine:--
By heaven I gave it, in that point of time,
When both our joys were fullest! --If he keeps it,
Let dogs eat Troilus.

_Thers. _ He'll tickle it for his concupy: this will be sport to see!
Patroclus will give me any thing for the intelligence of this whore; a
parrot will not do more for an almond, than he will for a commodious
drab:--I would I could meet with this rogue Diomede too: I would croak
like a raven to him; I would bode: it shall go hard but I'll find him
out. [_Exit_ THERSITES.

_Enter_ ÆNEAS.

_Æn. _ I have been seeking you this hour, my lord:
Hector by this is arming him in Troy.

_Ulys. _ Commend me, gallant Troilus, to your brother:
Tell him, I hope he shall not need to arm;
The fair Polyxena has, by a letter,
Disarmed our great Achilles of his rage.

_Troil. _ This I shall say to Hector.

_Ulys. _ So I hope.
Pray heaven Thersites have informed me true! -- [_Aside. _

_Troil. _ Good night, my lord; accept distracted thanks!
[_Exit_ ULYSSES.

_Enter_ PANDARUS.

_Pand. _ Hear ye, my lord, hear ye; I have been seeing yon poor girl.
There have been old doings there, i'faith.

_Troil. _ [_Aside. _]
Hold yet, my spirits: let him pour it in:
The poison's kind: the more I drink of it,
The sooner 'twill dispatch me.

_Æn. _ to _Pand. _ Peace, thou babbler!

_Pand. _ She has been mightily made on by the Greeks: she takes most
wonderfully among 'em. Achilles kissed her, and Patroclus kissed her:
nay, and old Nestor put aside his grey beard, and brushed her with his
whiskers. Then comes me Agamemnon with his general's staff, diving
with a low bow even to the ground, and rising again, just at her lips:
and after him came Ulysses, and Ajax, and Menelaus: and they so pelted
her, i'faith, pitter patter, pitter patter, as thick as hail-stones.
And after that, a whole rout of 'em: never was a woman in Phrygia
better kissed.

_Troil. _ [_Aside. _] Hector said true: I find, I find it now!

_Pand. _ And, last of all, comes me Diomede, so demurely: that's a
notable sly rogue, I warrant him! mercy upon us, how he laid her on
upon the lips! for, as I told you, she's most mightily made on among
the Greeks. What, cheer up, I say, man! she has every one's good word.
I think, in my conscience, she was born with a caul upon her head.

_Troil. _ [_Aside. _] Hell, death, confusion, how he tortures me!

_Pand. _ And that rogue-priest, my brother, is so courted and treated
for her sake: the young sparks do so pull him about, and haul him by
the cassock: nothing but invitations to his tent, and his tent, and
his tent. Nay, and one of 'em was so bold, as to ask him, if she were
a virgin; and with that, the rogue, my brother, takes me up a little
god in his hand, and kisses it, and swears devoutly that she was; then
was I ready to burst my sides with laughing, to think what had passed
betwixt you two.

_Troil. _ O I can bear no more! she's falsehood all:
False by both kinds; for with her mother's milk
She sucked the infusion of her father's soul.
She only wants an opportunity;
Her soul's a whore already.

_Pand. _ What, would you make a monopoly of a woman's lips? a little
consolation, or so, might be allowed, one would think, in a lover's
absence.

_Troil. _ Hence from my sight!
Let ignominy brand thy hated name;
Let modest matrons at thy mention start;
And blushing virgins, when they read our annals,
Skip o'er the guilty page that holds thy legend,
And blots the noble work.

_Pand. _ O world, world: thou art an ungrateful patch of earth! Thus
the poor agent is despised! he labours painfully in his calling, and
trudges between parties: but when their turns are served, come out's
too good for him. I am mighty melancholy. I'll e'en go home, and shut
up my doors, and die o' the sullens, like an old bird in a cage!
[_Exit_ PANDARUS.

_Enter_ DIOMEDE _and_ THERSITES.

_Thers. _ [_Aside. _] There, there he is; now let it work: now play thy
part, jealousy, and twinge 'em: put 'em between thy mill-stones, and
grind the rogues together.

_Diom. _ My lord, I am by Ajax sent to inform you,
This hour must end the truce.

_Æn. _ to _Troil. _ Contain yourself:
Think where we are.

_Diom. _ Your stay will be unsafe.

_Troil. _ It may, for those I hate.

_Thers. _ [_Aside. _] Well said, Trojan: there's the first hit.

_Diom. _ Beseech you, sir, make haste; my own affairs call me another
way.

_Thers. _ [_Aside. _] What affairs? what affairs? demand that,
dolt-head! the rogue will lose a quarrel, for want of wit to ask that
question.

_Troil. _ May I enquire where your affairs conduct you?

_Thers. _ [_Aside. _] Well said again; I beg thy pardon.

_Diom. _ Oh, it concerns you not.

_Troil. _ Perhaps it does.

_Diom. _ You are too inquisitive: nor am I bound
To satisfy an enemy's request.

_Troil. _ You have a ring upon your finger, Diomede,
And given you by a lady.

_Diom. _ If it were,
'Twas given to one that can defend her gift.

_Thers. _ [_Aside. _] So, so; the boars begin to gruntle at one another:
set up your bristles now, a'both sides: whet and foam, rogues.

_Troil. _ You must restore it, Greek, by heaven you must;
No spoil of mine shall grace a traitor's hand:
And, with it, give me back the broken vows
Of my false fair; which, perjured as she is,
I never will resign, but with my soul.

_Diom. _ Then thou, it seems, art that forsaken fool,
Who, wanting merit to preserve her heart,
Repines in vain to see it better placed;
But know, (for now I take a pride to grieve thee)
Thou art so lost a thing in her esteem,
I never heard thee named, but some scorn followed:
Thou wert our table-talk for laughing meals;
Thy name our sportful theme for evening-walks,
And intermissive hours of cooler love,
When hand in hand we went.

_Troil. _ Hell and furies!

_Thers. _ [_Aside. _] O well stung, scorpion!
Now Menelaus's Greek horns are out o' doors, there's a new cuckold
starts up on the Trojan side.

_Troil. _ Yet this was she, ye gods, that very she,
Who in my arms lay melting all the night;
Who kissed and sighed, and sighed and kissed again,
As if her soul flew upward to her lips,
To meet mine there, and panted at the passage;
Who, loth to find the breaking day, looked out,
And shrunk into my bosom, there to make
A little longer darkness.

_Diom. _ Plagues and tortures!

_Thers. _ Good, good, by Pluto! their fool's mad, to lose his harlot;
and our fool's mad, that t'other fool had her first. If I sought peace
now, I could tell 'em there's punk enough to satisfy 'em both: whore
sufficient! but let 'em worry one another, the foolish curs; they
think they never can have enough of carrion.

_Æn. _ My lords, this fury is not proper here
In time of truce; if either side be injured,
To-morrow's sun will rise apace, and then--

_Troil. _ And then! but why should I defer till then?
My blood calls now, there is no truce for traitors;
My vengeance rolls within my breast; it must,
It will have vent,-- [_Draws. _

_Diom. _ Hinder us not, Æneas,
My blood rides high as his; I trust thy honour,
And know thou art too brave a foe to break it. -- [_Draws. _

_Thers. _ Now, moon! now shine, sweet moon! let them have just light
enough to make their passes; and not enough to ward them.

_Æn. _ [_Drawing too. _]
By heaven, he comes on this, who strikes the first.
You both are mad; is this like gallant men,
To fight at midnight; at the murderer's hour;
When only guilt and rapine draw a sword?
Let night enjoy her dues of soft repose;
But let the sun behold the brave man's courage.
And this I dare engage for Diomede,--
For though I am,--he shall not hide his head,
But meet you in the very face of danger.

_Diom. _ [_Putting up. _]
Be't so; and were it on some precipice,
High as Olympus, and a sea beneath,
Call when thou dar'st, just on the sharpest point
I'll meet, and tumble with thee to destruction.

_Troil. _ A gnawing conscience haunts not guilty men,
As I'll haunt thee, to summon thee to this;
Nay, shouldst thou take the Stygian lake for refuge,
I'll plunge in after, through the boiling flames,
To push thee hissing down the vast abyss.

_Diom. _ Where shall we meet?

_Troil. _ Before the tent of Calchas.
Thither, through all your troops, I'll fight my way;
And in the sight of perjured Cressida,
Give death to her through thee.

_Diom. _ 'Tis largely promised;
But I disdain to answer with a boast.
Be sure thou shalt be met.

_Troil. _ And thou be found. [_Exeunt_ TROILUS _and_ ÆNEAS _one way;_
DIOMEDE _the other. _

_Thers. _ Now the furies take Æneas, for letting them sleep upon their
quarrel; who knows but rest may cool their brains, and make them rise
maukish to mischief upon consideration? May each of them dream he sees
his cockatrice in t'other's arms; and be stabbing one another in their
sleep, to remember them of their business when they wake: let them be
punctual to the point of honour; and, if it were possible, let both be
first at the place of execution; let neither of them have cogitation
enough, to consider 'tis a whore they fight for; and let them value
their lives at as little as they are worth: and lastly, let no
succeeding fools take warning by them; but, in imitation of them, when
a strumpet is in question,
Let them beneath their feet all reason trample,
And think it great to perish by example. [_Exit. _


ACT V. SCENE I.

HECTOR, _Trojans,_ ANDROMACHE.

_Hect. _ The blue mists rise from off the nether grounds,
And the sun mounts apace. To arms, to arms!
I am resolved to put to the utmost proof
The fate of Troy this day.

_Andr. _ [_Aside. _] Oh wretched woman, oh!

_Hect. _ Methought I heard you sigh, Andromache.

_Andr. _ Did you, my lord?