This would enable me to
jubilate
like a normal person, knowing why.
Samuel Beckett
Automatically, on the rebound?
As if (and a little silence), as if I were big enough now to take a hint and understand (certain things)?
But they're wrong.
I need explanations, of everything.
And even then, I don't understand.
That's how I'll sicken them in the end, by my stupidity.
(So they say, to lull me, to make me think I'm stupider than I am.
) And is it still they who say that when I surprise them all and am Worm at last, then at last I'll be Mahood?
Worm proving to be Mahood the moment one is he?
Ah if they could only begin, and do what they want with me, and succeed at last (in doing what they want with me)!
(I'm ready to be whatever they want, I'm tired of being matter, matter, pawed and pummelled endlessly in vain.
) Or give me up and leave my lying in a heap - in such a heap that none would ever be found again to try and fashion it.
But they are not of the same mind: they are all of the same kidney and yet they don't know what they want to do with me.
They don't know where I am, or what I'm like.
I'm like dust: they want to make a man out of dust.
Listen to them, losing heart!
That's to lull me, till I imagine I hear myself saying (myself at last!
), to myself at last, that it can't be they, speaking thus: that it can only be I, speaking thus.
Ah if I could only find a voice of my own, in all this babble!
It would be the end of their troubles, and of mine.
That's why there are all these little silences: to try and make me break them.
They think I can't bear silence - that some day, somehow, my horror of silence will force me to break it.
That's why they are
always leaving off: to try and drive me to extremities. But they dare not be silent for long, the whole fabrication might collapse. It's true I dread these gulfs they all bend over, straining their ears for the murmur of a man. It isn't silence, it's pitfalls - into which nothing would please me better than to fall (with the little cry that might be taken for human, like a wounded wistit, the first and last), and vanish for good and all, having squeaked. Well, if they ever succeed in getting me to give a voice to Worm (in a moment of euphory) perhaps I'll succeed in making it mine (in a moment of confusion). There we have the stake. But they won't. (Did they ever get Mahood to speak? It seems to me not. I think Murphy spoke now and then - the others too perhaps, I don't remember. But it was clumsily done, you could see the ventriloquist. ) And now I feel it's about to begin. They must consider me sufficiently stupefied, with all their balls about being and existing. Yes, now that I've forgotten who Worm is, where he is, what he's like, I'll begin to be. (Anything rather than these college quips. ) Quick: a place. With no way in, no way out - a safe place. (Not like Eden. ) And Worm inside. Feeling nothing, knowing nothing, capable of nothing, wanting nothing, until the instant he hears the sound that will never stop. Then it's the end, Worm no longer is. (We know it, but we don't say it: we say it's the awakening, the beginning of Worm. ) For now we must speak, and speak of Worm. It's no longer he: but let us proceed as if it were still he (he at last), who hears, and trembles, and is delivered over (to affliction and the struggle to withstand it). The starting eye, the labouring mind. Yes, let us call that thing Worm, so as to exclaim (the sleight of hand accomplished): "Oh look, life again! Life everywhere and always! The life that's on every tongue! The only possible! " Poor Worm, who thought he was different! There he is in the madhouse for life. Where am I? That's my first question, after an age of listening. From it (when it hasn't been answered) I'll rebound towards others, of a more personal nature. (Much later. ) Perhaps I'll even end up (before regaining my coma) by thinking of myself as living (technically speaking). But let us proceed with method. I shall do my best, as always (since I cannot do otherwise). I shall submit, more corpse-obliging than ever. I shall transmit the words as received (by the ear, or roared through a trumpet into the arsehole) in all their purity (and in the same order, as far as possible). This infinitesimal lag, between arrival and departure, this trifling delay in evacuation, is all I have to worry about. The truth about me will boil forth at last, scalding (provided of course they don't start stuttering again). I listen. Enough procrastination: I'm Worm. That is to say I am no longer he, since I hear. But I'll forget that in the heat of misery: I'll forget I'm no longer Worm, but a kind of tenth-rate Toussaint L'Ouverture (that's what they're counting on). Worm, then, I
catch this sound that will never stop: monotonous beyond words and yet not altogether devoid of a certain variety. At the end of I know not what eternity (they don't say) this has sufficiently exasperated my intelligence for it to grasp that the nuisance is a voice and that the realm of nature (in which I flatter myself I have a foot already) has other noises to offer which are even more unpleasant and may be relied on to make themselves heard before long. (Don't tell me after that I had no predispositions for man's estate. ) What a weary way since that first disaster! What nerves torn from the heart of insentience, with the appertaining terror and the cerebellum on fire! It took him a long time to adapt himself to this excoriation. To realize pooh it's nothing. A mere bagatelle. The common lot. A harmless joke. That will not last for ever. For me to gather while I may. They mentioned roses. I'll smell them before I'm finished. Then they'll put the accent on the thorns. What prodigious variety! The thorns they'll have to come and stick into me (as into their unfortunate Jesus). No, I need nobody: they'll start sprouting under my arse, unaided. (Some day I feel myself soaring above my condition. ) A billybowl of thorns and the air perfume-laden. But not so fast. I still leave much to be desired. I have no technique, none. For example (in case you don't believe me), I don't yet know how to move - either locally (in relation to myself) or bodily (in relation to the rest of the shit). (I don't know how to want to: I want to in vain. What doesn't come to me from me has come to the wrong address. ) Similarly my understanding is not yet sufficiently well-oiled to function without the pressure of some critical circumstance (such as violent pain felt for the first time). Some nice point in semantics, for example, of a nature to accelerate the march of the hours, could not retain my attention. For others the time-abolishing joys of impersonal and disinterested speculation: I only think (if that is the name for this vertiginous panic as of hornets smoked out of their nest) once a certain degree of terror has been exceeded. Does this mean I am less exposed to doing so, by the grace of inurement? To argue so would be to underestimate the extent of the repertory in which I am plunged and which (it appears) is nothing compared to what is in store for me at the conclusion of the novitiate. These lights gleaming low afar (then rearing up in a blaze and sweeping down upon me, blinding, to devour me) are merely one example. My familiarity with them avails me nothing: they invariably give me to reflect. Each time (at the last moment, just as I begin to scorch) they go out, smoking and hissing - and yet each time my phlegm is shattered. And in my head (which I am beginning to locate to my satisfaction, above and a little to the right) the sparks spurt and dash themselves out against the walls. And sometimes I say to myself I am in a head. (It's terror makes me say it, and the longing to be in safety, surrounded on all
sides by massive bone. ) And I add that I am foolish to let myself be frightened by another's thoughts, lacerating my sky with harmless fires and assailing me with noises signifying nothing. But one thing at a time. And often all sleeps (as when I was really Worm) except this voice which has denatured me: which never stops, but often grows confused and falters, as if it were going to abandon me. But it is merely a passing weakness. (Unless it is done on purpose, to teach me hope. ) Strange thing: ruined as I am and still young in this abjection they have brought me to, I sometimes seem to remember what I was when I was Worm, and not yet delivered into their hands. That's to tempt me into saying "I am indeed Worm after all", and into thinking that after all he may have become the thing that I have become. But it doesn't work. But they will devise another means, less childish, of getting me to admit (or pretend to admit) that I am he whose name they call me by, and no other. Or they'll wait: counting on my weariness (as they press me ever harder) to wipe him from my memory who cannot be brought to the pass they have brought me to (not to mention yesterday, not to mention tomorrow). And yet it seems to me I remember (and shall never forget) what I was like when I was he, before all became confused. But that is of course impossible, since Worm could not know what he was like, or who he was: that's how they want me to reason. And it seems to me too (which is even more deplorable) that I could become Worm again, if I were left in peace. This transmission is really excellent. I wonder if it is going to get us somewhere? If only they would stop talking for nothing, pending their stopping everything. Nothing? That's soon said. It is not for me to judge. (What would I judge with? ) It's more provocation. They want me to lose patience and rush, suddenly beside myself, to their rescue. (How transparent that all is! ) Sometimes I say to myself (they say to me, Worm says to me - the subject matters little) that my purveyors are more than one: four or five. But it's more likely the same foul brute all the time, amusing himself pretending to be a many, varying his register, his tone, his accent and his drivel. Unless it comes natural to him. (A bare and rusty hook I might accept. But all these titbits! ) But there are long silences too (at long intervals) during which (hearing nothing) I say nothing. That is to say I hear murmuring, if I listen hard enough. But it's not for me, it's for them alone: they are putting their heads together again. I don't hear what they say, all I know is they are still there, they haven't done with me. They have moved a little aside (secrets). Or if there is only one it is he alone, taking counsel with himself (muttering and chewing his moustache), getting ready for a fresh flow of inanity. To think of me eavesdropping - me! - when silence falls! Ah a nice state they have me in! But it's with the hope there is no one left. But this is not the time to speak of that. Good. Of what is it the time to
speak? Of Worm, at last. Good. We must first (to begin with) go back to his beginnings and then (to go on with) follow him patiently through the various stages (taking care to show their fatal concatenation) which have made him what I am. (The whole to be tossed off with bravura. ) Then notes from day to day, until I collapse. And finally (to wind up with) song and dance of thanksgiving by victim, to celebrate his nativity. (Please God nothing goes wrong. ) Mahood I couldn't die. Worm will I ever get born? It's the same problem. (But perhaps not the same personage after all. The scytheman will tell, it's all one to him. ) But let us go back (as planned) afterwards we'll fall forward (as projected). (The reverse would be more like it. But not by much. Upstream, downstream? What matter? ) I begin by the ear (that's the way to talk). Before that it was the night of time. Whereas ever since, what radiance! Now at least I know where I am, as far as my origins go (I mean considered as a subject of conversation - that's what counts). The moment one can say "Someone is on his way" all is well. Perhaps I have still a thousand years to go? No matter: he's on his way. I begin to be familiar with the premises. I wonder if I couldn't sneak out by the fundament, one morning, with the French breakfast? No, I can't move, not yet. (One minute in a skull and the next in a belly - strange! And the next nowhere in particular. Perhaps it's Botal's Foramen, when all about me palpitates and labours. ) Bait, bait! Can it be I have a friend among them, shaking his head in sorrow and saying nothing? Or only (from time to time) "Enough, enough"? One can be before beginning: they have set their hearts on that. They want me roots and all. This onwards-rushing time is the same which used to sleep? And this silence they yelp against in vain and which one day will be restored, the same as in the past? (Perhaps a little the worse for wear. ) Agreed, agreed - I who am on my way, words bellying out my sails, am also that unthinkable ancestor of whom nothing can be said. But perhaps I shall speak of him some day, and of the impenetrable age when I was he: some day when they fall silent, convinced at last I shall never get born (having failed to be conceived). Yes, perhaps I shall speak of him, for an instant (like the echo that mocks), before being restored to him, the one they could not part me from. And indeed they are weakening already, it's perceptible. But it's a feint, to have me rejoice without cause (after their fashion) and accept their terms, for the sake of peace at any price. But I can do nothing, that is what they seem to forget at each instant: I can't rejoice and I can't grieve. (It's in vain they explained to me how it's done, I never understood. ) And what terms? I don't know what it is they want. I say what it is, but I don't know. I emit sounds (better and better, it seems to me). If that's not enough for them I can't help it. If I speak of a head (referring to me) it's because I hear it being
spoken of. But why keep on saying the same thing? They hope things will change one day (it's natural). That one day on my wind-pipe (or some other section of the conduit) a nice little abscess will form, with an idea inside - point of departure for a general infection.
This would enable me to jubilate like a normal person, knowing why. And in no time I'd be a network of fistulae, bubbling with the blessed pus of reason. Ah if I were flesh and blood (as they are kind enough to posit) I wouldn't say no: there might be something in their little idea. They say I suffer like true thinking flesh - but I'm sorry, I feel nothing. Mahood, I felt a little, now and then: but what good did that do them? No, they'd be better advised to try something else. I felt the cang, the flies, the sawdust under my stumps, the tarpaulin on my skull (when they were mentioned to me). But can that be called a life which vanishes when the subject is changed? (I don't see why not. But they must have decreed it can't. ) They are too hard to please, they ask too much. They want me to have a pain in the neck (irrefragable proof of animation) while listening to talk of the heavens. They want me to have a mind where it is known once and for all that I have a pain in the neck, that flies are devouring me and that the heavens can do nothing to help. Let them scourge me without ceasing and evermore, more and more lustily (in view of the habituation factor): in the end I might begin to look as if I had grasped the meaning of life. (They might even take a breather from time to time, without my ceasing to howl. For they would have warned me, before they started: "You must howl, do you hear, otherwise it proves nothing? ") And worn out at last, or feeble with old age, and my cries having ceased for want of nourishment, they could pronounce me dead with every appearance of veracity. And without ever having had to move I would have gained my rest and heard them say (striking softly together their dry old hands as if to shake off the dust): "He'll never move again. " No that would be too simple. We must have the heavens and God knows what besides: lights, luminaries, the three-monthly ray of hope and the gleam of consolation. But let us close this parenthesis and, with a light heart, open the next. The noise. How long did I remain a pure ear? Up to the moment when it could go on no longer, being too good to last, compared to what was coming. These millions of different sounds, always the same, recurring without pause, are all one requires to sprout a head (a bud to begin with, finally huge): its function first to silence, then to extinguish when the eye joins in (and worse than the evil), its treasure-house. But no lingering on this thin ice. The mechanism matters little, provided I succeed in saying (before I go deaf) "It's a voice, and it speaks to me"; in inquiring, boldly, if it is not mine: in deciding (it doesn't matter how) that I have none; in blowing darkly hot and cold (with concomitant identical sensations). It's a starting-point, he's off. They don't
see me, but they hear me, panting, riveted (they don't know I'm riveted). He knows they are words, he is not sure they are not his: that's how it begins - with such a start no one ever looked back. One day he'll make them his (when he thinks he is alone, far from all men, out of range of every voice), and come to the light of day they keep telling him of. (Yes, I know they are words. There was a time I didn't - as I still don't know if they are mine. ) Their hopes are therefore founded. In their shoes I'd be content with my knowing what I know. I'd demand no more of me than to know that what I hear is not the innocent and necessary sound of dumb things constrained to endure, but the terror-stricken babble of the condemned to silence. I would have pity, give me quittance, not harry me into appearing my own destroyer. But they are severe, greedy: no less (perhaps more) than when I was playing Mahood. Instead of drawing in their horns! It's true I have not spoken yet. In at one ear and incontinent out through the mouth (or the other ear? - that's possible too, no sense in multiplying the occasions of error). Two holes and me in the middle, slightly choked. Or a single one (entrance and exit) where the words swarm and jostle like ants - hasty, indifferent, bringing nothing, taking nothing away, too light to leave a mark. I shall not say "I" again, ever again, it's too farcical. I shall put in its place, whenever I hear it, the third person (if I think of it). Anything to please them: it will make no difference. Where I am there is no one but me, who am not. So much for that. Words. (He says he knows they are words. But how can he know, who has never heard anything else? True. ) Not to mention other things, many others, to which the abundance of matter has unfortunately up to now prohibited the least allusion. For example (to begin with) his breathing. There he is now with breath in his nostrils (it only remains for him to suffocate). The thorax rises and falls, the wear and tear are in full spring. The rot spreads downwards. Soon he'll have legs, the possibility of crawling. More lies: he doesn't breathe yet. He'll never breathe. (Then what is this faint noise, as of air stealthily stirred, recalling the breath of life, to those it corrodes? It's a bad example. ) But these lights that go out hissing? Is it not more likely a great crackle of laughter, at the sight of his terror and distress? To see him flooded with light, then suddenly plunged back in darkness, must strike them as irresistibly funny. But they have been there so long now, on every side. They may have made a hole in the wall, a little hole, to glue their eyes to (turn and turn about). And these lights are perhaps those they shine upon him, from time to time, in order to observe the progress he is making. But this question of lights deserves to be treated in a section apart, it is so intriguing - and at length, composedly. And so it will be, at the first opportunity, when time is not so short, and the mind more composed. (Resolution
number twenty-three. ) And in the meantime the conclusion to be drawn? That the only noises Worm has had till now are those of mouths? Correct. Not forgetting the groaning of the air beneath the burden. He's coming, that's the main thing. When on earth later on the storms rage, drowning momentarily the free expression of opinion, he'll know what is afoot: that the end of the world is not at hand. No, in the place where he is he cannot learn, the head cannot work. He knows no more than on the first day. He merely hears, and suffers, uncomprehending (that must be possible). A head has grown out of his ear, the better to enrage him, that must be it. The head is there, glued to the ear, and in it nothing but rage (that's all that matters, for the time being). It's a transformer in which sound is turned, without the help of reason, to rage and terror. (That's all that is required, for the moment. The circumvolutionisation will be seen later, when they get him out. ) Why then the human voice, rather than a hyena's howls or the clanging of a hammer? Answer: so that the shock may not be too great, when the writhings of true lips meet his gaze. (Between them they find a rejoinder to everything. ) And how they enjoy talking! (They know there is no worse torment, for one not in the conversation. ) They are numerous, all round - holding hands perhaps, an endless chain, taking turns to talk. They wheel, in jerks, so that the voice always comes from the same quarter. But often they all speak at once, they all say simultaneously the same thing exactly - but so perfectly together that one would take it for a single voice, a single mouth (if one did not know that God alone can fill the rose of the winds, without moving from his place). ("One" - but not Worm, who says nothing, knows nothing, yet. ) Similarly turn and turn about they benefit by the peep-hole (those who care to). While one speaks another peeps: the one no doubt whose voice is next due and whose remarks may possibly have reference to what he may possibly have seen - this depending on whether what he has seen has aroused his interest to the extent of appearing worthy of remark (even indirectly). But what hope has sustained them, all the time they have been thus employed? For it is difficult not to suppose them sustained by some form of hope. And what is the nature of the change they are on the look out for, gluing one eye to the hole and closing the other? They have no pedagogic purpose in view, that's definite. There is no question of imparting to him any instruction whatsoever, for the moment. This catechist's tongue, honeyed and perfidious, is the only one they know. Let him move, try and move - that's all they ask, for the moment. No matter where he goes: being at the centre, he will go towards them. So he is at the centre! There is a clue of the highest interest! (It matters little to what. ) They look, to see if he has stirred. He is nothing but a shapeless heap, without a face capable of reflecting the niceties of a torment, but
the disposition of which (its greater or lesser degree of crouch and huddledness) is no doubt expressive, for specialists, and enables them to assess the chances of its suddenly making a bound, or dragging its coils faintly away, as if stricken to death. Somewhere in the heap an eye, a wild equine eye, always open. (They must have an eye, they see him possessed of an eye. ) No matter where he goes he will go towards them: towards their song of triumph (when they know he has moved), or towards their sudden silence (when they know he has moved) - to make him think he did well to move. Or towards the voice growing softer, as if receding, to make him think he is drawing away from them, but not yet far enough (whereas he is drawing nearer, nearer and nearer). No, he can't think anything, can't judge anything. But the kind of flesh he has is good enough, will try and go where peace seems to be, drop and lie where it suffers no more (or less), or can go no further. Then the voice will begin again (low at first, then louder), coming from the quarter they want him to retreat from - to make him think he is pursued and struggle on, towards them. In this way they'll bring him to the wall - and even to the precise point where they have made other holes through which to pass their arms and seize him. (How physical all this is! ) And then, unable to go any further, because of the obstacle (and unable to go any further in any case, and not needing to go any further for the moment, because of the great silence which has fallen), he will drop. Assuming he had risen. But even a reptile can drop, after a long flight (the expression may be used without impropriety). He will drop. It will be his first corner, his first experience of the vertical support, the vertical shelter (reinforcing those of the ground). That must be something, while waiting for oblivion: to feel a prop and buckler, not only for one of one's six planes, but for two, for the first time. But Worm will never know this joy but darkly (being less than a beast) before he is restored (more or less) to that state in which he was before the beginning of his prehistory. Then they will lay hold of him and gather him into their midst. (For if they could make a small hole for the eye, then bigger ones for the arms, they can make one bigger still for the transit of Worm, from darkness to light. ) But what is the good of talking about what they will do as soon as Worm sets himself in motion (so as to gather him without fail into their midst) - since he cannot set himself in motion, though he often desires to? (If when speaking of him one may speak of desire. And one may not, one should not. But there it is, that is the way to speak of him, that is the way to speak to him: as if he were alive, as if he could understand, as if he could desire, even if it serves no purpose - and it serves none. ) And it is a blessing for him he cannot stir, even though he suffers because of it. For it would be to sign his life-warrant, to stir from where he is, in search of a little calm and something of the
silence of old. But perhaps one day he will stir: the day when the little effort of the early stages, infinitely weak, will have become (by dint of repetition) a great effort, strong enough to tear him from where he lies. Or perhaps one day they will leave him in peace - letting go their hands, filling up the holes and departing, towards more profitable occupations, in Indian file. For a decision must be reached, the scales must tilt, to one side or the other. (No, one can spend one's life thus, unable to live, unable to bring to life, and die in vain, having done nothing, been nothing. ) It is strange they do not go and fetch him in his den, since they seem to have access to it? They dare not: the air in the midst of which he lies is not for them (and yet they want him to breathe theirs). They could set a dog on him perhaps, with instructions to drag him out. But no dog would survive there either, not for one second. With a long pole perhaps, with a hook at the end? But the place where he lies is vast (that's interesting). He is far, too far for them to reach him even with the longest pole. That tiny blur, in the depths of the pit, is he. (There he is now in a pit: no avenue will have been left unexplored. ) They say they see him. The blur is what they see. (They say the blur is he, perhaps it is. ) They say he hears them. (They don't know: perhaps he does. ) Yes, he hears: nothing else is certain. Worm hears. (Though hear is not the word. But it will do, it will have to do. ) They look down upon him then, according to the latest news: he'll have to climb to reach them. Bah, the latest news is not the last. The slopes are gentle that meet where he lies, they flatten out under him. It is not a meeting. It is not a pit. (That didn't take long: soon we'll have him perched on an eminence. ) They don't know what to say, to be able to believe in him, what to invent, to be reassured. They see nothing. They see grey (like still smoke, unbroken) where he might be (if he must be somewhere), where they have decreed he is. Into which they launch their voices, one after another, in the hope of dislodging him, hearing him stir, seeing him loom within reach of their gaffs, hooks, barbs, grapnels: saved at last, home at last. And now that's enough about them. Their usefulness is over. No, not yet, let them stay. They may still serve. Stay where they are, turning in a ring, launching their voices, through the hole (there must be a hole for the voices too). But is it them he hears? Are they really necessary that he may hear, they and kindred puppets? Enough concessions, to the spirit of geometry. He hears, that's all about it: he who is alone, and mute, lost in the smoke. (It is not real smoke, there is no fire. No matter. ) Strange hell that has no heating, no denizens. Perhaps it's paradise? Perhaps it's the light of paradise (and the solitude)? And this voice the voice of the blest interceding invisible, for the living, for the dead? All is possible. (It isn't the earth, that's all that counts: it can't be the earth. It can't be a hole in the earth, inhabited by Worm alone - or by others if you like,
huddled in a heap like him, mute, immovable. ) And this voice the voice of those who mourn them, envy them, call on them and forget them? (That would account for its incoherence. ) All is possible. (Yes, so much the worse. ) He knows it is a voice (how it is not known: nothing is known). He understands nothing it says (just a little, almost nothing). It's inexplicable, but it's necessary (it's preferable) that he should understand just a little, almost nothing: like a dog that always gets the same filth flung to it, the same orders, the same threats, the same cajoleries. That settles that. The end is in sight. But the eye: let's leave him his eye too. (It's to see with. It's to practise with, before he goes to Killarney. ) What does he do with it? He does nothing with it. The eye stays open: it's an eye without lids. No need for lids here, where nothing happens, or so little. (If he could blink he might miss the odd sight.
always leaving off: to try and drive me to extremities. But they dare not be silent for long, the whole fabrication might collapse. It's true I dread these gulfs they all bend over, straining their ears for the murmur of a man. It isn't silence, it's pitfalls - into which nothing would please me better than to fall (with the little cry that might be taken for human, like a wounded wistit, the first and last), and vanish for good and all, having squeaked. Well, if they ever succeed in getting me to give a voice to Worm (in a moment of euphory) perhaps I'll succeed in making it mine (in a moment of confusion). There we have the stake. But they won't. (Did they ever get Mahood to speak? It seems to me not. I think Murphy spoke now and then - the others too perhaps, I don't remember. But it was clumsily done, you could see the ventriloquist. ) And now I feel it's about to begin. They must consider me sufficiently stupefied, with all their balls about being and existing. Yes, now that I've forgotten who Worm is, where he is, what he's like, I'll begin to be. (Anything rather than these college quips. ) Quick: a place. With no way in, no way out - a safe place. (Not like Eden. ) And Worm inside. Feeling nothing, knowing nothing, capable of nothing, wanting nothing, until the instant he hears the sound that will never stop. Then it's the end, Worm no longer is. (We know it, but we don't say it: we say it's the awakening, the beginning of Worm. ) For now we must speak, and speak of Worm. It's no longer he: but let us proceed as if it were still he (he at last), who hears, and trembles, and is delivered over (to affliction and the struggle to withstand it). The starting eye, the labouring mind. Yes, let us call that thing Worm, so as to exclaim (the sleight of hand accomplished): "Oh look, life again! Life everywhere and always! The life that's on every tongue! The only possible! " Poor Worm, who thought he was different! There he is in the madhouse for life. Where am I? That's my first question, after an age of listening. From it (when it hasn't been answered) I'll rebound towards others, of a more personal nature. (Much later. ) Perhaps I'll even end up (before regaining my coma) by thinking of myself as living (technically speaking). But let us proceed with method. I shall do my best, as always (since I cannot do otherwise). I shall submit, more corpse-obliging than ever. I shall transmit the words as received (by the ear, or roared through a trumpet into the arsehole) in all their purity (and in the same order, as far as possible). This infinitesimal lag, between arrival and departure, this trifling delay in evacuation, is all I have to worry about. The truth about me will boil forth at last, scalding (provided of course they don't start stuttering again). I listen. Enough procrastination: I'm Worm. That is to say I am no longer he, since I hear. But I'll forget that in the heat of misery: I'll forget I'm no longer Worm, but a kind of tenth-rate Toussaint L'Ouverture (that's what they're counting on). Worm, then, I
catch this sound that will never stop: monotonous beyond words and yet not altogether devoid of a certain variety. At the end of I know not what eternity (they don't say) this has sufficiently exasperated my intelligence for it to grasp that the nuisance is a voice and that the realm of nature (in which I flatter myself I have a foot already) has other noises to offer which are even more unpleasant and may be relied on to make themselves heard before long. (Don't tell me after that I had no predispositions for man's estate. ) What a weary way since that first disaster! What nerves torn from the heart of insentience, with the appertaining terror and the cerebellum on fire! It took him a long time to adapt himself to this excoriation. To realize pooh it's nothing. A mere bagatelle. The common lot. A harmless joke. That will not last for ever. For me to gather while I may. They mentioned roses. I'll smell them before I'm finished. Then they'll put the accent on the thorns. What prodigious variety! The thorns they'll have to come and stick into me (as into their unfortunate Jesus). No, I need nobody: they'll start sprouting under my arse, unaided. (Some day I feel myself soaring above my condition. ) A billybowl of thorns and the air perfume-laden. But not so fast. I still leave much to be desired. I have no technique, none. For example (in case you don't believe me), I don't yet know how to move - either locally (in relation to myself) or bodily (in relation to the rest of the shit). (I don't know how to want to: I want to in vain. What doesn't come to me from me has come to the wrong address. ) Similarly my understanding is not yet sufficiently well-oiled to function without the pressure of some critical circumstance (such as violent pain felt for the first time). Some nice point in semantics, for example, of a nature to accelerate the march of the hours, could not retain my attention. For others the time-abolishing joys of impersonal and disinterested speculation: I only think (if that is the name for this vertiginous panic as of hornets smoked out of their nest) once a certain degree of terror has been exceeded. Does this mean I am less exposed to doing so, by the grace of inurement? To argue so would be to underestimate the extent of the repertory in which I am plunged and which (it appears) is nothing compared to what is in store for me at the conclusion of the novitiate. These lights gleaming low afar (then rearing up in a blaze and sweeping down upon me, blinding, to devour me) are merely one example. My familiarity with them avails me nothing: they invariably give me to reflect. Each time (at the last moment, just as I begin to scorch) they go out, smoking and hissing - and yet each time my phlegm is shattered. And in my head (which I am beginning to locate to my satisfaction, above and a little to the right) the sparks spurt and dash themselves out against the walls. And sometimes I say to myself I am in a head. (It's terror makes me say it, and the longing to be in safety, surrounded on all
sides by massive bone. ) And I add that I am foolish to let myself be frightened by another's thoughts, lacerating my sky with harmless fires and assailing me with noises signifying nothing. But one thing at a time. And often all sleeps (as when I was really Worm) except this voice which has denatured me: which never stops, but often grows confused and falters, as if it were going to abandon me. But it is merely a passing weakness. (Unless it is done on purpose, to teach me hope. ) Strange thing: ruined as I am and still young in this abjection they have brought me to, I sometimes seem to remember what I was when I was Worm, and not yet delivered into their hands. That's to tempt me into saying "I am indeed Worm after all", and into thinking that after all he may have become the thing that I have become. But it doesn't work. But they will devise another means, less childish, of getting me to admit (or pretend to admit) that I am he whose name they call me by, and no other. Or they'll wait: counting on my weariness (as they press me ever harder) to wipe him from my memory who cannot be brought to the pass they have brought me to (not to mention yesterday, not to mention tomorrow). And yet it seems to me I remember (and shall never forget) what I was like when I was he, before all became confused. But that is of course impossible, since Worm could not know what he was like, or who he was: that's how they want me to reason. And it seems to me too (which is even more deplorable) that I could become Worm again, if I were left in peace. This transmission is really excellent. I wonder if it is going to get us somewhere? If only they would stop talking for nothing, pending their stopping everything. Nothing? That's soon said. It is not for me to judge. (What would I judge with? ) It's more provocation. They want me to lose patience and rush, suddenly beside myself, to their rescue. (How transparent that all is! ) Sometimes I say to myself (they say to me, Worm says to me - the subject matters little) that my purveyors are more than one: four or five. But it's more likely the same foul brute all the time, amusing himself pretending to be a many, varying his register, his tone, his accent and his drivel. Unless it comes natural to him. (A bare and rusty hook I might accept. But all these titbits! ) But there are long silences too (at long intervals) during which (hearing nothing) I say nothing. That is to say I hear murmuring, if I listen hard enough. But it's not for me, it's for them alone: they are putting their heads together again. I don't hear what they say, all I know is they are still there, they haven't done with me. They have moved a little aside (secrets). Or if there is only one it is he alone, taking counsel with himself (muttering and chewing his moustache), getting ready for a fresh flow of inanity. To think of me eavesdropping - me! - when silence falls! Ah a nice state they have me in! But it's with the hope there is no one left. But this is not the time to speak of that. Good. Of what is it the time to
speak? Of Worm, at last. Good. We must first (to begin with) go back to his beginnings and then (to go on with) follow him patiently through the various stages (taking care to show their fatal concatenation) which have made him what I am. (The whole to be tossed off with bravura. ) Then notes from day to day, until I collapse. And finally (to wind up with) song and dance of thanksgiving by victim, to celebrate his nativity. (Please God nothing goes wrong. ) Mahood I couldn't die. Worm will I ever get born? It's the same problem. (But perhaps not the same personage after all. The scytheman will tell, it's all one to him. ) But let us go back (as planned) afterwards we'll fall forward (as projected). (The reverse would be more like it. But not by much. Upstream, downstream? What matter? ) I begin by the ear (that's the way to talk). Before that it was the night of time. Whereas ever since, what radiance! Now at least I know where I am, as far as my origins go (I mean considered as a subject of conversation - that's what counts). The moment one can say "Someone is on his way" all is well. Perhaps I have still a thousand years to go? No matter: he's on his way. I begin to be familiar with the premises. I wonder if I couldn't sneak out by the fundament, one morning, with the French breakfast? No, I can't move, not yet. (One minute in a skull and the next in a belly - strange! And the next nowhere in particular. Perhaps it's Botal's Foramen, when all about me palpitates and labours. ) Bait, bait! Can it be I have a friend among them, shaking his head in sorrow and saying nothing? Or only (from time to time) "Enough, enough"? One can be before beginning: they have set their hearts on that. They want me roots and all. This onwards-rushing time is the same which used to sleep? And this silence they yelp against in vain and which one day will be restored, the same as in the past? (Perhaps a little the worse for wear. ) Agreed, agreed - I who am on my way, words bellying out my sails, am also that unthinkable ancestor of whom nothing can be said. But perhaps I shall speak of him some day, and of the impenetrable age when I was he: some day when they fall silent, convinced at last I shall never get born (having failed to be conceived). Yes, perhaps I shall speak of him, for an instant (like the echo that mocks), before being restored to him, the one they could not part me from. And indeed they are weakening already, it's perceptible. But it's a feint, to have me rejoice without cause (after their fashion) and accept their terms, for the sake of peace at any price. But I can do nothing, that is what they seem to forget at each instant: I can't rejoice and I can't grieve. (It's in vain they explained to me how it's done, I never understood. ) And what terms? I don't know what it is they want. I say what it is, but I don't know. I emit sounds (better and better, it seems to me). If that's not enough for them I can't help it. If I speak of a head (referring to me) it's because I hear it being
spoken of. But why keep on saying the same thing? They hope things will change one day (it's natural). That one day on my wind-pipe (or some other section of the conduit) a nice little abscess will form, with an idea inside - point of departure for a general infection.
This would enable me to jubilate like a normal person, knowing why. And in no time I'd be a network of fistulae, bubbling with the blessed pus of reason. Ah if I were flesh and blood (as they are kind enough to posit) I wouldn't say no: there might be something in their little idea. They say I suffer like true thinking flesh - but I'm sorry, I feel nothing. Mahood, I felt a little, now and then: but what good did that do them? No, they'd be better advised to try something else. I felt the cang, the flies, the sawdust under my stumps, the tarpaulin on my skull (when they were mentioned to me). But can that be called a life which vanishes when the subject is changed? (I don't see why not. But they must have decreed it can't. ) They are too hard to please, they ask too much. They want me to have a pain in the neck (irrefragable proof of animation) while listening to talk of the heavens. They want me to have a mind where it is known once and for all that I have a pain in the neck, that flies are devouring me and that the heavens can do nothing to help. Let them scourge me without ceasing and evermore, more and more lustily (in view of the habituation factor): in the end I might begin to look as if I had grasped the meaning of life. (They might even take a breather from time to time, without my ceasing to howl. For they would have warned me, before they started: "You must howl, do you hear, otherwise it proves nothing? ") And worn out at last, or feeble with old age, and my cries having ceased for want of nourishment, they could pronounce me dead with every appearance of veracity. And without ever having had to move I would have gained my rest and heard them say (striking softly together their dry old hands as if to shake off the dust): "He'll never move again. " No that would be too simple. We must have the heavens and God knows what besides: lights, luminaries, the three-monthly ray of hope and the gleam of consolation. But let us close this parenthesis and, with a light heart, open the next. The noise. How long did I remain a pure ear? Up to the moment when it could go on no longer, being too good to last, compared to what was coming. These millions of different sounds, always the same, recurring without pause, are all one requires to sprout a head (a bud to begin with, finally huge): its function first to silence, then to extinguish when the eye joins in (and worse than the evil), its treasure-house. But no lingering on this thin ice. The mechanism matters little, provided I succeed in saying (before I go deaf) "It's a voice, and it speaks to me"; in inquiring, boldly, if it is not mine: in deciding (it doesn't matter how) that I have none; in blowing darkly hot and cold (with concomitant identical sensations). It's a starting-point, he's off. They don't
see me, but they hear me, panting, riveted (they don't know I'm riveted). He knows they are words, he is not sure they are not his: that's how it begins - with such a start no one ever looked back. One day he'll make them his (when he thinks he is alone, far from all men, out of range of every voice), and come to the light of day they keep telling him of. (Yes, I know they are words. There was a time I didn't - as I still don't know if they are mine. ) Their hopes are therefore founded. In their shoes I'd be content with my knowing what I know. I'd demand no more of me than to know that what I hear is not the innocent and necessary sound of dumb things constrained to endure, but the terror-stricken babble of the condemned to silence. I would have pity, give me quittance, not harry me into appearing my own destroyer. But they are severe, greedy: no less (perhaps more) than when I was playing Mahood. Instead of drawing in their horns! It's true I have not spoken yet. In at one ear and incontinent out through the mouth (or the other ear? - that's possible too, no sense in multiplying the occasions of error). Two holes and me in the middle, slightly choked. Or a single one (entrance and exit) where the words swarm and jostle like ants - hasty, indifferent, bringing nothing, taking nothing away, too light to leave a mark. I shall not say "I" again, ever again, it's too farcical. I shall put in its place, whenever I hear it, the third person (if I think of it). Anything to please them: it will make no difference. Where I am there is no one but me, who am not. So much for that. Words. (He says he knows they are words. But how can he know, who has never heard anything else? True. ) Not to mention other things, many others, to which the abundance of matter has unfortunately up to now prohibited the least allusion. For example (to begin with) his breathing. There he is now with breath in his nostrils (it only remains for him to suffocate). The thorax rises and falls, the wear and tear are in full spring. The rot spreads downwards. Soon he'll have legs, the possibility of crawling. More lies: he doesn't breathe yet. He'll never breathe. (Then what is this faint noise, as of air stealthily stirred, recalling the breath of life, to those it corrodes? It's a bad example. ) But these lights that go out hissing? Is it not more likely a great crackle of laughter, at the sight of his terror and distress? To see him flooded with light, then suddenly plunged back in darkness, must strike them as irresistibly funny. But they have been there so long now, on every side. They may have made a hole in the wall, a little hole, to glue their eyes to (turn and turn about). And these lights are perhaps those they shine upon him, from time to time, in order to observe the progress he is making. But this question of lights deserves to be treated in a section apart, it is so intriguing - and at length, composedly. And so it will be, at the first opportunity, when time is not so short, and the mind more composed. (Resolution
number twenty-three. ) And in the meantime the conclusion to be drawn? That the only noises Worm has had till now are those of mouths? Correct. Not forgetting the groaning of the air beneath the burden. He's coming, that's the main thing. When on earth later on the storms rage, drowning momentarily the free expression of opinion, he'll know what is afoot: that the end of the world is not at hand. No, in the place where he is he cannot learn, the head cannot work. He knows no more than on the first day. He merely hears, and suffers, uncomprehending (that must be possible). A head has grown out of his ear, the better to enrage him, that must be it. The head is there, glued to the ear, and in it nothing but rage (that's all that matters, for the time being). It's a transformer in which sound is turned, without the help of reason, to rage and terror. (That's all that is required, for the moment. The circumvolutionisation will be seen later, when they get him out. ) Why then the human voice, rather than a hyena's howls or the clanging of a hammer? Answer: so that the shock may not be too great, when the writhings of true lips meet his gaze. (Between them they find a rejoinder to everything. ) And how they enjoy talking! (They know there is no worse torment, for one not in the conversation. ) They are numerous, all round - holding hands perhaps, an endless chain, taking turns to talk. They wheel, in jerks, so that the voice always comes from the same quarter. But often they all speak at once, they all say simultaneously the same thing exactly - but so perfectly together that one would take it for a single voice, a single mouth (if one did not know that God alone can fill the rose of the winds, without moving from his place). ("One" - but not Worm, who says nothing, knows nothing, yet. ) Similarly turn and turn about they benefit by the peep-hole (those who care to). While one speaks another peeps: the one no doubt whose voice is next due and whose remarks may possibly have reference to what he may possibly have seen - this depending on whether what he has seen has aroused his interest to the extent of appearing worthy of remark (even indirectly). But what hope has sustained them, all the time they have been thus employed? For it is difficult not to suppose them sustained by some form of hope. And what is the nature of the change they are on the look out for, gluing one eye to the hole and closing the other? They have no pedagogic purpose in view, that's definite. There is no question of imparting to him any instruction whatsoever, for the moment. This catechist's tongue, honeyed and perfidious, is the only one they know. Let him move, try and move - that's all they ask, for the moment. No matter where he goes: being at the centre, he will go towards them. So he is at the centre! There is a clue of the highest interest! (It matters little to what. ) They look, to see if he has stirred. He is nothing but a shapeless heap, without a face capable of reflecting the niceties of a torment, but
the disposition of which (its greater or lesser degree of crouch and huddledness) is no doubt expressive, for specialists, and enables them to assess the chances of its suddenly making a bound, or dragging its coils faintly away, as if stricken to death. Somewhere in the heap an eye, a wild equine eye, always open. (They must have an eye, they see him possessed of an eye. ) No matter where he goes he will go towards them: towards their song of triumph (when they know he has moved), or towards their sudden silence (when they know he has moved) - to make him think he did well to move. Or towards the voice growing softer, as if receding, to make him think he is drawing away from them, but not yet far enough (whereas he is drawing nearer, nearer and nearer). No, he can't think anything, can't judge anything. But the kind of flesh he has is good enough, will try and go where peace seems to be, drop and lie where it suffers no more (or less), or can go no further. Then the voice will begin again (low at first, then louder), coming from the quarter they want him to retreat from - to make him think he is pursued and struggle on, towards them. In this way they'll bring him to the wall - and even to the precise point where they have made other holes through which to pass their arms and seize him. (How physical all this is! ) And then, unable to go any further, because of the obstacle (and unable to go any further in any case, and not needing to go any further for the moment, because of the great silence which has fallen), he will drop. Assuming he had risen. But even a reptile can drop, after a long flight (the expression may be used without impropriety). He will drop. It will be his first corner, his first experience of the vertical support, the vertical shelter (reinforcing those of the ground). That must be something, while waiting for oblivion: to feel a prop and buckler, not only for one of one's six planes, but for two, for the first time. But Worm will never know this joy but darkly (being less than a beast) before he is restored (more or less) to that state in which he was before the beginning of his prehistory. Then they will lay hold of him and gather him into their midst. (For if they could make a small hole for the eye, then bigger ones for the arms, they can make one bigger still for the transit of Worm, from darkness to light. ) But what is the good of talking about what they will do as soon as Worm sets himself in motion (so as to gather him without fail into their midst) - since he cannot set himself in motion, though he often desires to? (If when speaking of him one may speak of desire. And one may not, one should not. But there it is, that is the way to speak of him, that is the way to speak to him: as if he were alive, as if he could understand, as if he could desire, even if it serves no purpose - and it serves none. ) And it is a blessing for him he cannot stir, even though he suffers because of it. For it would be to sign his life-warrant, to stir from where he is, in search of a little calm and something of the
silence of old. But perhaps one day he will stir: the day when the little effort of the early stages, infinitely weak, will have become (by dint of repetition) a great effort, strong enough to tear him from where he lies. Or perhaps one day they will leave him in peace - letting go their hands, filling up the holes and departing, towards more profitable occupations, in Indian file. For a decision must be reached, the scales must tilt, to one side or the other. (No, one can spend one's life thus, unable to live, unable to bring to life, and die in vain, having done nothing, been nothing. ) It is strange they do not go and fetch him in his den, since they seem to have access to it? They dare not: the air in the midst of which he lies is not for them (and yet they want him to breathe theirs). They could set a dog on him perhaps, with instructions to drag him out. But no dog would survive there either, not for one second. With a long pole perhaps, with a hook at the end? But the place where he lies is vast (that's interesting). He is far, too far for them to reach him even with the longest pole. That tiny blur, in the depths of the pit, is he. (There he is now in a pit: no avenue will have been left unexplored. ) They say they see him. The blur is what they see. (They say the blur is he, perhaps it is. ) They say he hears them. (They don't know: perhaps he does. ) Yes, he hears: nothing else is certain. Worm hears. (Though hear is not the word. But it will do, it will have to do. ) They look down upon him then, according to the latest news: he'll have to climb to reach them. Bah, the latest news is not the last. The slopes are gentle that meet where he lies, they flatten out under him. It is not a meeting. It is not a pit. (That didn't take long: soon we'll have him perched on an eminence. ) They don't know what to say, to be able to believe in him, what to invent, to be reassured. They see nothing. They see grey (like still smoke, unbroken) where he might be (if he must be somewhere), where they have decreed he is. Into which they launch their voices, one after another, in the hope of dislodging him, hearing him stir, seeing him loom within reach of their gaffs, hooks, barbs, grapnels: saved at last, home at last. And now that's enough about them. Their usefulness is over. No, not yet, let them stay. They may still serve. Stay where they are, turning in a ring, launching their voices, through the hole (there must be a hole for the voices too). But is it them he hears? Are they really necessary that he may hear, they and kindred puppets? Enough concessions, to the spirit of geometry. He hears, that's all about it: he who is alone, and mute, lost in the smoke. (It is not real smoke, there is no fire. No matter. ) Strange hell that has no heating, no denizens. Perhaps it's paradise? Perhaps it's the light of paradise (and the solitude)? And this voice the voice of the blest interceding invisible, for the living, for the dead? All is possible. (It isn't the earth, that's all that counts: it can't be the earth. It can't be a hole in the earth, inhabited by Worm alone - or by others if you like,
huddled in a heap like him, mute, immovable. ) And this voice the voice of those who mourn them, envy them, call on them and forget them? (That would account for its incoherence. ) All is possible. (Yes, so much the worse. ) He knows it is a voice (how it is not known: nothing is known). He understands nothing it says (just a little, almost nothing). It's inexplicable, but it's necessary (it's preferable) that he should understand just a little, almost nothing: like a dog that always gets the same filth flung to it, the same orders, the same threats, the same cajoleries. That settles that. The end is in sight. But the eye: let's leave him his eye too. (It's to see with. It's to practise with, before he goes to Killarney. ) What does he do with it? He does nothing with it. The eye stays open: it's an eye without lids. No need for lids here, where nothing happens, or so little. (If he could blink he might miss the odd sight.
