No More Learning

(Sends a glance to the Vaynor man, who tries vainly to
combine a mouthful of ice pudding, a smirk of self-satisfaction, a glare
of intense devotion, and the stolidity of a British dining countenance. )

Capt. G. (Critically. ) He doesn't look pretty. Why didn't you wait till
the spoon was out of his mouth?

Mrs. H. To amuse you. She'll make an exhibition of you as I've made of
him; and people will laugh at you. Oh, Pip, can't you see that? It's
as plain as the noonday Sun. You'll be trotted about and told lies, and
made a fool of like the others. I never made a fool of you, did I?

Capt. G. (Aside. ) What a clever little woman it is!

Mrs. H. Well, what have you to say?

Capt. G. I feel better.

Mrs. H. Yes, I suppose so, after I have come down to your level. I
couldn't have done it if I hadn't cared for you so much. I have spoken
the truth.

Capt. G. It doesn't alter the situation.

Mrs. H. (Passionately. ) Then she has said that she cares for you! Don't
believe her, Pip. It's a lie--as bad as yours to me!

Capt. G. Ssssteady! I've a notion that a friend of yours is looking at
you.

Mrs. H. He! I hate him. He introduced you to me.

Capt. G. (Aside. ) And some people would like women to assist in making
the laws. Introduction to imply condonement. (Aloud. ) Well, you see, if
you can remember so far back as that, I couldn't, in common politeness,
refuse the offer.

Mrs. H. In common politeness I--We have got beyond that!

Capt. G. (Aside. ) Old ground means fresh trouble. (Aloud. ) On my honor--

Mrs. H. Your what? Ha, ha!

Capt. G. Dishonor, then. She's not what you imagine. I meant to--

Mrs. H. Don't tell me anything about her! She won't care for you, and
when you come back, after having made an exhibition of yourself, you'll
find me occupied with--

Capt. G. (Insolently. ) You couldn't while I am alive. (Aside. ) If that
doesn't bring her pride to her rescue, nothing will.

Mrs. H. (Drawing herself up. ) Couldn't do it? I--(Softening. ) You're
right. I don't believe I could--though you are what you are--a coward
and a liar in grain.

Capt. G. It doesn't hurt so much after your little lecture--with
demonstrations.

Mrs. H. One mass of vanity! Will nothing ever touch you in this life?
There must be a Hereafter if it's only for the benefit of--But you will
have it all to yourself.

Capt. G. (Under his eyebrows. ) Are you certain of that?

Mrs. H. I shall have had mine in this life; and it will serve me right,

Capt. G. But the admiration that you insisted on so strongly a moment
ago? (Aside. ) Oh, I am a brute!

Mrs. H. (Fiercely. ) Will that console me for knowing that you will go to
her with the same words, the same arguments, and the--the same pet names
you used to me? And if she cares for you, you two will laugh over my
story. Won't that be punishment heavy enough even for me--even for
me? --And it's all useless. That's another punishment.

Capt. G. (Feebly. ) Oh, come! I'm not so low as you think.

Mrs. H. Not now, perhaps, but you will be. Oh, Pip, if a woman flatters
your vanity, there's nothing on earth that you would not tell her; and
no meanness that you would not do. Have I known you so long without
knowing that?

Capt. G. If you can trust me in nothing else--and I don't see why I
should be trusted--you can count upon my holding my tongue.

Mrs. H. If you denied everything you've said this evening and declared
it was all in fun (a long pause), I'd trust you. Not otherwise. All
I ask is, don't tell her my name. Please don't. A man might forget: a
woman never would. (Looks up table and sees hostess beginning to collect
eyes. ) So it's all ended, through no fault of mine--Haven't I behaved
beautifully? I've accepted your dismissal, and you managed it as cruelly
as you could, and I have made you respect my sex, haven't I? (Arranging
gloves and fan. ) I only pray that she'll know you some day as I know you
now. I wouldn't be you then, for I think even your conceit will be
hurt. I hope she'll pay you back the humiliation you've brought on me.
I hope--No. I don't! I can't give you up! I must have something to look
forward to or I shall go crazy. When it's all over, come back to me,
come back to me, and you'll find that you're my Pip still!

Capt. G. (Very clearly. ) False move, and you pay for it. It's a girl!

Mrs. H. (Rising. ) Then it was true! They said--but I wouldn't insult you
by asking. A girl! I was a girl not very long ago. Be good to her, Pip.
I daresay she believes in you.

Goes out with an uncertain smile. He watches her through the door, and
settles into a chair as the men redistribute themselves.

Capt. G. Now, if there is any Power who looks after this world, will He
kindly tell me what I have done? (Reaching out for the claret, and half
aloud. ) What have I done?




WITH ANY AMAZEMENT

And are not afraid with any amazement. --Marriage Service.

SCENE. bachelor's bedroom-toilet-table arranged with unnatural neatness.

CAPTAIN GADSBY asleep and snoring heavily. Time, 10:30 A. M. --a glorious
autumn day at Simla. Enter delicately Captain MAFFLIN of GADSBY's
regiment. Looks at sleeper, and shakes his head murmuring "Poor Gaddy. "
Performs violent fantasia with hair-brushes on chairback.

Capt. M. Wake up, my sleeping beauty! (Roars. )

"Uprouse ye, then, my merry merry men!
It is our opening day!
It is our opening da-ay! "

Gaddy, the little dicky-birds have been billing and cooing for ever so
long; and I'm here!

Capt. G. (Sitting up and yawning. ) Mornin'. This is awf'ly good of
you, old fellow. Most awf'ly good of you. Don't know what I should do
without you. 'Pon my soul, I don't. 'Haven't slept a wink all night.

Capt. M. I didn't get in till half-past eleven. 'Had a look at you then,
and you seemed to be sleeping as soundly as a condemned criminal.

Capt. G.
Jack, if you want to make those disgustingly worn-out jokes,
you'd better go away. (With portentous gravity. ) It's the happiest day
in my life.

Capt. M. (Chuckling grimly. ) Not by a very long chalk, my son. You're
going through some of the most refined torture you've ever known. But be
calm. I am with you. 'Shun! Dress!

Capt. G. Eh! Wha-at?

Capt. M. Do you suppose that you are your own master for the next twelve
hours? If you do, of course--(Makes for the door. )

Capt. G. No! For Goodness' sake, old man, don't do that! You'll see me
through, won't you? I've been mugging up that beastly drill, and can't
remember a line of it.

Capt. M. (Overturning G. 's uniform. ) Go and tub. Don't bother me. I'll
give you ten minutes to dress in.

INTERVAL, filled by the noise as of one splashing in the bath-room. .

Capt. G. (Emerging from dressing-room. ) What time is it?

Capt. M. Nearly eleven.

Capt. G. Five hours more. O Lord!

Capt. M. (Aside. ) 'First sign of funk, that. 'Wonder if it's going to
spread. (Aloud. ) Come along to breakfast.

Capt. G. I can't eat anything. I don't want any breakfast.

Capt. M. (Aside. ) So early! (Aloud) CAPTAIN Gadsby, I order you to eat
breakfast, and a dashed good breakfast, too. None of your bridal airs
and graces with me!

Leads G. downstairs and stands over him while he eats two chops.

Capt. G. (Who has looked at his watch thrice in the last five minutes. )
What time is it?

Capt. M. Time to come for a walk. Light up.

Capt. G. I haven't smoked for ten days, and I won't now. (Takes cheroot
which M. has cut for him, and blows smoke through his nose luxuriously. )
We aren't going down the Mall, are we?

Capt. M. (Aside. ) They're all alike in these stages. (Aloud. ) No, my
Vestal. We're going along the quietest road we can find.

Capt. G. Any chance of seeing Her?

Capt. M. Innocent! No! Come along, and, if you want me for the final
obsequies, don't cut my eye out with your stick.

Capt. G. (Spinning round. ) I say, isn't She the dearest creature that
ever walked? What's the time? What comes after "wilt thou take this
woman"?

Capt. M. You go for the ring. R'c'lect it'll be on the top of my
right-hand little finger, and just be careful how you draw it off,
because I shall have the Verger's fees somewhere in my glove.

Capt. G. (Walking forward hastily. ) D--the Verger! Come along! It's past
twelve and I haven't seen Her since yesterday evening. (Spinning round
again. ) She's an absolute angel, Jack, and She's a dashed deal too good
for me. Look here, does She come up the aisle on my arm, or how?

Capt. M. If I thought that there was the least chance of your
remembering anything for two consecutive minutes, I'd tell you. Stop
passaging about like that!

Capt. G. (Halting in the middle of the road. ) I say, Jack.

Capt. M. Keep quiet for another ten minutes if you can, you lunatic; and
walk!

The two tramp at five miles an hour for fifteen minutes.

Capt. G. What's the time? How about the cursed wedding-cake and the
slippers? They don't throw 'em about in church, do they?

Capt. M. Invariably. The Padre leads off with his boots.

Capt. G. Confound your silly soul! Don't make fun of me. I can't stand
it, and I won't!

Capt. M. (Untroubled. ) So-ooo, old horse You'll have to sleep for a
couple of hours this afternoon.

Capt. G. (Spinning round. ) I'm not going to be treated like a dashed
child, understand that.

Capt. M. (Aside. ) Nerves gone to fiddle-strings. What a day we're
having! (Tenderly putting his hand on G. 's shoulder. ) My David, how long
have you known this Jonathan? Would I come up here to make a fool of
you--after all these years?

Capt. G. (Penitently. ) I know, I know, Jack--but I'm as upset as I can
be. Don't mind what I say. Just hear me run through the drill and see if
I've got it all right:--"To have and to hold for better or worse, as it
was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end, so
help me God. Amen. "

Capt. M. (Suffocating with suppressed laughter. ) Yes. That's about the
gist of it. I'll prompt if you get into a hat.

Capt. G. (Earnestly. ) Yes, you'll stick by me, Jack, won't you? I'm
awfully happy, but I don't mind telling you that I'm in a blue funk!

Capt. M. (Gravely. ) Are you? I should never have noticed it. You don't
look like it.

Capt. G. Don't I? That's all right. (Spinning round. ) On my soul and
honor, Jack, She's the sweetest little angel that ever came down from
the sky. There isn't a woman on earth fit to speak to Her.

Capt. M. (Aside. ) And this is old Gadsby! (Aloud. ) Go on if it relieves
you.

Capt. G. You can laugh! That's all you wild asses of bachelors are fit
for.

Capt. M. (Drawling. ) You never would wait for the troop to come up.