No More Learning

TONY. (_Still gazing. _) A damned up and down hand, as if it was
disguised in liquor. (_Reading. _) _Dear Sir_, Ay, that's that. Then
there's an _M_, and a _T_, and _S_; but whether the next be an _izzard_
or an _R_, confound me, I cannot tell.

MRS. HARD. What's that, my dear. Can I give you any assistance?

MISS NEV. Pray, aunt, let me read it. Nobody reads a cramp hand better
than I. (_Twitching the letter from her. _) Do you know who it is from?

TONY. Can't tell, except from Dick Ginger, the feeder.

MISS NEV. Ay, so it is. (_Pretending to read. _) Dear 'Squire, Hoping
that you're in health, as I am at this present. The gentlemen of the
Shake-bag club has cut the gentlemen of Goose green quite out of
feather. The odds—um—odd battle—um—long fighting—um—Here, here; it's
all about cocks, and fighting: it's of no consequence; here, put it up,
put it up.

_Thrusting the crumpled letter upon him. _

TONY. But I tell you, miss, it's of all the consequence in the world. I
would not lose the rest of it for a guinea. Here, mother, do you make
it out. Of no consequence!

_Giving_ MRS. HARDCASTLE _the letter_.

MRS. HARD. How's this? (_Reads. _) Dear 'Squire, I'm now waiting for
Miss Neville, with a post-chaise and pair, at the bottom of the garden,
but I find my horses yet unable to perform the journey. I expect you'll
assist us with a pair of fresh horses, as you promised. Dispatch is
necessary, as the _hag_ (ay the hag), your mother, will otherwise
suspect us. Yours, Hastings. Grant me patience. I shall run distracted.
My rage chokes me.

MISS NEV. I hope, madam, you'll suspend your resentment for a few
moments, and not impute to me any impertinence, or sinister design that
belongs to another.

MRS. HARD. (_Curtseying very low. _) Fine-spoken madam, you are most
miraculously polite and engaging, and quite the very pink of courtesy
and circumspection, madam. (_Changing_ _her tone. _ ) And you, you great
ill-fashioned oaf, with scarce sense enough to keep your mouth shut.
Were you too joined against me? But I'll defeat all your plots in a
moment. As for you, madam, since you have got a pair of fresh horses
ready, it would be cruel to disappoint them. So, if you please, instead
of running away with your spark, prepare, this very moment, to run off
with _me_. Your old aunt Pedigree will keep you secure, I'll warrant
me. You too, sir, may mount your horse, and guard us upon the way.
Here, Thomas, Roger, Diggory, I'll show you, that I wish you better
than you do yourselves.

_Exit. _

MISS NEV. So, now I'm completely ruined.

TONY. Ay, that's a sure thing.

MISS NEV. What better could be expected, from being connected with such
a stupid fool, and after all the nods and signs I made him?

TONY. By the laws, miss, it was your own cleverness, and not my
stupidity, that did your business. You were so nice, and so busy, with
your Shake-bags and Goose-greens, that I thought you could never be
making believe.

_Enter_ HASTINGS.

HAST. So, sir, I find by my servant, that you have shown my letter, and
betrayed us. Was this well done, young gentleman?

TONY. Here's another. Ask miss there, who betrayed you. Ecod, it was
her doing, not mine.

_Enter_ MARLOW.

MARL. So, I have been finely used here among you. Rendered
contemptible, driven into ill manners, despised, insulted, laughed at.

TONY. Here's another. We shall, have old Bedlam broke loose presently.

MISS NEV. And there, sir, is the gentleman to whom we all owe every
obligation.

MARL. What can I say to him, a mere boy, an idiot, whose ignorance and
age are a protection?

HAST. A poor contemptible booby, that would but disgrace correction.

MISS NEV. Yet with cunning and malice enough to make himself merry with
all our embarrassments.

HAST. An insensible cub.

MARL. Replete with tricks and mischief.

TONY. Baw! damme, but I'll fight you both, one after the other,——with
baskets.

MARL. As for him, he's below resentment. But your conduct, Mr.
Hastings, requires an explanation. You knew of my mistakes, yet would
not undeceive me.

HAST. Tortured as I am with my own disappointments, is this a time for
explanations? It is not friendly, Mr. Marlow.

MARL. But, sir——

MISS NEV. Mr. Marlow, we never kept on your mistake, till it was too
late to undeceive you. Be pacified.

_Enter_ SERVANT.

SERV. My mistress desires you'll get ready immediately, madam. The
horses are putting to. Your hat and things are in the next room. We are
to go thirty miles before morning.

_Exit_ SERVANT.

MISS NEV. Well, well; I'll come presently.

MARL. (_To_ HASTINGS. ) Was it well done, sir, to assist in rendering me
ridiculous? To hang me out for the scorn of all my acquaintance? Depend
upon it, sir, I shall expect an explanation.

[Illustration:

MISS NEVILLE. —"_Constancy is the word. _"—_p. _ 367.
]


HAST. Was it well done, sir, if you're upon that subject, to deliver
what I intrusted to yourself, to the care of another, sir?

MISS NEV. Mr. Hastings, Mr. Marlow, why will you increase my distress
by this groundless dispute? I implore, I entreat you—

_Enter_ SERVANT.

SERV. Your cloak, madam. My mistress is impatient.

MISS NEV. I come. Pray be pacified. If I leave you thus, I shall die
with apprehension.

_Enter_ SERVANT.

SERV. Your fan, muff, and gloves, madam. The horses are waiting.

MISS NEV. O, Mr. Marlow! if you knew what a scene of constraint and
ill-nature lies before me, I'm sure it would convert your resentment
into pity.

MARL. I'm so distracted with a variety of passions, that I don't know
what I do. Forgive me, madam. George, forgive me. You know my hasty
temper, and should not exasperate it.

HAST. The torture of my situation is my only excuse.

MISS NEV. Well, my dear Hastings, if you have that esteem for me that I
think, that I am sure you have, your constancy for three years will but
increase the happiness of our future connexion. If—

MRS. HARD. (_Within. _) Miss Neville—Constance, why Constance, I say.

MISS NEV. I'm coming. Well, constancy. Remember, constancy is the word.

_Exit. _

HAST. My heart, how can I support this! To be so near happiness, and
such happiness.

MARL. (_To_ TONY. ) You see now, young gentleman, the effects of your
folly. What might be amusement to you, is here disappointment, and even
distress.

TONY. (_From a reverie. _) Ecod, I have hit it. It's here. Your hands.
Yours and yours, my poor sulky. My boots there, ho! Meet me two hours
hence at the bottom of the garden; and if you don't find Tony Lumpkin a
more good-natured fellow than you thought for, I'll give you leave to
take my best horse, and Bet Bouncer into the bargain. Come along. My
boots, ho!

_Exeunt. _




ACT V.


_Scene continues. _

_Enter_ HASTINGS _and_ SERVANT.

HAST. You saw the old lady and Miss Neville drive off, you say?

SERV. Yes, your honour; they went off in a post-coach, and the young
'squire went on horseback. They're thirty miles off by this time.

HAST. Then all my hopes are over.

SERV. Yes, sir. Old Sir Charles is arrived.
He and the old gentleman of
the house have been laughing at Mr. Marlow's mistake this half-hour.
They are coming this way.

HAST. Then I must not be seen. So, now to my fruitless appointment, at
the bottom of the garden. This is about the time.

_Exit. _

_Enter_ SIR CHARLES _and_ HARDCASTLE.

HARD. Ha! ha! ha! The peremptory tone in which he sent forth his
sublime commands!

SIR CHARLES. And the reserve with which I suppose he treated all your
advances!

HARD. And yet he might have seen something in me above a common
inn-keeper too.

SIR CHARLES. Yes, Dick, but he mistook you for an uncommon inn-keeper,
ha! ha! ha!

HARD. Well, I'm in too good spirits to think of anything but joy. Yes,
my dear friend, this union of our families will make our personal
friendships hereditary; and though my daughter's fortune is but small——

SIR CHARLES. Why, Dick, will you talk of fortune to _me_? My son is
possessed of more than a competence already, and can want nothing but a
good and virtuous girl to share his happiness and increase it. If they
like each other, as you say they do——

HARD. _If_, man! I tell you they _do_ like each other. My daughter as
good as told me so.

SIR CHARLES. But girls are apt to flatter themselves, you know.

HARD. I saw him grasp her hand in the warmest manner myself; and here
he comes to put you out of your _ifs_, I warrant you.

_Enter_ MARLOW.

MARL. I come, sir, once more, to ask pardon for my strange conduct. I
can scarce reflect on my insolence without confusion.

HARD. Tut, boy, a trifle. You take it too gravely. An hour or two's
laughing with my daughter will set all to rights again. —She'll never
like you the worse for it.

MARL. Sir, I shall be always proud of her approbation.

HARD. Approbation is but a cold word, Mr. Marlow: if I am not deceived,
you have something more than approbation thereabouts. You take me.

MARL. Really, sir, I have not that happiness.

HARD. Come boy, I'm an old fellow, and know what's what, as well as you
that are younger. I know what has passed between you; but mum.

MARL. Sure, sir, nothing has passed between us, but the most profound
respect on my side, and the most distant reserve on hers. You don't
think, sir, that my impudence has been passed upon all the rest of the
family.

HARD. Impudence! No, I don't say that—Not quite impudence—Though girls
like to be played with, and rumpled a little too sometimes. But she has
told no tales I assure you.

MARL. I never gave her the slightest cause.

HARD. Well, well, I like modesty in its place well enough. But this is
over-acting, young gentleman. You _may_ be open. Your father and I will
like you the better for it.

MARL. May I die, sir, if I ever——

HARD. I tell you, she don't dislike you; and as I'm sure you like her——

MARL. Dear sir—I protest, sir——

HARD. I see no reason why you should not be joined as fast as the
parson can tie you.

MARL. But hear me, sir——

HARD. Your father approves the match, I admire it, every moment's delay
will be doing mischief, so——

MARL. But why won't you hear me? By all that's just and true, I never
gave Miss Hardcastle the slightest mark of my attachment, or even the
most distant hint to suspect me of affection. We had but one interview,
and that was formal, modest and uninteresting.

HARD. (_Aside. _). This fellow's formal modest impudence is beyond
bearing.

SIR CHARLES. And you never grasped her hand, or made any protestations?

MARL. As Heaven is my witness, I came down in obedience to your
commands. I saw the lady without emotion, and parted without
reluctance. I hope you'll exact no further proofs of my duty, nor
prevent me from leaving a house in which I suffer so many
mortifications.

_Exit. _

SIR CHARLES. I'm astonished at the air of sincerity with which he
parted.

HARD. And I'm astonished at the deliberate intrepidity of his
assurance.

SIR CHARLES. I dare pledge my life and honour upon his truth.

HARD. Here comes my daughter, and I would stake my happiness upon her
veracity.

_Enter_ MISS HARDCASTLE.

HARD. Kate, come hither, child. Answer us sincerely, and without
reserve: has Mr. Marlow made you any professions of love and affection?

MISS HARD. The question is very abrupt, sir! But since you require
unreserved sincerity, I think he has.

HARD. (_To_ SIR CHARLES. ) You see.

SIR CHARLES. And pray, madam, have you and my son had more than one
interview?

MISS HARD. Yes, sir, several.

HARD. (_To_ SIR CHARLES. ) You see.

SIR CHARLES. But did he profess any attachment?

MISS HARD. A lasting one.

SIR CHARLES. Did he talk of love?

MISS HARD. Much, sir.

SIR CHARLES. Amazing! and all this formally?

MISS HARD. Formally.

HARD. Now, my friend, I hope you are satisfied?

SIR CHARLES. And how did he behave, madam?

MISS HARD. As most professed admirers do. Said some civil things of my
face: talked much of his want of merit, and the greatness of mine;
mentioned his heart; gave a short tragedy speech, and ended with
pretended rapture.

SIR CHARLES. Now I'm perfectly convinced, indeed. I know his
conversation among women to be modest and submissive. This forward,
canting, ranting manner by no means describes him, and I am confident
he never sat for the picture.

MISS HARD. Then what, sir, if I should convince you to your face of my
sincerity? If you and my papa, in about half-an-hour, will place
yourselves behind that screen, you shall hear him declare his passion
to me in person.

SIR CHARLES. Agreed. And if I find him what you describe, all my
happiness in him must have an end.

_Exit. _

MISS HARD. And if you don't find him what I describe—I fear my
happiness must never have a beginning.

_Exeunt. _

_Scene changes to the back of the garden. _

_Enter_ HASTINGS.

HAST. What an idiot am I, to wait here for a fellow who probably takes
a delight in mortifying me. He never intended to be punctual, and I'll
wait no longer. What do I see? It is he, and perhaps with news of my
Constance.

_Enter_ TONY, _booted and spattered_.

HAST. My honest 'squire! I now find you a man of your word. This looks
like friendship.

TONY. Ay, I'm your friend, and the best friend you have in the world,
if you knew but all. This riding by night, by-the-by, is cursedly
tiresome. It has shook me worse than the basket of a stage-coach.

HAST. But how? Where did you leave your fellow travellers? Are they in
safety! Are they housed?

TONY. Five-and-twenty miles in two hours and a half is no such bad
driving. The poor beasts have smoked for it. Rabbet me, but I'd rather
ride forty miles after a fox, than ten with such _varment_.

HAST. Well, but where have you left the ladies? I die with impatience.

TONY. Left them? Why where should I leave them but where I found them.

HAST. This is a riddle.

TONY. Riddle me this, then. What's that goes round the house, and round
the house and never touches the house?

HAST. I'm still astray.

TONY. Why that's it, mon. I have led them astray. By jingo, there's not
a pond or slough within five miles of the place, but they can tell the
taste of.

HAST. Ha, ha, ha! I understand: you took them in a round, while they
supposed themselves going forward. And so you have at last brought them
home again.

TONY. You shall hear. I first took them down Feather-bed-lane, where we
stuck fast in the mud. I then rattled them crack over the stones of
Up-and-down Hill—I then introduced them to the gibbet, on Heavy-tree
Heath; and from that, with a circumbendibus, I fairly lodged them in
the horse-pond at the bottom of the garden.