No More Learning

_ I believe it is near the time Loveless said he would
be at home. He talked of accepting Lord Foppington's invitation
to sup at Sir Tunbelly Clumsy's.
_Col. Town. _ His lordship has done me the honour to invite
me also. If you'll let me escort you, I'll let you into a mystery
as we go, in which you must play a part when we arrive.
_Aman. _ But we have two hours yet to spare; the carriages
are not ordered till eight, and it is not a five minutes' drive.
So, cousin, let us keep the colonel to play at piquet with us,
till Mr. Loveless comes home.
_Ber. _ As you please, madam; but you know I have a letter to
write.
_Col. Town. _ Madam, you know you may command me, though I am
a very wretched gamester.
_Aman. _ Oh, you play well enough to lose your money, and
that's all the ladies require; and so, without any more ceremony,
let us go into the next room, and call for cards and candles.
[_Exeunt. _]

SCENE III. --BERINTHIA'S _Dressing-room. _
_Enter_ LOVELESS.
_Love. _ So, thus far all's well: I have got into her
dressing-room, and it being dusk, I think nobody has perceived me
steal into the house. I heard Berinthia tell my wife she had some
particular letters to write this evening, before she went to Sir
Tunbelly's, and here are the implements of correspondence. --How
shall I muster up assurance to show myself, when she comes? I
think she has given me encouragement; and, to do my impudence
justice, I have made the most of it. --I hear a door open, and
some one coming. If it should be my wife, what the devil should I
say? I believe she mistrusts me, and, by my life, I don't deserve
her tenderness. However, I am determined to reform, though not
yet. Ha! Berinthia! --So, I'll step in here, till I see what sort
of humour she is in. [_Goes into the closet_. ]
_Enter_ BERINTHIA.
_Ber_. Was ever so provoking a situation! To think I should
sit and hear him compliment Amanda to my face! I have lost all
patience with them both! I would not for something have Loveless
know what temper of mind they have piqued me into; yet I can't
bear to leave them together. No, I'll put my papers away, and
return, to disappoint them. --[_Goes to the closet_. ]--O
Lord! a ghost! a ghost! a ghost!
_Re-enter_ LOVELESS.
_Love_. Peace, my angel; it's no ghost, but one worth a
hundred spirits.
_Ber_. How, sir, have you had the insolence to presume to--
run in again; here's somebody coming. [LOVELESS _goes into the
closet_. ]
_Enter_ MAID.
_Maid_. O Lord, ma'am, what's the matter?
_Ber_. O Heavens! I'm almost frightened out of my wits! I
thought verily I had seen a ghost, and 'twas nothing but a black
hood pinned against the wall. You may go again; I am the
fearfullest fool! [Exit MAID. ]
_Re-enter_ LOVELESS.
_Love_. Is the coast clear?
_Ber_. The coast clear! Upon my word, I wonder at your
assurance.
_Love_. Why, then, you wonder before I have given you a
proof of it. But where's my wife?
_Ber_. At cards.
_Love_. With whom?
_Ber_. With Townly.
_Love_. Then we are safe enough.
_Ber_. You are so! Some husbands would be of another mind,
were he at cards with their wives.
_Love_. And they'd be in the right on't, too; but I dare
trust mine.
_Ber_. Indeed! and she, I doubt not, has the same confidence
in you. Yet, do you think she'd be content to come and find you
here?
_Love_. Egad, as you say, that's true! --Then for fear she
should come, hadn't we better go into the next room, out of her
way?
_Ber_. What, in the dark?
_Love_. Ay, or with a light, which you please.
_Ber_. You are certainly very impudent.
_Love_. Nay, then--let me conduct you, my angel!
_Ber_. Hold, hold! you are mistaken in your angel, I assure
you.
_Love_. I hope not; for by this hand I swear--
_Ber_. Come, come, let go my hand, or I shall hate you! --
I'll cry out, as I live!
_Love_. Impossible! you cannot be so cruel.
_Ber_. Ha! here's some one coming. Begone instantly.
_Love_. Will you promise to return, if I remain here?
_Ber_. Never trust myself in a room again with you while I
live.
_Love_. But I have something particular to communicate to
you.
_Ber_. Well, well, before we go to Sir Tunbelly's, I'll walk
upon the lawn. If you are fond of a moonlight evening, you'll
find me there.
_Love_. I'faith, they're coming here now! I take you at your
word. [_Exit into the closet_. ]
_Ber_. 'Tis Amanda, as I live! I hope she has not heard his
voice; though I mean she should have her share of jealousy in her
turn.
_Enter_ AMANDA.
_Aman_. Berinthia, why did you leave me?
_Ber_. I thought I only spoiled your party.
_Aman_. Since you have been gone, Townly has attempted
to renew his importunities. I must break with him, for I cannot
venture to acquaint Mr. Loveless with his conduct.
_Ber_. Oh, no! Mr. Loveless mustn't know of it by any means.
_Aman_. Oh, not for the world--I wish, Berinthia, you would
undertake to speak to Townly on the subject.
_Ber_. Upon my word, it would be a very pleasant subject for
me to talk upon! But, come, let us go back; and you may depend
on't I'll not leave you together again, if I can help it.
[_Exeunt_. ]
_Re-enter_ LOVELESS.
_Love_. So--so! a pretty piece of business I have overheard!
Townly makes love to my wife, and I am not to know it for all the
world. I must inquire into this--and, by Heaven, if I find that
Amanda has, in the smallest degree--yet what have I been at
here! --Oh, 'sdeath! that's no rule.

That wife alone unsullied credit wins,
Whose virtues can atone her husband's sins,
Thus, while the man has other nymphs in view,
It suits the woman to be doubly true.
[_Exit_. ]




ACT V.

SCENE I. --_The Garden behind_ LOVELESS's _Lodgings_.
_Enter_ LOVELESS.
_Love_. Now, does she mean to make a fool of me, or not! I
shan't wait much longer, for my wife will soon be inquiring for
me to set out on our supping party. Suspense is at all times the
devil, but of all modes of suspense, the watching for a loitering
mistress is the worst. --But let me accuse her no longer; she
approaches with one smile to o'erpay the anxieties of a year.
_Enter_ BERINTHIA.
O Berinthia, what a world of kindness are you in my debt! had you
stayed five minutes longer--
_Ber_. You would have gone, I suppose?
_Love_. Egad, she's right enough. [_Aside. ]
Ber_. And I assure you 'twas ten to one that I came at all. In
short, I begin to think you are too dangerous a being to trifle
with; and as I shall probably only make a fool of you at last, I
believe we had better let matters rest as they are.
_Love_. You cannot mean it, sure?
_Ber_. What more would you have me give to a married man?
_Love_. How doubly cruel to remind me of my misfortunes!
_Ber_. A misfortune to be married to so charming a woman as
Amanda?
_Love_. I grant her all her merit, but--'sdeath! now see
what you have done by talking of her--she's here, by all that's
unlucky, and Townly with her. --I'll observe them.
_Ber_. O Gad, we had better get out of the way; for I should
feel as awkward to meet her as you.
_Love_. Ay, if I mistake not, I see Townly coming this way
also. I must see a little into this matter. [_Steps aside_. ]
_Ber_. Oh, if that's your intention, I am no woman if I
suffer myself to be outdone in curiosity. [_Goes on the other
side_. ]
_Enter_ AMANDA.
_Aman_. Mr.
Loveless come home, and walking on the lawn! I
will not suffer him to walk so late, though perhaps it is to show
his neglect of me. --Mr. Loveless, I must speak with you. --Ha!
Townly again! --How I am persecuted!
_Enter_ COLONEL TOWNLY.
_Col. Town_. Madam, you seem disturbed.
_Aman_. Sir, I have reason.
_Col. Town_. Whatever be the cause, I would to Heaven it
were in my power to bear the pain, or to remove the malady.
_Aman_. Your interference can only add to my distress.
_Col. Town_. Ah, madam, if it be the sting of unrequited
love you suffer from, seek for your remedy in revenge: weigh well
the strength and beauty of your charms, and rouse up that spirit
a woman ought to bear. Disdain the false embraces of a husband.
See at your feet a real lover; his zeal may give him title to
your pity, although his merit cannot claim your love.
_Love_. So, so, very fine, i'faith! [_Aside_. ]
_Aman_. Why do you presume to talk to me thus? Is this your
friendship to Mr. Loveless? I perceive you will compel me at last
to acquaint him with your treachery.
_Col. Town_. He could not upbraid me if you were. --He
deserves it from me; for he has not been more false to you than
faithless to me.
_Aman_. To you?
_Col. Town_. Yes, madam; the lady for whom he now deserts
those charms which he was never worthy of, was mine by right;
and, I imagine too, by inclination. Yes, madam, Berinthia, who
now--
_Aman_. Berinthia! Impossible!
_Col. Town_. 'Tis true, or may I never merit your attention.
She is the deceitful sorceress who now holds your husband's heart
in bondage.
_Aman_. I will not believe it.
_Col. Town_. By the faith of a true lover, I speak from
conviction. This very day I saw them together, and overheard--
_Aman_. Peace, sir! I will not even listen to such slander--
this is a poor device to work on my resentment, to listen to your
insidious addresses. No, sir; though Mr. Loveless may be capable
of error, I am convinced I cannot be deceived so grossly in him
as to believe what you now report; and for Berinthia, you should
have fixed on some more probable person for my rival than her who
is my relation and my friend: for while I am myself free from
guilt, I will never believe that love can beget injury, or
confidence create ingratitude.
_Col. Town_. If I do not prove to you--
_Aman. _ You never shall have an opportunity. From the artful
manner in which you first showed yourself to me, I might have
been led, as far as virtue permitted, to have thought you less
criminal than unhappy; but this last unmanly artifice merits at
once my resentment and contempt. [_Exit_. ]
_Col. Town_. Sure there's divinity about her; and she has
dispensed some portion of honour's light to me: yet can I bear to
lose Berinthia without revenge or compensation? Perhaps she is
not so culpable as I thought her. I was mistaken when I began to
think lightly of Amanda's virtue, and may be in my censure of my
Berinthia. Surely I love her still, for I feel I should be happy
to find myself in the wrong. [_Exit_. ]
_Re-enter_ LOVELESS _and_ BERINTHIA.
_Ber_. Your servant, Mr. Loveless.
_Love_. Your servant, madam.
_Ber_. Pray what do you think of this?
_Love_. Truly, I don't know what to say.
_Ber_. Don't you think we steal forth two contemptible
creatures?
_Love_. Why, tolerably so, I must confess.
_Ber_. And do you conceive it possible for you ever to give
Amanda the least uneasiness again?
_Love_. No, I think we never should indeed.
_Ber_. We! why, monster, you don't pretend that I ever
entertained a thought?
_Love_. Why then, sincerely and honestly, Berinthia, there
is something in my wife's conduct which strikes me so forcibly,
that if it were not for shame, and the fear of hurting you in her
opinion, I swear I would follow her, confess my error, and trust
to her generosity for forgiveness.
_Ber_. Nay, pr'ythee, don't let your respect for me prevent
you; for as my object in trifling with you was nothing more than
to pique Townly, and as I perceive he has been actuated by a
similar motive, you may depend on't I shall make no mystery of
the matter to him.
_Love_. By no means inform him: for though I may choose to
pass by his conduct without resentment, how will he presume to
look me in the face again?
_Ber_. How will you presume to look him in the face again?
_Love_. He, who has dared to attempt the honour of my wife!
_Ber_. You who have dared to attempt the honour of his
mistress! Come, come, be ruled by me, who affect more levity than
I have, and don't think of anger in this cause. A readiness to
resent injuries is a virtue only in those who are slow to injure.
_Love_. Then I will be ruled by you; and when you think
proper to undeceive Townly, may your good qualities make as
sincere a convert of him as Amanda's have of me. -When truth's
extorted from us, then we own the robe of virtue is a sacred
habit.

Could women but our secret counsel scan--
Could they but reach the deep reserve of man--
To keep our love they'd rate their virtue high,
They live together, and together die.

[_Exeunt_. ]

SCENE II. --_A Room in_ SIR TUNBELLY CLUMSY'S _House.
Enter_ MISS HOYDEN, NURSE, _and_ TOM FASHION.
_Fash_. This quick despatch of the chaplain's I take so
kindly it shall give him claim to my favour as long as I live, I
assure you.
_Miss Hoyd_. And to mine too, I promise you.
_Nurse_. I most humbly thank your honours; and may your
children swarm about you like bees about a honeycomb!
_Miss Hoyd_. Ecod, with all my heart--the more the merrier,
I say--ha, nurse?
_Enter_ LORY.
_Lory_. One word with you, for Heaven's sake. [_Taking_
TOM FASHION _hastily aside_. ]
_Fash_. What the devil's the matter?
_Lory_. Sir, your fortune's ruined if you are not married.
Yonder's your brother arrived, with two coaches and six horses,
twenty footmen, and a coat worth fourscore pounds--so judge what
will become of your lady's heart.
_Fash_. Is he in the house yet?
_Lory_. No, they are capitulating with him at the gate. Sir
Tunbelly luckily takes him for an impostor; and I have told him
that we have heard of this plot before.
_Fash_. That's right. --[_Turning to_ MISS HOYDEN. ] My
dear, here's a troublesome business my man tells me of, but don't
be frightened; we shall be too hard for the rogue. Here's an
impudent fellow at the gate (not knowing I was come hither
incognito) has taken my name upon him, in hopes to run away with
you.
_Miss Hoyd_. Oh, the brazen-faced varlet! it's well we are
married, or maybe we might never have been so.
_Fash. [Aside_. ] Egad, like enough. --[_Aloud_. ]
Pr'ythee, nurse, run to Sir Tunbelly, and stop him from going to
the gate before I speak to him.
_Nurse_. An't please your honour, my lady and I had
better, lock ourselves up till the danger be over.
_Fash_. Do so, if you please.
_Miss Hoyd_. Not so fast; I won't be locked up any more, now
I'm married.
_Fash_. Yes, pray, my dear, do, till we have seized this
rascal.
_Miss Hoyd_. Nay, if you'll pray me, I'll do anything.
[_Exit with_ NURSE. ]
_Fash_. Hark you, sirrah, things are better than you
imagine. The wedding's over.
_Lory_. The devil it is, sir! [_Capers about_. ]
_Fash_. Not a word--all's safe--but Sir Tunbelly don't know
it, nor must not yet. So I am resolved to brazen the brunt of the
business out, and have the pleasure of turning the impostor upon
his lordship, which I believe may easily be done.
_Enter_ SIR TUNBELLY CLUMSY.
Did you ever hear, sir, of so impudent an undertaking?
_Sir Tun_. Never, by the mass; but we'll tickle him, I'll
warrant you.
_Fash_. They tell me, sir, he has a great many people with
him, disguised like servants.
_Sir Tun_. Ay, ay, rogues enow, but we have mastered them.
We only fired a few shot over their heads, and the regiment
scoured in an instant. --Here, Tummus, bring in your prisoner.
_Fash_. If you please, Sir Tunbelly, it will be best for me
not to confront this fellow yet, till you have heard how far his
impudence will carry him.
_Sir Tun_. Egad, your lordship is an ingenious person. Your
lordship, then, will please to step aside.
_Lory_. [_Aside_. ] 'Fore heavens, I applaud my master's
modesty! [_Exit with_ TOM FASHION. ]
_Enter_ SERVANTS, _with_ LORD FOPPINGTON
_disarmed_.
_Sir Tun_. Come, bring him along, bring him along.
_Lord Fop_. What the plague do you mean, gentlemen? is it
fair time, that you are all drunk before supper?
_Sir Tun_. Drunk, sirrah! here's an impudent rogue for you
now. Drunk or sober, bully, I'm a justice o' the peace, and know
how to deal with strollers.
_Lord Fop_. Strollers!
_Sir Tun_. Ay, strollers.