But from this time forward, thou shalt only know that have stirred foot upon the main, there no reason why, that instant, thou
shouldst
not do with me that which thou hast now wished to do.
Universal Anthology - v05
Q-rumio
—
What brass he talks with! [Turning away in Faugh!
di»gust. ~\
Tranio — But may Jupiter and all the deities confound you,
you stink of garlic, you filth unmentionable, you clod, you goat, you pigsty, you mongrel of dog and goat !
Ghrumio — What do you want done ? It isn't everybody that can smell of foreign perfumes, even if you smell of them ; or that can take their places at table above their master, or live on such exquisite dainties as you do. Keep those turtledoves, fish, and poultry to yourself ; let me enjoy my lot on garlic. You are fortunate ;
good fortune be awaiting me, your bad yourself.
I unlucky. It must be borne. Let my
Tranio — You seem, Grumio, as though you envied me, because I enjoy myself and you are wretched. It is quite my due. It's proper for me to make love, and for you to feed the cattle ; for me to fare handsomely, you in a miserable way.
THE HAUNTED HOUSE.
67
Crrumio — O riddle [sieve] for the executioner, as I guess it will turn out : they'll be so pinking you with goads, as you carry your gibbet along the streets one day, as soon as ever the old gentleman returns here.
Tranio — How do you know whether that mayn't happen to yourself sooner than to me ?
Grumio — Because I have never deserved it : you have deserved it, and you now deserve it.
Tranio — Do cut short the trouble of your talking, unless you wish a heavy mischance to befall you.
Grumio — Are you going to give me the tares for me to
take for the cattle ? If you are not, give me the money.
on, still persist in the way you've begun ! Drink, live like Greeks, eat, stuff yourselves, slaughter your fatlings ! I
Tranio — Hold your tongue and be off into the country ; intend to go to the Piraeus to get me some fish for the evening. To-morrow I'll make some one bring you the tares to the farm. What's the matter? What are you staring at me now for, gallows-bird ?
Go
Grumio — I' faith, I've an idea that will be your own title before long.
Tranio — So long as it is as it is, in the meantime I'll put up with that " before long. "
Grumio — That's the way ; and understand this one thing, that what is disagreeable comes much quicker than what you
want. — Tranio
Don't make yourself a nuisance : now then, away
Don't deceive
with you into the country — take yourself off. yourself, you shan't be a hindrance in my way.
[Exit. Not to care one
Grumio [to himself] — Is he really gone ?
straw for what I've said ! O immortal gods, I implore your aid, do cause this old gentleman of ours, who has now been three years absent, to return as soon as possible before every thing is gone, both house and land. Unless he does, only enough remnants to last for a few months are left. Now I'll
I see my master's son, one who has been corrupted from having been a most excellent
[Exit.
II. — Philolaches cornes in, soliloquizes, and remains on one side. ]
be off to the country ; but look I young man.
[Scene
68
THE HAUNTED HOUSE.
Scene III.
Enter Philematium and Scapha, with all the requisites for a toilet.
Philematium — On my word, for this long time I've not bathed in cold water with more delight than just now ; nor do I think that I ever was, my dear Scapha, more thoroughly cleansed than now.
Scapha — May the upshot of everything be unto you like a plenteous year's harvest.
Philematium — What has this harvest got to do with my
bathing ? — Scapha
Not a bit more than your bathing has to do with
the harvest. Philolaches [apart]
—
of mine which stripped off all the modesty with which I was
O beauteous Venus, this is that storm
roofed ; through which Desire and Cupid poured their shower into my breast ; and never since have I been able to roof it in. Now are my walls soaking in my heart ; this building is utterly undone. —
Do look, my Scapha, there's a dear, whether this dress quite become me. I wish to please Philolaches my
protector, the apple of my eye.
Scapha — Nay, but you set yourself off to advantage with
pleasing manners, inasmuch as you yourself are pleasing. The lover isn't in love with a woman's dress, but with that which stuffs out the dress.
Philematium
Philolaches [apart] — So may the Gods bless me, Scapha is waggish ; the hussy's quite knowing. How cleverly she under stands all matters, the maxims of lovers, too I
Philematium — Well, now ?
Scapha — What is it ?
Philematium — Why, look at me and examine how this
becomes me.
Scapha — Thanks to your good looks, it happens that what
ever you put on becomes you.
Philolaches [apart] — Now then, for that expression, Sca
pha, I'll make you some present or other to-day, and I won't allow you to have praised for nothing her who is so pleasing to me.
THE HAUNTED HOUSE.
Philematium — I don't want you to flatter me.
69
Scapha — Really, you are a very simple woman. Come now, would you rather be censured undeservedly, than be praised with truth? Upon my faith, for my own part, even though undeservedly, I'd much rather be praised than be found fault with with reason, or that other people should laugh at my appearance.
Philematium — I love the truth ;
I wish the truth to be told
I detest a liar.
me ;
Scapha — So may you love me, and so may your Philolaches
love you, how charming you are I
Philolaches [apart] — How say you, you hussy ? In what
words did you adjure? "So may I love her? " Why wasn't " So may she love me," added as well ? I revoke the present. What I just now promised you is done for ; you have lost the
present. — Troth, for my part I am surprised that a Scapha you, per
son so knowing, so clever, and so well educated, are not aware that you are acting foolishly.
Philematium — Then give me your advice, I beg, if I have done wrong in anything.
Scapha — I' faith, you certainly do wrong in setting your mind upon him alone, in fact, and humoring him in particular in this way and slighting other men. It's the part of a mar ried woman, and not of courtesans, to be devoted to a single lover. —
O Jupiter ! Why, what pest is this
Philolaches [apart]
that has befallen my house? May all the gods and goddesses destroy me in the worst of fashions, if I don't kill this old hag with thirst, and hunger, and cold.
Scapha — You are clearly a simpleton in thinking that he'll for everlasting be your friend and well-wisher. I warn you, he'll forsake you by reason of age and satiety.
Scapha —Things which you don't hope happen more fre quently than things which you do hope. In fine, if you cannot be persuaded by words to believe this to be the truth, judge of my words from facts ; consider this instance, who I now am, and who I once was. No less than you are now, was I once beloved, and I devoted myself to one who, faith, when with age
Philematium — I don't want you, Scapha, to be giving me bad advice.
Philematium — I hope not.
70 THE HAUNTED HOUSE.
this head changed its hue, forsook and deserted me. Depend on the same will happen to yourself.
Philolaches [apart] — can scarcely withhold myself from flying at the eyes of this mischief maker.
Philematium — am of opinion that ought to keep myself alone devoted to him, since to myself alone has he given free dom for himself alone.
Philolaches [apart] — ye immortal gods what charm ing woman, and of disposition how chaste By heaven, 'tis excellently done, and I'm rejoiced at that for her sake I've got nothing left.
Scapha — On my word you really are silly.
Philematium — For what reason
Scapha — Because you care for this, whether he loves you. Philematium — Prithee, why should not care for
Scapha — You now are free. You've now got what you
wanted he didn't still love you, as much money as he gave for your liberty he'd lose.
Philolaches [apart] — Heavens, I'm dead man don't torture her to death after the most shocking fashion. That evil-persuading enticer to vice corrupting this damsel.
Philematium — Scapha, can never return him sufficient thanks for what he deserves of me don't you be persuading me to esteem him less.
Scapha — But take care and reflect upon this one thing, you devote yourself to him alone, while now you are at this youthful age, you'll be complaining to no purpose in your aged years. —
Philolaches [apart] could wish myself this instant changed into quinsy, that might seize the throat of that old witch, and put an end to the wicked mischief maker.
Philematium — It befits me now to have the same grateful feelings since obtained it, as formerly before acquired it, when used to lavish caresses upon him.
Philolaches [apart] — May the gods do towards me what they please, for that speech don't make you free over again, and don't torture Scapha to death.
Scapha — If you are quite assured that you will have pro vision to the end, and that this lover will be your own for life, think that you ought to devote yourself to him alone, and put
on wife's coiffure.
Philematium —Just as person's character is, he's in the
I a
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a
!
it !
THE HAUNTED HOUSE.
71
habit of finding means accordingly. If I keep a good character for myself, I shall be rich enough.
Philolaches [apart] — By my troth, since selling there must be, my father shall be sold much sooner than, while I'm alive, I'll ever permit you to be in want or go a-begging.
Scapha — What's to become of the rest of those who are in love with you ? —
Philematium They'll love me the more when they see me displaying gratitude to one who has done me services.
Philolaches [apart] — I do wish that news were brought me now that my father's dead, that I might disinherit myself of my property, and that she might be my heir.
Scapha — This property of his will certainly soon be at an end ; day and night there's eating and drinking, and no one displays thriftiness ; 'tis downright cramming.
Philolaches [apart] — I' faith, I'm determined to make trial on yourself for the first to be thrifty ; for you shall neither eat nor drink anything at my house for the next ten days.
Philematium — If you choose to say anything good about him, you shall be at liberty to say it ; if you speak otherwise than well, on my word you shall have a beating instantly.
Philolaches [apart] — Upon my faith, if I had paid sacri fice to supreme Jove with that money which I gave for her liberty, never could I have so well employed it. Do see how, from her very heart's core, she loves me ! Oh, I'm a fortunate man ; I've liberated a patron to plead my cause for me.
Scapha — I see that, compared with Philolaches, you dis regard all other men ; now, that on his account I mayn't get a beating, I'll agree with you in preference, if you are quite satis fied that he will always prove a friend to you.
Philematium — Give me the mirror, and the casket with my trinkets, directly, Scapha, that I may be quite dressed when Philolaches, my delight, comes here.
Scapha — A woman who neglects herself and her youthful age has occasion for a mirror : what need of a mirror have you, who yourself are in especial a mirror for a mirror?
Philolaches [apart] — For that expression, Scapha, that you mayn't have said anything so pretty in vain, I'll to-day give something for your savings — to you, my Philematium.
Philematium [while Scapha is dressing her hair] — Will you see that each hair is nicely arranged in its own place ?
72 THE HAUNTED HOUSE.
Scapha — When you are so nice, do believe that your hair
must be nice. — Philolaches [apart]
Out upon it ! what worse thing can possibly be spoken of than this woman? Now the jade's a
flatterer, just now she was all contradictory.
Philematium — Hand me the ceruse.
Scapha — Why, what need of ceruse have you ? Philematium — To paint my cheeks with it.
Scapha —On the same principle, you would want to be
making ivory white with ink.
Philolaches [apart] — Cleverly said that, about the ink
I applaud you, Scapha.
and the ivory ! Bravo !
Philematium — Well, then, do you give me the rouge. Scapha — I shan't give it. You really are a clever one.
Do you wish to patch up a most clever piece with new daub ing ? It's not right that any paint should touch that person, neither ceruse, nor quince ointment, nor any other wash. Take the mirror, then. [Hands her the glass. ]
Philolaches [apart] — Ah, wretched me ! — she gave the glass a kiss. I could much wish for a stone, with which to break the head of that glass.
Scapha — Take the towel and wipe your hands.
Philematium — Why so, prithee ?
Scapha — As you've been holding the mirror, I'm afraid
that your hands may smell of silver ; lest Philolaches should suspect you've been receiving silver somewhere.
Philolaches [apart] — I don't think that I ever did see any one more cunning. How cleverly and artfully did it occur to the jade's imagination about the mirror !
Philematium — Do you think I ought to be perfumed with unguents as well?
Scapha — By no means do so.
Philematium — For what reason ?
Scapha — Because, i' faith, a woman smells best when she
smells of nothing at all. For those old women who are in the habit of anointing themselves with unguents, vampt up, tooth less old hags, who hide the blemishes of the person with paint, when the sweat has blended itself with the unguents, forthwith they stink just like when a cook has poured together a variety of broths ; what they smell of you don't know, except this only, that you understand that badly they do smell.
Philolaches [apart] — How very cleverly she does under
THE HAUNTED HOUSE.
T8
stand everything! There's nothing more knowing than this knowing woman! [To the Audience. ] This is the truth, and in fact a very great portion of you know it, who have old women for wives at home who purchased you with their portions. —
Come now, examine my golden trinkets and
Philematium
my mantle ; does this quite become me, Scapha ?
Scapha — It befits not me to concern myself about that. Philematium — Whom then, prithee ?
Scapha — I'll tell you : Philolaches, so that he may not buy
anything except that which he fancies will please you. For a lover buys the favors of a mistress for himself with gold and purple garments. What need is there for that which he doesn't want as his own, to be shown him still? Age is to be enveloped in purple ; gold ornaments are unsuitable for a woman. A beau tiful woman will be more beautiful naked than drest in purple. Besides, it's in vain she's well-drest if she's ill-conducted ; ill conduct soils fine ornaments worse than dirt. But if she's beauteous, she's sufficiently adorned.
Philolaches [apart] — Too long have I withheld my hand. [Coming forward. ] What are you about here ?
Philematium — I'm decking myself out to please you.
Philolaches — You are dressed enough. [To Scapha. ] Go you hence in doors, and take away this finery. [Scapha goes into the house. ] But, my delight, my Philematium, I have a mind to regale together with you.
Philematium — And, i' faith, so I have with you ; for what you have a mind to, the same have I a mind to, my delight.
Philolaches — Ha ! at twenty mina? that expression were
cheap. — Iwish to let Philematium Give me ten, there's a dear ;
you have that expression bought at a bargain.
Philolaches — You've already got ten minae with you; or
reckon up the account : thirty minae I gave for your freedom — Philematium — Why reproach me with that?
Philolaches — What, I reproach you with it9 Why, I had
rather that I myself were reproached with it ; no money what ever for this long time have I ever laid out equally well.
Philematium — Surely, in loving you, I never could have better employed my pains.
Philolaches — The account, then, of receipts and expendi ture fully tallies between ourselves ; you love me, I love you.
74 THE HAUNTED HOUSE.
Each thinks that it is so deservedly. Those who rejoice at this, may they ever rejoice at the continuance of their own happiness. Those who envy, let not any one henceforth be ever envious of their blessings.
[A friend and his mistress came in ; and while the party are carousing, the arrival of Philolaches' father is announced. The friend is too drunk to leave, and the party are at their wits' end. Tranio tells them to remain
quiet in the house, which is shut up, and he sallies out to meet the father. ]
Act II. — Scene I.
Enter Theuropides, followed by Attendants.
Theuropides [to himself] —Neptune, I do return extreme thanks to thee that thou hast just dismissed me from thee, though scarce alive.
But from this time forward, thou shalt only know that have stirred foot upon the main, there no reason why, that instant, thou shouldst not do with me that which thou hast now wished to do. Away with you, away with you from me henceforth forever after to-day what was to intrust to thee, all of have now intrusted.
Enter Tranio, overhearing him.
Tranio [apart] — By my troth, Neptune, you've been much to blame, to have lost this opportunity so fair.
—
Theuropides —After three years, I've arrived home from Egypt. shall come welcome guest to my household,
suppose.
Tranio [apart]
Upon my faith, he might have come much more welcome one, who had brought the tidings you
were dead. — Theuropides [looking at the door]
But what means this Is the door shut in the daytime I'll knock. [Knocks at the
Hallo, there any one going to open this door for
door. ]
me
Tranio [coming forward, and speaking aloud] — What person that has come so near to our house
Theuropides — Surely, this my servant Tranio.
Tranio — Theuropides, my master, welcome I'm glad that you've arrived in safety. Have you been well all along
?
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;
THE HAUNTED HOUSE. 75
Theuropides — All along, as you see.
Tranio — That's very good.
Theuropides — What about yourselves ? Are you all mad ? Tranio — Why so ?
Theuropides — For this reason; because you are walking
about outside ; not a born person is keeping watch in the house, either to open or to give an answer. With kicking with my feet I've almost broken in the panels.
Tranio — How now ? Have you been touching this house ?
Theuropides — Why shouldn't I touch it ? Why, with kick ing it, I tell you, I've almost broken down the door.
Tranio — What, you touched it ?
Theuropides — I touched it, I tell you, and knocked at it. Tranio — Out upon you I
Theuropides — Why so ?
Tranio — By heavens ! 'twas ill done.
Theuropides — What is the matter ?
Tranio — It cannot be expressed how shocking and dread
ful a mischief you've been guilty of.
Theuropides — How so ?
Tranio — Take to flight, I beseech you, and get away from the house. Fly in this direction, fly closer to me. [He runs towards Tranio. ] What, did you touch the door?
Theuropides — How could I knock, if I didn't touch it ? Tranio — By all that's holy, you've been the death Theuropides — Of what person ?
Tranio — Of all your family.
Theuropides —May the gods and goddesses confound you with that omen.
Tranio — I'm afraid that you can't make satisfaction for yourself and them.
Theuropides — For what reason, or what new affair is this that you thus suddenly bring me news of ?
Tranio — And [whispering'] people to move away from here. of Theuropides. ]
hark you, prithee, do bid those [Pointing to the Attendants
—
Theuropides [to the Attendants] Move away from here.
Tranio — Don't you touch the house. Touch you ground as well. [Exeunt the Attendants.
the
Theuropides — I' faith, prithee, do speak out now.
Tranio — Because it is now seven months that not a person has set foot within this house, and since we once for all left it.
THE HAUNTED HOUSE.
76
Tranio — Just look around, whether there's any person to overhear our discourse. — All's quite safe.
Theuropides [looking around] Tranio — Look around once more.
Theuropides [looking around] — There's nobody ; now then,
Theuropides — Tell me, why so ?
speak out.
Tranio [in a loud whisper]
—
The house has been guilty of
a capital offense. I don't understand you. Theuropides —
Tranio — A crime, I tell you, has been committed there, a long while ago, one of olden time and ancient date.
Theuropides — Of ancient date?
Tranio — 'Tis but recently, in fact, that we've discovered this deed.
Theuropides — What is this crime, or who committed it? Tell me.
Tranio — A host slew his guest, seized with his hand ; he, I fancy, who sold you the house.
Tranio — And robbed this guest of his gold, and buried this guest there in the house, on the spot.
Theuropides — For what reason do you suspect that this
took place?
Tranio — I'll tell you ; listen. One day, when your son had
dined away from home, after he returned home from dining, we all went to bed and fell asleep. By accident, I had for gotten to put out my lamp ; and he, all of a sudden, called out aloud
Theuropides — What person ? My son ?
Tranio — Hist I hold your peace ; just listen. He said that a dead man came to him in his sleep
Theuropides — In his dreams, then, you mean ?
Tranio — Just so. But only listen. He said that he had met with his death by these means
Tranio — It would have been surprising if he had told him awake, who had been murdered sixty years ago. On some occaI sions you are absurdly simple. But look, what he said : " am the guest of Diapontius, from beyond the seas ; here do I dwell ; this has been assigned me as my abode ; for Orcus would not receive me in Acheron, because prematurely I lost
Theuropides — Slew him ?
Theuropides — What, in his sleep?
THE HAUNTED HOUSE. 77
my life. Through confiding was I deceived ; my entertainer slew me here, and that villain secretly laid me in the ground without funereal rites, in this house, on the spot, for the sake of gold. Now do you depart from here; this house is accursed, this dwelling is defiled. " The wonders that here take place, hardly in a year could I recount them. Hush, hush ! [He starts. ] Theuropides — Troth now, what has happened, prithee ?
Tranio — The door made a noise. Was it he that was knocking ?
Theuropides [turning pale] — I have not one drop of blood ! Dead men are come to fetch me to Acheron while alive !
Tranio [aside] — I'm undone ! those people there will mar my plot. [A noise is heard from within. ] How much I dread, lest he should catch me in the fact.
Theuropides — What are you talking about to yourself?
[Goes near the door. ]
Tranio — Do get away from the door. By heavens, fly, I
do beseech you. —
Theuropides Fly where? Fly yourself, as well.
Tranio — I am not afraid :
A Voice [from within] — Hallo ! Tranio.
I am at peace with the dead.
Tranio [in a low voice near the door] — You won't be calling me, if you are wise. [Aloud as if speaking to the Appari
tion. ] 'Tis not I that's guilty ;
Theuropides — Pray, what is it that's wrong? What matter
is agitating you, Tranio ? To whom are you saying these things? Tranio — Prithee, was it you that called me ? So may the gods bless me, I fancied it was this dead man expostulating be
cause you had knocked at the door. But are you still stand ing there, and not doing what I advise you ?
Theuropides — What am I to do ?
Tranio — Take care not to look back. Fly ; cover up your
head ! —
Why don't you fly ? Tranio — I am at peace with the dead.
Theuropides
Theuropides — I recollect. Why then were you so dread fully alarmed just now?
Tranio — Have no care for me, I tell you ; I'll see to my self. You, as you have begun to do, fly as quick as ever you can ; Hercules, too, you will invoke.
Theuropides — Hercules, I do invoke thee ! [Runs off. ] Tranio [to himself] — And I, as well, old fellow, that this
I did not knock at the door.
78 THE HAUNTED HOUSE.
day he'll send some heavy mishap upon you. O ye immortal gods, I do implore your aid. Plague on it ! what a mess I
have got into to-day.
[Exit.
[He pretends to Theuropides that the house has been shut up for some months past, in consequence of its being haunted. In the midst of the conversation, he is accosted by a banker, who duns him for the interest of some money which Philolaches has borrowed of him for the purpose of procuring the freedom of Philematium, his mistress. Theuropides in quires what the money was borrowed for, on which Tranio says that Philolaches has purchased a house with it. On Theuropides making further inquiries, Tranio says that he has bought the house in which Simo is living. On this, Theuropides wishes to examine this new purchase, and sends Tranio to request Simo to allow him to do so, if not inconvenient. Tranio obtains the permission as follows. ]
Simo — What is the matter ? Do inform me.
Tranio — I will inform you. My master has arrived from
abroad. —
Simo In that case the cord will be stretched for you;
thence to the place where iron fetters clink ; after that, straight to the cross.
Tranio — Now, by your knees, I do implore you, don't give information to my master.
Simo — Don't you fear ; he shall know nothing from me. Tranio — Blessings on you, my patron.
Simo — I don't care for clients of this description for myself. Tranio — Now as to this about which our old gentleman has
sent me.
Simo — First answer me this that I ask you. As yet, has
your old gentleman discovered anything of these matters ? Tranio — Nothing whatever.
Simo — Has he censured his son at all ?
Tranio — He is as calm as the calm weather is wont to be.
Now he has requested me most earnestly to beg this of you, that leave may be given him to see over this house of yours.
Simo — It's not for sale.
Tranio — I know that indeed ; but the old gentleman wishes
to build a woman's apartment here in his own house, baths, too, and a piazza, and a porch.
Simo — What has he been dreaming of ?
Tranio — I'll tell you. He wishes to give his son a wife as
soon as he can ; for that purpose he wants a new apartment for the women. But he says that some builder, I don't know who, has been praising up to him this house of yours, as being
THE HAUNTED HOUSE.
******* Simo —I'm glad that you've arrived safely from abroad,
remarkably well built ; now he's desirous to take a model from you don't make any objection
Simo — He may look over it, he likes. If there thing that takes his fancy, let him build after my plan.
any
Theuropides. — Theuropides
May the gods bless you.
Simo — Your servant was telling me that you were desirous
to look over this house.
Theuropides — Unless it's inconvenient to you.
Simo — Oh no quite convenient. Do step indoors and
look over it. —
—
Simo — Take you care not to trouble yourself straw about
Theuropides [pausing]
But yet
the ladies
any lady. Walk in every direction, wherever you like, all over the house, just as though were your own.
79
Theuropides [apart to Tranio] — " Just as though "
Tranio [whispering] — Oh, take care that you don't throw in his teeth now in his concern, that you have bought it. Don't you see him, how sad countenance the old gentleman has
Theuropides [apart] — see.
Tranio [apart] — Then don't seem to exult, and to be over much delighted in fact, don't make mention that you've
and think you've humane disposition.
at your leisure, just
bought it. — Theuropides [apart]
understand given good advice, and that shows
[Turning to Simo. ] What now?
Simo — Won't you go in Look over
as you like. — Theuropides
kindly. —
consider that you are acting civilly and
Simo Troth, wish to do so. Should you like some one
to show you over
Theuropides —Away with any one to show me over.
don't want him.
Simo — Why What's the matter
Theuropides —I'll go wrong, rather than any one should show me over.
Tranio [pointing] — Don't you see, this vestibule before the house, and the piazza, of what compass
Theuropides — Troth, really handsome
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80 THE HAUNTED HOUSE.
Tranio — Well, look now, what pillars there are, with what strength they are built, and of what a thickness.
Theuropides — I don't think that I ever saw handsomer pillars. Simo — I' faith, they were some time since bought by me at
such aprice! — Tranio [aside, whispering']
—" once " ? He seems hardly able to refrain from tears.
Why, upon my word, they are much more unsound than I thought
them at first.
Tranio — Why so ?
Theuropides —Because, i' faith, the woodworm has split
them both from the bottom.
—
What brass he talks with! [Turning away in Faugh!
di»gust. ~\
Tranio — But may Jupiter and all the deities confound you,
you stink of garlic, you filth unmentionable, you clod, you goat, you pigsty, you mongrel of dog and goat !
Ghrumio — What do you want done ? It isn't everybody that can smell of foreign perfumes, even if you smell of them ; or that can take their places at table above their master, or live on such exquisite dainties as you do. Keep those turtledoves, fish, and poultry to yourself ; let me enjoy my lot on garlic. You are fortunate ;
good fortune be awaiting me, your bad yourself.
I unlucky. It must be borne. Let my
Tranio — You seem, Grumio, as though you envied me, because I enjoy myself and you are wretched. It is quite my due. It's proper for me to make love, and for you to feed the cattle ; for me to fare handsomely, you in a miserable way.
THE HAUNTED HOUSE.
67
Crrumio — O riddle [sieve] for the executioner, as I guess it will turn out : they'll be so pinking you with goads, as you carry your gibbet along the streets one day, as soon as ever the old gentleman returns here.
Tranio — How do you know whether that mayn't happen to yourself sooner than to me ?
Grumio — Because I have never deserved it : you have deserved it, and you now deserve it.
Tranio — Do cut short the trouble of your talking, unless you wish a heavy mischance to befall you.
Grumio — Are you going to give me the tares for me to
take for the cattle ? If you are not, give me the money.
on, still persist in the way you've begun ! Drink, live like Greeks, eat, stuff yourselves, slaughter your fatlings ! I
Tranio — Hold your tongue and be off into the country ; intend to go to the Piraeus to get me some fish for the evening. To-morrow I'll make some one bring you the tares to the farm. What's the matter? What are you staring at me now for, gallows-bird ?
Go
Grumio — I' faith, I've an idea that will be your own title before long.
Tranio — So long as it is as it is, in the meantime I'll put up with that " before long. "
Grumio — That's the way ; and understand this one thing, that what is disagreeable comes much quicker than what you
want. — Tranio
Don't make yourself a nuisance : now then, away
Don't deceive
with you into the country — take yourself off. yourself, you shan't be a hindrance in my way.
[Exit. Not to care one
Grumio [to himself] — Is he really gone ?
straw for what I've said ! O immortal gods, I implore your aid, do cause this old gentleman of ours, who has now been three years absent, to return as soon as possible before every thing is gone, both house and land. Unless he does, only enough remnants to last for a few months are left. Now I'll
I see my master's son, one who has been corrupted from having been a most excellent
[Exit.
II. — Philolaches cornes in, soliloquizes, and remains on one side. ]
be off to the country ; but look I young man.
[Scene
68
THE HAUNTED HOUSE.
Scene III.
Enter Philematium and Scapha, with all the requisites for a toilet.
Philematium — On my word, for this long time I've not bathed in cold water with more delight than just now ; nor do I think that I ever was, my dear Scapha, more thoroughly cleansed than now.
Scapha — May the upshot of everything be unto you like a plenteous year's harvest.
Philematium — What has this harvest got to do with my
bathing ? — Scapha
Not a bit more than your bathing has to do with
the harvest. Philolaches [apart]
—
of mine which stripped off all the modesty with which I was
O beauteous Venus, this is that storm
roofed ; through which Desire and Cupid poured their shower into my breast ; and never since have I been able to roof it in. Now are my walls soaking in my heart ; this building is utterly undone. —
Do look, my Scapha, there's a dear, whether this dress quite become me. I wish to please Philolaches my
protector, the apple of my eye.
Scapha — Nay, but you set yourself off to advantage with
pleasing manners, inasmuch as you yourself are pleasing. The lover isn't in love with a woman's dress, but with that which stuffs out the dress.
Philematium
Philolaches [apart] — So may the Gods bless me, Scapha is waggish ; the hussy's quite knowing. How cleverly she under stands all matters, the maxims of lovers, too I
Philematium — Well, now ?
Scapha — What is it ?
Philematium — Why, look at me and examine how this
becomes me.
Scapha — Thanks to your good looks, it happens that what
ever you put on becomes you.
Philolaches [apart] — Now then, for that expression, Sca
pha, I'll make you some present or other to-day, and I won't allow you to have praised for nothing her who is so pleasing to me.
THE HAUNTED HOUSE.
Philematium — I don't want you to flatter me.
69
Scapha — Really, you are a very simple woman. Come now, would you rather be censured undeservedly, than be praised with truth? Upon my faith, for my own part, even though undeservedly, I'd much rather be praised than be found fault with with reason, or that other people should laugh at my appearance.
Philematium — I love the truth ;
I wish the truth to be told
I detest a liar.
me ;
Scapha — So may you love me, and so may your Philolaches
love you, how charming you are I
Philolaches [apart] — How say you, you hussy ? In what
words did you adjure? "So may I love her? " Why wasn't " So may she love me," added as well ? I revoke the present. What I just now promised you is done for ; you have lost the
present. — Troth, for my part I am surprised that a Scapha you, per
son so knowing, so clever, and so well educated, are not aware that you are acting foolishly.
Philematium — Then give me your advice, I beg, if I have done wrong in anything.
Scapha — I' faith, you certainly do wrong in setting your mind upon him alone, in fact, and humoring him in particular in this way and slighting other men. It's the part of a mar ried woman, and not of courtesans, to be devoted to a single lover. —
O Jupiter ! Why, what pest is this
Philolaches [apart]
that has befallen my house? May all the gods and goddesses destroy me in the worst of fashions, if I don't kill this old hag with thirst, and hunger, and cold.
Scapha — You are clearly a simpleton in thinking that he'll for everlasting be your friend and well-wisher. I warn you, he'll forsake you by reason of age and satiety.
Scapha —Things which you don't hope happen more fre quently than things which you do hope. In fine, if you cannot be persuaded by words to believe this to be the truth, judge of my words from facts ; consider this instance, who I now am, and who I once was. No less than you are now, was I once beloved, and I devoted myself to one who, faith, when with age
Philematium — I don't want you, Scapha, to be giving me bad advice.
Philematium — I hope not.
70 THE HAUNTED HOUSE.
this head changed its hue, forsook and deserted me. Depend on the same will happen to yourself.
Philolaches [apart] — can scarcely withhold myself from flying at the eyes of this mischief maker.
Philematium — am of opinion that ought to keep myself alone devoted to him, since to myself alone has he given free dom for himself alone.
Philolaches [apart] — ye immortal gods what charm ing woman, and of disposition how chaste By heaven, 'tis excellently done, and I'm rejoiced at that for her sake I've got nothing left.
Scapha — On my word you really are silly.
Philematium — For what reason
Scapha — Because you care for this, whether he loves you. Philematium — Prithee, why should not care for
Scapha — You now are free. You've now got what you
wanted he didn't still love you, as much money as he gave for your liberty he'd lose.
Philolaches [apart] — Heavens, I'm dead man don't torture her to death after the most shocking fashion. That evil-persuading enticer to vice corrupting this damsel.
Philematium — Scapha, can never return him sufficient thanks for what he deserves of me don't you be persuading me to esteem him less.
Scapha — But take care and reflect upon this one thing, you devote yourself to him alone, while now you are at this youthful age, you'll be complaining to no purpose in your aged years. —
Philolaches [apart] could wish myself this instant changed into quinsy, that might seize the throat of that old witch, and put an end to the wicked mischief maker.
Philematium — It befits me now to have the same grateful feelings since obtained it, as formerly before acquired it, when used to lavish caresses upon him.
Philolaches [apart] — May the gods do towards me what they please, for that speech don't make you free over again, and don't torture Scapha to death.
Scapha — If you are quite assured that you will have pro vision to the end, and that this lover will be your own for life, think that you ought to devote yourself to him alone, and put
on wife's coiffure.
Philematium —Just as person's character is, he's in the
I a
if I
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it,
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a
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if
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if it I?
a
!
it !
THE HAUNTED HOUSE.
71
habit of finding means accordingly. If I keep a good character for myself, I shall be rich enough.
Philolaches [apart] — By my troth, since selling there must be, my father shall be sold much sooner than, while I'm alive, I'll ever permit you to be in want or go a-begging.
Scapha — What's to become of the rest of those who are in love with you ? —
Philematium They'll love me the more when they see me displaying gratitude to one who has done me services.
Philolaches [apart] — I do wish that news were brought me now that my father's dead, that I might disinherit myself of my property, and that she might be my heir.
Scapha — This property of his will certainly soon be at an end ; day and night there's eating and drinking, and no one displays thriftiness ; 'tis downright cramming.
Philolaches [apart] — I' faith, I'm determined to make trial on yourself for the first to be thrifty ; for you shall neither eat nor drink anything at my house for the next ten days.
Philematium — If you choose to say anything good about him, you shall be at liberty to say it ; if you speak otherwise than well, on my word you shall have a beating instantly.
Philolaches [apart] — Upon my faith, if I had paid sacri fice to supreme Jove with that money which I gave for her liberty, never could I have so well employed it. Do see how, from her very heart's core, she loves me ! Oh, I'm a fortunate man ; I've liberated a patron to plead my cause for me.
Scapha — I see that, compared with Philolaches, you dis regard all other men ; now, that on his account I mayn't get a beating, I'll agree with you in preference, if you are quite satis fied that he will always prove a friend to you.
Philematium — Give me the mirror, and the casket with my trinkets, directly, Scapha, that I may be quite dressed when Philolaches, my delight, comes here.
Scapha — A woman who neglects herself and her youthful age has occasion for a mirror : what need of a mirror have you, who yourself are in especial a mirror for a mirror?
Philolaches [apart] — For that expression, Scapha, that you mayn't have said anything so pretty in vain, I'll to-day give something for your savings — to you, my Philematium.
Philematium [while Scapha is dressing her hair] — Will you see that each hair is nicely arranged in its own place ?
72 THE HAUNTED HOUSE.
Scapha — When you are so nice, do believe that your hair
must be nice. — Philolaches [apart]
Out upon it ! what worse thing can possibly be spoken of than this woman? Now the jade's a
flatterer, just now she was all contradictory.
Philematium — Hand me the ceruse.
Scapha — Why, what need of ceruse have you ? Philematium — To paint my cheeks with it.
Scapha —On the same principle, you would want to be
making ivory white with ink.
Philolaches [apart] — Cleverly said that, about the ink
I applaud you, Scapha.
and the ivory ! Bravo !
Philematium — Well, then, do you give me the rouge. Scapha — I shan't give it. You really are a clever one.
Do you wish to patch up a most clever piece with new daub ing ? It's not right that any paint should touch that person, neither ceruse, nor quince ointment, nor any other wash. Take the mirror, then. [Hands her the glass. ]
Philolaches [apart] — Ah, wretched me ! — she gave the glass a kiss. I could much wish for a stone, with which to break the head of that glass.
Scapha — Take the towel and wipe your hands.
Philematium — Why so, prithee ?
Scapha — As you've been holding the mirror, I'm afraid
that your hands may smell of silver ; lest Philolaches should suspect you've been receiving silver somewhere.
Philolaches [apart] — I don't think that I ever did see any one more cunning. How cleverly and artfully did it occur to the jade's imagination about the mirror !
Philematium — Do you think I ought to be perfumed with unguents as well?
Scapha — By no means do so.
Philematium — For what reason ?
Scapha — Because, i' faith, a woman smells best when she
smells of nothing at all. For those old women who are in the habit of anointing themselves with unguents, vampt up, tooth less old hags, who hide the blemishes of the person with paint, when the sweat has blended itself with the unguents, forthwith they stink just like when a cook has poured together a variety of broths ; what they smell of you don't know, except this only, that you understand that badly they do smell.
Philolaches [apart] — How very cleverly she does under
THE HAUNTED HOUSE.
T8
stand everything! There's nothing more knowing than this knowing woman! [To the Audience. ] This is the truth, and in fact a very great portion of you know it, who have old women for wives at home who purchased you with their portions. —
Come now, examine my golden trinkets and
Philematium
my mantle ; does this quite become me, Scapha ?
Scapha — It befits not me to concern myself about that. Philematium — Whom then, prithee ?
Scapha — I'll tell you : Philolaches, so that he may not buy
anything except that which he fancies will please you. For a lover buys the favors of a mistress for himself with gold and purple garments. What need is there for that which he doesn't want as his own, to be shown him still? Age is to be enveloped in purple ; gold ornaments are unsuitable for a woman. A beau tiful woman will be more beautiful naked than drest in purple. Besides, it's in vain she's well-drest if she's ill-conducted ; ill conduct soils fine ornaments worse than dirt. But if she's beauteous, she's sufficiently adorned.
Philolaches [apart] — Too long have I withheld my hand. [Coming forward. ] What are you about here ?
Philematium — I'm decking myself out to please you.
Philolaches — You are dressed enough. [To Scapha. ] Go you hence in doors, and take away this finery. [Scapha goes into the house. ] But, my delight, my Philematium, I have a mind to regale together with you.
Philematium — And, i' faith, so I have with you ; for what you have a mind to, the same have I a mind to, my delight.
Philolaches — Ha ! at twenty mina? that expression were
cheap. — Iwish to let Philematium Give me ten, there's a dear ;
you have that expression bought at a bargain.
Philolaches — You've already got ten minae with you; or
reckon up the account : thirty minae I gave for your freedom — Philematium — Why reproach me with that?
Philolaches — What, I reproach you with it9 Why, I had
rather that I myself were reproached with it ; no money what ever for this long time have I ever laid out equally well.
Philematium — Surely, in loving you, I never could have better employed my pains.
Philolaches — The account, then, of receipts and expendi ture fully tallies between ourselves ; you love me, I love you.
74 THE HAUNTED HOUSE.
Each thinks that it is so deservedly. Those who rejoice at this, may they ever rejoice at the continuance of their own happiness. Those who envy, let not any one henceforth be ever envious of their blessings.
[A friend and his mistress came in ; and while the party are carousing, the arrival of Philolaches' father is announced. The friend is too drunk to leave, and the party are at their wits' end. Tranio tells them to remain
quiet in the house, which is shut up, and he sallies out to meet the father. ]
Act II. — Scene I.
Enter Theuropides, followed by Attendants.
Theuropides [to himself] —Neptune, I do return extreme thanks to thee that thou hast just dismissed me from thee, though scarce alive.
But from this time forward, thou shalt only know that have stirred foot upon the main, there no reason why, that instant, thou shouldst not do with me that which thou hast now wished to do. Away with you, away with you from me henceforth forever after to-day what was to intrust to thee, all of have now intrusted.
Enter Tranio, overhearing him.
Tranio [apart] — By my troth, Neptune, you've been much to blame, to have lost this opportunity so fair.
—
Theuropides —After three years, I've arrived home from Egypt. shall come welcome guest to my household,
suppose.
Tranio [apart]
Upon my faith, he might have come much more welcome one, who had brought the tidings you
were dead. — Theuropides [looking at the door]
But what means this Is the door shut in the daytime I'll knock. [Knocks at the
Hallo, there any one going to open this door for
door. ]
me
Tranio [coming forward, and speaking aloud] — What person that has come so near to our house
Theuropides — Surely, this my servant Tranio.
Tranio — Theuropides, my master, welcome I'm glad that you've arrived in safety. Have you been well all along
?
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;
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I
if, a
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?
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;
THE HAUNTED HOUSE. 75
Theuropides — All along, as you see.
Tranio — That's very good.
Theuropides — What about yourselves ? Are you all mad ? Tranio — Why so ?
Theuropides — For this reason; because you are walking
about outside ; not a born person is keeping watch in the house, either to open or to give an answer. With kicking with my feet I've almost broken in the panels.
Tranio — How now ? Have you been touching this house ?
Theuropides — Why shouldn't I touch it ? Why, with kick ing it, I tell you, I've almost broken down the door.
Tranio — What, you touched it ?
Theuropides — I touched it, I tell you, and knocked at it. Tranio — Out upon you I
Theuropides — Why so ?
Tranio — By heavens ! 'twas ill done.
Theuropides — What is the matter ?
Tranio — It cannot be expressed how shocking and dread
ful a mischief you've been guilty of.
Theuropides — How so ?
Tranio — Take to flight, I beseech you, and get away from the house. Fly in this direction, fly closer to me. [He runs towards Tranio. ] What, did you touch the door?
Theuropides — How could I knock, if I didn't touch it ? Tranio — By all that's holy, you've been the death Theuropides — Of what person ?
Tranio — Of all your family.
Theuropides —May the gods and goddesses confound you with that omen.
Tranio — I'm afraid that you can't make satisfaction for yourself and them.
Theuropides — For what reason, or what new affair is this that you thus suddenly bring me news of ?
Tranio — And [whispering'] people to move away from here. of Theuropides. ]
hark you, prithee, do bid those [Pointing to the Attendants
—
Theuropides [to the Attendants] Move away from here.
Tranio — Don't you touch the house. Touch you ground as well. [Exeunt the Attendants.
the
Theuropides — I' faith, prithee, do speak out now.
Tranio — Because it is now seven months that not a person has set foot within this house, and since we once for all left it.
THE HAUNTED HOUSE.
76
Tranio — Just look around, whether there's any person to overhear our discourse. — All's quite safe.
Theuropides [looking around] Tranio — Look around once more.
Theuropides [looking around] — There's nobody ; now then,
Theuropides — Tell me, why so ?
speak out.
Tranio [in a loud whisper]
—
The house has been guilty of
a capital offense. I don't understand you. Theuropides —
Tranio — A crime, I tell you, has been committed there, a long while ago, one of olden time and ancient date.
Theuropides — Of ancient date?
Tranio — 'Tis but recently, in fact, that we've discovered this deed.
Theuropides — What is this crime, or who committed it? Tell me.
Tranio — A host slew his guest, seized with his hand ; he, I fancy, who sold you the house.
Tranio — And robbed this guest of his gold, and buried this guest there in the house, on the spot.
Theuropides — For what reason do you suspect that this
took place?
Tranio — I'll tell you ; listen. One day, when your son had
dined away from home, after he returned home from dining, we all went to bed and fell asleep. By accident, I had for gotten to put out my lamp ; and he, all of a sudden, called out aloud
Theuropides — What person ? My son ?
Tranio — Hist I hold your peace ; just listen. He said that a dead man came to him in his sleep
Theuropides — In his dreams, then, you mean ?
Tranio — Just so. But only listen. He said that he had met with his death by these means
Tranio — It would have been surprising if he had told him awake, who had been murdered sixty years ago. On some occaI sions you are absurdly simple. But look, what he said : " am the guest of Diapontius, from beyond the seas ; here do I dwell ; this has been assigned me as my abode ; for Orcus would not receive me in Acheron, because prematurely I lost
Theuropides — Slew him ?
Theuropides — What, in his sleep?
THE HAUNTED HOUSE. 77
my life. Through confiding was I deceived ; my entertainer slew me here, and that villain secretly laid me in the ground without funereal rites, in this house, on the spot, for the sake of gold. Now do you depart from here; this house is accursed, this dwelling is defiled. " The wonders that here take place, hardly in a year could I recount them. Hush, hush ! [He starts. ] Theuropides — Troth now, what has happened, prithee ?
Tranio — The door made a noise. Was it he that was knocking ?
Theuropides [turning pale] — I have not one drop of blood ! Dead men are come to fetch me to Acheron while alive !
Tranio [aside] — I'm undone ! those people there will mar my plot. [A noise is heard from within. ] How much I dread, lest he should catch me in the fact.
Theuropides — What are you talking about to yourself?
[Goes near the door. ]
Tranio — Do get away from the door. By heavens, fly, I
do beseech you. —
Theuropides Fly where? Fly yourself, as well.
Tranio — I am not afraid :
A Voice [from within] — Hallo ! Tranio.
I am at peace with the dead.
Tranio [in a low voice near the door] — You won't be calling me, if you are wise. [Aloud as if speaking to the Appari
tion. ] 'Tis not I that's guilty ;
Theuropides — Pray, what is it that's wrong? What matter
is agitating you, Tranio ? To whom are you saying these things? Tranio — Prithee, was it you that called me ? So may the gods bless me, I fancied it was this dead man expostulating be
cause you had knocked at the door. But are you still stand ing there, and not doing what I advise you ?
Theuropides — What am I to do ?
Tranio — Take care not to look back. Fly ; cover up your
head ! —
Why don't you fly ? Tranio — I am at peace with the dead.
Theuropides
Theuropides — I recollect. Why then were you so dread fully alarmed just now?
Tranio — Have no care for me, I tell you ; I'll see to my self. You, as you have begun to do, fly as quick as ever you can ; Hercules, too, you will invoke.
Theuropides — Hercules, I do invoke thee ! [Runs off. ] Tranio [to himself] — And I, as well, old fellow, that this
I did not knock at the door.
78 THE HAUNTED HOUSE.
day he'll send some heavy mishap upon you. O ye immortal gods, I do implore your aid. Plague on it ! what a mess I
have got into to-day.
[Exit.
[He pretends to Theuropides that the house has been shut up for some months past, in consequence of its being haunted. In the midst of the conversation, he is accosted by a banker, who duns him for the interest of some money which Philolaches has borrowed of him for the purpose of procuring the freedom of Philematium, his mistress. Theuropides in quires what the money was borrowed for, on which Tranio says that Philolaches has purchased a house with it. On Theuropides making further inquiries, Tranio says that he has bought the house in which Simo is living. On this, Theuropides wishes to examine this new purchase, and sends Tranio to request Simo to allow him to do so, if not inconvenient. Tranio obtains the permission as follows. ]
Simo — What is the matter ? Do inform me.
Tranio — I will inform you. My master has arrived from
abroad. —
Simo In that case the cord will be stretched for you;
thence to the place where iron fetters clink ; after that, straight to the cross.
Tranio — Now, by your knees, I do implore you, don't give information to my master.
Simo — Don't you fear ; he shall know nothing from me. Tranio — Blessings on you, my patron.
Simo — I don't care for clients of this description for myself. Tranio — Now as to this about which our old gentleman has
sent me.
Simo — First answer me this that I ask you. As yet, has
your old gentleman discovered anything of these matters ? Tranio — Nothing whatever.
Simo — Has he censured his son at all ?
Tranio — He is as calm as the calm weather is wont to be.
Now he has requested me most earnestly to beg this of you, that leave may be given him to see over this house of yours.
Simo — It's not for sale.
Tranio — I know that indeed ; but the old gentleman wishes
to build a woman's apartment here in his own house, baths, too, and a piazza, and a porch.
Simo — What has he been dreaming of ?
Tranio — I'll tell you. He wishes to give his son a wife as
soon as he can ; for that purpose he wants a new apartment for the women. But he says that some builder, I don't know who, has been praising up to him this house of yours, as being
THE HAUNTED HOUSE.
******* Simo —I'm glad that you've arrived safely from abroad,
remarkably well built ; now he's desirous to take a model from you don't make any objection
Simo — He may look over it, he likes. If there thing that takes his fancy, let him build after my plan.
any
Theuropides. — Theuropides
May the gods bless you.
Simo — Your servant was telling me that you were desirous
to look over this house.
Theuropides — Unless it's inconvenient to you.
Simo — Oh no quite convenient. Do step indoors and
look over it. —
—
Simo — Take you care not to trouble yourself straw about
Theuropides [pausing]
But yet
the ladies
any lady. Walk in every direction, wherever you like, all over the house, just as though were your own.
79
Theuropides [apart to Tranio] — " Just as though "
Tranio [whispering] — Oh, take care that you don't throw in his teeth now in his concern, that you have bought it. Don't you see him, how sad countenance the old gentleman has
Theuropides [apart] — see.
Tranio [apart] — Then don't seem to exult, and to be over much delighted in fact, don't make mention that you've
and think you've humane disposition.
at your leisure, just
bought it. — Theuropides [apart]
understand given good advice, and that shows
[Turning to Simo. ] What now?
Simo — Won't you go in Look over
as you like. — Theuropides
kindly. —
consider that you are acting civilly and
Simo Troth, wish to do so. Should you like some one
to show you over
Theuropides —Away with any one to show me over.
don't want him.
Simo — Why What's the matter
Theuropides —I'll go wrong, rather than any one should show me over.
Tranio [pointing] — Don't you see, this vestibule before the house, and the piazza, of what compass
Theuropides — Troth, really handsome
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80 THE HAUNTED HOUSE.
Tranio — Well, look now, what pillars there are, with what strength they are built, and of what a thickness.
Theuropides — I don't think that I ever saw handsomer pillars. Simo — I' faith, they were some time since bought by me at
such aprice! — Tranio [aside, whispering']
—" once " ? He seems hardly able to refrain from tears.
Why, upon my word, they are much more unsound than I thought
them at first.
Tranio — Why so ?
Theuropides —Because, i' faith, the woodworm has split
them both from the bottom.
