No More Learning

MY BELOVED MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH,--All is over! The die is cast! What my lot
may have in store I know not, but I am submissive to the will of God.
Tomorrow, then, we depart. For the last time, I take my leave of you, my
friend beyond price, my benefactor, my dear one! Do not grieve for me,
but try to live happily. Think of me sometimes, and may the blessing
of Almighty God light upon you! For myself, I shall often have you in
remembrance, and recall you in my prayers. Thus our time together
has come to an end. Little comfort in my new life shall I derive
from memories of the past. The more, therefore, shall I cherish the
recollection of you, and the dearer will you ever be to my heart. Here,
you have been my only friend; here, you alone have loved me. Yes, I have
seen all, I have known all--I have throughout known how well you love
me. A single smile of mine, a single stroke from my pen, has been able
to make you happy. . . . But now you must forget me. . . . How lonely you will
be! Why should you stay here at all, kind, inestimable, but solitary,
friend of mine?

To your care I entrust the book, the embroidery frame, and the letter
upon which I had begun. When you look upon the few words which the
letter contains you will be able mentally to read in thought all that
you would have liked further to hear or receive from me--all that I
would so gladly have written, but can never now write. Think sometimes
of your poor little Barbara who loved you so well. All your letters I
have left behind me in the top drawer of Thedora’s chest of drawers. . .
You write that you are ill, but Monsieur Bwikov will not let me leave
the house today; so that I can only write to you. Also, I will write
again before long. That is a promise. Yet God only knows when I shall be
able to do so. . . .

Now we must bid one another forever farewell, my friend, my beloved,
my own! Yes, it must be forever! Ah, how at this moment I could embrace
you! Goodbye, dear friend--goodbye, goodbye! May you ever rest well and
happy! To the end I shall keep you in my prayers. How my heart is
aching under its load of sorrow! . . . Monsieur Bwikov is just calling for
me. . . . --Your ever loving

B.

P. S. --My heart is full! It is full to bursting of tears! Sorrow has me
in its grip, and is tearing me to pieces. Goodbye. My God, what grief!
Do not, do not forget your poor Barbara!



BELOVED BARBARA--MY JEWEL, MY PRICELESS ONE,--You are now almost en
route, you are now just about to depart! Would that they had torn my
heart out of my breast rather than have taken you away from me! How
could you allow it? You weep, yet you go! And only this moment I have
received from you a letter stained with your tears! It must be that
you are departing unwillingly; it must be that you are being abducted
against your will; it must be that you are sorry for me; it must be
that--that you LOVE me! . . .

Yet how will it fare with you now? Your heart will soon have become
chilled and sick and depressed. Grief will soon have sucked away its
life; grief will soon have rent it in twain! Yes, you will die where you
be, and be laid to rest in the cold, moist earth where there is no one
to bewail you. Monsieur Bwikov will only be hunting hares! . . .

Ah, my darling, my darling! WHY did you come to this decision? How could
you bring yourself to take such a step? What have you done, have you
done, have you done? Soon they will be carrying you away to the tomb;
soon your beauty will have become defiled, my angel. Ah, dearest one,
you are as weak as a feather. And where have I been all this time? What
have I been thinking of? I have treated you merely as a forward child
whose head was aching. Fool that I was, I neither saw nor understood.
I have behaved as though, right or wrong, the matter was in no way my
concern. Yes, I have been running about after fripperies! . . . Ah, but I
WILL leave my bed. Tomorrow I WILL rise sound and well, and be once more
myself. . . .

Dearest, I could throw myself under the wheels of a passing vehicle
rather than that you should go like this. By what right is it being
done? . . . I will go with you; I will run behind your carriage if you will
not take me--yes, I will run, and run so long as the power is in me, and
until my breath shall have failed. Do you know whither you are going?
Perhaps you will not know, and will have to ask me? Before you there
lie the Steppes, my darling--only the Steppes, the naked Steppes, the
Steppes that are as bare as the palm of my hand. THERE there live only
heartless old women and rude peasants and drunkards. THERE the trees
have already shed their leaves. THERE there abide but rain and cold. Why
should you go thither? True, Monsieur Bwikov will have his diversions in
that country--he will be able to hunt the hare; but what of yourself? Do
you wish to become a mere estate lady? Nay; look at yourself, my seraph
of heaven. Are you in any way fitted for such a role? How could you
play it? To whom should I write letters? To whom should I send these
missives? Whom should I call “my darling”? To whom should I apply that
name of endearment? Where, too, could I find you?

When you are gone, Barbara, I shall die--for certain I shall die, for my
heart cannot bear this misery. I love you as I love the light of God;
I love you as my own daughter; to you I have devoted my love in its
entirety; only for you have I lived at all; only because you were near
me have I worked and copied manuscripts and committed my views to paper
under the guise of friendly letters.

Perhaps you did not know all this, but it has been so. How, then, my
beloved, could you bring yourself to leave me? Nay, you MUST not go--it
is impossible, it is sheerly, it is utterly, impossible. The rain will
fall upon you, and you are weak, and will catch cold. The floods will
stop your carriage. No sooner will it have passed the city barriers than
it will break down, purposely break down. Here, in St. Petersburg, they
are bad builders of carriages. Yes, I know well these carriage-builders.
They are jerry-builders who can fashion a toy, but nothing that is
durable. Yes, I swear they can make nothing that is durable. . . . All that
I can do is to go upon my knees before Monsieur Bwikov, and to tell him
all, to tell him all. Do you also tell him all, dearest, and reason with
him. Tell him that you MUST remain here, and must not go. Ah, why did he
not marry that merchant’s daughter in Moscow? Let him go and marry her
now. She would suit him far better and for reasons which I well know.
Then I could keep you. For what is he to you, this Monsieur Bwikov? Why
has he suddenly become so dear to your heart? Is it because he can buy
you gewgaws? What are THEY? What use are THEY? They are so much rubbish.
One should consider human life rather than mere finery.

Nevertheless, as soon as I have received my next instalment of salary I
mean to buy you a new cloak. I mean to buy it at a shop with which I
am acquainted. Only, you must wait until my next installment is due, my
angel of a Barbara. Ah, God, my God! To think that you are going away
into the Steppes with Monsieur Bwikov--that you are going away never
to return! . . . Nay, nay, but you SHALL write to me. You SHALL write me
a letter as soon as you have started, even if it be your last letter of
all, my dearest. Yet will it be your last letter? How has it come about
so suddenly, so irrevocably, that this letter should be your last? Nay,
nay; I will write, and you shall write--yes, NOW, when at length I am
beginning to improve my style. Style? I do not know what I am writing. I
never do know what I am writing. I could not possibly know, for I never
read over what I have written, nor correct its orthography. At the
present moment, I am writing merely for the sake of writing, and to put
as much as possible into this last letter of mine. . . .

Ah, dearest, my pet, my own darling! . . .






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