'-'I can't disguise from you,' I say, 'Alexandra Andreëvna,
you are certainly in danger; but God is merciful.
you are certainly in danger; but God is merciful.
Warner - World's Best Literature - v25 - Tas to Tur
Well, it's all the same.
"
(He cleared his throat and rubbed his eyes. ) "Well, you see,
the thing happened, to tell you exactly without mistake, in Lent,
at the very time of the thaws. I was sitting at his house-our
judge's, you know-playing preference. Our judge is a good
fellow, and fond of playing preference. Suddenly" (the doc-
tor made frequent use of this word "suddenly ") "they tell me,
'There's a servant asking for you. ' I say, 'What does he want? '
They say, 'He has brought a note-it must be from a patient. '
'Give me the note,' I say. So it is from a patient-well and
good; you understand - it's our bread and butter.
## p. 15083 (#671) ##########################################
IVAN TURGENEFF
15083
"But this is how it was: a lady, a widow, writes to me; she
says, 'My daughter is dying. Come, for God's sake! ' she says;
'and the horses have been sent for you. ' Well, that's all right.
But she was twenty miles from the town, and it was midnight
out of doors, and the roads in such a state-my word! And as
she was poor herself, one could not expect more than two silver
roubles, and even that problematic; and perhaps it might only be
a matter of a roll of linen and a sack of oatmeal in payment.
However, duty, you know, before everything: a fellow-creature
may be dying. I hand over my cards at once to Kalliopin, the
member of the provincial commission, and return home. I look:
a wretched little trap was standing at the steps, with peasant's
horses, fat-too fat-and their coat as shaggy as felt; and the
coachman sitting with his cap off out of respect. Well, I think
to myself, 'It's clear, my friend, these patients aren't rolling in
riches. ' You smile; but I tell you a poor man like me has to
take everything into consideration. If the coachman sits like a
prince, and doesn't touch his cap, and even sneers at you behind
his beard, and flicks his whip-then you may bet on six roubles.
But this case, I saw, had a very different air. However, I think
there's no help for it: duty before everything. I snatch up the
most necessary drugs, and set off.
"Will you believe it-I only just managed to get there at
all. The road was infernal: streams, snow, watercourses, and the
dike had suddenly burst there that was the worst of it! How-
ever, I arrived at last. It was a little thatched house. There
was a light in the windows; that meant they expected me. I
was met by an old lady, very venerable, in a cap. Save her! '
she says: 'she is dying. ' I say, 'Pray don't distress yourself:
where is the invalid? '-'Come this way. '-I see a clean little
room, a lamp in the corner; on the bed a girl of twenty, uncon-
scious. She was in a burning heat, and breathing heavily; it was
fever. There were two other girls, her sisters, scared and in
'Yesterday,' they tell me, 'she was perfectly well and had
tears.
a good appetite; this morning she complained of her head, and
this evening, suddenly, you see, like this. ' I say again, ‘Pray
don't be uneasy;' it's a doctor's duty, you know; - and I went
up to her and bled her, told them to put on a mustard plaster,
and prescribed a mixture. Meantime I looked at her; I looked
at her, you know - there, by God! I had never seen such a face!
She was a beauty, in a word! I felt quite shaken with pity.
____
## p. 15084 (#672) ##########################################
15084
IVAN TURGENEFF
Such lovely features; such eyes! But thank God! she became
easier; she fell into a perspiration, seemed to come to her senses,
looked round, smiled, and passed her hand over her face. Her
sisters bent over her. They ask, 'How are you? ' 'All right,'
she says, and turns away. I looked at her; she had fallen asleep.
'Well,' I say, 'now the patient should be left alone. ' So we
all went out on tiptoe; only a maid remained, in case she was
wanted.
In the parlor there was a samovar standing on the table, and
a bottle of rum; in our profession one can't get on without it.
They gave me tea; asked me to stop the night. I consented:
where could I go, indeed, at that time of night? The old lady
kept groaning. 'What is it? ' I say: 'she will live; don't worry
yourself: you had better take a little rest yourself; it is about
two o'clock. ' 'But will you send to wake me if anything hap-
pens? ' 'Yes, yes. ' - The old lady went away, and the girls too
went to their own room; they made up a bed for me in the par-
lor. Well, I went to bed- but I could not get to sleep, for a
wonder! for in reality I was very tired. I could not get my
patient out of my head. At last I could not put up with it
any longer: I got up suddenly; I think to myself, I will go and
see how the patient is getting on. ' Her bedroom was next to
the parlor. Well, I got up, and gently opened the door; how my
heart beat! I looked in: the servant was asleep, her mouth wide
open, and even snoring, the wretch! but the patient lay with her
face towards me, and her arms flung wide apart, poor girl! I
went up to her, when suddenly she opened her eyes and stared
at me: 'Who is it? who is it? ' I was in confusion. 'Don't be
alarmed, madam,' I say: 'I am the doctor; I have come to see
how you feel. '-'You the doctor? ' 'Yes, the doctor; your mother
sent for me from the town: we have bled you, madam; now
pray go to sleep, and in a day or two, please God, we will set
you on your feet again. ' 'Ah, yes, yes, doctor, don't let me die—
please, please. '-'Why do you talk like that? God bless you! '
She is in a fever again, I think to myself; I felt her pulse: yes,
she was feverish. She looked at me, and then took me by the
hand: 'I will tell you why I don't want to die; I will tell you.
Now we
are alone; and only, please don't you - not to any
one. Listen. ' I bent down; she moved her lips quite to my
ear; she touched my cheek with her hair-I confess my head
went round-and began to whisper. I could make out nothing
-
―
## p. 15085 (#673) ##########################################
IVAN TURGENEFF
15085
of it. Ah, she was delirious! She whispered and whispered, but
so quickly, and as if it were not in Russian; at last she finished,
and shivering dropped her head on the pillow, and threatened me.
with her finger: 'Remember, doctor, to no one. ' I calmed her
somehow, gave her something to drink, waked the servant, and
went away. "
At this point the doctor again took snuff with exasperated
energy, and for a moment seemed stupefied by its effects.
"However," he continued, "the next day, contrary to my ex-
pectations, the patient was no better. I thought and thought, and
suddenly decided to remain there, even though my other patients
were expecting me. And you know one can't afford to disregard
that: one's practice suffers if one does. But in the first place, the
patient was really in danger; and secondly, to tell the truth, I
felt strongly drawn to her. Besides, I liked the whole family.
Though they were really badly off, they were singularly—I may
say cultivated people. Their father had been a learned man,
an author: he died of course in poverty, but he had managed
before he died to give his children an excellent education; he
left a lot of books too. Either because I looked after the invalid
very carefully, or for some other reason anyway, I can venture
to say all the household loved me as if I were one of the family.
"Meantime the roads were in a worse state than ever: all
communications, so to say, were cut off completely; even medi-
cine could with difficulty be got from the town. The sick girl
was not getting better. Day after day, and day after day-
but here" (The doctor made a brief pause. ) "I declare I
don't know how to tell you. " (He again took snuff, coughed, and
swallowed a little tea. ) "I will tell you without beating about
the bush. My patient - how should I say? Well, she had fallen
in love with me- or no, it was not that she was in love-how-
ever - really, how should one say? " (The doctor looked down
and grew red. ) "No," he went on quickly: "in love, indeed!
A man should not overestimate himself. She was an educated
girl, clever and well-read; and I had even forgotten my Latin,
one may say, completely. As to appearance" (the doctor looked.
himself over with a smile), "I am nothing to boast of there
either. But God Almighty did not make me a fool: I don't take
black for white; I know a thing or two; I could see very clearly,
for instance, that Alexandra Andreëvna (that was her name) did.
not feel love for me, but had a friendly—so to say-inclination —
―
――
## p. 15086 (#674) ##########################################
15086
IVAN TURGENEFF
a respect or something for me. Though she herself perhaps
mistook this sentiment, anyway this was her attitude: you may
form your own judgment of it. But," added the doctor, who
had brought out all these disconnected sentences without taking
breath, and with obvious embarrassment, "I seem to be wander-
ing rather you won't understand anything like this. There,
with your leave, I will relate it all in order. "
He drank off a glass of tea, and began in a calmer voice.
"Well, then. My patient kept getting worse and worse. You
are not a doctor, my good sir: you cannot understand what passes
in a poor fellow's heart, especially at first, when he begins to
suspect that the disease is getting the upper hand of him. What
becomes of his belief in himself? You suddenly grow so timid:
it's indescribable. You fancy then that you have forgotten every-
thing you knew, and that the patient has no faith in you, and
that other people begin to notice how distracted you are, and
tell you the symptoms with reluctance; that they are looking at
you suspiciously, whispering. Ah! it's horrid! There must be a
remedy, you think, for this disease, if one could find it. Isn't
this it? You try-
no, that's not it! You don't allow the medi-
cine the necessary time to do good. You clutch at one thing,
then at another. Sometimes you take up a book of medical pre-
scriptions-here it is, you think! Sometimes, by Jove, you pick
one out by chance, thinking to leave it to fate. But meantime
a fellow-creature's dying, and another doctor would have saved
him. 'We must have a consultation,' you say: 'I will not take
the responsibility on myself. ' And what a fool you look at such
times! Well, in time you learn to bear it: it's nothing to you.
A man has died - but it's not your fault: you treated him by
the rules.
-
"But what's still more torture to you is to see blind faith
in you, and to feel yourself that you are not able to be of use.
Well, it was just this blind faith that the whole of Alexandra
Andreëvna's family had in me; they had forgotten to think that
their daughter, was in danger. I, too, on my side assure them
that it's nothing; but meantime my heart sinks into my boots.
To add to our troubles, the roads were in such a state that the
coachman was gone for whole days together to get medicine.
And I never left the patient's room; I could not tear myself
away: I tell her amusing stories, you know, and play cards with
her. I watch by her side at night. The old mother thanks me
## p. 15087 (#675) ##########################################
IVAN TURGENEFF
15087
with tears in her eyes: but I think to myself, 'I don't deserve
your gratitude. ' I frankly confess to you- there is no object in
concealing it now-I was in love with my patient. And Alex-
andra Andreëvna had grown fond of me; sometimes she would
not let any one be in her room but me. She began to talk to
me, to ask me questions: where I had studied, how I lived, who
are my people, whom I go to see. I feel that she ought not
to talk; but forbid her to forbid her resolutely, you know-
I could not. Sometimes I held my head in my hands, and asked
myself, 'What are you doing, villain? ' And she would take
my hand and hold it, give me a long, long look, and turn away,
sigh, and say, 'How good you are! ' Her hands were so fever-
ish, her eyes so large and languid. 'Yes,' she says, 'you are a
good, kind man; you are not like our neighbors. No, you are
not like that. Why did I not know you till now! ' 'Alexandra
Andreëvna, calm yourself,' I say. 'I feel-believe me, I don't
know how I have gained-but there, calm yourself. All will be
right; you will be well again. '
"And meanwhile I must tell you," continued the doctor,
bending forward and raising his eyebrows, "that they associated
very little with the neighbors, because the smaller people were
not on their level, and pride hindered them from being friendly
with the rich. I tell you, they were an exceptionally cultivated
family; so you know it was gratifying for me. She would only
take her medicine from my hands; she would lift herself up,
poor' girl, with my aid, take it, and gaze at me. My heart felt
as if it were bursting. And meanwhile she was growing worse
and worse, worse and worse, all the time: she will die, I think
to myself; she must die. Believe me,
I would sooner have
gone to the grave myself: and here were her mother and sis-
ters watching me, looking into my eyes; and their faith in me
was wearing away. 'Well, how is she? '-'Oh, all right, all
right! ' All right, indeed! My mind was failing me.
"Well, I was sitting one night alone again by my patient.
The maid was sitting there too, and snoring away in full swing:
I can't find fault with the poor girl, though,- she was worn out
too. Alexandra Andreëvna had felt very unwell all the evening;
she was very feverish. Until midnight she kept tossing about: at
last she seemed to fall asleep; at least she lay still without stir-
ring. The lamp was burning in the corner before the holy
image. I sat there, you know, with my head bent; I even dozed
_______________
-
-
## p. 15088 (#676) ##########################################
15088
IVAN TURGENEFF
a little. Suddenly it seemed as though some one touched me
in the side; I turned round. Good God! Alexandra Andreëvna
was gazing with intent eyes at me, her lips parted, her cheeks
seemed burning. -'What is it? ''Doctor, shall I die? '- 'Mer-
ciful Heavens! ''No, doctor, no: please don't tell me I shall
live- don't say so. If you knew-listen! for God's sake don't
conceal my real position,' and her breath came so fast. 'If I
can know for certain that I must die, then I will tell you all-
all! '-'Alexandra Andreëvna, I beg! '-'Listen: I have not been
asleep at all. I have been looking at you a long while. For
God's sake! I believe in you; you are a good man, an honest
man; I entreat you by all that is sacred in the world-tell me
the truth! If you knew how important it is for me. Doctor,
for God's sake tell me. Am I in danger? '-'What can I tell
you, Alexandra Andreëvna, pray? '-'For God's sake, I beseech
you!
'-'I can't disguise from you,' I say, 'Alexandra Andreëvna,
you are certainly in danger; but God is merciful. '-'I shall die,
I shall die. ' And it seemed as though she were pleased, her
face grew so bright; I was alarmed. -'Don't be afraid, don't
be afraid! I am not frightened of death at all. ' She suddenly
sat up and leaned on her elbow. 'Now, yes, now I can tell
you that I thank you with my whole heart-that you are kind
and good-that I love you! ' I stare at her like one possessed;
it was terrible for me, you know. -'Do you hear, I love you! '.
'Alexandra Andreëvna, how have I deserved-' 'No, no, you
don't you don't understand me. ' And suddenly she stretched
out her arms, and taking my head in her hands, she kissed it.
"Believe me, I almost screamed aloud. I threw myself on my
knees, and buried my head in the pillow. She did not speak;
her fingers trembled in my hair; I listen; she is weeping. I
began to soothe her, to assure her; -I really don't know what
I did say to her. You will wake up the girl,' I say to her:
'Alexandra Andreëvna, I thank you- Believe me
Calm your-
self. ' 'Enough, enough! ' she persisted: 'never mind all of them;
let them awake, then; let them come in-it does not matter: I
am dying, you see. And what do you fear? why are you afraid ?
Lift up your head. - Or perhaps you don't love me; perhaps I
am wrong. In that case, forgive me. '-'Alexandra Andreëvna,
what are you saying! I love you, Alexandra Andreëvna. ' She
looked straight into my eyes, and opened her arms wide. Then
take me in your arms. ' I tell you frankly, I don't know how it
―――
――――
-
## p. 15089 (#677) ##########################################
IVAN TURGENEFF
15089
was I did not go mad that night. I feel that my patient is kill-
ing herself; I see that she is not fully herself; I understand, too,
that if she did not consider herself on the point of death she
would never have thought of me: and indeed, say what you will,
it's hard to die at twenty without having known love; this was
what was torturing her; this was why, in despair, she caught at
me- do you understand now? But she held me in her arms,
and would not let me go. 'Have pity on me, Alexandra An-
dreëvna, and have pity on yourself,' I say. 'Why,' she says,
'what is there to think of? You know I must die. ' This she
repeated incessantly. If I knew that I should return to life,
and be a proper young lady again, I should be ashamed-of
course, ashamed; but why now? '-'But who has said you will
die ? ' 'Oh, no, leave off! you will not deceive me; you don't
know how to lie-look at your face. '-'You shall live, Alex-
andra Andreëvna: I will cure you; we will ask your mother's
blessing we will be united-we will be happy. '-'No, no, I
have your word,-I must die: you have promised me
have told me. '
you
-
"It was cruel for me- - cruel for many reasons. And see what
trifling things can do sometimes; it seems nothing at all, but it's
painful. It occurred to her to ask me what is my name; not
my surname, but my first name. I must needs be so unlucky as
to be called Trifon. Yes indeed-Trifon Ivan'itch. Every one
in the house called me doctor. However, there's no help for it.
I say, 'Trifon, madam. ' She frowned, shook her head, and mut-
tered something in French—ah, something unpleasant, of course!
And then she laughed-disagreeably too. Well, I spent the
Before morning I went
When I went again into
whole night with her in this way.
away, feeling as though I were mad.
her room it was daytime, after morning tea. Good God! I could
scarcely recognize her; people are laid in their grave looking
better than that. I swear to you, on my honor, I don't under-
stand-I absolutely don't understand—now, how I lived through
that experience. Three days and nights my patient still lingered
on. And what nights! What things she said to me! And on
the last night—only imagine to yourself— I was sitting near her,
and kept praying to God for one thing only: 'Take her,' I said,
'quickly, and me with her. '
"Suddenly the old mother comes unexpectedly into the room.
I had already the evening before told her- the mother-there
XXV-944
## p. 15090 (#678) ##########################################
15090
IVAN TURGENEFF
was little hope, and it would be well to send for a priest.
When the sick girl saw her mother she said: 'It's very well you
have come: look at us, we love one another; we have given each
other our word. ' 'What does she say, doctor? what does she
say? ' I turned livid. 'She is wandering,' I say: 'the fever. '
But she-Hush, hush; you told me something quite different
just now, and have taken my ring. Why do you pretend? My
mother is good-she will forgive - she will understand — and
I am dying. I have no need to tell lies; give me your hand. '
I jumped up and ran out of the room. The lady, of course,
guessed how it was.
"I will not, however, weary you any longer; and to me too,
of course, it's painful to recall all this. My patient passed away
the next day. God rest her soul! " the doctor added, speaking
quickly and with a sigh. "Before her death she asked her family.
to go out and leave me alone with her. "
(( ་
you-
Forgive me,' she said: 'I am perhaps to blame towards
My illness But believe me, I have loved no one more
than you: do not forget me- keep my ring. '»
The doctor turned away; I took his hand.
"Ah! " he said, "let us talk of something else; - or would
you care to play preference for a small stake? It is not for peo-
ple like me to give way to exalted emotions. There's only one
thing for me to think of: how to keep the children from crying
and the wife from scolding. Since then, you know, I have had
time to enter into lawful wedlock, as they say. -Oh! I took
a merchant's daughter-seven thousand for her dowry. Her
name's Akulina: it goes well with Trifon. She is an ill-tempered
woman, I must tell you, but luckily she's asleep all day. Well,
shall it be preference? "
We sat down to preference for halfpenny points. Trifon
Ivan'itch won two roubles and a half from me, and went home
late, well pleased with his success.
―
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the Library on or before the last date
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## p.
(He cleared his throat and rubbed his eyes. ) "Well, you see,
the thing happened, to tell you exactly without mistake, in Lent,
at the very time of the thaws. I was sitting at his house-our
judge's, you know-playing preference. Our judge is a good
fellow, and fond of playing preference. Suddenly" (the doc-
tor made frequent use of this word "suddenly ") "they tell me,
'There's a servant asking for you. ' I say, 'What does he want? '
They say, 'He has brought a note-it must be from a patient. '
'Give me the note,' I say. So it is from a patient-well and
good; you understand - it's our bread and butter.
## p. 15083 (#671) ##########################################
IVAN TURGENEFF
15083
"But this is how it was: a lady, a widow, writes to me; she
says, 'My daughter is dying. Come, for God's sake! ' she says;
'and the horses have been sent for you. ' Well, that's all right.
But she was twenty miles from the town, and it was midnight
out of doors, and the roads in such a state-my word! And as
she was poor herself, one could not expect more than two silver
roubles, and even that problematic; and perhaps it might only be
a matter of a roll of linen and a sack of oatmeal in payment.
However, duty, you know, before everything: a fellow-creature
may be dying. I hand over my cards at once to Kalliopin, the
member of the provincial commission, and return home. I look:
a wretched little trap was standing at the steps, with peasant's
horses, fat-too fat-and their coat as shaggy as felt; and the
coachman sitting with his cap off out of respect. Well, I think
to myself, 'It's clear, my friend, these patients aren't rolling in
riches. ' You smile; but I tell you a poor man like me has to
take everything into consideration. If the coachman sits like a
prince, and doesn't touch his cap, and even sneers at you behind
his beard, and flicks his whip-then you may bet on six roubles.
But this case, I saw, had a very different air. However, I think
there's no help for it: duty before everything. I snatch up the
most necessary drugs, and set off.
"Will you believe it-I only just managed to get there at
all. The road was infernal: streams, snow, watercourses, and the
dike had suddenly burst there that was the worst of it! How-
ever, I arrived at last. It was a little thatched house. There
was a light in the windows; that meant they expected me. I
was met by an old lady, very venerable, in a cap. Save her! '
she says: 'she is dying. ' I say, 'Pray don't distress yourself:
where is the invalid? '-'Come this way. '-I see a clean little
room, a lamp in the corner; on the bed a girl of twenty, uncon-
scious. She was in a burning heat, and breathing heavily; it was
fever. There were two other girls, her sisters, scared and in
'Yesterday,' they tell me, 'she was perfectly well and had
tears.
a good appetite; this morning she complained of her head, and
this evening, suddenly, you see, like this. ' I say again, ‘Pray
don't be uneasy;' it's a doctor's duty, you know; - and I went
up to her and bled her, told them to put on a mustard plaster,
and prescribed a mixture. Meantime I looked at her; I looked
at her, you know - there, by God! I had never seen such a face!
She was a beauty, in a word! I felt quite shaken with pity.
____
## p. 15084 (#672) ##########################################
15084
IVAN TURGENEFF
Such lovely features; such eyes! But thank God! she became
easier; she fell into a perspiration, seemed to come to her senses,
looked round, smiled, and passed her hand over her face. Her
sisters bent over her. They ask, 'How are you? ' 'All right,'
she says, and turns away. I looked at her; she had fallen asleep.
'Well,' I say, 'now the patient should be left alone. ' So we
all went out on tiptoe; only a maid remained, in case she was
wanted.
In the parlor there was a samovar standing on the table, and
a bottle of rum; in our profession one can't get on without it.
They gave me tea; asked me to stop the night. I consented:
where could I go, indeed, at that time of night? The old lady
kept groaning. 'What is it? ' I say: 'she will live; don't worry
yourself: you had better take a little rest yourself; it is about
two o'clock. ' 'But will you send to wake me if anything hap-
pens? ' 'Yes, yes. ' - The old lady went away, and the girls too
went to their own room; they made up a bed for me in the par-
lor. Well, I went to bed- but I could not get to sleep, for a
wonder! for in reality I was very tired. I could not get my
patient out of my head. At last I could not put up with it
any longer: I got up suddenly; I think to myself, I will go and
see how the patient is getting on. ' Her bedroom was next to
the parlor. Well, I got up, and gently opened the door; how my
heart beat! I looked in: the servant was asleep, her mouth wide
open, and even snoring, the wretch! but the patient lay with her
face towards me, and her arms flung wide apart, poor girl! I
went up to her, when suddenly she opened her eyes and stared
at me: 'Who is it? who is it? ' I was in confusion. 'Don't be
alarmed, madam,' I say: 'I am the doctor; I have come to see
how you feel. '-'You the doctor? ' 'Yes, the doctor; your mother
sent for me from the town: we have bled you, madam; now
pray go to sleep, and in a day or two, please God, we will set
you on your feet again. ' 'Ah, yes, yes, doctor, don't let me die—
please, please. '-'Why do you talk like that? God bless you! '
She is in a fever again, I think to myself; I felt her pulse: yes,
she was feverish. She looked at me, and then took me by the
hand: 'I will tell you why I don't want to die; I will tell you.
Now we
are alone; and only, please don't you - not to any
one. Listen. ' I bent down; she moved her lips quite to my
ear; she touched my cheek with her hair-I confess my head
went round-and began to whisper. I could make out nothing
-
―
## p. 15085 (#673) ##########################################
IVAN TURGENEFF
15085
of it. Ah, she was delirious! She whispered and whispered, but
so quickly, and as if it were not in Russian; at last she finished,
and shivering dropped her head on the pillow, and threatened me.
with her finger: 'Remember, doctor, to no one. ' I calmed her
somehow, gave her something to drink, waked the servant, and
went away. "
At this point the doctor again took snuff with exasperated
energy, and for a moment seemed stupefied by its effects.
"However," he continued, "the next day, contrary to my ex-
pectations, the patient was no better. I thought and thought, and
suddenly decided to remain there, even though my other patients
were expecting me. And you know one can't afford to disregard
that: one's practice suffers if one does. But in the first place, the
patient was really in danger; and secondly, to tell the truth, I
felt strongly drawn to her. Besides, I liked the whole family.
Though they were really badly off, they were singularly—I may
say cultivated people. Their father had been a learned man,
an author: he died of course in poverty, but he had managed
before he died to give his children an excellent education; he
left a lot of books too. Either because I looked after the invalid
very carefully, or for some other reason anyway, I can venture
to say all the household loved me as if I were one of the family.
"Meantime the roads were in a worse state than ever: all
communications, so to say, were cut off completely; even medi-
cine could with difficulty be got from the town. The sick girl
was not getting better. Day after day, and day after day-
but here" (The doctor made a brief pause. ) "I declare I
don't know how to tell you. " (He again took snuff, coughed, and
swallowed a little tea. ) "I will tell you without beating about
the bush. My patient - how should I say? Well, she had fallen
in love with me- or no, it was not that she was in love-how-
ever - really, how should one say? " (The doctor looked down
and grew red. ) "No," he went on quickly: "in love, indeed!
A man should not overestimate himself. She was an educated
girl, clever and well-read; and I had even forgotten my Latin,
one may say, completely. As to appearance" (the doctor looked.
himself over with a smile), "I am nothing to boast of there
either. But God Almighty did not make me a fool: I don't take
black for white; I know a thing or two; I could see very clearly,
for instance, that Alexandra Andreëvna (that was her name) did.
not feel love for me, but had a friendly—so to say-inclination —
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## p. 15086 (#674) ##########################################
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IVAN TURGENEFF
a respect or something for me. Though she herself perhaps
mistook this sentiment, anyway this was her attitude: you may
form your own judgment of it. But," added the doctor, who
had brought out all these disconnected sentences without taking
breath, and with obvious embarrassment, "I seem to be wander-
ing rather you won't understand anything like this. There,
with your leave, I will relate it all in order. "
He drank off a glass of tea, and began in a calmer voice.
"Well, then. My patient kept getting worse and worse. You
are not a doctor, my good sir: you cannot understand what passes
in a poor fellow's heart, especially at first, when he begins to
suspect that the disease is getting the upper hand of him. What
becomes of his belief in himself? You suddenly grow so timid:
it's indescribable. You fancy then that you have forgotten every-
thing you knew, and that the patient has no faith in you, and
that other people begin to notice how distracted you are, and
tell you the symptoms with reluctance; that they are looking at
you suspiciously, whispering. Ah! it's horrid! There must be a
remedy, you think, for this disease, if one could find it. Isn't
this it? You try-
no, that's not it! You don't allow the medi-
cine the necessary time to do good. You clutch at one thing,
then at another. Sometimes you take up a book of medical pre-
scriptions-here it is, you think! Sometimes, by Jove, you pick
one out by chance, thinking to leave it to fate. But meantime
a fellow-creature's dying, and another doctor would have saved
him. 'We must have a consultation,' you say: 'I will not take
the responsibility on myself. ' And what a fool you look at such
times! Well, in time you learn to bear it: it's nothing to you.
A man has died - but it's not your fault: you treated him by
the rules.
-
"But what's still more torture to you is to see blind faith
in you, and to feel yourself that you are not able to be of use.
Well, it was just this blind faith that the whole of Alexandra
Andreëvna's family had in me; they had forgotten to think that
their daughter, was in danger. I, too, on my side assure them
that it's nothing; but meantime my heart sinks into my boots.
To add to our troubles, the roads were in such a state that the
coachman was gone for whole days together to get medicine.
And I never left the patient's room; I could not tear myself
away: I tell her amusing stories, you know, and play cards with
her. I watch by her side at night. The old mother thanks me
## p. 15087 (#675) ##########################################
IVAN TURGENEFF
15087
with tears in her eyes: but I think to myself, 'I don't deserve
your gratitude. ' I frankly confess to you- there is no object in
concealing it now-I was in love with my patient. And Alex-
andra Andreëvna had grown fond of me; sometimes she would
not let any one be in her room but me. She began to talk to
me, to ask me questions: where I had studied, how I lived, who
are my people, whom I go to see. I feel that she ought not
to talk; but forbid her to forbid her resolutely, you know-
I could not. Sometimes I held my head in my hands, and asked
myself, 'What are you doing, villain? ' And she would take
my hand and hold it, give me a long, long look, and turn away,
sigh, and say, 'How good you are! ' Her hands were so fever-
ish, her eyes so large and languid. 'Yes,' she says, 'you are a
good, kind man; you are not like our neighbors. No, you are
not like that. Why did I not know you till now! ' 'Alexandra
Andreëvna, calm yourself,' I say. 'I feel-believe me, I don't
know how I have gained-but there, calm yourself. All will be
right; you will be well again. '
"And meanwhile I must tell you," continued the doctor,
bending forward and raising his eyebrows, "that they associated
very little with the neighbors, because the smaller people were
not on their level, and pride hindered them from being friendly
with the rich. I tell you, they were an exceptionally cultivated
family; so you know it was gratifying for me. She would only
take her medicine from my hands; she would lift herself up,
poor' girl, with my aid, take it, and gaze at me. My heart felt
as if it were bursting. And meanwhile she was growing worse
and worse, worse and worse, all the time: she will die, I think
to myself; she must die. Believe me,
I would sooner have
gone to the grave myself: and here were her mother and sis-
ters watching me, looking into my eyes; and their faith in me
was wearing away. 'Well, how is she? '-'Oh, all right, all
right! ' All right, indeed! My mind was failing me.
"Well, I was sitting one night alone again by my patient.
The maid was sitting there too, and snoring away in full swing:
I can't find fault with the poor girl, though,- she was worn out
too. Alexandra Andreëvna had felt very unwell all the evening;
she was very feverish. Until midnight she kept tossing about: at
last she seemed to fall asleep; at least she lay still without stir-
ring. The lamp was burning in the corner before the holy
image. I sat there, you know, with my head bent; I even dozed
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## p. 15088 (#676) ##########################################
15088
IVAN TURGENEFF
a little. Suddenly it seemed as though some one touched me
in the side; I turned round. Good God! Alexandra Andreëvna
was gazing with intent eyes at me, her lips parted, her cheeks
seemed burning. -'What is it? ''Doctor, shall I die? '- 'Mer-
ciful Heavens! ''No, doctor, no: please don't tell me I shall
live- don't say so. If you knew-listen! for God's sake don't
conceal my real position,' and her breath came so fast. 'If I
can know for certain that I must die, then I will tell you all-
all! '-'Alexandra Andreëvna, I beg! '-'Listen: I have not been
asleep at all. I have been looking at you a long while. For
God's sake! I believe in you; you are a good man, an honest
man; I entreat you by all that is sacred in the world-tell me
the truth! If you knew how important it is for me. Doctor,
for God's sake tell me. Am I in danger? '-'What can I tell
you, Alexandra Andreëvna, pray? '-'For God's sake, I beseech
you!
'-'I can't disguise from you,' I say, 'Alexandra Andreëvna,
you are certainly in danger; but God is merciful. '-'I shall die,
I shall die. ' And it seemed as though she were pleased, her
face grew so bright; I was alarmed. -'Don't be afraid, don't
be afraid! I am not frightened of death at all. ' She suddenly
sat up and leaned on her elbow. 'Now, yes, now I can tell
you that I thank you with my whole heart-that you are kind
and good-that I love you! ' I stare at her like one possessed;
it was terrible for me, you know. -'Do you hear, I love you! '.
'Alexandra Andreëvna, how have I deserved-' 'No, no, you
don't you don't understand me. ' And suddenly she stretched
out her arms, and taking my head in her hands, she kissed it.
"Believe me, I almost screamed aloud. I threw myself on my
knees, and buried my head in the pillow. She did not speak;
her fingers trembled in my hair; I listen; she is weeping. I
began to soothe her, to assure her; -I really don't know what
I did say to her. You will wake up the girl,' I say to her:
'Alexandra Andreëvna, I thank you- Believe me
Calm your-
self. ' 'Enough, enough! ' she persisted: 'never mind all of them;
let them awake, then; let them come in-it does not matter: I
am dying, you see. And what do you fear? why are you afraid ?
Lift up your head. - Or perhaps you don't love me; perhaps I
am wrong. In that case, forgive me. '-'Alexandra Andreëvna,
what are you saying! I love you, Alexandra Andreëvna. ' She
looked straight into my eyes, and opened her arms wide. Then
take me in your arms. ' I tell you frankly, I don't know how it
―――
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IVAN TURGENEFF
15089
was I did not go mad that night. I feel that my patient is kill-
ing herself; I see that she is not fully herself; I understand, too,
that if she did not consider herself on the point of death she
would never have thought of me: and indeed, say what you will,
it's hard to die at twenty without having known love; this was
what was torturing her; this was why, in despair, she caught at
me- do you understand now? But she held me in her arms,
and would not let me go. 'Have pity on me, Alexandra An-
dreëvna, and have pity on yourself,' I say. 'Why,' she says,
'what is there to think of? You know I must die. ' This she
repeated incessantly. If I knew that I should return to life,
and be a proper young lady again, I should be ashamed-of
course, ashamed; but why now? '-'But who has said you will
die ? ' 'Oh, no, leave off! you will not deceive me; you don't
know how to lie-look at your face. '-'You shall live, Alex-
andra Andreëvna: I will cure you; we will ask your mother's
blessing we will be united-we will be happy. '-'No, no, I
have your word,-I must die: you have promised me
have told me. '
you
-
"It was cruel for me- - cruel for many reasons. And see what
trifling things can do sometimes; it seems nothing at all, but it's
painful. It occurred to her to ask me what is my name; not
my surname, but my first name. I must needs be so unlucky as
to be called Trifon. Yes indeed-Trifon Ivan'itch. Every one
in the house called me doctor. However, there's no help for it.
I say, 'Trifon, madam. ' She frowned, shook her head, and mut-
tered something in French—ah, something unpleasant, of course!
And then she laughed-disagreeably too. Well, I spent the
Before morning I went
When I went again into
whole night with her in this way.
away, feeling as though I were mad.
her room it was daytime, after morning tea. Good God! I could
scarcely recognize her; people are laid in their grave looking
better than that. I swear to you, on my honor, I don't under-
stand-I absolutely don't understand—now, how I lived through
that experience. Three days and nights my patient still lingered
on. And what nights! What things she said to me! And on
the last night—only imagine to yourself— I was sitting near her,
and kept praying to God for one thing only: 'Take her,' I said,
'quickly, and me with her. '
"Suddenly the old mother comes unexpectedly into the room.
I had already the evening before told her- the mother-there
XXV-944
## p. 15090 (#678) ##########################################
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IVAN TURGENEFF
was little hope, and it would be well to send for a priest.
When the sick girl saw her mother she said: 'It's very well you
have come: look at us, we love one another; we have given each
other our word. ' 'What does she say, doctor? what does she
say? ' I turned livid. 'She is wandering,' I say: 'the fever. '
But she-Hush, hush; you told me something quite different
just now, and have taken my ring. Why do you pretend? My
mother is good-she will forgive - she will understand — and
I am dying. I have no need to tell lies; give me your hand. '
I jumped up and ran out of the room. The lady, of course,
guessed how it was.
"I will not, however, weary you any longer; and to me too,
of course, it's painful to recall all this. My patient passed away
the next day. God rest her soul! " the doctor added, speaking
quickly and with a sigh. "Before her death she asked her family.
to go out and leave me alone with her. "
(( ་
you-
Forgive me,' she said: 'I am perhaps to blame towards
My illness But believe me, I have loved no one more
than you: do not forget me- keep my ring. '»
The doctor turned away; I took his hand.
"Ah! " he said, "let us talk of something else; - or would
you care to play preference for a small stake? It is not for peo-
ple like me to give way to exalted emotions. There's only one
thing for me to think of: how to keep the children from crying
and the wife from scolding. Since then, you know, I have had
time to enter into lawful wedlock, as they say. -Oh! I took
a merchant's daughter-seven thousand for her dowry. Her
name's Akulina: it goes well with Trifon. She is an ill-tempered
woman, I must tell you, but luckily she's asleep all day. Well,
shall it be preference? "
We sat down to preference for halfpenny points. Trifon
Ivan'itch won two roubles and a half from me, and went home
late, well pleased with his success.
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