No More Learning

She hoped again to
see the day in which we might hold up our heads with the best of them;
and concluded, she protested she could see no reason why the two Miss
Wrinkles should marry great fortunes, and her children get none. As this
last argument was directed to me, I protested I could see no reason for
it neither; nor why Mr. Simkins got the ten thousand pound prize in the
lottery, and we set down with a blank. "I protest, Charles," cried my
wife, "this is the way you always damp my girls and me when we are in
spirits. Tell me, Sophy, my dear, what do you think of our new visitor?
Don't you think he seemed to be good-natured? " "Immensely so, indeed,
mamma," replied she; "I think he has a great deal to say upon
everything, and is never at a loss; and the more trifling the subject,
the more he has to say. " "Yes," cried Olivia, "he is well enough for a
man; but, for my part, I don't much like him, he is so extremely
impudent and familiar; but on the guitar he is shocking. " These two last
speeches I interpreted by contraries. I found by this, that Sophia
internally despised as much as Olivia secretly admired him. "Whatever
may be your opinions of him, my children," cried I, "to confess the
truth, he has not prepossessed me in his favour. Disproportioned
friendships ever terminate in disgust; and I thought, notwithstanding
all his ease, that he seemed perfectly sensible of the distance between
us. Let us keep to companions of our own rank. There is no character
more contemptible than a man that is a fortune-hunter; and I can see no
reason why fortune-hunting women should not be contemptible too. Thus,
at best, we shall be contemptible if his views be honourable; but if
they be otherwise! I should shudder but to think of that! It is true, I
have no apprehensions from the conduct of my children, but I think there
are some from his character. " I would have proceeded, but for the
interruption of a servant from the squire, who, with his compliments,
sent us a side of venison, and a promise to dine with us some days
after. This well-timed present pleaded more powerfully in his favour
than anything I had to say could obviate. I therefore continued silent,
satisfied with just having pointed out danger, and leaving it to their
own discretion to avoid it. That virtue which requires to be ever
guarded is scarcely worth the sentinel.




_CHAPTER VI. _

_Happiness of a country fireside. _


As we carried on the former dispute with some degree of warmth, in order
to accommodate matters it was universally agreed that we should have a
part of the venison for supper, and the girls undertook the task with
alacrity. "I am sorry," cried I, "that we have no neighbour or stranger
to take part in this good cheer: feasts of this kind acquire a double
relish from hospitality. " "Bless me! " cried my wife, "here comes our
good friend, Mr. Burchell, that saved our Sophia, and that run you down
fairly in the argument. " "Confute me in argument, child! " cried I, "you
mistake there, my dear; I believe there are but few that can do that: I
never dispute your abilities at making a goose-pie, and I beg you'll
leave argument to me. " As I spoke poor Mr. Burchell entered the house,
and was welcomed by the family, who shook him heartily by the hand,
while little Dick officiously reached him a chair.

I was pleased with the poor man's friendship for two reasons: because I
knew that he wanted mine, and I knew him to be friendly as far as he was
able. He was known in our neighbourhood by the character of the poor
gentleman that would do no good when he was young, though he was not yet
thirty. He would at intervals talk with great good sense; but in general
he was fondest of the company of children, whom he used to call harmless
little men. He was famous, I found, for singing them ballads and telling
them stories; and seldom went out without something in his pockets for
them—a piece of gingerbread, or a halfpenny whistle. He generally came
for a few days into our neighbourhood once a year, and lived upon the
neighbours' hospitality. He sat down to supper among us, and my wife was
not sparing of her gosseberry-wine. The tale went round; he sung us old
songs, and gave the children the story of the Buck of Beverland, with
the History of Patient Grizzel, the Adventures of Catskin, and then Fair
Rosamond's Bower. Our cock, which always crew at eleven, now told us it
was time for repose; but an unforeseen difficulty started about lodging
the stranger: all our beds were already taken up, and it was too late to
send him to the next alehouse. In this dilemma, little Dick offered him
his part of the bed, if his brother Moses would let him lie with him.
"And I," cried Bill, "will give Mr. Burchell my part, if my sisters will
take me to theirs. " "Well done, my good children," cried I, "hospitality
is one of the first Christian duties. The beast retires to its shelter,
and the bird flies to its nest; but helpless man can only find refuge
from his fellow-creature. The greatest stranger in this world was He
that came to save it: He never had a house, as if willing to see what
hospitality was left remaining amongst us. Deborah, my dear," cried I to
my wife, "give those boys a lump of sugar each; and let Dick's be the
largest, because he spoke first. "

In the morning early, I called out my whole family to help at saving an
after-growth of hay, and our guest offering his assistance, he was
accepted among the number. Our labours went on lightly; we turned the
swath to the wind; I went foremost, and the rest followed in due
succession. I could not avoid, however, observing the assiduity of Mr.
Burchell in aiding my daughter Sophia in her part of the task. When he
had finished his own, he would join in hers, and enter into a close
conversation: but I had too good an opinion of Sophia's understanding,
and was too well convinced of her ambition, to be under any uneasiness
from a man of broken fortune. When we were finished for the day, Mr.
Burchell was invited as on the night before, but he refused, as he was
to lie that night at a neighbour's, to whose child he was carrying a
whistle. When gone, our conversation at supper turned upon our late
unfortunate guest. "What a strong instance," said I, "is that poor man
of the miseries attending a youth of levity and extravagance! He by no
means wants sense, which only serves to aggravate his former folly. Poor
forlorn creature! where are now the revellers, the flatterers, that he
could once inspire and command? Gone, perhaps, to attend the bagnio
pandar, grown rich by his extravagance. They once praised him, and now
they applaud the pandar: their former raptures at his wit are now
converted into sarcasms at his folly: he is poor, and perhaps deserves
poverty; for he has neither the ambition to be independent nor the skill
to be useful. " Prompted perhaps by some secret reasons, I delivered this
observation with too much acrimony, which my Sophia gently reproved.
"Whatsoever his former conduct may have been, papa, his circumstances
should exempt him from censure now. His present indigence is a
sufficient punishment for former folly: and I have heard my papa himself
say, that we should never strike one unnecessary blow at a victim over
whom Providence holds the scourge of its resentment. " "You are right,
Sophy," cried my son Moses; "and one of the ancients finely represents
so malicious a conduct, by the attempts of a rustic to flay Marsyas,
whose skin, the fable tells us, had been wholly stripped off by another;
besides, I don't know if this poor man's situation be so bad as my
father would represent it. We are not to judge of the feelings of others
by what we might feel if in their place. However dark the habitation of
the mole to our eyes, yet the animal itself finds the apartments
sufficiently lightsome. And, to confess the truth, this man's mind seems
fitted to his station; for I never heard any one more sprightly than he
was to-day, when he conversed with you. " This was said without the least
design: however, it excited a blush, which she strove to cover by an
affected laugh; assuring him that she scarcely took any notice of what
he said to her, but that she believed he might once have been a very
fine gentleman. The readiness with which she undertook to vindicate
herself, and her blushing, were symptoms I did not internally approve;
but I repressed my suspicions.

[Illustration:

"_I could not avoid, however, observing
the assiduity of Mr. Burchell in aiding my
daughter Sophia in her part of the task. _"
]


As we expected our landlord the next day, my wife went to make the
venison-pasty; Moses sat reading, while I taught the little ones: my
daughters seemed equally busy with the rest; and I observed them for a
good while cooking something over the fire. I at first supposed they
were assisting their mother; but little Dick informed me, in a whisper,
that they were making a wash for the face. Washes of all kinds I had a
natural antipathy to; for I knew that, instead of mending the
complexion, they spoiled it. I therefore approached my chair by slow
degrees to the fire, and grasping the poker, as if it wanted mending,
seemingly by accident overturned the whole composition, and it was too
late to begin another.




_CHAPTER VII. _

_A town wit described. —The dullest fellows may learn
to be comical for a night or two. _


When the morning arrived on which we were to entertain our young
landlord, it may be easily supposed what provisions were exhausted to
make an appearance. It may be also conjectured, that my wife and
daughters expanded their gayest plumage on this occasion. Mr. Thornhill
came with a couple of friends, his chaplain and feeder. The servants,
who were numerous, he politely ordered to the next alehouse: but my
wife, in the triumph of her heart, insisted on entertaining them all;
for which, by the bye, our family was pinched for three weeks after. As
Mr. Burchell had hinted to us, the day before, that he was making some
proposals of marriage to Miss Wilmot, my son George's former mistress,
this a good deal damped the heartiness of his reception: but accident in
some measure relieved our embarrassment; for one of the company
happening to mention her name, Mr. Thornhill observed with an oath, that
he never knew anything more absurd than calling such a fright a beauty.
"For, strike me ugly! " continued he, "if I should not find as much
pleasure in choosing my mistress by the information of a lamp under the
clock of St. Dunstan's. " At this he laughed, and so did we: the jests of
the rich are ever successful. Olivia, too, could not avoid whispering,
loud enough to be heard, that he had an infinite fund of humour.

After dinner, I began with my usual toast, the Church; for this I was
thanked by the chaplain, as he said the Church was the only mistress of
his affections. "Come, tell us honestly, Frank," said the squire, with
his usual archness, "suppose the Church, your present mistress, dressed
in lawn sleeves, on one hand, and Miss Sophia, with no lawn about her,
on the other, which would you be for? " "For both, to be sure," cried the
chaplain, "Right, Frank! " cried the squire; "for may this glass
suffocate me, but a fine girl is worth all the priestcraft in the
creation; for what are tithes and tricks but an imposition, all a
confounded imposture? and I can prove it. " "I wish you would," cried my
son Moses; "and I think," continued he, "that I should be able to answer
you. " "Very well, sir," cried the squire, who immediately smoked him,
and winked on the rest of the company to prepare us for the sport: "if
you are for a cool argument upon the subject, I am ready to accept the
challenge. And first, whether are you for managing it analogically or
dialogically? " "I am for managing it rationally," cried Moses, quite
happy at being permitted to dispute. "Good again! " cried the squire;
"and, firstly, of the first I hope you'll not deny that whatever is, is:
if you don't grant me that, I can go no further. " "Why," returned Moses,
"I think I may grant that, and make the best of it. " "I hope, too,"
returned the other, "you will grant that a part is less than the whole? "
"I grant that too," cried Moses: "it is but just and reasonable. " "I
hope," cried the squire, "you will not deny, that the three angles of a
triangle are equal to two right ones? " "Nothing can be plainer,"
returned t'other, and looked round him with his usual importance. "Very
well," cried the squire, speaking very quick; "the premises being thus
settled, I proceed to observe, that the concatenation of
self-existences, proceeding in a reciprocal duplicate ratio, naturally
produce a problematical dialogism, which, in some measure, proves that
the essence of spirituality may be referred to the second predicable. "
"Hold, hold! " cried the other, "I deny that. Do you think I can thus
tamely submit to such heterodox doctrines? " "What! " replied the squire,
as if in a passion, "not submit! Answer me one plain question. Do you
think Aristotle right when he says that relatives are related? "
"Undoubtedly," replied the other. "If so, then," cried the squire,
"answer me directly to what I propose: Whether do you judge the
analytical investigation of the first part of my enthymem deficient
_secundum quoad_, or _quoad minus_? and give me your reasons, I say,
directly. " "I protest," cried Moses, "I don't rightly comprehend the
force of your reasoning; but if it be reduced to one single,
proposition, I fancy it may then have an answer. " "Oh, sir," cried the
squire, "I am your most humble servant: I find you want me to furnish
you with argument and intellects too. No, sir! there I protest you are
too hard for me. " This effectually raised the laugh against poor Moses,
who sat the only dismal figure in a group of merry faces; nor did he
offer a single syllable more during the whole entertainment.

But though all this gave me no pleasure, it had a very different effect
upon Olivia, who mistook it for humour, though but a mere act of memory.
She thought him, therefore, a very fine gentleman; and such as consider
what powerful ingredients a good figure, fine clothes, and fortune are
in that character, will easily forgive her. Mr. Thornhill,
notwithstanding his real ignorance, talked with ease, and could
expatiate upon the common topics of conversation with fluency. It is not
surprising, then, that such talents should win the affections of a girl
who, by education, was taught to value an appearance in herself, and
consequently to set a value upon it in another.

Upon his departure, we again entered into a debate upon the merits of
our young landlord. As he directed his looks and conversation to Olivia,
it was no longer doubted but that she was the object that induced him to
be our visitor. Nor did she seem to be much displeased at the innocent
raillery of her brother and sister upon this occasion. Even Deborah
herself seemed to share the glory of the day, and exulted in her
daughter's victory, as if it were her own. "And now, my dear," cried she
to me, "I'll fairly own that it was I who instructed my girls to
encourage our landlord's addresses. I had always some ambition, and you
now see that I was right; for who knows how this may end? " "Ay, who
knows that, indeed! " answered I, with a groan: "for my part, I don't
much like it; and I could have been better pleased with one that was
poor and honest, than this fine gentleman with his fortune and
infidelity; for, depend on't, if he be what I suspect him, no
freethinker shall ever have a child of mine. "

"Sure, father," cried Moses, "You are too severe in this; for Heaven
will never arraign him for what he thinks, but for what he does. Every
man has a thousand vicious thoughts, which arise without his power to
suppress. Thinking freely of religion may be involuntary with this
gentleman; so that, allowing his sentiments to be wrong, yet, as he is
purely passive in his assent, he is no more to be blamed for his errors
than the governor of a city without walls for the shelter he is obliged
to afford an invading enemy. "

"True, my son," cried I; "but if the governor invites the enemy there,
he is justly culpable; and such is always the case with those who
embrace error. The vice does not lie in assenting to the proofs they
see, but in being blind to many of the proofs that offer. So that,
though our erroneous opinions be involuntary when formed, yet, as we
have been wilfully corrupt or very negligent in forming them, we deserve
punishment for our vice, or contempt for our folly. "

[Illustration:

"_And when he bought each of the girls a
set of ribands, hers was the finest. _"—_p. _ 30.
]


My wife now kept up the conversation, though not the argument: she
observed, that several very prudent men of our acquaintance were
freethinkers, and made very good husbands; and she knew some sensible
girls that had had skill enough to make converts of their spouses. "And
who knows, my dear," continued she, "what Olivia may be able to do? The
girl has a great deal to say upon every subject, and, to my knowledge,
is very well skilled in controversy. "

"Why, my dear, what controversy can she have read? "cried I. "It does
not occur to me that I ever put such books into her hands: you certainly
over-rate her merit. " "Indeed, papa," replied Olivia, "she does not; I
have read a great deal of controversy. I have read the disputes between
Thwackum and Square; the controversy between Robinson Crusoe and Friday
the savage; and I am now employed in reading the controversy in
'Religious Courtship. '" "Very well," cried I: "that's a good girl; I
find you are perfectly qualified for making converts, and so go help
your mother to make the gooseberry-pie. "




_CHAPTER VIII. _

_An amour, which promises little good fortune,
yet may be productive of much. _


The next morning we were again visited by Mr. Burchell, though I began,
for certain reasons, to be displeased with the frequency of his return;
but I could not refuse him my company and my fireside. It is true, his
labour more than requited his entertainment; for he wrought among us
with vigour, and, either in the meadow or at the hay-rick, put himself
foremost. Besides, he had always something amusing to say that lessened
our toil, and was at once so out of the way, and yet so sensible, that I
loved, laughed at, and pitied him. My only dislike arose from an
attachment he discovered to my daughter: he would, in a jesting manner,
call her his little mistress; and when he bought each of the girls a set
of ribands, hers was the finest. I knew not how, but he every day seemed
to become more amiable, his wit to improve, and his simplicity to assume
the superior airs of wisdom.

Our family dined in the field, and we sat, or rather reclined, round a
temperate repast, our cloth spread upon the hay, while Mr. Burchell gave
cheerfulness to the feast. To heighten our satisfaction, two blackbirds
answered each other from the opposite hedges, the familiar redbreast
came and pecked the crumbs from our hands, and every sound seemed but
the echo of tranquillity. "I never sit thus," says Sophia, "but I think
of the two lovers, so sweetly described by Mr. Gay, who were struck dead
in each other's arms. There is something so pathetic in the description,
that I have read it a hundred times with new rapture. " "In my opinion,"
cried my son, "the finest strokes in that description are much below
those in the 'Acis and Galatea' of Ovid. The Roman poet understands the
use of _contrast_ better, and upon that figure, artfully managed, all
strength in the pathetic depends. " "It is remarkable," cried Mr.
Burchell, "that both the poets you mention have equally contributed to
introduce a false taste into their respective countries, by loading all
their lines with epithet. Men of little genius found them most easily
imitated in their defects; and English poetry, like that in the latter
empire of Rome, is nothing at present but a combination of luxuriant
images, without plot or connection—a string of epithets that improve the
sound without carrying on the sense. But perhaps, madam, while I thus
reprehend others, you'll think it just that I should give them an
opportunity to retaliate; and, indeed, I have made this remark only to
have an opportunity of introducing to the company a ballad, which,
whatever be its other defects, is, I think, at least free from those I
have mentioned. "


A BALLAD.

"Turn, gentle hermit of the dale,
And guide my lonely way
To where yon taper cheers the vale
With hospitable ray.

"For here forlorn and lost I tread,
With fainting steps and slow;
Where wilds, immeasurably spread,
Seem lengthening as I go. "

"Forbear, my son," the hermit cries,
"To tempt the dangerous gloom;
For yonder faithless phantom flies
To lure thee to thy doom.

"Here to the houseless child of want
My door is open still
And though my portion is but scant,
I give it with good will.

"Then turn to-night, and freely share
Whate'er my cell bestows;
My rushy couch and frugal fare,
My blessing, and repose.

"No flocks that range the valley free
To slaughter I condemn;
Taught by that Power that pities me,
I learn to pity them.

"But from the mountain's grassy side
A guiltless feast I bring;
A scrip with herbs and fruits supplied,
And water from the spring.

"Then, pilgrim, turn, thy cares forego;
All earth-born cares are wrong;
Man wants but little here below,
Nor wants that little long. "

Soft as the dew from heaven descends,
His gentle accents fell:
The modest stranger lowly bends,
And follows to the cell.

Far in a wilderness obscure
The lonely mansion lay;
A refuge to the neighbouring poor,
And strangers led astray.

No stores beneath its humble thatch
Required a master's care;
The wicket, opening with a latch,
Received the harmless pair.

And now, when busy crowds retire,
To take their evening rest,
The hermit trimmed his little fire
And cheered his pensive guest;

And spread his vegetable store,
And gaily pressed, and smiled;
And skilled in legendary lore
The lingering hours beguiled.

Around, in sympathetic mirth,
Its tricks the kitten tries;
The cricket chirrups in the hearth
The crackling faggot flies.

But nothing could a charm impart
To soothe the stranger's woe;
For grief was heavy at his heart,
And tears began to flow.

His rising cares the hermit spied,
With answering care opprest:
"And whence, unhappy youth," he cried,
"The sorrows of thy breast?

"From better habitations spurned,
Reluctant dost thou rove?
Or grieve for friendship unreturned,
Or unregarded love?

"Alas! the joys that fortune brings
Are trifling and decay;
And those who prize the paltry things,
More trifling still than they.

"And what is friendship but a name,
A charm that lulls to sleep,
A shade that follows wealth or fame,
But leaves the wretch to weep?

"And love is still an emptier sound,
The modern fair one's jest;
On earth unseen, or only found
To warm the turtle's nest.

"For shame, fond youth, thy sorrows hush,
And spurn the sex," he said:
But while he spoke, a rising blush
His love-lorn guest betrayed.

Surprised he sees new beauties rise,
Swift mantling to the view;
Like colours o'er the morning skies,
As bright, as transient too.

The bashful look, the rising breast,
Alternate spread alarms:
The lovely stranger stands confest
A maid in all her charms!
And "Ah, forgive a stranger rude,
A wretch forlorn," she cried;
"Whose feet unhallowed thus intrude
Where heaven and you reside.

"But let a maid thy pity share,
Whom love has taught to stray;
Who seeks for rest, but finds despair
Companion of her way.

"My father lived beside the Tyne,
A wealthy lord was he:
And all his wealth was marked as mine;
He had but only me.

"To win me from his tender arms,
Unnumbered suitors came;
Who praised me for imputed charms,
And felt or feigned a flame.

"Each hour a mercenary crowd
With richest proffers strove;
Among the rest young Edwin bowed,
But never talked of love.

"In humble, simplest habit clad,
No wealth nor power had he;
Wisdom and worth were all he had,
But these were all to me.

"The blossom opening to the day,
The dews of heaven refined,
Could nought of purity display
To emulate his mind.

"The dew, the blossom on the tree,
With charms inconstant shine;
Their charms were his, but, woe is me!
Their constancy was mine!

"For still I tried each fickle art,
Importunate and vain;
And while his passion touched my heart,
I triumphed in his pain.

"Till quite dejected with my scorn,
He left me to my pride;
And sought a solitude forlorn,
In secret where he died.

"But mine the sorrow, mine the fault,
And well my life shall pay;
I'll seek the solitude he sought,
And stretch me where he lay.

"And there forlorn, despairing, hid,
I'll lay me down and die;
'Twas so for me that Edwin did,
And so for him will I. "—

"Forbid it, Heaven! " the hermit cried,
And clasped her to his breast:
The wond'ring fair one turned to chide,—
'Twas Edwin's self that prest!

"Turn, Angelina, ever dear,
My charmer, turn to see
Thy own, thy long-lost Edwin here,
Restored to love and thee!

"Thus let me hold thee to my heart,
And every care resign:
And shall we never, never part,
My life—my all that's mine?

"No, never from this hour to part,
We'll live and love so true;
The sigh that rends thy constant heart
Shall break thy Edwin's too. "

[Illustration:

"_Two young ladies richly dressed, whom
he introduced as women of very great
distinction and fashion from town. _"—_p. _ 35.
]


While this ballad was reading, Sophia seemed to mix an air of tenderness
with her approbation. But our tranquillity was soon disturbed by the
report of a gun just by us; and, immediately after, a man was seen
bursting through the hedge to take up the game he had killed. This
sportsman was the squire's chaplain, who had shot one of the blackbirds
that so agreeably entertained us. So loud a report, and so near,
startled my daughters; and I could perceive that Sophia, in the fright,
had thrown herself into Mr. Burchell's arms for protection. The
gentleman came up, and asked pardon for having disturbed us, affirming
that he was ignorant of our being so near. He therefore sat down by my
youngest daughter, and, sportsman like, offered her what he had killed
that morning. She was going to refuse, but a private look from her
mother soon induced her to correct the mistake, and accept his present,
though with some reluctance. My wife, as usual, discovered her pride in
a whisper; observing that Sophy had made a conquest of the chaplain, as
well as her sister had of the squire. I suspected, however, with more
probability, that her affections were placed upon a different object.
The chaplain's errand was to inform us that Mr. Thornhill had provided
music and refreshments, and intended that night giving the young ladies
a ball by moonlight on the grass-plot before our door. "Nor can I deny,"
continued he, "that I have an interest in being first to deliver this
message, as I expect for my reward to be honoured with Miss Sophia's
hand as a partner. " To this my girl replied that she should have no
objection, "if she could do it with honour. But here," continued she,
"is a gentleman," looking at Mr. Burchell, "who has been my companion in
the task of the day, and it is fit he should share in its amusements. "
Mr. Burchell returned her a compliment for her intentions, but resigned
her up to the chaplain, adding, that he was to go that night five miles,
being invited to a harvest supper. His refusal appeared to me a little
extraordinary; nor could I conceive how so sensible a girl as my
youngest could thus prefer a man of broken fortunes to one whose
expectations were much greater. But as men are most capable of
distinguishing merit in women, so the ladies often form the truest
judgment of us. The two sexes seem placed as spies upon each other, and
are furnished with different abilities, adapted for mutual inspection.




_CHAPTER IX. _

_Two ladies of great distinction introduced. —Superior
finery ever seems to confer superior breeding_.


Mr. Burchell had scarcely taken leave, and Sophia consented to dance
with the chaplain, when my little ones came running out to tell us that
the squire was come with a crowd of company. Upon our return, we found
our landlord with a couple of under-gentlemen and two young ladies
richly dressed, whom he introduced as women of very great distinction
and fashion from town. We happened not to have chairs enough for the
whole company; but Mr. Thornhill immediately proposed that every
gentleman should sit in a lady's lap. This I positively objected to,
notwithstanding a look of disapprobation from my wife. Moses was
therefore despatched to borrow a couple of chairs; and, as we were in
want of ladies to make up a set at country-dances, the two gentlemen
went with him in quest of a couple of partners. Chairs and partners were
soon provided. The gentlemen returned with my neighbour Flamborough's
rosy daughters, flaunting with red top-knots. But an unlucky
circumstance was not adverted to: though the Miss Flamboroughs were
reckoned the very best dancers in the parish, and understood the jig and
the round-about to perfection, yet they were totally unacquainted with
country-dances. This at first discomposed us; however, after a little
shoving and dragging, they at last went merrily on. Our music consisted
of two fiddles, with a pipe and tabor. The moon shone bright: Mr.
Thornhill and my eldest daughter led up the ball, to the great delight
of the spectators; for the neighbours, hearing what was going forward,
came flocking about us. My girl moved with so much grace and vivacity,
that my wife could not avoid discovering the pride of her heart, by
assuring me that, though the little chit did it so cleverly, all the
steps were stolen from herself. The ladies of the town strove hard to be
equally easy, but without success. They swam, sprawled, languished, and
frisked; but all would not do: the gazers, indeed, owned that it was
fine; but neighbour Flamborough observed that Miss Livy's feet seemed as
pat to the music as its echo. After the dance had continued about an
hour, the two ladies, who were apprehensive of catching cold, moved to
break up the ball. One of them, I thought, expressed her sentiments upon
this occasion in a very coarse manner, when she observed, that, by the
_living jingo, she was all of a muck of sweat_. Upon our return to the
house we found a very elegant cold supper, which Mr. Thornhill had
ordered to be brought with him. The conversation at this time was more
reserved than before. The two ladies threw my girls quite into the
shade: for they would talk of nothing but high life and high-lived
company; with other fashionable topics, such as pictures, taste,
Shakespeare, and the musical glasses. 'Tis true, they once or twice
mortified us sensibly by slipping out an oath; but that appeared to me
as the surest symptom of their distinction (though I am since informed
that swearing is perfectly unfashionable). Their finery, however, threw
a veil over any grossness in their conversation. My daughters seemed to
regard their superior accomplishments with envy; and whatever appeared
amiss was ascribed to tip-top quality breeding. But the condescension of
the ladies was still superior to their other accomplishments. One of
them observed, that, had Miss Olivia seen a little more of the world, it
would greatly improve her. To which the other added, that a single
winter in town would make her little Sophia quite another thing. My wife
warmly assented to both; adding that there was nothing she more ardently
wished than to give her girls a single winter's polishing. To this I
could not help replying that their breeding was already superior to
their fortune; and that greater refinement would only serve to make
their poverty ridiculous, and give them a taste for pleasures they had
no right to possess. "And what pleasures," cried Mr. Thornhill, "do they
not deserve to possess, who have so much in their power to bestow? As
for my part," continued he, "my fortune is pretty large; love, liberty,
and pleasure are my maxims; but, curse me! if a settlement of half my
estate could give my charming Olivia pleasure, it should be hers; and
the only favour I would ask in return would be to add myself to the
benefit. " I was not such a stranger to the world as to be ignorant that
this was the fashionable cant to disguise the insolence of the basest
proposal; but I made an effort to suppress my resentment. "Sir," cried
I, "the family which you now condescend to favour with your company has
been bred with as nice a sense of honour as you. Any attempts to injure
that may be attended with very dangerous consequences. Honour, sir, is
our only possession at present, and of that last treasure we must be
particularly careful. " I was soon sorry for the warmth with which I had
spoken this, when the young gentleman, grasping my hand, swore he
commended my spirit, though he disapproved my suspicions. "As to your
present hint," continued he, "I protest nothing was further from my
heart than such a thought. No, by all that's tempting, the virtue that
will stand a regular siege was never to my taste; for all my amours are
carried by a _coup-de-main_. "

[Illustration:

"_The tawny sybil no sooner appeared than
my girls came running to me for a shilling
a-piece to cross her hand with silver. _"—_p. _ 38.
]


The two ladies, who affected to be ignorant of the rest, seemed highly
displeased with this last stroke of freedom, and began a very discreet
and serious dialogue upon virtue. In this my wife, the chaplain, and I
soon joined; and the squire himself was at last brought to confess a
sense of sorrow for his former excesses. We talked of the pleasures of
temperance, and of the sunshine in the mind unpolluted with guilt. I was
so well pleased, that my little ones were kept up beyond the usual time
to be edified by so much good conversation. Mr. Thornhill even went
beyond me, and demanded if I had any objection to giving prayers. I
joyfully embraced the proposal; and in this manner the night was passed
in a most comfortable way, till at length the company began to think of
returning. The ladies seemed very unwilling to part with my daughters,
for whom they had conceived a particular affection, and joined in a
request to have the pleasure of their company home. The squire seconded
the proposal, and my wife added her entreaties; the girls, too, looked
upon me as if they wished to go. In this perplexity I made two or three
excuses, which my daughters as readily removed; so that at last I was
obliged to give a peremptory refusal; for which we had nothing but
sullen looks and short answers for the whole day ensuing.




_CHAPTER X. _

_The family endeavour to cope with their betters. —The
miseries of the poor when they attempt to appear above
their circumstances. _


I now began to find that all my long and painful lectures upon
temperance, simplicity, and contentment, were entirely disregarded. The
distinctions lately paid us by our betters awakened that pride which I
had laid asleep, but not removed. Our windows again, as formerly, were
filled with washes for the neck and face. The sun was dreaded as an
enemy to the skin without doors, and the fire as a spoiler of the
complexion within. My wife observed, that rising too early would hurt
her daughters' eyes, that working after dinner would redden their noses,
and she convinced me that the hands never looked so white as when they
did nothing. Instead, therefore, of finishing George's shirts, we now
had them new-modelling their old gauzes, or flourishing upon catgut. The
poor Miss Flamboroughs, their former gay companions, were cast off as
mean acquaintance, and the whole conversation now ran upon high life and
high-lived company, with pictures, taste, Shakespeare, and the musical
glasses.

But we could have borne all this had not a fortune-telling gipsy come to
raise us into perfect sublimity. The tawny sybil no sooner appeared than
my girls came running to me for a shilling a-piece to cross her hand
with silver. To say the truth, I was tired of being always wise, and
could not help gratifying their request, because I loved to see them
happy. I gave each of them a shilling; though, for the honour of the
family, it must be observed that they never went without money
themselves, as my wife always generously let them have a guinea each to
keep in their pockets, but with strict injunctions never to change it.
After they had been closeted up with the fortune-teller for some time, I
knew by their looks, upon their returning, that they had been promised
something great. "Well, my girls, how have you sped? Tell me, Livy, has
the fortune-teller given thee a pennyworth? " "I protest, papa," says the
girl, "I believe she deals with somebody that's not right; for she
positively declared that I am to be married to a squire in less than a
twelvemonth! " "Well, now, Sophy, my child," said I, "and what sort of a
husband are you to have? " "Sir," replied she, "I am to have a lord soon
after my sister has married the squire. " "How! " cried I, "is that all
you are to have for your two shillings? Only a lord and a squire for two
shillings? You fools, I could have promised you a prince and a nabob for
half the money. "

This curiosity of theirs, however, was attended with very serious
effects: we now began to think ourselves designed by the stars to
something exalted, and already anticipated our future grandeur.

It has been a thousand times observed, and I must observe it once more,
that the hours we pass with happy prospects in view are more pleasing
than those crowned with fruition. In the first case, we cook the dish to
our own appetite; in the latter, nature cooks it for us. It is
impossible to repeat the train of agreeable reveries we called up for
our entertainment. We looked upon our fortunes as once more rising; and
as the whole parish asserted that the squire was in love with my
daughter, she was actually so with him; for they persuaded her into the
passion. In this agreeable interval my wife had the most lucky dreams in
the world, which she took care to tell us every morning with great
solemnity and exactness. It was one night a coffin and cross-bones, the
sign of an approaching wedding; at another time she imagined her
daughters' pockets filled with farthings, a certain sign that they would
shortly be stuffed with gold. The girls themselves had their omens: they
felt strange kisses on their lips; they saw rings in the candle; purses
bounced from the fire; and true-love knots lurked in the bottom of every
tea-cup.

Towards the end of the week we received a card from the town ladies, in
which, with their compliments, they hoped to see all our family at
church the Sunday following. All Saturday morning I could perceive, in
consequence of this, my wife and daughters in close conference together,
and now and then glancing at me with looks that betrayed a latent plot.
To be sincere, I had strong suspicions that some absurd proposal was
preparing for appearing with splendour the next day. In the evening they
began their operations in a very regular manner, and my wife undertook
to conduct the siege. After tea, when I seemed in spirits, she began
thus: "I fancy, Charles, my dear, we shall have a great deal of good
company at our church to-morrow. " "Perhaps we may, my dear," returned I;
"though you need be under no uneasiness about that—you shall have a
sermon whether there be or not. " "That is what I expect," returned she;
"but I think, my dear, we ought to appear there as decently as possible,
for who knows what may happen? " "Your precautions," replied I, "are
highly commendable. A decent behaviour and appearance at church is what
charms me. We should be devout and humble, cheerful and serene. " "Yes,"
cried she, "I know that; but I mean we should go there in as proper a
manner as possible; not altogether like the scrubs about us. " "You are
quite right, my dear," returned I, "and I was going to make the very
same proposal. The proper manner of going is, to go there as early as
possible, to have time for meditation before the service begins. " "Phoo!
Charles," interrupted she, "all that is very true, but not what I would
be at. I mean, we should go there genteelly. You know the church is two
miles off, and I protest I don't like to see my daughters trudging up to
their pew all blowzed and red with walking, and looking for all the
world as if they had been winners at a smock-race. Now, my dear, my
proposal is this—there are our two plough-horses, the colt that has been
in our family these nine years, and his companion Blackberry, that has
scarcely done an earthly thing for this month past; they are both grown
fat and lazy: why should they not do something as well as we? And let me
tell you, when Moses has trimmed them a little they will cut a very
tolerable figure. "

To this proposal I objected that walking would be twenty times more
genteel than such a paltry conveyance, as Blackberry was wall-eyed, and
the colt wanted a tail; that they had never been broke to the rein, but
had a hundred vicious tricks; and that we had but one saddle and pillion
in the whole house. All these objections, however, were overruled; so
that I was obliged to comply. The next morning I perceived them not a
little busy in collecting such materials as might be necessary for the
expedition; but, as I found it would be a work of time, I walked on to
the church before, and they promised speedily to follow. I waited near
an hour in the reading desk for their arrival; but, not finding them
come as was expected, I was obliged to begin, and went through the
service, not without some uneasiness at finding them absent.

[Illustration:

"_But a thing of this kind, madam," cried she, addressing
my spouse, "requires a thorough examination into characters,
and a more perfect knowledge of each other. _"—_p. _ 46.
]


This was increased when all was finished, and no appearance of the
family. I therefore walked back by the horse-way, which was five miles
round, though the footway was but two; and when I got about half way
home, perceived the procession marching slowly forward towards the
church—my son, my wife, and the two little ones exalted upon one horse,
and my two daughters upon the other. I demanded the cause of their
delay; but I soon found by their looks they had met with a thousand
misfortunes on the road. The horses had at first refused to move from
the door, till Mr. Burchell was kind enough to beat them forward for
about two hundred yards with his cudgel. Next the straps of my wife's
pillion broke down, and they were obliged to stop to repair them before
they could proceed. After that, one of the horses took it into his head
to stand still, and neither blows nor entreaties could prevail with him
to proceed. They were just recovering from this dismal situation when I
found them; but perceiving everything safe, I own their present
mortification did not much displease me, as it would give me many
opportunities of future triumph, and teach my daughters more humility.




_CHAPTER XI. _

_The family still resolve to hold up their heads. _


Michaelmas-Eve happening on the next day, we were invited to burn nuts
and play tricks at neighbour Flamborough's. Our late mortifications had
humbled us a little, or it is probable we might have rejected such an
invitation with contempt: however, we suffered ourselves to be happy.
Our honest neighbour's goose and dumplings were fine; and the
lamb's-wool, even in the opinion of my wife, who was a connoisseur, was
excellent. It is true, his manner of telling stories was not quite so
well. They were very long and very dull, and all about himself, and we
had laughed at them ten times before; however, we were kind enough to
laugh at them once more.

Mr. Burchell, who was of the party, was always fond of seeing some
innocent amusement going forward, and set the boys and girls to
blindman's buff. My wife too was persuaded to join in the diversion, and
it gave me pleasure to think that she was not yet too old. In the
meantime, my neighbour and I looked on, laughed at every feat, and
praised our own dexterity when we were young. Hot cockles succeeded
next, questions and commands followed that, and, last of all, they sat
down to hunt the slipper. As every person may not be acquainted with
this primeval pastime, it may be necessary to observe, that the company
at this play plant themselves in a ring upon the ground, all except one
who stands in the middle, whose business it is to catch a shoe which the
company shove about under their hams from one to another, something like
a weaver's shuttle. As it is impossible, in this case, for the lady who
is up to face all the company at once, the great beauty of the play lies
in hitting her a thump with the heel of the shoe on that side least
capable of making a defence. It was in this manner that my eldest
daughter was hemmed in, and thumped about, all blowzed, in spirits, and
bawling for fair play with a voice that might deafen a ballad-singer,
when, confusion on confusion! who should enter the room but our two
great acquaintances from town, Lady Blarney and Miss Carolina Wilhelmina
Amelia Skeggs! Description would but beggar, therefore it is unnecessary
to describe this new mortification. —Death! to be seen by ladies of such
high breeding in such vulgar attitudes! Nothing better could ensue from
such a vulgar play of Mr. Flamborough's proposing. We seemed stuck to
the ground for some time, as if actually petrified with amazement.

The two ladies had been at our house to see us, and finding us from
home, came after us hither, as they were uneasy to know what accident
could have kept us from church the day before. Olivia undertook to be
our prolocutor, and delivered the whole in a summary way, only saying,
"We were thrown from our horses. " At which account the ladies were
greatly concerned; but being told the family received no hurt, they were
extremely glad; but being informed that we were almost killed with
fright, they were vastly sorry; but hearing that we had a very good
night, they were extremely glad again. Nothing could exceed their
complaisance to my daughters: their professions the last evening were
warm, but now they were ardent. They protested a desire of having a more
lasting acquaintance. Lady Blarney was particularly attached to Olivia;
Miss Carolina Wilhelmina Amelia Skeggs (I love to give the whole name)
took a greater fancy to her sister. They supported the conversation
between themselves, while my daughters sat silent, admiring their
exalted breeding. But as every reader, however beggarly himself, is fond
of high-lived dialogues, with anecdotes of lords, ladies, and knights of
the garter, I must beg leave to give him the concluding part of the
present conversation.

"All that I know of the matter," cried Miss Skeggs, "is this, that it
may be true, or it may not be true: but this I can assure your ladyship,
that the whole rout was in amaze; his lordship turned all manner of
colours, my lady fell into a swoon; but Sir Tomkyn, drawing his sword,
swore he was hers to the last drop of his blood. "

"Well," replied our peeress, "this I can say, that the duchess never
told me a syllable of the matter, and I believe her grace would keep
nothing a secret from me. This you may depend upon as fact, that the
next morning my lord duke cried out three times to his valet-de-chambre,
'Jernigan! Jernigan! Jernigan!