His conflict was so great that just after he got on the boat to go back to China, he had a strong urge to run ashore; and even after he arrived at Canton, the first mainland city on the way to Peking, he almost changed his mind again, and was
dissuaded
from returning to Hong Kong only by friends who urged him to remain for the sake of his education and his future.
Lifton-Robert-Jay-Thought-Reform-and-the-Psychology-of-Totalism
He was the fourth of eight children, the third of five boys.
Through most of his childhood, he remembers, his mother was "the symbol of the family.
" She had a more aristocratic background, and in times of difficulty her leadership and her money sustained them all.
The close attachment between George and his mother had a crucial bearing upon his later life; but during his earliest years, he was attended to mainly by maids or amahs.
One of these amahs
(said to be as strict as she was devoted) took care of him from birth until the age of two-and-a-half; and when she left, George experi- enced (as he was later told) a true infantile depression: he cried in- cessantly, called the amah's name, refused food, and resisted the efforts of others--including his mother--to take care of him. When he got a bit older, he began to realize that his mother found it very hard to care for her eight children; she was often short of breast milk, and became flustered by minor crises. He came to think of her as possessing "the virtues and the frailties" of womanhood: senti- mental, indecisive, kind, easy-going, and generous.
In the face of the Japanese invasion, the family moved to Hong Kong, where George lived from the ages of three to seven. During this period--and for most of his childhood--George remembers see- ing his father only infrequently, since distant assignments kept him away from home. George spent a good deal of his time with his two grandmothers, and each of these elderly women had a distinctive impact upon the boy. His paternal grandmother, a garrulous and opinionated lady, was kind to George and the other children; but she conveyed to them in no uncertain terms her moralistic, funda- mentalist Protestant beliefs: whoever did evil would be condemned to everlasting suffering in Hell, and only the good would enter Heaven and enjoy eternal happiness. George later learned that she had her own cross to bear: her husband, much to the disgrace of the entire family, chose to ignore them and lived with a concubine in another section of Hong Kong. Quite different was the influence of George's "adopted grandmother," who was the wife of George's great-uncle. (The great-uncle was an elder son, and since he and his wife were childless, they had "adopted" George's father in order to continue the main line of the family. ) This grandmother was a gay country woman who imparted to the children her own love of
nature, and delighted in taking them on outdoor excursions and in
? THE CONVERSIONS OF YOUTH 3 1 5
buying them frivolous presents,
George remembers himself as a very weak and sickly youngster,
who frequently suffered from indigestion, cough, and nervousness: "Whenever I would get very scared, this would cause me some ill- ness:" He was considered not strong enough to play with the other children, and was carried on the back of his amah longer than the others; despite the attention he received from his family members, he felt lonely a good deal of the time. Often kept indoors, he would sit on a small balcony and draw pictures of people, automobiles, and steamships he saw below, showing some talent in art and callig- raphy. He lived a great deal in the world of his daydreams, im- agining himself to be, instead of a weak little boy, a powerful hero, an armed policeman, a soldier, or a man of wealth who would deliver the family from its constant economic difficulties.
Even this small child was made to feel that everything was tem- porary, that he and the other family members were refugees in a very disturbed world, and that all of them had to somehow survive the indignity of living and dressing in a manner considered beneath the family station. And it was further suggested to him that if the family could only return to its home in Canton, everything would be all right: George's father would be able to join them, their finan- cial status would be better, the errant grandfather would come back and "end the family shame," and the family would be able to hold up its head once more.
Attending school from the ages of five to seven in Hong Kong, George was whisked to and from the building by his amah, and mixed little with the other children. Then the family moved to Chungking in central China and became part of a friendly wartime community. During the years he lived in Chungking, George's physical strength greatly improved, and he began to take part in all activities centering around the nearby school He emerged as an out- standing student. He became interested in Chinese history, par- ticularly in great heroes of the past, and developed the ambition of becoming himself a national hero.
In 1945, when George was ten years old, the war ended. The family made several quick moves, finally returning to Canton. In rapid succession, George was sent to three different boarding schools, two of them run by Protestant missionary groups. These were his first separations from his family; and during one period of
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three months, his mother was several hundred miles away from him. The homesickness which he experienced was largely a longing for her; he also contrasted his sense of "coldness" at being thrust among strange boys in shabby dormitories with the warmth and recognition he had known in Chungking.
When the family was finally reunited, however, he was faced with still another set of painful emotions, centering around an in- creasingly critical attitude toward his father. This protector, whose return he had so longed for, began to assume much less heroic pro- portions at close hand. Not only did George feel that he had been replaced in his father's affections by the younger children; he also began to realize that his father was not too good a family provider. Worse than this, he came to see his father as "not a reasonable man"--and to regard his outbursts of temper and general clumsi- ness in human relationships as extremely offensive.
In his distress, George turned to the religion offered to him in school. Influenced by his grandmother's earlier teachings and by the example of his older brother, who had become a Christian, George was baptized at the age of twelve, together with a younger brother and cousin. Behind this act, in addition to family influences, was a highly personal quest:
I then felt that life was very fleeting, and that nothing was very sure . . . thatwhenonedied,allofhishopesandachievementswouldperish with him . . . and that religion might be a way to a solution for all of this.
Before long George lost interest in organized religion; but he never lost his concern about man's spiritual needs and the convic- tion that "life is much more than just its materialistic interpreta- tion,"
Whatever emotional help this religious orientation may have supplied him, George did succeed in righting himself, overcoming his youthful despair, and again distinguishing himself academically --this time especially in mathematics and physics. Still preferring literature to athletics, he continued to go his own way: "I was considered by others to be lonesome, although at the time I did not consider myself to be very lonely. "
Soon, however, he began to be troubled by sexual urges. He en- joyed the pornographic literature passed around in school as much as the next fellow, but he suffered more than most over his enjoy-
? THE CONVERSIONS OF YOUTH 317
ment. He dealt with the situation by establishing a personal taboo: "I felt very ashamed of myself. . . . I would prevent myself from touching these books even if they were available. " He found great relief by reading (at the age of fifteen) a Chinese translation of Lady Chatterley's Lover, after which "I no longer felt that sex was evil. " But this partial enlightenment by no means eradicated his moralistic condemnation of his self-stimulation nor prevented a developing tendency (as frequent in Chinese culture as in the West) to distinguish sharply between the "nice girls" he knew and the more lascivious objects of his fantasy. "I would imagine the sexual act with some sexy woman, never my wife or fiancee. . . . I never connect physical desire with emotional interest,"
He was in the midst of these adolescent conflicts at the time of the national political excitement preceding the Communist take- over. Although he had shared in the wartime patriotism and anti- Japanese sentiment, he was slower than most youths around him to develop sharp political convictions. When he was fourteen, he had criticized his older brother because of the latter's increasing in- volvement with left-wing causes, believing that "young people should not get into these affairs because they cannot do anything about them. " As he began to learn more himself, however, he too began to take a stand against the corruption of the Nationalist regime and in favor of far-reaching changes for his country, looking toward a "great leader" to bring them about. He had mixed feelings about the Communists: as a political party antagonistic to the Nationalists, he felt that they might be able to implement some of the necessary changes; but he could not help suspecting that they were "puppets of Soviet Russia. "
At this time, his father's activities caused him much resentment. With Communist hegemony imminent, his father--now at home, with little to do--spent hours eating and talking at tea houses, where, according to George, friends would come and flatter him and amateur palm readers would tell him of the brilliant career ahead of him. George bitterly condemned his father's self-indulgence, his eating too much, and his wasting of time and money. But he was even more angered by the futile, last-ditch anti-Communist activi- ties in which his father suddenly became involved, considering them nothing more than an escape from idleness, and potentially harmful to others in the family.
When the Communist armies entered Canton, however, George
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realized that he too felt hostile toward them because, although aware of the old regime's shortcomings, "I had always taken the Nationalist government as my mother country. " Shortly afterward, when he returned home from school on a visit, he learned that his father had fled to Hong Kong. His mother had been required to quarter Communist soldiers in the family home, and although they were well-behaved, she expressed to George her resentment of the intrusion. She also told her son that the new regime was likely to be no better than the Nationalists, and quoted the Chinese proverb, "Crows everywhere are black. "
At his Protestant middle school, he found that students around him varied in their sentiments. Many were enthusiastic about the Communists, and followed the lead of political activists who-- even in this age group--identified themselves as former members of the Communist underground. A significant number of students, however (some but not all of whom were Christian), shared George's suspicion of the Communists. But few had much sympathy for the defeated Nationalists, and George "felt foolish" about his own emotional loyalties to them.
Thought reform (or "political study") was soon initiated, but only gradually. Students were told that at the middle school level they were more "ignorant" than "contaminated. " Regular political classes were started, as well as small group sessions for criticism and self-criticism; the latter at first took up about two hours a day and were not regularly held. Political instructors were chosen from among the most "progressive" of the old teachers. One of these presented the Communist doctrine in earnest, logical terms and had a profound effect upon George:
I was always moved listening to him. . . . It was under his influence that my thought began to change a few months after the liberation. Emotionally, I was still in favor of the Nationalist Government. All my family and relatives didn't like this new regime, and I myself also felt that the new regime was hostile to us. But rationally I could not oppose it. I thought its way of expression a little too exaggerated, but its princi- ples always right; moreover, morally I should support it, because it represented the people, and it was righteous and justified.
Beyond considerations of logic, George was deeply affected by such emotions as the urge to belong and the need for hope--to the point of experiencing something close to a religious conversion:
? THE CONVERSIONS OF YOUTH 319
How this occurred is a little vague. One night I went back to school alone. On the road to the dormitory in the campus there were only a few dimly-lit road lamps, and the place seemed very lonesome. I sud- denly felt very lonely, and had the understanding of what my own situa- tion was. I knew that I had no future, that people like us seemed to have been thrown out. And yet I could not even hate this regime. Then suddenly my thought turned towards the opposite direction. Perhaps this revolution was good for everybody. Perhaps all of us would one day be happy and satisfied just as the Communists had said. If so, why should I feel sorry any more? . . . I once thought that my change in emotion was made by the power of will after my intellectual understand- ing had changed. But I can see it in retrospect now, that whenever I was bothered emotionally by the thought of having no future and being thrown out politically, I always tried to think toward the opposite di- rection, and then would feel rather resolved in the new point of view.
Over the next two years, the Communist material presented in lectures, discussions, and reading assignments always appealed to the students' "conscience and compassion" so that "we could not neglect nor turn away from it," Even when the program seemed moderate, George felt that it was "very tense inside. " He occasion- ally experienced doubts, and he once expressed to a cousin the be- lief that the regime was undemocratic and illiberal. But his cousin disagreed with him, replying, "If you are right about this, what future can we have for our country? " George's doubts were also sup- pressed by his need to believe: "I thought to myself, 'If the Com- munists were really malicious and wicked, what would we do? ' This problem was too formidable. Everybody preferred the thought that they were righteous and just . . . and everybody was willing to believe this. "
Three mass campaigns--"Accuse Japan," "Accuse America," and "Enlist for the Army"--dramatically mobilized student emotions. The first of these campaigns, according to George, was especially effective because the students, young as they were, could recall personal antagonisms toward the Japanese:
Before the Accuse-Japan Meeting was launched, there was an Anti- Japanese-Rearmament Week, and all of the songs we sang during the war against Japanese aggression were played over the radio. This helped the students to remember wartime and to revive the old hatred. Then the Accuse-Japan general meeting took place for three continuous days. At first there were reports of the historical events of Japanese aggression in China, and the hideous plot of the American imperialists to rearm
? 320 THOUGHT REFORM
Japan. Then the students spoke freely about their own experiences, sufferings, and tragedies during the war. The first few speeches were pre- arranged by the Students7 League and the New Democratic Youth Corps. . . . The atmosphere was easily achieved. . . . Many students went up to the stage voluntarily, and even those who did not go up had just the same hatred for the Japanese and for the American imperialists.
George was deeply affected by this campaign, and critical of him- self for not being even more zealous: "I felt ashamed that I was less full of hate than the others. "
Similar passions were aroused during the "Accuse America" meet- ings, although George thought these less successful because students had less personal animosity toward America. But they did resolve to destroy all of the imported American bluejeans which they owned. In retrospect, George felt this to be "the epidemic spread of a fashion. . . . The fear of being considered lagging behind, and not the genuine change of an idea/'
The Enlist for the Army campaign, which lasted for one month, was more a means of eliciting the students' willingness to serve than an actual attempt to obtain military personnel. George de- scribed the movement's moral force, and the threat of ostracism to those who resisted:
Progressive students were always there to criticize those who were not willing to enlist, saying that they were just being selfish, since the fear of sacrifice or the consideration of one's own future were only selfishness. . . . The students who enlisted had some special activities together, and everybody wished to participate in these. . . . Those who enlisted called for the others to join them. . . . And those who did not enlist were not as well regarded. . . . To a student who did not enlist, this month was really a kind of persecution. . . . The constant meetings in large and small groups were a way of reproach. . . . You felt yourself all wrong. You found no way out of this. You felt that you could not stand among the enlisted when you met them. . . . The student who had not enlisted had already admitted inside his own mind that he was not right.
. . . He felt lonely, and he and others like him did not dare to unite or to encourage each other. Everyone was aware that this disturbance could be resolved by enlisting for the army. . . . I was among the en- listed.
George felt, however (again in retrospect), that there was a tendency in him to resist, and that "if I had a family member to talk to me personally or a girl friend to oppose it," he might not
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have enlisted. But his faith in Communism, like that of his fellow students, steadily increased.
This faith was then greatly undermined during a visit to his family in Hong Kong over the summer vacation. And this same sequence occurred the following year: reinforcement of his Com- munist beliefs at school on the mainland, then the emergence of critical views in Hong Kong. He attributed these shifts to the in- fluence of individual family members, as well as to an underlying sympathy for Western democracies. "When I was on the mainland I had to suppress this original affection and favor. . . . But once arriving in Hong Kong, the suppression was relieved and my ideas naturally went back to their original form. " In any case, the shifts were rather extreme: "On the mainland I thought the Communist aims to be just, and that I should devote myself to them. . . . In Hong Kong, I thought the Communist aims were but lies, their means too cruel, and that even if we did want to achieve a modern cosmopolitan country we should not follow the Communist way. " Whatever his vantage point, he was extremely impressionable: "I was quite inevitably sentimental: on the mainland I was willing to believe the Communists, and in Hong Kong I was willing to oppose them. "
He was nonetheless determined to return to the mainland for his university education, having passed his entrance examination for Peking University (China's leading academic center) before his second Hong Kong visit. His parents bitterly opposed this and urged him to remain with them. His father went so far as to issue what is in any culture the ultimate parental threat: "If you insist upon going to Peking, I cannot any longer consider you my son. " But George was less affected by this pronouncement than he was by his mother's obvious grief at the time of his departure.
His conflict was so great that just after he got on the boat to go back to China, he had a strong urge to run ashore; and even after he arrived at Canton, the first mainland city on the way to Peking, he almost changed his mind again, and was dissuaded from returning to Hong Kong only by friends who urged him to remain for the sake of his education and his future.
At the University of Peking, George found the pattern of thought reform similar to that at middle school, but more intensive: not only did criticism and self-criticism within small groups become
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more focused and personal, but students were expected to be in- stigators as well as followers. During the Three Anti Movement --against waste, corruption, and bureaucracy--the first of a series of campaigns on the campus, it was the students who searched out these evils among all university employees, including faculty members. In fact, a student, as local Communist Party secretary, ran the campaign, and for some time virtually ran the university.
The movement followed the usual sequence: an announcement by Mao Tse-tung, editorials in leading newspapers about its pur- poses and general methods, and then preparation at the university itself. Posters were prominent everywhere, slogans and cartoon caricatures appeared on all the classroom blackboards (called the "blackboard press"), and loudspeakers broadcasted throughout the university--in dining rooms, dormitories, assembly halls, and depart- ment buildings. The campaign achieved its greatest intensity during a two-month period devoted entirely to its activities: students were required to remain at the university for what would ordinarily have been a one-month vacation period, and the beginning of the next term's classes was delayed for still another month. George served as a "detention guard," watching over those nonprofessional employees
(servants and clerical help) who were detained in special bed- rooms or classrooms, each isolated and subjected to a barrage of pressures to confess his past participation in corrupt activities. None of those singled out failed to confess, and some were sent to prison.
For George and the other students, the most impressive events were the public confessions of their professors (here the Three Anti Movement merged with the Thought Reform Campaign). Each faculty member was required to make a "self-examination" before the students of his own department, and criticize his political short- comings and also his deficiencies in teaching method and outlook. George was impressed by the influence which students could bring to bear upon their professors, especially so in the case of his own department head:
Professor M was the ex-chairman of the Chinese National League of Physicists, a very renowned professor. But the students did not like him too much. He muttered when he spoke, and he was not too sociable a person. . . . Allthe students were free to give their true opinions about his teaching, their criticism about him. They emphasized with him and with most of the professors that they neglected their teaching and were
? THE CONVERSIONS OF YOUTH J2J
more interested in research. . . . But his case was especially big because as faculty chairman he was accused about other aspects of university behavior. . . . He got up and accused himself of his previous dealings with the KMT, his friendship with KMT leaders. He also confessed that he had not been very enthusiastic in thought reform, and had not taken a very active part in the political classes among the professors. Then he said that when he had been chairman of the faculty committee, he had not really worked as a true chairman--that he had been only eager to write articles in order to get them published in magazines for his own international fame--and that his work was really for himself, not for his students. . . . The students kept adding criticisms, and he had to criticize himself on four occasions before he was allowed to finish. . . . Practically speaking, almost all of the professors "bowed their heads" in front of the Party. They were approved sooner or later. Some were very tough and stubborn at first, but then to everybody's surprise, they would turn about face and admit that they had been wrong.
George felt that some of these criticisms and self-criticisms were overdone, but thought most of them "reasonable"; for by now he was once more joining with group enthusiasms, and was in general accord with student actions.
During the Honesty and Frankness Movement which followed (also a part of the Thought Reform Campaign), students turned their criticisms upon themselves. They were told that in the past the government had been corrupt and the political system "irra- tional," so that people were forced to be dishonest; but now, with an enlightened and "rational" government, one could be "honest and frank" about everything. In addition to the usual details about their backgrounds, students were expected to confess such things as "intrigues and wrongs of parents," cheating during examinations,
listening to illegal radio broadcasts, and (especially for women) lies about age.
At first, George thought that any denunciation of his family would be immoral: "Prior to these meetings, I did not believe that family affiliation could be a mistake. " But group pressures soon led him to the opposite conviction, that it would be immoral not to denounce one's family: "The Organization [Party, Youth Corps, and government] kept emphasizing that attachment toward our families was selfish and wrong, since they had been against the wel- fare of the people. So I began to feel that by loving my family, I was neglecting my duty to my country," Like Hu, George felt guilty over keeping a secret: "I also thought that if each individual
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kept something secret, something only known to himself, it would certainly have a bad effect upon his work for the government-- and for the sake of the people, it was right to ask everyone to tell the truth. " And he was greatly influenced by the unanimous con- fession trend among the forty freshmen physics students in his section: "When I saw others criticizing their family happily, and I contrasted this with my own reluctance, I began to think that this must be due to my own selfishness. " By this time, his inner moral conflict had become inextricably merged with fear of external re- prisal, so that the only solution he saw was to submit.
I felt very confused and upset. . . . I knew that the matter must be settled--and that if I didn't do it well, the government would discover that I wasn't being frank enough and I would be in for trouble. I felt that if I could once and for all settle the turmoil in my mind, I would calm down and be able to feel that I had done my duty to my country.
In deciding what to confess, George was influenced by others be- fore him ("they set good examples for me") and by his realization that the purpose of the movement was to get people to confess those things they most wished to conceal:
To me the only thing I wanted to conceal was that I had come from a reactionary, bureaucratic family--so this was the thing to confess. . . . I told that my father had been a KMT official, a KMT party member, and had held important KMT positions. I said that he had been a reactionary, a man who worked for the welfare of his class which was against the welfare of the people. . . . and that my attachment for my family was selfish and wrong. . . .
He experienced the relief of one who has carried out his obliga- tions: "I had the feeling that what I did was right, because it was what the government required me to do, and that it was proper behavior. " But his family attachments could not be severed, and he could not avoid recurrent guilt:
When I would receive letters from my family, or look through my lug- gage and see reminders of home, I felt sorry about what I had done. . . . Other students told me that after they had made their confession they considered their relationship with their family ended, and that they felt great relief and did not have to worry any more. . . . I did not feel this way.
? THE CONVERSIONS OF YOUTH 325
George also experienced the full impact of one other campaign --the fabricated Chinese charges about bacteriological warfare.
At a mass meeting there were formal reports given of the proofs available --of American planes having carried leaves with insects and bacteria, pictures of these. . . . Then all of the students went to an open exhibi- tion in Peking of small glass bottles of leaves that carried the germs, as well as insects--also test tubes, and dissected pathological parts of dead people who had died from these germs--everything in great detail . . . cholera and other epidemic diseases to destroy the agriculture of China. It said that some of these germs had been dropped in North Korea, some in Manchuria, and some in other Chinese provinces. . . . Atfirst I was not so sure. . . . But later, when the confessions of American pilots were published *--photographs and attached signatures--and there was confirmation of the fact by several famous scientists from various countries, including a Fellow of the Royal Society, I believed it to be true.
Although convinced by this campaign, George found himself once more deficient in hatred, this time because he was unable to evoke the necessary stereotype of the evil American; and once more he considered this to be a moral shortcoming on his part.
1 felt resentful against the Americans, and believed that it was very in- human for a civilized country to commit such an evil deed. . . . But when many students in my class became very angry and made heated accusations against the American imperialists . . . I found that I could not feel as angry as they did. . . . Perhaps it was because I could never experience a bloodthirsty image of an American. I had a bloodthirsty image of a Japanese soldier in my mind. . . . of a cold, able, but in- human German. But 1 saw an American--though no longer easygoing, kindhearted and generous--still cheerful, openminded, and innocent. . , . I admitted that germ warfare was a fact, and I tried very hard to model a picture of the fierce American , . . but my impression of the innocent American never quite diminished. . . . B u t then I w a s ashamed of myself for not being emotional enough.
Beyond these personal limitations, however, George was impressed with the effectiveness of the germ warfare agitation, not only in stirring up anti-American feeling and in rallying the Chinese people in a greater effort in the Korean war, but also in serving as a stimulus for a nationwide hygiene campaign, a campaign in which the students participated by laboring on improvement of their university sewage and drainage systems.
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During George's sophomore year, there were no major move- ments; but he experienced similar emotions in relationship to a continuing program of less dramatic thought reform measures. He did maintain a certain amount of emotional distance between him- self and the Communists: "I never deified the Party. . . . I be- lieved in it, but I never could make myself love it. " And especially during those rare moments when he was alone, he wondered whether Communism went too far in curbing personal freedom, or whether it was not being "unscientific" in its exaggeration and its claims of infallibility. But these doubts did not last: "I could not dare to believe that they were wrong and I was right. " By the end of his second year at the university--and at the end of four years of Communist student life and reform--the Party had gained his trust and his allegiance: "I was completely confident in their theories. I trusted their program. . . . They seemed invincible. Emotionally speaking, I relied on them. " Other students classified him as a "scholastic inactivist"--an outstanding student sufficiently progressive in his views but somewhat "lagging behind" in his enthusiasm and a bit "sentimental" about his family.
When he was summoned to Hong Kong during his vacation be- cause of the death of his grandfather--his first family visit in two years--he thought the trip would be nothing more than an inter- lude before returning to an exciting future in Communist China, and he planned to be back in Peking at the University well before the next semester began. Indeed, he applied a "reformed" judg- ment to all that he saw in Hong Kong:
I was hostile to the old society, and I looked upon the people in it with the eyes of an o\vl. I found myself unaccustomed to the capitalist way of life, and could not bear the vanity, waste, and extravagance of life here. . . . I resented differences and discrimination between rich and poor . . . well-to-do people enslaving their servants. . . . I thought that I could openly and disinterestedly scorn and hate them, for I was so much superior to them.
Yet within a few weeks he had reversed himself completely, this time not only in his point of view, but in his life plans. He decided to give up his university education on the mainland and remain in Hong Kong: again the influence of family members initiated a change of heart. He found his mother in an unhappy and "pitiable"
? THE CONVERSIONS OF YOUTH 327
state; he felt "overwhelmed by affection'7 for her and unwilling to contemplate the pain he would cause her if he returned to the mainland. He also experienced feelings of guilt and responsibility toward a younger brother whom he had sometimes bullied during childhood (one is responsible for one's younger brother in Chinese culture); and since this brother planned to study in Taiwan, George feared that if he returned to Peking he might never see him again. George described these family influences as "not rational, but rather emotional. "
Moreover, his older brother, to whom he had often looked for guidance in the past, was able to bring to bear upon him intellectual pressures as well. As an editor of an anti-Communist press service in Hong Kong, he made available to George a large number of books dealing with Western political theory, and presenting critical views of Russian Communism; these included a political biography of Lenin and a study of forced labor in the Soviet Union. George spent all of his waking hours reading; he was impressed by the works of Bertrand Russell, Arthur Lovejoy, and C. E. M. Joad, and was strongly affected by George Orwell's 1984: "I could compare this with my own experience on the mainland, and see that this was the logical eventual result of life under Communism/'
He developed a critical attitude toward Soviet Russia, and then a sense of mistrust for Chinese Communism, together with a more sympathetic view of the Western democratic tradition.
While on the mainland, I had considered democracy as an age-old idea, outmoded--the capitalist world a corrupt and decadent one which must be historically eliminated within a short period. . . . But now I began to feel that things in the capitalist system were not as hopeless as the Communists said . . . that some form of socialism might be a desirable goal . . . but that in any case, we should not follow the road set by Communism--a road of revolution, violence, and killing. . . . I re- evaluated my ideas about humanity, and the importance of liberalism. I also felt that the humanism derived from the tradition of the Italian Renaissance, and its skeptical spirit were much in contrast to the Com- munists and their fatalism. Their ideas about dialectical materialism seemed quite opposed to the scientific method and spirit.
Similarly, he began to feel that the uncertain future of life in Hong Kong--with the possible hope of some day studying in Amer- ica--was more desirable than completing his university education
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and accepting a job assignment in Communist China. Having tasted a certain amount of this kind of exploration in ideas, he concluded that this was what he wanted, and had in fact always wanted:
The whole atmosphere on the mainland did not encourage clear think- ing. But when I came out, I was able to read books, and permitted to think about things to a logical conclusion. I began to feel that I had no future in a society without this freedom. . . . I concluded that I had always been latently hostile to the Communists and now my hostility could come out.
As might be expected, George went through a period of painful doubt and indecision, "a conflict of the two understandings. " He also feared that the Communists might take over Hong Kong and force him to "face the consequences of my desertion. " And even after making a formal promise to his parents that he would re- main, he was unable to quiet the turmoil which emanated from his unconscious mind as a series of dreams:
In those ten days right after I had decided to remain here, I often--six or seven times---dreamed of getting back to the mainland. In the dreams, I was living with my classmates and talking with them as things used to be.
(said to be as strict as she was devoted) took care of him from birth until the age of two-and-a-half; and when she left, George experi- enced (as he was later told) a true infantile depression: he cried in- cessantly, called the amah's name, refused food, and resisted the efforts of others--including his mother--to take care of him. When he got a bit older, he began to realize that his mother found it very hard to care for her eight children; she was often short of breast milk, and became flustered by minor crises. He came to think of her as possessing "the virtues and the frailties" of womanhood: senti- mental, indecisive, kind, easy-going, and generous.
In the face of the Japanese invasion, the family moved to Hong Kong, where George lived from the ages of three to seven. During this period--and for most of his childhood--George remembers see- ing his father only infrequently, since distant assignments kept him away from home. George spent a good deal of his time with his two grandmothers, and each of these elderly women had a distinctive impact upon the boy. His paternal grandmother, a garrulous and opinionated lady, was kind to George and the other children; but she conveyed to them in no uncertain terms her moralistic, funda- mentalist Protestant beliefs: whoever did evil would be condemned to everlasting suffering in Hell, and only the good would enter Heaven and enjoy eternal happiness. George later learned that she had her own cross to bear: her husband, much to the disgrace of the entire family, chose to ignore them and lived with a concubine in another section of Hong Kong. Quite different was the influence of George's "adopted grandmother," who was the wife of George's great-uncle. (The great-uncle was an elder son, and since he and his wife were childless, they had "adopted" George's father in order to continue the main line of the family. ) This grandmother was a gay country woman who imparted to the children her own love of
nature, and delighted in taking them on outdoor excursions and in
? THE CONVERSIONS OF YOUTH 3 1 5
buying them frivolous presents,
George remembers himself as a very weak and sickly youngster,
who frequently suffered from indigestion, cough, and nervousness: "Whenever I would get very scared, this would cause me some ill- ness:" He was considered not strong enough to play with the other children, and was carried on the back of his amah longer than the others; despite the attention he received from his family members, he felt lonely a good deal of the time. Often kept indoors, he would sit on a small balcony and draw pictures of people, automobiles, and steamships he saw below, showing some talent in art and callig- raphy. He lived a great deal in the world of his daydreams, im- agining himself to be, instead of a weak little boy, a powerful hero, an armed policeman, a soldier, or a man of wealth who would deliver the family from its constant economic difficulties.
Even this small child was made to feel that everything was tem- porary, that he and the other family members were refugees in a very disturbed world, and that all of them had to somehow survive the indignity of living and dressing in a manner considered beneath the family station. And it was further suggested to him that if the family could only return to its home in Canton, everything would be all right: George's father would be able to join them, their finan- cial status would be better, the errant grandfather would come back and "end the family shame," and the family would be able to hold up its head once more.
Attending school from the ages of five to seven in Hong Kong, George was whisked to and from the building by his amah, and mixed little with the other children. Then the family moved to Chungking in central China and became part of a friendly wartime community. During the years he lived in Chungking, George's physical strength greatly improved, and he began to take part in all activities centering around the nearby school He emerged as an out- standing student. He became interested in Chinese history, par- ticularly in great heroes of the past, and developed the ambition of becoming himself a national hero.
In 1945, when George was ten years old, the war ended. The family made several quick moves, finally returning to Canton. In rapid succession, George was sent to three different boarding schools, two of them run by Protestant missionary groups. These were his first separations from his family; and during one period of
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three months, his mother was several hundred miles away from him. The homesickness which he experienced was largely a longing for her; he also contrasted his sense of "coldness" at being thrust among strange boys in shabby dormitories with the warmth and recognition he had known in Chungking.
When the family was finally reunited, however, he was faced with still another set of painful emotions, centering around an in- creasingly critical attitude toward his father. This protector, whose return he had so longed for, began to assume much less heroic pro- portions at close hand. Not only did George feel that he had been replaced in his father's affections by the younger children; he also began to realize that his father was not too good a family provider. Worse than this, he came to see his father as "not a reasonable man"--and to regard his outbursts of temper and general clumsi- ness in human relationships as extremely offensive.
In his distress, George turned to the religion offered to him in school. Influenced by his grandmother's earlier teachings and by the example of his older brother, who had become a Christian, George was baptized at the age of twelve, together with a younger brother and cousin. Behind this act, in addition to family influences, was a highly personal quest:
I then felt that life was very fleeting, and that nothing was very sure . . . thatwhenonedied,allofhishopesandachievementswouldperish with him . . . and that religion might be a way to a solution for all of this.
Before long George lost interest in organized religion; but he never lost his concern about man's spiritual needs and the convic- tion that "life is much more than just its materialistic interpreta- tion,"
Whatever emotional help this religious orientation may have supplied him, George did succeed in righting himself, overcoming his youthful despair, and again distinguishing himself academically --this time especially in mathematics and physics. Still preferring literature to athletics, he continued to go his own way: "I was considered by others to be lonesome, although at the time I did not consider myself to be very lonely. "
Soon, however, he began to be troubled by sexual urges. He en- joyed the pornographic literature passed around in school as much as the next fellow, but he suffered more than most over his enjoy-
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ment. He dealt with the situation by establishing a personal taboo: "I felt very ashamed of myself. . . . I would prevent myself from touching these books even if they were available. " He found great relief by reading (at the age of fifteen) a Chinese translation of Lady Chatterley's Lover, after which "I no longer felt that sex was evil. " But this partial enlightenment by no means eradicated his moralistic condemnation of his self-stimulation nor prevented a developing tendency (as frequent in Chinese culture as in the West) to distinguish sharply between the "nice girls" he knew and the more lascivious objects of his fantasy. "I would imagine the sexual act with some sexy woman, never my wife or fiancee. . . . I never connect physical desire with emotional interest,"
He was in the midst of these adolescent conflicts at the time of the national political excitement preceding the Communist take- over. Although he had shared in the wartime patriotism and anti- Japanese sentiment, he was slower than most youths around him to develop sharp political convictions. When he was fourteen, he had criticized his older brother because of the latter's increasing in- volvement with left-wing causes, believing that "young people should not get into these affairs because they cannot do anything about them. " As he began to learn more himself, however, he too began to take a stand against the corruption of the Nationalist regime and in favor of far-reaching changes for his country, looking toward a "great leader" to bring them about. He had mixed feelings about the Communists: as a political party antagonistic to the Nationalists, he felt that they might be able to implement some of the necessary changes; but he could not help suspecting that they were "puppets of Soviet Russia. "
At this time, his father's activities caused him much resentment. With Communist hegemony imminent, his father--now at home, with little to do--spent hours eating and talking at tea houses, where, according to George, friends would come and flatter him and amateur palm readers would tell him of the brilliant career ahead of him. George bitterly condemned his father's self-indulgence, his eating too much, and his wasting of time and money. But he was even more angered by the futile, last-ditch anti-Communist activi- ties in which his father suddenly became involved, considering them nothing more than an escape from idleness, and potentially harmful to others in the family.
When the Communist armies entered Canton, however, George
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realized that he too felt hostile toward them because, although aware of the old regime's shortcomings, "I had always taken the Nationalist government as my mother country. " Shortly afterward, when he returned home from school on a visit, he learned that his father had fled to Hong Kong. His mother had been required to quarter Communist soldiers in the family home, and although they were well-behaved, she expressed to George her resentment of the intrusion. She also told her son that the new regime was likely to be no better than the Nationalists, and quoted the Chinese proverb, "Crows everywhere are black. "
At his Protestant middle school, he found that students around him varied in their sentiments. Many were enthusiastic about the Communists, and followed the lead of political activists who-- even in this age group--identified themselves as former members of the Communist underground. A significant number of students, however (some but not all of whom were Christian), shared George's suspicion of the Communists. But few had much sympathy for the defeated Nationalists, and George "felt foolish" about his own emotional loyalties to them.
Thought reform (or "political study") was soon initiated, but only gradually. Students were told that at the middle school level they were more "ignorant" than "contaminated. " Regular political classes were started, as well as small group sessions for criticism and self-criticism; the latter at first took up about two hours a day and were not regularly held. Political instructors were chosen from among the most "progressive" of the old teachers. One of these presented the Communist doctrine in earnest, logical terms and had a profound effect upon George:
I was always moved listening to him. . . . It was under his influence that my thought began to change a few months after the liberation. Emotionally, I was still in favor of the Nationalist Government. All my family and relatives didn't like this new regime, and I myself also felt that the new regime was hostile to us. But rationally I could not oppose it. I thought its way of expression a little too exaggerated, but its princi- ples always right; moreover, morally I should support it, because it represented the people, and it was righteous and justified.
Beyond considerations of logic, George was deeply affected by such emotions as the urge to belong and the need for hope--to the point of experiencing something close to a religious conversion:
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How this occurred is a little vague. One night I went back to school alone. On the road to the dormitory in the campus there were only a few dimly-lit road lamps, and the place seemed very lonesome. I sud- denly felt very lonely, and had the understanding of what my own situa- tion was. I knew that I had no future, that people like us seemed to have been thrown out. And yet I could not even hate this regime. Then suddenly my thought turned towards the opposite direction. Perhaps this revolution was good for everybody. Perhaps all of us would one day be happy and satisfied just as the Communists had said. If so, why should I feel sorry any more? . . . I once thought that my change in emotion was made by the power of will after my intellectual understand- ing had changed. But I can see it in retrospect now, that whenever I was bothered emotionally by the thought of having no future and being thrown out politically, I always tried to think toward the opposite di- rection, and then would feel rather resolved in the new point of view.
Over the next two years, the Communist material presented in lectures, discussions, and reading assignments always appealed to the students' "conscience and compassion" so that "we could not neglect nor turn away from it," Even when the program seemed moderate, George felt that it was "very tense inside. " He occasion- ally experienced doubts, and he once expressed to a cousin the be- lief that the regime was undemocratic and illiberal. But his cousin disagreed with him, replying, "If you are right about this, what future can we have for our country? " George's doubts were also sup- pressed by his need to believe: "I thought to myself, 'If the Com- munists were really malicious and wicked, what would we do? ' This problem was too formidable. Everybody preferred the thought that they were righteous and just . . . and everybody was willing to believe this. "
Three mass campaigns--"Accuse Japan," "Accuse America," and "Enlist for the Army"--dramatically mobilized student emotions. The first of these campaigns, according to George, was especially effective because the students, young as they were, could recall personal antagonisms toward the Japanese:
Before the Accuse-Japan Meeting was launched, there was an Anti- Japanese-Rearmament Week, and all of the songs we sang during the war against Japanese aggression were played over the radio. This helped the students to remember wartime and to revive the old hatred. Then the Accuse-Japan general meeting took place for three continuous days. At first there were reports of the historical events of Japanese aggression in China, and the hideous plot of the American imperialists to rearm
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Japan. Then the students spoke freely about their own experiences, sufferings, and tragedies during the war. The first few speeches were pre- arranged by the Students7 League and the New Democratic Youth Corps. . . . The atmosphere was easily achieved. . . . Many students went up to the stage voluntarily, and even those who did not go up had just the same hatred for the Japanese and for the American imperialists.
George was deeply affected by this campaign, and critical of him- self for not being even more zealous: "I felt ashamed that I was less full of hate than the others. "
Similar passions were aroused during the "Accuse America" meet- ings, although George thought these less successful because students had less personal animosity toward America. But they did resolve to destroy all of the imported American bluejeans which they owned. In retrospect, George felt this to be "the epidemic spread of a fashion. . . . The fear of being considered lagging behind, and not the genuine change of an idea/'
The Enlist for the Army campaign, which lasted for one month, was more a means of eliciting the students' willingness to serve than an actual attempt to obtain military personnel. George de- scribed the movement's moral force, and the threat of ostracism to those who resisted:
Progressive students were always there to criticize those who were not willing to enlist, saying that they were just being selfish, since the fear of sacrifice or the consideration of one's own future were only selfishness. . . . The students who enlisted had some special activities together, and everybody wished to participate in these. . . . Those who enlisted called for the others to join them. . . . And those who did not enlist were not as well regarded. . . . To a student who did not enlist, this month was really a kind of persecution. . . . The constant meetings in large and small groups were a way of reproach. . . . You felt yourself all wrong. You found no way out of this. You felt that you could not stand among the enlisted when you met them. . . . The student who had not enlisted had already admitted inside his own mind that he was not right.
. . . He felt lonely, and he and others like him did not dare to unite or to encourage each other. Everyone was aware that this disturbance could be resolved by enlisting for the army. . . . I was among the en- listed.
George felt, however (again in retrospect), that there was a tendency in him to resist, and that "if I had a family member to talk to me personally or a girl friend to oppose it," he might not
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have enlisted. But his faith in Communism, like that of his fellow students, steadily increased.
This faith was then greatly undermined during a visit to his family in Hong Kong over the summer vacation. And this same sequence occurred the following year: reinforcement of his Com- munist beliefs at school on the mainland, then the emergence of critical views in Hong Kong. He attributed these shifts to the in- fluence of individual family members, as well as to an underlying sympathy for Western democracies. "When I was on the mainland I had to suppress this original affection and favor. . . . But once arriving in Hong Kong, the suppression was relieved and my ideas naturally went back to their original form. " In any case, the shifts were rather extreme: "On the mainland I thought the Communist aims to be just, and that I should devote myself to them. . . . In Hong Kong, I thought the Communist aims were but lies, their means too cruel, and that even if we did want to achieve a modern cosmopolitan country we should not follow the Communist way. " Whatever his vantage point, he was extremely impressionable: "I was quite inevitably sentimental: on the mainland I was willing to believe the Communists, and in Hong Kong I was willing to oppose them. "
He was nonetheless determined to return to the mainland for his university education, having passed his entrance examination for Peking University (China's leading academic center) before his second Hong Kong visit. His parents bitterly opposed this and urged him to remain with them. His father went so far as to issue what is in any culture the ultimate parental threat: "If you insist upon going to Peking, I cannot any longer consider you my son. " But George was less affected by this pronouncement than he was by his mother's obvious grief at the time of his departure.
His conflict was so great that just after he got on the boat to go back to China, he had a strong urge to run ashore; and even after he arrived at Canton, the first mainland city on the way to Peking, he almost changed his mind again, and was dissuaded from returning to Hong Kong only by friends who urged him to remain for the sake of his education and his future.
At the University of Peking, George found the pattern of thought reform similar to that at middle school, but more intensive: not only did criticism and self-criticism within small groups become
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more focused and personal, but students were expected to be in- stigators as well as followers. During the Three Anti Movement --against waste, corruption, and bureaucracy--the first of a series of campaigns on the campus, it was the students who searched out these evils among all university employees, including faculty members. In fact, a student, as local Communist Party secretary, ran the campaign, and for some time virtually ran the university.
The movement followed the usual sequence: an announcement by Mao Tse-tung, editorials in leading newspapers about its pur- poses and general methods, and then preparation at the university itself. Posters were prominent everywhere, slogans and cartoon caricatures appeared on all the classroom blackboards (called the "blackboard press"), and loudspeakers broadcasted throughout the university--in dining rooms, dormitories, assembly halls, and depart- ment buildings. The campaign achieved its greatest intensity during a two-month period devoted entirely to its activities: students were required to remain at the university for what would ordinarily have been a one-month vacation period, and the beginning of the next term's classes was delayed for still another month. George served as a "detention guard," watching over those nonprofessional employees
(servants and clerical help) who were detained in special bed- rooms or classrooms, each isolated and subjected to a barrage of pressures to confess his past participation in corrupt activities. None of those singled out failed to confess, and some were sent to prison.
For George and the other students, the most impressive events were the public confessions of their professors (here the Three Anti Movement merged with the Thought Reform Campaign). Each faculty member was required to make a "self-examination" before the students of his own department, and criticize his political short- comings and also his deficiencies in teaching method and outlook. George was impressed by the influence which students could bring to bear upon their professors, especially so in the case of his own department head:
Professor M was the ex-chairman of the Chinese National League of Physicists, a very renowned professor. But the students did not like him too much. He muttered when he spoke, and he was not too sociable a person. . . . Allthe students were free to give their true opinions about his teaching, their criticism about him. They emphasized with him and with most of the professors that they neglected their teaching and were
? THE CONVERSIONS OF YOUTH J2J
more interested in research. . . . But his case was especially big because as faculty chairman he was accused about other aspects of university behavior. . . . He got up and accused himself of his previous dealings with the KMT, his friendship with KMT leaders. He also confessed that he had not been very enthusiastic in thought reform, and had not taken a very active part in the political classes among the professors. Then he said that when he had been chairman of the faculty committee, he had not really worked as a true chairman--that he had been only eager to write articles in order to get them published in magazines for his own international fame--and that his work was really for himself, not for his students. . . . The students kept adding criticisms, and he had to criticize himself on four occasions before he was allowed to finish. . . . Practically speaking, almost all of the professors "bowed their heads" in front of the Party. They were approved sooner or later. Some were very tough and stubborn at first, but then to everybody's surprise, they would turn about face and admit that they had been wrong.
George felt that some of these criticisms and self-criticisms were overdone, but thought most of them "reasonable"; for by now he was once more joining with group enthusiasms, and was in general accord with student actions.
During the Honesty and Frankness Movement which followed (also a part of the Thought Reform Campaign), students turned their criticisms upon themselves. They were told that in the past the government had been corrupt and the political system "irra- tional," so that people were forced to be dishonest; but now, with an enlightened and "rational" government, one could be "honest and frank" about everything. In addition to the usual details about their backgrounds, students were expected to confess such things as "intrigues and wrongs of parents," cheating during examinations,
listening to illegal radio broadcasts, and (especially for women) lies about age.
At first, George thought that any denunciation of his family would be immoral: "Prior to these meetings, I did not believe that family affiliation could be a mistake. " But group pressures soon led him to the opposite conviction, that it would be immoral not to denounce one's family: "The Organization [Party, Youth Corps, and government] kept emphasizing that attachment toward our families was selfish and wrong, since they had been against the wel- fare of the people. So I began to feel that by loving my family, I was neglecting my duty to my country," Like Hu, George felt guilty over keeping a secret: "I also thought that if each individual
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kept something secret, something only known to himself, it would certainly have a bad effect upon his work for the government-- and for the sake of the people, it was right to ask everyone to tell the truth. " And he was greatly influenced by the unanimous con- fession trend among the forty freshmen physics students in his section: "When I saw others criticizing their family happily, and I contrasted this with my own reluctance, I began to think that this must be due to my own selfishness. " By this time, his inner moral conflict had become inextricably merged with fear of external re- prisal, so that the only solution he saw was to submit.
I felt very confused and upset. . . . I knew that the matter must be settled--and that if I didn't do it well, the government would discover that I wasn't being frank enough and I would be in for trouble. I felt that if I could once and for all settle the turmoil in my mind, I would calm down and be able to feel that I had done my duty to my country.
In deciding what to confess, George was influenced by others be- fore him ("they set good examples for me") and by his realization that the purpose of the movement was to get people to confess those things they most wished to conceal:
To me the only thing I wanted to conceal was that I had come from a reactionary, bureaucratic family--so this was the thing to confess. . . . I told that my father had been a KMT official, a KMT party member, and had held important KMT positions. I said that he had been a reactionary, a man who worked for the welfare of his class which was against the welfare of the people. . . . and that my attachment for my family was selfish and wrong. . . .
He experienced the relief of one who has carried out his obliga- tions: "I had the feeling that what I did was right, because it was what the government required me to do, and that it was proper behavior. " But his family attachments could not be severed, and he could not avoid recurrent guilt:
When I would receive letters from my family, or look through my lug- gage and see reminders of home, I felt sorry about what I had done. . . . Other students told me that after they had made their confession they considered their relationship with their family ended, and that they felt great relief and did not have to worry any more. . . . I did not feel this way.
? THE CONVERSIONS OF YOUTH 325
George also experienced the full impact of one other campaign --the fabricated Chinese charges about bacteriological warfare.
At a mass meeting there were formal reports given of the proofs available --of American planes having carried leaves with insects and bacteria, pictures of these. . . . Then all of the students went to an open exhibi- tion in Peking of small glass bottles of leaves that carried the germs, as well as insects--also test tubes, and dissected pathological parts of dead people who had died from these germs--everything in great detail . . . cholera and other epidemic diseases to destroy the agriculture of China. It said that some of these germs had been dropped in North Korea, some in Manchuria, and some in other Chinese provinces. . . . Atfirst I was not so sure. . . . But later, when the confessions of American pilots were published *--photographs and attached signatures--and there was confirmation of the fact by several famous scientists from various countries, including a Fellow of the Royal Society, I believed it to be true.
Although convinced by this campaign, George found himself once more deficient in hatred, this time because he was unable to evoke the necessary stereotype of the evil American; and once more he considered this to be a moral shortcoming on his part.
1 felt resentful against the Americans, and believed that it was very in- human for a civilized country to commit such an evil deed. . . . But when many students in my class became very angry and made heated accusations against the American imperialists . . . I found that I could not feel as angry as they did. . . . Perhaps it was because I could never experience a bloodthirsty image of an American. I had a bloodthirsty image of a Japanese soldier in my mind. . . . of a cold, able, but in- human German. But 1 saw an American--though no longer easygoing, kindhearted and generous--still cheerful, openminded, and innocent. . , . I admitted that germ warfare was a fact, and I tried very hard to model a picture of the fierce American , . . but my impression of the innocent American never quite diminished. . . . B u t then I w a s ashamed of myself for not being emotional enough.
Beyond these personal limitations, however, George was impressed with the effectiveness of the germ warfare agitation, not only in stirring up anti-American feeling and in rallying the Chinese people in a greater effort in the Korean war, but also in serving as a stimulus for a nationwide hygiene campaign, a campaign in which the students participated by laboring on improvement of their university sewage and drainage systems.
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During George's sophomore year, there were no major move- ments; but he experienced similar emotions in relationship to a continuing program of less dramatic thought reform measures. He did maintain a certain amount of emotional distance between him- self and the Communists: "I never deified the Party. . . . I be- lieved in it, but I never could make myself love it. " And especially during those rare moments when he was alone, he wondered whether Communism went too far in curbing personal freedom, or whether it was not being "unscientific" in its exaggeration and its claims of infallibility. But these doubts did not last: "I could not dare to believe that they were wrong and I was right. " By the end of his second year at the university--and at the end of four years of Communist student life and reform--the Party had gained his trust and his allegiance: "I was completely confident in their theories. I trusted their program. . . . They seemed invincible. Emotionally speaking, I relied on them. " Other students classified him as a "scholastic inactivist"--an outstanding student sufficiently progressive in his views but somewhat "lagging behind" in his enthusiasm and a bit "sentimental" about his family.
When he was summoned to Hong Kong during his vacation be- cause of the death of his grandfather--his first family visit in two years--he thought the trip would be nothing more than an inter- lude before returning to an exciting future in Communist China, and he planned to be back in Peking at the University well before the next semester began. Indeed, he applied a "reformed" judg- ment to all that he saw in Hong Kong:
I was hostile to the old society, and I looked upon the people in it with the eyes of an o\vl. I found myself unaccustomed to the capitalist way of life, and could not bear the vanity, waste, and extravagance of life here. . . . I resented differences and discrimination between rich and poor . . . well-to-do people enslaving their servants. . . . I thought that I could openly and disinterestedly scorn and hate them, for I was so much superior to them.
Yet within a few weeks he had reversed himself completely, this time not only in his point of view, but in his life plans. He decided to give up his university education on the mainland and remain in Hong Kong: again the influence of family members initiated a change of heart. He found his mother in an unhappy and "pitiable"
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state; he felt "overwhelmed by affection'7 for her and unwilling to contemplate the pain he would cause her if he returned to the mainland. He also experienced feelings of guilt and responsibility toward a younger brother whom he had sometimes bullied during childhood (one is responsible for one's younger brother in Chinese culture); and since this brother planned to study in Taiwan, George feared that if he returned to Peking he might never see him again. George described these family influences as "not rational, but rather emotional. "
Moreover, his older brother, to whom he had often looked for guidance in the past, was able to bring to bear upon him intellectual pressures as well. As an editor of an anti-Communist press service in Hong Kong, he made available to George a large number of books dealing with Western political theory, and presenting critical views of Russian Communism; these included a political biography of Lenin and a study of forced labor in the Soviet Union. George spent all of his waking hours reading; he was impressed by the works of Bertrand Russell, Arthur Lovejoy, and C. E. M. Joad, and was strongly affected by George Orwell's 1984: "I could compare this with my own experience on the mainland, and see that this was the logical eventual result of life under Communism/'
He developed a critical attitude toward Soviet Russia, and then a sense of mistrust for Chinese Communism, together with a more sympathetic view of the Western democratic tradition.
While on the mainland, I had considered democracy as an age-old idea, outmoded--the capitalist world a corrupt and decadent one which must be historically eliminated within a short period. . . . But now I began to feel that things in the capitalist system were not as hopeless as the Communists said . . . that some form of socialism might be a desirable goal . . . but that in any case, we should not follow the road set by Communism--a road of revolution, violence, and killing. . . . I re- evaluated my ideas about humanity, and the importance of liberalism. I also felt that the humanism derived from the tradition of the Italian Renaissance, and its skeptical spirit were much in contrast to the Com- munists and their fatalism. Their ideas about dialectical materialism seemed quite opposed to the scientific method and spirit.
Similarly, he began to feel that the uncertain future of life in Hong Kong--with the possible hope of some day studying in Amer- ica--was more desirable than completing his university education
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and accepting a job assignment in Communist China. Having tasted a certain amount of this kind of exploration in ideas, he concluded that this was what he wanted, and had in fact always wanted:
The whole atmosphere on the mainland did not encourage clear think- ing. But when I came out, I was able to read books, and permitted to think about things to a logical conclusion. I began to feel that I had no future in a society without this freedom. . . . I concluded that I had always been latently hostile to the Communists and now my hostility could come out.
As might be expected, George went through a period of painful doubt and indecision, "a conflict of the two understandings. " He also feared that the Communists might take over Hong Kong and force him to "face the consequences of my desertion. " And even after making a formal promise to his parents that he would re- main, he was unable to quiet the turmoil which emanated from his unconscious mind as a series of dreams:
In those ten days right after I had decided to remain here, I often--six or seven times---dreamed of getting back to the mainland. In the dreams, I was living with my classmates and talking with them as things used to be.
