No More Learning

Nobody should suffer his hero to have a black eye, or to
be pulled by the nose. The Iliad would never have come down
to these times if Agamemnon had given Achilles a box on
the ear. We should have trembled for the Eneid if any Tyr-
ian nobleman had kicked the pious Eneas in the fourth book.
Æneas may have deserved it; but he could not have founded the
Roman Empire after so distressing an accident.


## p. 13575 (#389) ##########################################

13575
TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT
(1721-1771)
BY PITTS DUFFIELD
MOLLETT is probably one of the least "literary" of the names
that live in English literature. For a long time, it is true,
the critics took him over-seriously. The people who first
had the task of writing his biography and estimating his genius set
the example. There is an edition of his works in 1797, twenty-six
years after his death, in which Dr. John Moore, before beginning the
life of his subject, feels obliged to expend
himself upon 'A View of the Commence-
ment and Progress of Romance. ' It is a dis-
sertation which the eighteenth-century folks
would have called "learned and ingenious. "
It begins with a "contrast between the
manners of the Greeks and Romans and
those of the Goths," examines the condition
of knight-errantry in the Middle Age, pos-
tulates Prince Arthur and Charlemagne as
the two original heroes of romance, touches
upon the troubadours, Dante, Cervantes, and
concludes with the products of Tobias Smol-
lett. Subsequent writers, continuing the in-
quiries thus set on foot, have tried, though
in vain, to ascribe to him some special contribution to letters, or some
special importance in the evolution of the English novel. The fact
is, that Smollett himself would have been the first to jeer at these
attempts to deal scientifically with him. He might have exclaimed,
as he makes some one do in Humphrey Clinker,' that he would
as soon expect "to see the use of trunk-hose and buttered ale"
deriving itself from the feudal system. Altogether, it is not hard to
find reasons why his popularity survives most genuinely among peo-
ple whose interests are uncritical and unliterary.
For one thing, he is nothing if not typical of the English writers.
who, without the genius which invents or the subtler genius which
makes old matter new, succeed nevertheless by the sheer force of
their British vigor in gaining a place by their more laborious broth-
In all Smollett's novels, where there is little anyway that is not
ers.

SMOLLETT


## p. 13576 (#390) ##########################################

13576
TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT
external in its aspects and observations, one finds nothing which has
not its origin in the actual experiences of his own life. Born in 1721
in Dalquhurn, in Dumbartonshire, of a good family but of a younger
son, he was dependent all his life on what he could earn himself;
and believing himself to be of a literary taste, he set out, after some
education and an apprenticeship to a surgeon in Glasgow, upon the
high-road to London. His tragedy, with which he had armed him-
self,The Regicide,' a story drawn from the powerful romance of
Scottish history, but treated in the hopeless pseudo-classic manner,-
came to nothing; and in 1741 he got an appointment as surgeon's
mate on one of the ships of the expedition to Carthagena.
It was
on this voyage that he met Miss Anne Lascelles, a reputed Jamaica
heiress, whose name he characteristically converted into Nancy Las-
sells. Next, after unsuccessful attempts at practice in London and in
Bath, he cooked up some of his adventures in 'Roderick Random,'
and for the first time was fairly successful. 'Peregrine Pickle,'
'Ferdinand, Count Fathom,' a translation of 'Don Quixote,' the edit-
orship of the Critical Review, his 'History of England,' 'Sir Laun-
celot Greaves,' and occasional poems and satires, were some of the
means by which he sought subsistence. In the mean time he had
traveled for his health in France and Italy; in 1771, soon after fin-
ishing Humphrey Clinker,' he died at Leghorn; and is celebrated
there, and on the banks of the Leven in Scotland, by monuments
with ponderous Latin epitaphs. One of the epitaphs is on the
theme of genius unappreciated; and the life on the whole was indeed
not happy. Macaulay is not much too rhetorical when he says Smol-
lett was most of the time "surrounded by printers' devils and fam-
ished scribblers. "
It is from such company and such adventures - the same, be it
noted, which are supposed to be valuable in the modern reporter's
stock in trade- that Smollett gets his distinguishing characteristic:
a fund of coarse but lively humor. Dr. John Moore says somewhat
mildly that "in the ardor of his satirical and humorous chase, Dr.
Smollett sometimes leaves delicacy too far behind. " The frankest
and healthiest way to state the question is to say that it is not a
question of delicacy at all. A certain coarseness of fibre in the
English, often their strength and not always their reproach, was first
touched upon fearlessly by the shrewd and observant Hawthorne.
What many brave or useful or wise men in many ages have sel-
dom been completely without, can hardly be condemned in Smollett
because with him it is undisguised. He had not the grace of the
French, the specious pathos of Sterne, or the deliberate euphemism
of the mawkish modern drama, to conceal the primal instincts of his
nature. People have called Smollett foul; but this, in certain moods,


## p. 13577 (#391) ##########################################

TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT
13577
may seem as wide of the mark as to call him simply indelicate.
'The Adventures of an Atom' are mentioned with a shudder when it
is necessary to mention them at all, yet they are scarcely worse than
the occasional conversation of very reputable medical students in all
times. It may be questioned, finally, whether it is any hurt to a lan-
guage to have nothing but specifically vulgar names for vulgar things,
and so escape the deification of lubricity to which less robust nations
commit themselves. Vigorous and outspoken, irreverent, and some-]
times too high-tempered, Smollett is a pervading exemplar of the
British humorist. He has indeed the scorn of affectation, which, in
spite of his exclusion from any evolutionary scheme of things, may
be regarded as one distinguishing trait of the modern funny man.
His attitude toward the Venus de Medici and the Pantheon in Rome
- which, in the case of the Venus at any rate, is after all not so very
discordant with modern æsthetic appreciation-may be said, half in
earnest, to stand for the kind of thing Mark Twain and others have
done in our own day. "The Pantheon," he declares, "after all that
has been said of it, looks like a huge cockpit open at the top;" and
the world of connoisseurs was in arms at once. Sterne satirized him
as the "learned Smelfungus, who set out with the spleen and the
jaundice. " But whether it was the jaundice or the spleen, the people
who read Smollett- who are rarely the people who read only for
the name of the thing. are just the ones to like him for being thor-
oughly, if a bit brutally, honest. People who read him to study him,
moreover, may remember with advantage that it is just this direct
and unaffected habit of expression that gives him his hold on life.
Editions of his works have been numerous and handy; and many a
reader who would yawn over more delicate tales, however seductive,
finds himself diverted by his pages. "Since Granville was turned
out," he says,
"there has been no minister in this nation worth the
meal that whitened his periwig. " That is the way to say things for
the average man, bent less on the speculations of art than on hearty
sense. The coarseness, or the foulness, which people condemn in
him, is perhaps the same at bottom with the instinct that makes his
style to-day still readable and vigorous.
Lady Mary Wortley Montagu and Sir Walter Scott-both interest-
ing critics have made what later critics call the mistake of crediting
Smollett with the gift of invention. Lady Mary was perhaps the
more excusable, since the extraordinary variety of incident in his
novels could not have been known to her to be transcripts from the
man's life. The language and the characters of British seamen and
surgeons' apprentices - the idiosyncrasies of Commodore Trunnion,
Pipes, Hatchway, and the famous Tom Bowling-had in the eigh-
teenth century a novelty which must have seemed more than mere
―――
-


## p. 13578 (#392) ##########################################

13578
TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT
reproductions. Thackeray, though he did abundant justice to Smol-
lett's humor, discerned that he depended less on invention than on
copying. The point now is that he had the resources to copy from,
and instinctively drew upon them. In this again he may have fore-
shadowed a modern method of procedure, which travels about the
earth in search of literary capital. In Smollett are found many of
the types which have since been elaborated in special departments
of fiction. His sea people, of course, may have had their prototypes
in the drama and in some of the older romances; but Smollett goes
further in carefully reproducing their talk, and the scenes and inci-
dents of their lives. Similarly, though unconsciously, his medical
episodes and similitudes may be forerunners of the medico-literary
and psycho-physical novels which find vogue in our own days. Wini-
fred Jenkins, also, in Humphrey Clinker,' is one of the most laugh-
able of the Malaprop breed; and her bad spelling, though it has been
often imitated, has rarely been improved on. So that if Smollett
cannot have been a force in evolution, he may at least have had a
few germs, whether of good or evil.
It is to be remembered lastly, whatever strictures may be passed
on his life and writings, that his valedictory was becoming. The
Expedition of Humphrey Clinker' is remarkable for the transforma-
tion and chastening which overspread his method and his manner.
That his vicissitudes troubled him, and sharpened his temper, may
be excused in the fact that when all was done he looked beneficently
on the world, and was willing to amuse it without making it laugh
over-loudly or cruelly. If his literary reputation suffers by what
the exigencies of his times and fortunes compelled him to do, he
lived through them to retrieve it. The style of 'Humphrey Clinker'
is easy and familiar, and the epistolary form in it more than usually
adapted to the desultory manner in which the narrative goes forward.
Here the critics are willing to admit that Smollett created charac-
ters over and above mere types, and put himself for once in a line
with Sterne and Fielding. Tabitha Bramble, Matthew Bramble, and
Lismahago, are really charming additions to the galleries of English
portraiture. Smollett is unusually hard to represent by a limited.
number of excerpts; his range is too wide to be surely represented
by less than a variety of his pages. Yet if one selection were to be
made, it should in justice to him be taken from the book in which
the worker has lived through the years of drudgery to become at
last, for once anyway, the artist.
Like his great contemporary Fielding, the author of 'Humphrey
Clinker' was born to the lot of literary hack. His case has many
resemblances to the literary workers of these days,-the days of in-
numerable hacks. He had in more ways than one the instincts, the


## p. 13579 (#393) ##########################################

TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT
13579
The jour-
temper, and the method of the modern newspaper man.
nalist who travels about confessedly to get material differs not essen-
tially from the writer who uses what fortuitous travel has brought
him. A ready humor, quick wit, and real though acrid sympathy,
are other details of the analogy. The sequel is only too apt to be a
story of dull routine and ultimate mediocrity. In the obscurity of
hackdom it must be, in some essence at least, a fine nature that
will not relax its efforts to do well what it has to do, and ends by
doing it better than ever. Smollett was, throughout his twenty-five
years of work, a conscientiously careful employer of the English
language. Perhaps, therefore, a point of view more grateful to him
and more adequately estimating him, would be not that which com-
pares him disadvantageously on the same level with Richardson,
Fielding, and Sterne; but that which credits him with having raised
himself from lower regions to a place near them.
Pits Duffica
A NAVAL SURGEON'S EXAMINATION IN THE EIGHTEENTH
CENTURY
From Roderick Random>
MR.
R. JACKSON'S exordium did not at all contribute to the recov-
ery of my spirits, but on the contrary, reduced me to
such a situation that I was scarce able to stand: which
being perceived by a plump gentleman who sat opposite to
me with a skull before him, he said Mr. Snarler was too severe
upon the young man; and turning towards me, told me I need
not be afraid, for nobody would do me any harm; then bidding
me take time to recollect myself, he examined me touching the
operation of the trepan, and was very well satisfied with my
answers.
The next person who questioned me was a wag, who began
by asking if I had ever seen an amputation performed; and I
replying in the affirmative, he shook his head and said, “What!
upon a dead subject, I suppose? If," continued he, "during an
engagement at sea, a man should be brought to you with his
head shot off, how would you behave? " After some hesitation,
I owned such a case had never come under my observation, nei-
ther did I remember to have seen any method of cure proposed


## p. 13580 (#394) ##########################################

13580
TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT
for such an accident in any of the systems of surgery I had
perused. Whether it was owing to the simplicity of my answer
or the archness of the question, I know not; but every mem-
ber of the board deigned to smile except Mr. Snarler, who seemed
to have very little of the animal risible in his constitution.
The facetious member, encouraged by the success of his last
joke, went on thus: "Suppose you was called to a patient of
a plethoric habit who had been bruised by a fall, what would
you do? »
I answered, "I would
would bleed him immediately. '
«< What," said he, "before you had tied up his arm? " But this
stroke of wit not answering his expectation, he desired me to
advance to the gentleman who sat next him, and who, with a
pert air, asked what method of cure I would follow in wounds of
the intestines. I repeated the method of cure as it is prescribed
by the best chirurgical writers; which he heard to an end, and
then said with a supercilious smile, "So you think by such a
treatment the patient might recover? " I told him I saw nothing
to make me think otherwise. "That may be," resumed he; "I
won't answer for your foresight: but did you ever know a case
of this kind succeed? " I answered I did not: and was about to
tell him I had never seen a wounded intesine; but he stopped
me by saying with some precipitation, "Nor never will. I affirm
that all wounds of the intestines, whether great or small, are
mortal. " "Pardon me, brother," says the fat gentleman, "there
is very good authority-" Here he was interrupted by another
with "Sir, excuse me, I despise all authority. Nullius in verba.
I stand upon my own bottom. " "But, sir, sir," replied his an-
tagonist, "the reason of the thing shows—» "A fig for reason,"
cried this sufficient member: "I laugh at reason,—give me
ocular demonstration. " The corpulent gentleman began to wax
warm, and observed that no man acquainted with the anatomy
of the parts would advance such an extravagant assertion. This
innuendo enraged the other so much that he started up, and in
a furious tone exclaimed, "What, sir! do you question my knowl
edge in anatomy? " By this time all the examiners had espoused
the opinion of one or the other of the disputants, and raised
their voices all together; when the chairman commanded silence,
and ordered me to withdraw.
In less than a quarter of an hour I was called in again,
received my qualification sealed up, and was ordered to pay five
shillings. I laid down my half-guinea upon the table, and stood


## p. 13581 (#395) ##########################################

TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT
13581
some time until one of them bade me begone: to this I replied,
"I will, when I have got my change; " upon which another threw
me five shillings and sixpence, saying I would not be a true
Scotchman if I went away without my change. I was afterwards
obliged to give three shillings and sixpence to the beadles, and
a shilling to an old woman who swept the hall. This disburse-
ment sunk my finances to thirteen pence halfpenny, with which
I was sneaking off; when Jackson, perceiving it, came up to me
and begged I would tarry for him, and he would accompany me
to the other end of the town as soon as his examination should
be over.
I could not refuse this to a person that was so much my
friend; but I was astonished at the change of his dress, which
was varied in half an hour from what I have already described,
to a very grotesque fashion. His head was covered with an
old smoked tie-wig that did not boast one crooked hair, and
a slouched hat over it which would have very well become a
chimney-sweeper or a dustman; his neck was adorned with a
black crape, the ends of which he had twisted and fixed in the
buttonhole of a shabby greatcoat that wrapt up his whole body;
his white silk stockings were converted into black worsted hose;
and his countenance was rendered venerable by wrinkles and a
beard of his own painting. When I expressed my surprise at
this metamorphosis, he laughed, and told me it was done by the
advice and assistance of a friend who lived over the way, and
would certainly produce something very much to his advan-
tage; for it gave him the appearance of age, which never fails
of attracting respect.
I applauded his sagacity, and waited with impatience for the
effects of it. At length he was called in: but whether the
oddness of his appearance excited a curiosity more than usual
in the board, or his behavior was not suitable to his figure, I
know not; he was discovered to be an impostor, and put into
the hands of the beadle, in order to be sent to bridewell. So
that instead of seeing him come out with a cheerful counte-
nance and a surgeon's qualification in his hand, I perceived him
led through the outward hall as a prisoner, and was very much
alarmed and anxious to know the occasion; when he called with
a lamentable voice and piteous aspect to me, and some others
who knew him, "For God's sake, gentlemen, bear witness that
I am the same individual, John Jackson, who served as surgeon's


## p. 13582 (#396) ##########################################

13582
TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT
second mate on board the Elizabeth,- or else I shall go to
bridewell. " It would have been impossible for the most aus-
tere hermit that ever lived to have refrained from laughing at
his appearance and address: we therefore indulged ourselves a
good while at his expense, and afterwards pleaded his cause so
effectually with the beadle, who was gratified with half a crown,
that the prisoner was dismissed, and in a few moments resumed
his former gayety; swearing, since the board had refused his
money, he would spend it every shilling before he went to bed
in treating his friends; at the same time inviting us all to favor
him with our company.
RODERICK IS "PRESSED » INTO THE NAVY
From Roderick Random>
I
saw no resource but the army or navy; between which I hesi-
tated so long that I found myself reduced to a starving
condition. My spirit began to accommodate itself to my beg
garly fate, and I became so mean as to go down towards Wap-
ping, with an intention to inquire for an old schoolfellow, who,
I understood, had got the command of a smail coasting vessel,
then in the river, and implore his assistance. But my destiny
prevented this abject piece of behavior; for as I crossed Tower
Wharf, a squat, tawny fellow, with a hanger by his side and a
cudgel in his hand, came up to me, calling, "Yo! ho! brother:
you must come along with me! " As I did not like his appear-
ance, instead of answering his salutation I quickened my pace,
in hope of ridding myself of his company; upon which he whis-
tled aloud, and immediately another sailor appeared before me,
who laid hold of me by the collar and began to drag me along.
Not being in a humor to relish such treatment, I disengaged
myself of the assailant, and with one blow of my cudgel laid
him motionless on the ground; and perceiving myself surrounded
in a trice by ten or a dozen more, exerted myself with such dex-
terity and success that some of my opponents were fain to attack
me with drawn cutlasses: and after an obstinate engagement, in
which I received a large wound on my head and another on my
left cheek, I was disarmed, taken prisoner, and carried on board
a pressing-tender; where, after being pinioned like a malefactor,
I was thrust down into the hold among a parcel of miserable


## p. 13583 (#397) ##########################################

TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT
13583
wretches, the sight of whom well-nigh distracted me. As the
commanding officer had not humanity enough to order my
wounds to be dressed, and I could not use my own hands, I
desired one of my fellow-captives, who was unfettered, to take
a handkerchief out of my pocket, and tie it round my head to
stop the bleeding. He pulled out my handkerchief, 'tis true; but
instead of applying it to the use for which I designed it, went
to the grating of the hatchway, and with astonishing composure
sold it before my face to a bumboat woman then on board, for
a quart of gin, with which he treated my companions, regardless
of my circumstances and entreaties.
I complained bitterly of this robbery to the midshipman on
deck, telling him at the same time that unless my hurts were
dressed I should bleed to death. But compassion was a weak-
ness of which no man could justly accuse this person, who,
squirting a mouthful of dissolved tobacco upon me through the
gratings, told me "I was a mutinous dog, and that I might die
and be d-d. " Finding there was no other remedy, I appealed
to patience, and laid up this usage in my memory, to be recalled
at a fitter season. In the mean time, loss of blood, vexation, and
want of food, contributed with the noisome stench of the place
to throw me into a swoon; out of which I was recovered by a
tweak of the nose, administered by the tar who stood sentinel over
us, who at the same time regaled me with a draught of flip, and
comforted me with the hopes of being put on board the Thunder
next day, where I should be freed of my handcuffs, and cured of
my wounds by the doctor. I no sooner heard him name the
Thunder, than I asked if he had belonged to that ship long? and
he giving me to understand he had belonged to her five years,
I inquired if he knew Lieutenant Bowling? "Know Lieutenant
Bowling? " said he, "odds my life! and that I do: and a good
seaman he is as ever stepped upon forecastle; and a brave fellow
as ever cracked biscuit: none of your guinea-pigs, nor your fresh-
water, wishy-washy, fair-weather fowls. Many a tough gale of
wind has honest Tom Bowling and I weathered together. Here's
his health with all my heart, wherever he is, aloft or alow; in
heaven or in hell; all's one for that - he needs not be ashamed
to show himself. " I was so much affected with this eulogium
that I could not refrain from telling him that I was Lieuten-
ant Bowling's kinsman; in consequence of which connection he
expressed an inclination to serve me; and when he was relieved,
-


## p. 13584 (#398) ##########################################

13584
TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT
brought some cold boiled beef in a platter, and biscuit, on which
we supped plentifully, and afterwards drank another can of flip
together.
While we were thus engaged, he recounted a great many
exploits of my uncle, who I found was very much beloved by
the ship's company, and pitied for the misfortune that had
happened to him in Hispaniola, which I was very glad to be
informed was not so great as I imagined; for Captain Oakum
had recovered of his wounds, and actually at that time com-
manded the ship. Having by accident in my pocket my uncle's
letter, written from Port Louis, I gave it to my benefactor (whose
name was Jack Rattlin) for his perusal; but honest Jack told me.
frankly he could not read, and desired to know the contents, -
which I immediately communicated. When he heard that part
of it in which he says he had written to his landlord in Deal,
he cried, "Body o' me! that was old Ben Block: he was dead
before the letter came to hand. Ey, ey, had Ben been alive,
Lieutenant Bowling would have had no occasion to skulk so long.
Honest Ben was the first man that taught him to hand, reef,
and steer. Well, well, we must all die, that's certain; we must
all come to port sooner or later, at sea or on shore; we must
be fast moored one day; death's like the best bower-anchor, as
the saying is,- it will bring us all up.
>>
I could not but signify my approbation of the justness of
Jack's reflections; and inquired into the occasion of the quar-
rel between Captain Oakum and my uncle, which he explained
in this manner. "Captain Oakum, to be sure, is a good man
enough; besides, he's my commander: but what's that to me? I
do my duty, and value no man's anger of a rope's-end. Now
the report goes as how he's a lord, or baron-knight's brother,
whereby, d'ye see me, he carries a straight arm, and keeps aloof
from his officers, thof mayhap they may be as good men in the
main as he. Now, we lying at anchor in Tuberoon Bay, Lieu-
tenant Bowling had the middle watch: and as he always kept
a good lookout, he made, d'ye see, three lights in the offing,
whereby he ran down to the great cabin for orders, and found
the captain asleep; whereupon he waked him, which put him in
a main high passion, and he swore woundily at the lieutenant,
and called him swab and lubber, whereby the lieutenant returned
the salute, and they jawed together, fore and aft, a good spell,
till at last the captain turned out, and laying hold of a rattan,
――――――――


## p. 13585 (#399) ##########################################

TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT
13585
came athwart Mr. Bowling's quarter; whereby he told the cap-
tain that if he was not his commander he would heave him
overboard, and demanded satisfaction ashore; whereby in the
morning watch the captain went ashore in the pinnace, and
afterwards the lieutenant carried the cutter ashore; and so they,
leaving the boats' crews on their oars, went away together; and
so, d'ye see, in less than a quarter of an hour we heard firing,
whereby we made for the place, and found the captain lying
wounded on the beach, and so brought him on board to the doc-
tor, who cured him in less than six weeks. But the lieutenant
clapped on all the sail he could bear, and had got far enough
ahead before we knew anything of the matter, so that we could
never after get sight of him; for which we were not sorry,
because the captain was mainly wroth, and would certainly have
done him a mischief; for he afterwards caused him to be run or
the ship's books, whereby he lost all his pay, and if he should be
taken would be tried as a deserter. "
This account of the captain's behavior gave me no advan-
tageous idea of his character; and I could not help lament-
ing my own fate, that had subjected me to such a commander
However, making a virtue of necessity, I put a good face on the
matter, and next day was, with the other pressed men, put on
board the Thunder, lying at the Nore. When we came alongside,
the mate who guarded us thither ordered my handcuffs to be
taken off, that I might get on board the easier. This circumstance
being perceived by some of the company who stood upon the
gang-boards to see us enter, one of them called to Jack Rattlin,
who was busy in doing this friendly office for me,-"Hey, Jack,
what Newgate galley have you boarded in the river as you came.
along? have we not thieves enow among us already? " Another,
observing my wounds which remained exposed to the air, told
me my seams were uncalked, and that I must be new payed.
A third, seeing my hair clotted together with blood, as it were,
into distinct cords, took notice that my bows were manned with
the red ropes instead of my side. A fourth asked me if I could
not keep my yards square without iron braces? And in short,
a thousand witticisms of the same nature were passed upon me
before I could get up the ship's side. After we had been all
entered upon the ship's books, I inquired of one of my shipmates
where the surgeon was, that I might have my wounds dressed;
and had actually got as far as the middle deck-for our ship
XXIII-850


## p. 13586 (#400) ##########################################

13586
TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT
carried eighty guns-in my way to the cockpit, when I was
met by the same midshipman who had used me so barbarously
in the tender. He, seeing me free from my chains, asked with
an insolent air who had released me?
I'll teach
To this question I foolishly answered, with a countenance that
too plainly declared the state of my thoughts, "Whoever did it,
I am persuaded, did not consult you in the affair. "
I had no
sooner uttered these words, than he cried, "You
you to talk so to your officer. " So saying, he bestowed on
me several stripes with a supple-jack he had in his hand; and
going to the commanding officer, made such a report of me that
I was immediately put in irons by the master-at-arms, and a sen-
tinel placed over me. Honest Rattlin, as soon as he heard of
my condition, came to me, and administered all the consolation
he could; and then went to the surgeon in my behalf, who sent
one of his mates to dress my wounds.
This mate was no other than my old friend Thompson, with
whom I became acquainted at the navy office, as before men-
tioned. If I knew him at first sight, it was not easy for him to
recognize me, disfigured with blood and dirt, and altered by the
misery I had undergone. Unknown as I was to him, he sur-
veyed me with looks of compassion; and handled my sores with
great tenderness. When he had applied what he thought proper,
and was about to leave me, I asked him if my misfortunes
had disguised me so much that he could not recollect my face?
Upon this address, he observed me with great earnestness for
some time, and at length protested that he could not recollect
one feature of my countenance. To keep him no longer in sus-
pense, I told him my name: which when he heard, he embraced
me with affection, and professed his sorrow at seeing me in such
a disagreeable situation. I made him acquainted with my story;
and when he heard how inhumanly I had been used in the ten-
der, he left me abruptly, assuring me I should see him again
soon. I had scarce time to wonder at his sudden departure,
when the master-at-arms came to the place of my confinement
and bade me follow him to the quarter-deck; where I was exam-
ined by the first lieutenant, who commanded the ship in the
absence of the captain, touching the treatment I had received in
the tender from my friend the midshipman, who was present to
confront me. I recounted the particulars of his behavior to me,
not only in the tender, but since my being on board the ship;
"


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TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT
13587
part of which being proved by the evidence of Jack Rattlin and
others, who had no great devotion for my oppressor, I was dis-
charged from confinement to make way for him, who was deliv-
ered to the master-at-arms to take his turn in the bilboes. And
this was not the only satisfaction I enjoyed; for I was, at the
request of the surgeon, exempted from all other duty than that
of assisting his mates in making and administering medicines
to the sick. This good office I owed to the friendship of Mr.
Thompson, who had represented me in such a favorable light to
the surgeon that he demanded me of the lieutenant to supply
the place of his third mate, who was lately dead.
RODERICK VISITS A GAMING-HOUSE
From Roderick Random>
Α'
T LENGTH, however, finding myself reduced to my last guinea,
I was compelled to disclose my necessity, though I endeav-
ored to sweeten the discovery by rehearsing to him the daily
assurances I received from my patron. But these promises were
not of efficacy sufficient to support the spirits of my friend, who
no sooner understood the lowness of my finances, than uttering
a dreadful groan, he exclaimed, "In the name of God, what shall
we do! " In order to comfort him, I said that many of my
acquaintance who were in a worse condition than we, supported
notwithstanding the character of gentlemen; and advising him
to thank God that we had as yet incurred no debt, proposed he
should pawn my sword of steel inlaid with gold, and trust to my
discretion for the rest. This expedient was wormwood and gall
to poor Strap, who, in spite of his invincible affection for me,
still retained notions of economy and expense suitable to the
narrowness of his education; nevertheless he complied with my
request, and raised seven pieces on the sword in a twinkling.
This supply, inconsiderable as it was, made me as happy for the
present as if I had kept five hundred pounds in bank: for by
this time I was so well skilled in procrastinating every trouble-
some reflection that the prospect of want seldom affected me
much, let it be never so near. And now indeed it was nearer
than I imagined: my landlord, having occasion for money, put
me in mind of my being indebted to him five guineas for lodg-
ing, and telling me he had a sum to make up, begged I would


## p. 13588 (#402) ##########################################

13588
TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT
excuse his importunity and discharge the debt.
Though I could
ill spare so much cash, my pride took the resolution of disburs
ing it.
This I did in a cavalier manner; after he had written a
discharge, telling him with an air of scorn and resentment I saw
he was resolved that I should not be long in his books: while
Strap, who stood by and knew my circumstances, wrung his
hands in secret, gnawed his nether-lip, and turned yellow with
despair. Whatever appearance of indifference my vanity enabled
me to put on, I was thunderstruck with this demand, which I
had no sooner satisfied than I hastened into company, with a
view of beguiling my cares with conversation, or of drowning
them with wine.
After dinner a party was accordingly made in the coffee-
house, from whence we adjourned to the tavern; where, instead
of sharing the mirth of the company, I was as much chagrined
at their good-humor as a damned soul in hell would be at a
glimpse of heaven. In vain did I swallow bumper after bumper;
the wine had lost its effect upon me, and far from raising my
dejected spirits, could not even lay me asleep. Banter, who was
the only intimate I had (Strap excepted), perceived my anxi-
ety, and when we broke up reproached me with pusillanimity,
for being cast down at any disappointment that such a rascal as
Strutwell could be the occasion of. I told him I did not at all
see how Strutwell's being a rascal alleviated my misfortune; and
gave him to understand that my present grief did not so much
proceed from that disappointment as from the low ebb of my
fortune, which was sunk to something less than two guineas. At
this declaration he cried, "Pshaw! is that all? " and assured me
there were a thousand ways of living in town without a fortune,
he himself having subsisted many years entirely by his wit. I
expressed an eager desire of becoming acquainted with some of
these methods; and he, without further expostulation, bade me
follow him.
He conducted me to a house under the piazzas in Covent
Garden, which we entered, and having delivered our swords to
a grim fellow who demanded them at the foot of the staircase,
ascended to the second story, where I saw multitudes of people
standing round two gaming-tables, loaded in a manner with gold
and silver. My conductor told me this was the house of a
worthy Scotch lord, who, using the privilege of his peerage, had
set up public gaming-tables, from the profits of which he drew a


## p. 13589 (#403) ##########################################

TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT
13589
comfortable livelihood. He then explained the difference between
the sitters and the betters; characterized the first as "old hooks, >>
and the last as "bubbles": and advised me to try my fortune at
the silver table, by betting a crown at a time. Before I would
venture anything, I considered the company more particularly;
and there appeared such a group of villainous faces that I was
struck with horror and astonishment at the sight. I signified my
surprise to Banter, who whispered in my ear that the bulk of
those present were sharpers, highwaymen, and apprentices who
having embezzled their masters' cash, made a desperate push
in this place to make up their deficiencies. This account did
not encourage me to hazard any part of my small pittance; but
at length, being teased by the importunities of my friend, who
assured me there was no danger of being ill used, because peo-
ple were hired by the owner to see justice done to everybody, I
began by risking one shilling, and in less than an hour my win-
ning amounted to thirty. Convinced by this time of the fair-
ness of the game, and animated with success, there was no need
of further persuasion to continue the play. I lent Banter (who
seldom had any money in his pocket) a guinea, which he carried
to the gold table, and lost in a moment. He would have bor.
rowed another; but finding me deaf to his arguments, went away
in a pet. Meanwhile my gain advanced to six pieces, and my
desire for more increased in proportion; so that I moved to the
higher table, where I laid half a guinea on every throw: and
fortune still favoring me, I became a sitter, in which capacity
I remained until it was broad day; when I found myself, after
many vicissitudes, one hundred and fifty guineas in pocket.
Thinking it now high time to retire with my booty, I asked
if anybody would take my place, and made a motion to rise;
upon which an old Gascon who sat opposite to me, and of whom I
had won a little money, started up with fury in his looks, crying,
"Restez, restez: il faut donner moi mon ravanchio! " At the
same time, a Jew who sat near the other insinuated that I was
more beholden to art than to fortune for what I had got; that
he had observed me wipe the table very often, and that some of
the divisions seemed to be greasy. This intimation produced a
great deal of clamor against me, especially among the losers;
who threatened, with many oaths and imprecations, to take me
up by a warrant as a sharper, unless I would compromise the
affair by refunding the greatest part of my winning. Though I


## p. 13590 (#404) ##########################################

13590
TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT
was far from being easy under this accusation, I relied upon my
innocence, threatened in my turn to prosecute the Jew for defa-
mation, and boldly offered to submit my cause to the examina-
tion of any justice in Westminster: but they knew themselves too
well to put their characters on that issue; and finding I was not
to be intimidated into any concession, dropped their plea and
made way for me to withdraw. I would not, however, stir from
the table until the Israelite had retracted what he had said to
my disadvantage, and asked pardon before the whole assembly.
«<
As I marched out with my prize I happened to tread upon
the toes of a tall raw-boned fellow, with a hooked nose, fierce
eyes, black thick eyebrows, a pigtail wig of the same color, and
a formidable hat pulled over his forehead, who stood gnawing
his fingers in the crowd, and no sooner felt the application of
my shoe-heel than he roared out in a tremendous voice, Blood
and wounds! what's that for? " I asked pardon with a great
deal of submission, and protested I had no intention of hurting
him: but the more I humbled myself the more he stormed, and
insisted upon gentlemanly satisfaction, at the same time provok-
ing me with scandalous names that I could not put up with; so
that I gave a loose to my passion, returned his billingsgate, and
challenged him to follow me down to the piazzas. His indigna-
tion cooling as mine warmed, he refused my invitation, saying
he would choose his own time, and returned towards the table,
muttering threats which I neither dreaded nor distinctly heard;
but descending with great deliberation, received my sword from
the doorkeeper, whom I gratified with a guinea according to the
custom of the place, and went home in a rapture of joy.
OLD-FASHIONED LOVE-MAKING: AN OLD-FASHIONED
WEDDING
From Peregrine Pickle'
PR
EREGRINE, whose health required the enjoyment of fresh air
after his long confinement, sent a message to Emilia that
same night announcing his arrival, and giving her notice
that he would breakfast with her next morning; when he and
our hero, who had dressed himself for the purpose, taking a
hackney-coach, repaired to her lodging, and were introduced into
a parlor adjoining that in which the tea-table was set. Here


## p. 13591 (#405) ##########################################

TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT
·
13591
they had not waited many minutes when they heard the sound
of feet coming down-stairs; upon which our hero's heart began
to beat the alarm. He concealed himself behind the screen,
by the direction of his friend, whose ears being saluted with
Sophy's voice from the next room, he flew into it with great
ardor, and enjoyed upon her lips the sweet transports of a meet-
ing so unexpected; for he had left her in her father's house at
Windsor.
«<<
Amidst these emotions, he had almost forgotten the situation
of Peregrine; when Emilia, assuming her enchanting air,—“Is
not this," said she, "a most provoking scene to a young woman
like me, who am doomed to wear the willow, by the strange
caprice of my lover? Upon my word, brother, you have done.
me infinite prejudice in promoting this jaunt with my obstinate
correspondent, who, I suppose, is so ravished with this transient
glimpse of liberty that he will never be persuaded to incur un-
necessary confinement for the future. " My dear sister," replied
the captain tauntingly, "your own pride set him the example;
so you must e'en stand to the consequence of his imitation. "
་
"'Tis a hard case, however," answered the fair offender, "that
I should suffer all my life by one venial trespass. Heigh ho!
who would imagine that a sprightly girl such as I, with ten
thousand pounds, should go a-begging? I have a good mind to
marry the next person that asks me the question, in order to be
revenged upon this unyielding humorist. Did the dear fellow
discover no inclination to see me, in all the term of his release-
ment? Well, if ever I catch the fugitive again, he shall sing in
his cage for life. ”
It is impossible to convey to the reader a just idea of Per-
egrine's transports while he overheard this declaration,- which
was no sooner pronounced, than, unable to resist the impetuos-
ity of his passion, he sprung from his lurking-place, exclaiming,
"Here I surrender! " and rushing into her presence, was so daz-
zled with her beauty that his speech failed: he was fixed like a
statue to the floor; and all his faculties were absorbed in admi-
ration. Indeed she was now in the full bloom of her charms,
and it was nearly impossible to look upon her without emotion.
The ladies screamed with surprise at his appearance, and Emilia
underwent such agitation as flushed every charm with irresistible
energy.
While he was almost fainting with unutterable delight, she
seemed to sink under the tumults of tenderness and confusion;


## p. 13592 (#406) ##########################################

13592
TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT
when our hero, perceiving her condition, obeyed the impulse of
his love and circled the charmer in his arms, without suffering
the least frown or symptom of displeasure. Not all the pleas-
ures of his life had amounted to the ineffable joy of this em-
brace, in which he continued for some minutes totally entranced.
He fastened upon her pouting lips with all the eagerness of
rapture; and while his brain seemed to whirl round with trans-
port, exclaimed in a delirium of bliss, "Heaven and earth! this
is too much to bear. "
His imagination was accordingly relieved, and his attention in
some measure divided, by the interposition of Sophy, who kindly
chid him for his having overlooked his old friends: thus accosted,
he quitted his delicious armful, and saluting Mrs. Gauntlet, asked
pardon for his neglect; observing that such rudeness was excusa-
ble, considering the long and unhappy exile which he had suf-
fered from the jewel of his soul. Then turning to Emilia,— “ I
am come, madam," said he, "to claim the performance of your
promise, which I can produce under your own fair hand: you
may therefore lay aside all superfluous ceremony and shyness,
and crown my happiness without farther delay; for upon my
soul! my thoughts are wound up to the last pitch of expectation,
and I shall certainly run distracted if I am doomed to any term
of probation. "
His mistress, having by this time recollected herself, replied
with a most exhilarating smile, "I ought to punish you for your
obstinacy with the mortification of a twelvemonth's trial; but it
is dangerous to tamper with an admirer of your disposition,
and therefore I think I must make sure of you while it is in my
power. "
"You are willing then to take me for better for worse, in
presence of Heaven and these witnesses? " cried Peregrine kneel-
ing, and applying her hand to his lips.
At this interrogation, her features softened into an amazing
expression of condescending love; and while she darted a side
glance that thrilled to his marrow, and heaved a sigh more soft
than Zephyr's balmy wing, her answer was, "Why-ay- and
Heaven grant me patience to bear the humors of such a yoke-
fellow. "
"And may the same powers," replied the youth, "grant me
life and opportunity to manifest the immensity of my love.
Meanwhile I have eighty thousand pounds, which shall be laid
in your lap. "


## p. 13593 (#407) ##########################################

TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT
13593
So saying, he sealed the contract upon her lips, and explained
the mystery of his last words, which had begun to operate upon
the wonder of the two sisters. Sophy was agreeably surprised.
with the account of his good fortune: nor was it, in all prob-
ability, unacceptable to the lovely Emilia; though from this
information she took an opportunity to upbraid her admirer with
the inflexibility of his pride, which, she scrupled not to say, would
have baffled all the suggestions of passion had it not been grati-
fied by this providential event.
Matters being thus happily matured, the lover begged that
immediate recourse might be had to the church, and his happi-
ness ascertained. He fell at her feet in all the agony of impa-
tience; swore that his life and intellects would actually be in
jeopardy by her refusal: and when she attempted to argue him
out of his demand, began to rave with such extravagance that
Sophy was frightened into conviction; and Godfrey enforcing
the remonstrances of his friend, the amiable Emilia was teased
into compliance.
•
.
He accordingly led her into the dining-room, where the cere-
mony was performed without delay; and after the husband had
asserted his prerogative on her lips, the whole company saluted
her by the name of Mrs. Pickle.
An express was immediately dispatched to Mrs. Gauntlet with
an account of her daughter's marriage; a town-house was hired,
and a handsome equipage set up, in which the new-married
pair appeared at all public places, to the astonishment of our
adventurer's fair-weather friends and the admiration of all the
world: for in point of figure such another couple was not to
be found in the whole United Kingdom. Envy despaired, and
detraction was struck dumb, when our hero's new accession of
fortune was consigned to the celebration of public fame; Emilia
attracted the notice of all observers, from the pert Templar to
the Sovereign himself, who was pleased to bestow encomiums.
upon the excellence of her beauty. Many persons of conse-
quence, who had dropped the acquaintance of Peregrine in the
beginning of his decline, now made open efforts to cultivate his
friendship anew: but he discouraged all these advances with the
most mortifying disdain; and one day when the nobleman whom
he had formerly obliged came up to him in the drawing-room,
with the salutation of "Your servant, Mr. Pickle," he eyed
him with a look of ineffable contempt, saying, "I suppose your


## p. 13594 (#408) ##########################################

TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT
13594
Lordship is mistaken in your man," and turned his head an-
other way in presence of the whole court.
When he had made a circuit round all the places frequented
by the beau monde, to the utter confusion of those against whom
his resentment was kindled, paid off his debts, and settled his
money matters in town, Hatchway was dismissed to the country,
in order to prepare for the reception of his fair Emilia.
In a
few days after his departure, the whole company (Cadwallader
himself included) set out for his father's house; and in their way
took up Mrs. Gauntlet, the mother, who was sincerely rejoiced to
see our hero in the capacity of her son-in-law.
HUMPHREY CLINKER IS PRESENTED TO THE READER
From a letter to Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart. , in The Expedition of
Humphrey Clinker ›
DE
EAR SIR,- Without waiting for your answer to my last, I
proceed to give you an account of our journey to London,
which has not been wholly barren of adventure. Tuesday
last, the squire took his place in a hired coach-and-four, accom-
panied by his sister and mine, and Mrs. Tabby's maid, Winifred
Jenkins, whose province it was to support Chowder on a cushion
in her lap. I could scarce refrain from laughing when I looked
into the vehicle, and saw that animal sitting opposite to my
uncle, like any other passenger. The squire, ashamed of his
situation, blushed to the eyes; and calling to the postilions to
drive on, pulled the glass up in my face. I, and his servant
John Thomas, attended them on horseback.
Nothing worth mentioning occurred, till we arrived on the
edge of Marlborough downs. There one of the fore-horses fell,
in going down-hill at a round trot; and the postilion behind,
endeavoring to stop the carriage, pulled it on one side into a
deep rut, where it was fairly overturned. I had rode on about
two hundred yards before; but hearing a loud scream, galloped
back and dismounted, to give what assistance was in my power.
When I looked into the coach, I could see nothing distinctly but
the Jenkins, who was kicking her heels and squalling with great
vociferation. All of a sudden, my uncle thrust up his bare pate,
and bolted through the window as nimble as a grasshopper: the
man (who had likewise quitted his horse) dragged this forlorn


## p. 13595 (#409) ##########################################

TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT
13595
damsel, more dead than alive, through the same opening. Then
Mr. Bramble, pulling the door off its hinges with a jerk, laid
hold on Liddy's arm, and brought her to the light, very much
frightened but little hurt. It fell to my share to deliver our
Aunt Tabitha, who had lost her cap in the struggle; and being
rather more than half frantic with rage and terror, was no bad
representation of one of the sister Furies that guard the gates of
hell. She expressed no sort of concern for her brother, who ran
about in the cold without his periwig, and worked with the most
astonishing agility in helping to disentangle the horses from
the carriage; but she cried in a tone of distraction,- "Chowder!
Chowder! my dear Chowder! my poor Chowder is certainly
killed! "
This was not the case. Chowder, after having tore my uncle's
leg in the confusion of the fall, had retreated under the seat,
and from thence the footman drew him by the neck; for which
good office he bit his fingers to the bone. The fellow, who is
naturally surly, was so provoked at this assault that he saluted
his ribs with a hearty kick,—a benediction which was by no
means lost upon the implacable virago, his mistress. Her brother,
however, prevailed upon her to retire into a peasant's house,
near the scene of action, where his head and hers were covered;
and poor Jenkins had a fit. Our next care was to apply some
sticking-plaster to the wound in his leg, which exhibited the im-
pression of Chowder's teeth; but he never opened his lips against
the delinquent. Mrs. Tabby, alarmed at this scene,-"You say
nothing, Matt,” cried she; "but I know your mind-I know
the spite you have to that poor unfortunate animal! I know you
intend to take his life away! " "You are mistaken, upon my
honor! " replied the squire with a sarcastic smile: "I should be
incapable of harboring any such cruel design against an object
so amiable and inoffensive, even if he had not the happiness to
be your favorite. "
John Thomas was not so delicate. The fellow, whether really
alarmed for his life, or instigated by the desire for revenge, came
in and bluntly demanded that the dog should be put to death,
on the supposition that if ever he should run mad hereafter, he
who had been bit by him would be infected. My uncle calmly
argued upon the absurdity of his opinion; observing that he him-
self was in the same predicament, and would certainly take the
precaution he proposed if he was not sure that he ran no risk


## p. 13596 (#410) ##########################################

13596
TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT
of infection. Nevertheless Thomas continued obstinate; and at
length declared that if the dog was not shot immediately, he
himself would be his executioner. This declaration opened the
flood-gates of Tabby's eloquence, which would have shamed the
first-rate oratress of Billingsgate. The footman retorted in the
same style; and the squire dismissed him from his service, after
having prevented me from giving him a good horsewhipping for
his insolence.
The coach being adjusted, another difficulty occurred. Mrs.
Tabitha absolutely refused to enter it again unless another driver
could be found to take the place of the postilion, who, she af-
firmed, had overturned the coach from malice aforethought. After
much dispute, the man resigned his place to a shabby country-
fellow, who undertook to go as far as Marlborough, where they
could be better provided; and at that place we arrived about
one o'clock, without further impediment. Mrs. Bramble, however,
found new matter of offense, which indeed she had a particular
genius for extracting at will from almost every incident in life.
We had scarce entered the room at Marlborough, where we stayed
to dine, when she exhibited a formal complaint against the poor
fellow who had superseded the postilion. She said he was such
a beggarly rascal that he had ne'er a shirt to his back; Mrs.
Winifred Jenkins confirmed the assertion.
"This is a heinous offense indeed," cried my uncle; "let us
hear what the fellow has to say in his own vindication. " He
was accordingly summoned, and made his appearance, which was
equally queer and pathetic. He seemed to be about twenty
years of age, of a middling size, with bandy legs, stooping
shoulders, high forehead, sandy locks, pinking eyes, flat nose,
and long chin; his complexion was of a sickly yellow: his looks
denoted famine; and
Mrs. Bramble, turning from him,
said she had never seen such a filthy tatterdemalion, and bid
him begone; observing that he would fill the room with ver-
min.
Her brother darted a significant glance at her as she retired
with Liddy into another apartment; and then asked the man if
he was known to any person in Marlborough? When he an-
swered that the landlord of the inn had known him from his in-
fancy, mine host was immediately called, and being interrogated
on the subject, said that the young fellow's name was Humphrey
Clinker; that he had been a love-begotten babe, brought up in


## p. 13597 (#411) ##########################################

TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT
13597
the workhouse, and put out apprentice by the parish to a coun-
try blacksmith, who died before the boy's time was out; that he
had for some time worked under his hostler as a helper and
extra postilion, till he was taken ill of the ague, which disabled
him from getting his bread; that having sold or pawned every-
thing he had in the world for his cure and subsistence, he be-
came so miserable and shabby that he disgraced the stable, and
was dismissed; but that he never heard anything to the prejudice
of his character in other respects. "So that the fellow being
sick and destitute," said my uncle, "you turned him out to die
in the streets? >>>> "I pay the poor's rate," replied the other,
" and I have no right to maintain idle vagrants, either in sick-
ness or health; besides, such a miserable object would have
brought a discredit upon my house. "
"You perceive," said the squire, turning to me, "our land-
lord is a Christian of bowels: who shall presume to censure the
morals of the age when the very publicans exhibit such exam-
ples of humanity? Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious
offender, you stand convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness,
and want; but as it does not belong to me to punish criminals,
I will only take upon me the task of giving a word of advice,-
get a shirt with all convenient dispatch. "
So saying, he put a guinea into the hand of the poor fellow,
who stood staring at him in silence with his mouth wide open,
till the landlord pushed him out of the room.
In the afternoon, as our aunt stept into the coach, she ob-
served with some marks of satisfaction that the postilion who
rode next to her was not a shabby wretch like the ragamuffin
who had drove them into Marlborough. Indeed, the difference
was very conspicuous: this was a smart fellow, with a narrow-
brimmed hat with gold cording, a cut bob, a decent blue jacket,
leather breeches, and a clean linen shirt puffed above the waist-
band. When we arrived at the castle on Spinhill, where we lay,
this new postilion was remarkably assiduous in bringing in loose
parcels; and at length displayed the individual countenance of
Humphrey Clinker, who had metamorphosed himself in this
manner, by relieving from pawn part of his own clothes with
the money he had received from Mr. Bramble.
----
Howsoever pleased the rest of the company were with such
a favorable change in the appearance of this poor creature, it
soured on the stomach of Mrs. Tabby, who had not yet digested


## p. 13598 (#412) ##########################################

13598
TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT
the affront. She tossed her nose in disdain, saying she supposed
her brother had taken him into favor because he had insulted
her with his obscenity; that a fool and his money were soon
parted: but that if Matt intended to take the fellow with him to
London, she would not go a foot farther that way.
My uncle
said nothing with his tongue, though his looks were sufficiently
expressive; and next morning Clinker did not appear, so that we
proceeded without farther altercation to Salthill, where we pro-
posed to dine. There the first person that came to the side of
the coach and began to adjust the footboard was no other than
Humphrey Clinker. When I handed out Mrs. Bramble, she eyed
him with a furious look, and passed into the house; my uncle
was embarrassed, and asked peevishly what had brought him
hither? The fellow said his Honor had been so good to him,
that he had not the heart to part with him; that he would follow
him to the world's end, and serve him all the days of his life,
without fee or reward.
Mr. Bramble did not know whether to chide or to laugh at
this declaration. He foresaw much contradiction on the side of
Tabby; and on the other hand, he could not but be pleased
with the gratitude of Clinker, as well as with the simplicity of his
character. "Suppose I was inclined to take you into my service,"
said he, "what are your qualifications? What are you good for? "
"An' please your Honor," answered this original, "I can read and
write, and do the business of the stable indifferent well. I can
dress a horse, and shoe him, and bleed and rowel him;
I won't turn my back on e'er a he in the county of Wilts.
Then I can make hog's puddings and hobnails, mend kettles and
tin saucepans-" Here uncle burst out a-laughing; and inquired
what other accomplishments he was master of. "I know some-
thing of single-stick and psalmody," proceeded Clinker: "I can
play upon the jew's-harp, sing Black-eyed Susan,' 'Arthur
O'Bradley,' and divers other songs; I can dance a Welsh jig,
and 'Nancy Dawson'; wrestle a fall with any lad of my inches.
when I'm in heart; and (under correction) I can find a hare.
when your Honor wants a bit of game. " Foregad, thou art a
complete fellow! " cried my uncle, still laughing: "I have a mind
to take thee into my family. Prithee, go and try if thou canst
make peace with my sister; thou hast given her much offense. "
Clinker accordingly followed us into the room, cap in hand,
where, addressing himself to Mrs. Tabitha,-"May it please
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TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT
13599
your Ladyship's Worship," cried he, "to pardon and forgive my
offenses, and with God's assistance, I shall take care never to
offend your Ladyship again. Do, pray, good, sweet, beautiful
lady, take compassion on a poor sinner; God bless your noble.
countenance, I am sure you are too handsome and generous to
bear malice. I will serve you on my bended knees, by night
and by day, by land and by water; and all for the love and
pleasure of serving such an excellent lady. "
This compliment and humiliation had some effect upon Tab-
itha; but she made no reply; and Clinker, taking silence for
consent, gave his attendance at dinner. The fellow's natural
awkwardness, and the flutter of his spirits, were productive of
repeated blunders in the course of his attendance. At length he
spilt part of a custard upon her right shoulder; and starting back,
trod upon Chowder, who set up a dismal howl. Poor Humphrey
was so disconcerted at this double mistake, that he dropt the
china dish, which broke into a thousand pieces; then falling
down upon his knees, remained in that posture, gaping with a
most ludicrous aspect of distress. Mrs. Bramble flew to the dog,
and snatching him in her arms, presented him to her brother,
saying, "This is all a concerted scheme against this unfortunate
animal, whose only crime is its regard for me;-here it is: kill
it at once; and then you'll be satisfied. "
Clinker, hearing these words and taking them in the literal
acceptation, got up in some hurry, and seizing a knife from the
sideboard, cried, "Not here, an't please your Ladyship,-it will
daub the room: give him to me, and I'll carry him into the
ditch by the roadside. " To this proposal he received no other
answer than a hearty box on the ear, that made him stagger to
the other side of the room. "What! " said she to her brother,
"am I to be affronted by every mangy hound that you pick up
in the highway? I insist upon your sending this rascallion about
his business immediately. " "For God's sake, sister, compose
yourself," said my uncle; "and consider that the poor fellow is
innocent of any intention to give you offense. " "Innocent as the
babe unborn," cried Humphrey. "I see it plainly," exclaimed
this implacable maiden: "he acts by your direction, and you are
resolved to support him in his impudence. This is a bad return.
for all the services I have done you,- for nursing you in your
sickness, managing your family, and keeping you from ruining
yourself by your own imprudence: but now you shall part with


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13600
TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT
that rascal or me, upon the spot, without farther loss of time;
and the world shall see whether you have more regard for your
own flesh and blood, or for a beggarly foundling taken from a
dunghill. "
Mr. Bramble's eyes began to glisten, and his teeth to chatter.
"If stated fairly," said he, raising his voice, "the question is
whether I have spirit to shake off an intolerable yoke by one
effort of resolution, or meanness enough to do an act of cruelty
and injustice to gratify the rancor of a capricious woman. Hark
ye, Mrs. Tabitha Bramble! I will now propose an alternative
in my turn: either discard your four-footed favorite, or give
me leave to bid you eternally adieu; for I am determined that
he and I shall live no longer under the same roof; and now to
dinner with what appetite you may. " Thunderstruck at this dec-
laration, she sat down in a corner; and after a pause of some
minutes, "Sure I don't understand you, Matt! " said she.