No More Learning

The offending lover, when he lowest lies,
Submits, to conquer; and but kneels, to rise.




ACT IV. --SCENE I.


_Jupiter_ _following_ ALCMENA; MERCURY _and_ PHÆDRA.

_Jup. _ O stay, my dear Alcmena; hear me speak!

_Alcm. _ No, I would fly thee to the ridge of earth,
And leap the precipice, to 'scape thy sight.

_Jup. _ For pity----

_Alcm. _ Leave me, thou ungrateful man.

_Jup. _ I cannot leave you; no, but like a ghost,
Whom your unkindness murdered, will I haunt you.

_Alcm. _ Once more, be gone; I'm odious to myself,
For having loved thee once.

_Jup. _ Hate not, the best and fairest of your kind!
Nor can you hate your lover, though you would:
Your tears, that fall so gently, are but grief:
There may be anger; but there must be love.
The dove, that murmurs at her mate's neglect,
But counterfeits a coyness, to be courted.

_Alcm. _ Courtship from thee, and after such affronts!

_Jup. _ Is this that everlasting love you vowed
Last night, when I was circled in your arms?
Remember what you swore.

_Alcm. _ Think what thou wert, and who could swear too much?
Think what thou art, and that unswears it all.

_Jup. _ Can you forsake me, for so small a fault?
'Twas but a jest, perhaps too far pursued;
'Twas but, at most, a trial of your faith,
How you could bear unkindness;
'Twas but to get a reconciling kiss,
A wanton stratagem of love.

_Alcm. _ See how he doubles, like a hunted hare:
A jest, and then a trial, and a bait;
All stuff, and daubing!

_Jup. _ Think me jealous, then.

_Alcm. _ O that I could! for that's a noble crime,
And which a lover can with ease forgive;
'Tis the high pulse of passion in a fever;
A sickly draught, but shews a burning thirst:
Thine was a surfeit, not a jealousy;
And in that loathing of thy full-gorged love,
Thou saw'st the nauseous object with disdain.

_Jup. _ O think not that! for you are ever new:
Your fruits of love are like eternal spring,
In happy climes, where some are in the bud,
Some green, and ripening some, while others fall.

_Alcm. _ Ay, now you tell me this,
When roused desires, and fresh recruits of force,
Enable languished love to take the field:
But never hope to be received again;
You would again deny you were received,
And brand my spotless fame.

_Jup. _ I will not dare to justify my crime,
But only point you where to lay the blame;
Impute it to the husband, not the lover.

_Alcm. _ How vainly would the sophister divide,
And make the husband and the lover two!

_Jup. _ Yes, 'tis the husband is the guilty wretch;
His insolence forgot the sweets of love,
And, deeming them his due, despised the feast.
Not so the famished lover could forget;
He knew he had been there, and had been blest
With all that hope could wish, or sense can bear.

_Alcm. _ Husband and lover, both alike I hate.

_Jup. _ And I confess I have deserved that hate.
Too charming fair, I kneel for your forgiveness: [_Kneeling. _
I beg, by those fair eyes
Which gave me wounds, that time can never cure,
Receive my sorrows, and restore my joys.

_Alcm. _ Unkind, and cruel! I can speak no more.

_Jup. _ O give it vent, Alcmena, give it vent;
I merit your reproach, I would be cursed;
Let your tongue curse me, while your heart forgives.

_Alcm. _ Can I forget such usage?

_Jup. _ Can you hate me?

_Alcm. _ I'll do my best; for sure I ought to hate you.

_Jup. _ That word was only hatched upon your tongue,
It came not from your heart. But try again,
And if, once more, you can but say,--I hate you,
My sword shall do you justice.

_Alcm. _ Then--I hate you.

_Jup. _ Then you pronounce the sentence of my death.

_Alcm. _ I hate you much, but yet--I love you more.

_Jup. _ To prove that love, then say, that you forgive me;
For there remains but this alternative,--
Resolve to pardon, or to punish me.

_Alcm. _ Alas! what I resolve appears too plain;
In saying that I cannot hate, I pardon.

_Jup. _ But what's a pardon worth without a seal?
Permit me, in this transport of my joy---- [_Kisses her hand. _

_Alcm. _ Forbear; I am offended with myself,

[_Putting him gently away with her hand. _

That I have shewn this weakness. --Let me go,
Where I may blush alone;-- [_Going, and looking back on him. _
But come not you,
Lest I should spoil you with excess of fondness,
And let you love again. [_Exit_ ALCMENA.

_Jup. _ Forbidding me to follow, she invites me:--
This is the mould of which I made the sex:
I gave them but one tongue, to say us nay;
And two kind eyes to grant. --Be sure that none
Approach, to interrupt our privacy. [_To_ MERC.

[_Exit_ JUPITER _after_ ALCMENA.

MERCURY _and_ PHÆDRA _remain_.

_Merc. _ Your lady has made the challenge of reconciliation to my lord:
here's a fair example for us two, Phædra.

_Phæd. _ No example at all, Sosia; for my lady had the diamonds
beforehand, and I have none of the gold goblet.

_Merc. _ The goblet shall be forthcoming, if thou wilt give me weight
for weight.

_Phæd. _ Yes, and measure for measure too, Sosia; that is, for a
thimble-full of gold, a thimble-full of love.

_Merc. _ What think you now, Phædra? Here's a weighty argument of love
for you.

[_Pulling out the Goblet in a case from under his Cloak. _

_Phæd. _ Now Jupiter, of his mercy, let me kiss thee, O thou dear metal!
[_Taking it in both hands. _

_Merc. _ And Venus, of her mercy, let me kiss thee, dear, dear Phædra!

_Phæd. _ Not so fast, Sosia; there's a damned proverb in your
way,--"Many things happen betwixt the cup and the lip," you know.

_Merc. _ Why, thou wilt not cheat me of my goblet?

_Phæd. _ Yes, as sure as you would cheat me of my maidenhead: I am
yet but just even with you, for the last trick you played me. And,
besides, this is but a bare retaining fee; you must give me another
before the cause is opened.

_Merc. _ Shall I not come to your bed-side to-night?

_Phæd. _ No, nor to-morrow night neither; but this shall be my
sweetheart in your place: 'tis a better bedfellow, and will keep me
warmer in cold weather.

[_Exit_ PHÆDRA.

MERCURY _alone_.

_Merc. _ Now, what's the god of wit in a woman's hand? This very goblet
I stole from Gripus; and he got it out of bribes, too. But this is the
common fate of ill-gotten goods, that, as they came in by covetousness,
they go out by whoring. --

_Enter_ AMPHITRYON.

Oh, here's Amphitryon again; but I'll manage him above in the balcony

[_Exit_ MERCURY.

_Amph. _ Not one of those, I looked for, to be found,
As some enchantment hid them from my sight!
Perhaps, as Sosia says, 'tis witchcraft all.
Seals may be opened, diamonds may be stolen;
But how I came, in person, yesterday,
And gave that present to Alcmena's hands,
That which I never gave, nor ever came,--
O there's the rock on which my reason splits!
Would that were all! I fear my honour, too.
I'll try her once again;--she may be mad;--
A wretched remedy; but all I have,
To keep me from despair.

_Merc. _ [_From the Balcony, aside. _] This is no very charitable action
of a god, to use him ill, who has never offended me; but my planet
disposes me to malice; and when we great persons do but a little
mischief, the world has a good bargain of us.

_Amph. _ How now, what means the locking up of my doors at this time of
day? [_Knocks. _

_Merc. _ Softly, friend, softly; you knock as loud, and as saucily, as
a lord's footman, that was sent before him to warn the family of his
honour's visit. Sure you think the doors have no feeling! What the
devil are you, that rap with such authority?

_Amph. _ Look out, and see; 'tis I.

_Merc. _ You! what you?

_Amph. _ No more, I say, but open.

_Merc. _ I'll know to whom first.

_Amph. _ I am one, that can command the doors open.

_Merc. _ Then you had best command them, and try whether they will obey
you.

_Amph. _ Dost thou not know me?

_Merc. _ Pr'ythee, how should I know thee? Dost thou take me for a
conjurer?

_Amph. _ What's this? midsummer-moon! Is all the world gone a
madding? --Why, Sosia!

_Merc. _ That's my name, indeed; didst thou think I had forgot it?

_Amph. _ Dost thou see me?

_Merc. _ Why, dost thou pretend to go invisible? If thou hast any
business here, dispatch it quickly; I have no leisure to throw away
upon such prattling companions.

_Amph. _ Thy companion, slave! How darest thou use this insolent
language to thy master?

_Merc. _ How! Thou my master? By what title? I never had any other
master but Amphitryon.

_Amph. _ Well; and for whom dost thou take me?

_Merc. _ For some rogue or other; but what rogue I know not.

_Amph. _ Dost thou not know me for Amphitryon, slave!

_Merc. _ How should I know thee, when I see thou dost not know thyself?
Thou Amphitryon! In what tavern hast thou been? and how many bottles
did thy business, to metamorphose thee into my lord?

_Amph. _ I will so drub thee for this insolence!

_Merc.
_ How now, impudence, are you threatening your betters? I should
bring you to condign punishment, but that I have a great respect for
the good wine, though I find it in a fool's noddle.

_Amph. _ What, none to let me in? Why, Phædra! Bromia! ----

_Merc. _ Peace, fellow; if my wife hears thee, we are both undone. At a
word, Phædra and Bromia are very busy; one in making a caudle for my
lady, and the other in heating napkins, to rub down my lord when he
rises from bed.

_Amph. _ Amazement seizes me!

_Merc. _ At what art thou amazed? My master and my lady had a falling
out, and are retired, without seconds, to decide the quarrel. If thou
wert not a meddlesome fool, thou wouldst not be thrusting thy nose into
other people's matters. Get thee about thy business, if thou hast any;
for I'll hear no more of thee.

[_Exit_ MERCURY _from above_.

_Amph. _ Braved by my slave, dishonoured by my wife!
To what a desperate plunge am I reduced,
If this be true the villain says? --But why
That feeble _if_! It must be true; she owns it.
Now, whether to conceal, or blaze the affront?
One way, I spread my infamy abroad;
And t'other, hide a burning coal within,
That preys upon my vitals: I can fix
On nothing, but on vengeance.

_Enter_ SOSIA, POLIDAS, GRIPUS, _and_ TRANIO.

_Grip. _ Yonder he is, walking hastily to and fro before his door, like
a citizen clapping his sides before his shop in a frosty morning; 'tis
to catch a stomach, I believe.

_Sos. _ I begin to be afraid, that he has more stomach to my sides
and shoulders, than to his own victuals. How he shakes his head, and
stamps, and what strides he fetches! He's in one of his damned moods
again; I don't like the looks of him.

_Amph. _ Oh, my mannerly, fair-spoken, obedient slave, are you there! I
can reach you now without climbing: Now we shall try who's drunk, and
who's sober.

_Sos. _ Why this is as it should be: I was somewhat suspicious that you
were in a pestilent humour. Yes, we will have a crash at the bottle,
when your lordship pleases; I have summoned them, you see, and they are
notable topers, especially judge Gripus.

_Grip. _ Yes, faith; I never refuse my glass in a good quarrel.

_Amph. _ [_To_ SOS. ] Why, thou insolent villain! I'll teach a slave how
to use his master thus.

_Sos. _ Here's a fine business towards! I am sure I ran as fast as ever
my legs could carry me, to call them; nay, you may trust my diligence
in all affairs belonging to the belly.

_Grip. _ He has been very faithful to his commission. I'll bear him
witness.

_Amph. _ How can you be witness, where you were not present? --The
balcony, sirrah! the balcony!

_Sos. _ Why, to my best remembrance, you never invited the balcony.

_Amph. _ What nonsense dost thou plead, for an excuse of thy foul
language, and thy base replies!

_Sos. _ You fright a man out of his senses first, and blame him
afterwards for talking nonsense! But it is better for me to talk
nonsense, than for some to do nonsense; I will say that, whate'er comes
on't. Pray, sir, let all things be done decently: what, I hope, when a
man is to be hanged, he is not trussed upon the gallows, like a dumb
dog, without telling him wherefore.

_Amph. _ By your pardon, gentlemen; I have no longer patience to forbear
him.

_Sos. _ Justice, justice! --My Lord Gripus, as you are a true magistrate,
protect me. Here's a process of beating going forward, without sentence
given.

_Grip. _ My Lord Amphitryon, this must not be; let me first understand
the demerits of the criminal.

_Sos. _ Hold you to that point, I beseech your honour, as you
commiserate the case of a poor, innocent malefactor.

_Amph. _ To shut the door against me in my very face, to deny me
entrance, to brave me from the balcony, to laugh at me, to threaten
me! what proofs of innocence call you these? but if I punish not this
insolence----

[_Is going to beat him, and is held by_ POLIDAS
_and_ TRANIO.

I beg you, let me go.

_Sos. _ I charge you, in the king's name, hold him fast; for you see
he's bloodily disposed.

_Grip. _ Now, what hast thou to say for thyself, Sosia?

_Sos. _ I say, in the first place, be sure you hold him, gentlemen; for
I shall never plead worth one farthing, while I am bodily afraid.

_Pol. _ Speak boldly; I warrant thee.

_Sos. _ Then if I may speak boldly, under my lord's favour, I do not
say he lies neither: no, I am too well bred for that; but his lordship
fibs most abominably.

_Amph. _ Do you hear his impudence? yet will you let me go?

_Sos. _ No impudence at all, my lord; for how could I, naturally
speaking, be in the balcony, and affronting you, when at the same time
I was in every street of Thebes, inviting these gentlemen to dinner?

_Grip. _ Hold a little:--How long since was it that he spoke to you from
the said balcony?

_Amph. _ Just now; not a minute before he brought you hither.

_Sos. _ Now speak, my witnesses.

_Grip. _ I can answer for him for this last half hour.

_Pol. _ And I.

_Tran. _ And I.

_Sos. _ Now judge equitably, gentlemen, whether I was not a civil
well-bred person, to tell my lord he fibs only?

_Amph. _ Who gave you that order, to invite them?

_Sos. _ He that best might,--yourself: By the same token, you bid old
Bromia provide an' 'twere for a god, and I put in for a brace, or a
leash;--no, now I think on't, it was for ten couple of gods, to make
sure of plenty.

_Amph. _ When did I give thee this pretended commission?

_Sos. _ Why, you gave me this pretended commission, when you were just
ready to give my lady the fiddles, and a dance; in order, as I suppose,
to your second bedding.

_Amph. _ Where, in what place, did I give this order?

_Sos. _ Here, in this place, in the presence of this very door, and of
that balcony; and, if they could speak, they would both justify it.

_Amph. _ O, heaven! These accidents are so surprising, the more I think
of them, the more I am lost in my imagination.

_Grip. _ Nay, he has told us some passages, as he came along, that seem
to surpass the power of nature.

_Sos. _ What think you now, my lord, of a certain twin-brother of
mine, called Sosia? 'Tis a sly youth: pray heaven, you have not just
such another relation within doors, called Amphitryon. It may be it
was he that put upon me, in your likeness; and perhaps he may have
put something upon your lordship too, that may weigh heavy upon the
forehead.

Amph. [_To those who hold him. _] Let me go; Sosia may be innocent, and
I will not hurt him. Open the door, I'll resolve my doubts immediately.

_Sos. _ The door is peremptory, that it will not be opened without keys;
and my brother on the inside is in possession, and will not part with
them.

_Amph. _ Then 'tis manifest that I am affronted. --Break open the door
there.

_Grip. _ Stir not a man of you to his assistance.

_Amph. _ Dost thou take part with my adulteress too, because she is thy
niece?

_Grip. _ I take part with nothing, but the law; and, to break the doors
open, is to break the law.

_Amph. _ Do thou command them then.

_Grip. _ I command nothing without my warrant; and my clerk is not here
to take his fees for drawing it.

_Amph. _ [_Aside. _] The devil take all justice-brokers! I curse him too,
when I have been hunting him all over the town, to be my witness! But
I'll bring soldiers, to force open the doors, by my own commission.
[_Exit_ AMPH.

_Sos. _ Pox o' these forms of law, to defeat a man of a dinner, when
he's sharp set! 'Tis against the privilege of a free-born stomach; and
is no less than subversion of fundamentals. [JUPITER _above in the
Balcony_.

_Jup. _ Oh, my friends, I am sorry I have made you wait so long: you are
welcome; and the door shall be opened to you immediately.

[_Exit_ JUPITER.

_Grip. _ Was not that Amphitryon?

_Sos. _ Why, who should it be else?

_Grip. _ In all appearance it was he; but how got be thither?

_Pol. _ In such a trice too!

_Tran. _ And after he had just left us!

_Grip. _ And so much altered, for the better, in his humour!

_Sos. _ Here's such a company of foolish questions, when a man's hungry!
You had best stay dinner, till he has proved himself to be Amphitryon
in form of law: but I'll make short work of that business; for I'll
take mine oath 'tis he.

_Grip. _ I should be glad it were.

_Sos. _ How! glad it were? with your damned interrogatories, when you
ought to be thankful, that so it is.

_Grip. _ [_Aside. _] That I may see my mistress Phædra, and present her
with my great gold goblet.

_Sos. _ If this be not the true Amphitryon, I wish I may be kept without
doors, fasting, and biting my own fingers, for want of victuals; and
that's a dreadful imprecation! I am for the inviting, and eating, and
treating Amphitryon; I am sure 'tis he that is my lawfully begotten
lord; and, if you had an ounce of true justice in you, you ought to
have laid hold on the other Amphitryon, and committed him for a rogue,
and an impostor, and a vagabond. [_The Door is opened. _

_Merc. _ [_From within. _] Enter quickly, masters: The passage, on the
right hand, leads to the gallery, where my lord expects you; for I am
called another way.

[GRIPUS, TRANIO, _and_ POLIDAS, _go into the House_.

_Sos. _ I should know that voice by a secret instinct; 'tis a tongue
of my family, and belongs to my brother Sosia: it must be so; for it
carries a cudgelling kind of sound in it. --But put the worst: Let me
weigh this matter wisely: Here's a beating, and a belly-full, against
no beating, and no belly-full. The beating is bad; but the dinner is
good. Now, not to be beaten, is but negatively good; but, not to fill
my belly, is positively bad. Upon the whole matter, my final resolution
is, to take the good and the bad as they come together.

[_Is entering_: MERCURY _meets him at the Door_.

_Merc. _ Whither now, ye kitchen-scum? From whence this impudence, to
enter here without permission?

_Sos.