No More Learning

Were I a
wretch, meanly seeking to carry off a fortune, you should be the last
man in the world I would apply to for assistance. But Miss Neville's
person is all I ask, and that is mine, both from her deceased father's
consent, and her own inclination.

MARLOW. Happy man! You have talents and art to captivate any woman.
I'm doom'd to adore the sex, and yet to converse with the only part of
it I despise. This stammer in my address, and this awkward
prepossessing visage of mine, can never permit me to soar above the
reach of a milliner's 'prentice, or one of the duchesses of Drury-lane.
Pshaw! this fellow here to interrupt us.


Enter HARDCASTLE.


HARDCASTLE. Gentlemen, once more you are heartily welcome. Which is
Mr. Marlow? Sir, you are heartily welcome. It's not my way, you see,
to receive my friends with my back to the fire. I like give them a
hearty reception in the old style at my gate. I like to see their
horses and trunks taken care of.

MARLOW. (Aside. ) He has got our names from the servants already. (To
him. ) We approve your caution and hospitality, sir. (To HASTINGS. ) I
have been thinking, George, of changing our travelling dresses in the
morning. I am grown confoundedly ashamed of mine.

HARDCASTLE. I beg, Mr. Marlow, you'll use no ceremony in this house.

HASTINGS. I fancy, Charles, you're right: the first blow is half the
battle. I intend opening the campaign with the white and gold.

HARDCASTLE. Mr. Marlow--Mr. Hastings--gentlemen--pray be under no
constraint in this house. This is Liberty-hall, gentlemen. You may do
just as you please here.

MARLOW. Yet, George, if we open the campaign too fiercely at first, we
may want ammunition before it is over. I think to reserve the
embroidery to secure a retreat.

HARDCASTLE. Your talking of a retreat, Mr. Marlow, puts me in mind of
the Duke of Marlborough, when we went to besiege Denain. He first
summoned the garrison----

MARLOW. Don't you think the ventre d'or waistcoat will do with the
plain brown?

HARDCASTLE. He first summoned the garrison, which might consist of
about five thousand men----

HASTINGS. I think not: brown and yellow mix but very poorly.

HARDCASTLE. I say, gentlemen, as I was telling you, be summoned the
garrison, which might consist of about five thousand men----

MARLOW. The girls like finery.

HARDCASTLE. Which might consist of about five thousand men, well
appointed with stores, ammunition, and other implements of war. Now,
says the Duke of Marlborough to George Brooks, that stood next to
him--you must have heard of George Brooks--I'll pawn my dukedom, says
he, but I take that garrison without spilling a drop of blood. So----

MARLOW. What, my good friend, if you gave us a glass of punch in the
mean time; it would help us to carry on the siege with vigour.

HARDCASTLE. Punch, sir! (Aside. ) This is the most unaccountable kind
of modesty I ever met with.

MARLOW. Yes, sir, punch. A glass of warm punch, after our journey,
will be comfortable. This is Liberty-hall, you know.

HARDCASTLE. Here's a cup, sir.

MARLOW. (Aside. ) So this fellow, in his Liberty-hall, will only let
us have just what he pleases.

HARDCASTLE. (Taking the cup. ) I hope you'll find it to your mind. I
have prepared it with my own hands, and I believe you'll own the
ingredients are tolerable. Will you be so good as to pledge me, sir?
Here, Mr. Marlow, here is to our better acquaintance. [Drinks. ]

MARLOW. (Aside. ) A very impudent fellow this! but he's a character,
and I'll humour him a little. Sir, my service to you. [Drinks. ]

HASTINGS. (Aside. ) I see this fellow wants to give us his company,
and forgets that he's an innkeeper, before he has learned to be a
gentleman.

MARLOW. From the excellence of your cup, my old friend, I suppose you
have a good deal of business in this part of the country. Warm work,
now and then, at elections, I suppose.

HARDCASTLE. No, sir, I have long given that work over. Since our
betters have hit upon the expedient of electing each other, there is no
business "for us that sell ale. "

HASTINGS. So, then, you have no turn for politics, I find.

HARDCASTLE. Not in the least. There was a time, indeed, I fretted
myself about the mistakes of government, like other people; but finding
myself every day grow more angry, and the government growing no better,
I left it to mend itself. Since that, I no more trouble my head about
Hyder Ally, or Ally Cawn, than about Ally Croker. Sir, my service to
you.

HASTINGS. So that with eating above stairs, and drinking below, with
receiving your friends within, and amusing them without, you lead a
good pleasant bustling life of it.

HARDCASTLE. I do stir about a great deal, that's certain. Half the
differences of the parish are adjusted in this very parlour.

MARLOW. (After drinking. ) And you have an argument in your cup, old
gentleman, better than any in Westminster-hall.

HARDCASTLE. Ay, young gentleman, that, and a little philosophy.

MARLOW. (Aside. ) Well, this is the first time I ever heard of an
innkeeper's philosophy.

HASTINGS. So then, like an experienced general, you attack them on
every quarter. If you find their reason manageable, you attack it with
your philosophy; if you find they have no reason, you attack them with
this. Here's your health, my philosopher. [Drinks. ]

HARDCASTLE. Good, very good, thank you; ha! ha! Your generalship puts
me in mind of Prince Eugene, when he fought the Turks at the battle of
Belgrade. You shall hear.

MARLOW. Instead of the battle of Belgrade, I believe it's almost time
to talk about supper. What has your philosophy got in the house for
supper?

HARDCASTLE. For supper, sir! (Aside. ) Was ever such a request to a
man in his own house?

MARLOW. Yes, sir, supper, sir; I begin to feel an appetite. I shall
make devilish work to-night in the larder, I promise you.

HARDCASTLE. (Aside. ) Such a brazen dog sure never my eyes beheld.
(To him. ) Why, really, sir, as for supper I can't well tell. My
Dorothy and the cook-maid settle these things between them. I leave
these kind of things entirely to them.

MARLOW. You do, do you?

HARDCASTLE. Entirely. By the bye, I believe they are in actual
consultation upon what's for supper this moment in the kitchen.

MARLOW. Then I beg they'll admit me as one of their privy council.
It's a way I have got. When I travel, I always chose to regulate my
own supper. Let the cook be called. No offence I hope, sir.

HARDCASTLE. O no, sir, none in the least; yet I don't know how; our
Bridget, the cook-maid, is not very communicative upon these
occasions. Should we send for her, she might scold us all out of the
house.

HASTINGS. Let's see your list of the larder then. I ask it as a
favour. I always match my appetite to my bill of fare.

MARLOW. (To HARDCASTLE, who looks at them with surprise. ) Sir, he's
very right, and it's my way too.

HARDCASTLE. Sir, you have a right to command here. Here, Roger,
bring us the bill of fare for to-night's supper: I believe it's drawn
out--Your manner, Mr. Hastings, puts me in mind of my uncle, Colonel
Wallop. It was a saying of his, that no man was sure of his supper
till he had eaten it.

HASTINGS. (Aside. ) All upon the high rope! His uncle a colonel! we
shall soon hear of his mother being a justice of the peace. But let's
hear the bill of fare.

MARLOW. (Perusing. ) What's here? For the first course; for the
second course; for the dessert. The devil, sir, do you think we have
brought down a whole Joiners' Company, or the corporation of Bedford,
to eat up such a supper? Two or three little things, clean and
comfortable, will do.

HASTINGS. But let's hear it.

MARLOW. (Reading. ) For the first course, at the top, a pig and prune
sauce.

HASTINGS. Damn your pig, I say.

MARLOW. And damn your prune sauce, say I.

HARDCASTLE. And yet, gentlemen, to men that are hungry, pig with
prune sauce is very good eating.

MARLOW. At the bottom, a calf's tongue and brains.

HASTINGS. Let your brains be knocked out, my good sir, I don't like
them.

MARLOW. Or you may clap them on a plate by themselves. I do.

HARDCASTLE. (Aside. ) Their impudence confounds me. (To them.
)
Gentlemen, you are my guests, make what alterations you please. Is
there anything else you wish to retrench or alter, gentlemen?

MARLOW. Item, a pork pie, a boiled rabbit and sausages, a Florentine,
a shaking pudding, and a dish of tiff--taff--taffety cream.

HASTINGS. Confound your made dishes; I shall be as much at a loss in
this house as at a green and yellow dinner at the French ambassador's
table. I'm for plain eating.

HARDCASTLE. I'm sorry, gentlemen, that I have nothing you like, but if
there be anything you have a particular fancy to----

MARLOW. Why, really, sir, your bill of fare is so exquisite, that any
one part of it is full as good as another. Send us what you please.
So much for supper. And now to see that our beds are aired, and
properly taken care of.

HARDCASTLE. I entreat you'll leave that to me. You shall not stir a
step.

MARLOW. Leave that to you! I protest, sir, you must excuse me, I
always look to these things myself.

HARDCASTLE. I must insist, sir, you'll make yourself easy on that
head.

MARLOW. You see I'm resolved on it. (Aside. ) A very troublesome
fellow this, as I ever met with.

HARDCASTLE. Well, sir, I'm resolved at least to attend you. (Aside. )
This may be modern modesty, but I never saw anything look so like
old-fashioned impudence. [Exeunt MARLOW and HARDCASTLE. ]

HASTINGS. (Alone. ) So I find this fellow's civilities begin to grow
troublesome. But who can be angry at those assiduities which are meant
to please him? Ha! what do I see? Miss Neville, by all that's happy!


Enter MISS NEVILLE.


MISS NEVILLE. My dear Hastings! To what unexpected good fortune, to
what accident, am I to ascribe this happy meeting?

HASTINGS. Rather let me ask the same question, as I could never have
hoped to meet my dearest Constance at an inn.

MISS NEVILLE. An inn! sure you mistake: my aunt, my guardian, lives
here. What could induce you to think this house an inn?

HASTINGS. My friend, Mr. Marlow, with whom I came down, and I, have
been sent here as to an inn, I assure you. A young fellow, whom we
accidentally met at a house hard by, directed us hither.

MISS NEVILLE. Certainly it must be one of my hopeful cousin's tricks,
of whom you have heard me talk so often; ha! ha! ha!

HASTINGS. He whom your aunt intends for you? he of whom I have such
just apprehensions?

MISS NEVILLE. You have nothing to fear from him, I assure you. You'd
adore him, if you knew how heartily he despises me. My aunt knows it
too, and has undertaken to court me for him, and actually begins to
think she has made a conquest.

HASTINGS. Thou dear dissembler! You must know, my Constance, I have
just seized this happy opportunity of my friend's visit here to get
admittance into the family. The horses that carried us down are now
fatigued with their journey, but they'll soon be refreshed; and then,
if my dearest girl will trust in her faithful Hastings, we shall soon
be landed in France, where even among slaves the laws of marriage are
respected.

MISS NEVILLE. I have often told you, that though ready to obey you, I
yet should leave my little fortune behind with reluctance. The
greatest part of it was left me by my uncle, the India director, and
chiefly consists in jewels. I have been for some time persuading my
aunt to let me wear them. I fancy I'm very near succeeding. The
instant they are put into my possession, you shall find me ready to
make them and myself yours.

HASTINGS. Perish the baubles! Your person is all I desire. In the
mean time, my friend Marlow must not be let into his mistake. I know
the strange reserve of his temper is such, that if abruptly informed of
it, he would instantly quit the house before our plan was ripe for
execution.

MISS NEVILLE. But how shall we keep him in the deception? Miss
Hardcastle is just returned from walking; what if we still continue to
deceive him? ----This, this way----[They confer. ]


Enter MARLOW.


MARLOW. The assiduities of these good people teaze me beyond bearing.
My host seems to think it ill manners to leave me alone, and so he
claps not only himself, but his old-fashioned wife, on my back. They
talk of coming to sup with us too; and then, I suppose, we are to run
the gantlet through all the rest of the family. --What have we got here?

HASTINGS. My dear Charles! Let me congratulate you! --The most
fortunate accident! --Who do you think is just alighted?

MARLOW. Cannot guess.

HASTINGS. Our mistresses, boy, Miss Hardcastle and Miss Neville.
Give me leave to introduce Miss Constance Neville to your
acquaintance. Happening to dine in the neighbourhood, they called on
their return to take fresh horses here. Miss Hardcastle has just stept
into the next room, and will be back in an instant. Wasn't it lucky?
eh!

MARLOW. (Aside. ) I have been mortified enough of all conscience, and
here comes something to complete my embarrassment.

HASTINGS. Well, but wasn't it the most fortunate thing in the world?

MARLOW. Oh! yes. Very fortunate--a most joyful encounter--But our
dresses, George, you know are in disorder--What if we should postpone
the happiness till to-morrow? --To-morrow at her own house--It will be
every bit as convenient--and rather more respectful--To-morrow let it
be. [Offering to go. ]

MISS NEVILLE. By no means, sir. Your ceremony will displease her.
The disorder of your dress will show the ardour of your impatience.
Besides, she knows you are in the house, and will permit you to see
her.

MARLOW. O! the devil! how shall I support it? Hem! hem! Hastings,
you must not go. You are to assist me, you know. I shall be
confoundedly ridiculous. Yet, hang it! I'll take courage. Hem!

HASTINGS. Pshaw, man! it's but the first plunge, and all's over.
She's but a woman, you know.

MARLOW. And, of all women, she that I dread most to encounter.


Enter MISS HARDCASTLE, as returned from walking, a bonnet, etc.


HASTINGS. (Introducing them. ) Miss Hardcastle, Mr. Marlow. I'm
proud of bringing two persons of such merit together, that only want to
know, to esteem each other.

MISS HARDCASTLE. (Aside. ) Now for meeting my modest gentleman with a
demure face, and quite in his own manner. (After a pause, in which he
appears very uneasy and disconcerted. ) I'm glad of your safe arrival,
sir. I'm told you had some accidents by the way.

MARLOW. Only a few, madam. Yes, we had some. Yes, madam, a good many
accidents, but should be sorry--madam--or rather glad of any
accidents--that are so agreeably concluded. Hem!

HASTINGS. (To him. ) You never spoke better in your whole life. Keep
it up, and I'll insure you the victory.

MISS HARDCASTLE. I'm afraid you flatter, sir. You that have seen so
much of the finest company, can find little entertainment in an obscure
corner of the country.

MARLOW. (Gathering courage. ) I have lived, indeed, in the world,
madam; but I have kept very little company. I have been but an
observer upon life, madam, while others were enjoying it.

MISS NEVILLE. But that, I am told, is the way to enjoy it at last.

HASTINGS. (To him. ) Cicero never spoke better. Once more, and you
are confirmed in assurance for ever.

MARLOW. (To him. ) Hem! Stand by me, then, and when I'm down, throw
in a word or two, to set me up again.

MISS HARDCASTLE. An observer, like you, upon life were, I fear,
disagreeably employed, since you must have had much more to censure
than to approve.

MARLOW. Pardon me, madam. I was always willing to be amused. The
folly of most people is rather an object of mirth than uneasiness.

HASTINGS. (To him. ) Bravo, bravo. Never spoke so well in your whole
life. Well, Miss Hardcastle, I see that you and Mr. Marlow are going
to be very good company. I believe our being here will but embarrass
the interview.

MARLOW. Not in the least, Mr. Hastings. We like your company of all
things. (To him. ) Zounds! George, sure you won't go? how can you
leave us?

HASTINGS. Our presence will but spoil conversation, so we'll retire to
the next room. (To him. ) You don't consider, man, that we are to
manage a little tete-a-tete of our own. [Exeunt. ]

MISS HARDCASTLE. (after a pause).