] You're sure the little
Milliner
won't blab?
Richard Brinsley Sheridan
LADY TEAZLE. But isn't [it] provoking to hear the most ill-natured
Things said to one and there's my friend Lady Sneerwell has circulated
I don't know how many scandalous tales of me, and all without any
foundation, too; that's what vexes me.
SURFACE. Aye Madam to be sure that is the Provoking
circumstance--without Foundation--yes yes--there's the mortification
indeed--for when a slanderous story is believed against one--there
certainly is no comfort like the consciousness of having deserved it----
LADY TEAZLE. No to be sure--then I'd forgive their malice--but to attack
me, who am really so innocent--and who never say an ill-natured thing of
anybody--that is, of any Friend--! and then Sir Peter too--to have
him so peevish--and so suspicious--when I know the integrity of my own
Heart--indeed 'tis monstrous.
SURFACE. But my dear Lady Teazle 'tis your own fault if you suffer
it--when a Husband entertains a groundless suspicion of his Wife and
withdraws his confidence from her--the original compact is broke and she
owes it to the Honour of her sex to endeavour to outwit him--
LADY TEAZLE. Indeed--So that if He suspects me without cause it follows
that the best way of curing his jealousy is to give him reason for't--
SURFACE. Undoubtedly--for your Husband [should] never be deceived in
you--and in that case it becomes you to be frail in compliment to his
discernment--
LADY TEAZLE. To be sure what you say is very reasonable--and when the
consciousness of my own Innocence----
SURFACE. Ah: my dear--Madam there is the great mistake--'tis this very
conscious Innocence that is of the greatest Prejudice to you--what is
it makes you negligent of Forms and careless of the world's opinion--why
the consciousness of your Innocence--what makes you thoughtless in
your Conduct and apt to run into a thousand little imprudences--why the
consciousness of your Innocence--what makes you impatient of Sir Peter's
temper, and outrageous at his suspicions--why the consciousness of your
own Innocence--
LADY TEAZLE. 'Tis very true.
SURFACE. Now my dear Lady Teazle if you but once make a trifling Faux
Pas you can't conceive how cautious you would grow, and how ready to
humour and agree with your Husband.
LADY TEAZLE. Do you think so--
SURFACE. O I'm sure on't; and then you'd find all scandal would cease
at once--for in short your Character at Present is like a Person in a
Plethora, absolutely dying of too much Health--
LADY TEAZLE. So--so--then I perceive your Prescription is that I
must sin in my own Defence--and part with my virtue to preserve my
Reputation. --
SURFACE. Exactly so upon my credit Ma'am[. ]
LADY TEAZLE. Well certainly this is the oddest Doctrine--and the newest
Receipt for avoiding calumny.
SURFACE. An infallible one believe me--Prudence like experience must be
paid for--
LADY TEAZLE. Why if my understanding were once convinced----
SURFACE. Oh, certainly Madam, your understanding SHOULD be
convinced--yes--yes--Heaven forbid I should persuade you to do anything
you THOUGHT wrong--no--no--I have too much honor to desire it--
LADY TEAZLE. Don't--you think we may as well leave Honor out of the
Argument? [Rises. ]
SURFACE. Ah--the ill effects of your country education I see still
remain with you.
LADY TEAZLE. I doubt they do indeed--and I will fairly own to you,
that If I could be persuaded to do wrong it would be by Sir Peter's
ill-usage--sooner than your honourable Logic, after all.
SURFACE. Then by this Hand, which He is unworthy of----
Enter SERVANT
Sdeath, you Blockhead--what do you want?
SERVANT. I beg your Pardon Sir, but I thought you wouldn't chuse Sir
Peter to come up without announcing him?
SURFACE. Sir Peter--Oons--the Devil!
LADY TEAZLE. Sir Peter! O Lud! I'm ruined! I'm ruin'd!
SERVANT. Sir, 'twasn't I let him in.
LADY TEAZLE. O I'm undone--what will become of me now Mr. Logick. --Oh!
mercy, He's on the Stairs--I'll get behind here--and if ever I'm so
imprudent again----
[Goes behind the screen--]
SURFACE. Give me that--Book! ----
[Sits down--SERVANT pretends to adjust his Hair--]
Enter SIR PETER
SIR PETER. Aye--ever improving himself! --Mr. Surface--
SURFACE. Oh! my dear Sir Peter--I beg your Pardon--[Gaping and throws
away the Book. ] I have been dosing [dozing] over a stupid Book! well--I
am much obliged to you for this Call--You haven't been here I believe
since I fitted up this Room--Books you know are the only Things I am a
Coxcomb in--
SIR PETER. 'Tis very neat indeed--well well that's proper--and you make
even your Screen a source of knowledge--hung I perceive with Maps--
SURFACE. O yes--I find great use in that Screen.
SIR PETER. I dare say you must--certainly--when you want to find out
anything in a Hurry.
SURFACE. Aye or to hide anything in a Hurry either--
SIR PETER. Well I have a little private Business--if we were alone--
SURFACE. You needn't stay.
SERVANT. No--Sir----
[Exit SERVANT. ]
SURFACE. Here's a Chair--Sir Peter--I beg----
SIR PETER. Well--now we are alone--there IS a subject--my dear
Friend--on which I wish to unburthen my Mind to you--a Point of the
greatest moment to my Peace--in short, my good Friend--Lady Teazle's
conduct of late has made me very unhappy.
SURFACE. Indeed I'm very sorry to hear it--
SIR PETER. Yes 'tis but too plain she has not the least regard for
me--but what's worse, I have pretty good Authority to suspect that she
must have formed an attachment to another.
SURFACE. Indeed! you astonish me.
SIR PETER. Yes--and between ourselves--I think I have discover'd the
Person.
SURFACE. How--you alarm me exceedingly!
SIR PETER. Ah: my dear Friend I knew you would sympathize with me. --
SURFACE. Yes--believe me Sir Peter--such a discovery would hurt me just
as much as it would you--
SIR PETER. I am convinced of it--ah--it is a happiness to have a Friend
whom one can trust even with one's Family secrets--but have you no guess
who I mean?
SURFACE. I haven't the most distant Idea--it can't be Sir Benjamin
Backbite.
SIR PETER. O--No. What say you to Charles?
SURFACE. My Brother--impossible! --O no Sir Peter you mustn't credit the
scandalous insinuations you hear--no no--Charles to be sure has been
charged with many things but go I can never think He would meditate so
gross an injury--
SIR PETER. Ah! my dear Friend--the goodness of your own Heart misleads
you--you judge of others by yourself.
SURFACE. Certainly Sir Peter--the Heart that is conscious of its own
integrity is ever slowest to credit another's Treachery. --
SIR PETER. True--but your Brother has no sentiment[--]you never hear him
talk so. --
SURFACE. Well there certainly is no knowing what men are capable
of--no--there is no knowing--yet I can't but think Lady Teazle herself
has too much Principle----
SIR PETER. Aye but what's Principle against the Flattery of a
handsome--lively young Fellow--
SURFACE. That's very true--
SIR PETER. And then you know the difference of our ages makes it very
improbable that she should have any great affection for me--and if she
were to be frail and I were to make it Public--why the Town would only
laugh at the foolish old Batchelor, who had married a girl----
SURFACE. That's true--to be sure People would laugh.
SIR PETER. Laugh--aye and make Ballads--and Paragraphs and the Devil
knows what of me--
SURFACE. No--you must never make it public--
SIR PETER. But then again that the Nephew of my old Friend, Sir
Oliver[,] should be the Person to attempt such an injury--hurts me more
nearly--
SURFACE. Undoubtedly--when Ingratitude barbs the Dart of Injury--the
wound has double danger in it--
SIR PETER. Aye--I that was in a manner left his Guardian--in his House
he had been so often entertain'd--who never in my Life denied him my
advice--
SURFACE. O 'tis not to be credited--There may be a man capable of such
Baseness, to be sure--but for my Part till you can give me positive
Proofs you must excuse me withholding my Belief. However, if this should
be proved on him He is no longer a brother of mine I disclaim kindred
with him--for the man who can break thro' the Laws of Hospitality--and
attempt the wife of his Friend deserves to be branded as the Pest of
Society.
SIR PETER. What a difference there is between you--what noble
sentiments! --
SURFACE. But I cannot suspect Lady Teazle's honor.
SIR PETER. I'm sure I wish to think well of her--and to remove all
ground of Quarrel between us--She has lately reproach'd me more than
once with having made no settlement on her--and, in our last Quarrel,
she almost hinted that she should not break her Heart if I was
dead. --now as we seem to differ in our Ideas of Expense I have resolved
she shall be her own Mistress in that Respect for the future--and if
I were to die--she shall find that I have not been inattentive to her
Interests while living--Here my Friend are the Draughts of two Deeds
which I wish to have your opinion on--by one she will enjoy eight
hundred a year independent while I live--and by the other the bulk of my
Fortune after my Death.
SURFACE. This conduct Sir Peter is indeed truly Generous! I wish it may
not corrupt my pupil. --[Aside. ]
SIR PETER. Yes I am determined she shall have no cause to complain--tho'
I would not have her acquainted with the latter instance of my affection
yet awhile.
SURFACE. Nor I--if I could help it.
SIR PETER. And now my dear Friend if you please we will talk over the
situation of your Hopes with Maria.
SURFACE. No--no--Sir Peter--another Time if you Please--[softly].
SIR PETER. I am sensibly chagrined at the little Progress you seem to
make in her affection.
SURFACE. I beg you will not mention it--What are my Disappointments when
your Happiness is in Debate [softly]. 'Sdeath I shall be ruined every
way.
SIR PETER. And tho' you are so averse to my acquainting Lady Teazle with
YOUR passion, I am sure she's not your Enemy in the Affair.
SURFACE. Pray Sir Peter, now oblige me. --I am really too much affected
by the subject we have been speaking of to bestow a thought on my own
concerns--The Man who is entrusted with his Friend's Distresses can
never----
Enter SERVANT
Well, Sir?
SERVANT. Your Brother Sir, is--speaking to a Gentleman in the Street,
and says He knows you're within.
SURFACE. 'Sdeath, Blockhead--I'm NOT within--I'm out for the Day.
SIR PETER. Stay--hold--a thought has struck me--you shall be at home.
SURFACE. Well--well--let him up. --
[Exit SERVANT. ]
He'll interrupt Sir Peter, however. [Aside. ]
SIR PETER. Now, my good Friend--oblige me I Intreat you--before Charles
comes--let me conceal myself somewhere--Then do you tax him on the Point
we have been talking on--and his answers may satisfy me at once. --
SURFACE. O Fie--Sir Peter--would you have ME join in so mean a Trick? to
trepan my Brother too?
SIR PETER. Nay you tell me you are SURE He is innocent--if so you do
him the greatest service in giving him an opportunity to clear
himself--and--you will set my Heart at rest--come you shall not refuse
me--here behind this Screen will be--hey! what the Devil--there seems to
be one listener here already--I'll swear I saw a Petticoat. --
SURFACE. Ha! ha! ha! Well this is ridiculous enough--I'll tell you,
Sir Peter--tho' I hold a man of Intrigue to be a most despicable
Character--yet you know it doesn't follow that a man is to be an
absolute Joseph either--hark'ee--'tis a little French Milliner--a silly
Rogue that plagues me--and having some character, on your coming she ran
behind the Screen. --
SIR PETER. Ah a Rogue--but 'egad she has overheard all I have been
saying of my Wife.
SURFACE. O 'twill never go any farther, you may depend on't.
SIR PETER. No! --then efaith let her hear it out. --Here's a Closet will
do as well. --
SURFACE. Well, go in there. --
SIR PETER. Sly rogue--sly Rogue. --
SURFACE. Gad's my Life what an Escape--! and a curious situation I'm
in! --to part man and wife in this manner. --
LADY TEAZLE. [peeps out. ] Couldn't I steal off--
SURFACE. Keep close, my Angel!
SIR PETER. [Peeping out. ] Joseph--tax him home.
SURFACE. Back--my dear Friend
LADY TEAZLE. [Peeping out. ] Couldn't you lock Sir Peter in? --
SURFACE. Be still--my Life!
SIR PETER. [Peeping.
] You're sure the little Milliner won't blab?
SURFACE. In! in! my good Sir Peter--'Fore Gad, I wish I had a key to the
Door.
Enter CHARLES
CHARLES. Hollo! Brother--what has been the matter? your Fellow wouldn't
let me up at first--What[? ] have you had a Jew or a wench with you. --
SURFACE. Neither Brother I assure you.
CHARLES. But--what has made Sir Peter steal off--I thought He had been
with you--
SURFACE. He WAS Brother--but hearing you were coming He didn't chuse to
stay--
CHARLES. What[! ] was the old Gentleman afraid I wanted to borrow money
of him?
SURFACE. No Sir--but I am sorry to find[,] Charles--you have lately
given that worthy man grounds for great Uneasiness.
CHARLES. Yes they tell me I do that to a great many worthy men--but how
so Pray?
SURFACE. To be plain with you Brother He thinks you are endeavouring to
gain Lady Teazle's Affections from him.
CHARLES. Who I--O Lud! not I upon my word. --Ha! ha! ha! so the old
Fellow has found out that He has got a young wife has He? or what's
worse she has discover'd that she has an old Husband?
SURFACE. This is no subject to jest on Brother--He who can laugh----
CHARLES. True true as you were going to say--then seriously I never had
the least idea of what you charge me with, upon my honour.
SURFACE. Well it will give Sir Peter great satisfaction to hear this.
CHARLES. [Aloud. ] To be sure, I once thought the lady seemed to
have taken a fancy--but upon my soul I never gave her the least
encouragement. --Beside you know my Attachment to Maria--
SURFACE. But sure Brother even if Lady Teazle had betray'd the fondest
Partiality for you----
CHARLES. Why--look'ee Joseph--I hope I shall never deliberately do
a dishonourable Action--but if a pretty woman was purposely to throw
herself in my way--and that pretty woman married to a man old enough to
be her Father----
SURFACE. Well?
CHARLES. Why I believe I should be obliged to borrow a little of your
Morality, that's all. --but, Brother do you know now that you surprize me
exceedingly by naming me with Lady Teazle--for faith I always understood
YOU were her Favourite--
SURFACE. O for shame--Charles--This retort is Foolish.
CHARLES. Nay I swear I have seen you exchange such significant
Glances----
SURFACE. Nay--nay--Sir--this is no jest--
CHARLES. Egad--I'm serious--Don't you remember--one Day, when I called
here----
SURFACE. Nay--prithee--Charles
CHARLES. And found you together----
SURFACE. Zounds, Sir--I insist----
CHARLES. And another time when your Servant----
SURFACE. Brother--brother a word with you--Gad I must stop him--[Aside. ]
CHARLES. Informed--me that----
SURFACE. Hush! --I beg your Pardon but Sir Peter has overheard all we
have been saying--I knew you would clear yourself, or I shouldn't have
consented--
CHARLES. How Sir Peter--Where is He--
SURFACE. Softly, there! [Points to the closet. ]
CHARLES. [In the Closet! ] O 'fore Heaven I'll have him out--Sir Peter
come forth!
SURFACE. No--no----
CHARLES. I say Sir Peter--come into court. --
[Pulls in SIR PETER. ]
What--my old Guardian--what[! ] turn inquisitor and take evidence
incog. --
SIR PETER. Give me your hand--Charles--I believe I have suspected you
wrongfully; but you mustn't be angry with Joseph--'twas my Plan--
CHARLES. Indeed! --
SIR PETER. But I acquit you--I promise you I don't think near so ill of
you as I did--what I have heard has given me great satisfaction.
CHARLES. Egad then 'twas lucky you didn't hear any more. Wasn't it
Joseph?
SIR PETER. Ah! you would have retorted on him.
CHARLES. Aye--aye--that was a Joke.
SIR PETER. Yes, yes, I know his honor too well.
CHARLES. Yet you might as well have suspected him as me in this matter,
for all that--mightn't He, Joseph?
SIR PETER. Well well I believe you--
SURFACE. Would they were both out of the Room!
Enter SERVANT, whispers SURFACE
SIR PETER. And in future perhaps we may not be such Strangers.
SURFACE. Gentlemen--I beg Pardon--I must wait on you downstairs--Here is
a Person come on particular Business----
CHARLES. Well you can see him in another Room--Sir Peter and I haven't
met a long time and I have something to say [to] him.
SURFACE. They must not be left together. --I'll send this man away and
return directly--
[SURFACE goes out. ]
SIR PETER. Ah--Charles if you associated more with your Brother, one
might indeed hope for your reformation--He is a man of Sentiment--Well!
there is nothing in the world so noble as a man of Sentiment!
CHARLES. Pshaw! He is too moral by half--and so apprehensive of his good
Name, as he calls it, that I suppose He would as soon let a Priest in
his House as a Girl--
SIR PETER. No--no--come come,--you wrong him. No, no, Joseph is no Rake
but he is no such Saint in that respect either. I have a great mind to
tell him--we should have such a Laugh!
CHARLES. Oh, hang him? He's a very Anchorite--a young Hermit!
SIR PETER. Harkee--you must not abuse him, he may chance to hear of it
again I promise you.
CHARLES. Why you won't tell him?
SIR PETER. No--but--this way. Egad, I'll tell him--Harkee, have you a
mind to have a good laugh against Joseph?
CHARLES. I should like it of all things--
SIR PETER. Then, E'faith, we will--I'll be quit with him for discovering
me. --He had a girl with him when I called. [Whispers. ]
CHARLES. What[! ] Joseph[! ] you jest--
SIR PETER. Hush! --a little French Milliner--and the best of the jest
is--she's in the room now.
CHARLES. The devil she is--
SIR PETER. Hush! I tell you. [Points. ]
CHARLES. Behind the screen! Odds Life, let's unveil her!
SIR PETER. No--no! He's coming--you shan't indeed!
CHARLES. Oh, egad, we'll have a peep at the little milliner!
SIR PETER. Not for the world--Joseph will never forgive me.
CHARLES. I'll stand by you----
SIR PETER. Odds Life! Here He's coming--
[SURFACE enters just as CHARLES throws down the Screen. ]
Re-enter JOSEPH SURFACE
CHARLES. Lady Teazle! by all that's wonderful!
SIR PETER. Lady Teazle! by all that's Horrible!
CHARLES. Sir Peter--This is one of the smartest French Milliners I ever
saw! --Egad, you seem all to have been diverting yourselves here at Hide
and Seek--and I don't see who is out of the Secret! --Shall I beg your
Ladyship to inform me! --Not a word! --Brother! --will you please to
explain this matter? What! is Honesty Dumb too? --Sir Peter, though I
found you in the Dark--perhaps you are not so now--all mute! Well tho'
I can make nothing of the Affair, I make no doubt but you perfectly
understand one another--so I'll leave you to yourselves. --[Going. ]
Brother I'm sorry to find you have given that worthy man grounds for so
much uneasiness! --Sir Peter--there's nothing in the world so noble as a
man of Sentiment! --
[Stand for some time looking at one another. Exit CHARLES. ]
SURFACE. Sir Peter--notwithstanding I confess that appearances are
against me. If you will afford me your Patience I make no doubt but I
shall explain everything to your satisfaction. --
SIR PETER. If you please--Sir--
SURFACE. The Fact is Sir--that Lady Teazle knowing my Pretensions
to your ward Maria--I say Sir Lady Teazle--being apprehensive of the
Jealousy of your Temper--and knowing my Friendship to the Family. S
he Sir--I say call'd here--in order that I might explain those
Pretensions--but on your coming being apprehensive--as I said of your
Jealousy--she withdrew--and this, you may depend on't is the whole truth
of the Matter.
SIR PETER. A very clear account upon the [my] word and I dare swear the
Lady will vouch for every article of it.
LADY TEAZLE. For not one word of it Sir Peter--
SIR PETER. How[! ] don't you think it worthwhile to agree in the lie.
LADY TEAZLE. There is not one Syllable of Truth in what that Gentleman
has told you.
SIR PETER. I believe you upon my soul Ma'am--
SURFACE. 'Sdeath, madam, will you betray me! [Aside. ]
LADY TEAZLE. Good Mr. Hypocrite by your leave I will speak for myself--
SIR PETER. Aye let her alone Sir--you'll find she'll make out a better
story than you without Prompting.
LADY TEAZLE. Hear me Sir Peter--I came hither on no matter relating to
your ward and even ignorant of this Gentleman's pretensions to her--but
I came--seduced by his insidious arguments--and pretended Passion[--]at
least to listen to his dishonourable Love if not to sacrifice your
Honour to his Baseness.
SIR PETER. Now, I believe, the Truth is coming indeed[. ]
SURFACE. The Woman's mad--
LADY TEAZLE. No Sir--she has recovered her Senses.
