No More Learning

The thunder of your words has soured the milk of human
kindness in my breast;--Zounds! as the man in the play says, _I could
do such deeds! _

Sir LUCIUS
Come, come, there must be no passion at all in the case--these things
should always be done civilly.

ACRES
I must be in a passion, Sir Lucius--I must be in a rage. --Dear Sir
Lucius, let me be in a rage, if you love me. Come, here's pen and
paper. --[Sits down to write. ] I would the ink were red! --Indite, I say,
indite! --How shall I begin? Odds bullets and blades! I'll write a good
bold hand, however.

Sir LUCIUS
Pray compose yourself.

ACRES
Come--now, shall I begin with an oath? Do, Sir Lucius, let me begin
with a damme.

Sir LUCIUS
Pho! pho! do the thing decently, and like a Christian. Begin now--_Sir
----_

ACRES
That's too civil by half.

Sir LUCIUS
_To prevent the confusion that might arise----_

ACRES
Well----

Sir LUCIUS
_From our both addressing the same lady----_

ACRES
Ay, there's the reason--_same_ lady--well----

Sir LUCIUS
_I shall expect the honour of your company----_

ACRES
Zounds! I'm not asking him to dinner.

Sir LUCIUS
Pray be easy.

ACRES
Well, then, _honour of your company----_

Sir LUCIUS
_To settle our pretensions----_

ACRES
Well.

Sir LUCIUS
Let me see, ay, King's-Mead-Fields will do--_in King's-Mead-Fields. _

ACRES
So, that's done--Well, I'll fold it up presently; my own crest--a hand
and dagger shall be the seal.

Sir LUCIUS
You see now this little explanation will put a stop at once to all
confusion or misunderstanding that might arise between you.

ACRES
Ay, we fight to prevent any misunderstanding.

Sir LUCIUS
Now, I'll leave you to fix your own time. --Take my advice, and you'll
decide it this evening if you can; then let the worst come of it,
'twill be off your mind to-morrow.

ACRES
Very true.

Sir LUCIUS
So I shall see nothing of you, unless it be by letter, till the
evening. --I would do myself the honour to carry your message; but, to
tell you a secret, I believe I shall have just such another affair on
my own hands. There is a gay captain here, who put a jest on me lately,
at the expense of my country, and I only want to fall in with the
gentleman, to call him out.

ACRES
By my valour, I should like to see you fight first! Odds life! I should
like to see you kill him if it was only to get a little lesson.

Sir LUCIUS
I shall be very proud of instructing you. --Well for the present--but
remember now, when you meet your antagonist, do every thing in a mild
and agreeable manner. --Let your courage be as keen, but at the same
time as polished, as your sword.

[Exeunt severally. ]


* * * * * * * * * * *


ACT IV

* * * * * * *


Scene I--ACRES' Lodgings.
[ACRES and DAVID. ]

DAVID
Then, by the mass, sir! I would do no such thing--ne'er a Sir Lucius
O'Trigger in the kingdom should make me fight, when I wasn't so minded.
Oons! what will the old lady say, when she hears o't?

ACRES
Ah! David, if you had heard Sir Lucius! --Odds sparks and flames! he
would have roused your valour.

DAVID
Not he, indeed. I hate such bloodthirsty cormorants. Look'ee, master,
if you wanted a bout at boxing, quarter staff, or short-staff, I should
never be the man to bid you cry off: but for your curst sharps and
snaps, I never knew any good come of 'em.

ACRES
But my honour, David, my honour! I must be very careful of my honour.

DAVID
Ay, by the mass! and I would be very careful of it; and I think in
return my honour couldn't do less than to be very careful of me.

ACRES
Odds blades! David, no gentleman will ever risk the loss of his honour!

DAVID
I say then, it would be but civil in honour never to risk the loss of a
gentleman. --Look'ee, master, this honour seems to me to be a marvellous
false friend: ay, truly, a very courtier-like servant. --Put the case, I
was a gentleman (which, thank God, no one can say of me;) well--my
honour makes me quarrel with another gentleman of my
acquaintance. --So--we fight. (Pleasant enough that! ) Boh! --I kill
him--(the more's my luck! ) now, pray who gets the profit of it? --Why,
my honour. But put the case that he kills me! --by the mass! I go to the
worms, and my honour whips over to my enemy.

ACRES
No, David--in that case! --odds crowns and laurels! your honour follows
you to the grave.

DAVID
Now, that's just the place where I could make a shift to do without it.

ACRES
Zounds! David, you are a coward! --It doesn't become my valour to listen
to you. --What, shall I disgrace my ancestors? --Think of that,
David--think what it would be to disgrace my ancestors!

DAVID
Under favour, the surest way of not disgracing them, is to keep as long
as you can out of their company. Look'ee now, master, to go to them in
such haste--with an ounce of lead in your brains--I should think might
as well be let alone. Our ancestors are very good kind of folks; but
they are the last people I should choose to have a visiting
acquaintance with.

ACRES
But, David, now, you don't think there is such very, very, very great
danger, hey? --Odds life! people often fight without any mischief done!

DAVID
By the mass, I think 'tis ten to one against you! --Oons! here to meet
some lion-headed fellow, I warrant, with his damned double-barrelled
swords, and cut-and-thrust pistols! --Lord bless us! it makes me tremble
to think o't--Those be such desperate bloody-minded weapons! Well, I
never could abide 'em! --from a child I never could fancy 'em! --I
suppose there an't been so merciless a beast in the world as your
loaded pistol!

ACRES
Zounds! I won't be afraid! --Odds fire and fury! you shan't make me
afraid. --Here is the challenge, and I have sent for my dear friend Jack
Absolute to carry it for me.

DAVID
Ay, i' the name of mischief, let him be the messenger. --For my part I
wouldn't lend a hand to it for the best horse in your stable. By the
mass! it don't look like another letter! It is, as I may say, a
designing and malicious-looking letter; and I warrant smells of
gunpowder like a soldier's pouch! --Oons! I wouldn't swear it mayn't go
off!

ACRES
Out, you poltroon! you ha'n't the valour of a grasshopper.

DAVID
Well, I say no more--'twill be sad news, to be sure, at Clod-Hall! but
I ha' done. --How Phillis will howl when she hears of it! --Ay, poor
bitch, she little thinks what shooting her master's going after! And I
warrant old Crop, who has carried your honour, field and road, these
ten years, will curse the hour he was born. [Whimpering. ]

ACRES
It won't do, David--I am determined to fight--so get along you coward,
while I'm in the mind.

[Enter SERVANT. ]

SERVANT
Captain Absolute, sir.

ACRES
Oh! show him up.

[Exit SERVANT. ]

DAVID
Well, Heaven send we be all alive this time to-morrow.

ACRES
What's that? --Don't provoke me, David!

DAVID
Good-bye, master. [Whimpering. ]

ACRES
Get along, you cowardly, dastardly, croaking raven!

[Exit DAVID. ]

[Enter CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE. ]

ABSOLUTE
What's the matter, Bob?

ACRES
A vile, sheep-hearted blockhead! If I hadn't the valour of St. George
and the dragon to boot----

ABSOLUTE
But what did you want with me, Bob?

ACRES
Oh! --There---- [Gives him the challenge. ]

ABSOLUTE
[Aside. ] To Ensign Beverley. --So, what's going on now? --[Aloud. ] Well,
what's this?

ACRES
A challenge!

ABSOLUTE
Indeed! Why, you won't fight him; will you, Bob?

ACRES
Egad, but I will, Jack. Sir Lucius has wrought me to it. He has left me
full of rage--and I'll fight this evening, that so much good passion
mayn't be wasted.

ABSOLUTE
But what have I to do with this?

ACRES
Why, as I think you know something of this fellow, I want you to find
him out for me, and give him this mortal defiance.

ABSOLUTE
Well, give it to me, and trust me he gets it.

ACRES
Thank you, my dear friend, my dear Jack; but it is giving you a great
deal of trouble.

ABSOLUTE
Not in the least--I beg you won't mention it. --No trouble in the world,
I assure you.

ACRES
You are very kind. --What it is to have a friend! --You couldn't be my
second, could you, Jack?

ABSOLUTE
Why no, Bob--not in this affair--it would not be quite so proper.

ACRES
Well, then, I must get my friend Sir Lucius. I shall have your good
wishes, however, Jack?

ABSOLUTE
Whenever he meets you, believe me.

[Re-enter SERVANT. ]

SERVANT
Sir Anthony Absolute is below, inquiring for the captain.

ABSOLUTE
I'll come instantly. ----

[Exit SERVANT. ]

Well, my little hero, success attend you. [Going. ]

ACRES
----Stay--stay, Jack. --If Beverley should ask you what kind of a man
your friend Acres is, do tell him I am a devil of a fellow--will you,
Jack?

ABSOLUTE
To be sure I shall. I'll say you are a determined dog--hey, Bob!

ACRES
Ah, do, do--and if that frightens him, egad, perhaps he mayn't come. So
tell him I generally kill a man a week; will you, Jack?

ABSOLUTE
I will, I will; I'll say you are called in the country Fighting Bob.

ACRES
Right--right--'tis all to prevent mischief; for I don't want to take
his life if I clear my honour.

ABSOLUTE
No! --that's very kind of you.

ACRES
Why, you don't wish me to kill him--do you, Jack?

ABSOLUTE
No, upon my soul, I do not. But a devil of a fellow, hey? [Going. ]

ACRES
True, true--but stay--stay, Jack--you may add, that you never saw me in
such a rage before--a most devouring rage!

ABSOLUTE
I will, I will.

ACRES
Remember, Jack--a determined dog!

ABSOLUTE
Ay, ay, Fighting Bob!

[Exeunt severally. ]

* * * * * * *


Scene II--Mrs. MALAPROP's Lodgings.
[Mrs. MALAPROP and LYDIA. ]

Mrs. MALAPROP
Why, thou perverse one! --tell me what you can object to him? Isn't he a
handsome man? --tell me that. A genteel man? a pretty figure of a man?

LYDIA
[Aside. ] She little thinks whom she is praising! --[Aloud. ] So is
Beverley, ma'am.

Mrs. MALAPROP
No caparisons, miss, if you please.
Caparisons don't become a young
woman. No! Captain Absolute is indeed a fine gentleman!

LYDIA
[Aside. ] Ay, the Captain Absolute you have seen.

Mrs. MALAPROP
Then he's so well bred;--so full of alacrity, and adulation! --and has
so much to say for himself:--in such good language, too! His
physiognomy so grammatical! Then his presence is so noble! I protest,
when I saw him, I thought of what Hamlet says in the play:--
"Hesperian curls--the front of Job himself! --
An eye, like March, to threaten at command! --
A station, like Harry Mercury, new----"
Something about kissing--on a hill--however, the similitude struck me
directly.

LYDIA
[Aside. ] How enraged she'll be presently, when she discovers her
mistake!

[Enter SERVANT. ]

SERVANT
Sir Anthony and Captain Absolute are below, ma'am.

Mrs. MALAPROP
Show them up here. ----

[Exit SERVANT. ]

Now, Lydia, I insist on your behaving as becomes a young woman. Show
your good breeding, at least, though you have forgot your duty.

LYDIA
Madam, I have told you my resolution! --I shall not only give him no
encouragement, but I won't even speak to, or look at him. [Flings
herself into a chair, with her face from the door. ]

[Enter Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE and CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE. ]

Sir ANTHONY
Here we are, Mrs. Malaprop; come to mitigate the frowns of unrelenting
beauty,--and difficulty enough I had to bring this fellow. --I don't
know what's the matter; but if I had not held him by force, he'd have
given me the slip.

Mrs. MALAPROP
You have infinite trouble, Sir Anthony, in the affair. I am ashamed for
the cause! --[Aside to LYDIA. ] Lydia, Lydia, rise, I beseech you! --pay
your respects!

Sir ANTHONY
I hope, madam, that Miss Languish has reflected on the worth of this
gentleman, and the regard due to her aunt's choice, and my
alliance. --[Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE. ] Now, Jack, speak to her.

ABSOLUTE
[Aside. ] What the devil shall I do! --[Aside to Sir ANTHONY. ] You see,
sir, she won't even look at me whilst you are here. I knew she
wouldn't! I told you so. Let me entreat you, sir, to leave us together!
[Seems to expostulate with his father. ]

LYDIA
[Aside. ] I wonder I ha'n't heard my aunt exclaim yet! sure she can't
have looked at him! --perhaps the regimentals are alike, and she is
something blind.

Sir ANTHONY
I say, sir, I won't stir a foot yet!

Mrs. MALAPROP
I am sorry to say, Sir Anthony, that my affluence over my niece is very
small. --[Aside to LYDIA. ] Turn round, Lydia: I blush for you!

Sir ANTHONY
May I not flatter myself, that Miss Languish will assign what cause of
dislike she can have to my son! --[Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE. ] Why don't
you begin, Jack? --Speak, you puppy--speak!

Mrs. MALAPROP
It is impossible, Sir Anthony, she can have any. She will not say she
has. --[Aside to LYDIA. ] Answer, hussy! why don't you answer?

Sir ANTHONY
Then, madam, I trust that a childish and hasty predilection will be no
bar to Jack's happiness. --[Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE. ] Zounds! sirrah!
why don't you speak?

LYDIA
[Aside. ] I think my lover seems as little inclined to conversation as
myself. --How strangely blind my aunt must be!

ABSOLUTE
Hem! hem! madam--hem! --[Attempts to speak, then returns to Sir
ANTHONY. ] Faith! sir, I am so confounded! --and--so--so--confused! --I
told you I should be so, sir--I knew it. --The--the--tremor of my
passion entirely takes away my presence of mind.

Sir ANTHONY
But it don't take away your voice, fool, does it? --Go up, and speak to
her directly!

[CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE makes signs to Mrs. MALAPROP to leave them together. ]

Mrs. MALAPROP
Sir Anthony, shall we leave them together? --[Aside to LYDIA. ] Ah! you
stubborn little vixen!

Sir ANTHONY
Not yet, ma'am, not yet! --[Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE. ] What the devil
are you at? unlock your jaws, sirrah, or----

ABSOLUTE
[Aside. ] Now Heaven send she may be too sullen to look round! --I must
disguise my voice. --[Draws near LYDIA, and speaks in a low hoarse
tone. ] Will not Miss Languish lend an ear to the mild accents of true
love? Will not----

Sir ANTHONY
What the devil ails the fellow? why don't you speak out? --not stand
croaking like a frog in a quinsy!

ABSOLUTE
The--the--excess of my awe, and my--my--my modesty, quite choke me!

Sir ANTHONY
Ah! your modesty again! --I'll tell you what, Jack; if you don't speak
out directly, and glibly too, I shall be in such a rage! --Mrs.
Malaprop, I wish the lady would favour us with something more than a
side-front.

[Mrs. MALAPROP seems to chide LYDIA. ]

ABSOLUTE
[Aside. ] So all will out, I see! --[Goes up to LYDIA, speaks softly. ] Be
not surprised, my Lydia, suppress all surprise at present.

LYDIA
[Aside. ] Heavens! 'tis Beverley's voice! Sure he can't have imposed on
Sir Anthony too! --[Looks round by degrees, then starts up. ] Is this
possible! --my Beverley! --how can this be? --my Beverley?

ABSOLUTE
[Aside. ] Ah! 'tis all over.

Sir ANTHONY
Beverley! --the devil--Beverley! --What can the girl mean? --this is my
son, Jack Absolute.

Mrs. MALAPROP
For shame, hussy! for shame! your head runs so on that fellow, that you
have him always in your eyes! --beg Captain Absolute's pardon directly.

LYDIA
I see no Captain Absolute, but my loved Beverley!

Sir ANTHONY
Zounds! the girl's mad! --her brain's turned by reading.

Mrs. MALAPROP
O' my conscience, I believe so! --What do you mean by Beverley,
hussy? --You saw Captain Absolute before to-day; there he is--your
husband that shall be.

LYDIA
With all my soul, ma'am--when I refuse my Beverley----

Sir ANTHONY
Oh! she's as mad as Bedlam! --or has this fellow been playing us a
rogue's trick! --Come here, sirrah, who the devil are you?

ABSOLUTE
Faith, sir, I am not quite clear myself; but I'll endeavour to
recollect.

Sir ANTHONY
Are you my son or not? --answer for your mother, you dog, if you won't
for me.

Mrs. MALAPROP
Ay, sir, who are you? O mercy! I begin to suspect! ----

ABSOLUTE
[Aside. ] Ye powers of impudence, befriend me! --[Aloud. ] Sir Anthony,
most assuredly I am your wife's son: and that I sincerely believe
myself to be yours also, I hope my duty has always shown. --Mrs.
Malaprop, I am your most respectful admirer, and shall be proud to add
affectionate nephew. --I need not tell my Lydia, that she sees her
faithful Beverley, who, knowing the singular generosity of her temper,
assumed that name and station, which has proved a test of the most
disinterested love, which he now hopes to enjoy in a more elevated
character.

LYDIA
[Sullenly. ] So! --there will be no elopement after all!

Sir ANTHONY
Upon my soul, Jack, thou art a very impudent fellow! to do you justice,
I think I never saw a piece of more consummate assurance!

ABSOLUTE
Oh, you flatter me, sir--you compliment--'tis my modesty, you know,
sir,--my modesty that has stood in my way.

Sir ANTHONY
Well, I am glad you are not the dull, insensible varlet you pretended
to be, however! --I'm glad you have made a fool of your father, you
dog--I am. So this was your _penitence_, your _duty_ and
_obedience! _--I thought it was damned sudden! --_You never heard their
names before_, not you! --_what, the Languishes of Worcestershire_,
hey? --_if you could please me in the affair it was all you
desired! _--Ah! you dissembling villain! --What! --[Pointing to Lydia]
_She squints, don't she? --a little red-haired girl! _--hey? --Why, you
hypocritical young rascal! --I wonder you ain't ashamed to hold up your
head!

ABSOLUTE
'Tis with difficulty, sir. --I am confused--very much confused, as you
must perceive.

Mrs. MALAPROP
O Lud! Sir Anthony! --a new light breaks in upon me! --hey! --how! what!
captain, did you write the letters then? --What--am I to thank you for
the elegant compilation of _an old weather-beaten she-dragon_--hey! --O
mercy! --was it you that reflected on my parts of speech?

ABSOLUTE
Dear sir! my modesty will be overpowered at last, if you don't assist
me--I shall certainly not be able to stand it!

Sir ANTHONY
Come, come, Mrs. Malaprop, we must forget and forgive;--odds life!
matters have taken so clever a turn all of a sudden, that I could find
in my heart to be so good-humoured! and so gallant!