No More Learning

SIR OLIVER. However it is very convenient to the carrying on of my Plot
that you all live so near one another!

[Exit SIR OLIVER. ]

ROWLEY. We'll follow--

SIR PETER. She is not coming here you see, Rowley--

ROWLEY. No but she has left the Door of that Room open you
perceive. --see she is in Tears--!

SIR PETER. She seems indeed to wish I should go to her. --how dejected
she appears--

ROWLEY. And will you refrain from comforting her--

SIR PETER. Certainly a little mortification appears very becoming in a
wife--don't you think it will do her good to let her Pine a little.

ROWLEY. O this is ungenerous in you--

SIR PETER. Well I know not what to think--you remember Rowley the Letter
I found of her's--evidently intended for Charles?

ROWLEY. A mere forgery, Sir Peter--laid in your way on Purpose--this is
one of the Points which I intend Snake shall give you conviction on--

SIR PETER. I wish I were once satisfied of that--She looks this
way----what a remarkably elegant Turn of the Head she has! Rowley I'll
go to her--

ROWLEY. Certainly--

SIR PETER. Tho' when it is known that we are reconciled, People will
laugh at me ten times more!

ROWLEY. Let--them laugh--and retort their malice only by showing them
you are happy in spite of it.

SIR PETER. Efaith so I will--and, if I'm not mistaken we may yet be the
happiest couple in the country--

ROWLEY. Nay Sir Peter--He who once lays aside suspicion----

SIR PETER. Hold Master Rowley--if you have any Regard for me--never let
me hear you utter anything like a Sentiment. I have had enough of THEM
to serve me the rest of my Life.

[Exeunt. ]




SCENE THE LAST. --The Library

SURFACE and LADY SNEERWELL

LADY SNEERWELL. Impossible! will not Sir Peter immediately be reconciled
to CHARLES? and of consequence no longer oppose his union with MARIA?
the thought is Distraction to me!

SURFACE. Can Passion--furnish a Remedy?

LADY SNEERWELL. No--nor cunning either. O I was a Fool, an Ideot--to
league with such a Blunderer!

SURFACE. Surely Lady Sneerwell I am the greatest Sufferer--yet you see I
bear the accident with Calmness.

LADY SNEERWELL. Because the Disappointment hasn't reached your
HEART--your interest only attached you to Maria--had you felt for
her--what I have for that ungrateful Libertine--neither your Temper nor
Hypocrisy could prevent your showing the sharpness of your Vexation.

SURFACE. But why should your Reproaches fall on me for this
Disappointment?

LADY SNEERWELL. Are not you the cause of it? what had you to bate in
your Pursuit of Maria to pervert Lady Teazle by the way. --had you not a
sufficient field for your Roguery in blinding Sir Peter and supplanting
your Brother--I hate such an avarice of crimes--'tis an unfair monopoly
and never prospers.

SURFACE. Well I admit I have been to blame--I confess I deviated from
the direct Road of wrong but I don't think we're so totally defeated
neither.

LADY SNEERWELL. No!

SURFACE. You tell me you have made a trial of Snake since we met--and
that you still believe him faithful to us--

LADY SNEERWELL. I do believe so.

SURFACE. And that he has undertaken should it be necessary--to swear and
prove that Charles is at this Time contracted by vows and Honour to
your Ladyship--which some of his former letters to you will serve to
support--

LADY SNEERWELL. This, indeed, might have assisted--

SURFACE. Come--come it is not too late yet--but hark! this is probably
my Unkle Sir Oliver--retire to that Room--we'll consult further when
He's gone. --

LADY SNEERWELL. Well but if HE should find you out to--

SURFACE. O I have no fear of that--Sir Peter will hold his tongue for
his own credit sake--and you may depend on't I shall soon Discover Sir
Oliver's weak side! --

LADY SNEERWELL. I have no diffidence of your abilities--only be constant
to one roguery at a time--

[Exit. ]

SURFACE. I will--I will--So 'tis confounded hard after such bad Fortune,
to be baited by one's confederate in evil--well at all events
my character is so much better than Charles's, that I
certainly--hey--what! --this is not Sir Oliver--but old Stanley
again! --Plague on't that He should return to teaze me just now--I shall
have Sir Oliver come and find him here--and----

Enter SIR OLIVER

Gad's life, Mr. Stanley--why have you come back to plague me at this
time? you must not stay now upon my word!

SIR OLIVER. Sir--I hear your Unkle Oliver is expected here--and tho' He
has been so penurious to you, I'll try what He'll do for me--

SURFACE. Sir! 'tis impossible for you to stay now--so I must beg----come
any other time and I promise you you shall be assisted.

SIR OLIVER. No--Sir Oliver and I must be acquainted--

SURFACE. Zounds Sir then [I] insist on your quitting the--Room
directly--

SIR OLIVER. Nay Sir----

SURFACE. Sir--I insist on't--here William show this Gentleman out. Since
you compel me Sir--not one moment--this is such insolence.

[Going to push him out. ]

Enter CHARLES

CHARLES. Heyday! what's the matter now? --what the Devil have you got
hold of my little Broker here! Zounds--Brother, don't hurt little
Premium. What's the matter--my little Fellow?

SURFACE. So! He has been with you, too, has He--

CHARLES. To be sure He has! Why, 'tis as honest a little----But sure
Joseph you have not been borrowing money too have you?

SURFACE. Borrowing--no! --But, Brother--you know sure we expect Sir
Oliver every----

CHARLES. O Gad, that's true--Noll mustn't find the little Broker here to
be sure--

SURFACE. Yet Mr. Stanley insists----

CHARLES. Stanley--why his name's Premium--

SURFACE. No no Stanley.

CHARLES. No, no--Premium.

SURFACE. Well no matter which--but----

CHARLES. Aye aye Stanley or Premium, 'tis the same thing as you say--for
I suppose He goes by half a hundred Names, besides A. B's at the
Coffee-House. [Knock. ]

SURFACE. 'Sdeath--here's Sir Oliver at the Door----Now I beg--Mr.
Stanley----

CHARLES. Aye aye and I beg Mr. Premium----

SIR OLIVER. Gentlemen----

SURFACE. Sir, by Heaven you shall go--

CHARLES. Aye out with him certainly----

SIR OLIVER. This violence----

SURFACE. 'Tis your own Fault.

CHARLES. Out with him to be sure. [Both forcing SIR OLIVER out. ]

Enter SIR PETER TEAZLE, LADY TEAZLE, MARIA, and ROWLEY

SIR PETER. My old Friend, Sir Oliver! --hey! what in the name of
wonder! --Here are dutiful Nephews! --assault their Unkle at his first
Visit!

LADY TEAZLE. Indeed Sir Oliver 'twas well we came in to rescue you.

ROWLEY. Truly it was--for I perceive Sir Oliver the character of old
Stanley was no Protection to you.

SIR OLIVER. Nor of Premium either--the necessities of the former could
not extort a shilling from that benevolent Gentleman; and with the other
I stood a chance of faring worse than my Ancestors, and being knocked
down without being bid for.

SURFACE. Charles!

CHARLES. Joseph!

SURFACE. 'Tis compleat!

CHARLES. Very!

SIR OLIVER. Sir Peter--my Friend and Rowley too--look on that elder
Nephew of mine--You know what He has already received from my Bounty and
you know also how gladly I would have look'd on half my Fortune as held
in trust for him--judge then my Disappointment in discovering him to be
destitute of Truth--Charity--and Gratitude--

SIR PETER. Sir Oliver--I should be more surprized at this Declaration,
if I had not myself found him to be selfish--treacherous and
Hypocritical.

LADY TEAZLE. And if the Gentleman pleads not guilty to these pray let
him call ME to his Character.

SIR PETER. Then I believe we need add no more--if He knows himself He
will consider it as the most perfect Punishment that He is known to the
world--

CHARLES. If they talk this way to Honesty--what will they say to ME by
and bye!

SIR OLIVER. As for that Prodigal--his Brother there----

CHARLES. Aye now comes my Turn--the damn'd Family Pictures will ruin
me--

SURFACE. Sir Oliver--Unkle--will you honour me with a hearing--

CHARLES. I wish Joseph now would make one of his long speeches and I
might recollect myself a little--

SIR OLIVER. And I suppose you would undertake to vindicate yourself
entirely--

SURFACE. I trust I could--

SIR OLIVER. Nay--if you desert your Roguery in its Distress and try to
be justified--you have even less principle than I thought you had. --[To
CHARLES SURFACE] Well, Sir--and YOU could JUSTIFY yourself too I
suppose--

CHARLES. Not that I know of, Sir Oliver.

SIR OLIVER. What[! ] little Premium has been let too much into the secret
I presume.

CHARLES. True--Sir--but they were Family Secrets, and should not be
mentioned again you know.

ROWLEY. Come Sir Oliver I know you cannot speak of Charles's Follies
with anger.

SIR OLIVER. Odd's heart no more I can--nor with gravity either--Sir
Peter do you know the Rogue bargain'd with me for all his
Ancestors--sold me judges and Generals by the Foot, and Maiden Aunts as
cheap as broken China!

CHARLES. To be sure, Sir Oliver, I did make a little free with the
Family Canvas that's the truth on't:--my Ancestors may certainly rise in
judgment against me there's no denying it--but believe me sincere when I
tell you, and upon my soul I would not say so if I was not--that if I do
not appear mortified at the exposure of my Follies, it is because I
feel at this moment the warmest satisfaction in seeing you, my liberal
benefactor.

SIR OLIVER. Charles--I believe you--give me your hand again: the
ill-looking little fellow over the Couch has made your Peace.

CHARLES. Then Sir--my Gratitude to the original is still encreased.

LADY TEAZLE. [Advancing. ] Yet I believe, Sir Oliver, here is one whom
Charles is still more anxious to be reconciled to.

SIR OLIVER. O I have heard of his Attachment there--and, with the young
Lady's Pardon if I construe right that Blush----

SIR PETER. Well--Child--speak your sentiments--you know--we are going to
be reconciled to Charles--

MARIA. Sir--I have little to say--but that I shall rejoice to hear that
He is happy--For me--whatever claim I had to his Affection--I willing
resign to one who has a better title.

CHARLES. How Maria!

SIR PETER. Heyday--what's the mystery now? while he appeared an
incorrigible Rake, you would give your hand to no one else and now that
He's likely to reform I'll warrant You won't have him!

MARIA. His own Heart--and Lady Sneerwell know the cause.

[CHARLES. ] Lady Sneerwell!

SURFACE. Brother it is with great concern--I am obliged to speak on
this Point, but my Regard to justice obliges me--and Lady Sneerwell's
injuries can no longer--be concealed--[Goes to the Door. ]

Enter LADY SNEERWELL

SIR PETER. Soh! another French milliner egad! He has one in every Room
in the House I suppose--

LADY SNEERWELL. Ungrateful Charles!
Well may you be surprised and feel
for the indelicate situation which your Perfidy has forced me into.

CHARLES. Pray Unkle, is this another Plot of yours? for as I have Life I
don't understand it.

SURFACE. I believe Sir there is but the evidence of one Person more
necessary to make it extremely clear.

SIR PETER. And that Person--I imagine, is Mr. Snake--Rowley--you were
perfectly right to bring him with us--and pray let him appear.

ROWLEY. Walk in, Mr. Snake--

Enter SNAKE

I thought his Testimony might be wanted--however it happens unluckily
that He comes to confront Lady Sneerwell and not to support her--

LADY SNEERWELL. A Villain! --Treacherous to me at last! Speak, Fellow,
have you too conspired against me?

SNAKE. I beg your Ladyship--ten thousand Pardons--you paid me extremely
Liberally for the Lie in question--but I unfortunately have been offer'd
double to speak the Truth.

LADY SNEERWELL. The Torments of Shame and Disappointment on you all!

LADY TEAZLE. Hold--Lady Sneerwell--before you go let me thank you for
the trouble you and that Gentleman have taken in writing Letters from me
to Charles and answering them yourself--and let me also request you
to make my Respects to the Scandalous College--of which you are
President--and inform them that Lady Teazle, Licentiate, begs leave to
return the diploma they granted her--as she leaves of[f] Practice and
kills Characters no longer.

LADY SNEERWELL. Provoking--insolent! --may your Husband live these fifty
years!

[Exit. ]

SIR PETER. Oons what a Fury----

LADY TEAZLE. A malicious Creature indeed!

SIR PETER. Hey--not for her last wish? --

LADY TEAZLE. O No--

SIR OLIVER. Well Sir, and what have you to say now?

SURFACE. Sir, I am so confounded, to find that Lady Sneerwell could be
guilty of suborning Mr. Snake in this manner to impose on us all that
I know not what to say----however, lest her Revengeful Spirit should
prompt her to injure my Brother I had certainly better follow her
directly.

[Exit. ]

SIR PETER. Moral to the last drop!

SIR OLIVER. Aye and marry her Joseph if you can. --Oil and Vinegar
egad:--you'll do very well together.

ROWLEY. I believe we have no more occasion for Mr. Snake at Present--

SNAKE. Before I go--I beg Pardon once for all for whatever uneasiness I
have been the humble instrument of causing to the Parties present.

SIR PETER. Well--well you have made atonement by a good Deed at last--

SNAKE. But I must Request of the Company that it shall never be known--

SIR PETER. Hey! --what the Plague--are you ashamed of having done a right
thing once in your life?

SNAKE. Ah: Sir--consider I live by the Badness of my Character! --I have
nothing but my Infamy to depend on! --and, if it were once known that I
had been betray'd into an honest Action, I should lose every Friend I
have in the world.

SIR OLIVER. Well--well we'll not traduce you by saying anything to your
Praise never fear.

[Exit SNAKE. ]

SIR PETER. There's a precious Rogue--Yet that fellow is a Writer and a
Critic.

LADY TEAZLE. See[,] Sir Oliver[,] there needs no persuasion now to
reconcile your Nephew and Maria--

SIR OLIVER. Aye--aye--that's as it should be and egad we'll have the
wedding to-morrow morning--

CHARLES. Thank you, dear Unkle!

SIR PETER. What! you rogue don't you ask the Girl's consent first--

CHARLES. Oh, I have done that a long time--above a minute ago--and She
has look'd yes--

MARIA. For Shame--Charles--I protest Sir Peter, there has not been a
word----

SIR OLIVER. Well then the fewer the Better--may your love for each other
never know--abatement.

SIR PETER. And may you live as happily together as Lady Teazle and
I--intend to do--

CHARLES. Rowley my old Friend--I am sure you congratulate me and I
suspect too that I owe you much.

SIR OLIVER. You do, indeed, Charles--

ROWLEY. If my Efforts to serve you had not succeeded you would have been
in my debt for the attempt--but deserve to be happy--and you over-repay
me.

SIR PETER. Aye honest Rowley always said you would reform.

CHARLES. Why as to reforming Sir Peter I'll make no promises--and that
I take to be a proof that I intend to set about it--But here shall be my
Monitor--my gentle Guide. --ah! can I leave the Virtuous path those Eyes
illumine?

Tho' thou, dear Maid, should'st wave [waive] thy Beauty's Sway,
--Thou still must Rule--because I will obey:
An humbled fugitive from Folly View,
No sanctuary near but Love and YOU:
You can indeed each anxious Fear remove,
For even Scandal dies if you approve. [To the audience. ]

EPILOGUE

BY MR. COLMAN

SPOKEN BY LADY TEAZLE

I, who was late so volatile and gay,
Like a trade-wind must now blow all one way,
Bend all my cares, my studies, and my vows,
To one dull rusty weathercock--my spouse!
So wills our virtuous bard--the motley Bayes
Of crying epilogues and laughing plays!
Old bachelors, who marry smart young wives,
Learn from our play to regulate your lives:
Each bring his dear to town, all faults upon her--
London will prove the very source of honour.
Plunged fairly in, like a cold bath it serves,
When principles relax, to brace the nerves:
Such is my case; and yet I must deplore
That the gay dream of dissipation's o'er.
And say, ye fair! was ever lively wife,
Born with a genius for the highest life,
Like me untimely blasted in her bloom,
Like me condemn'd to such a dismal doom?
Save money--when I just knew how to waste it!
Leave London--just as I began to taste it!
Must I then watch the early crowing cock,
The melancholy ticking of a clock;
In a lone rustic hall for ever pounded,
With dogs, cats, rats, and squalling brats surrounded?
With humble curate can I now retire,
(While good Sir Peter boozes with the squire,)
And at backgammon mortify my soul,
That pants for loo, or flutters at a vole?
Seven's the main! Dear sound that must expire,
Lost at hot cockles round a Christmas fire;
The transient hour of fashion too soon spent,
Farewell the tranquil mind, farewell content!
Farewell the plumed head, the cushion'd tete,
That takes the cushion from its proper seat!
That spirit-stirring drum! --card drums I mean,
Spadille--odd trick--pam--basto--king and queen!
And you, ye knockers, that, with brazen throat,
The welcome visitors' approach denote;
Farewell all quality of high renown,
Pride, pomp, and circumstance of glorious town!
Farewell! your revels I partake no more,
And Lady Teazle's occupation's o'er!
All this I told our bard; he smiled, and said 'twas clear,
I ought to play deep tragedy next year.
Meanwhile he drew wise morals from his play,
And in these solemn periods stalk'd away:--
"Bless'd were the fair like you; her faults who stopp'd,
And closed her follies when the curtain dropp'd!
No more in vice or error to engage,
Or play the fool at large on life's great stage. "


END OF PLAY




<1> This PORTRAIT and Garrick's PROLOGUE are not included in Fraser
Rae's text.

<2> From Sheridan's manuscript.

<3> The story in Act I. Scene I. , told by Crabtree about Miss Letitia
Piper, is repeated here, the speaker being Sir Peter:

SIR PETER. O nine out of ten malicious inventions are founded
on some ridiculous misrepresentation--Mrs. Candour you remember
how poor Miss Shepherd lost her Lover and her Character one
Summer at Tunbridge.

MRS. C. To be sure that was a very ridiculous affair.

CRABTREE. Pray tell us Sir Peter how it was.

SIR P. Why madam--[The story follows. ]

MRS. C. Ha ha strange indeed--

SIR P. Matter of Fact I assure you. . . .

LADY T. As sure as can be--Sir Peter will grow scandalous
himself--if you encourage him to tell stories.
[Fraser Rae's footnote--Ed. ]

<4> The words which follow this title are not inserted in the manuscript
of the play. [Fraser Rae's footnote. --Ed. ]

<5> From this place to Scene ii. Act IV. several sheets are missing.
[Fraser Rae's footnote. --Ed. ]








Produced by Kent Cooper




The RIVALS
A Comedy

By Richard Brinsley Sheridan


* * * * * * *

PREFACE

A preface to a play seems generally to be considered as a kind of
closet-prologue, in which--if his piece has been successful--the author
solicits that indulgence from the reader which he had before
experienced from the audience: but as the scope and immediate object of
a play is to please a mixed assembly in _representation_ (whose
judgment in the theatre at least is decisive,) its degree of reputation
is usually as determined as public, before it can be prepared for the
cooler tribunal of the study. Thus any farther solicitude on the part
of the writer becomes unnecessary at least, if not an intrusion: and if
the piece has been condemned in the performance, I fear an address to
the closet, like an appeal to posterity, is constantly regarded as the
procrastination of a suit, from a consciousness of the weakness of the
cause. From these considerations, the following comedy would certainly
have been submitted to the reader, without any farther introduction
than what it had in the representation, but that its success has
probably been founded on a circumstance which the author is informed
has not before attended a theatrical trial, and which consequently
ought not to pass unnoticed.

I need scarcely add, that the circumstance alluded to was the
withdrawing of the piece, to remove those imperfections in the first
representation which were too obvious to escape reprehension, and too
numerous to admit of a hasty correction. There are few writers, I
believe, who, even in the fullest consciousness of error, do not wish
to palliate the faults which they acknowledge; and, however trifling
the performance, to second their confession of its deficiencies, by
whatever plea seems least disgraceful to their ability. In the present
instance, it cannot be said to amount either to candour or modesty in
me, to acknowledge an extreme inexperience and want of judgment on
matters, in which, without guidance from practice, or spur from
success, a young man should scarcely boast of being an adept. If it be
said, that under such disadvantages no one should attempt to write a
play, I must beg leave to dissent from the position, while the first
point of experience that I have gained on the subject is, a knowledge
of the candour and judgment with which an impartial public
distinguishes between the errors of inexperience and incapacity, and
the indulgence which it shows even to a disposition to remedy the
defects of either.

It were unnecessary to enter into any further extenuation of what was
thought exceptionable in this play, but that it has been said, that the
managers should have prevented some of the defects before its
appearance to the public--and in particular the uncommon length of the
piece as represented the first night. It were an ill return for the
most liberal and gentlemanly conduct on their side, to suffer any
censure to rest where none was deserved. Hurry in writing has long been
exploded as an excuse for an author;--however, in the dramatic line,
it may happen, that both an author and a manager may wish to fill a
chasm in the entertainment of the public with a hastiness not
altogether culpable. The season was advanced when I first put the play
into Mr. Harris's hands: it was at that time at least double the length
of any acting comedy. I profited by his judgment and experience in the
curtailing of it--till, I believe, his feeling for the vanity of a
young author got the better of his desire for correctness, and he left
many excrescences remaining, because he had assisted in pruning so many
more. Hence, though I was not uninformed that the acts were still too
long, I flattered myself that, after the first trial, I might with
safer judgment proceed to remove what should appear to have been most
dissatisfactory. Many other errors there were, which might in part have
arisen from my being by no means conversant with plays in general,
either in reading or at the theatre. Yet I own that, in one respect, I
did not regret my ignorance: for as my first wish in attempting a play
was to avoid every appearance of plagiary, I thought I should stand a
better chance of effecting this from being in a walk which I had not
frequented, and where, consequently, the progress of invention was less
likely to be interrupted by starts of recollection: for on subjects on
which the mind has been much informed, invention is slow of exerting
itself. Faded ideas float in the fancy like half-forgotten dreams; and
the imagination in its fullest enjoyments becomes suspicious of its
offspring, and doubts whether it has created or adopted.

With regard to some particular passages which on the first night's
representation seemed generally disliked, I confess, that if I felt any
emotion of surprise at the disapprobation, it was not that they were
disapproved of, but that I had not before perceived that they deserved
it. As some part of the attack on the piece was begun too early to pass
for the sentence of _judgment_, which is ever tardy in condemning, it
has been suggested to me, that much of the disapprobation must have
arisen from virulence of malice, rather than severity of criticism: but
as I was more apprehensive of there being just grounds to excite the
latter than conscious of having deserved the former, I continue not to
believe that probable, which I am sure must have been unprovoked.
However, if it was so, and I could even mark the quarter from whence it
came, it would be ungenerous to retort: for no passion suffers more
than malice from disappointment. For my own part, I see no reason why
the author of a play should not regard a first night's audience as a
candid and judicious friend attending, in behalf of the public, at his
last rehearsal. If he can dispense with flattery, he is sure at least
of sincerity, and even though the annotation be rude, he may rely upon
the justness of the comment. Considered in this light, that audience,
whose _fiat_ is essential to the poet's claim, whether his object be
fame or profit, has surely a right to expect some deference to its
opinion, from principles of politeness at least, if not from gratitude.

As for the little puny critics, who scatter their peevish strictures in
private circles, and scribble at every author who has the eminence of
being unconnected with them, as they are usually spleen-swoln from a
vain idea of increasing their consequence, there will always be found
a petulance and illiberality in their remarks, which should place them
as far beneath the notice of a gentleman, as their original dulness had
sunk them from the level of the most unsuccessful author.

It is not without pleasure that I catch at an opportunity of justifying
myself from the charge of intending any national reflection in the
character of Sir Lucius O'Trigger. If any gentlemen opposed the piece
from that idea, I thank them sincerely for their opposition; and if the
condemnation of this comedy (however misconceived the provocation)
could have added one spark to the decaying flame of national attachment
to the country supposed to be reflected on, I should have been happy in
its fate, and might with truth have boasted, that it had done more real
service in its failure, than the successful morality of a thousand
stage-novels will ever effect.

It is usual, I believe, to thank the performers in a new play, for the
exertion of their several abilities. But where (as in this instance)
their merit has been so striking and uncontroverted, as to call for the
warmest and truest applause from a number of judicious audiences, the
poet's after-praise comes like the feeble acclamation of a child to
close the shouts of a multitude. The conduct, however, of the
principals in a theatre cannot be so apparent to the public. I think
it therefore but justice to declare, that from this theatre (the only
one I can speak of from experience) those writers who wish to try the
dramatic line will meet with that candour and liberal attention, which
are generally allowed to be better calculated to lead genius into
excellence, than either the precepts of judgment, or the guidance of
experience.

The AUTHOR

* * * * * * *

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

As originally acted at COVENT GARDEN THEATRE in 1775

Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE
CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE
FAULKLAND
ACRES
Sir LUCIUS O'TRIGGER
FAG
DAVID
THOMAS
Mrs. MALAPROP
LYDIA LANGUISH
JULIA
LUCY
Maid, Boy, Servants, &c.

SCENE--Bath.

Time of action--Five hours.

* * * * * * *

PROLOGUE
By the AUTHOR

[Enter SERJEANT-AT-LAW, and ATTORNEY following, and giving a paper. ]

SERJEANT
What's here! --a vile cramp hand! I cannot see
Without my spectacles.

ATTORNEY
He means his fee.
Nay, Mr. Serjeant, good sir, try again. [Gives money. ]

SERJEANT
The scrawl improves! [more] O come, 'tis pretty plain.
Hey! how's this? Dibble! --sure it cannot be!
A poet's brief! a poet and a fee!

ATTORNEY
Yes, sir! though you without reward, I know,
Would gladly plead the Muse's cause.

SERJEANT
So! --so!

ATTORNEY
And if the fee offends, your wrath should fall
On me.

SERJEANT
Dear Dibble, no offence at all.

ATTORNEY
Some sons of Phoebus in the courts we meet,

SERJEANT
And fifty sons of Phoebus in the Fleet!

ATTORNEY
Nor pleads he worse, who with a decent sprig
Of bays adorns his legal waste of wig.

SERJEANT
Full-bottom'd heroes thus, on signs, unfurl
A leaf of laurel in a grove of curl!
Yet tell your client, that, in adverse days,
This wig is warmer than a bush of bays.

ATTORNEY
Do you, then, sir, my client's place supply,
Profuse of robe, and prodigal of tie--
Do you, with all those blushing powers of face,
And wonted bashful hesitating grace,
Rise in the court, and flourish on the case. [Exit. ]

SERJEANT
For practice then suppose--this brief will show it,--
Me, Serjeant Woodward,--counsel for the poet.