No More Learning

[Illustration]

There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep she enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger;
He tore off his boots, and subsisted on roots,
That borascible Person of Bangor.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much, and their conduct was such,
That it killed that Old Man of the East.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of the Coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold he relinquished his hold,
And called for some hot buttered toast.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkably fat Cur;
His gait and his waddle were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Person of Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, "Is it hot? " he replied, "No, it's not! "
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a Horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind! you will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard! "

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake, was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin on his nose and his chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Person of Cheadle
Was put in the stocks by the Beadle
For stealing some pigs, some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand with a Pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.

[Illustration]

There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large Fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook, she exclaimed, "Only look! "
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.

[Illustration]

There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on the harp, and caught several Carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his Wife, and she said, "Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary! "

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a Raven;
But they said, "It's absurd to encourage this bird! "
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.

[Illustration]

There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow train to Weedon;
When they cried, "Weedon Station! " she made no observation,
But thought she should go back to Sweden.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones, which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Old Person of Chester.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary Ape;
Till the Ape, one dark night, set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, "How d' ye do? " he replied, "Who are you? "
That distressing Old Person of Burton.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Person of Ems
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found, they said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.

[Illustration]

There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose Aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles, and leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.

[Illustration]

There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil by the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, "Are these caps? " she answered, "Perhaps! "
That oracular Lady of Prague.

[Illustration]

There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer:
When they said, "Are you dumb? " she merely said, "Hum! "
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-five sons and one "darter;"
He fed them on Snails, and weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man on whose nose
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away at the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.

[Illustration]

There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine, she ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of Aosta
Who possessed a large Cow, but he lost her;
But they said, "Don't you see she has run up a tree,
You invidious Old Man of Aosta? "

[Illustration]

There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous Person of Crete.

[Illustration]

There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was madly pursued by a Bear;
When she found she was tired, she abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.

[Illustration]

There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its color and size so bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a Chair till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.

[Illustration]

There was an old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff, he jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon to examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sate on a chair with his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man who said, "Well!
Will _nobody_ answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night, till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell! "

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man with an Owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail, and imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his Owl.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man in a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, "Sir, you'll fall! " he replied, "Not at all! "
That incipient Old Man in a casement.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice, he inserted some Mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of Peru.
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair, and behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, "It is just as I feared! --
Two Owls and a Hen, four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard. "

[Illustration]

There was a Young Lady whose eyes
Were unique as to color and size;
When she opened them wide, people all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.

[Illustration]

There was a Young Lady of Ryde,
Whose shoe-strings were seldom untied;
She purchased some clogs, and some small spotty Dogs,
And frequently walked about Ryde.

[Illustration]

There was a Young Lady whose bonnet
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said, "I don't care! all the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet! "




* * * * *


NONSENSE SONGS

Stories, Botany, and Alphabets

by

EDWARD LEAR.

With One Hundred and Fifty Illustrations






[Illustration]



CONTENTS.

NONSENSE SONGS.
THE OWL AND THE PUSSY-CAT
THE DUCK AND THE KANGAROO
THE DADDY LONG-LEGS AND THE FLY
THE JUMBLIES
THE NUTCRACKERS AND THE SUGAR-TONGS
CALICO PIE
MR. AND MRS. SPIKKY SPARROW
THE BROOM, THE SHOVEL, THE POKER, AND THE TONGS THE TABLE AND THE
CHAIR

NONSENSE STORIES.
THE STORY OF THE FOUR LITTLE CHILDREN WHO WENT ROUND THE WORLD
THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN FAMILIES OF THE LAKE PIPPLE-POPPLE

NONSENSE COOKERY

NONSENSE BOTANY

NONSENSE ALPHABET, No. 1
" " No. 2
" " No. 3





NONSENSE SONGS.


THE OWL AND THE PUSSY-CAT.

[Illustration]

I.

The Owl and the Pussy-Cat went to sea
In a beautiful pea-green boat:
They took some honey, and plenty of money
Wrapped up in a five-pound note.
The Owl looked up to the stars above,
And sang to a small guitar,
"O lovely Pussy, O Pussy, my love,
What a beautiful Pussy you are,
You are,
You are!
What a beautiful Pussy you are! "


II.

Pussy said to the Owl, "You elegant fowl,
How charmingly sweet you sing!
Oh! let us be married; too long we have tarried:
But what shall we do for a ring? "
They sailed away, for a year and a day,
To the land where the bong-tree grows;
And there in a wood a Piggy-wig stood,
With a ring at the end of his nose,
His nose,
His nose,
With a ring at the end of his nose.


III.

"Dear Pig, are you willing to sell for one shilling
Your ring? " Said the Piggy, "I will. "
So they took it away, and were married next day
By the Turkey who lives on the hill.
They dined on mince and slices of quince,
Which they ate with a runcible spoon;
And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand,
They danced by the light of the moon,
The moon,
The moon,
They danced by the light of the moon.

[Illustration]




THE DUCK AND THE KANGAROO.

[Illustration]

I.

Said the Duck to the Kangaroo,
"Good gracious! how you hop
Over the fields, and the water too,
As if you never would stop!
My life is a bore in this nasty pond;
And I long to go out in the world beyond:
I wish I could hop like you,"
Said the Duck to the Kangaroo.


II.

"Please give me a ride on your back,"
Said the Duck to the Kangaroo:
"I would sit quite still, and say nothing but 'Quack'
The whole of the long day through;
And we 'd go the Dee, and the Jelly Bo Lee,
Over the land, and over the sea:
Please take me a ride! oh, do! "
Said the Duck to the Kangaroo.

[Illustration]


III.

Said the Kangaroo to the Duck,
"This requires some little reflection.
Perhaps, on the whole, it might bring me luck;
And there seems but one objection;
Which is, if you'll let me speak so bold,
Your feet are unpleasantly wet and cold,
And would probably give me the roo-
Matiz," said the Kangaroo.

[Illustration]


IV.

Said the Duck, "As I sate on the rocks,
I have thought over that completely;
And I bought four pairs of worsted socks,
Which fit my web-feet neatly;
And, to keep out the cold, I've bought a cloak;
And every day a cigar I'll smoke;
All to follow my own dear true
Love of a Kangaroo. "


V.

Said the Kangaroo, "I'm ready,
All in the moonlight pale;
But to balance me well, dear Duck, sit steady,
And quite at the end of my tail. "
So away they went with a hop and a bound;
And they hopped the whole world three times round.
And who so happy, oh! who,
As the Duck and the Kangaroo?

[Illustration]




THE DADDY LONG-LEGS AND THE FLY.

[Illustration]

I.

Once Mr. Daddy Long-legs,
Dressed in brown and gray,
Walked about upon the sands
Upon a summer's day:
And there among the pebbles,
When the wind was rather cold,
He met with Mr. Floppy Fly,
All dressed in blue and gold;
And, as it was too soon to dine,
They drank some periwinkle-wine,
And played an hour or two, or more,
At battlecock and shuttledore.


II.

Said Mr. Daddy Long-legs
To Mr. Floppy Fly,
"Why do you never come to court?
I wish you 'd tell me why.
All gold and shine, in dress so fine,
You'd quite delight the court.
Why do you never go at all?
I really think you _ought_.
And, if you went, you'd see such sights!
Such rugs and jugs and candle-lights!
And, more than all, the king and queen,--
One in red, and one in green. "


III.

"O Mr. Daddy Long-legs! "
Said Mr. Floppy Fly,
"It's true I never go to court;
And I will tell you why.
If I had six long legs like yours,
At once I'd go to court;
But, oh! I can't, because _my_ legs
Are so extremely short.
And I'm afraid the king and queen
(One in red, and one in green)
Would say aloud, 'You are not fit,
You Fly, to come to court a bit! '"


IV.

"Oh, Mr. Daddy Long-legs! "
Said Mr. Floppy Fly,
"I wish you 'd sing one little song,
One mumbian melody.
You used to sing so awful well
In former days gone by;
But now you never sing at all:
I wish you'd tell me why:
For, if you would, the silvery sound
Would please the shrimps and cockles round,
And all the crabs would gladly come
To hear you sing, 'Ah, Hum di Hum! '"


V.

Said Mr. Daddy Long-legs,
"I can never sing again;
And, if you wish, I'll tell you why,
Although it gives me pain.
For years I cannot hum a bit,
Or sing the smallest song;
And this the dreadful reason is,--
My legs are grown too long!
My six long legs, all here and there,
Oppress my bosom with despair;
And, if I stand or lie or sit,
I cannot sing one single bit! "


VI.

So Mr. Daddy Long-legs
And Mr. Floppy Fly
Sat down in silence by the sea,
And gazed upon the sky.
They said, "This is a dreadful thing!
The world has all gone wrong,
Since one has legs too short by half,
The other much too long.
One never more can go to court,
Because his legs have grown too short;
The other cannot sing a song,
Because his legs have grown too long! "


VII.

Then Mr. Daddy Long-legs
And Mr. Floppy Fly
Rushed downward to the foamy sea
With one sponge-taneous cry:
And there they found a little boat,
Whose sails were pink and gray;
And off they sailed among the waves,
Far and far away:
They sailed across the silent main,
And reached the great Gromboolian Plain;
And there they play forevermore
At battlecock and shuttledore.

[Illustration]




THE JUMBLIES.

[Illustration]

I.

They went to sea in a sieve, they did;
In a sieve they went to sea:
In spite of all their friends could say,
On a winter's morn, on a stormy day,
In a sieve they went to sea.
And when the sieve turned round and round,
And every one cried, "You'll all be drowned! "
They called aloud, "Our sieve ain't big;
But we don't care a button, we don't care a fig:
In a sieve we'll go to sea! "
Far and few, far and few,
Are the lands where the Jumblies live:
Their heads are green, and their hands are blue
And they went to sea in a sieve.


II.

They sailed away in a sieve, they did,
In a sieve they sailed so fast,
With only a beautiful pea-green veil
Tied with a ribbon, by way of a sail,
To a small tobacco-pipe mast.
And every one said who saw them go,
"Oh! won't they be soon upset, you know?
For the sky is dark, and the voyage is long;
And, happen what may, it's extremely wrong
In a sieve to sail so fast. "
Far and few, far and few,
Are the lands where the Jumblies live:
Their heads are green, and their hands are blue;
And they went to sea in a sieve.


III.

The water it soon came in, it did;
The water it soon came in:
So, to keep them dry, they wrapped their feet
In a pinky paper all folded neat;
And they fastened it down with a pin.
And they passed the night in a crockery-jar;
And each of them said, "How wise we are!
Though the sky be dark, and the voyage be long,
Yet we never can think we were rash or wrong,
While round in our sieve we spin. "
Far and few, far and few,
Are the lands where the Jumblies live:
Their heads are green, and their hands are blue;
And they went to sea in a sieve.


IV.

And all night long they sailed away;
And when the sun went down,
They whistled and warbled a moony song
To the echoing sound of a coppery gong,
In the shade of the mountains brown.
"O Timballoo! How happy we are
When we live in a sieve and a crockery-jar!
And all night long, in the moonlight pale,
We sail away with a pea-green sail
In the shade of the mountains brown. "
Far and few, far and few,
Are the lands where the Jumblies live:
Their heads are green, and their hands are blue;
And they went to sea in a sieve.


V.

They sailed to the Western Sea, they did,--
To a land all covered with trees:
And they bought an owl, and a useful cart,
And a pound of rice, and a cranberry-tart,
And a hive of silvery bees;
And they bought a pig, and some green jackdaws,
And a lovely monkey with lollipop paws,
And forty bottles of ring-bo-ree,
And no end of Stilton cheese.
Far and few, far and few,
Are the lands where the Jumblies live:
Their heads are green, and their hands are blue;
And they went to sea in a sieve.


VI.

And in twenty years they all came back,--
In twenty years or more;
And every one said, "How tall they've grown!
For they've been to the Lakes, and the Torrible Zone,
And the hills of the Chankly Bore. "
And they drank their health, and gave them a feast
Of dumplings made of beautiful yeast;
And every one said, "If we only live,
We, too, will go to sea in a sieve,
To the hills of the Chankly Bore. "
Far and few, far and few,
Are the lands where the Jumblies live:
Their heads are green, and their hands are blue;
And they went to sea in a sieve.




THE NUTCRACKERS AND THE SUGAR-TONGS.

[Illustration]

I.

The Nutcrackers sate by a plate on the table;
The Sugar-tongs sate by a plate at his side;
And the Nutcrackers said, "Don't you wish we were able
Along the blue hills and green meadows to ride?
Must we drag on this stupid existence forever,
So idle and weary, so full of remorse,
While every one else takes his pleasure, and never
Seems happy unless he is riding a horse?


II.

"Don't you think we could ride without being instructed,
Without any saddle or bridle or spur?
Our legs are so long, and so aptly constructed,
I'm sure that an accident could not occur.
Let us all of a sudden hop down from the table,
And hustle downstairs, and each jump on a horse!
Shall we try? Shall we go? Do you think we are able? "
The Sugar-tongs answered distinctly, "Of course! "


III.

So down the long staircase they hopped in a minute;
The Sugar-tongs snapped, and the Crackers said "Crack! "
The stable was open; the horses were in it:
Each took out a pony, and jumped on his back.
The Cat in a fright scrambled out of the doorway;
The Mice tumbled out of a bundle of hay;
The brown and white Rats, and the black ones from Norway,
Screamed out, "They are taking the horses away! "


IV.

The whole of the household was filled with amazement:
The Cups and the Saucers danced madly about;
The Plates and the Dishes looked out of the casement;
The Salt-cellar stood on his head with a shout;
The Spoons, with a clatter, looked out of the lattice;
The Mustard-pot climbed up the gooseberry-pies;
The Soup-ladle peeped through a heap of veal-patties,
And squeaked with a ladle-like scream of surprise.


V.

The Frying-pan said, "It's an awful delusion! "
The Tea-kettle hissed, and grew black in the face;
And they all rushed downstairs in the wildest confusion
To see the great Nutcracker-Sugar-tong race.
And out of the stable, with screamings and laughter
(Their ponies were cream-colored, speckled with brown),
The Nutcrackers first, and the Sugar-tongs after;
Rode all round the yard, and then all round the town.


VI.

They rode through the street, and they rode by the station;
They galloped away to the beautiful shore;
In silence they rode, and "made no observation,"
Save this: "We will never go back any more! "
And still you might hear, till they rode out of hearing,
The Sugar-tongs snap, and the Crackers say "Crack! "
Till, far in the distance their forms disappearing,
They faded away; and they never came back!




CALICO PIE.

[Illustration]

I.

Calico pie,
The little birds fly
Down to the calico-tree:
Their wings were blue,
And they sang "Tilly-loo! "
Till away they flew;
And they never came back to me!
They never came back,
They never came back,
They never came back to me!


II.

Calico jam,
The little Fish swam
Over the Syllabub Sea.
He took off his hat
To the Sole and the Sprat,
And the Willeby-wat:
But he never came back to me;
He never came back,
He never came back,
He never came back to me.

[Illustration]


III.

Calico ban,
The little Mice ran
To be ready in time for tea;
Flippity flup,
They drank it all up,
And danced in the cup:
But they never came back to me;
They never came back,
They never came back,
They never came back to me.

[Illustration]


IV.

Calico drum,
The Grasshoppers come,
The Butterfly, Beetle, and Bee,
Over the ground,
Around and round,
With a hop and a bound;
But they never came back,
They never came back,
They never came back.
They never came back to me.

[Illustration]




MR. AND MRS. SPIKKY SPARROW.

[Illustration]

I.

On a little piece of wood
Mr. Spikky Sparrow stood:
Mrs. Sparrow sate close by,
A-making of an insect-pie
For her little children five,
In the nest and all alive;
Singing with a cheerful smile,
To amuse them all the while,
"Twikky wikky wikky wee,
Wikky bikky twikky tee,
Spikky bikky bee! "


II.

Mrs. Spikky Sparrow said,
"Spikky, darling! in my head
Many thoughts of trouble come,
Like to flies upon a plum.
All last night, among the trees,
I heard you cough, I heard you sneeze;
And thought I, 'It's come to that
Because he does not wear a hat! '
Chippy wippy sikky tee,
Bikky wikky tikky mee,
Spikky chippy wee!


III.

"Not that you are growing old;
But the nights are growing cold.
No one stays out all night long
Without a hat: I'm sure it's wrong! "
Mr. Spikky said, "How kind,
Dear, you are, to speak your mind!
All your life I wish you luck!
You are, you are, a lovely duck!
Witchy witchy witchy wee,
Twitchy witchy witchy bee,
Tikky tikky tee!


IV.

"I was also sad, and thinking,
When one day I saw you winking,
And I heard you sniffle-snuffle,
And I saw your feathers ruffle:
To myself I sadly said,
'She's neuralgia in her head!
That dear head has nothing on it!
Ought she not to wear a bonnet? '
Witchy kitchy kitchy wee,
Spikky wikky mikky bee,
Chippy wippy chee!


V.

"Let us both fly up to town:
There I'll buy you such a gown!
Which, completely in the fashion,
You shall tie a sky-blue sash on;
And a pair of slippers neat
To fit your darling little feet,
So that you will look and feel
Quite galloobious and genteel.
Jikky wikky bikky see,
Chicky bikky wikky bee,
Twicky witchy wee! "


VI.

So they both to London went,
Alighting on the Monument;
Whence they flew down swiftly--pop!
Into Moses' wholesale shop:
There they bought a hat and bonnet,
And a gown with spots upon it,
A satin sash of Cloxam blue,
And a pair of slippers too.
Zikky wikky mikky bee,
Witchy witchy mitchy kee,
Sikky tikky wee!


VII.

Then, when so completely dressed,
Back they flew, and reached their nest.
Their children cried, "O ma and pa!
How truly beautiful you are! "
Said they, "We trust that cold or pain
We shall never feel again;
While, perched on tree or house or steeple,
We now shall look like other people.
Witchy witchy witchy wee,
Twikky mikky bikky bee,
Zikky sikky tee! "

[Illustration]




THE BROOM, THE SHOVEL, THE POKER, AND THE TONGS.

[Illustration]

I.

The Broom and the Shovel, the Poker and Tongs,
They all took a drive in the Park;
And they each sang a song, ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong!
Before they went back in the dark.
Mr. Poker he sate quite upright in the coach;
Mr. Tongs made a clatter and clash;
Miss Shovel was dressed all in black (with a brooch);
Mrs. Broom was in blue (with a sash).
Ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong!
And they all sang a song.


II.

"O Shovely so lovely! " the Poker he sang,
"You have perfectly conquered my heart.
Ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong! If you're pleased with my song,
I will feed you with cold apple-tart.
When you scrape up the coals with a delicate sound,
You enrapture my life with delight,
Your nose is so shiny, your head is so round,
And your shape is so slender and bright!
Ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong!
Ain't you pleased with my song? "


III.

"Alas! Mrs. Broom," sighed the Tongs in his song,
"Oh! is it because I'm so thin,
And my legs are so long,--ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong! --
That you don't care about me a pin?
Ah! fairest of creatures, when sweeping the room,
Ah! why don't you heed my complaint?
Must you needs be so cruel, you beautiful Broom,
Because you are covered with paint?
Ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong!
You are certainly wrong. "


IV.

Mrs. Broom and Miss Shovel together they sang,
"What nonsense you're singing to-day! "
Said the Shovel, "I'll certainly hit you a bang! "
Said the Broom, "And I'll sweep you away! "
So the coachman drove homeward as fast as he could,
Perceiving their anger with pain;
But they put on the kettle, and little by little
They all became happy again.
Ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong!
There's an end of my song.




THE TABLE AND THE CHAIR.

[Illustration]

I.

Said the Table to the Chair,
"You can hardly be aware
How I suffer from the heat
And from chilblains on my feet.
If we took a little walk,
We might have a little talk;
Pray let us take the air,"
Said the Table to the Chair.


II.

Said the Chair unto the Table,
"Now, you _know_ we are not able:
How foolishly you talk,
When you know we _cannot_ walk! "
Said the Table with a sigh,
"It can do no harm to try.
I've as many legs as you:
Why can't we walk on two? "


III.

So they both went slowly down,
And walked about the town
With a cheerful bumpy sound
As they toddled round and round;
And everybody cried,
As they hastened to their side,
"See! the Table and the Chair
Have come out to take the air! "


IV.

But in going down an alley,
To a castle in a valley,
They completely lost their way,
And wandered all the day;
Till, to see them safely back,
They paid a Ducky-quack,
And a Beetle, and a Mouse,
Who took them to their house.

[Illustration]


V.

Then they whispered to each other,
"O delightful little brother,
What a lovely walk we've taken!
Let us dine on beans and bacon. "
So the Ducky and the leetle
Browny-Mousy and the Beetle
Dined, and danced upon their heads
Till they toddled to their beds.

[Illustration]

* * * * *




NONSENSE STORIES.


THE STORY OF THE FOUR LITTLE CHILDREN WHO WENT ROUND THE WORLD.

Once upon a time, a long while ago, there were four little people whose
names were

[Illustration]

VIOLET, SLINGSBY, GUY, and LIONEL;
and they all thought they should like to see the world. So they bought a
large boat to sail quite round the world by sea, and then they were to come
back on the other side by land. The boat was painted blue with green spots,
and the sail was yellow with red stripes: and, when they set off, they only
took a small Cat to steer and look after the boat, besides an elderly
Quangle-Wangle, who had to cook the dinner and make the tea; for which
purposes they took a large kettle.

[Illustration]

For the first ten days they sailed on beautifully, and found plenty to eat,
as there were lots of fish; and they had only to take them out of the sea
with a long spoon, when the Quangle-Wangle instantly cooked them; and the
Pussy-Cat was fed with the bones, with which she expressed herself pleased,
on the whole: so that all the party were very happy.

During the daytime, Violet chiefly occupied herself in putting salt water
into a churn; while her three brothers churned it violently, in the hope
that it would turn into butter, which it seldom if ever did; and in the
evening they all retired into the tea-kettle, where they all managed to
sleep very comfortably, while Pussy and the Quangle-Wangle managed the
boat.

[Illustration]

After a time, they saw some land at a distance; and, when they came to it,
they found it was an island made of water quite surrounded by earth.
Besides that, it was bordered by evanescent isthmuses, with a great
gulf-stream running about all over it; so that it was perfectly beautiful,
and contained only a single tree, 503 feet high.

When they had landed, they walked about, but found, to their great
surprise, that the island was quite full of veal-cutlets and
chocolate-drops, and nothing else. So they all climbed up the single high
tree to discover, if possible, if there were any people; but having
remained on the top of the tree for a week, and not seeing anybody, they
naturally concluded that there were no inhabitants; and accordingly, when
they came down, they loaded the boat with two thousand veal-cutlets and a
million of chocolate-drops; and these afforded them sustenance for more
than a month, during which time they pursued their voyage with the utmost
delight and apathy.

[Illustration]

After this they came to a shore where there were no less than sixty-five
great red parrots with blue tails, sitting on a rail all of a row, and all
fast asleep. And I am sorry to say that the Pussy-Cat and the
Quangle-Wangle crept softly, and bit off the tail-feathers of all the
sixty-five parrots; for which Violet reproved them both severely.

[Illustration]

Notwithstanding which, she proceeded to insert all the feathers--two
hundred and sixty in number--in her bonnet; thereby causing it to have a
lovely and glittering appearance, highly prepossessing and efficacious.

[Illustration]

The next thing that happened to them was in a narrow part of the sea, which
was so entirely full of fishes that the boat could go on no farther: so
they remained there about six weeks, till they had eaten nearly all the
fishes, which were soles, and all ready-cooked, and covered with
shrimp-sauce, so that there was no trouble whatever. And as the few fishes
who remained uneaten complained of the cold, as well as of the difficulty
they had in getting any sleep on account of the extreme noise made by the
arctic bears and the tropical turnspits, which frequented the neighborhood
in great numbers, Violet most amiably knitted a small woollen frock for
several of the fishes, and Slingsby administered some opium-drops to them;
through which kindness they became quite warm, and slept soundly.

[Illustration]

Then they came to a country which was wholly covered with immense
orange-trees of a vast size, and quite full of fruit. So they all landed,
taking with them the tea-kettle, intending to gather some of the oranges,
and place them in it. But, while they were busy about this, a most
dreadfully high wind rose, and blew out most of the parrot-tail feathers
from Violet's bonnet. That, however, was nothing compared with the calamity
of the oranges falling down on their heads by millions and millions, which
thumped and bumped and bumped and thumped them all so seriously, that they
were obliged to run as hard as they could for their lives; besides that the
sound of the oranges rattling on the tea-kettle was of the most fearful and
amazing nature.

[Illustration]

Nevertheless, they got safely to the boat, although considerably vexed and
hurt; and the Quangle-Wangle's right foot was so knocked about, that he had
to sit with his head in his slipper for at least a week.

[Illustration]

This event made them all for a time rather melancholy: and perhaps they
might never have become less so, had not Lionel, with a most praiseworthy
devotion and perseverance, continued to stand on one leg, and whistle to
them in a loud and lively manner; which diverted the whole party so
extremely that they gradually recovered their spirits, and agreed that
whenever they should reach home, they would subscribe towards a testimonial
to Lionel, entirely made of gingerbread and raspberries, as an earnest
token of their sincere and grateful infection.

[Illustration]

After sailing on calmly for several more days, they came to another
country, where they were much pleased and surprised to see a countless
multitude of white Mice with red eyes, all sitting in a great circle,
slowly eating custard-pudding with the most satisfactory and polite
demeanor.

[Illustration]

And as the four travellers were rather hungry, being tired of eating
nothing but soles and oranges for so long a period, they held a council as
to the propriety of asking the Mice for some of their pudding in a humble
and affecting manner, by which they could hardly be otherwise than
gratified. It was agreed, therefore, that Guy should go and ask the Mice,
which he immediately did; and the result was, that they gave a walnut-shell
only half full of custard diluted with water. Now, this displeased Guy, who
said, "Out of such a lot of pudding as you have got, I must say, you might
have spared a somewhat larger quantity. " But no sooner had he finished
speaking than the Mice turned round at once, and sneezed at him in an
appalling and vindictive manner (and it is impossible to imagine a more
scroobious and unpleasant sound than that caused by the simultaneous
sneezing of many millions of angry Mice); so that Guy rushed back to the
boat, having first shied his cap into the middle of the custard-pudding, by
which means he completely spoiled the Mice's dinner.

[Illustration]

By and by the four children came to a country where there were no houses,
but only an incredibly innumerable number of large bottles without corks,
and of a dazzling and sweetly susceptible blue color. Each of these blue
bottles contained a Blue-Bottle-Fly; and all these interesting animals live
continually together in the most copious and rural harmony: nor perhaps in
many parts of the world is such perfect and abject happiness to be found.
Violet and Slingsby and Guy and Lionel were greatly struck with this
singular and instructive settlement; and, having previously asked
permission of the Blue-Bottle-Flies (which was most courteously granted),
the boat was drawn up to the shore, and they proceeded to make tea in front
of the bottles: but as they had no tea-leaves, they merely placed some
pebbles in the hot water; and the Quangle-Wangle played some tunes over it
on an accordion, by which, of course, tea was made directly, and of the
very best quality.

The four children then entered into conversation with the
Blue-Bottle-Flies, who discoursed in a placid and genteel manner, though
with a slightly buzzing accent, chiefly owing to the fact that they each
held a small clothes-brush between their teeth, which naturally occasioned
a fizzy, extraneous utterance.

"Why," said Violet, "would you kindly inform us, do you reside in bottles;
and, if in bottles at all, why not, rather, in green or purple, or, indeed,
in yellow bottles? "

To which questions a very aged Blue-Bottle-Fly answered, "We found the
bottles here all ready to live in; that is to say, our great-great-great-
great-great-grandfathers did: so we occupied them at once. And, when the
winter comes on, we turn the bottles upside down, and consequently rarely
feel the cold at all; and you know very well that this could not be the
case with bottles of any other color than blue. "

"Of course it could not," said Slingsby. "But, if we may take the liberty
of inquiring, on what do you chiefly subsist? "

"Mainly on oyster-patties," said the Blue-Bottle-Fly; "and, when these are
scarce, on raspberry vinegar and Russian leather boiled down to a jelly. "

"How delicious! " said Guy.

To which Lionel added, "Huzz! " And all the Blue-Bottle-Flies said, "Buzz! "

At this time, an elderly Fly said it was the hour for the evening-song to
be sung; and, on a signal being given, all the Blue-Bottle-Flies began to
buzz at once in a sumptuous and sonorous manner, the melodious and
mucilaginous sounds echoing all over the waters, and resounding across the
tumultuous tops of the transitory titmice upon the intervening and verdant
mountains with a serene and sickly suavity only known to the truly
virtuous. The Moon was shining slobaciously from the star-bespangled sky,
while her light irrigated the smooth and shiny sides and wings and backs of
the Blue-Bottle-Flies with a peculiar and trivial splendor, while all
Nature cheerfully responded to the cerulean and conspicuous circumstances.

In many long-after years, the four little travellers looked back to that
evening as one of the happiest in all their lives; and it was already past
midnight when--the sail of the boat having been set up by the
Quangle-Wangle, the tea-kettle and churn placed in their respective
positions, and the Pussy-Cat stationed at the helm--the children each took
a last and affectionate farewell of the Blue-Bottle-Flies, who walked down
in a body to the water's edge to see the travellers embark.

[Illustration]

As a token of parting respect and esteem, Violet made a courtesy quite down
to the ground, and stuck one of her few remaining parrot-tail feathers into
the back hair of the most pleasing of the Blue-Bottle-Flies; while
Slingsby, Guy, and Lionel offered them three small boxes, containing,
respectively, black pins, dried figs, and Epsom salts; and thus they left
that happy shore forever.

Overcome by their feelings, the four little travellers instantly jumped
into the tea-kettle, and fell fast asleep. But all along the shore, for
many hours, there was distinctly heard a sound of severely-suppressed sobs,
and of a vague multitude of living creatures using their
pocket-handkerchiefs in a subdued simultaneous snuffle, lingering sadly
along the walloping waves as the boat sailed farther and farther away from
the Land of the Happy Blue-Bottle-Flies.

Nothing particular occurred for some days after these events, except that,
as the travellers were passing a low tract of sand, they perceived an
unusual and gratifying spectacle; namely, a large number of Crabs and
Crawfish--perhaps six or seven hundred--sitting by the water-side, and
endeavoring to disentangle a vast heap of pale pink worsted, which they
moistened at intervals with a fluid composed of lavender-water and
white-wine negus.

"Can we be of any service to you, O crusty Crabbies? " said the four
children.

"Thank you kindly," said the Crabs consecutively. "We are trying to make
some worsted mittens, but do not know how. "

On which Violet, who was perfectly acquainted with the art of
mitten-making, said to the Crabs, "Do your claws unscrew, or are they
fixtures? "

"They are all made to unscrew," said the Crabs; and forthwith they
deposited a great pile of claws close to the boat, with which Violet
uncombed all the pale pink worsted, and then made the loveliest mittens
with it you can imagine. These the Crabs, having resumed and screwed on
their claws, placed cheerfully upon their wrists, and walked away rapidly
on their hind-legs, warbling songs with a silvery voice and in a minor key.

After this, the four little people sailed on again till they came to a vast
and wide plain of astonishing dimensions, on which nothing whatever could
be discovered at first; but, as the travellers walked onward, there
appeared in the extreme and dim distance a single object, which on a nearer
approach, and on an accurately cutaneous inspection, seemed to be somebody
in a large white wig, sitting on an arm-chair made of sponge-cakes and
oyster-shells. "It does not quite look like a human being," said Violet
doubtfully; nor could they make out what it really was, till the
Quangle-Wangle (who had previously been round the world) exclaimed softly
in a loud voice, "It is the co-operative Cauliflower! "

[Illustration]

And so, in truth, it was: and they soon found that what they had taken for
an immense wig was in reality the top of the Cauliflower; and that he had
no feet at all, being able to walk tolerably well with a fluctuating and
graceful movement on a single cabbage-stalk,--an accomplishment which
naturally saved him the expense of stockings and shoes.

Presently, while the whole party from the boat was gazing at him with
mingled affection and disgust, he suddenly arose, and, in a somewhat
plumdomphious manner, hurried off towards the setting sun,--his steps
supported by two superincumbent confidential Cucumbers, and a large number
of Waterwagtails proceeding in advance of him by three and three in a
row,--till he finally disappeared on the brink of the western sky in a
crystal cloud of sudorific sand.

[Illustration]

So remarkable a sight, of course, impressed the four children very deeply;
and they returned immediately to their boat with a strong sense of
undeveloped asthma and a great appetite.

Shortly after this, the travellers were obliged to sail directly below some
high overhanging rocks, from the top of one of which a particularly odious
little boy, dressed in rose-colored knickerbockers, and with a pewter plate
upon his head, threw an enormous pumpkin at the boat, by which it was
instantly upset.

[Illustration]

But this upsetting was of no consequence, because all the party knew how to
swim very well: and, in fact, they preferred swimming about till after the
moon rose; when, the water growing chilly, they sponge-taneously entered
the boat. Meanwhile the Quangle-Wangle threw back the pumpkin with immense
force, so that it hit the rocks where the malicious little boy in
rose-colored knickerbockers was sitting; when, being quite full of
lucifer-matches, the pumpkin exploded surreptitiously into a thousand bits;
whereon the rocks instantly took fire, and the odious little boy became
unpleasantly hotter and hotter and hotter, till his knickerbockers were
turned quite green, and his nose was burnt off.

Two or three days after this had happened, they came to another place,
where they found nothing at all except some wide and deep pits full of
mulberry-jam. This is the property of the tiny, yellow-nosed Apes who
abound in these districts, and who store up the mulberry-jam for their food
in winter, when they mix it with pellucid pale periwinkle-soup, and serve
it out in wedgewood china-bowls, which grow freely all over that part of
the country. Only one of the yellow-nosed Apes was on the spot, and he was
fast asleep; yet the four travellers and the Quangle-Wangle and Pussy were
so terrified by the violence and sanguinary sound of his snoring, that they
merely took a small cupful of the jam, and returned to re-embark in their
boat without delay.

What was their horror on seeing the boat (including the churn and the
tea-kettle) in the mouth of an enormous Seeze Pyder, an aquatic and
ferocious creature truly dreadful to behold, and, happily, only met with in
those excessive longitudes! In a moment, the beautiful boat was bitten into
fifty-five thousand million hundred billion bits; and it instantly became
quite clear that Violet, Slingsby, Guy, and Lionel could no longer
preliminate their voyage by sea.

The four travellers were therefore obliged to resolve on pursuing their
wanderings by land: and, very fortunately, there happened to pass by at
that moment an elderly Rhinoceros, on which they seized; and, all four
mounting on his back,--the Quangle-Wangle sitting on his horn, and holding
on by his ears, and the Pussy-Cat swinging at the end of his tail,--they
set off, having only four small beans and three pounds of mashed potatoes
to last through their whole journey.

[Illustration]

They were, however, able to catch numbers of the chickens and turkeys and
other birds who incessantly alighted on the head of the Rhinoceros for the
purpose of gathering the seeds of the rhododendron-plants which grew
there; and these creatures they cooked in the most translucent and
satisfactory manner by means of a fire lighted on the end of the
Rhinoceros's back. A crowd of Kangaroos and gigantic Cranes accompanied
them, from feelings of curiosity and complacency; so that they were never
at a loss for company, and went onward, as it were, in a sort of profuse
and triumphant procession.

Thus in less than eighteen weeks they all arrived safely at home, where
they were received by their admiring relatives with joy tempered with
contempt, and where they finally resolved to carry out the rest of their
travelling-plans at some more favorable opportunity.

As for the Rhinoceros, in token of their grateful adherence, they had him
killed and stuffed directly, and then set him up outside the door of their
father's house as a diaphanous doorscraper.

[Illustration]




THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN FAMILIES OF
THE LAKE PIPPLE-POPPLE.


CHAPTER I.

INTRODUCTORY.

In former days,--that is to say, once upon a time,--there lived in the Land
of Gramble-Blamble seven families. They lived by the side of the great Lake
Pipple-Popple (one of the seven families, indeed, lived _in_ the lake), and
on the outskirts of the city of Tosh, which, excepting when it was quite
dark, they could see plainly. The names of all these places you have
probably heard of; and you have only not to look in your geography-books to
find out all about them.

Now, the seven families who lived on the borders of the great Lake
Pipple-Popple were as follows in the next chapter.


CHAPTER II.

THE SEVEN FAMILIES.