No More Learning

Mrs. MALAPROP
Oh! it gives me the hydrostatics to such a degree. --I thought she had
persisted from corresponding with him; but, behold, this very day, I
have interceded another letter from the fellow; I believe I have it in
my pocket.

ABSOLUTE
[Aside. ] Oh, the devil! my last note.

Mrs. MALAPROP
Ay, here it is.

ABSOLUTE
[Aside. ] Ay, my note indeed! O the little traitress Lucy.

Mrs. MALAPROP
There, perhaps you may know the writing. [Gives him the letter. ]

ABSOLUTE
I think I have seen the hand before--yes, I certainly must have seen
this hand before----

Mrs. MALAPROP
Nay, but read it, captain.

ABSOLUTE
[Reads. ] _My soul's idol, my adored Lydia! _--Very tender, indeed!

Mrs. MALAPROP
Tender! ay, and profane too, o' my conscience.

ABSOLUTE
[Reads. ] _I am excessively alarmed at the intelligence you send me, the
more so as my new rival_----

Mrs. MALAPROP
That's you, sir.

ABSOLUTE
[Reads. ] _Has universally the character of being an accomplished
gentleman and a man of honour. _--Well, that's handsome enough.

Mrs. MALAPROP
Oh, the fellow has some design in writing so.

ABSOLUTE
That he had, I'll answer for him, ma'am.

Mrs. MALAPROP
But go on, sir--you'll see presently.

ABSOLUTE
[Reads. ] _As for the old weather-beaten she-dragon who guards you_--Who
can he mean by that?

Mrs. MALAPROP
Me, sir! --me! --he means me! --There--what do you think now? --but go on a
little further.

ABSOLUTE
Impudent scoundrel! --[Reads. ] _it shall go hard but I will elude her
vigilance, as I am told that the same ridiculous vanity, which makes
her dress up her coarse features, and deck her dull chat with hard
words which she don't understand_----

Mrs. MALAPROP
There, sir, an attack upon my language! what do you think of that? --an
aspersion upon my parts of speech! was ever such a brute! Sure, if I
reprehend any thing in this world, it is the use of my oracular tongue,
and a nice derangement of epitaphs!

ABSOLUTE
He deserves to be hanged and quartered! let me see--[Reads. ] _same
ridiculous vanity_----

Mrs. MALAPROP
You need not read it again, sir.

ABSOLUTE
I beg pardon, ma'am. --[Reads. ] _does also lay her open to the grossest
deceptions from flattery and pretended admiration_--an impudent
coxcomb! --_so that I have a scheme to see you shortly with the old
harridan's consent, and even to make her a go-between in our
interview. _--Was ever such assurance!

Mrs. MALAPROP
Did you ever hear anything like it? --he'll elude my vigilance, will
he--yes, yes! ha! ha! he's very likely to enter these doors;--we'll try
who can plot best!

ABSOLUTE
So we will, ma'am--so we will! Ha! ha! ha! a conceited puppy, ha! ha!
ha! --Well, but Mrs. Malaprop, as the girl seems so infatuated by this
fellow, suppose you were to wink at her corresponding with him for a
little time--let her even plot an elopement with him--then do you
connive at her escape--while I, just in the nick, will have the fellow
laid by the heels, and fairly contrive to carry her off in his stead.

Mrs. MALAPROP
I am delighted with the scheme; never was anything better perpetrated!

ABSOLUTE
But, pray, could not I see the lady for a few minutes now? --I should
like to try her temper a little.

Mrs. MALAPROP
Why, I don't know--I doubt she is not prepared for a visit of this
kind. There is a decorum in these matters.

ABSOLUTE
O Lord! she won't mind me--only tell her Beverley----

Mrs. MALAPROP
Sir!

ABSOLUTE
[Aside. ] Gently, good tongue.

Mrs. MALAPROP
What did you say of Beverley?

ABSOLUTE
Oh, I was going to propose that you should tell her, by way of jest,
that it was Beverley who was below; she'd come down fast enough
then--ha! ha! ha!

Mrs. MALAPROP
'Twould be a trick she well deserves; besides, you know the fellow
tells her he'll get my consent to see her--ha! ha! Let him if he can, I
say again. Lydia, come down here! --[Calling. ] He'll make me a
go-between in their interviews! --ha! ha! ha! Come down, I say, Lydia! I
don't wonder at your laughing, ha! ha! ha! his impudence is truly
ridiculous.

ABSOLUTE
'Tis very ridiculous, upon my soul, ma'am, ha! ha! ha!

Mrs. MALAPROP
The little hussy won't hear. Well, I'll go and tell her at once who it
is--she shall know that Captain Absolute is come to wait on her. And
I'll make her behave as becomes a young woman.

ABSOLUTE
As you please, ma'am.

Mrs. MALAPROP
For the present, captain, your servant. Ah! you've not done laughing
yet, I see--elude my vigilance; yes, yes; ha! ha! ha! [Exit. ]

ABSOLUTE
Ha! ha! ha! one would think now that I might throw off all disguise at
once, and seize my prize with security; but such is Lydia's caprice,
that to undeceive were probably to lose her. I'll see whether she knows
me. [Walks aside, and seems engaged in looking at the pictures. ]

[Enter LYDIA. ]

LYDIA
What a scene am I now to go through! surely nothing can be more
dreadful than to be obliged to listen to the loathsome addresses of a
stranger to one's heart. I have heard of girls persecuted as I am, who
have appealed in behalf of their favoured lover to the generosity of
his rival--suppose I were to try it--there stands the hated rival--an
officer too! --but oh, how unlike my Beverley! I wonder he don't
begin--truly he seems a very negligent wooer! --quite at his ease, upon
my word! --I'll speak first--Mr. Absolute.

ABSOLUTE
Ma'am. [Turns round. ]

LYDIA
O heavens! Beverley!

ABSOLUTE
Hush;--hush, my life! softly! be not surprised!

LYDIA
I am so astonished! and so terrified! and so overjoyed! --for Heaven's
sake! how came you here?

ABSOLUTE
Briefly, I have deceived your aunt--I was informed that my new rival
was to visit here this evening, and contriving to have him kept away,
have passed myself on her for Captain Absolute.

LYDIA
O charming! And she really takes you for young Absolute?

ABSOLUTE
Oh, she's convinced of it.

LYDIA
Ha! ha! ha! I can't forbear laughing to think how her sagacity is
overreached!

ABSOLUTE
But we trifle with our precious moments--such another opportunity may
not occur; then let me now conjure my kind, my condescending angel, to
fix the time when I may rescue her from undeserving persecution, and
with a licensed warmth plead for my reward.

LYDIA
Will you then, Beverley, consent to forfeit that portion of my paltry
wealth? --that burden on the wings of love?

ABSOLUTE
Oh, come to me--rich only thus--in loveliness! Bring no portion to me
but thy love--'twill be generous in you, Lydia--for well you know, it
is the only dower your poor Beverley can repay.

LYDIA
[Aside. ] How persuasive are his words! --how charming will poverty be
with him!

ABSOLUTE
Ah! my soul, what a life will we then live! Love shall be our idol and
support! we will worship him with a monastic strictness; abjuring all
worldly toys, to centre every thought and action there. Proud of
calamity, we will enjoy the wreck of wealth; while the surrounding
gloom of adversity shall make the flame of our pure love show doubly
bright. By Heavens! I would fling all goods of fortune from me with a
prodigal hand, to enjoy the scene where I might clasp my Lydia to my
bosom, and say, the world affords no smile to me but here--[Embracing
her. ] [Aside. ] If she holds out now, the devil is in it!

LYDIA
[Aside. ] Now could I fly with him to the antipodes! but my persecution
is not yet come to a crisis.

[Re-enter Mrs. MALAPROP, listening. ]

Mrs. MALAPROP
[Aside. ] I am impatient to know how the little hussy deports herself.

ABSOLUTE
So pensive, Lydia! --is then your warmth abated?

Mrs. MALAPROP
[Aside. ] Warmth abated! --so! --she has been in a passion, I suppose.

LYDIA
No--nor ever can while I have life.

Mrs. MALAPROP
[Aside. ] An ill tempered little devil! She'll be in a passion all her
life--will she?

LYDIA
Think not the idle threats of my ridiculous aunt can ever have any
weight with me.

Mrs. MALAPROP
[Aside. ] Very dutiful, upon my word!

LYDIA
Let her choice be Captain Absolute, but Beverley is mine.

Mrs. MALAPROP
[Aside.
] I am astonished at her assurance! --to his face--this is to
his face!

ABSOLUTE
Thus then let me enforce my suit. [Kneeling. ]

Mrs. MALAPROP
[Aside. ] Ay, poor young man! --down on his knees entreating for
pity! --I can contain no longer. --[Coming forward. ] Why, thou vixen! --I
have overheard you.

ABSOLUTE
[Aside. ] Oh, confound her vigilance!

Mrs. MALAPROP
Captain Absolute, I know not how to apologize for her shocking
rudeness.

ABSOLUTE
[Aside. ] So all's safe, I find. --[Aloud. ] I have hopes, madam, that
time will bring the young lady----

Mrs. MALAPROP
Oh, there's nothing to be hoped for from her! she's as headstrong as an
allegory on the banks of Nile.

LYDIA
Nay, madam, what do you charge me with now?

Mrs. MALAPROP
Why, thou unblushing rebel--didn't you tell this gentleman to his face
that you loved another better? --didn't you say you never would be his?

LYDIA
No, madam--I did not.

Mrs. MALAPROP
Good heavens! what assurance! --Lydia, Lydia, you ought to know that
lying don't become a young woman! --Didn't you boast that Beverley, that
stroller Beverley, possessed your heart? --Tell me that, I say.

LYDIA
'Tis true, ma'am, and none but Beverley----

Mrs. MALAPROP
Hold! --hold, Assurance! --you shall not be so rude.

ABSOLUTE
Nay, pray, Mrs. Malaprop, don't stop the young lady's speech: she's
very welcome to talk thus--it does not hurt me in the least, I assure
you.

Mrs. MALAPROP
You are too good, captain--too amiably patient--but come with me,
miss. --Let us see you again soon, captain--remember what we have fixed.

ABSOLUTE
I shall, ma'am.

Mrs. MALAPROP
Come, take a graceful leave of the gentleman.

LYDIA
May every blessing wait on my Beverley, my loved Bev----

Mrs. MALAPROP
Hussy! I'll choke the word in your throat! --come along--come along.

[Exeunt severally; CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE kissing his hand to LYDIA--Mrs.
MALAPROP stopping her from speaking. ]

* * * * * * *


Scene IV--ACRES' Lodgings.
[ACRES, as just dressed, and DAVID. ]

ACRES
Indeed, David--do you think I become it so?

DAVID
You are quite another creature, believe me, master, by the mass! an'
we've any luck we shall see the Devon mon kerony in all the print-shops
in Bath!

ACRES
Dress does make a difference, David.

DAVID
'Tis all in all, I think. --Difference! why, an' you were to go now to
Clod-Hall, I am certain the old lady wouldn't know you: Master Butler
wouldn't believe his own eyes, and Mrs. Pickle would cry, Lard presarve
me! our dairy-maid would come giggling to the door, and I warrant Dolly
Tester, your honour's favourite, would blush like my waistcoat. --Oons!
I'll hold a gallon, there ain't a dog in the house but would bark, and
I question whether Phillis would wag a hair of her tail!

ACRES
Ay, David, there's nothing like polishing.

DAVID
So I says of your honour's boots; but the boy never heeds me!

ACRES
But, David, has Mr. De-la-grace been here? I must rub up my balancing,
and chasing, and boring.

DAVID
I'll call again, sir.

ACRES
Do--and see if there are any letters for me at the post-office.

DAVID
I will. --By the mass, I can't help looking at your head! --if I hadn't
been by at the cooking, I wish I may die if I should have known the
dish again myself! [Exit. ]

ACRES
[Practising a dancing-step. ] Sink, slide--coupee. --Confound the first
inventors of cotillions! say I--they are as bad as algebra to us country
gentlemen--I can walk a minuet easy enough when I am forced! --and I
have been accounted a good stick in a country-dance. --Odds jigs and
tabors! I never valued your cross-over to couple--figure in--right and
left--and I'd foot it with e'er a captain in the county! --but these
outlandish heathen allemandes and cotillions are quite beyond me! --I
shall never prosper at 'em, that's sure--mine are true-born English
legs--they don't understand their curst French lingo! --their _pas_
this, and _pas_ that, and _pas_ t'other! --damn me! my feet don't like
to be called paws! no, 'tis certain I have most Antigallican toes!

[Enter SERVANT. ]

SERVANT
Here is Sir Lucius O'Trigger to wait on you, sir.

ACRES
Show him in.

[Exit SERVANT. ]

[Enter Sir LUCIUS O'TRIGGER. ]

Sir LUCIUS
Mr. Acres, I am delighted to embrace you.

ACRES
My dear Sir Lucius, I kiss your hands.

Sir LUCIUS
Pray, my friend, what has brought you so suddenly to Bath?

ACRES
Faith! I have followed Cupid's Jack-a-lantern, and find myself in a
quagmire at last. --In short, I have been very ill used, Sir Lucius. --I
don't choose to mention names, but look on me as on a very ill-used
gentleman.

Sir LUCIUS
Pray what is the case? --I ask no names.

ACRES
Mark me, Sir Lucius, I fall as deep as need be in love with a young
lady--her friends take my part--I follow her to Bath--send word of my
arrival; and receive answer, that the lady is to be otherwise disposed
of. --This, Sir Lucius, I call being ill-used.

Sir LUCIUS
Very ill, upon my conscience. --Pray, can you divine the cause of it?

ACRES
Why, there's the matter; she has another lover, one Beverley, who, I am
told, is now in Bath. --Odds slanders and lies! he must be at the bottom
of it.

Sir LUCIUS
A rival in the case, is there? --and you think he has supplanted you
unfairly?

ACRES
Unfairly! to be sure he has. He never could have done it fairly.

Sir LUCIUS
Then sure you know what is to be done!

ACRES
Not I, upon my soul!

Sir LUCIUS
We wear no swords here, but you understand me.

ACRES
What! fight him!

Sir LUCIUS
Ay, to be sure: what can I mean else?

ACRES
But he has given me no provocation.

Sir LUCIUS
Now, I think he has given you the greatest provocation in the world.
Can a man commit a more heinous offence against another than to fall in
love with the same woman? Oh, by my soul! it is the most unpardonable
breach of friendship.

ACRES
Breach of friendship! ay, ay; but I have no acquaintance with this man.
I never saw him in my life.

Sir LUCIUS
That's no argument at all--he has the less right then to take such a
liberty.

ACRES
Gad, that's true--I grow full of anger, Sir Lucius! --I fire apace! Odds
hilts and blades! I find a man may have a deal of valour in him, and
not know it! But couldn't I contrive to have a little right of my side?

Sir LUCIUS
What the devil signifies right, when your honour is concerned? Do you
think Achilles, or my little Alexander the Great, ever inquired where
the right lay? No, by my soul, they drew their broad-swords, and left
the lazy sons of peace to settle the justice of it.

ACRES
Your words are a grenadier's march to my heart! I believe courage must
be catching! I certainly do feel a kind of valour rising as it were--a
kind of courage, as I may say. --Odds flints, pans, and triggers! I'll
challenge him directly.

Sir LUCIUS
Ah, my little friend, if I had Blunderbuss Hall here, I could show you
a range of ancestry, in the O'Trigger line, that would furnish the new
room; every one of whom had killed his man! --For though the
mansion-house and dirty acres have slipped through my fingers, I thank
heaven our honour and the family-pictures are as fresh as ever.

ACRES
O, Sir Lucius! I have had ancestors too! --every man of 'em colonel or
captain in the militia! --Odds balls and barrels! say no more--I'm
braced for it. The thunder of your words has soured the milk of human
kindness in my breast;--Zounds! as the man in the play says, _I could
do such deeds! _

Sir LUCIUS
Come, come, there must be no passion at all in the case--these things
should always be done civilly.

ACRES
I must be in a passion, Sir Lucius--I must be in a rage. --Dear Sir
Lucius, let me be in a rage, if you love me. Come, here's pen and
paper. --[Sits down to write. ] I would the ink were red! --Indite, I say,
indite! --How shall I begin? Odds bullets and blades! I'll write a good
bold hand, however.

Sir LUCIUS
Pray compose yourself.

ACRES
Come--now, shall I begin with an oath? Do, Sir Lucius, let me begin
with a damme.

Sir LUCIUS
Pho! pho! do the thing decently, and like a Christian. Begin now--_Sir
----_

ACRES
That's too civil by half.

Sir LUCIUS
_To prevent the confusion that might arise----_

ACRES
Well----

Sir LUCIUS
_From our both addressing the same lady----_

ACRES
Ay, there's the reason--_same_ lady--well----

Sir LUCIUS
_I shall expect the honour of your company----_

ACRES
Zounds! I'm not asking him to dinner.

Sir LUCIUS
Pray be easy.

ACRES
Well, then, _honour of your company----_

Sir LUCIUS
_To settle our pretensions----_

ACRES
Well.

Sir LUCIUS
Let me see, ay, King's-Mead-Fields will do--_in King's-Mead-Fields. _

ACRES
So, that's done--Well, I'll fold it up presently; my own crest--a hand
and dagger shall be the seal.

Sir LUCIUS
You see now this little explanation will put a stop at once to all
confusion or misunderstanding that might arise between you.

ACRES
Ay, we fight to prevent any misunderstanding.

Sir LUCIUS
Now, I'll leave you to fix your own time. --Take my advice, and you'll
decide it this evening if you can; then let the worst come of it,
'twill be off your mind to-morrow.

ACRES
Very true.

Sir LUCIUS
So I shall see nothing of you, unless it be by letter, till the
evening. --I would do myself the honour to carry your message; but, to
tell you a secret, I believe I shall have just such another affair on
my own hands. There is a gay captain here, who put a jest on me lately,
at the expense of my country, and I only want to fall in with the
gentleman, to call him out.

ACRES
By my valour, I should like to see you fight first! Odds life! I should
like to see you kill him if it was only to get a little lesson.

Sir LUCIUS
I shall be very proud of instructing you. --Well for the present--but
remember now, when you meet your antagonist, do every thing in a mild
and agreeable manner. --Let your courage be as keen, but at the same
time as polished, as your sword.

[Exeunt severally. ]


* * * * * * * * * * *


ACT IV

* * * * * * *


Scene I--ACRES' Lodgings.
[ACRES and DAVID. ]

DAVID
Then, by the mass, sir! I would do no such thing--ne'er a Sir Lucius
O'Trigger in the kingdom should make me fight, when I wasn't so minded.
Oons! what will the old lady say, when she hears o't?

ACRES
Ah! David, if you had heard Sir Lucius! --Odds sparks and flames! he
would have roused your valour.

DAVID
Not he, indeed.