Whatever
am I to do?
Aristophanes
.
.
.
PRAXAGORA. What? by the two goddesses! [661] Wretched woman, where are
your senses?
EIGHTH WOMAN. Eh! what? . . . I have not asked you for a drink!
PRAXAGORA. No, but you want to pass for a man, and you swear by the two
goddesses. Otherwise 'twas very well.
EIGHTH WOMAN. Well then. By Apollo. . . .
PRAXAGORA. Stop! All these details of language must be adjusted; else it
is quite useless to go to the Assembly.
SEVENTH WOMAN. Pass me the chaplet; I wish to speak again, for I think I
have got hold of something good. You women who are listening to me. . . .
PRAXAGORA. Women again; why, wretched creature, 'tis men that you are
addressing.
SEVENTH WOMAN. 'Tis the fault of Epigonus;[662] I caught sight of him
over yonder, and I thought I was speaking to women.
PRAXAGORA. Come, withdraw and remain seated in future. I am going to take
this chaplet myself and speak in your name. May the gods grant success to
my plans!
My country is as dear to me as it is to you, and I groan, I am grieved at
all that is happening in it. Scarcely one in ten of those who rule it is
honest, and all the others are bad. If you appoint fresh chiefs, they
will do still worse. It is hard to correct your peevish humour; you fear
those who love you and throw yourselves at the feet of those who betray
you. There was a time when we had no assemblies, and then we all thought
Agyrrhius a dishonest man;[663] now they are established, he who gets
money thinks everything is as it should be, and he who does not, declares
all who sell their votes to be worthy of death.
FIRST WOMAN. By Aphrodite, that is well spoken.
PRAXAGORA. Why, wretched woman, you have actually called upon Aphrodite.
Oh! what a fine thing 'twould have been had you said that in the
Assembly!
FIRST WOMAN. I should never have done that!
PRAXAGORA. Well, mind you don't fall into the habit. --When we were
discussing the alliance,[664] it seemed as though it were all over with
Athens if it fell through. No sooner was it made than we were vexed and
angry, and the orator who had caused its adoption was compelled to seek
safety in flight. [665] Is there talk of equipping a fleet? The poor man
says, yes, but the rich citizen and the countryman say, no. You were
angered against the Corinthians and they with you; now they are well
disposed towards you, be so towards them. As a rule the Argives are dull,
but the Argive Hieronymus[666] is a distinguished chief. Herein lies a
spark of hope; but Thrasybulus is far from Athens[667] and you do not
recall him.
FIRST WOMAN. Oh! what a brilliant man!
PRAXAGORA. That's better! that's fitting applause. --Citizens, 'tis you
who are the cause of all this trouble. You vote yourselves salaries out
of the public funds and care only for your own personal interests; hence
the State limps along like Aesimus. [668] But if you hearken to me, you
will be saved. I assert that the direction of affairs must be handed over
to the women, for 'tis they who have charge and look after our
households.
SECOND WOMAN. Very good, very good, 'tis perfect! Say on, say on.
PRAXAGORA. They are worth more than you are, as I shall prove. First of
all they wash all their wool in warm water, according to the ancient
practice; you will never see them changing their method. Ah! if Athens
only acted thus, if it did not take delight in ceaseless innovations,
would not its happiness be assured? Then the women sit down to cook, as
they always did; they carry things on their head as was their wont; they
keep the Thesmophoria, as they have ever done; they knead their cakes
just as they used to; they make their husbands angry as they have always
done; they receive their lovers in their houses as was their constant
custom; they buy dainties as they always did; they love unmixed wine as
well as ever; they delight in being loved just as much as they always
have. Let us therefore hand Athens over to them without endless
discussions, without bothering ourselves about what they will do; let us
simply hand them over the power, remembering that they are mothers and
will therefore spare the blood of our soldiers; besides, who will know
better than a mother how to forward provisions to the front? Woman is
adept at getting money for herself and will not easily let herself be
deceived; she understands deceit too well herself. I omit a thousand
other advantages. Take my advice and you will live in perfect happiness.
FIRST WOMAN. How beautiful this is, my dearest Praxagora, how clever! But
where, pray, did you learn all these pretty things?
PRAXAGORA. When the countryfolk were seeking refuge in the city,[669] I
lived on the Pnyx with my husband, and there I learnt to speak through
listening to the orators.
FIRST WOMAN. Then, dear, 'tis not astonishing that you are so eloquent
and clever; henceforward you shall be our leader, so put your great ideas
into execution. But if Cephalus[670] belches forth insults against you,
what answer will you give him in the Assembly?
PRAXAGORA. I shall say that he drivels.
FIRST WOMAN. But all the world knows that.
PRAXAGORA. I shall furthermore say that he is a raving madman.
FIRST WOMAN. There's nobody who does not know it.
PRAXAGORA. That he, as excellent a statesman as he is, is a clumsy
tinker. [671]
FIRST WOMAN. And if the blear-eyed Neoclides[672] comes to insult you?
PRAXAGORA. To him I shall say, "Go and look at a dog's backside". [673]
FIRST WOMAN. And if they fly at you?
PRAXAGORA. Oh! I shall shake them off as best I can; never fear, I know
how to use this tool. [674]
FIRST WOMAN. But there is one thing we don't think of. If the archers
drag you away, what will you do?
PRAXAGORA. With my arms akimbo like this, I will never, never let myself
be taken round the middle.
FIRST WOMAN. If they seize you, we will bid them let you go.
SECOND WOMAN. That's the best way. But how are we going to lift up our
arm[675] in the Assembly, we, who only know how to lift our legs in the
act of love?
PRAXAGORA. 'Tis difficult; yet it must be done, and the arm shown naked
to the shoulder in order to vote. Quick now, put on these tunics and
these Laconian shoes, as you see the men do each time they go to the
Assembly or for a walk. Then this done, fix on your beards, and when they
are arranged in the best way possible, dress yourselves in the cloaks you
have abstracted from your husbands; finally start off leaning on your
staffs and singing some old man's song as the villagers do.
SECOND WOMAN. Well spoken; and let us hurry to get to the Pnyx before the
women from the country, for they will no doubt not fail to come there.
PRAXAGORA. Quick, quick, for 'tis all the custom that those who are not
at the Pnyx early in the morning, return home empty-handed.
CHORUS. Move forward, citizens, move forward; let us not forget to give
ourselves this name and may that of _woman_ never slip out of our mouths;
woe to us, if it were discovered that we had laid such a plot in the
darkness of night. Let us go to the Assembly then, fellow-citizens; for
the Thesmothetae have declared that only those who arrive at daybreak
with haggard eye and covered with dust, without having snatched time to
eat anything but a snack of garlic-pickle, shall alone receive the
triobolus. Walk up smartly, Charitimides,[676] Smicythus and Draces, and
do not fail in any point of your part; let us first demand our fee and
then vote for all that may perchance be useful for our partisans. . . . Ah!
what am I saying? I meant to say, for our fellow-citizens. Let us drive
away these men of the city,[677] who used to stay at home and chatter
round the table in the days when only an obolus was paid, whereas now one
is stifled by the crowds at the Pnyx. [678] No! during the Archonship of
generous Myronides,[679] none would have dared to let himself be paid for
the trouble he spent over public business; each one brought his own meal
of bread, a couple of onions, three olives and some wine in a little
wine-skin. But nowadays we run here to earn the three obols, for the
citizen has become as mercenary as the stonemason. (_The Chorus marches
away. _)
BLEPYRUS (_husband of Praxagora_). What does this mean? My wife has
vanished! it is nearly daybreak and she does not return! Wanting to
relieve myself, lo! I awake and hunt in the darkness for my shoes and my
cloak; but grope where I will, I cannot find them. Meanwhile my need grew
each moment more urgent and I had only just time to seize my wife's
little mantle and her Persian slippers. But where shall I find a spot
suitable for my purpose. Bah! One place is as good as another at
night-time, for no one will see me. Ah! what fatal folly 'twas to take a
wife at my age, and how I could thrash myself for having acted so
foolishly! 'Tis a certainty she's not gone out for any honest purpose.
However, that's not our present business.
A MAN. Who's there? Is that not my neighbour Blepyrus? Why, yes, 'tis
himself and no other. Tell me, what's all that yellow about you? Can it
be Cinesias[680] who has befouled you so?
BLEPYRUS. No, no, I only slipped on my wife's tunic[681] to come out in.
MAN. And where is your cloak?
BLEPYRUS. I cannot tell you, for I hunted for it vainly on the bed.
MAN. And why did you not ask your wife for it?
BLEPYRUS. Ah! why indeed! because she is not in the house; she has run
away, and I greatly fear that she may be doing me an ill turn.
MAN. But, by Posidon, 'tis the same with myself. My wife has disappeared
with my cloak, and what is still worse, with my shoes as well, for I
cannot find them anywhere.
BLEPYRUS. Nor can I my Laconian shoes; but as I had urgent need, I popped
my feet into these slippers, so as not to soil my blanket, which is quite
new.
MAN. What does it mean? Can some friend have invited her to a feast?
BLEPYRUS. I expect so, for she does not generally misconduct herself, as
far as I know.
MAN. Come, I say, you seem to be making ropes. Are you never going to be
done? As for myself, I would like to go to the Assembly, and it is time
to start, but the thing is to find my cloak, for I have only one.
BLEPYRUS. I am going to have a look too, when I have done; but I really
think there must be a wild pear obstructing my rectum.
MAN. Is it the one which Thrasybulus spoke about to the
Lacedaemonians? [682]
BLEPYRUS. Oh! oh! oh! how the obstruction holds!
Whatever am I to do?
'Tis not merely for the present that I am frightened; but when I have
eaten, where is it to find an outlet now? This cursed Achradusian
fellow[683] has bolted the door. Let a doctor be fetched; but which is
the cleverest in this branch of the science? Amynon? [684] Perhaps he
would not come. Ah! Antithenes! [685] Let him be brought to me, cost what
it will. To judge by his noisy sighs, that man knows what a rump wants,
when in urgent need. Oh! venerated Ilithyia! [686] I shall burst unless
the door gives way. Have pity! pity! Let me not become the night-stool of
the comic poets. [687]
CHREMES. Hi! friend, what are you after there? Easing yourself!
BLEPYRUS. Oh! there! it is over and I can get up again at last.
CHREMES. What's this? You have your wife's tunic on.
BLEPYRUS. Aye, 'twas the first thing that came to my hand in the
darkness. But where do you hail from?
CHREMES. From the Assembly.
BLEPYRUS. Is it already over then?
CHREMES. Certainly.
BLEPYRUS. Why, it is scarcely daylight.
CHREMES. I did laugh, ye gods, at the vermilion rope-marks that were to
be seen all about the Assembly. [688]
BLEPYRUS. Did you get the triobolus?
CHREMES. Would it had so pleased the gods! but I arrived just too late,
and am quite ashamed of it; I bring back nothing but this empty wallet.
BLEPYRUS. But why is that?
CHREMES. There was a crowd, such as has never been seen at the Pnyx, and
the folk looked pale and wan, like so many shoemakers, so white were they
in hue; both I and many another had to go without the triobolus.
BLEPYRUS. Then if I went now, I should get nothing.
CHREMES. No, certainly not, nor even had you gone at the second
cock-crow.
BLEPYRUS. Oh! what a misfortune! Oh, Antilochus! [689] no triobolus! Even
death would be better! I am undone! But what can have attracted such a
crowd at that early hour?
CHREMES. The Prytanes started the discussion of measures nearly
concerning the safety of the State; immediately, that blear-eyed fellow,
the son of Neoclides,[690] was the first to mount the platform. Then the
folk shouted with their loudest voice, "What! he dares to speak, and
that, too, when the safety of the State is concerned, and he a man who
has not known how to save even his own eyebrows! " He, however, shouted
louder than they all, and looking at them asked, "Why, what ought I to
have done? "
BLEPYRUS. Pound together garlic and laserpitium juice, add to this
mixture some Laconian spurge, and rub it well into the eyelids at night.
That's what I should have answered, had I been there.
CHREMES. After him that clever rascal Evaeon[691] began to speak; he was
naked, so far as we all could see, but he declared he had a cloak; he
propounded the most popular, the most democratic, doctrines. "You see,"
he said, "I have the greatest need of sixteen drachmae, the cost of a new
cloak, my health demands it; nevertheless I wish first to care for that
of my fellow-citizens and of my country. If the fullers were to supply
tunics to the indigent at the approach of winter, none would be exposed
to pleurisy. Let him who has neither beds nor coverlets go to sleep at
the tanners' after taking a bath; and if they shut the door in winter,
let them be condemned to give him three goat-skins. "
BLEPYRUS. By Dionysus, a fine, a very fine notion! Not a soul will vote
against his proposal, especially if he adds that the flour-sellers must
supply the poor with three measures of corn, or else suffer the severest
penalties of the law; 'tis only in this way that Nausicydes[692] can be
of any use to us.
CHREMES. Then we saw a handsome young man rush into the tribune, he was
all pink and white like young Nicias,[693] and he began to say that the
direction of matters should be entrusted to the women; this the crowd of
shoemakers[694] began applauding with all their might, while the
country-folk assailed him with groans.
BLEPYRUS. And, 'faith, they did well.
CHREMES. But they were outnumbered, and the orator shouted louder than
they, saying much good of the women and much ill of you.
BLEPYRUS. And what did he say?
CHREMES. First he said you were a rogue. . .
BLEPYRUS. And you?
CHREMES. Let me speak . . . and a thief. . . .
BLEPYRUS. I alone?
CHREMES. And an informer.
BLEPYRUS. I alone?
CHREMES. Why, no, by the gods! all of us.
BLEPYRUS. And who avers the contrary?
CHREMES. He maintained that women were both clever and thrifty, that they
never divulged the Mysteries of Demeter, while you and I go about
babbling incessantly about whatever happens at the Senate.
BLEPYRUS. By Hermes, he was not lying!
CHREMES. Then he added, that the women lend each other clothes, trinkets
of gold and silver, drinking-cups, and not before witnesses too, but all
by themselves, and that they return everything with exactitude without
ever cheating each other; whereas, according to him, we are ever ready to
deny the loans we have effected.
BLEPYRUS. Aye, by Posidon, and in spite of witnesses.
CHREMES. Again, he said that women were not informers, nor did they bring
lawsuits, nor hatch conspiracies; in short, he praised the women in every
possible manner.
BLEPYRUS. And what was decided?
CHREMES. To confide the direction of affairs to them; 'tis the one and
only innovation that has not yet been tried at Athens.
BLEPYRUS. And it was voted?
CHREMES. Yes.
BLEPYRUS. And everything that used to be the men's concern has been given
over to the women?
CHREMES. You express it exactly.
BLEPYRUS. Thus 'twill be my wife who will go to the Courts now in my
stead.
CHREMES. And it will be she who will keep your children in your place.
BLEPYRUS. I shall no longer have to tire myself out with work from
daybreak onwards?
CHREMES. No, 'twill be the women's business, and you can stop at home and
take your ease.
BLEPYRUS. Well, what I fear for us fellows now is, that, holding the
reins of government, they will forcibly compel us . . .
CHREMES. To do what?
BLEPYRUS. . . . to work them.
CHREMES. And if we are not able?
BLEPYRUS. They will give us no dinner.
CHREMES. Well then, do your duty; dinner and love form a double
enjoyment.
BLEPYRUS. Ah! but I hate compulsion.
CHREMES. But if it be for the public weal, let us resign ourselves. 'Tis
an old saying, that our absurdest and maddest decrees always somehow turn
out for our good. May it be so in this case, oh gods, oh venerable
Pallas! But I must be off; so, good-bye to you!
BLEPYRUS. Good-bye, Chremes.
CHORUS. March along, go forward. Is there some man following us? Turn
round, examine everywhere and keep a good look-out; be on your guard
against every trick, for they might spy on us from behind. Let us make as
much noise as possible as we tramp. It would be a disgrace for all of us
if we allowed ourselves to be caught in this deed by the men. Come, wrap
yourselves up well, and search both right and left, so that no mischance
may happen to us. Let us hasten our steps; here we are close to the
meeting-place, whence we started for the Assembly, and here is the house
of our leader, the author of this bold scheme, which is now decreed by
all the citizens. Let us not lose a moment in taking off our false
beards, for we might be recognized and denounced. Let us stand under the
shadow of this wall; let us glance round sharply with our eye to beware
of surprises, while we quickly resume our ordinary dress. Ah! here is our
leader, returning from the Assembly. Hasten to relieve your chins of
these flowing manes. Look at your comrades yonder; they have already made
themselves women again some while ago.
PRAXAGORA. Friends, success has crowned our plans. But off with these
cloaks and these boots quick, before any man sees you; unbuckle the
Laconian straps and get rid of your staffs; and do you help them with
their toilet. As for myself, I am going to slip quietly into the house
and replace my husband's cloak and other gear where I took them from,
before he can suspect anything.
CHORUS. There! 'tis done according to your bidding. Now tell us how we
can be of service to you, so that we may show you our obedience, for we
have never seen a cleverer woman than you.
PRAXAGORA. Wait! I only wish to use the power given me in accordance with
your wishes; for, in the market-place, in the midst of the shouts and
danger, I appreciated your indomitable courage.
BLEPYRUS. Eh, Praxagora! where do you come from?
PRAXAGORA. How does that concern you, friend?
BLEPYRUS. Why, greatly! what a silly question!
PRAXAGORA.
PRAXAGORA. What? by the two goddesses! [661] Wretched woman, where are
your senses?
EIGHTH WOMAN. Eh! what? . . . I have not asked you for a drink!
PRAXAGORA. No, but you want to pass for a man, and you swear by the two
goddesses. Otherwise 'twas very well.
EIGHTH WOMAN. Well then. By Apollo. . . .
PRAXAGORA. Stop! All these details of language must be adjusted; else it
is quite useless to go to the Assembly.
SEVENTH WOMAN. Pass me the chaplet; I wish to speak again, for I think I
have got hold of something good. You women who are listening to me. . . .
PRAXAGORA. Women again; why, wretched creature, 'tis men that you are
addressing.
SEVENTH WOMAN. 'Tis the fault of Epigonus;[662] I caught sight of him
over yonder, and I thought I was speaking to women.
PRAXAGORA. Come, withdraw and remain seated in future. I am going to take
this chaplet myself and speak in your name. May the gods grant success to
my plans!
My country is as dear to me as it is to you, and I groan, I am grieved at
all that is happening in it. Scarcely one in ten of those who rule it is
honest, and all the others are bad. If you appoint fresh chiefs, they
will do still worse. It is hard to correct your peevish humour; you fear
those who love you and throw yourselves at the feet of those who betray
you. There was a time when we had no assemblies, and then we all thought
Agyrrhius a dishonest man;[663] now they are established, he who gets
money thinks everything is as it should be, and he who does not, declares
all who sell their votes to be worthy of death.
FIRST WOMAN. By Aphrodite, that is well spoken.
PRAXAGORA. Why, wretched woman, you have actually called upon Aphrodite.
Oh! what a fine thing 'twould have been had you said that in the
Assembly!
FIRST WOMAN. I should never have done that!
PRAXAGORA. Well, mind you don't fall into the habit. --When we were
discussing the alliance,[664] it seemed as though it were all over with
Athens if it fell through. No sooner was it made than we were vexed and
angry, and the orator who had caused its adoption was compelled to seek
safety in flight. [665] Is there talk of equipping a fleet? The poor man
says, yes, but the rich citizen and the countryman say, no. You were
angered against the Corinthians and they with you; now they are well
disposed towards you, be so towards them. As a rule the Argives are dull,
but the Argive Hieronymus[666] is a distinguished chief. Herein lies a
spark of hope; but Thrasybulus is far from Athens[667] and you do not
recall him.
FIRST WOMAN. Oh! what a brilliant man!
PRAXAGORA. That's better! that's fitting applause. --Citizens, 'tis you
who are the cause of all this trouble. You vote yourselves salaries out
of the public funds and care only for your own personal interests; hence
the State limps along like Aesimus. [668] But if you hearken to me, you
will be saved. I assert that the direction of affairs must be handed over
to the women, for 'tis they who have charge and look after our
households.
SECOND WOMAN. Very good, very good, 'tis perfect! Say on, say on.
PRAXAGORA. They are worth more than you are, as I shall prove. First of
all they wash all their wool in warm water, according to the ancient
practice; you will never see them changing their method. Ah! if Athens
only acted thus, if it did not take delight in ceaseless innovations,
would not its happiness be assured? Then the women sit down to cook, as
they always did; they carry things on their head as was their wont; they
keep the Thesmophoria, as they have ever done; they knead their cakes
just as they used to; they make their husbands angry as they have always
done; they receive their lovers in their houses as was their constant
custom; they buy dainties as they always did; they love unmixed wine as
well as ever; they delight in being loved just as much as they always
have. Let us therefore hand Athens over to them without endless
discussions, without bothering ourselves about what they will do; let us
simply hand them over the power, remembering that they are mothers and
will therefore spare the blood of our soldiers; besides, who will know
better than a mother how to forward provisions to the front? Woman is
adept at getting money for herself and will not easily let herself be
deceived; she understands deceit too well herself. I omit a thousand
other advantages. Take my advice and you will live in perfect happiness.
FIRST WOMAN. How beautiful this is, my dearest Praxagora, how clever! But
where, pray, did you learn all these pretty things?
PRAXAGORA. When the countryfolk were seeking refuge in the city,[669] I
lived on the Pnyx with my husband, and there I learnt to speak through
listening to the orators.
FIRST WOMAN. Then, dear, 'tis not astonishing that you are so eloquent
and clever; henceforward you shall be our leader, so put your great ideas
into execution. But if Cephalus[670] belches forth insults against you,
what answer will you give him in the Assembly?
PRAXAGORA. I shall say that he drivels.
FIRST WOMAN. But all the world knows that.
PRAXAGORA. I shall furthermore say that he is a raving madman.
FIRST WOMAN. There's nobody who does not know it.
PRAXAGORA. That he, as excellent a statesman as he is, is a clumsy
tinker. [671]
FIRST WOMAN. And if the blear-eyed Neoclides[672] comes to insult you?
PRAXAGORA. To him I shall say, "Go and look at a dog's backside". [673]
FIRST WOMAN. And if they fly at you?
PRAXAGORA. Oh! I shall shake them off as best I can; never fear, I know
how to use this tool. [674]
FIRST WOMAN. But there is one thing we don't think of. If the archers
drag you away, what will you do?
PRAXAGORA. With my arms akimbo like this, I will never, never let myself
be taken round the middle.
FIRST WOMAN. If they seize you, we will bid them let you go.
SECOND WOMAN. That's the best way. But how are we going to lift up our
arm[675] in the Assembly, we, who only know how to lift our legs in the
act of love?
PRAXAGORA. 'Tis difficult; yet it must be done, and the arm shown naked
to the shoulder in order to vote. Quick now, put on these tunics and
these Laconian shoes, as you see the men do each time they go to the
Assembly or for a walk. Then this done, fix on your beards, and when they
are arranged in the best way possible, dress yourselves in the cloaks you
have abstracted from your husbands; finally start off leaning on your
staffs and singing some old man's song as the villagers do.
SECOND WOMAN. Well spoken; and let us hurry to get to the Pnyx before the
women from the country, for they will no doubt not fail to come there.
PRAXAGORA. Quick, quick, for 'tis all the custom that those who are not
at the Pnyx early in the morning, return home empty-handed.
CHORUS. Move forward, citizens, move forward; let us not forget to give
ourselves this name and may that of _woman_ never slip out of our mouths;
woe to us, if it were discovered that we had laid such a plot in the
darkness of night. Let us go to the Assembly then, fellow-citizens; for
the Thesmothetae have declared that only those who arrive at daybreak
with haggard eye and covered with dust, without having snatched time to
eat anything but a snack of garlic-pickle, shall alone receive the
triobolus. Walk up smartly, Charitimides,[676] Smicythus and Draces, and
do not fail in any point of your part; let us first demand our fee and
then vote for all that may perchance be useful for our partisans. . . . Ah!
what am I saying? I meant to say, for our fellow-citizens. Let us drive
away these men of the city,[677] who used to stay at home and chatter
round the table in the days when only an obolus was paid, whereas now one
is stifled by the crowds at the Pnyx. [678] No! during the Archonship of
generous Myronides,[679] none would have dared to let himself be paid for
the trouble he spent over public business; each one brought his own meal
of bread, a couple of onions, three olives and some wine in a little
wine-skin. But nowadays we run here to earn the three obols, for the
citizen has become as mercenary as the stonemason. (_The Chorus marches
away. _)
BLEPYRUS (_husband of Praxagora_). What does this mean? My wife has
vanished! it is nearly daybreak and she does not return! Wanting to
relieve myself, lo! I awake and hunt in the darkness for my shoes and my
cloak; but grope where I will, I cannot find them. Meanwhile my need grew
each moment more urgent and I had only just time to seize my wife's
little mantle and her Persian slippers. But where shall I find a spot
suitable for my purpose. Bah! One place is as good as another at
night-time, for no one will see me. Ah! what fatal folly 'twas to take a
wife at my age, and how I could thrash myself for having acted so
foolishly! 'Tis a certainty she's not gone out for any honest purpose.
However, that's not our present business.
A MAN. Who's there? Is that not my neighbour Blepyrus? Why, yes, 'tis
himself and no other. Tell me, what's all that yellow about you? Can it
be Cinesias[680] who has befouled you so?
BLEPYRUS. No, no, I only slipped on my wife's tunic[681] to come out in.
MAN. And where is your cloak?
BLEPYRUS. I cannot tell you, for I hunted for it vainly on the bed.
MAN. And why did you not ask your wife for it?
BLEPYRUS. Ah! why indeed! because she is not in the house; she has run
away, and I greatly fear that she may be doing me an ill turn.
MAN. But, by Posidon, 'tis the same with myself. My wife has disappeared
with my cloak, and what is still worse, with my shoes as well, for I
cannot find them anywhere.
BLEPYRUS. Nor can I my Laconian shoes; but as I had urgent need, I popped
my feet into these slippers, so as not to soil my blanket, which is quite
new.
MAN. What does it mean? Can some friend have invited her to a feast?
BLEPYRUS. I expect so, for she does not generally misconduct herself, as
far as I know.
MAN. Come, I say, you seem to be making ropes. Are you never going to be
done? As for myself, I would like to go to the Assembly, and it is time
to start, but the thing is to find my cloak, for I have only one.
BLEPYRUS. I am going to have a look too, when I have done; but I really
think there must be a wild pear obstructing my rectum.
MAN. Is it the one which Thrasybulus spoke about to the
Lacedaemonians? [682]
BLEPYRUS. Oh! oh! oh! how the obstruction holds!
Whatever am I to do?
'Tis not merely for the present that I am frightened; but when I have
eaten, where is it to find an outlet now? This cursed Achradusian
fellow[683] has bolted the door. Let a doctor be fetched; but which is
the cleverest in this branch of the science? Amynon? [684] Perhaps he
would not come. Ah! Antithenes! [685] Let him be brought to me, cost what
it will. To judge by his noisy sighs, that man knows what a rump wants,
when in urgent need. Oh! venerated Ilithyia! [686] I shall burst unless
the door gives way. Have pity! pity! Let me not become the night-stool of
the comic poets. [687]
CHREMES. Hi! friend, what are you after there? Easing yourself!
BLEPYRUS. Oh! there! it is over and I can get up again at last.
CHREMES. What's this? You have your wife's tunic on.
BLEPYRUS. Aye, 'twas the first thing that came to my hand in the
darkness. But where do you hail from?
CHREMES. From the Assembly.
BLEPYRUS. Is it already over then?
CHREMES. Certainly.
BLEPYRUS. Why, it is scarcely daylight.
CHREMES. I did laugh, ye gods, at the vermilion rope-marks that were to
be seen all about the Assembly. [688]
BLEPYRUS. Did you get the triobolus?
CHREMES. Would it had so pleased the gods! but I arrived just too late,
and am quite ashamed of it; I bring back nothing but this empty wallet.
BLEPYRUS. But why is that?
CHREMES. There was a crowd, such as has never been seen at the Pnyx, and
the folk looked pale and wan, like so many shoemakers, so white were they
in hue; both I and many another had to go without the triobolus.
BLEPYRUS. Then if I went now, I should get nothing.
CHREMES. No, certainly not, nor even had you gone at the second
cock-crow.
BLEPYRUS. Oh! what a misfortune! Oh, Antilochus! [689] no triobolus! Even
death would be better! I am undone! But what can have attracted such a
crowd at that early hour?
CHREMES. The Prytanes started the discussion of measures nearly
concerning the safety of the State; immediately, that blear-eyed fellow,
the son of Neoclides,[690] was the first to mount the platform. Then the
folk shouted with their loudest voice, "What! he dares to speak, and
that, too, when the safety of the State is concerned, and he a man who
has not known how to save even his own eyebrows! " He, however, shouted
louder than they all, and looking at them asked, "Why, what ought I to
have done? "
BLEPYRUS. Pound together garlic and laserpitium juice, add to this
mixture some Laconian spurge, and rub it well into the eyelids at night.
That's what I should have answered, had I been there.
CHREMES. After him that clever rascal Evaeon[691] began to speak; he was
naked, so far as we all could see, but he declared he had a cloak; he
propounded the most popular, the most democratic, doctrines. "You see,"
he said, "I have the greatest need of sixteen drachmae, the cost of a new
cloak, my health demands it; nevertheless I wish first to care for that
of my fellow-citizens and of my country. If the fullers were to supply
tunics to the indigent at the approach of winter, none would be exposed
to pleurisy. Let him who has neither beds nor coverlets go to sleep at
the tanners' after taking a bath; and if they shut the door in winter,
let them be condemned to give him three goat-skins. "
BLEPYRUS. By Dionysus, a fine, a very fine notion! Not a soul will vote
against his proposal, especially if he adds that the flour-sellers must
supply the poor with three measures of corn, or else suffer the severest
penalties of the law; 'tis only in this way that Nausicydes[692] can be
of any use to us.
CHREMES. Then we saw a handsome young man rush into the tribune, he was
all pink and white like young Nicias,[693] and he began to say that the
direction of matters should be entrusted to the women; this the crowd of
shoemakers[694] began applauding with all their might, while the
country-folk assailed him with groans.
BLEPYRUS. And, 'faith, they did well.
CHREMES. But they were outnumbered, and the orator shouted louder than
they, saying much good of the women and much ill of you.
BLEPYRUS. And what did he say?
CHREMES. First he said you were a rogue. . .
BLEPYRUS. And you?
CHREMES. Let me speak . . . and a thief. . . .
BLEPYRUS. I alone?
CHREMES. And an informer.
BLEPYRUS. I alone?
CHREMES. Why, no, by the gods! all of us.
BLEPYRUS. And who avers the contrary?
CHREMES. He maintained that women were both clever and thrifty, that they
never divulged the Mysteries of Demeter, while you and I go about
babbling incessantly about whatever happens at the Senate.
BLEPYRUS. By Hermes, he was not lying!
CHREMES. Then he added, that the women lend each other clothes, trinkets
of gold and silver, drinking-cups, and not before witnesses too, but all
by themselves, and that they return everything with exactitude without
ever cheating each other; whereas, according to him, we are ever ready to
deny the loans we have effected.
BLEPYRUS. Aye, by Posidon, and in spite of witnesses.
CHREMES. Again, he said that women were not informers, nor did they bring
lawsuits, nor hatch conspiracies; in short, he praised the women in every
possible manner.
BLEPYRUS. And what was decided?
CHREMES. To confide the direction of affairs to them; 'tis the one and
only innovation that has not yet been tried at Athens.
BLEPYRUS. And it was voted?
CHREMES. Yes.
BLEPYRUS. And everything that used to be the men's concern has been given
over to the women?
CHREMES. You express it exactly.
BLEPYRUS. Thus 'twill be my wife who will go to the Courts now in my
stead.
CHREMES. And it will be she who will keep your children in your place.
BLEPYRUS. I shall no longer have to tire myself out with work from
daybreak onwards?
CHREMES. No, 'twill be the women's business, and you can stop at home and
take your ease.
BLEPYRUS. Well, what I fear for us fellows now is, that, holding the
reins of government, they will forcibly compel us . . .
CHREMES. To do what?
BLEPYRUS. . . . to work them.
CHREMES. And if we are not able?
BLEPYRUS. They will give us no dinner.
CHREMES. Well then, do your duty; dinner and love form a double
enjoyment.
BLEPYRUS. Ah! but I hate compulsion.
CHREMES. But if it be for the public weal, let us resign ourselves. 'Tis
an old saying, that our absurdest and maddest decrees always somehow turn
out for our good. May it be so in this case, oh gods, oh venerable
Pallas! But I must be off; so, good-bye to you!
BLEPYRUS. Good-bye, Chremes.
CHORUS. March along, go forward. Is there some man following us? Turn
round, examine everywhere and keep a good look-out; be on your guard
against every trick, for they might spy on us from behind. Let us make as
much noise as possible as we tramp. It would be a disgrace for all of us
if we allowed ourselves to be caught in this deed by the men. Come, wrap
yourselves up well, and search both right and left, so that no mischance
may happen to us. Let us hasten our steps; here we are close to the
meeting-place, whence we started for the Assembly, and here is the house
of our leader, the author of this bold scheme, which is now decreed by
all the citizens. Let us not lose a moment in taking off our false
beards, for we might be recognized and denounced. Let us stand under the
shadow of this wall; let us glance round sharply with our eye to beware
of surprises, while we quickly resume our ordinary dress. Ah! here is our
leader, returning from the Assembly. Hasten to relieve your chins of
these flowing manes. Look at your comrades yonder; they have already made
themselves women again some while ago.
PRAXAGORA. Friends, success has crowned our plans. But off with these
cloaks and these boots quick, before any man sees you; unbuckle the
Laconian straps and get rid of your staffs; and do you help them with
their toilet. As for myself, I am going to slip quietly into the house
and replace my husband's cloak and other gear where I took them from,
before he can suspect anything.
CHORUS. There! 'tis done according to your bidding. Now tell us how we
can be of service to you, so that we may show you our obedience, for we
have never seen a cleverer woman than you.
PRAXAGORA. Wait! I only wish to use the power given me in accordance with
your wishes; for, in the market-place, in the midst of the shouts and
danger, I appreciated your indomitable courage.
BLEPYRUS. Eh, Praxagora! where do you come from?
PRAXAGORA. How does that concern you, friend?
BLEPYRUS. Why, greatly! what a silly question!
PRAXAGORA.
