No More Learning

I must have my penny; it's only
right.

_Me_. Well, you had better take me back again to life.

_Ch_. Yes, and get a thrashing from Aeacus for my pains! I like that.

_Me_. Well, don't bother me.

_Ch_. Let me see what you have got in that wallet.

_Me_. Beans: have some? --and a Hecate's supper.

_Ch_. Where did you pick up this Cynic, Hermes? The noise he made on
the crossing, too! laughing and jeering at all the rest, and singing,
when every one else was at his lamentations.

_Her_. Ah, Charon, you little know your passenger! Independence, every
inch of him: he cares for no one. 'Tis Menippus.

_Ch_. Wait till I catch you---

_Me_. Precisely; I'll wait--till you catch me again.

F.




XXIII

_Protesilaus. Pluto. Persephone_


_Pro_. Lord, King, our Zeus! and thou, daughter of Demeter! Grant a
lover's boon!

_Pl_. What do you want? who are you?

_Pro_. Protesilaus, son of Iphiclus, of Phylace, one of the Achaean
host, the first that died at Troy. And the boon I ask is release and
one day's life.

_Pl_. Ah, friend, that is the love that all these dead men love, and
none shall ever win.

_Pro_. Nay, dread lord, 'tis not life I love, but the bride that I
left new wedded in my chamber that day I sailed away--ah me, to be
slain by Hector as my foot touched land! My lord, that yearning gives
me no peace. I return content, if she might look on me but for an
hour.

_Pl_. Did you miss your dose of Lethe, man?

_Pro_. Nay, lord; but this prevailed against it.

_Pl_. Oh, well, wait a little; she will come to you one day; it is so
simple; no need for you to be going up.

_Pro_. My heart is sick with hope deferred; thou too, O Pluto, hast
loved; thou knowest what love is.

_Pl_. What good will it do you to come to life for a day, and then
renew your pains?

_Pro_. I think to win her to come with me, and bring two dead for one.

_Pl_. It may not be; it never has been.

_Pro_. Bethink thee, Pluto. 'Twas for this same cause that ye gave
Orpheus his Eurydice; and Heracles had interest enough to be granted
Alcestis; she was of my kin.

_Pl_. Would you like to present that bare ugly skull to your fair
bride? will she admit you, when she cannot tell you from another man?
I know well enough; she will be frightened and run from you, and you
will have gone all that way for nothing.

_Per_. Husband, doctor that disease yourself: tell Hermes, as soon as
Protesilaus reaches the light, to touch him with his wand, and make
him young and fair as when he left the bridal chamber.

_Pl_. Well, I cannot refuse a lady. Hermes, take him up and turn him
into a bridegroom. But mind, you sir, a strictly temporary one.

H.




XXIV

_Diogenes. Mausolus_


_Diog_. Why so proud, Carian? How are you better than the rest of us?

_Man_. Sinopean, to begin with, I was a king; king of all Caria, ruler
of many Lydians, subduer of islands, conqueror of well-nigh the whole
of Ionia, even to the borders of Miletus. Further, I was comely, and
of noble stature, and a mighty warrior. Finally, a vast tomb lies over
me in Halicarnassus, of such dimensions, of such exquisite beauty as
no other shade can boast. Thereon are the perfect semblances of man
and horse, carved in the fairest marble; scarcely may a temple be
found to match it. These are the grounds of my pride: are they
inadequate?

_Diog_. Kingship--beauty--heavy tomb; is that it?

_Mau_. It is as you say.

_Diog_. But, my handsome Mausolus, the power and the beauty are no
longer there. If we were to appoint an umpire now on the question of
comeliness, I see no reason why he should prefer your skull to mine.
Both are bald, and bare of flesh; our teeth are equally in evidence;
each of us has lost his eyes, and each is snub-nosed. Then as to the
tomb and the costly marbles, I dare say such a fine erection gives the
Halicarnassians something to brag about and show off to strangers: but
I don't see, friend, that you are the better for it, unless it is that
you claim to carry more weight than the rest of us, with all that
marble on the top of you.

_Mau_. Then all is to go for nothing? Mausolus and Diogenes are to
rank as equals?

_Diog_. Equals! My dear sir, no; I don't say that. While Mausolus is
groaning over the memories of earth, and the felicity which he
supposed to be his, Diogenes will be chuckling. While Mausolus boasts
of the tomb raised to him by Artemisia, his wife and sister, Diogenes
knows not whether he has a tomb or no--the question never having
occurred to him; he knows only that his name is on the tongues of the
wise, as one who lived the life of a man; a higher monument than
yours, vile Carian slave, and set on firmer foundations.

F.




XXV

_Nireus. Thersites. Menippus_


_Ni_. Here we are; Menippus shall award the palm of beauty. Menippus,
am I not better-looking than he?

_Me_. Well, who are you? I must know that first, mustn't I?

_Ni_. Nireus and Thersites.

_Me_. Which is which? I cannot tell that yet.

_Ther_. One to me; I am like you; you have no such superiority as
Homer (blind, by the way) gave you when he called you the handsomest
of men; he might peak my head and thin my hair, our judge finds me
none the worse. Now, Menippus, make up your mind which is handsomer.

_Ni_. I, of course, I, the son of Aglaia and Charopus,

Comeliest of all that came 'neath Trojan walls.

_Me_. But not comeliest of all that come 'neath the earth, as far as I
know. Your bones are much like other people's; and the only difference
between your two skulls is that yours would not take much to stove it
in. It is a tender article, something short of masculine.

_Ni_. Ask Homer what I was, when I sailed with the Achaeans.

_Me_. Dreams, dreams. I am looking at what you are; what you were is
ancient history.

_Ni_. Am I not handsomer here, Menippus?

_Me_. You are not handsome at all, nor any one else either. Hades is a
democracy; one man is as good as another here.

_Ther_. And a very tolerable arrangement too, if you ask me.

H.




XXVI

_Menippus. Chiron_


_Me_. I have heard that you were a god, Chiron, and that you died of
your own choice?

_Chi_. You were rightly informed. I am dead, as you see, and might
have been immortal.

_Me_. And what should possess you, to be in love with Death? He has no
charm for most people.

_Chi_. You are a sensible fellow; I will tell you. There was no
further satisfaction to be had from immortality.

_Me_. Was it not a pleasure merely to live and see the light?

_Chi_. No; it is variety, as I take it, and not monotony, that
constitutes pleasure. Living on and on, everything always the same;
sun, light, food, spring, summer, autumn, winter, one thing following
another in unending sequence,--I sickened of it all. I found that
enjoyment lay not in continual possession; that deprivation had its
share therein.

_Me_. Very true, Chiron. And how have you got on since you made Hades
your home?

_Chi_. Not unpleasantly. I like the truly republican equality that
prevails; and as to whether one is in light or darkness, that makes no
difference at all. Then again there is no hunger or thirst here; one
is independent of such things.

_Me_. Take care, Chiron! You may be caught in the snare of your own
reasonings.

_Chi_. How should that be?

_Me_. Why, if the monotony of the other world brought on satiety, the
monotony here may do the same. You will have to look about for a
further change, and I fancy there is no third life procurable.

_Chi_. Then what is to be done, Menippus?

_Me_. Take things as you find them, I suppose, like a sensible fellow,
and make the best of everything.

F.




XXVII

_Diogenes. Antisthenes. Crates_


_Diog_. Now, friends, we have plenty of time; what say you to a
stroll? we might go to the entrance and have a look at the new-comers
--what they are and how they behave.

_Ant_. The very thing. It will be an amusing sight--some weeping, some
imploring to be let go, some resisting; when Hermes collars them, they
will stick their heels in and throw their weight back; and all to no
purpose.

_Cra_. Very well; and meanwhile, let me give you my experiences on the
way down.

_Diog_. Yes, go on, Crates; I dare say you saw some entertaining
sights.

_Cra_. We were a large party, of which the most distinguished were
Ismenodorus, a rich townsman of ours, Arsaces, ruler of Media, and
Oroetes the Armenian. Ismenodorus had been murdered by robbers going
to Eleusis over Cithaeron, I believe. He was moaning, nursing his
wound, apostrophizing the young children he had left, and cursing his
foolhardiness. He knew Cithaeron and the Eleutherae district were all
devastated by the wars, and yet he must take only two servants with
him--with five bowls and four cups of solid gold in his baggage, too.
Arsaces was an old man of rather imposing aspect; he expressed his
feelings in true barbaric fashion, was exceedingly angry at being
expected to walk, and kept calling for his horse. In point of fact it
had died with him, it and he having been simultaneously transfixed by
a Thracian pikeman in the fight with the Cappadocians on the Araxes.
Arsaces described to us how he had charged far in advance of his men,
and the Thracian, standing his ground and sheltering himself with his
buckler, warded off the lance, and then, planting his pike, transfixed
man and horse together.

_Ant_. How could it possibly be done simultaneously?

_Cra_. Oh, quite simple. The Median was charging with his thirty-foot
lance in front of him; the Thracian knocked it aside with his buckler;
the point glanced by; then he knelt, received the charge on his pike,
pierced the horse's chest--the spirited beast impaling itself by its
own impetus--, and finally ran Arsaces through groin and buttock. You
see what happened; it was the horse's doing rather than the man's.
However, Arsaces did not at all appreciate equality, and wanted to
come down on horseback. As for Oroetes, he was so tender-footed that
he could not stand, far less walk.
That is the way with all the Medes
--once they are off their horses, they go delicately on tiptoe as if
they were treading on thorns. He threw himself down, and there he lay;
nothing would induce him to get up; so the excellent Hermes had to
pick him up and carry him to the ferry; how I laughed!

_Ant_. When _I_ came down, I did not keep with the crowd; I left them
to their blubberings, ran on to the ferry, and secured a comfortable
seat for the passage. Then as we crossed, they were divided between
tears and sea-sickness, and gave me a merry time of it.

_Diog_. You two have described your fellow passengers; now for mine.
There came down with me Blepsias, the Pisatan usurer, Lampis, an
Acarnanian freelance, and the Corinthian millionaire Damis. The last
had been poisoned by his son, Lampis had cut his throat for love of
the courtesan Myrtium, and the wretched Blepsias is supposed to have
died of starvation; his awful pallor and extreme emaciation looked
like it. I inquired into the manner of their deaths, though I knew
very well. When Damis exclaimed upon his son, 'You only have your
deserts,' I remarked,--'an old man of ninety living in luxury yourself
with your million of money, and fobbing off your eighteen-year son
with a few pence! As for you, sir Acarnanian'--he was groaning and
cursing Myrtium--, 'why put the blame on Love? it belongs to yourself;
you were never afraid of an enemy--took all sorts of risks in other
people's service--and then let yourself be caught, my hero, by the
artificial tears and sighs of the first wench you came across. '
Blepsias uttered his own condemnation, without giving me time to do it
for him: he had hoarded his money for heirs who were nothing to him,
and been fool enough to reckon on immortality. I assure you it was no
common satisfaction I derived from their whinings.

But here we are at the gate; we must keep our eyes open, and get the
earliest view. Lord, lord, what a mixed crowd! and all in tears except
these babes and sucklings. Why, the hoary seniors are all lamentation
too; strange! has madam Life given them a love-potion? I must
interrogate this most reverend senior of them all. --Sir, why weep,
seeing that you have died full of years? has your excellency any
complaint to make, after so long a term? Ah, but you were doubtless a
king.

_Pauper_. Not so.

_Diog_. A provincial governor, then?

_Pauper_. No, nor that.

_Diog_. I see; you were wealthy, and do not like leaving your
boundless luxury to die.

_Pauper_. You are quite mistaken; I was near ninety, made a miserable
livelihood out of my line and rod, was excessively poor, childless, a
cripple, and had nearly lost my sight.

_Diog_. And you still wished to live?

_Pauper_. Ay, sweet is the light, and dread is death; would that one
might escape it!

_Diog_. You are beside yourself, old man; you are like a child kicking
at the pricks, you contemporary of the ferryman. Well, we need wonder
no more at youth, when age is still in love with life; one would have
thought it should court death as the cure for its proper ills. --And
now let us go our way, before our loitering here brings suspicion on
us: they may think we are planning an escape.

H.




XXVIII

_Menippus. Tiresias_


_Me_. Whether you are blind or not, Tiresias, would be a difficult
question. Eyeless sockets are the rule among us; there is no telling
Phineus from Lynceus nowadays. However, I know that you were a seer,
and that you enjoy the unique distinction of having been both man and
woman; I have it from the poets. Pray tell me which you found the more
pleasant life, the man's or the woman's?

_Ti_. The woman's, by a long way; it was much less trouble. Women have
the mastery of men; and there is no fighting for them, no manning of
walls, no squabbling in the assembly, no cross-examination in the
law-courts.

_Me_. Well, but you have heard how Medea, in Euripides, compassionates
her sex on their hard lot--on the intolerable pangs they endure in
travail? And by the way--Medea's words remind me did you ever have a
child, when you were a woman, or were you barren?

_Ti_. What do you mean by that question, Menippus?

_Me_. Oh, nothing; but I should like to know, if it is no trouble to
you.

_Ti_. I was not barren: but I did not have a child, exactly.

_Me_. No; but you might have had. That's all I wanted to know.

_Ti_. Certainly.

_Me_. And your feminine characteristics gradually vanished, and you
developed a beard, and became a man? Or did the change take place in a
moment?

_Ti_. Whither does your question tend? One would think you doubted the
fact.

_Me_. And what should I do but doubt such a story? Am I to take it in,
like a nincompoop, without asking myself whether it is possible or
not?

_Ti_. At that rate, I suppose you are equally incredulous when you
hear of women being turned into birds or trees or beasts,--Aedon for
instance, or Daphne, or Callisto?

_Me_. If I fall in with any of these ladies, I will see what they have
to say about it. But to return, friend, to your own case: were you a
prophet even in the days of your femininity? or did manhood and
prophecy come together?

_Ti_. Pooh, you know nothing of the matter. I once settled a dispute
among the Gods, and was blinded by Hera for my pains; whereupon Zeus
consoled me with the gift of prophecy.

_Me_. Ah, you love a lie still, Tiresias. But there, 'tis your trade.
You prophets! There is no truth in you.

F.




XXIX

_Agamemnon. Ajax_


_Ag_. If you went mad and wrought your own destruction, Ajax, in
default of that you designed for us all, why put the blame on
Odysseus? Why would you not vouchsafe him a look or a word, when he
came to consult Tiresias that day? you stalked past your old comrade
in arms as if he was beneath your notice.

_Aj_. Had I not good reason? My madness lies at the door of my
solitary rival for the arms.

_Ag_. Did you expect to be unopposed, and carry it over us all without
a contest?

_Aj_. Surely, in such a matter. The armour was mine by natural right,
seeing I was Achilles's cousin. The rest of you, his undoubted
superiors, refused to compete, recognizing my claim. It was the son of
Laertes, he that I had rescued scores of times when he would have been
cut to pieces by the Phrygians, who set up for a better man and a
stronger claimant than I.

_Ag_. Blame Thetis, then, my good sir; it was she who, instead of
delivering the inheritance to the next of kin, brought the arms and
left the ownership an open question.

_Aj_. No, no; the guilt was in claiming them--alone, I mean.

_Ag_. Surely, Ajax, a mere man may be forgiven the sin of coveting
honour--that sweetest bait for which each one of us adventured; nay,
and he outdid you there, if a Trojan verdict counts.

_Aj_. Who inspired that verdict [Footnote: Athene is meant. The
allusion is to Homer, _Od. xi. 547_, a passage upon the contest for
the arms of Achilles, in which Odysseus states that 'The judges were
the sons of the Trojans, and Pallas Athene. ']? I know, but about the
Gods we may not speak. Let that pass; but cease to hate Odysseus? 'tis
not in my power, Agamemnon, though Athene's self should require it of
me.

H.




XXX

_Minos. Sostratus_


_Mi_. Sostratus, the pirate here, can be dropped into Pyriphlegethon,
Hermes; the temple-robber shall be clawed by the Chimera; and lay out
the tyrant alongside of Tityus, there to have his liver torn by the
vultures. And you honest fellows can make the best of your way to
Elysium and the Isles of the Blest; this it is to lead righteous
lives.

_Sos_. A word with you, Minos. See if there is not some justice in my
plea.

_Mi_. What, more pleadings? Have you not been convicted of villany and
murder without end?

_Sos_. I have. Yet consider whether my sentence is just.

_Mi_. Is it just that you should have your deserts? If so, the
sentence is just.

_Sos_. Well, answer my questions; I will not detain you long.

_Mi_. Say on, but be brief; I have other cases waiting for me.

_Sos_. The deeds of my life--were they in my own choice, or were they
decreed by Fate?

_Mi_. Decreed, of course.

_Sos_. Then all of us, whether we passed for honest men or rogues,
were the instruments of Fate in all that we did?

_Mi_. Certainly; Clotho prescribes the conduct of every man at his
birth.

_Sos_. Now suppose a man commits a murder under compulsion of a power
which he cannot resist, an executioner, for instance, at the bidding
of a judge, or a bodyguard at that of a tyrant. Who is the murderer,
according to you?

_Mi_. The judge, of course, or the tyrant. As well ask whether the
sword is guilty, which is but the tool of his anger who is prime mover
in the affair.

_Sos_. I am indebted to you for a further illustration of my argument.
Again: a slave, sent by his master, brings me gold or silver; to whom
am I to be grateful? who goes down on my tablets as a benefactor?

_Mi_. The sender; the bringer is but his minister.

_Sos_. Observe then your injustice! You punish us who are but the
slaves of Clotho's bidding, and reward these, who do but minister to
another's beneficence. For it will never be said that it was in our
power to gainsay the irresistible ordinances of Fate?

_Mi_. Ah, Sostratus; look closely enough, and you will find plenty of
inconsistencies besides these. However, I see you are no common
pirate, but a philosopher in your way; so much you have gained by your
questions. Let him go, Hermes; he shall not be punished after that.
But mind, Sostratus, you must not put it into other people's heads to
ask questions of this kind.

F.




MENIPPUS

A NECROMANTIC EXPERIMENT

_Menippus. Philonides_


_Me_. All hail, my roof, my doors, my hearth and home! How sweet again
to see the light and thee!

_Phi_. Menippus the cynic, surely; even so, or there are visions
about. Menippus, every inch of him. What has he been getting himself
up like that for? sailor's cap, lyre, and lion-skin? However, here
goes. --How are you, Menippus? where do _you_ spring from? You have
disappeared this long time.

_Me_. Death's lurking-place I leave, and those dark gates Where Hades
dwells, a God apart from Gods.

_Phi_. Good gracious! has Menippus died, all on the quiet, and come to
life for a second spell?

_Me_. Not so; a _living_ guest in Hades I.

_Phi_. But what induced you to take this queer original journey?

_Me_. Youth drew me on--too bold, too little wise.

_Phi_. My good man, truce to your heroics; get off those iambic
stilts, and tell me in plain prose what this get-up means; what did
you want with the lower regions? It is a journey that needs a motive
to make it attractive.

_Me_. Dear friend, to Hades' realms I needs must go, To counsel with
Tiresias of Thebes.

_Phi_.