No More Learning

what have my stars been doing
to-day? A ring! delivered by Sir Davy--what can that mean? Pox
on her for a jilt, she lies, and has a mind to amuse and laugh
at me a day or two longer. Hist, here comes her beast once
more; I'll use him civilly, and try what discovery I can make.

_Re-enter_ Sir DAVY DUNCE.

_Sir Dav. _ Ha, ha, ha! here's the captain's jewel; very well:
in troth, I had like to have forgotten it. Ha, ha, ha! --how
damnable mad he'll be now, when I shall deliver him his ring
again, ha, ha! --Poor dog, he'll hang himself at least, ha, ha,
ha! --Faith, 'tis a very pretty stone, and finely set: humph! if
I should keep it now? --I'll say I have lost it--no, I'll give
it him again o' purpose to vex him, ha, ha, ha!

_Beau. _ Sir Davy, I am heartily sorry--

_Sir Dav. _ O sir, 'tis you I was seeking for, ha, ha, ha! --What
shall I say to him now to terrify him? [_Aside. _

_Beau. _ Me, sir!

_Sir Dav. _ Ay, you, sir, if your name be Captain Beaugard.
[_Aside. _] How like a fool he looks already!

_Beau. _ What you please, sir.

_Sir Dav. _ Sir, I would speak a word with you, if you think
fit. --What shall I do now to keep my countenance? [_Aside. _

_Beau. _ Can I be so happy, sir, as to be able to serve you in
anything?

_Sir Dav. _ No, sir; ha, ha, ha! I have commands of service to
you, sir. O Lord! ha, ha, ha!

_Beau. _ Me, sir!

_Sir Dav. _ Ay, sir! you, sir: but put on your hat, friend, put
on your hat; be covered.

_Beau. _ Sir, will you please to sit down on this bank?

_Sir Dav. _ No, no, there's no need, no need; for all I have a
young wife, I can stand upon my legs, sweetheart.

_Beau. _ Sir, I beseech you.

_Sir Dav. _ By no means; I think, friend, we had some hard words
just now; 'twas about a paltry baggage; but she's a pretty
baggage, and a witty baggage, and a baggage that--

_Beau. _ Sir, I am heartily ashamed of all misdemeanour on my
side.

_Sir Dav. _ You do well; though are not you a damned
whore-master, a devilish cuckold-making fellow? Here, here,
do you see this? here's the ring you sent a-roguing; sir, do
you think my wife wants anything that you can help her to?
Why, I'll warrant this ring cost fifty pounds: what a prodigal
fellow are you to throw away so much money! or didst thou steal
it, old boy? I'll believe thou mayst be poor; I'll lend thee
money upon't, if thou thinkest fit, at thirty in the hundred,
because I love thee, ha, ha, ha!

_Beau. _ Sir, your humble servant. I am sorry 'twas not worth
your lady's acceptance. [_Aside. _] Now what a dog am I!

_Sir Dav. _ I should have given it thee before, but, faith, I
forgot it, though it was not my wife's fault in the least; for
she says, as thou likest this usage, she hopes to have thy
custom again, child. Ha, ha, ha!

_Beau. _ Then, sir, I beseech you tell her, that you have made
a convert of me, and that I am so sensible of my insolent
behaviour towards her--

_Sir Dav. _ Very well, I shall do it.

_Beau. _ That 'tis impossible I shall ever be at peace with
myself, till I find some way how I may make her reparation.

_Sir Dav. _ Very good, ha, ha, ha!

_Beau. _ And that if ever she find me guilty of the like offence
again--

_Sir Dav. _ No, sir, you had best not; but proceed; ha, ha, ha!

_Beau. _ Let her banish all good opinion of me for ever.

_Sir Dav. _ No more to be said: your servant; good b'w'ye.

_Beau. _ One word more, I beseech you, Sir Davy.

_Sir Dav. _ What's that?

_Beau. _ I beg you tell her that the generous reproof she has
given me has so wrought upon me--

_Sir Dav. _ Well, I will.

_Beau. _ That I esteem this jewel, not only as a wreck redeemed
from my folly, but that for her sake I will preserve it to the
utmost moment of my life.

_Sir Dav. _ With all my heart, I vow and swear.

_Beau. _ And that I long to convince her I am not the brute she
might mistake me for.

_Sir Dav. _ Right. [_Aside. _] Well, this will make the purest
sport. --Let me see; first you acknowledge yourself to be a very
impudent fellow?

_Beau. _ I do so, sir.

_Sir Dav. _ And that you shall never be at rest till you have
satisfied my lady?

_Beau. _ Right, sir.

_Sir Dav. _ Satisfied her! very good; ha, ha, ha! and that you
will never play the fool any more? Be sure you keep your word,
friend.

_Beau. _ Never, sir.

_Sir Dav. _ And that you will keep that ring for her sake, as
long as you live, ha?

_Beau. _ To the day of my death, I'll assure you.

_Sir Dav. _ I protest that will be very kindly done. And that
you long, mightily long to let her understand that you are
another guess fellow than she may take you for?

_Beau. _ Exactly, sir, this is the sum and end of my desires.

_Sir Dav. _ Well, I'll take care of your business, I'll do your
business, I'll warrant you. [_Aside. _] This will make the
purest sport when I come home! --Well, your servant; remember,
be sure you remember: your servant. [_Exit. _

_Beau. _ So, now I find a husband is a delicate instrument
rightly made use of;--to make her old jealous coxcomb pimp for
me himself! I think is as worthy an employment as such a noble
consort can be put to.

Ah, were ye all such husbands and such wives,
We younger brothers should lead better lives. [_Exit. _

[Illustration]

FOOTNOTES:

[35] _i. e. _ Cocking his hat.

[36] A privy.

[37] The verse of Scripture read by criminals to obtain benefit of
clergy.

[38] _i. e. _ Sedan chairs.

[39] _i. e. _ A strong inclination. The expression occurs in _Hudibras_
and elsewhere.




ACT THE THIRD.


SCENE I. --_Outside_ Sir DAVY DUNCE's _House in Covent Garden_.

_Enter_ SYLVIA.

Sylv. To fall in love, and to fall in love with a soldier! nay,
a disbanded soldier too; a fellow with the mark of Cain upon
him, which everybody knows him by, and is ready to throw stones
at him for.

_Enter_ COURTINE.

_Cour. _ Damn her! I shall never enjoy her without ravishing; if
she were but very rich and very ugly, I would marry her. Ay,
'tis she; I know her mischievous look too well to be mistaken
in it. --Madam.

_Sylv. _ Sir.

_Cour. _ 'Tis a very hard case, that you have resolved not to
let me be quiet.

_Sylv. _ 'Tis very unreasonably done of you, sir, to haunt me
up and down everywhere at this scandalous rate; the world will
think we are acquainted, shortly.

_Cour. _ But, madam, I shall fairly take more care of my
reputation, and from this time forward shun and avoid you most
watchfully.

_Sylv. _ Have you not haunted this place these two hours?

_Cour. _ 'Twas because I knew it to be your ladyship's home,
then, and therefore might reasonably be the place you
least of all frequented; one would imagine you were gone
a-coxcomb-hunting by this time, to some place of public
appearance or other; 'tis pretty near the hour; 'twill be
twilight presently, and then the owls come all abroad.

_Sylv. _ What need I take the trouble to go so far a-fowling,
when there's game enough at our own doors?

_Cour. _ What, game for your net, fair lady?

_Sylv. _ Yes, or any woman's net else, that will spread it.

_Cour. _ To show you how despicably I think of the business, I
will here leave you presently, though I lose the pleasure of
railing at you.

_Sylv. _ Do so, I would advise you; your raillery betrays your
wit, as bad as your clumsy civility does your breeding.

_Cour. _ Adieu!

_Sylv. _ Farewell!

_Cour. _ Why do not you go about your business?

_Sylv. _ Because I would be sure to be rid of you first, that
you might not dog me.

_Cour. _ Were it but possible that you could answer me one
question truly, and then I should be satisfied.

_Sylv. _ Any thing for composition to be rid of you handsomely.

_Cour. _ Are you really very honest? look in my face, and tell
me that.

_Sylv. _ Look in your face and tell you! for what? to spoil my
stomach to my supper?

_Cour.
_ No, but to get thee a stomach to thy bed, sweetheart; I
would if possible be better acquainted with thee, because thou
art very ill-natured.

_Sylv. _ Your only way to bring that business about effectually,
is to be more troublesome; and if you think it worth your
while to be abused substantially, you may make your personal
appearance this night.

_Cour. _ How? where? and when? and what hour, I beseech thee?

_Sylv. _ Under the window, between the hours of eleven and
twelve exactly.

_Cour. _ Where shall these lovely eyes and ears
Hear my plaints, and see my tears?

_Sylv. _ At that kind hour thy griefs shall end,
If thou canst know thy foe from thy friend. [_Exit. _

_Cour. _ Here's another trick of the devil now; under that
window between the hours of eleven and twelve exactly! I am a
damned fool, and must go: let me see; suppose I meet with a
lusty beating: pish, that's nothing for a man that's in love;
or suppose she contrive some way to make a public coxcomb of
me, and expose me to the scorn of the world, for an example to
all amorous blockheads hereafter? why, if she do, I'll swear
I have lain with her; beat her relations, if they pretend to
vindicate her; and so there's one love-intrigue pretty well
over. [_Exit. _

_Enter_ Sir DAVY DUNCE _and_ VERMIN.

_Sir Dav. _ Go, get you in to your lady now, and tell her I am
coming.

_Ver. _ Her ladyship, right worshipful, is pleased not to be at
home.

_Sir Dav. _ How's that? my lady not at home! Run, run in and ask
when she went forth, whither she is gone, and who is with her;
run and ask, Vermin.

_Ver. _ She went out in her chair presently after you this
afternoon.

_Sir Dav. _ Then I may be a cuckold still for aught I know: what
will become of me? I have surely lost, and ne'er shall find her
more; she promised me strictly to stay at home till I came back
again; for aught I know she may be up three pair of stairs in
the Temple now.

_Ver. _ Is her ladyship in law then, sir?

_Sir Dav. _ Or it may be taking the air as far as Knightsbridge,
with some smooth-faced rogue or another. 'Tis a damned house,
that Swan: that Swan at Knightsbridge is a confounded house,
Vermin.

_Ver. _ Do you think she is there then?

_Sir Dav. _ No, I do not think she is there neither; but such a
thing may be, you know: would that Barn-Elms was under water
too! there's a thousand cuckolds a year made at Barn-Elms by
Rosamond's Ponds:[40] the devil! if she should be there this
evening my heart's broke.

_Enter_ Sir JOLLY.

_Sir Jol. _ That must be Sir Davy; ay, that's he, that's he,
ha, ha, ha; was ever the like heard of? was ever anything so
pleasant?

_Sir Dav. _ I'll lock her up three days and three nights without
meat, drink, or light; I'll humble her in the devil's name.

_Sir Jol. _ Well, could I but meet my friend Sir Davy, it would
be the joyfullest news for him--

_Sir Dav. _ Who's there that has anything to say to me?

_Sir Jol. _ Ah, my friend of friends, such news, such tidings!

_Sir Dav. _ I have lost my wife, man.

_Sir Jol. _ Lost her! she's not dead, I hope?

_Sir Dav. _ Yes. Alas, she's dead, irrecoverably lost!

_Sir Jol. _ Why, I parted with her within this half-hour.

_Sir Dav. _ Did you so? are you sure it was she? where was it?
I'll have my lord chief-justice's warrant and a constable
presently.

_Sir Jol. _ And she made the purest sport now with a young
fellow, man, that she met withal accidentally.

_Sir Dav. _ O Lord, that's worse and worse! a young fellow! --my
wife making sport with a young fellow! O Lord! here are doings,
here are vagaries! I'll run mad. I'll climb Bow-steeple
presently, bestride the dragon, and preach cuckoldom to the
whole city.

_Sir Jol. _ The best of all was, too, that it happened to be an
idle coxcomb that pretended to be in love with her, neighbour.

_Sir Dav. _ Indeed! in love with her! who was it? what's his
name? I warrant you won't tell a body--I'll indict him in the
Crown-office; no, I'll issue warrants to apprehend him for
treason upon the statute of Edward 19. Won't you tell me what
young fellow it was? was it a very handsome young fellow, ha?

_Sir Jol. _ Handsome? yes, hang him; the fellow's handsome
enough: he is not very handsome neither, but he has a devilish
leering black eye.

_Sir Dav. _ O Lord!

_Sir Jol. _ His face too is a good riding face; 'tis no soft
effeminate complexion indeed, but his countenance is ruddy,
sanguine, and cheerful; a devilish fellow in a corner, I'll
warrant him.

_Sir Dav. _ Bless us! what will become of me? Why the devil
did I marry a young wife? Is he very well shaped too, tall,
straight, and proportionable, ha?

_Sir Jol. _ Tall? no, he's not very tall neither, yet he is tall
enough too: he's none of your overgrown, lubberly Flanders
jades, but more of the true English breed, well-knit, able, and
fit for service, old boy; the fellow is well shaped truly, very
well proportioned, strong and active. I have seen the rogue
leap like a buck.

_Sir Dav. _ Who can this be? Well, and what think you, friend,
has he been there? Come, come, I'm sensible she's a young
woman; and I am an old fellow--troth, a very old fellow,
I signify little or nothing now. But do you think he has
prevailed? am I cuckold, neighbour?

_Sir Jol. _ Cuckold! what, a cuckold in Covent-garden! no, I'll
assure you, I believe her to be the most virtuous woman in the
world; but if you had but seen--

_Sir Dav. _ Ay, would I had! what was it?

_Sir Jol. _ How like a rogue she used him: first of all comes me
up the spark to her. "Madam," says he--and then he bows down,
thus. "How now," says she, "what would the impertinent fellow
have? "

_Sir Dav. _ Humph! ha! well, and what then?

_Sir Jol. _ "Madam," says he again, bowing as he did before, "my
heart is so entirely yours, that except you take pity on my
sufferings I must here die at your feet. "

_Sir Dav. _ So, and what said she again, neighbour? ha!

_Sir Jol. _ "Go, you are a fop. "

_Sir Dav. _ Ha, ha, ha! did she indeed? Did she say so indeed? I
am glad on't, troth, I am very glad on't. Well, and what next?
And how, and well, and what? ha!

_Sir Jol. _ "Madam," says he, "this won't do; I am your humble
servant for all this; you may pretend to be as ill-natured as
you please, but I shall make bold. "

_Sir Dav. _ Was there ever such an impudent fellow?

_Sir Jol. _ With that, "Sirrah," says she, "you are a saucy
jackanapes, and I'll have you kicked. "

_Sir Dav. _ Ha, ha, ha! Well, I would not be unmarried again to
be an angel.

_Sir Jol. _ But the best jest of all was, who this should be at
last.

_Sir Dav. _ Ay, who indeed! I'll warrant you some silly fellow
or other, poor fool!

_Sir Jol. _ E'en a scandalous rakehell, that lingers up and down
the town by the name of Captain Beaugard; but he has been a
bloody cuckold-making scoundrel in his time.

_Sir Dav. _ Hang him, sot, is it he? I don't value him this, not
a wet finger, man. To my knowledge she hates him, she scorns
him, neighbour; I know it, I am very well satisfied in the
point; besides, I have seen him since that, and out-hectored
him: I am to tell her from his own mouth, that he promises
never to affront her more.

_Sir Jol. _ Indeed!

_Sir Dav. _ Ay, ay--

_Enter_ Lady DUNCE, _paying her_ Chairman.

_Chair. _ God bless you, madam, thank your honour!

_Sir Jol. _ Hush, hush! there's my lady. I'll be gone, I'll not
be seen; your humble servant, God b'w'ye.

_Sir Dav. _ No faith, Sir Jolly, e'en go into my house now, and
stay supper with me, we ha'n't supped together a great while.

_Sir Jol. _ Ha! say you so? I don't care if I do, faith, with
all my heart; this may give me an opportunity to set all things
right again. [_Aside. _

_Sir Dav. _ My dear!

_L. Dunce. _ Sir!

_Sir Dav. _ You have been abroad, my dear, I see.

_L. Dunce. _ Only for a little air; truly I was almost stifled
within doors; I hope you will not be angry, Sir Davy, will you?

_Sir Dav. _ Angry, child! no, child, not I; what should I be
angry for?

_L. Dunce. _ I wonder, Sir Davy, you will serve me at this rate.
Did you not promise to go in my behalf to Beaugard, and correct
him according to my instructions for his insolence?

_Sir Dav. _ So I did, child; I have been with him, sweetheart;
I have told him all to a tittle; I gave him back again the
picture too: but, as the devil would have it, I forgot the
ring--faith, I did.

_L. Dunce. _ Did you purpose, Sir Sodom, to render me ridiculous
to the man I abominate?