No More Learning

_"—_p. _ 48.
]


My wife had been for a long time all attention to this discourse, but
was particularly struck with the latter part of it. Thirty pounds and
twenty-five guineas a year, made fifty-six pounds five shillings English
money; all which was in a manner going a begging, and might easily be
secured in the family. She for a moment studied my looks of approbation;
and, to own the truth, I was of opinion that two such places would fit
our two daughters exactly. Besides, if the squire had any real affection
for my eldest daughter, this would be the way to make her every way
qualified for her fortune. My wife, therefore, was resolved that we
should not be deprived of such advantages for want of assurance, and
undertook to harangue for the family. "I hope," cried she, "your
ladyship will pardon my present presumption. It is true, we have no
right to pretend to such favours, but yet it is natural for me to wish
putting my children forward in the world. And I will be bold to say, my
two girls have had a pretty good education, and capacity; at least the
country can't show better. They can read, write, and cast accounts; they
understand their needle, broad-stitch, cross, and change, and all manner
of plain work; they can pink, point, and frill; and know something of
music; they can do up small clothes and work upon catgut; my eldest can
cut paper, and my youngest has a very pretty manner of telling fortunes
upon the cards? "—_Fudge! _

When she had delivered this pretty piece of eloquence, the two ladies
looked at each other a few minutes in silence, with an air of doubt and
importance. At last Miss Carolina Wilhelmina Amelia Skeggs condescended
to observe, that the young ladies, from the opinion she could form of
them from so slight an acquaintance, seemed very fit for such
employments: "but a thing of this kind, madam," cried she, addressing my
spouse, "requires a thorough examination into characters, and a more
perfect knowledge of each other. Not, madam," continued she, "that I in
the least suspect the young ladies' virtue, prudence, and discretion;
but there is a form in these things, madam; there is a form. "—_Fudge! _

My wife approved her suspicions very much, observing that she was very
apt to be suspicious herself; but referred her to all the neighbours for
a character; but this our peeress declined as unnecessary, alleging that
her cousin Thornhill's recommendation would be sufficient, and upon this
we rested our petition.




_CHAPTER XII. _

_Fortune seems resolved to humble the family of
Wakefield. —Mortifications are often more painful than real calamities. _


When we returned home, the night was dedicated to schemes of future
conquest. Deborah exerted much sagacity in conjecturing which of the two
girls was likely to have the best place and most opportunities of seeing
good company. The only obstacle to our preferment was in obtaining the
squire's recommendation; but he had already shown us too many instances
of his friendship to doubt of it now. Even in bed my wife kept up the
usual theme. "Well, faith, my dear Charles, between ourselves, I think
we have made an excellent day's work of it. " "Pretty well," cried I, not
knowing what to say. "What, only pretty well! " returned she, "I think it
is very well. Suppose the girls should come to make acquaintance of
taste in town? This I am assured of, that London is the only place in
the world for all manner of husbands. Besides, my dear, stranger things
happen every day; and as ladies of quality are so taken with my
daughters, what will not men of quality be? _Entre nous_, I protest I
like my Lady Blarney vastly: so very obliging. However, Miss Carolina
Wilhelmina Amelia Skeggs has my warm heart. But yet, when they came to
talk of places in town, you saw at once how I nailed them. Tell me, my
dear, don't you think I did for my children there? " "Ay," returned I,
not knowing well what to think of the matter; "Heaven grant they may be
both the better for it this day three months! " This was one of those
observations I usually made to impress my wife with an opinion of my
sagacity; for if the girls succeeded, then it was a pious wish
fulfilled; but if anything unfortunate ensued, then it might be looked
upon as a prophecy. All this conversation, however, was only preparatory
to another scheme, and indeed I dreaded as much. This was nothing less
than that, as we were now to hold up our heads a little higher in the
world, it would be proper to sell the colt, which was grown old, at a
neighbouring fair, and buy us a horse that would carry single or double
upon an occasion, and make a pretty appearance at church or upon a
visit. This at first I opposed stoutly, but it was as stoutly defended.
However, as I weakened, my antagonists gained strength, till at last it
was resolved to part with him.

As the fair happened on the following day, I had intentions of going
myself; but my wife persuaded me that I had got a cold, and nothing
could prevail upon her to permit me from home. "No, my dear," said she,
"our son Moses is a discreet boy, and can buy and sell to very good
advantage; you know all our great bargains are of his purchasing. He
always stands out and higgles, and actually tires them till he gets a
bargain. "

As I had some opinion of my son's prudence, I was willing enough to
entrust him with this commission; and the next morning I perceived his
sisters mighty busy in fitting out Moses for the fair; trimming his
hair, brushing his buckles, and cocking his hat with pins. The business
of the toilet being over, we had at last the satisfaction of seeing him
mounted upon the colt, with a deal box before him to bring home
groceries in. He had on a coat made of that cloth called
thunder-and-lightning, which, though grown too short, was much too good
to be thrown away. His waistcoat was of gosling green, and his sisters
had tied his hair with a broad black riband. We all followed him several
paces from the door, bawling after him, "Good luck! good luck! " till we
could see him no longer.

He was scarcely gone, when Mr. Thornhill's butler came to congratulate
us upon our good fortune, saying that he overheard his young master
mention our names with great commendation.

Good fortune seemed resolved not to come alone. Another footman from the
same family followed, with a card for my daughters, importing that the
two ladies had received such pleasing accounts from Mr. Thornhill of us
all, that after a few previous inquiries they hoped to be perfectly
satisfied. "Ay," cried my wife, "I now see it is no easy matter to get
into the families of the great, but when one once gets in, then, as
Moses says, one may go to sleep. " To this piece of humour, for she
intended it for wit, my daughters assented with a loud laugh of
pleasure. In short, such was her satisfaction at this message, that she
actually put her hand in her pocket, and gave the messenger
sevenpence-halfpenny.

This was to be our visiting day. The next that came was Mr. Burchell,
who had been at the fair. He brought my little ones a pennyworth of
gingerbread each, which my wife undertook to keep for them, and give
them by letters at a time. He brought my daughters also a couple of
boxes, in which they might keep wafers, snuff, patches, or even money,
when they got it. My wife was usually fond of a weasel-skin purse, as
being the most lucky; but this by the bye. We had still a regard for Mr.
Burchell, though his late rude behaviour was in some measure
displeasing; nor could we now avoid communicating our happiness to him,
and asking his advice: although we seldom followed advice, we were all
ready enough to ask it. When he read the note from the two ladies he
shook his head, and observed that an affair of this sort demanded the
utmost circumspection. This air of diffidence highly displeased my wife.
"I never doubted, sir," cried she, "your readiness to be against my
daughters and me. You have more circumspection than is wanted. However,
I fancy when we come to ask advice, we shall apply to persons who seem
to have made use of it themselves. " "Whatever my conduct may have been,
madam," replied he, "is not the present question; though, as I have made
no use of advice myself, I should in conscience give it to those that
will. " As I was apprehensive this answer might draw on a repartee,
making up by abuse what it wanted in wit, I changed the subject, by
seeming to wonder what could keep our son so long at the fair, as it was
now almost nightfall. "Never mind our son," cried my wife; "depend upon
it he knows what he is about; I'll warrant we'll never see him sell his
hen on a rainy day. I have seen him buy such bargains as would amaze
one. I'll tell you a good story about that, that will make you split
your sides with laughing. But, as I live, yonder comes Moses, without a
horse, and the box at his back. "

[Illustration:

"_You need be under no uneasiness," cried I,
"about selling the rims, for they are not worth
sixpence, for I perceive they are only
copper varnished over. _"—_p. _ 50.
]

As she spoke, Moses came slowly on foot, and sweating under the deal
box, which he had strapped round his shoulders like a pedlar. "Welcome!
welcome, Moses! Well, my boy, what have you brought us from the fair? "
"I have brought you myself," cried Moses, with a sly look, and resting
the box on the dresser. "Ay, Moses," cried my wife, "that we know, but
where is the horse? " "I have sold him," cried Moses, "for three pounds
five shillings and twopence. " "Well done! my good boy," returned she; "I
knew you would touch them off. Between ourselves, three pounds five
shillings and twopence is no bad day's work. Come, let us have it then. "
"I have brought back no money," cried Moses again, "I have laid it all
out in a bargain, and here it is," pulling out a bundle from his breast;
"here they are: a gross of green spectacles, with silver rims and
shagreen cases. " "A gross of green spectacles! " repeated my wife, in a
faint voice. "And you have parted with the colt, and brought us back
nothing but a gross of green paltry spectacles! " "Dear mother," cried
the boy, "why won't you listen to reason? I had them a dead bargain, or
I should not have bought them. The silver rims alone will sell for
double the money. " "A fig for the silver rims! " cried my wife in a
passion: "I dare swear they won't sell for above half the money at the
rate of broken silver, five shillings an ounce. " "You need be under no
uneasiness," cried I, "about selling the rims, for they are not worth
sixpence, for I perceive they are only copper varnished over. " "What! "
cried my wife, "not silver! the rims not silver! " "No," cried I, "no
more silver than your saucepan. "And so," returned she, "we have parted
with the colt, and have only got a gross of green spectacles, with
copper rims and shagreen cases! A murrain take such trumpery! The
blockhead has been imposed upon, and should have known his company
better! " "There, my dear," cried I, "you are wrong; he should not have
known them at all. " "Marry, hang the idiot! " returned she, "to bring me
such stuff; if I had them I would throw them in the fire. " "There again
you are wrong, my dear," cried I, "for though they be copper, we will
keep them by us, as copper spectacles, you know, are better than
nothing. "

By this time the unfortunate Moses was undeceived. He now saw that he
had indeed been imposed upon by a prowling sharper, who, observing his
figure, had marked him for an easy prey. I therefore asked him the
circumstances of his deception. He sold the horse, it seems, and walked
the fair in search of another. A reverend-looking man brought him to a
tent, under pretence of having one to sell. "Here," continued Moses, "we
met another man, very well dressed, who desired to borrow twenty pounds
upon these, saying that he wanted money, and would dispose of them for a
third of their value. The first gentleman, who pretended to be my
friend, whispered me to buy them, and cautioned me not to let so good an
offer pass. I sent for Mr. Flamborough, and they talked him up as finely
as they did me; and so at last we were persuaded to buy the two gross
between us. "




_CHAPTER XIII. _

_Mr. Burchell is found to be an enemy; for he has the confidence to give
disagreeable advice. _


Our family had now made several attempts to be fine; but some unforeseen
disaster demolished each as soon as projected. I endeavoured to take the
advantage of every disappointment to improve their good sense, in
proportion as they were frustrated in ambition. "You see, my children,"
cried I, "how little is to be got by attempts to impose upon the world,
in coping with our betters. Such as are poor, and will associate with
none but the rich, are hated by those they avoid, and despised by those
they follow. Unequal combinations are always disadvantageous to the
weaker side; the rich having the pleasure, the poor the inconveniences,
that result from them. But come, Dick, my boy, repeat the fable you were
reading to-day, for the good of the company. "

"Once upon a time," cried the child, "a giant and a dwarf were friends,
and kept together. They made a bargain that they never would forsake
each other, but go seek adventures. The first battle they fought was
with two Saracens; and the dwarf, who was very courageous, dealt one of
the champions a most angry blow. It did the Saracen but very little
injury, who, lifting up his sword, fairly struck off the poor dwarf's
arm. He was now in a woful plight; but the giant, coming to his
assistance, in a short time left the two Saracens dead on the plain, and
the dwarf cut off the dead man's head out of spite. They then travelled
on to another adventure. This was against three bloody-minded satyrs,
who were carrying away a damsel in distress. The dwarf was not quite so
fierce now as before, but for all that struck the first blow, which was
returned by another that knocked out his eye; but the giant was soon up
with them, and, had they not fled, would certainly have killed them
every one. They were all very joyful for this victory, and the damsel
who was relieved fell in love with the giant, and married him. They now
travelled far, and farther than I can tell, till they met with a company
of robbers. The giant, for the first time, was foremost now; but the
dwarf was not far behind. The battle was stout and long. Wherever the
giant came all fell before him; but the dwarf had like to have been
killed more than once. At last the victory declared for the two
adventurers; but the dwarf lost his leg. The dwarf had now lost an arm,
a leg, and an eye, while the giant was without a single wound. Upon
which he cried out to his little companion, 'My little hero, this is
glorious sport; let us get one victory more, and then we shall have
honour for ever. ' 'No,' cries the dwarf, who by this time was grown
wiser, 'no; I declare off; I'll fight no more, for I find, in every
battle, that you get all the honour and rewards, but all the blows fall
upon me. '"

I was going to moralise upon this fable, when our attention was called
off to a warm dispute between my wife and Mr. Burchell, upon my
daughters' intended expedition to town. My wife very strenuously
insisted upon the advantages that would result from it. Mr. Burchell, on
the contrary, dissuaded her with great ardour, and I stood neuter. His
present dissuasions seemed but the second part of those which were
received with so ill a grace in the morning. The dispute grew high,
while poor Deborah, instead of reasoning stronger, talked louder, and
was at last obliged to take shelter from a defeat in clamour. The
conclusion of her harangue, however, was highly displeasing to us all:
she knew, she said, of some who had their secret reasons for what they
advised; but for her part, she wished such to stay away from her house
for the future.

[Illustration:

_"No," cries the dwarf, who by this time was grown wiser,
"no; I declare off; I'll fight no more. "_—_p. _ 52.
]


"Madam," cried Burchell, with looks of great composure, which tended to
inflame her the more, "as for secret reasons, you are right; I have
secret reasons which I forbear to mention, because you are not able to
answer those of which I make no secret. But I find my visits here are
become troublesome; I'll take my leave therefore now, and perhaps come
once more to take a final farewell when I am quitting the country. " Thus
saying, he took up his hat; nor could the attempts of Sophia, whose
looks seemed to upbraid his precipitancy, prevent his going.

When gone, we all regarded each other for some minutes with confusion.
My wife, who knew herself to be the cause, strove to hide her concern
with a forced smile and an air of assurance, which I was willing to
reprove. "How, woman! " cried I to her, "is it thus we treat strangers?
Is it thus we return their kindness? Be assured, my dear, that these
were the harshest words, and to me the most unpleasing, that ever
escaped your lips! " "Why would he provoke me then? " replied she; "but I
know the motives of his advice perfectly well. He would prevent my girls
going to town, that he may have the pleasure of my youngest daughter's
company here at home. But whatever happens, she shall choose better
company than such low-lived fellows as he. " "Low-lived, my dear, do you
call him? " cried I; "it is very possible we may mistake this man's
character; for he seems, upon some occasions, the most finished
gentleman I ever knew. Tell me, Sophia, my girl, has he ever given you
any secret instances of his attachment? " "His conversation with me,
sir," replied my daughter, "has ever been sensible, modest, and
pleasing. As to aught else, no; never. Once indeed I remember to have
heard him say, he never knew a woman who could find merit in a man that
seemed poor. " "Such, my dear," cried I, "is the common cant of all the
unfortunate or idle. But I hope you have been taught to judge properly
of such men, and that it would be even madness to expect happiness from
one who has been so very bad an economist of his own. Your mother and I
have now better prospects for you. The next winter, which you will
probably spend in town, will give you opportunities of making a more
prudent choice. "

What Sophia's reflections were upon this occasion I cannot pretend to
determine; but I was not displeased at the bottom that we were rid of a
guest from whom I had much to fear. Our breach of hospitality went to my
conscience a little; but I quickly silenced that monitor by two or three
specious reasons, which served to satisfy and reconcile me to myself.
The pain which conscience gives the man who has already done wrong is
soon got over. Conscience is a coward, and those faults it has not
strength enough to prevent, it seldom has justice enough to accuse.




_CHAPTER XIV. _

_Fresh mortifications, or a demonstration
that seeming calamities may be real blessings. _


The journey of my daughters to town was now resolved upon, Mr. Thornhill
having kindly promised to inspect their conduct himself, and inform us
by letter of their behaviour. But it was thought indispensably necessary
that their appearance should equal the greatness of their expectations,
which could not be done without expense. We debated, therefore, in full
council, what were the easiest methods of raising money; or, more
properly speaking, what we could most conveniently sell. The
deliberation was soon finished. It was found that our remaining horse
was utterly useless for the plough without his companion, and equally
unfit for the road, as wanting an eye: it was therefore determined that
we should dispose of him, for the purpose above mentioned, at the
neighbouring fair; and, to prevent imposition, that I should go with him
myself. Though this was one of the first mercantile transactions of my
life, yet I had no doubt of acquitting myself with reputation. The
opinion a man forms of his own prudence is measured by that of the
company he keeps, and as mine was mostly in the family way, I had
conceived no unfavourable sentiments of my worldly wisdom. My wife,
however, next morning at parting, after I had got some paces from the
door, called me back, to advise me, in a whisper, to have all my eyes
about me.

I had, in the usual forms, when I came to the fair, put my horse through
all his paces, but for some time had no bidders. At last a chapman
approached, and, after he had for a good while examined the horse round,
finding him blind of one eye, he would have nothing to say to him; a
second came up, but observing he had a spavin, declared he would not
have him for the driving home; a third perceived he had a windgall, and
would bid no money; a fourth knew by his eye that he had the bots; a
fifth wondered what the plague I could do at the fair with a blind,
spavined, galled hack, that was only fit to be cut up for a dog-kennel.
By this time I began to have a most hearty contempt for the poor animal
myself, and was almost ashamed at the approach of every customer; for
though I did not entirely believe all the fellows told me, yet I
reflected that the number of witnesses was a strong presumption that
they were right; and St.
Gregory, upon good works, professes himself to
be of the same opinion.

I was in this mortifying situation, when a brother clergyman, an old
acquaintance, who had also business at the fair, came up, and shaking me
by the hand, proposed adjourning to a public-house, and taking a glass
of whatever we could get. I readily closed with the offer, and entering
an alehouse, we were shown into a little back room, where there was only
a venerable old man, who sat wholly intent over a very large book which
he was reading. I never in my life saw a figure that prepossessed me
more favourably. His locks of silver grey venerably shaded his temples,
and his green old age seemed to be the result of health and benevolence.
However, his presence did not interrupt our conversation: my friend and
I discoursed on the various turns of fortune we had met; the Whistonian
controversy, my last pamphlet, the archdeacon's reply, and the hard
measure that was dealt me. But our attention was in a short time taken
off by the appearance of a youth, who, entering the room, respectfully
said something softly to the old stranger. "Make no apologies, my
child," said the old man: "to do good is a duty we owe to all our
fellow-creatures: take this. I wish it were more; but five pounds will
relieve your distress, and you are welcome. " The modest youth shed tears
of gratitude, and yet his gratitude was scarcely equal to mine. I could
have hugged the good old man in my arms, his benevolence pleased me so.
He continued to read, and we resumed our conversation, until my
companion, after some time, recollecting that he had business to
transact in the fair, promised to be soon back; adding that he always
desired to have as much of Dr. Primrose's company as possible. The old
gentleman, hearing my name mentioned, seemed to look at me with
attention for some time, and when my friend was gone, most respectfully
demanded if I was any way related to the great Primrose, that courageous
monogamist, who had been the bulwark of the Church. Never did my heart
feel sincerer rapture than at that moment. "Sir," cried I, "the applause
of so good a man as I am sure you are adds to that happiness in my
breast which your benevolence has already excited. You behold before
you, sir, that Dr. Primrose, the monogamist, whom you have been pleased
to call great. You here see that unfortunate divine, who has so long,
and it would ill become me to say successfully, fought against the
deuterogamy of the age. " "Sir," cried the stranger, struck with awe, "I
fear I have been too familiar; but you'll forgive my curiosity, sir; I
beg pardon. "

[Illustration:

"_But, sir, I ask pardon, I am straying
from the question. _"—_p. _ 58.
]

"Sir," cried I, grasping his hand, "you are so far from displeasing me
by your familiarity, that I must beg you'll accept my friendship, as you
already have my esteem. " "Then with gratitude I accept the offer," cried
he, squeezing me by the hand, "thou glorious pillar of unshaken
orthodoxy. And do I behold—" I here interrupted what he was going to
say; for though, as an author, I could digest no small share of
flattery, yet now my modesty would permit no more. However, no lovers in
romance ever cemented a more instantaneous friendship. We talked upon
several subjects. At first I thought him rather devout than learned, and
began to think he despised all human doctrines as dross. Yet this no way
lessened him in my esteem; for I had for some time begun privately to
harbour such an opinion myself. I therefore took occasion to observe,
that the world in general began to be blamably indifferent as to
doctrinal matters, and followed human speculations too much. "Ay, sir,"
replied he, as if he had reserved all his learning to that moment, "ay,
sir, the world is in its dotage; and yet the cosmogony or creation of
the world has puzzled philosophers of all ages. What a medley of
opinions have they not broached upon the creation of the world!
Sanchoniathon, Manetho, Berosus, and Ocellus Lucanus, have all attempted
it in vain. The latter has these words, _Anarchon ara kai atelutaion to
pan_, which imply that all things have neither beginning nor end.
Manetho also, who lived about the time of Nebuchadon-Asser,—Asser being
a Syriac word usually applied as a surname to the kings of that country,
as Teglet Phael-Asser; Nabon-Asser,—he, I say, formed a conjecture
equally absurd; for as we usually say, _ek to biblion kubernetes_, which
implies that books will never teach the world, so he attempted to
investigate——But, sir, I ask pardon, I am straying from the question. "

That he actually was; nor could I for my life see how the creation of
the world had anything to do with the business I was talking of; but it
was sufficient to show me that he was a man of letters, and I now
reverenced him the more. I was resolved therefore to bring him to the
touchstone; but he was too gentle to contend for victory. Whenever I
made any observation that looked like a challenge to controversy, he
would smile, shake his head, and say nothing; by which I understood he
could say much if he thought proper. The subject, therefore, insensibly
changed from the business of antiquity to that which brought us both to
the fair: mine, I told him, was to sell a horse; and, very luckily
indeed, his was to buy one for one of his tenants. My horse was soon
produced, and in fine we struck a bargain. Nothing now remained but to
pay me, and he accordingly pulled out a thirty-pound note, and bade me
change it. Not being in a capacity of complying with his demand, he
ordered his footman to be called up, who made his appearance in a very
genteel livery. "Here, Abraham," cried he, "go and get gold for this;
you'll do it at neighbour Jackson's, or anywhere. " While the fellow was
gone, he entertained me with a pathetic harangue on the great scarcity
of silver, which I undertook to improve by deploring also the great
scarcity of gold; so that, by the time Abraham returned, we had both
agreed that money was never so hard to be come at as now. Abraham
returned to inform us, that he had been over the whole fair and could
not get change, though he had offered half-a-crown for doing it. This
was a very great disappointment to us all; but the old gentlemen having
paused a little, asked me if I knew one Solomon Flamborough in my part
of the country; upon replying that he was my next-door neighbour, "If
that be the case then," returned he, "I believe we shall deal. You shall
have a draft upon him, payable at sight; and let me tell you, he is as
warm a man as any within five miles round him. Honest Solomon and I have
been acquainted for many years together. I remember I always beat him at
three jumps; but he could hop upon one leg further than I. " A draft upon
my neighbour was to me the same as money; I was sufficiently convinced
of his ability. The draft was signed and put into my hands, and Mr.
Jenkinson, the old gentleman, his man Abraham, and my horse, old
Blackberry, trotted off very well pleased with each other.

After a short interval, being left to reflection, I began to recollect
that I had done wrong in taking a draft from a stranger, and so
prudently resolved upon following the purchaser, and having back my
horse. But this was now too late; I therefore made directly homewards,
resolving to get the draft changed into money at my friend's as fast as
possible. I found my honest neighbour smoking his pipe at his own door;
and informing him that I had a small bill upon him, he read it twice
over. "You can read the name, I suppose," cried I—"Ephraim Jenkinson. "
"Yes," returned he, "the name is written plain enough, and I know the
gentleman too, the greatest rascal under the canopy of heaven. This is
the very same rogue who sold us the spectacles. Was he not a
venerable-looking man, with grey hair, and no flaps to his pocket-holes?
and did he not talk a long string of learning about Greek, cosmogony,
and the world? " To this I replied with a groan. "Ay," continued he, "he
has but that one piece of learning in the world, and he always talks it
away whenever he finds a scholar in company: but I know the rogue, and
will catch him yet. "

Though I was already sufficiently mortified, my greatest struggle was to
come, in facing my wife and daughters. No truant was ever more afraid of
returning to school, there to behold the master's visage, than I was of
going home. I was determined, however, to anticipate their fury, by
first falling into a passion myself.

But, alas! upon entering, I found the family no way disposed for battle.
My wife and girls were all in tears, Mr. Thornhill having been there
that day to inform them that their journey to town was entirely over.
The two ladies, having heard reports of us from some malicious person
about us, were that day set out for London. He could neither discover
the tendency nor the author of these; but, whatever they might be, or
whoever might have broached them, he continued to assure our family of
his friendship and protection. I found, therefore, that they bore my
disappointment with great resignation, as it was eclipsed in the
greatness of their own. But what perplexed us most, was to think who
could be so base as to asperse the character of a family so harmless as
ours—too humble to excite envy, and too inoffensive to create disgust.




_CHAPTER XV. _

_All Mr. Burchell's villany at once detected. —
The folly of being over-wise. _


That evening, and part of the following day, was employed in fruitless
attempts to discover our enemies: scarcely a family in the neighbourhood
but incurred our suspicions, and each of us had reasons for our opinion
best known to ourselves. As we were in this perplexity, one of our
little boys, who had been playing abroad, brought in a letter-case which
he found on the green. It was quickly known to belong to Mr. Burchell,
with whom it had been seen; and, upon examination, contained some hints
upon different subjects; but what particularly engaged our attention was
a sealed note, superscribed, "The copy of a letter to be sent to the two
ladies at Thornhill Castle. " It instantly occurred that he was the base
informer: and we deliberated whether the note should not be broken open.
I was against it; but Sophia, who said she was sure that of all men he
would be the last to be guilty of so much baseness, insisted upon its
being read. In this she was seconded by the rest of the family; and at
their joint solicitation, I read as follows:—

[Illustration:

"_So saying, I threw him his pocket-book,
which he took up with a smile. _"—_p. _ 64.
]


"LADIES,

"The bearer will sufficiently satisfy you as to the person from whom
this comes: one at least the friend of innocence, and ready to prevent
its being seduced. I am informed for a truth, that you have some
intention of bringing two young ladies to town, whom I have some
knowledge of, under the character of companions. As I would neither have
simplicity imposed upon nor virtue contaminated, I must offer it as my
opinion that the impropriety of such a step will be attended with
dangerous consequences. It has never been my way to treat the infamous
or the lewd with severity; nor should I now have taken this method of
explaining myself, or reproving folly, did it not aim at guilt. Take,
therefore, the admonition of a friend, and seriously reflect on the
consequences of introducing infamy and vice into retreats where peace
and innocence have hitherto resided. "

Our doubts were now at an end. There seemed indeed something applicable
to both sides in this letter, and its censures might as well be referred
to those to whom it was written as to us; but the malicious meaning was
obvious, and we went no farther. My wife had scarcely patience to hear
me to the end, but railed at the writer with unrestrained resentment.
Olivia was equally severe, and Sophia seemed perfectly amazed at his
baseness. As for my part, it appeared to me one of the vilest instances
of unprovoked ingratitude I had ever met with. Nor could I account for
it in any other manner than by imputing it to his desire of detaining my
youngest daughter in the country, to have the more frequent
opportunities of an interview. In this manner we all sat ruminating upon
schemes of vengeance, when our other little boy came running in to tell
us that Mr. Burchell was approaching at the other end of the field. It
is easier to conceive than describe the complicated sensations which are
felt from the pain of a recent injury, and the pleasure of approaching
vengeance. Though our intentions were only to upbraid him with his
ingratitude, yet it was resolved to do it in a manner that would be
perfectly cutting. For this purpose we agreed to meet him with our usual
smiles, to chat in the beginning with more than ordinary kindness, to
amuse him a little; and then, in the midst of the flattering calms to
burst upon him like an earthquake, and overwhelm him with the sense of
his own baseness. This being resolved upon, my wife undertook to manage
the business herself, as she really had some talents for such an
undertaking. We saw him approach; he entered, drew a chair, and sat
down. "A fine day, Mr. Burchell. " "A very fine day, doctor; though I
fancy we shall have some rain, by the shooting of my corns. " "The
shooting of your horns! " cried my wife, in a loud fit of laughter, and
then asked pardon for being fond of a joke. "Dear madam," replied he, "I
pardon you with all my heart; for I protest I should not have thought it
a joke had you not told me. " "Perhaps not, sir," cried my wife, winking
at us: "and yet I dare say you can tell us how many jokes go to an
ounce. " "I fancy, madam," returned Burchell, "you have been reading a
jest-book this morning, that ounce of jokes is so very good a conceit;
and yet, madam, I had rather see half an ounce of understanding. " "I
believe you might," cried my wife, still smiling at us, though the laugh
was against her; "and yet I have seen some men pretend to understanding
that have very little. " "And no doubt," replied her antagonist, "you
have known ladies set up for wit that had none. " I quickly began to find
that my wife was likely to gain but little at this business; so I
resolved to treat him in a style of more severity myself. "Both wit and
understanding," cried I, "are trifles without integrity; it is that
which gives value to every character. The ignorant peasant without
fault, is greater than the philosopher with many; for what is genius or
courage without a heart?

'An honest man's the noblest work of God. '"

"I always held that hackneyed maxim of Pope's," returned Mr. Burchell,
"as very unworthy of a man of genius, and a base desertion of his own
superiority. As the reputation of books is raised, not by their freedom
from defect, but the greatness of their beauties; so should that of men
be prized, not for their exemption from fault, but the size of those
virtues they are possessed of. The scholar may want prudence; the
statesman may have pride, and the champion ferocity; but shall we prefer
to these the low mechanic, who laboriously plods on through life without
censure or applause? We might as well prefer the tame, correct paintings
of the Flemish school to the erroneous, but sublime animations of the
Roman pencil. "

"Sir," replied I, "your present observation is just, when there are
shining virtues and minute defects; but when it appears that great vices
are opposed in the same mind to as extraordinary virtues, such a
character deserves contempt. "

"Perhaps," cried he, "there may be some such monsters as you describe,
of great vices joined to great virtues; yet, in my progress through
life, I never yet found one instance of their existence; on the
contrary, I have ever perceived that where the mind was capacious the
affections were good. And indeed Providence seems kindly our friend in
this particular, thus to debilitate the understanding where the heart is
corrupt, and diminish the power where there is the will to do mischief.
This rule seems to extend even to other animals: the little vermin race
are ever treacherous, cruel, and cowardly; whilst those endowed with
strength and power are generous, brave, and gentle. "

"These observations sound well," returned I, "and yet it would be easy
this moment to point out a man," and I fixed my eye steadfastly upon
him, "whose head and heart form a most detestable contrast. Ay, sir,"
continued I, raising my voice, "and I am glad to have this opportunity
of detecting him in the midst of his fancied security. Do you know this,
sir—this pocket-book? " "Yes, sir," returned he, with a face of
impenetrable assurance; "that pocket-book is mine, and I am glad you
have found it. " "And do you know," cried I, "this letter? Nay, never
falter, man; but look me full in the face. I say, do you know this
letter? " "That letter? " replied he; "yes, it was I that wrote that
letter. " "And how could you," said I, "so basely, so ungratefully,
presume to write this letter? " "And how came you," replied he, with
looks of unparalleled effrontery, "so basely to presume to break open
this letter? Don't you know, now, I could hang you all for this? All
that I have to do is to swear at the next justice's that you have been
guilty of breaking open the lock of my pocket-book, and so hang you all
up at this door. " This piece of unexpected insolence raised me to such a
pitch, that I could scarcely govern my passion. "Ungrateful wretch!
begone, and no longer pollute my dwelling with thy baseness. Begone! and
never let me see thee again: go from my door! and the only punishment I
wish thee is an alarmed conscience, which will be a sufficient
tormentor! " So saying, I threw him his pocket-book, which he took up
with a smile, and shutting the clasps with the utmost composure, left us
quite astonished at the serenity of his assurance. My wife was
particularly enraged that nothing could make him angry, or make him seem
ashamed of his villanies. "My dear," cried I, willing to calm those
passions that had been raised too high among us, "we are not to be
surprised that bad men want shame; they only blush at being detected in
doing good, but glory in their vices.

"Guilt and Shame (says the allegory) were at first companions, and in
the beginning of their journey inseparably kept together. But their
union was soon found to be disagreeable and inconvenient to both: Guilt
gave Shame frequent uneasiness, and Shame often betrayed the secret
conspiracies of Guilt. After long disagreement, therefore, they at
length consented to part for ever. Guilt boldly walked forward alone, to
overtake Fate, that went before in the shape of an executioner; but
Shame, being naturally timorous, returned back to keep company with
Virtue, which in the beginning of their journey they had left behind.
Thus, my children, after men have travelled through a few stages in
vice, shame forsakes them, and returns back to wait upon the few virtues
they have still remaining. "

[Illustration: _p. _ 67. ]




_CHAPTER XVI. _

_The family use art, which is opposed by still greater. _


Whatever might have been Sophia's sensations, the rest of the family
were easily consoled for Mr. Burchell's absence by the company of our
landlord, whose visits now became more frequent and longer. Though he
had been disappointed in procuring my daughters the amusements of the
town, as he designed, he took every opportunity of supplying them with
those little recreations which our retirement would admit of. He usually
came in the morning, and while my son and I followed our occupations
abroad, he sat with the family at home, and amused them by describing
the town, with every part of which he was particularly acquainted. He
could repeat all the observations that were retailed in the atmosphere
of the play-houses, and had all the good things of the high wits by
rote, long before they made their way into the jest-books. The intervals
between conversation were employed in teaching my daughters piquet; or,
sometimes, in setting my two little ones to box, to make them _sharp_,
as he called it: but the hopes of having him for a son-in-law in some
measure blinded us to all his imperfections. It must be owned, that my
wife laid a thousand schemes to entrap him; or, to speak it more
tenderly, used every art to magnify the merit of her daughter. If the
cakes at tea ate short and crisp, they were made by Olivia; if the
gooseberry-wine was well knit, the gooseberries were of her gathering:
it was her fingers which gave the pickles their peculiar green; and in
the composition of a pudding it was her judgment that mixed the
ingredients. Then the poor woman would sometimes tell the squire, that
she thought him and Olivia extremely of a size, and would bid both stand
up to see which was the tallest. These instances of cunning, which she
thought impenetrable, yet which everybody saw through, were very
pleasing to our benefactor, who gave every day some new proofs of his
passion, which, though they had not arisen to proposals of marriage,
yet, we thought, fell but little short of it; and his slowness was
sometimes attributed to native bashfulness, and sometimes to his fear of
offending his uncle. An occurrence, however, which happened soon after,
put it beyond a doubt that he designed to become one of our family; my
wife even regarded it as an absolute promise.

My wife and daughters, happening to return a visit at neighbour
Flamborough's, found that family had lately got their pictures drawn by
a limner who travelled the country, and took likenesses for fifteen
shillings a head. As this family and ours had long a sort of rivalry in
point of taste, our spirit took the alarm at this stolen march upon us,
and, notwithstanding all I could say, and I said much, it was resolved
that we should have our pictures done too. Having, therefore, engaged
the limner (for what could I do? ), our next deliberation was to show the
superiority of our taste in the attitudes. As for our neighbour's
family, there were seven of them, and they were drawn with seven
oranges: a thing quite out of taste—no variety in life—no composition in
the world. We desired to have something in a brighter style, and, after
many debates, at length came to an unanimous resolution of being drawn
together in one large historical family-piece. This would be cheaper,
since one frame would serve for all, and it would be infinitely more
genteel; for all families of any taste were now drawn in the same
manner. As we did not immediately recollect an historical subject to hit
us, we were contented each with being drawn as independent historical
figures. My wife desired to be represented as Venus, and the painter was
requested not to be too frugal of his diamonds in her stomacher and
hair. Her two little ones were to be as Cupids by her side; while I, in
my gown and band, was to present her with my books on the Whistonian
controversy. Olivia would be drawn as an Amazon, sitting upon a bank of
flowers, dressed in a green joseph, richly laced with gold, and a whip
in her hand. Sophia was to be a shepherdess, with as many sheep as the
painter could put in for nothing; and Moses was to be dressed out with a
hat and white feather.

Our taste so much pleased the squire that he insisted on being put in as
one of the family, in the character of Alexander the Great, at Olivia's
feet. This was considered by us all as an indication of his desire to be
introduced into the family; nor could we refuse his request. The painter
was therefore set to work, and, as he wrought with assiduity and
expedition, in less than four days the whole was completed. The piece
was large, and it must be owned he did not spare his colours; for which
my wife gave him great encomiums. We were all perfectly satisfied with
his performance; but an unfortunate circumstance, which had not occurred
till the picture was finished, now struck us with dismay. It was so very
large that we had no place in the house to fix it. How we all came to
disregard so material a point is inconceivable; but certain it is, we
had all been greatly remiss. This picture, therefore, instead of
gratifying our vanity, as we hoped, leaned in a most mortifying manner
against the kitchen wall, where the canvas was stretched and painted,
much too large to be got through any of the doors, and the jest of all
our neighbours. One compared it to Robinson Crusoe's longboat, too large
to be removed; another thought it more resembled a reel in a bottle;
some wondered how it could be got out, but still more were amazed how it
ever got in.

But though it excited the ridicule of some, it effectually raised more
malicious suggestions in many. The squire's portrait being found united
with ours was an honour too great to escape envy. Scandalous whispers
began to circulate at our expense, and our tranquillity was continually
disturbed by persons who came as friends to tell us what was said of us
by enemies. These reports were always resented with becoming spirit; but
scandal ever improves by opposition.

We once again, therefore, entered into consultation upon obviating the
malice of our enemies, and at last came to a resolution which had too
much cunning to give me entire satisfaction. It was this: as our
principal object was to discover the honour of Mr. Thornhill's
addresses, my wife undertook to sound him, by pretending to ask his
advice in the choice of a husband for her eldest daughter. If this was
not found sufficient to induce him to a declaration, it was then
resolved to terrify him with a rival. To this last step, however, I
would by no means give my consent, till Olivia gave me the most solemn
assurances that she would marry the person provided to rival him upon
this occasion, if he did not prevent it by taking her himself. Such was
the scheme laid, which, though I did not strenuously oppose, I did not
entirely approve.