No More Learning

Here are
pistols. I have come to discharge my pistol and . . . and I . . . forgive
you. Then I shall fire into the air and he will hear nothing more of
me. . . . "

I was actually on the point of tears, though I knew perfectly well at
that moment that all this was out of Pushkin's SILVIO and Lermontov's
MASQUERADE. And all at once I felt horribly ashamed, so ashamed that I
stopped the horse, got out of the sledge, and stood still in the snow
in the middle of the street. The driver gazed at me, sighing and
astonished.

What was I to do? I could not go on there--it was evidently stupid,
and I could not leave things as they were, because that would seem as
though . . . Heavens, how could I leave things! And after such insults!
"No! " I cried, throwing myself into the sledge again. "It is ordained!
It is fate! Drive on, drive on! "

And in my impatience I punched the sledge-driver on the back of the
neck.

"What are you up to? What are you hitting me for? " the peasant
shouted, but he whipped up his nag so that it began kicking.

The wet snow was falling in big flakes; I unbuttoned myself, regardless
of it. I forgot everything else, for I had finally decided on the
slap, and felt with horror that it was going to happen NOW, AT ONCE,
and that NO FORCE COULD STOP IT. The deserted street lamps gleamed
sullenly in the snowy darkness like torches at a funeral. The snow
drifted under my great-coat, under my coat, under my cravat, and melted
there. I did not wrap myself up--all was lost, anyway.

At last we arrived. I jumped out, almost unconscious, ran up the steps
and began knocking and kicking at the door. I felt fearfully weak,
particularly in my legs and knees. The door was opened quickly as
though they knew I was coming. As a fact, Simonov had warned them that
perhaps another gentleman would arrive, and this was a place in which
one had to give notice and to observe certain precautions. It was one
of those "millinery establishments" which were abolished by the police
a good time ago. By day it really was a shop; but at night, if one had
an introduction, one might visit it for other purposes.

I walked rapidly through the dark shop into the familiar drawing-room,
where there was only one candle burning, and stood still in amazement:
there was no one there. "Where are they? " I asked somebody. But by
now, of course, they had separated. Before me was standing a person
with a stupid smile, the "madam" herself, who had seen me before. A
minute later a door opened and another person came in.

Taking no notice of anything I strode about the room, and, I believe, I
talked to myself. I felt as though I had been saved from death and was
conscious of this, joyfully, all over: I should have given that slap, I
should certainly, certainly have given it! But now they were not here
and . . . everything had vanished and changed! I looked round. I could
not realise my condition yet. I looked mechanically at the girl who
had come in: and had a glimpse of a fresh, young, rather pale face,
with straight, dark eyebrows, and with grave, as it were wondering,
eyes that attracted me at once; I should have hated her if she had been
smiling. I began looking at her more intently and, as it were, with
effort. I had not fully collected my thoughts. There was something
simple and good-natured in her face, but something strangely grave. I
am sure that this stood in her way here, and no one of those fools had
noticed her. She could not, however, have been called a beauty, though
she was tall, strong-looking, and well built. She was very simply
dressed. Something loathsome stirred within me. I went straight up to
her.

I chanced to look into the glass. My harassed face struck me as
revolting in the extreme, pale, angry, abject, with dishevelled hair.
"No matter, I am glad of it," I thought; "I am glad that I shall seem
repulsive to her; I like that. "



VI

. . . Somewhere behind a screen a clock began wheezing, as though
oppressed by something, as though someone were strangling it. After an
unnaturally prolonged wheezing there followed a shrill, nasty, and as
it were unexpectedly rapid, chime--as though someone were suddenly
jumping forward. It struck two. I woke up, though I had indeed not
been asleep but lying half-conscious.

It was almost completely dark in the narrow, cramped, low-pitched room,
cumbered up with an enormous wardrobe and piles of cardboard boxes and
all sorts of frippery and litter. The candle end that had been burning
on the table was going out and gave a faint flicker from time to time.
In a few minutes there would be complete darkness.

I was not long in coming to myself; everything came back to my mind at
once, without an effort, as though it had been in ambush to pounce upon
me again. And, indeed, even while I was unconscious a point seemed
continually to remain in my memory unforgotten, and round it my dreams
moved drearily. But strange to say, everything that had happened to me
in that day seemed to me now, on waking, to be in the far, far away
past, as though I had long, long ago lived all that down.

My head was full of fumes. Something seemed to be hovering over me,
rousing me, exciting me, and making me restless. Misery and spite
seemed surging up in me again and seeking an outlet. Suddenly I saw
beside me two wide open eyes scrutinising me curiously and
persistently. The look in those eyes was coldly detached, sullen, as it
were utterly remote; it weighed upon me.

A grim idea came into my brain and passed all over my body, as a
horrible sensation, such as one feels when one goes into a damp and
mouldy cellar. There was something unnatural in those two eyes,
beginning to look at me only now. I recalled, too, that during those
two hours I had not said a single word to this creature, and had, in
fact, considered it utterly superfluous; in fact, the silence had for
some reason gratified me. Now I suddenly realised vividly the hideous
idea--revolting as a spider--of vice, which, without love, grossly and
shamelessly begins with that in which true love finds its consummation.
For a long time we gazed at each other like that, but she did not drop
her eyes before mine and her expression did not change, so that at last
I felt uncomfortable.

"What is your name? " I asked abruptly, to put an end to it.

"Liza," she answered almost in a whisper, but somehow far from
graciously, and she turned her eyes away.

I was silent.

"What weather! The snow . . . it's disgusting! " I said, almost to
myself, putting my arm under my head despondently, and gazing at the
ceiling.

She made no answer. This was horrible.

"Have you always lived in Petersburg? " I asked a minute later, almost
angrily, turning my head slightly towards her.

"No. "

"Where do you come from? "

"From Riga," she answered reluctantly.

"Are you a German? "

"No, Russian. "

"Have you been here long? "

"Where? "

"In this house? "

"A fortnight. "

She spoke more and more jerkily. The candle went out; I could no
longer distinguish her face.

"Have you a father and mother? "

"Yes . . . no . . . I have. "

"Where are they? "

"There . . . in Riga. "

"What are they? "

"Oh, nothing. "

"Nothing? Why, what class are they? "

"Tradespeople. "

"Have you always lived with them? "

"Yes. "

"How old are you? "

"Twenty. "

"Why did you leave them? "

"Oh, for no reason. "

That answer meant "Let me alone; I feel sick, sad. "

We were silent.

God knows why I did not go away. I felt myself more and more sick and
dreary. The images of the previous day began of themselves, apart from
my will, flitting through my memory in confusion. I suddenly recalled
something I had seen that morning when, full of anxious thoughts, I was
hurrying to the office.

"I saw them carrying a coffin out yesterday and they nearly dropped
it," I suddenly said aloud, not that I desired to open the
conversation, but as it were by accident.

"A coffin? "

"Yes, in the Haymarket; they were bringing it up out of a cellar. "

"From a cellar? "

"Not from a cellar, but a basement. Oh, you know . . . down below . . .
from a house of ill-fame. It was filthy all round . . . Egg-shells,
litter . . . a stench. It was loathsome. "

Silence.

"A nasty day to be buried," I began, simply to avoid being silent.

"Nasty, in what way? "

"The snow, the wet. " (I yawned. )

"It makes no difference," she said suddenly, after a brief silence.

"No, it's horrid. " (I yawned again). "The gravediggers must have
sworn at getting drenched by the snow. And there must have been water
in the grave. "

"Why water in the grave? " she asked, with a sort of curiosity, but
speaking even more harshly and abruptly than before.

I suddenly began to feel provoked.

"Why, there must have been water at the bottom a foot deep. You can't
dig a dry grave in Volkovo Cemetery. "

"Why? "

"Why? Why, the place is waterlogged. It's a regular marsh. So they
bury them in water. I've seen it myself . . . many times. "

(I had never seen it once, indeed I had never been in Volkovo, and had
only heard stories of it. )

"Do you mean to say, you don't mind how you die? "

"But why should I die? " she answered, as though defending herself.

"Why, some day you will die, and you will die just the same as that
dead woman. She was . . . a girl like you. She died of consumption.
"

"A wench would have died in hospital . . . " (She knows all about it
already: she said "wench," not "girl. ")

"She was in debt to her madam," I retorted, more and more provoked by
the discussion; "and went on earning money for her up to the end,
though she was in consumption. Some sledge-drivers standing by were
talking about her to some soldiers and telling them so. No doubt they
knew her. They were laughing. They were going to meet in a pot-house
to drink to her memory. "

A great deal of this was my invention. Silence followed, profound
silence. She did not stir.

"And is it better to die in a hospital? "

"Isn't it just the same? Besides, why should I die? " she added
irritably.

"If not now, a little later. "

"Why a little later? "

"Why, indeed? Now you are young, pretty, fresh, you fetch a high
price. But after another year of this life you will be very
different--you will go off. "

"In a year? "

"Anyway, in a year you will be worth less," I continued malignantly.
"You will go from here to something lower, another house; a year
later--to a third, lower and lower, and in seven years you will come to
a basement in the Haymarket. That will be if you were lucky. But it
would be much worse if you got some disease, consumption, say . . . and
caught a chill, or something or other. It's not easy to get over an
illness in your way of life. If you catch anything you may not get rid
of it. And so you would die. "

"Oh, well, then I shall die," she answered, quite vindictively, and she
made a quick movement.

"But one is sorry. "

"Sorry for whom? "

"Sorry for life. " Silence.

"Have you been engaged to be married? Eh? "

"What's that to you? "

"Oh, I am not cross-examining you. It's nothing to me. Why are you so
cross? Of course you may have had your own troubles. What is it to
me? It's simply that I felt sorry. "

"Sorry for whom? "

"Sorry for you. "

"No need," she whispered hardly audibly, and again made a faint
movement.

That incensed me at once. What! I was so gentle with her, and she. . . .

"Why, do you think that you are on the right path? "

"I don't think anything. "

"That's what's wrong, that you don't think. Realise it while there is
still time. There still is time. You are still young, good-looking;
you might love, be married, be happy. . . . "

"Not all married women are happy," she snapped out in the rude abrupt
tone she had used at first.

"Not all, of course, but anyway it is much better than the life here.
Infinitely better. Besides, with love one can live even without
happiness. Even in sorrow life is sweet; life is sweet, however one
lives. But here what is there but . . . foulness? Phew! "

I turned away with disgust; I was no longer reasoning coldly. I began
to feel myself what I was saying and warmed to the subject. I was
already longing to expound the cherished ideas I had brooded over in my
corner. Something suddenly flared up in me. An object had appeared
before me.

"Never mind my being here, I am not an example for you. I am, perhaps,
worse than you are. I was drunk when I came here, though," I hastened,
however, to say in self-defence. "Besides, a man is no example for a
woman. It's a different thing. I may degrade and defile myself, but I
am not anyone's slave. I come and go, and that's an end of it. I
shake it off, and I am a different man. But you are a slave from the
start. Yes, a slave! You give up everything, your whole freedom. If
you want to break your chains afterwards, you won't be able to; you
will be more and more fast in the snares. It is an accursed bondage.
I know it. I won't speak of anything else, maybe you won't understand,
but tell me: no doubt you are in debt to your madam? There, you see,"
I added, though she made no answer, but only listened in silence,
entirely absorbed, "that's a bondage for you! You will never buy your
freedom. They will see to that. It's like selling your soul to the
devil. . . . And besides . . . perhaps, I too, am just as unlucky--how do
you know--and wallow in the mud on purpose, out of misery? You know,
men take to drink from grief; well, maybe I am here from grief. Come,
tell me, what is there good here? Here you and I . . . came together . . .
just now and did not say one word to one another all the time, and it
was only afterwards you began staring at me like a wild creature, and I
at you. Is that loving? Is that how one human being should meet
another? It's hideous, that's what it is! "

"Yes! " she assented sharply and hurriedly.

I was positively astounded by the promptitude of this "Yes. " So the
same thought may have been straying through her mind when she was
staring at me just before. So she, too, was capable of certain
thoughts? "Damn it all, this was interesting, this was a point of
likeness! " I thought, almost rubbing my hands. And indeed it's easy to
turn a young soul like that!

It was the exercise of my power that attracted me most.

She turned her head nearer to me, and it seemed to me in the darkness
that she propped herself on her arm. Perhaps she was scrutinising me.
How I regretted that I could not see her eyes. I heard her deep
breathing.

"Why have you come here? " I asked her, with a note of authority already
in my voice.

"Oh, I don't know. "

"But how nice it would be to be living in your father's house! It's
warm and free; you have a home of your own. "

"But what if it's worse than this? "

"I must take the right tone," flashed through my mind. "I may not get
far with sentimentality. " But it was only a momentary thought. I
swear she really did interest me. Besides, I was exhausted and moody.
And cunning so easily goes hand-in-hand with feeling.

"Who denies it! " I hastened to answer. "Anything may happen. I am
convinced that someone has wronged you, and that you are more sinned
against than sinning. Of course, I know nothing of your story, but
it's not likely a girl like you has come here of her own inclination. . . . "

"A girl like me? " she whispered, hardly audibly; but I heard it.

Damn it all, I was flattering her. That was horrid. But perhaps it
was a good thing. . . . She was silent.

"See, Liza, I will tell you about myself. If I had had a home from
childhood, I shouldn't be what I am now. I often think that. However
bad it may be at home, anyway they are your father and mother, and not
enemies, strangers. Once a year at least, they'll show their love of
you. Anyway, you know you are at home. I grew up without a home; and
perhaps that's why I've turned so . . . unfeeling. "

I waited again. "Perhaps she doesn't understand," I thought, "and,
indeed, it is absurd--it's moralising. "

"If I were a father and had a daughter, I believe I should love my
daughter more than my sons, really," I began indirectly, as though
talking of something else, to distract her attention. I must confess I
blushed.

"Why so? " she asked.

Ah! so she was listening!

"I don't know, Liza. I knew a father who was a stern, austere man, but
used to go down on his knees to his daughter, used to kiss her hands,
her feet, he couldn't make enough of her, really. When she danced at
parties he used to stand for five hours at a stretch, gazing at her.
He was mad over her: I understand that! She would fall asleep tired at
night, and he would wake to kiss her in her sleep and make the sign of
the cross over her. He would go about in a dirty old coat, he was
stingy to everyone else, but would spend his last penny for her, giving
her expensive presents, and it was his greatest delight when she was
pleased with what he gave her. Fathers always love their daughters more
than the mothers do. Some girls live happily at home! And I believe I
should never let my daughters marry. "

"What next? " she said, with a faint smile.

"I should be jealous, I really should. To think that she should kiss
anyone else! That she should love a stranger more than her father!
It's painful to imagine it. Of course, that's all nonsense, of course
every father would be reasonable at last. But I believe before I
should let her marry, I should worry myself to death; I should find
fault with all her suitors. But I should end by letting her marry whom
she herself loved. The one whom the daughter loves always seems the
worst to the father, you know. That is always so. So many family
troubles come from that. "

"Some are glad to sell their daughters, rather than marrying them
honourably. "

Ah, so that was it!

"Such a thing, Liza, happens in those accursed families in which there
is neither love nor God," I retorted warmly, "and where there is no
love, there is no sense either.