What
parchment
have we here?
Warner - World's Best Literature - v23 - Sha to Sta
I believe
## p. 13347 (#153) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13347
you capable of everything that is bad. Yes, madam, I now
believe the reports relative to you and Charles, madam. Yes,
madam, you and Charles are, not without grounds-
Lady Teazle-Take care, Sir Peter! you had better not in-
sinuate any such thing! I'll not be suspected without cause, I
promise you.
Sir Peter - Very well, madam! very well! A separate main-
tenance as soon as you please. Yes, madam; or a divorce! I'll
make an example of myself for the benefit of all old bachelors.
Let us separate, madam.
Lady Teazle - Agreed! agreed! And now, my dear Sir Peter,
we are of a mind once more, we may be the happiest couple,
and never differ again, you know: ha! ha! ha! Well, you are
going to be in a passion, I see, and I shall only interrupt you
so, by-by! .
[Exit.
Sir Peter-Plagues and tortures! can't I make her angry
either? Oh, I am the most miserable fellow! But I'll not bear
her presuming to keep her temper: no! she may break my heart,
but she shan't keep her temper.
[Exit.
AUCTIONING OFF ONE'S RELATIVES
From the School for Scandal'
(
[Charles Surface, an amiable but dissipated young man of fashion, has
decided to raise money for his pastimes by selling to a supposed "broker »
his last salable property, the family portraits. The purchaser of them, under
the name of "Mr. Premium," is Charles's uncle, Sir Oliver Surface; who in
disguise, desires to study his graceless nephew's character and extravagances.
The scene is the disfurnished mansion of Charles in London; and he is at
table with several friends when the feigned Mr. Premium is presented. ]
CH
HARLES SURFACE [to Sir Oliver] — Mr. Premium, my friend
Moses is a very honest fellow, but a little slow at expres-
sion: he'll be an hour giving us our titles. Mr. Premium,
the plain state of the matter is this: I am an extravagant young
fellow who wants to borrow money; you I take to be a prudent
old fellow who have got money to lend. I am blockhead enough
to give fifty per cent. sooner than not have it; and you, I pre-
sume, are rogue enough to take a hundred if you can get it.
Now, sir, you see we are acquainted at once, and may proceed to
business without further ceremony.
## p. 13348 (#154) ##########################################
13348
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Sir Oliver - Exceeding frank, upon my word. I see, sir, you
are not a man of many compliments.
Charles - Oh no, sir! plain dealing in business I always think
best.
Sir Oliver-Sir, I like you the better for it. However, you
are mistaken in one thing: I have no money to lend, but I
believe I could procure some of a friend; but then he's an un-
conscionable dog. Isn't he, Moses? And must sell stock to
accommodate you. Mustn't he, Moses?
Moses - Yes, indeed! You know I always speak the truth,
and scorn to tell a lie!
Charles Right. People that speak truth generally do. But
these are trifles, Mr. Premium. What! I know money isn't to be
bought without paying for't!
Sir Oliver-Well, but what security could you give? You
have no land, I suppose?
Charles-Not a mole-hill, nor a twig, but what's in the
bough-pots out of the window!
Sir Oliver-Nor any stock, I presume?
Charles-Nothing but live-stock—and that only a few pointers
and ponies. But pray, Mr. Premium, are you acquainted at all
with any of my connections?
Sir Oliver Why, to say truth, I am.
Charles-Then you must know that I have a devilish rich
uncle in the East Indies-Sir Oliver Surface - from whom I have
the greatest expectations?
――――
Sir Oliver-That you have a wealthy uncle, I have heard;
but how your expectations will turn out is more, I believe, than
you can tell.
Charles-Oh, no! there can be no doubt. They tell me I'm
a prodigious favorite, and that he talks of leaving me every-
thing.
Sir Oliver - Indeed! This is the first I've heard of it.
Charles - Yes, yes, 'tis just so. Moses knows 'tis true; don't
you, Moses?
Moses-Oh, yes! I'll swear to't.
Sir Oliver [aside]-Egad, they'll persuade me presently I'm
at Bengal.
Charles-Now I propose, Mr. Premium, if it's agreeable to
you, a post-obit on Sir Oliver's life; though at the same time the
old fellow has been so liberal to me, that I give you my word I
should be very sorry to hear that anything had happened to him.
## p. 13349 (#155) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13349
Sir Oliver. Not more than I should, I assure you. But the
bond you mention happens to be just the worst security you
could offer me- for I might live to a hundred and never see the
principal.
―――
Charles-Oh yes, you would! The moment Sir Oliver dies,
you know, you would come on me for the money.
Sir Oliver - Then I believe I should be the most unwelcome
dun you ever had in your life.
Charles-What!
I suppose you're afraid that Sir Oliver is
mium?
too good a life?
Sir Oliver-No, indeed I am not; though I have heard he is
as hale and healthy as any man of his years in Christendom.
Charles-There again, now, you are misinformed. No, no:
the climate has hurt him considerably-poor Uncle Oliver. Yes,
yes, he breaks apace, I'm told-and is so much altered lately
that his nearest relations would not know him.
Sir Oliver-No! Ha! ha! ha! so much altered lately that
his nearest relations would not know him! Ha! ha! ha! egad-
ha ha ha!
Charles-Ha! ha! ha! - you're glad to hear that, little Pre-
Sir Oliver- No, no, I'm not.
Charles - Yes, yes, you are -ha! ha! ha!
-
- you know that
mends your chance.
Sir Oliver-But I'm told Sir Oliver is coming over; nay,
some say he is actually arrived.
Charles - Psha! sure I must know better than you whether
he's come or not. No, no: rely on't he's at this moment at
Calcutta. Isn't he, Moses?
Moses - Oh, yes, certainly.
Sir Oliver - Very true, as you say, you must know better
than I; though I have it from pretty good authority. Haven't I,
Moses?
Moses - Yes, most undoubted!
―
Sir Oliver - But, sir, as I understand you want a few hun-
dreds immediately, is there nothing you could dispose of?
Charles-How do you mean?
Sir Oliver-For instance, now, I have heard that your father
left behind him a great quantity of massy old plate.
Charles-O Lud! that's gone long ago. Moses can tell you
how better than I can.
## p. 13350 (#156) ##########################################
13350
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Sir Oliver [aside] - Good lack! all the family race cups and
corporation bowls! [Aloud. ] Then it was also supposed that
his library was one of the most valuable and compact.
Charles-Yes, yes, so it was,-vastly too much so for a
private gentleman. For my part, I was always of a communicat-
ive disposition, so I thought it a shame to keep so much knowl-
edge to myself.
Sir Oliver [aside] - Mercy upon me! learning that had run
in the family like an heirloom! [Aloud. ] Pray, what are be-
come of the books?
Charles-You must inquire of the auctioneer, Master Pre-
mium; for I don't believe even Moses can direct you.
Moses I know nothing of books.
Sir Oliver-So, so: nothing of the family property left, I
suppose?
――
Charles-Not much, indeed; unless you have a mind to the
family pictures. I have got a room full of ancestors above; and
if you have a taste for old paintings, egad, you shall have 'em a
bargain!
Sir Oliver-Hey! what the devil! sure, you wouldn't sell
your forefathers, would you?
Charles-Every man of them, to the best bidder.
Sir Oliver-What! your great-uncles and aunts?
Charles-Ay; and my great-grandfathers and grandmothers
too.
Sir Oliver [aside] - Now I give him up! [Aloud. ] What the
plague, have you no bowels for your own kindred? Odds life!
do you take me for Shylock in the play, that you would raise
money of me on your own flesh and blood?
Charles-Nay, my little broker, don't be angry: what need
you care, if you have your money's worth?
Sir Oliver - Well, I'll be the purchaser: I think I can dispose
of the family canvas. [Aside. ] Oh, I'll never forgive him this!
never!
--
Careless-Come, Charles, what keeps you?
Charles I can't come yet. I' faith, we are going to have a
sale above-stairs; here's little Premium will buy all my ances-
tors!
Careless
Enter Careless
—
- Oh, burn your ancestors!
## p. 13351 (#157) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13351
Charles No, he may do that afterwards if he pleases. Stay,
Careless, we want you: egad, you shall be auctioneer; so come
along with us.
I can handle
Careless-Oh, have with you, if that's the case.
a hammer as well as a dice-box! Going! going!
Sir Oliver [aside]-Oh, the profligates!
Charles - Come, Moses, you shall be appraiser, if we want
Gad's life, little Premium, you don't seem to like the busi-
one.
ness?
Sir Oliver -Oh, yes, I do, vastly! Ha! ha! ha! yes, yes, I
think it a rare joke to sell one's family by auction-ha! ha!
[Aside. ] Oh, the prodigal!
Charles-To be sure! when a man wants money, where the
plague should he get assistance if he can't make free with his
own relations?
[Exeunt.
Sir Oliver [aside, as they go out] - I'll never forgive him;
never! never!
Scene: A picture room in Charles Surface's house. Enter Charles Sur-
face, Sir Oliver Surface, Moses, and Careless.
Charles Walk in, gentlemen, pray walk in-here they are:
the family of the Surfaces, up to the Conquest.
Sir Oliver-And in my opinion, a goodly collection.
1
Charles-Ay, ay, these are done in the true spirit of portrait-
painting; no volontière grace or expression. Not like the works of
your modern Raphaels, who give you the strongest resemblance,
yet contrive to make your portrait independent of you; so that
you may sink the original and not hurt the picture. No, no: the
merit of these is the inveterate likeness-all stiff and awkward
as the originals, and like nothing in human nature besides.
Sir Oliver-Ah! we shall never see such figures of men
again.
-
Charles I hope not. Well, you see, Master Premium, what
a domestic character I am; here I sit of an evening surrounded
by my family. But come, get to your pulpit, Mr. Auctioneer;
here's an old gouty chair of my grandfather's will answer the
purpose.
-
Careless - Ay, ay, this will do. But, Charles, I haven't a
hammer; and what's an auctioneer without his hammer?
Charles-Egad, that's true.
What parchment have we here?
Oh, our genealogy in full. [Taking the pedigree down. ] Here,
## p. 13352 (#158) ##########################################
13352
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Careless, you shall have no common bit of mahogany: here's
the family tree for you, you rogue! This shall be your hammer,
and now you may knock down my ancestors with their own pedi-
gree.
Sir Oliver [aside] - What an unnatural rogue! -an ex post
facto parricide!
Careless- Yes, yes, here's a list of your generation indeed.
'Faith, Charles, this is the most convenient thing you could
have found for the business, for 'twill not only serve as a ham-
mer, but a catalogue into the bargain. Come, begin- A-going,
a-going, a-going!
Charles Bravo, Careless! Well, here's my great-uncle, Sir
Richard Raveline: a marvelous good general in his day, I assure
you. He served in all the Duke of Marlborough's wars, and
got that cut over his eye at the battle of Malplaquet. What say
you, Mr. Premium? Look at him—there's a hero! not cut out
of his feathers, as your modern clipped captains are, but envel-
oped in wig and regimentals, as a general should be. What do
you bid?
—
Sir Oliver [aside to Moses] - Bid him speak.
Moses Mr. Premium would have you speak.
Charles-Why, then, he shall have him for ten pounds; and
I'm sure that's not dear for a staff-officer.
――
Sir Oliver [aside] — Heaven deliver me! his famous uncle
Richard for ten pounds! [Aloud. ] Very well, sir, I take him
at that.
Charles Careless, knock down my uncle Richard. Here
now is a maiden sister of his, my great-aunt Deborah; done by
Kneller in his best manner, and esteemed a very formidable like-
ness. There she is, you see: a shepherdess feeding her flock.
You shall have her for five pounds ten,-the sheep are worth
the money.
-
Sir Oliver [aside]—Ah! poor Deborah! a woman who set
such a value on herself! [Aloud. ] Five pounds ten-she's
mine.
Charles-Knock down my aunt Deborah! Here now are two
that were a sort of cousins of theirs. You see, Moses, these
pictures were done some time ago, when beaux wore wigs, and
the ladies their own hair.
Sir Oliver - Yes, truly, head-dresses appear to have been a
little lower in those days.
## p. 13353 (#159) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13353
Charles-Well, take that couple for the same.
Moses 'Tis a good bargain.
-
Charles-Careless! - This now is a grandfather of my moth-
er's; a learned judge, well known on the western circuit. What
do you rate him at, Moses?
Moses-Four guineas.
Charles-Four guineas!
―――――
Gad's life, you don't bid me the
price of his wig.
Mr. Premium, you have more respect for the
woolsack: do let us knock his Lordship down at fifteen.
Sir Oliver
By all means.
Careless-Gone!
Charles-And there are two brothers of his, William and
Walter Blunt, Esquires, both members of Parliament, and noted
speakers; and what's very extraordinary, I believe this is the
first time they were ever bought or sold.
Sir Oliver-That is very extraordinary, indeed! I'll take
them at your own price, for the honor of Parliament.
Careless-Well said, little Premium! I'll knock them down
at forty.
Charles-Here's a jolly fellow-I don't know what relation,
but he was mayor of Norwich: take him at eight pounds.
Sir Oliver - No, no: six will do for the mayor.
-
Charles-Come, make it guineas, and I'll throw you the two
aldermen there into the bargain.
Sir Oliver-They're mine.
Charles-Careless, knock down the mayor and aldermen. But
plague on't! we shall be all day retailing in this manner: do let
us deal wholesale; what say you, little Premium? Give me three
hundred pounds for the rest of the family in the lump.
Careless-Ay, ay: that will be the best way.
Sir Oliver-Well, well,-anything to accommodate you: they
are mine. But there is one portrait which you have always
passed over.
Careless-What, that ill-looking little fellow over the set-
tee?
Sir Oliver - Yes, sir, I mean that; though I don't think him
so ill-looking a little fellow, by any means.
Charles-What, that? Oh, that's my Uncle Oliver! 'Twas
done before he went to India.
Careless-Your Uncle Oliver! Gad, then you'll never be
friends, Charles. That now, to me, is as stern a looking rogue
as ever I saw; an unforgiving eye, and a damned disinheriting
## p. 13354 (#160) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13354
countenance! an inveterate knave, depend on't.
so, little Premium ?
Don't you think
Sir Oliver-Upon my soul, sir, I do not: I think it is as
honest a looking face as any in the room, dead or alive. But I
suppose Uncle Oliver goes with the rest of the lumber?
Charles-No, hang it! I'll not part with poor Noll. The old
fellow has been very good to me, and egad, I'll keep his picture
while I've a room to put it in.
Sir Oliver [aside]-The rogue's my nephew after all! -
[Aloud. ] But, sir, I have somehow taken a fancy to that pict-
ure.
Charles-I'm sorry for't, for you certainly will not have it.
Oons! haven't you got enough of them?
Sir Oliver [aside]-I forgive him everything! [Aloud. ] But,
sir, when I take a whim in my head, I don't value money. I'll
give you as much for that as for all the rest.
Charles-Don't tease me, master broker: I tell you I'll not
part with it, and there's an end of it.
Sir Oliver [aside]-How like his father the dog is! [Aloud. ]
Well, well, I have done. [Aside. ] I did not perceive it before,
but I think I never saw such a striking resemblance. [Aloud. ]
Here is a draught for your sum.
Charles-Why, 'tis for eight hundred pounds!
Sir Oliver-You will not let Sir Oliver go?
Charles-Zounds! no, I tell you, once more.
Sir Oliver-Then never mind the difference: we'll balance
that another time. But give me your hand on the bargain; you
are an honest fellow, Charles-I beg pardon, sir, for being so
free. Come, Moses.
Charles-Egad, this is a whimsical old fellow! -But hark'ee,
Premium, you'll prepare lodgings for these gentlemen.
Sir Oliver - Yes, yes; I'll send for them in a day or two.
Charles-But hold,-do now send a genteel conveyance for
them; for I assure you they were most of them used to ride in
their own carriages.
Sir Oliver-I will, I will-for all but Oliver.
Charles-Ay, all but the little nabob.
Sir Oliver - You're fixed on that?
-
Charles Peremptorily.
Sir Oliver [aside] - A dear extravagant rogue! [Aloud. ]
[Aside. ] Let me hear now
who
Good-day! Come, Moses.
dares call him a profligate!
[Exit with Moses.
-
―
## p. 13355 (#161) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13355
Careless-Why, this is the oddest genius of the sort I ever
met with.
Charles- Egad, he's the prince of brokers, I think. I wonder
how the devil Moses got acquainted with so honest a fellow. -
Ha! here's Rowley. -Do, Careless, say I'll join the company in a
few moments.
Careless-I will-but don't let that old blockhead persuade
you to squander any of that money on old musty debts, or any
such nonsense; for tradesmen, Charles, are the most exorbitant
fellows.
Charles - Very true; and paying them is only encouraging
them.
Careless-Nothing else.
Charles-Ay, ay, never fear. [Exit Careless. ] So! this was
an odd old fellow, indeed. Let me see: two-thirds of these five
hundred and thirty odd pounds are mine by right. 'Fore heaven!
I find one's ancestors are more valuable relations than I took
them for! - Ladies and gentlemen, your most obedient and very
grateful servant.
[Bows ceremoniously to the pictures.
THE PLEASURES OF FRIENDLY CRITICISM
From The Critic'
Scene: The lodgings of Mr. and Mrs. Dangle. Enter Servant.
- Sir Fretful Plagiary, sir.
SERVA Dangle-Beg him to walk up. [Exit Servant. ] Now,
Mrs. Dangle, Sir Fretful Plagiary is an author to your own
taste.
Mrs. Dangle-I confess he is a favorite of mine, because
everybody else abuses him.
Sneer- Very much to the credit of your charity, madam, if
not of your judgment.
Dangle - But, egad, he allows no merit to any author but
himself; that's the truth on't-though he's my friend.
Sneer - Never! He is as envious as an old maid verging on
the desperation of six-and-thirty.
Dangle-Very true, egad- though he's my friend.
Sneer-Then his affected contempt of all newspaper strict-
ures; though at the same time he is the sorest man alive, and
## p. 13356 (#162) ##########################################
13356
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
shrinks like scorched parchment from the fiery ordeal of true crit-
icism.
Dangle-There's no denying it-though he is my friend.
Sneer-You have read the tragedy he has just finished, have-
n't you?
Dangle-Oh yes: he sent it to me yesterday.
Sneer-Well, and you think it execrable, don't you?
Dangle-Why, between ourselves, egad, I must own-though
he's my friend- that it is one of the most- [Aside. ] He's
here. [Aloud]-finished and most admirable perform —
Sir Fretful [without]—Mr. Sneer with him, did you say?
-
Dangle-Ah, my dear friend! Egad, we were just speaking
of your tragedy. Admirable, Sir Fretful, admirable!
Sneer-You never did anything beyond it, Sir Fretful,-never
in your life.
Sir Fretful-You make me extremely happy; for without a
compliment, my dear Sneer, there isn't a man in the world whose
judgment I value as I do yours—and Mr. Dangle's.
Mrs. Dangle - They are only laughing at you, Sir Fretful; for
it was but just now that-
Dangle Mrs. Dangle! Ah, Sir Fretful, you know Mrs. Dan-
gle. My friend Sneer was rallying just now - he knows how she
admires you, and
Sir Fretful-O Lord, I am sure Mr. Sneer has more taste
and sincerity than to [Aside. ] A damned double-faced fel-
low!
Enter Sir Fretful
—
Dangle-Yes, yes, Sneer will jest-but a better-humored-
Sir Fretful-Oh, I know-
Dangle-He has a ready turn for ridicule; his wit costs him.
-
—
nothing.
Sir Fretful [aside] - No, egad—or I should wonder how he
came by it.
Dangle-But, Sir Fretful, have you sent your play to the
managers yet? or can I be of any service to you?
Sir Fretful-No, no, I thank you: I sent it to the manager
of Covent Garden Theatre this morning.
Sneer I should have thought, now, that it might have been
cast (as the actors call it) better at Drury Lane.
## p. 13357 (#163) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13357
Sir Fretful-O Lud! no- never send a play there while I
Hark'ee!
live-
[Whispers to Sneer.
――――
Sneer-"Writes himself! " I know he does.
Sir Fretful-I say nothing-I take away from no man's
meritam hurt at no man's good fortune; I say nothing. But
this I will say,- Through all my knowledge of life, I have
observed that there is not a passion so strongly rooted in the
human heart as envy!
Sneer - I believe you have reason for what you say, indeed.
Sir Fretful-Besides, I can tell you it is not always so safe
to leave a play in the hands of those who write themselves.
## p. 13347 (#153) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13347
you capable of everything that is bad. Yes, madam, I now
believe the reports relative to you and Charles, madam. Yes,
madam, you and Charles are, not without grounds-
Lady Teazle-Take care, Sir Peter! you had better not in-
sinuate any such thing! I'll not be suspected without cause, I
promise you.
Sir Peter - Very well, madam! very well! A separate main-
tenance as soon as you please. Yes, madam; or a divorce! I'll
make an example of myself for the benefit of all old bachelors.
Let us separate, madam.
Lady Teazle - Agreed! agreed! And now, my dear Sir Peter,
we are of a mind once more, we may be the happiest couple,
and never differ again, you know: ha! ha! ha! Well, you are
going to be in a passion, I see, and I shall only interrupt you
so, by-by! .
[Exit.
Sir Peter-Plagues and tortures! can't I make her angry
either? Oh, I am the most miserable fellow! But I'll not bear
her presuming to keep her temper: no! she may break my heart,
but she shan't keep her temper.
[Exit.
AUCTIONING OFF ONE'S RELATIVES
From the School for Scandal'
(
[Charles Surface, an amiable but dissipated young man of fashion, has
decided to raise money for his pastimes by selling to a supposed "broker »
his last salable property, the family portraits. The purchaser of them, under
the name of "Mr. Premium," is Charles's uncle, Sir Oliver Surface; who in
disguise, desires to study his graceless nephew's character and extravagances.
The scene is the disfurnished mansion of Charles in London; and he is at
table with several friends when the feigned Mr. Premium is presented. ]
CH
HARLES SURFACE [to Sir Oliver] — Mr. Premium, my friend
Moses is a very honest fellow, but a little slow at expres-
sion: he'll be an hour giving us our titles. Mr. Premium,
the plain state of the matter is this: I am an extravagant young
fellow who wants to borrow money; you I take to be a prudent
old fellow who have got money to lend. I am blockhead enough
to give fifty per cent. sooner than not have it; and you, I pre-
sume, are rogue enough to take a hundred if you can get it.
Now, sir, you see we are acquainted at once, and may proceed to
business without further ceremony.
## p. 13348 (#154) ##########################################
13348
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Sir Oliver - Exceeding frank, upon my word. I see, sir, you
are not a man of many compliments.
Charles - Oh no, sir! plain dealing in business I always think
best.
Sir Oliver-Sir, I like you the better for it. However, you
are mistaken in one thing: I have no money to lend, but I
believe I could procure some of a friend; but then he's an un-
conscionable dog. Isn't he, Moses? And must sell stock to
accommodate you. Mustn't he, Moses?
Moses - Yes, indeed! You know I always speak the truth,
and scorn to tell a lie!
Charles Right. People that speak truth generally do. But
these are trifles, Mr. Premium. What! I know money isn't to be
bought without paying for't!
Sir Oliver-Well, but what security could you give? You
have no land, I suppose?
Charles-Not a mole-hill, nor a twig, but what's in the
bough-pots out of the window!
Sir Oliver-Nor any stock, I presume?
Charles-Nothing but live-stock—and that only a few pointers
and ponies. But pray, Mr. Premium, are you acquainted at all
with any of my connections?
Sir Oliver Why, to say truth, I am.
Charles-Then you must know that I have a devilish rich
uncle in the East Indies-Sir Oliver Surface - from whom I have
the greatest expectations?
――――
Sir Oliver-That you have a wealthy uncle, I have heard;
but how your expectations will turn out is more, I believe, than
you can tell.
Charles-Oh, no! there can be no doubt. They tell me I'm
a prodigious favorite, and that he talks of leaving me every-
thing.
Sir Oliver - Indeed! This is the first I've heard of it.
Charles - Yes, yes, 'tis just so. Moses knows 'tis true; don't
you, Moses?
Moses-Oh, yes! I'll swear to't.
Sir Oliver [aside]-Egad, they'll persuade me presently I'm
at Bengal.
Charles-Now I propose, Mr. Premium, if it's agreeable to
you, a post-obit on Sir Oliver's life; though at the same time the
old fellow has been so liberal to me, that I give you my word I
should be very sorry to hear that anything had happened to him.
## p. 13349 (#155) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13349
Sir Oliver. Not more than I should, I assure you. But the
bond you mention happens to be just the worst security you
could offer me- for I might live to a hundred and never see the
principal.
―――
Charles-Oh yes, you would! The moment Sir Oliver dies,
you know, you would come on me for the money.
Sir Oliver - Then I believe I should be the most unwelcome
dun you ever had in your life.
Charles-What!
I suppose you're afraid that Sir Oliver is
mium?
too good a life?
Sir Oliver-No, indeed I am not; though I have heard he is
as hale and healthy as any man of his years in Christendom.
Charles-There again, now, you are misinformed. No, no:
the climate has hurt him considerably-poor Uncle Oliver. Yes,
yes, he breaks apace, I'm told-and is so much altered lately
that his nearest relations would not know him.
Sir Oliver-No! Ha! ha! ha! so much altered lately that
his nearest relations would not know him! Ha! ha! ha! egad-
ha ha ha!
Charles-Ha! ha! ha! - you're glad to hear that, little Pre-
Sir Oliver- No, no, I'm not.
Charles - Yes, yes, you are -ha! ha! ha!
-
- you know that
mends your chance.
Sir Oliver-But I'm told Sir Oliver is coming over; nay,
some say he is actually arrived.
Charles - Psha! sure I must know better than you whether
he's come or not. No, no: rely on't he's at this moment at
Calcutta. Isn't he, Moses?
Moses - Oh, yes, certainly.
Sir Oliver - Very true, as you say, you must know better
than I; though I have it from pretty good authority. Haven't I,
Moses?
Moses - Yes, most undoubted!
―
Sir Oliver - But, sir, as I understand you want a few hun-
dreds immediately, is there nothing you could dispose of?
Charles-How do you mean?
Sir Oliver-For instance, now, I have heard that your father
left behind him a great quantity of massy old plate.
Charles-O Lud! that's gone long ago. Moses can tell you
how better than I can.
## p. 13350 (#156) ##########################################
13350
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Sir Oliver [aside] - Good lack! all the family race cups and
corporation bowls! [Aloud. ] Then it was also supposed that
his library was one of the most valuable and compact.
Charles-Yes, yes, so it was,-vastly too much so for a
private gentleman. For my part, I was always of a communicat-
ive disposition, so I thought it a shame to keep so much knowl-
edge to myself.
Sir Oliver [aside] - Mercy upon me! learning that had run
in the family like an heirloom! [Aloud. ] Pray, what are be-
come of the books?
Charles-You must inquire of the auctioneer, Master Pre-
mium; for I don't believe even Moses can direct you.
Moses I know nothing of books.
Sir Oliver-So, so: nothing of the family property left, I
suppose?
――
Charles-Not much, indeed; unless you have a mind to the
family pictures. I have got a room full of ancestors above; and
if you have a taste for old paintings, egad, you shall have 'em a
bargain!
Sir Oliver-Hey! what the devil! sure, you wouldn't sell
your forefathers, would you?
Charles-Every man of them, to the best bidder.
Sir Oliver-What! your great-uncles and aunts?
Charles-Ay; and my great-grandfathers and grandmothers
too.
Sir Oliver [aside] - Now I give him up! [Aloud. ] What the
plague, have you no bowels for your own kindred? Odds life!
do you take me for Shylock in the play, that you would raise
money of me on your own flesh and blood?
Charles-Nay, my little broker, don't be angry: what need
you care, if you have your money's worth?
Sir Oliver - Well, I'll be the purchaser: I think I can dispose
of the family canvas. [Aside. ] Oh, I'll never forgive him this!
never!
--
Careless-Come, Charles, what keeps you?
Charles I can't come yet. I' faith, we are going to have a
sale above-stairs; here's little Premium will buy all my ances-
tors!
Careless
Enter Careless
—
- Oh, burn your ancestors!
## p. 13351 (#157) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13351
Charles No, he may do that afterwards if he pleases. Stay,
Careless, we want you: egad, you shall be auctioneer; so come
along with us.
I can handle
Careless-Oh, have with you, if that's the case.
a hammer as well as a dice-box! Going! going!
Sir Oliver [aside]-Oh, the profligates!
Charles - Come, Moses, you shall be appraiser, if we want
Gad's life, little Premium, you don't seem to like the busi-
one.
ness?
Sir Oliver -Oh, yes, I do, vastly! Ha! ha! ha! yes, yes, I
think it a rare joke to sell one's family by auction-ha! ha!
[Aside. ] Oh, the prodigal!
Charles-To be sure! when a man wants money, where the
plague should he get assistance if he can't make free with his
own relations?
[Exeunt.
Sir Oliver [aside, as they go out] - I'll never forgive him;
never! never!
Scene: A picture room in Charles Surface's house. Enter Charles Sur-
face, Sir Oliver Surface, Moses, and Careless.
Charles Walk in, gentlemen, pray walk in-here they are:
the family of the Surfaces, up to the Conquest.
Sir Oliver-And in my opinion, a goodly collection.
1
Charles-Ay, ay, these are done in the true spirit of portrait-
painting; no volontière grace or expression. Not like the works of
your modern Raphaels, who give you the strongest resemblance,
yet contrive to make your portrait independent of you; so that
you may sink the original and not hurt the picture. No, no: the
merit of these is the inveterate likeness-all stiff and awkward
as the originals, and like nothing in human nature besides.
Sir Oliver-Ah! we shall never see such figures of men
again.
-
Charles I hope not. Well, you see, Master Premium, what
a domestic character I am; here I sit of an evening surrounded
by my family. But come, get to your pulpit, Mr. Auctioneer;
here's an old gouty chair of my grandfather's will answer the
purpose.
-
Careless - Ay, ay, this will do. But, Charles, I haven't a
hammer; and what's an auctioneer without his hammer?
Charles-Egad, that's true.
What parchment have we here?
Oh, our genealogy in full. [Taking the pedigree down. ] Here,
## p. 13352 (#158) ##########################################
13352
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Careless, you shall have no common bit of mahogany: here's
the family tree for you, you rogue! This shall be your hammer,
and now you may knock down my ancestors with their own pedi-
gree.
Sir Oliver [aside] - What an unnatural rogue! -an ex post
facto parricide!
Careless- Yes, yes, here's a list of your generation indeed.
'Faith, Charles, this is the most convenient thing you could
have found for the business, for 'twill not only serve as a ham-
mer, but a catalogue into the bargain. Come, begin- A-going,
a-going, a-going!
Charles Bravo, Careless! Well, here's my great-uncle, Sir
Richard Raveline: a marvelous good general in his day, I assure
you. He served in all the Duke of Marlborough's wars, and
got that cut over his eye at the battle of Malplaquet. What say
you, Mr. Premium? Look at him—there's a hero! not cut out
of his feathers, as your modern clipped captains are, but envel-
oped in wig and regimentals, as a general should be. What do
you bid?
—
Sir Oliver [aside to Moses] - Bid him speak.
Moses Mr. Premium would have you speak.
Charles-Why, then, he shall have him for ten pounds; and
I'm sure that's not dear for a staff-officer.
――
Sir Oliver [aside] — Heaven deliver me! his famous uncle
Richard for ten pounds! [Aloud. ] Very well, sir, I take him
at that.
Charles Careless, knock down my uncle Richard. Here
now is a maiden sister of his, my great-aunt Deborah; done by
Kneller in his best manner, and esteemed a very formidable like-
ness. There she is, you see: a shepherdess feeding her flock.
You shall have her for five pounds ten,-the sheep are worth
the money.
-
Sir Oliver [aside]—Ah! poor Deborah! a woman who set
such a value on herself! [Aloud. ] Five pounds ten-she's
mine.
Charles-Knock down my aunt Deborah! Here now are two
that were a sort of cousins of theirs. You see, Moses, these
pictures were done some time ago, when beaux wore wigs, and
the ladies their own hair.
Sir Oliver - Yes, truly, head-dresses appear to have been a
little lower in those days.
## p. 13353 (#159) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13353
Charles-Well, take that couple for the same.
Moses 'Tis a good bargain.
-
Charles-Careless! - This now is a grandfather of my moth-
er's; a learned judge, well known on the western circuit. What
do you rate him at, Moses?
Moses-Four guineas.
Charles-Four guineas!
―――――
Gad's life, you don't bid me the
price of his wig.
Mr. Premium, you have more respect for the
woolsack: do let us knock his Lordship down at fifteen.
Sir Oliver
By all means.
Careless-Gone!
Charles-And there are two brothers of his, William and
Walter Blunt, Esquires, both members of Parliament, and noted
speakers; and what's very extraordinary, I believe this is the
first time they were ever bought or sold.
Sir Oliver-That is very extraordinary, indeed! I'll take
them at your own price, for the honor of Parliament.
Careless-Well said, little Premium! I'll knock them down
at forty.
Charles-Here's a jolly fellow-I don't know what relation,
but he was mayor of Norwich: take him at eight pounds.
Sir Oliver - No, no: six will do for the mayor.
-
Charles-Come, make it guineas, and I'll throw you the two
aldermen there into the bargain.
Sir Oliver-They're mine.
Charles-Careless, knock down the mayor and aldermen. But
plague on't! we shall be all day retailing in this manner: do let
us deal wholesale; what say you, little Premium? Give me three
hundred pounds for the rest of the family in the lump.
Careless-Ay, ay: that will be the best way.
Sir Oliver-Well, well,-anything to accommodate you: they
are mine. But there is one portrait which you have always
passed over.
Careless-What, that ill-looking little fellow over the set-
tee?
Sir Oliver - Yes, sir, I mean that; though I don't think him
so ill-looking a little fellow, by any means.
Charles-What, that? Oh, that's my Uncle Oliver! 'Twas
done before he went to India.
Careless-Your Uncle Oliver! Gad, then you'll never be
friends, Charles. That now, to me, is as stern a looking rogue
as ever I saw; an unforgiving eye, and a damned disinheriting
## p. 13354 (#160) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13354
countenance! an inveterate knave, depend on't.
so, little Premium ?
Don't you think
Sir Oliver-Upon my soul, sir, I do not: I think it is as
honest a looking face as any in the room, dead or alive. But I
suppose Uncle Oliver goes with the rest of the lumber?
Charles-No, hang it! I'll not part with poor Noll. The old
fellow has been very good to me, and egad, I'll keep his picture
while I've a room to put it in.
Sir Oliver [aside]-The rogue's my nephew after all! -
[Aloud. ] But, sir, I have somehow taken a fancy to that pict-
ure.
Charles-I'm sorry for't, for you certainly will not have it.
Oons! haven't you got enough of them?
Sir Oliver [aside]-I forgive him everything! [Aloud. ] But,
sir, when I take a whim in my head, I don't value money. I'll
give you as much for that as for all the rest.
Charles-Don't tease me, master broker: I tell you I'll not
part with it, and there's an end of it.
Sir Oliver [aside]-How like his father the dog is! [Aloud. ]
Well, well, I have done. [Aside. ] I did not perceive it before,
but I think I never saw such a striking resemblance. [Aloud. ]
Here is a draught for your sum.
Charles-Why, 'tis for eight hundred pounds!
Sir Oliver-You will not let Sir Oliver go?
Charles-Zounds! no, I tell you, once more.
Sir Oliver-Then never mind the difference: we'll balance
that another time. But give me your hand on the bargain; you
are an honest fellow, Charles-I beg pardon, sir, for being so
free. Come, Moses.
Charles-Egad, this is a whimsical old fellow! -But hark'ee,
Premium, you'll prepare lodgings for these gentlemen.
Sir Oliver - Yes, yes; I'll send for them in a day or two.
Charles-But hold,-do now send a genteel conveyance for
them; for I assure you they were most of them used to ride in
their own carriages.
Sir Oliver-I will, I will-for all but Oliver.
Charles-Ay, all but the little nabob.
Sir Oliver - You're fixed on that?
-
Charles Peremptorily.
Sir Oliver [aside] - A dear extravagant rogue! [Aloud. ]
[Aside. ] Let me hear now
who
Good-day! Come, Moses.
dares call him a profligate!
[Exit with Moses.
-
―
## p. 13355 (#161) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13355
Careless-Why, this is the oddest genius of the sort I ever
met with.
Charles- Egad, he's the prince of brokers, I think. I wonder
how the devil Moses got acquainted with so honest a fellow. -
Ha! here's Rowley. -Do, Careless, say I'll join the company in a
few moments.
Careless-I will-but don't let that old blockhead persuade
you to squander any of that money on old musty debts, or any
such nonsense; for tradesmen, Charles, are the most exorbitant
fellows.
Charles - Very true; and paying them is only encouraging
them.
Careless-Nothing else.
Charles-Ay, ay, never fear. [Exit Careless. ] So! this was
an odd old fellow, indeed. Let me see: two-thirds of these five
hundred and thirty odd pounds are mine by right. 'Fore heaven!
I find one's ancestors are more valuable relations than I took
them for! - Ladies and gentlemen, your most obedient and very
grateful servant.
[Bows ceremoniously to the pictures.
THE PLEASURES OF FRIENDLY CRITICISM
From The Critic'
Scene: The lodgings of Mr. and Mrs. Dangle. Enter Servant.
- Sir Fretful Plagiary, sir.
SERVA Dangle-Beg him to walk up. [Exit Servant. ] Now,
Mrs. Dangle, Sir Fretful Plagiary is an author to your own
taste.
Mrs. Dangle-I confess he is a favorite of mine, because
everybody else abuses him.
Sneer- Very much to the credit of your charity, madam, if
not of your judgment.
Dangle - But, egad, he allows no merit to any author but
himself; that's the truth on't-though he's my friend.
Sneer - Never! He is as envious as an old maid verging on
the desperation of six-and-thirty.
Dangle-Very true, egad- though he's my friend.
Sneer-Then his affected contempt of all newspaper strict-
ures; though at the same time he is the sorest man alive, and
## p. 13356 (#162) ##########################################
13356
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
shrinks like scorched parchment from the fiery ordeal of true crit-
icism.
Dangle-There's no denying it-though he is my friend.
Sneer-You have read the tragedy he has just finished, have-
n't you?
Dangle-Oh yes: he sent it to me yesterday.
Sneer-Well, and you think it execrable, don't you?
Dangle-Why, between ourselves, egad, I must own-though
he's my friend- that it is one of the most- [Aside. ] He's
here. [Aloud]-finished and most admirable perform —
Sir Fretful [without]—Mr. Sneer with him, did you say?
-
Dangle-Ah, my dear friend! Egad, we were just speaking
of your tragedy. Admirable, Sir Fretful, admirable!
Sneer-You never did anything beyond it, Sir Fretful,-never
in your life.
Sir Fretful-You make me extremely happy; for without a
compliment, my dear Sneer, there isn't a man in the world whose
judgment I value as I do yours—and Mr. Dangle's.
Mrs. Dangle - They are only laughing at you, Sir Fretful; for
it was but just now that-
Dangle Mrs. Dangle! Ah, Sir Fretful, you know Mrs. Dan-
gle. My friend Sneer was rallying just now - he knows how she
admires you, and
Sir Fretful-O Lord, I am sure Mr. Sneer has more taste
and sincerity than to [Aside. ] A damned double-faced fel-
low!
Enter Sir Fretful
—
Dangle-Yes, yes, Sneer will jest-but a better-humored-
Sir Fretful-Oh, I know-
Dangle-He has a ready turn for ridicule; his wit costs him.
-
—
nothing.
Sir Fretful [aside] - No, egad—or I should wonder how he
came by it.
Dangle-But, Sir Fretful, have you sent your play to the
managers yet? or can I be of any service to you?
Sir Fretful-No, no, I thank you: I sent it to the manager
of Covent Garden Theatre this morning.
Sneer I should have thought, now, that it might have been
cast (as the actors call it) better at Drury Lane.
## p. 13357 (#163) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13357
Sir Fretful-O Lud! no- never send a play there while I
Hark'ee!
live-
[Whispers to Sneer.
――――
Sneer-"Writes himself! " I know he does.
Sir Fretful-I say nothing-I take away from no man's
meritam hurt at no man's good fortune; I say nothing. But
this I will say,- Through all my knowledge of life, I have
observed that there is not a passion so strongly rooted in the
human heart as envy!
Sneer - I believe you have reason for what you say, indeed.
Sir Fretful-Besides, I can tell you it is not always so safe
to leave a play in the hands of those who write themselves.
