What's the Matter with you, that you an't
chearful?
Erasmus
It is good Wine that pleases four
Senses. Why_ Bacchus _is the Poets God; why he is painted
a Boy. Mutton very wholsome. That a Man does not live by
Bread and Wine only. Sleep makes some Persons fat.
Venison is dear. Concerning Deers, Hares, and Geese: They
of old defended the Capitol at_ Rome. _Of Cocks, Capons
and Fishes. Here is discoursed of by the by, Fasting. Of
the Choice of Meats. Some Persons Superstition in that
Matter. The Cruelty of those Persons that require these
Things of those Persons they are hurtful to; when the
eating of Fish is neither necessary, nor commanded by
Christ. The eating of Fish is condemned by Physicians.
The chief Luxury of old Time consisted in Fishes. We
should always live a sober Life. What Number of Guests
there should be at an Entertainment. The Bill of Fare of
the second Course. The Magnificence of the_ French. _The
ancient Law of Feasts. Either drink, or begone. A
Variation of Phrases. Thanksgiving after Meat. _
AUSTIN, CHRISTIAN, _a_ BOY.
_Au. _ O, my _Christian_, God bless you.
_Ch. _ It is very well that you are come. I am glad you're come. I
congratulate myself that you are come. I believe it has not struck five
yet.
_Boy. _ Yes, it is a good While past five. It is not far from six. It is
almost six. You'll hear it strike six presently.
_Au. _ It is no great Matter whether I come before five or after five, as
long as I am not come after Supper; for that is a miserable Thing, to
come after a Feast is over. What's all this great Preparation for? What
means all this Provision? What, do you think I'm a Wolf? Do you take me
for a Wolf? Do you think I'm a Vulture?
_Ch. _ Not a Vulture, nor yet do I think you a Grashopper, to live upon
Dew. Here is nothing of Extravagancy, I always lov'd Neatness, and abhor
Slovenliness. I am for being neither luxurious nor niggardly. We had
better leave than lack. If I dress'd but one Dish of Peas, and the Soot
should chance to fall in the Pot and spoil it, what should we have to
eat then? Nor does every Body love one Thing; therefore I love a
moderate Variety.
_Au. _ An't you afraid of the sumptuary Laws?
_Ch. _ Nay, I most commonly offend on the contrary Side. There is no need
of the _Fannian_ Law at our House. The Slenderness of my Income teaches
me Frugality sufficiently.
_Au. _ This is contrary to our Agreement. You promised me quite
otherwise.
_Ch. _ Well, Mr. Fool, you don't stand to your Agreement. For it was
agreed upon that you should bring nothing but merry Tales. But let us
have done with these Matters, and wash, and sit down to Supper. Soho,
Boy, bring a little Water and a Bason; hang a Towel over your Shoulder,
pour out some Water. What do you loiter for? Wash, _Austin_.
_Au. _ Do you wash first.
_Ch. _ Pray excuse me. I had rather eat my Supper with unwashen Hands
this twelve Months.
_Au. _ O ridiculous! 'Tis not he that is the most honourable, but he
that is the dirtiest that should wash first; then do you wash as the
dirtiest.
_Ch. _ You are too complaisant. You are more complaisant than enough;
than is fitting. But to what Purpose is all this Ceremony? Let us leave
these trifling Ceremonies to Women, they are quite kick'd out of the
Court already, although they came from thence at first. Wash three or
four at a Time. Don't let us spend the Time in these Delays. I won't
place any Body, let every one take what Place he likes best. He that
loves to sit by the Fire, will sit best here. He that can't bear the
Light let him take this Corner. He that loves to look about him, let him
sit here. Come, here has been Delays enough. Sit down. I am at Home,
I'll take my Supper standing, or walking about, which I like best. Why
don't you sit down, Supper will be spoiled.
_Au. _ Now let us enjoy ourselves, and eat heartily. Now let us be
_Epicures_. We have nothing to do with Superciliousness. Farewell Care,
let all Ill-will and Detraction be banished. Let us be merry, pleasant,
and facetious.
_Ch. Austin_, pray who are those _Stoics_ and _Epicures_?
_Au. _ The _Stoics_ are a certain melancholy, rigid, parcimonious Sect of
Philosophers, who make the _Summum bonum_ of Mankind, to consist in a
certain, I can't tell what, _honestum_. The _Epicures_ are the Reverse
of these, and they make the Felicity of a Man to consist in Pleasure.
_Ch. _ Pray what Sect are you of, a _Stoic_ or an _Epicure_?
_Au. _ I recommend _Zeno_'s Rules; but I follow _Epicurus_'s Practice.
_Ch. Austin_, what you speak in Jest, a great many do in Earnest, and
are only Philosophers by their Cloaks and Beards.
_Au. _ Nay, indeed they out-live the _Asots_ in Luxury.
_Ch. Dromo_, come hither. Do your Office, say Grace.
_Boy. _ "May he that feeds all Things by his Bounty, command his Blessing
upon what is or shall be set upon this Table. Amen. "
_Ch. _ Set the Victuals on the Table. Why do we delay to eat up this
Capon? Why are we afraid to carve this Cock?
_Au. _ I'll be _Hercules_, and slay this Beast. Which had you rather
have, a Wing or a Leg?
_Ch. _ Which you will, I don't matter which.
_Au. _ In this Sort of Fowls the Wing is look'd upon the best; in other
Fowls the Leg is commonly esteemed the greater dainty Bit.
_Ch. _ I put you to a great Deal of Trouble. You take a great Deal of
Trouble upon you, upon my Account. You help every Body else, and eat
nothing yourself. I'll help you to this Wing; but upon this Condition,
that you shall give me Half of it back.
_Au. _ Say you so, that is serving yourself and not me; keep it for
yourself. I am not so bashful as to want any Body to help me.
_Ch. _ You do very well.
_Au. _ Do you carve for a Wolf? Have you invited a Vulture?
_Ch. _ You fast. You don't eat.
_Au. _ I eat more than any Body.
_Ch. _ Nay, rather, you lye more than any Body. Pray be as free as if you
were at your own House.
_Au. _ I take myself to be there. I do so. I am resolv'd so to do. I
design to do so.
_Ch. _ How does this Wine please you? Does this Wine please your Palate?
_Au. _ Indeed it pleases me very well. Indeed it pleases mightily. It
pleases me well enough. It pleases me very well.
_Ch. _ Which had you rather have, Red or White?
_It is no Matter what Colour it is. _
_Au. _ Indeed I like both alike. It is no Matter what Colour 'tis, so the
Taste be pleasing. I don't much mind how the Wine pleases the Eye, so it
do but please the Palate. I an't much mov'd at the Sight of it, if the
Taste be but grateful. It is no great Matter what Colour it is of, or
what Colour it has, if it does but taste well. I don't desire to please
my Eyes if I can but please my Taste. If it do but please the Palate, I
don't regard the Colour, if it be well relish'd.
_Ch. _ I believe so: But there are some Persons that are mighty deeply
read in Table Philosophy, who deny that the Wine can be good, unless it
pleases four Senses: The Eye, with its Colour; the Nose, with its Smell;
the Palate, with its Taste; the Ears, by its Fame and Name.
_Au. _ O ridiculous! What signifies Fame to Drink?
_Ch. _ As much as many that have a good Palate mightily approve of
_Lovain_ Wine, when they believe it to be _Bern_ Wine.
_Au. _ It may be, they had spoiled their Palate by much Drinking.
_Ch. _ No, before they had drank one Drop. But I have a Mind to hear your
Opinion, who are a Man of great Skill in these Matters.
_Au. _ Our Countrymen prefer White before Red, because the Red is a
little more upon the Acid, and the White a smaller Wine; but that is the
milder, and in my Opinion the more wholsome.
_Ch. _ We have a pale red Wine, and a yellow Wine, and a purple Colour
Wine. This is new Wine, this Year's Wine. This is two Years old, if any
Body is for an old Wine. We have some four Years old, but it is grown
flat and dead with Age. The Strength is gone with Age.
_Au. _ Why, you're as rich as _Lucullus_.
_Ch. _ Soho, Boy, where are you a loitering? You give us no Attendance;
don't you see we have no Wine here? What if a Fire should happen now?
How should we put it out? Give every one a full Glass. _Austin_, What's
the matter that you are not merry? What makes you sit so Melancholy?
What's the Matter with you, that you an't chearful? You are either
troubled at something, or you're making Verses. You play the
_Crysippus_ now, you want a _Melissa_ to feed you.
_Au. _ What Story is this you are telling me of?
_Ch. Crysippus_ is reported to have been so intent upon his logical
Subtilties, that he would have been starved at Table, unless his Maid
_Melissa_ had put the Meat into his Mouth.
_Au. _ He did not deserve to have his Life sav'd; but if Silence is an
Offence to you, and you love a noisy Feast, you have gotten that will
make one.
_Ch. _ I remember I have. That's very well minded: We must drink more
freely, we ought to drink more largely, more Wine and less Water.
_You have hit on the Matter. _
_Au. _ You have hit the Nail on the Head. You are in the Right. You have
hit the Mark. For,
_Foecundi calices quem non fecere disertum? _
_Ch. _ That is very learnedly spoken, _Austin_, and so indeed is all that
comes from you; but since we are fallen into a Discourse concerning
Wine, since we have happen'd to make mention of Wine, I have a mind to
ask you, for what Reason the Ancients, who will have _Bacchus_ the
Inventor of Wine, call him the God of the Poets? What has that drunken
God to do with Poets, who are the Votaries of the Virgin Muses?
_Au. _ By _Bacchus_, this is a Question fit to be put over a Bottle. But
I see very well, what your Question drives at.
_Ch. _ What, prithee?
_Au. _ You very cunningly put a Question about Wine, by a _French_ Trick,
which I believe you learn'd at _Paris_, that you may save your Wine by
that Means. Ah, go your Way, I see you're a Sophister; you have made a
good Proficiency in that School.
_Ch. _ Well, I take all your Jokes; I'll return the like to you, when
Opportunity shall offer. But to the Matter in Hand.
_Au. _ I'll go on, but I'll drink first, for it is absurd to dispute
about a tippling Question with a dry Throat. Here's to you _Christian_.
Half this Cup to you.
_Ch. _ I thank you kindly. God bless it to you, much good may it do you.
_Au. _ Now I'm ready, at your Service. I'll do it as well as I can after
my Manner. That they have given a Boy's Face to _Bacchus_, has this
Mystery in it; that Wine being drank, takes away Cares and Vexations
from our Minds, and adds a Sort of a Chearfulness to them. And for this
Reason, it adds a Sort of Youthfulness even to old Men, in that it makes
them more chearful, and of a better Complexion. The same thing _Horace_
in many Places, and particularly testifies in these Verses:
_Ad mare cum veni, generosum et lene requiro,
Quod curas abigat, quod cum spe divite manet.
In venas, animumque meum, quod verba ministret.
Quod me Lucanoe juvenem commendet amicæ. _
For that they have assign'd the Poets to this Deity, I believe by it
they design'd to intimate this, that Wine both stirs up Wit and
administers Eloquence; which two Things are very fit for Poets. Whence
it comes to pass, that your Water Drinkers make poor Verses. For
_Bacchus_ is of a fiery Constitution naturally, but he is made more
temperate, being united with the Nymphs. Have you been answer'd to your
Satisfaction?
_Ch. _ I never heard any Thing more to the Purpose from a Poet. You
deserve to drink out of a Cup set with Jewels. Boy, take away this Dish,
and set on another.
_Au. _ You have got a very clownish Boy.
_Ch. _ He is the unluckiest Knave in the World.
_Au. _ Why don't you teach him better Manners?
_Ch. _ He is too old to learn. It is a hard matter to mend the Manners of
an old Sinner. An old Dog won't be easily brought to wear the Collar.
He's well enough for me. Like Master like Man.
* * * * *
_If I knew what you lik'd, I would help you. _
_Au. _ I would cut you a Slice, if I knew what would please you. I would
help you, if I knew your Palate. I would help you, if I knew what you
lik'd best. If I knew the Disposition of your Palate, I would be your
Carver. Indeed my Palate is like my Judgment.
_Ch. _ You have a very nice Palate. No Body has a nicer Palate than you
have. I don't think you come behind him of whose exquisite Skill the
Satyrist says,
_Ostrea callebat primo deprendere morsu,
Et semel aspecti dicebat littus echini. _
_Au. _ And you, my _Christian_, that I may return the Compliment, seem to
have been Scholar to _Epicurus_, or brought up in the _Catian_ School.
For what's more delicate or nice than your Palate?
_Ch. _ If I understood Oratory so well as I do Cookery, I'd challenge
_Cicero_ himself.
_Au. _ Indeed if I must be without one, I had rather want Oratory than
Cookery.
_Ch. _ I am entirely of your Mind, you judge gravely, wisely, and truly.
For what is the Prattle of Orators good for, but to tickle idle Ears
with a vain Pleasure? But Cookery feeds and repairs the Palate, the
Belly, and the whole Man, let him be as big as he will. _Cicero_ says,
_Concedat laurea lingæ_; but both of them must give place to Cookery. I
never very well liked those _Stoicks_, who referring all things to their
(I can't tell what) _honestum_, thought we ought to have no regard to
our Persons and our Palates. _Aristippus_ was wiser than _Diogenes_
beyond Expression in my Opinion.
_Au. _ I despise the _Stoicks_ with all their Fasts. But I praise and
approve _Epicurus_ more than that _Cynic Diogenes_, who lived upon raw
Herbs and Water; and therefore I don't wonder that _Alexander_, that
fortunate King, had rather be _Alexander_ than _Diogenes_.
_Ch. _ Nor indeed would I myself, who am but an ordinary Man, change my
Philosophy for _Diogenes_'s; and I believe your _Catius_ would refuse
to do it too. The Philosophers of our Time are wiser, who are content to
dispute like _Stoicks_, but in living out-do even _Epicurus_ himself.
And yet for all that, I look upon Philosophy to be one of the most
excellent Things in Nature, if used moderately. I don't approve of
philosophising too much, for it is a very jejune, barren, and melancholy
Thing. When I fall into any Calamity or Sickness, then I betake myself
to Philosophy, as to a Physician; but when I am well again, I bid it
farewell.
_Au. _ I like your Method. You do philosophize very well. Your humble
Servant, Mr. Philosopher; not of the _Stoick_ School, but the Kitchen.
_Ch. _ What is the Matter with you, _Erasmus_, that you are so
melancholy? What makes you look so frowningly? What makes you so silent?
Are you angry with me because I have entertained you with such a slender
Supper?
_Er. _ Nay, I am angry with you that you have put your self to so much
Charge upon my Account. _Austin_ laid a strict Charge upon you that you
would provide nothing extraordinary upon his Account. I believe you have
a Mind we should never come to see you again; for they give such a
Supper as this that intended to make but one. What sort of Guests did
you expect? You seem to have provided not for Friends, but for Princes.
Do you think we are Gluttons? This is not to entertain one with a
Supper, but victualling one for three Days together.
_Ch. _ You will be ill-humour'd. Dispute about that Matter to-Morrow;
pray be good humour'd to-Day. We'll talk about the Charge to-Morrow; I
have no Mind to hear any Thing but what is merry at this time.
_Au. Christian_, whether had you rather have, Beef or Mutton?
_Ch. _ I like Beef best, but I think Mutton is the most wholsome. It is
the Disposition of Mankind to be most desirous of those Things that are
the most hurtful.
_Au. _ The _French_ are wonderful Admirers of Pork.
_Ch. _ The _French_ love that most that costs least.
_Au. _ I am a Jew in this one Thing, there is nothing I hate so much as
Swine's Flesh.
_Ch. _ Nor without Reason, for what is more unwholsome? In this I am not
of the _French_ Man's but of the _Jew's_ Mind.
_Er. _ But I love both Mutton and Pork, but for a different Reason; for I
eat freely of Mutton, because I love it; but Hogs Flesh I don't touch,
by Reason of Love, that I may not give Offence.
_Ch. _ You are a clever Man, _Erasmus_, and a very merry one too. Indeed
I am apt to admire from whence it comes to pass that there is such a
great Diversity in Mens Palates, for if I may make use of this Verse of
_Horace_,
Tres mihi convivæ propè dissentire videntur,
Poscentes vario multùm diversa palato.
_Er. _ Although as the Comedian says, _So many Men, so many Minds_, and
every Man has his own Way; yet no Body can make me believe, there is
more Variety in Mens Dispositions, than there is in their Palates: So
that you can scarce find two that love the same Things. I have seen a
great many, that can't bear so much as the Smell of Butter and Cheese:
Some loath Flesh; one will not eat roast Meat, and another won't eat
boil'd. There are many that prefer Water before Wine. And more than
this, which you'll hardly believe; I have seen a Man who would neither
eat Bread, nor drink Wine.
_Ch. _ What did that poor Man live on?
_Er. _ There was nothing else but what he could eat; Meat, Fish, Herbs
and Fruit.
_Ch. _ Would you have me believe you?
_Er. _ Yes, if you will.
_Ch. _ I will believe you; but upon this Condition, that you shall
believe me when I tell a Lye.
_Er. _ Well, I will do it, so that you lye modestly.
_Ch. _ As if any Thing could be more impudent than your Lye.
_Er. _ What would your Confidence say, if I should shew you the Man?
_Ch. _ He must needs be a starveling Fellow, a meer Shadow.
_Er. _ You'd say he was a Champion.
_Ch. _ Nay, rather a _Polyphemus_.
_Er. _ I wonder this should seem so strange to you, when there are a
great many that eat dry'd Fish instead of Bread: And some that the Roots
of Herbs serve for the same Use that Bread does us.
_Ch. _ I believe you; lye on.
_Er. _ I remember, I saw a Man when I was in _Italy_, that grew fat with
Sleep, without the Assistance either of Meat or Drink.
_Ch. _ Fie for Shame; I can't forbear making Use of that Expression of
the Satyrist,
Tunc immensa cavi spirant mendacia folles.
Thou poeticisest. You play the Part of a Poet. I am loath to give you
the Lye.
_Er. _ I am the greatest Lyar in the World, if _Pliny_, an Author of
undoubted Credit, has not written, that a Bear in fourteen Days Time
will grow wonderfully fat with nothing but Sleep: And that he will sleep
so sound, that you can scarce wake him, by wounding him: Nay, to make
you admire the more, I will add what _Theophrastus_ writes, that during
that Time, if the Flesh of the Bear be boil'd, and kept some Time, it
will come to Life again.
_Ch. _ I am afraid that _Parmeno_ in _Terence_ will hardly be able to
comprehend these Things. I believe it readily. I would help you to some
Venison, if I were well enough accomplished.
_Er. _ Where have you any Hunting now? How came you by Venison?
_Ch. _ _Midas_, the most generous spirited Man living, and a very good
Friend of mine, sent it me for a Present; but so, that I oftentimes buy
it for less.
_Er. _ How so?
_Ch. _ Because I am obliged to give more to his Servants, than I could
buy it for in the Market.
_Er. _ Who obliges you to that?
_Ch. _ The most violent Tyrant in the World.
_Er. _ Who is he?
Senses. Why_ Bacchus _is the Poets God; why he is painted
a Boy. Mutton very wholsome. That a Man does not live by
Bread and Wine only. Sleep makes some Persons fat.
Venison is dear. Concerning Deers, Hares, and Geese: They
of old defended the Capitol at_ Rome. _Of Cocks, Capons
and Fishes. Here is discoursed of by the by, Fasting. Of
the Choice of Meats. Some Persons Superstition in that
Matter. The Cruelty of those Persons that require these
Things of those Persons they are hurtful to; when the
eating of Fish is neither necessary, nor commanded by
Christ. The eating of Fish is condemned by Physicians.
The chief Luxury of old Time consisted in Fishes. We
should always live a sober Life. What Number of Guests
there should be at an Entertainment. The Bill of Fare of
the second Course. The Magnificence of the_ French. _The
ancient Law of Feasts. Either drink, or begone. A
Variation of Phrases. Thanksgiving after Meat. _
AUSTIN, CHRISTIAN, _a_ BOY.
_Au. _ O, my _Christian_, God bless you.
_Ch. _ It is very well that you are come. I am glad you're come. I
congratulate myself that you are come. I believe it has not struck five
yet.
_Boy. _ Yes, it is a good While past five. It is not far from six. It is
almost six. You'll hear it strike six presently.
_Au. _ It is no great Matter whether I come before five or after five, as
long as I am not come after Supper; for that is a miserable Thing, to
come after a Feast is over. What's all this great Preparation for? What
means all this Provision? What, do you think I'm a Wolf? Do you take me
for a Wolf? Do you think I'm a Vulture?
_Ch. _ Not a Vulture, nor yet do I think you a Grashopper, to live upon
Dew. Here is nothing of Extravagancy, I always lov'd Neatness, and abhor
Slovenliness. I am for being neither luxurious nor niggardly. We had
better leave than lack. If I dress'd but one Dish of Peas, and the Soot
should chance to fall in the Pot and spoil it, what should we have to
eat then? Nor does every Body love one Thing; therefore I love a
moderate Variety.
_Au. _ An't you afraid of the sumptuary Laws?
_Ch. _ Nay, I most commonly offend on the contrary Side. There is no need
of the _Fannian_ Law at our House. The Slenderness of my Income teaches
me Frugality sufficiently.
_Au. _ This is contrary to our Agreement. You promised me quite
otherwise.
_Ch. _ Well, Mr. Fool, you don't stand to your Agreement. For it was
agreed upon that you should bring nothing but merry Tales. But let us
have done with these Matters, and wash, and sit down to Supper. Soho,
Boy, bring a little Water and a Bason; hang a Towel over your Shoulder,
pour out some Water. What do you loiter for? Wash, _Austin_.
_Au. _ Do you wash first.
_Ch. _ Pray excuse me. I had rather eat my Supper with unwashen Hands
this twelve Months.
_Au. _ O ridiculous! 'Tis not he that is the most honourable, but he
that is the dirtiest that should wash first; then do you wash as the
dirtiest.
_Ch. _ You are too complaisant. You are more complaisant than enough;
than is fitting. But to what Purpose is all this Ceremony? Let us leave
these trifling Ceremonies to Women, they are quite kick'd out of the
Court already, although they came from thence at first. Wash three or
four at a Time. Don't let us spend the Time in these Delays. I won't
place any Body, let every one take what Place he likes best. He that
loves to sit by the Fire, will sit best here. He that can't bear the
Light let him take this Corner. He that loves to look about him, let him
sit here. Come, here has been Delays enough. Sit down. I am at Home,
I'll take my Supper standing, or walking about, which I like best. Why
don't you sit down, Supper will be spoiled.
_Au. _ Now let us enjoy ourselves, and eat heartily. Now let us be
_Epicures_. We have nothing to do with Superciliousness. Farewell Care,
let all Ill-will and Detraction be banished. Let us be merry, pleasant,
and facetious.
_Ch. Austin_, pray who are those _Stoics_ and _Epicures_?
_Au. _ The _Stoics_ are a certain melancholy, rigid, parcimonious Sect of
Philosophers, who make the _Summum bonum_ of Mankind, to consist in a
certain, I can't tell what, _honestum_. The _Epicures_ are the Reverse
of these, and they make the Felicity of a Man to consist in Pleasure.
_Ch. _ Pray what Sect are you of, a _Stoic_ or an _Epicure_?
_Au. _ I recommend _Zeno_'s Rules; but I follow _Epicurus_'s Practice.
_Ch. Austin_, what you speak in Jest, a great many do in Earnest, and
are only Philosophers by their Cloaks and Beards.
_Au. _ Nay, indeed they out-live the _Asots_ in Luxury.
_Ch. Dromo_, come hither. Do your Office, say Grace.
_Boy. _ "May he that feeds all Things by his Bounty, command his Blessing
upon what is or shall be set upon this Table. Amen. "
_Ch. _ Set the Victuals on the Table. Why do we delay to eat up this
Capon? Why are we afraid to carve this Cock?
_Au. _ I'll be _Hercules_, and slay this Beast. Which had you rather
have, a Wing or a Leg?
_Ch. _ Which you will, I don't matter which.
_Au. _ In this Sort of Fowls the Wing is look'd upon the best; in other
Fowls the Leg is commonly esteemed the greater dainty Bit.
_Ch. _ I put you to a great Deal of Trouble. You take a great Deal of
Trouble upon you, upon my Account. You help every Body else, and eat
nothing yourself. I'll help you to this Wing; but upon this Condition,
that you shall give me Half of it back.
_Au. _ Say you so, that is serving yourself and not me; keep it for
yourself. I am not so bashful as to want any Body to help me.
_Ch. _ You do very well.
_Au. _ Do you carve for a Wolf? Have you invited a Vulture?
_Ch. _ You fast. You don't eat.
_Au. _ I eat more than any Body.
_Ch. _ Nay, rather, you lye more than any Body. Pray be as free as if you
were at your own House.
_Au. _ I take myself to be there. I do so. I am resolv'd so to do. I
design to do so.
_Ch. _ How does this Wine please you? Does this Wine please your Palate?
_Au. _ Indeed it pleases me very well. Indeed it pleases mightily. It
pleases me well enough. It pleases me very well.
_Ch. _ Which had you rather have, Red or White?
_It is no Matter what Colour it is. _
_Au. _ Indeed I like both alike. It is no Matter what Colour 'tis, so the
Taste be pleasing. I don't much mind how the Wine pleases the Eye, so it
do but please the Palate. I an't much mov'd at the Sight of it, if the
Taste be but grateful. It is no great Matter what Colour it is of, or
what Colour it has, if it does but taste well. I don't desire to please
my Eyes if I can but please my Taste. If it do but please the Palate, I
don't regard the Colour, if it be well relish'd.
_Ch. _ I believe so: But there are some Persons that are mighty deeply
read in Table Philosophy, who deny that the Wine can be good, unless it
pleases four Senses: The Eye, with its Colour; the Nose, with its Smell;
the Palate, with its Taste; the Ears, by its Fame and Name.
_Au. _ O ridiculous! What signifies Fame to Drink?
_Ch. _ As much as many that have a good Palate mightily approve of
_Lovain_ Wine, when they believe it to be _Bern_ Wine.
_Au. _ It may be, they had spoiled their Palate by much Drinking.
_Ch. _ No, before they had drank one Drop. But I have a Mind to hear your
Opinion, who are a Man of great Skill in these Matters.
_Au. _ Our Countrymen prefer White before Red, because the Red is a
little more upon the Acid, and the White a smaller Wine; but that is the
milder, and in my Opinion the more wholsome.
_Ch. _ We have a pale red Wine, and a yellow Wine, and a purple Colour
Wine. This is new Wine, this Year's Wine. This is two Years old, if any
Body is for an old Wine. We have some four Years old, but it is grown
flat and dead with Age. The Strength is gone with Age.
_Au. _ Why, you're as rich as _Lucullus_.
_Ch. _ Soho, Boy, where are you a loitering? You give us no Attendance;
don't you see we have no Wine here? What if a Fire should happen now?
How should we put it out? Give every one a full Glass. _Austin_, What's
the matter that you are not merry? What makes you sit so Melancholy?
What's the Matter with you, that you an't chearful? You are either
troubled at something, or you're making Verses. You play the
_Crysippus_ now, you want a _Melissa_ to feed you.
_Au. _ What Story is this you are telling me of?
_Ch. Crysippus_ is reported to have been so intent upon his logical
Subtilties, that he would have been starved at Table, unless his Maid
_Melissa_ had put the Meat into his Mouth.
_Au. _ He did not deserve to have his Life sav'd; but if Silence is an
Offence to you, and you love a noisy Feast, you have gotten that will
make one.
_Ch. _ I remember I have. That's very well minded: We must drink more
freely, we ought to drink more largely, more Wine and less Water.
_You have hit on the Matter. _
_Au. _ You have hit the Nail on the Head. You are in the Right. You have
hit the Mark. For,
_Foecundi calices quem non fecere disertum? _
_Ch. _ That is very learnedly spoken, _Austin_, and so indeed is all that
comes from you; but since we are fallen into a Discourse concerning
Wine, since we have happen'd to make mention of Wine, I have a mind to
ask you, for what Reason the Ancients, who will have _Bacchus_ the
Inventor of Wine, call him the God of the Poets? What has that drunken
God to do with Poets, who are the Votaries of the Virgin Muses?
_Au. _ By _Bacchus_, this is a Question fit to be put over a Bottle. But
I see very well, what your Question drives at.
_Ch. _ What, prithee?
_Au. _ You very cunningly put a Question about Wine, by a _French_ Trick,
which I believe you learn'd at _Paris_, that you may save your Wine by
that Means. Ah, go your Way, I see you're a Sophister; you have made a
good Proficiency in that School.
_Ch. _ Well, I take all your Jokes; I'll return the like to you, when
Opportunity shall offer. But to the Matter in Hand.
_Au. _ I'll go on, but I'll drink first, for it is absurd to dispute
about a tippling Question with a dry Throat. Here's to you _Christian_.
Half this Cup to you.
_Ch. _ I thank you kindly. God bless it to you, much good may it do you.
_Au. _ Now I'm ready, at your Service. I'll do it as well as I can after
my Manner. That they have given a Boy's Face to _Bacchus_, has this
Mystery in it; that Wine being drank, takes away Cares and Vexations
from our Minds, and adds a Sort of a Chearfulness to them. And for this
Reason, it adds a Sort of Youthfulness even to old Men, in that it makes
them more chearful, and of a better Complexion. The same thing _Horace_
in many Places, and particularly testifies in these Verses:
_Ad mare cum veni, generosum et lene requiro,
Quod curas abigat, quod cum spe divite manet.
In venas, animumque meum, quod verba ministret.
Quod me Lucanoe juvenem commendet amicæ. _
For that they have assign'd the Poets to this Deity, I believe by it
they design'd to intimate this, that Wine both stirs up Wit and
administers Eloquence; which two Things are very fit for Poets. Whence
it comes to pass, that your Water Drinkers make poor Verses. For
_Bacchus_ is of a fiery Constitution naturally, but he is made more
temperate, being united with the Nymphs. Have you been answer'd to your
Satisfaction?
_Ch. _ I never heard any Thing more to the Purpose from a Poet. You
deserve to drink out of a Cup set with Jewels. Boy, take away this Dish,
and set on another.
_Au. _ You have got a very clownish Boy.
_Ch. _ He is the unluckiest Knave in the World.
_Au. _ Why don't you teach him better Manners?
_Ch. _ He is too old to learn. It is a hard matter to mend the Manners of
an old Sinner. An old Dog won't be easily brought to wear the Collar.
He's well enough for me. Like Master like Man.
* * * * *
_If I knew what you lik'd, I would help you. _
_Au. _ I would cut you a Slice, if I knew what would please you. I would
help you, if I knew your Palate. I would help you, if I knew what you
lik'd best. If I knew the Disposition of your Palate, I would be your
Carver. Indeed my Palate is like my Judgment.
_Ch. _ You have a very nice Palate. No Body has a nicer Palate than you
have. I don't think you come behind him of whose exquisite Skill the
Satyrist says,
_Ostrea callebat primo deprendere morsu,
Et semel aspecti dicebat littus echini. _
_Au. _ And you, my _Christian_, that I may return the Compliment, seem to
have been Scholar to _Epicurus_, or brought up in the _Catian_ School.
For what's more delicate or nice than your Palate?
_Ch. _ If I understood Oratory so well as I do Cookery, I'd challenge
_Cicero_ himself.
_Au. _ Indeed if I must be without one, I had rather want Oratory than
Cookery.
_Ch. _ I am entirely of your Mind, you judge gravely, wisely, and truly.
For what is the Prattle of Orators good for, but to tickle idle Ears
with a vain Pleasure? But Cookery feeds and repairs the Palate, the
Belly, and the whole Man, let him be as big as he will. _Cicero_ says,
_Concedat laurea lingæ_; but both of them must give place to Cookery. I
never very well liked those _Stoicks_, who referring all things to their
(I can't tell what) _honestum_, thought we ought to have no regard to
our Persons and our Palates. _Aristippus_ was wiser than _Diogenes_
beyond Expression in my Opinion.
_Au. _ I despise the _Stoicks_ with all their Fasts. But I praise and
approve _Epicurus_ more than that _Cynic Diogenes_, who lived upon raw
Herbs and Water; and therefore I don't wonder that _Alexander_, that
fortunate King, had rather be _Alexander_ than _Diogenes_.
_Ch. _ Nor indeed would I myself, who am but an ordinary Man, change my
Philosophy for _Diogenes_'s; and I believe your _Catius_ would refuse
to do it too. The Philosophers of our Time are wiser, who are content to
dispute like _Stoicks_, but in living out-do even _Epicurus_ himself.
And yet for all that, I look upon Philosophy to be one of the most
excellent Things in Nature, if used moderately. I don't approve of
philosophising too much, for it is a very jejune, barren, and melancholy
Thing. When I fall into any Calamity or Sickness, then I betake myself
to Philosophy, as to a Physician; but when I am well again, I bid it
farewell.
_Au. _ I like your Method. You do philosophize very well. Your humble
Servant, Mr. Philosopher; not of the _Stoick_ School, but the Kitchen.
_Ch. _ What is the Matter with you, _Erasmus_, that you are so
melancholy? What makes you look so frowningly? What makes you so silent?
Are you angry with me because I have entertained you with such a slender
Supper?
_Er. _ Nay, I am angry with you that you have put your self to so much
Charge upon my Account. _Austin_ laid a strict Charge upon you that you
would provide nothing extraordinary upon his Account. I believe you have
a Mind we should never come to see you again; for they give such a
Supper as this that intended to make but one. What sort of Guests did
you expect? You seem to have provided not for Friends, but for Princes.
Do you think we are Gluttons? This is not to entertain one with a
Supper, but victualling one for three Days together.
_Ch. _ You will be ill-humour'd. Dispute about that Matter to-Morrow;
pray be good humour'd to-Day. We'll talk about the Charge to-Morrow; I
have no Mind to hear any Thing but what is merry at this time.
_Au. Christian_, whether had you rather have, Beef or Mutton?
_Ch. _ I like Beef best, but I think Mutton is the most wholsome. It is
the Disposition of Mankind to be most desirous of those Things that are
the most hurtful.
_Au. _ The _French_ are wonderful Admirers of Pork.
_Ch. _ The _French_ love that most that costs least.
_Au. _ I am a Jew in this one Thing, there is nothing I hate so much as
Swine's Flesh.
_Ch. _ Nor without Reason, for what is more unwholsome? In this I am not
of the _French_ Man's but of the _Jew's_ Mind.
_Er. _ But I love both Mutton and Pork, but for a different Reason; for I
eat freely of Mutton, because I love it; but Hogs Flesh I don't touch,
by Reason of Love, that I may not give Offence.
_Ch. _ You are a clever Man, _Erasmus_, and a very merry one too. Indeed
I am apt to admire from whence it comes to pass that there is such a
great Diversity in Mens Palates, for if I may make use of this Verse of
_Horace_,
Tres mihi convivæ propè dissentire videntur,
Poscentes vario multùm diversa palato.
_Er. _ Although as the Comedian says, _So many Men, so many Minds_, and
every Man has his own Way; yet no Body can make me believe, there is
more Variety in Mens Dispositions, than there is in their Palates: So
that you can scarce find two that love the same Things. I have seen a
great many, that can't bear so much as the Smell of Butter and Cheese:
Some loath Flesh; one will not eat roast Meat, and another won't eat
boil'd. There are many that prefer Water before Wine. And more than
this, which you'll hardly believe; I have seen a Man who would neither
eat Bread, nor drink Wine.
_Ch. _ What did that poor Man live on?
_Er. _ There was nothing else but what he could eat; Meat, Fish, Herbs
and Fruit.
_Ch. _ Would you have me believe you?
_Er. _ Yes, if you will.
_Ch. _ I will believe you; but upon this Condition, that you shall
believe me when I tell a Lye.
_Er. _ Well, I will do it, so that you lye modestly.
_Ch. _ As if any Thing could be more impudent than your Lye.
_Er. _ What would your Confidence say, if I should shew you the Man?
_Ch. _ He must needs be a starveling Fellow, a meer Shadow.
_Er. _ You'd say he was a Champion.
_Ch. _ Nay, rather a _Polyphemus_.
_Er. _ I wonder this should seem so strange to you, when there are a
great many that eat dry'd Fish instead of Bread: And some that the Roots
of Herbs serve for the same Use that Bread does us.
_Ch. _ I believe you; lye on.
_Er. _ I remember, I saw a Man when I was in _Italy_, that grew fat with
Sleep, without the Assistance either of Meat or Drink.
_Ch. _ Fie for Shame; I can't forbear making Use of that Expression of
the Satyrist,
Tunc immensa cavi spirant mendacia folles.
Thou poeticisest. You play the Part of a Poet. I am loath to give you
the Lye.
_Er. _ I am the greatest Lyar in the World, if _Pliny_, an Author of
undoubted Credit, has not written, that a Bear in fourteen Days Time
will grow wonderfully fat with nothing but Sleep: And that he will sleep
so sound, that you can scarce wake him, by wounding him: Nay, to make
you admire the more, I will add what _Theophrastus_ writes, that during
that Time, if the Flesh of the Bear be boil'd, and kept some Time, it
will come to Life again.
_Ch. _ I am afraid that _Parmeno_ in _Terence_ will hardly be able to
comprehend these Things. I believe it readily. I would help you to some
Venison, if I were well enough accomplished.
_Er. _ Where have you any Hunting now? How came you by Venison?
_Ch. _ _Midas_, the most generous spirited Man living, and a very good
Friend of mine, sent it me for a Present; but so, that I oftentimes buy
it for less.
_Er. _ How so?
_Ch. _ Because I am obliged to give more to his Servants, than I could
buy it for in the Market.
_Er. _ Who obliges you to that?
_Ch. _ The most violent Tyrant in the World.
_Er. _ Who is he?
